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Nishinoya stared angrily at the boy in front of him. "Now you are just being stupid." he said with a sigh. Scratching his nape, Tanaka sighed too. He had a lot of reasons to be acting the way he was and although he wanted to explain them to his friend, he knew far too well that Nishinoya wouldn't listen. He sighed once again and watched as Nishinoya shove another cookie inside his mouth. "Honestly, Ryuu." He started again. "That is not so much of a big deal, ok? It's not like Ennoshita had never been around gay people. You do remember everybody knew about Daichi and Suga being together, right? Like, he is not going to be a homophobic piece of shit with you. I mean, its Chikara! He is chill. Just go ahead and say something already."
"This is far more complicated than just coming out to him and you know that." Tanaka complained. He too shoved a cookie on his mouth, tossing inside another one right after it. He watched as his friend shook his head in complete dismay. "Don't give me that attitude."
"Look." Nishinoya shrugged. "I just think its kinda hypocritical of you to be that scared of talking to him when you yourself was the one telling your friend Tora, remember him? In love with a guy? Huh?” Tanaka tried to protest but Nishinoya didn't let him speak until he was finished. “You were the one who told him to go ahead and confess to his actual boyfriend. And that turned out pretty damn well. They are together now because of your advice. And you are being stupid enough not to follow your own words of wisdom."
The thing that actually bothered Tanaka very much was that Nishinoya wasn't completely wrong and he knew that. Still, he avoided looking him in the eye and crossed his arms. "That was a different situation."
"How so?"
"Taketora had nothing to lose. They weren't even from the same school. And even if they were, Daishou would soon be leaving for College anyway." Tanaka said.
Nishinoya crossed his arms too. "Ryuu, I would never picture you as a coward."
"That's because I am not."
"Yeah, right. So how do we call someone who is running away from their chance of happiness?" He teased with a sly smirk on his face.
"First: there are several things that make me happy in my life. Ennoshita is not my sole chance of being happy, ok?" He said. " And secondly: I really do think he is straight."
"For the love of Jesus, Ryuunosuke. Ennoshita Chikara is anything but straight." Nishinoya groaned falling backwards and lying still at the floor of Tanaka's bedroom.. "God! I feel like physically opening your head so maybe this information will sink in."
Tanaka smiled. "I know you wanna be supportive and you want me to have hope and all that bullshit but, let's be real. This is not going to happen."
"If you start that old shitty talk about not being enough for him..." Nishinoya threatened him with his fist raised high on the air, which made his friend laugh out loud.
"It's not this. It's not that I don't think I deserve someone. I just don't think Ennoshita wants me, you know? I mean, apart of him being straig-Nuh uh, you so not going to convince me he is at least bi-curious." He finished before Nishinoya had a chance of trying to point his beliefs again. "Even if he was bi, Noya, there are a lot of options for him to go after."
" So you are just going to let this moment pass?"
"Oh, com'on, Noya. It's just a crush!" He chuckled. "It's not like I'm deeply in love with him, ok? He is just a cute guy who plays volleyball with me. I just find his face aesthetically pleasing. That's it."
That was Nishinoya's time to laugh. "Ok. Just a crush. Yeah, right, Ryuu? Keep telling yourself that and maybe someday you will believe it."
"No need to be a prick."
"Dude, you've been obsessing about him for months. You have actual heart eyes when you look at him. Its sickening, really."
"As I said, I find his face aesthetically pleasing." Ryuu shrugged. "He is cute. It's not my fault that he is cute."
"There are a lot of cute boys in our team and you don't keep drooling over them as you do for Ennoshita. If the only thing you want is someone 'aesthetically pleasing'..."he mimicked some weird air quotes as saying it so now Tanaka felt even more pathetic for saying those words. “You have a lot of options other than Ennoshita.”
“Yeah, like who? You?”
Nishinoya rolled his eyes. “Not me, dumbass. But, you know. There are other cute guys on the club.”
“Like...?”
“Like...I don't know....Suga! Suga is pretty!”
“Yeah. He is also pretty married to Daichi too, so...” he laughed. “Do you want me to get a crush on someone who is already dating?”
“Does it matter? You are not gonna confess anyway.”
He had a point and Tanaka always hated when Nishinoya had a point. "It's just a harmless crush." he said again.
"Up til now it is." Nishinoya agreed. "But what if when the moment pass and you realize you would have rather risking a rejection that forever being kept blind on what could happen between you two?"
It took Tanaka a moment to breath that in. He laid beside Nishinoya and stared at his own ceiling in silence for a couple of minutes. Finally he sighed and covered his face with a groan. "I hate when you do this." He said. Turning his face to the side, his eyes met Nishinoya's. "Don't give me your victory eyes." He complained.
Nishinoya's point of view had poisoned Tanaka's mind all over the weekend so when Monday came, Tanaka was all set to speak his feelings and opening his heart for Ennoshita. It was a hell of a day. Every time he had an opportunity to have a solo conversation with Ennoshita had being entirely destroyed by Tanaka's uneasiness. Ennoshita, trying to be a good friend and trying to calm Tanaka down had rested his hand on Tanaka's shoulder and stared him in the eyes.
They were alone at the gym, Tanaka being punished for being such a mess on practice. Ennoshita being responsible for locking up the place after they were done. Tanaka was being worse now than he was when the rest of the team was around.
Ennoshita sighed after Tanaka missed his serves three times in a row. "Okay, enough. What the hell happened to you?" He asked as he walked from the other side of the net, passing behind it and went straight for Tanaka. "You don't seem to be okay. What is it that is bothering you?"
“Not much.”
“This is complete bullshit.” Ennoshita said. “Come on. Speak up. You know I don't mind listening.”
Tanaka looked down. He stared at the ball on his hands and playfully started to toss it from one hand to another while he bought him time to try and put his thoughts in order. His heart was racing and not only because he was practicing for hours. Ennoshita watched him in silence. He was always good in feeling that special atmosphere around Tanaka whenever he was absorb in his own mind and he knew that, whenever he was like that, he had something really important going on. Tanaka sighed. “You know...I don't think you would like to hear that. It's stupid anyway.” he risked a look at Ennoshita face and he couldn't help his heart to throb when his friend smiled back to him.
“I don't know whatever it is, but I never think your problems are stupid.” he said. The hand that was still on Tanaka's shoulder now upwards on Tanaka's neck and ended up on the back of his head.
Tanaka froze for a minute. Inside his head, a million thoughts ran around, every single piece of his body extremely conscious of Ennoshita's presence. The words that he had been avoiding for months threatening to come out of his lips. His trembling hands unable to hold the ball anymore.
The sound of the ball hitting the floor called him back to reality and he stared wide eyed at Ennoshita. “Tanaka. Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” It was all he could say.
“You know you can talk to me, right?”
Tanaka nodded. “Some other time, 'kay?” Maybe, in the end, Nishinoya was right and he was a coward. But again, he would rather keep his crush hidden. At least for the moment. It was better this way, anyway.
“Sure. Anytime.”
–
That particular scenario kept happening with annoying frequency to a point where Ennoshita was completely sure something happened to Tanaka. At some point in the middle of September, Ennoshita had had enough. That night, Tanaka was exactly as he had been for weeks so he decided that today was a good day for pushing his friend into telling him whatever the fuck was wrong with his head so he actually put some effort into tricking Tanaka to stay later with him at the gym so they could talk alone. As usual, Tanaka laughed and tried to change the subject with a joke but Ennoshita was having none of that bullshit. “I don't know if you think I'm stupid or if you just don't trust me that much but seriously, Ryuunosuke, can you please stop pretending you are okay and nothing is happening?” he started. “You are a terrible liar and its so obvious that something has been bothering you. Stop being a jerk and tell me already!”
“I said its nothing.”
“Did you get rejected again?” Ennoshita asked. He gave that one condescending look that Tanaka always hated and crossed his arms. “Because, lets face it: it is old news.”
“Yeah, right. Because who would want to be with someone like me, right?” he laughed.
“That was not what I meant and you know that.” Ennoshita bumped his elbow on Tanaka's arm. “But since my hunch on your problem was right, don't you wanna talk about it?” Tanaka just shrugged. “Did you get rejected? What is it?”
“I wasn't rejected.” he sighed.
“So...?” he insisted but Tanaka didn't say anything else. “God, Ryuunosuke, stop telling me only the half of the story! Speak up already!”
He laughed. “Stop being so curious!”
“Stop being so curious!” he mocked him with some weird childlike voice. “Just tell me.”
When Tanaka finally stopped laughing – in part because that was funny but mostly because he was so damn nervous -, he stared at his own feet and sighed. “So...I like this person and they are not a girl.”
“Hm.”
“Hm?” he asked “Just....'hm'?”
“What? What was I supposed to say? You didn't even finish to tell me the story...right? This is not the end of the story, right?”
“No, is just....I just...I thought you would...you know....react in a different way.”
“Because....?”
“You know...because....you did understand what I am trying to say, right?” he had that cute confused look at his face that Ennoshita couldn't help but smile at.
“That you like boys. Or at least that you like a boy.” he answered. “Is this, right?”
“Yeah. Yes. Both ones.” Tanaka admitted. He scratched the back of his neck and not even all the power in the world would make him have enough courage to actually look at his friend in the eye. “I mean I like boys in general. And I like this....boy. In particular.”
“Hm.”
“Please, say something other than this.”
“I...you know...I'm waiting for the end of the story.” he shrugged. “Did you confess already? Does he know?”
Tanaka shrugged too. “I don't think he noticed. I never told him anyway.”
“Well...then go and tell him.”
Tanaka laughed. Everybody would always give him the same advice. Confessing wasn't something so easy as people like to make it seems. “It's not that simple.”
“I highly doubt it is as complicated as you think it is.” Ennoshita said. He bumped his elbow on Tanaka's arm again and again until he looked at him. “It's not the end of the world. Even if he doesn't like you back, you'll be okay.”
“Yeah, because I always get rejected so I'm pretty much immune to heartbreak.”
“That's so not what I said, Ryuu.” he chuckled. “I mean you'll be okay because I know you will. You are our future ace. You are unbeatable.”
Tanaka couldn't stop the warm laugh that came straight from his heart. “Sounds like you put too much faith on me.”
“Well. You earned it.”
They fell in silence for a moment before Ennoshita sighed again, stretched his arms and slowly started to walk away. “Let's finish for today.” he said, picking up a ball from the floor. He turned around and tossed it to Tanaka. “Because you are being a coward, I guess I'll let you clean up alone until you confess to this guy.” he joked.
Tanaka chuckled. He wondered if he should confess right there but they were having such a good and pure moment that he didn't want to ruin it with his unrequited feelings. “Don't be evil!”
“Don't be a coward!” he said but in the end, he did his share on the clean up and locked the gym with Tanaka. As they left, at the intersection where their path would divide, he stared at Tanaka with confidence. “Yosh, Ryuu! Cheer up. I'm sure this guy will accept your feelings.”
“I hope so.”
“I know he will.” he said. “Everything will be okay.”
“You are oddly optimistic today.”
“Yeah. I get that when I'm around you, somehow.” he shrugged. “See you tomorrow, right?”
“See ya.”
“What the hell am I thinking?!” Tanaka sighed. He waited there watching as Ennoshita walked away and realized that was all that he could handle by that time. Not knowing if Ennoshita would accept his feeling was horrible, but maybe being rejected would feel worse.
If that made him a coward he would have to accept it.