Work Text:
“Maybe we should take a break, Gabriel. You are getting frustrated,” Layla said. She was my instructor. She has been teaching me skills to cope with my new life as a blind man.
I lost my vision a few months ago in an accident. My whole life changed in the blink of an eye, so to speak. Even though I have my friends around me all the time, not to mention a whole team of medical professionals, I have never felt so alone in all my life. My friends always tell me to rely on them, but I don’t want to be a burden. Sometimes the isolation is so oppressive I feel I will suffocate under its crushing weight.
But one person always pulls me back before the darkness devours me. Benji is my anchor.
“I am not frustrated,” I lied with a sweet smile. “One more try? Please? How much time do we have left today?”
“We have about 15 minutes left. We will give it one more try and then break for today. Benji will be here soon to pick you up anyway,” she said. She was always so gentle with me, and her voice was beautiful. The color of sunshine.
I took a deep breath to still my trembling fingertips and positioned them once again on the tiny raised dots of the brail book in front of me. I often wondered why I was trying so hard to learn to read brail. It is not like it had many practical uses in life. So what if I could once again read a book? I did not care about that at all. I think I was so driven to succeed for personal reasons. Ever since the accident I felt so helpless relying on others all the time. I just wanted one thing…one little thing…I was able to do for myself.
This was so damn hard. My fingertips could feel the bumps on the paper, but they could barely make sense of them. Layla told me every time we met that my fingertips would develop a special sensitivity to compensate. She assured me that all my senses would change to accommodate my new sightless life. I felt tears of frustration threaten to fall, but I blinked them back. I hated to show weakness.
My fingers slowly felt their way across the page as I read the words aloud. Layla’s constant reassurance and encouragement were welcome, even though they made me feel weak and needy at the same time.
“Let’s call it a day, Gabriel. I want you to practice at home until our next meeting, but don’t push yourself too hard. These things take time,” she said. “Will Benji be coming in to get you, or should I take you outside to meet him?”
“Benji will be a little late today. Can I just wait for him here?”
“Of course. I will be in my office if you need anything.”
After Layla left, I closed the book and focused on sensing my surroundings. Nothing. Just the ever-present darkness. But, wait. A tiny flash of ocean blue. I smiled. A bird singing outside the open window. Little bursts of pale green. That was Layla tapping away on her keyboard. It was hard to feel sorry for myself when I stopped and listened to the colors. I may have lost my sight, but at least I still had my gift of synesthesia.
“Good afternoon, Benji,” the receptionist said from somewhere down the hall. Light orange.
“And a very good afternoon to you, too, Amy.” Dark green. The color of ivy. I could tell he was smiling. His dark green shimmered like sunshine on the water when he was smiling.
Footsteps coming closer. Benji’s footsteps. Charcoal gray. He was wearing his work shoes.
“Hey, Benji,” I said before he even entered the room.
He entered and ruffled my hair. “How did it go today?”
“Brilliantly,” I lied. “I am making progress all the time.”
“You hungry? Let’s go home.”
~
Benji and I had been lovers long before my accident. We had already been sharing a small apartment together for two years when I lost my sight. He has been the source of my courage. He has always had such a calming effect on me, but even more so since my accident. I don’t know what I would have done without him.
“Dinner is almost ready. Can you put some plates on the table, Gabe?”
Pale blue. The color of the knife snapping against the cutting board.
“Can I cut that? Please?” I always wanted to do as much as I could. I felt so useless.
“I don’t want you to injure yourself with the knife.”
I stood up and felt my way to the kitchen counter. “I will be careful,” I smiled.
Benji never coddled me. He always let me do things for myself when I could. He knew how important my independence was to me…and how difficult that was to achieve with my current condition. He stepped aside and carefully placed the knife in my hand. I felt around for the cutting board. “Carrots,” I said flatly. “You know I don’t like carrots.”
“True enough, but you will eat a few of them just the same.” Shimmering dark green. He was smiling again.
I started cutting the carrot into small pieces, but Benji’s hand halted my progress.
He slid up behind me. With his chest pressed against my back and his hands covering mine, he guided me. “Curl your fingers and hold the carrot still with your knuckles,” he whispered against my neck. His breath on my skin made my heart tremble, but, somehow, my hands remained steady. Together, we cut the carrot into bite-size pieces. This may seem so trivial to most, but it was these small victories that kept me going.
Benji arranged my food on my plate. He always arranged everything in a consistent pattern so I was able to find my food properly. He kept the house tidy and neat so I would not trip on anything. He even put my clean clothes away, always in the same places and in the same particular order so I could have the independence to dress myself. All the little things he did for me…they were not little at all. To me, they were enormous. He was so good to me. Sometimes I thought this must have been much harder on him than it was on me.
~
Lying in bed later that night, the utter darkness threatened to consume me once again. I could feel that familiar panic nipping and pinching at the edges of my sanity. I fidgeted trying to distract myself. Of course, he sensed something was wrong. He turned on his side and stroked my hair away from my forehead.
“Will you talk to me, Benji? The darkness is too much for me right now. I need your color.”
“I love you, Gabe.”
Dark green.
“Do you remember the day we met?”
Dark green spread across my mind like the flowing water of a tranquil river.
“There was a storm coming," he continued. "The sky was angry with dark clouds, and the rain was just starting to fall. I was rushing to the train station when I saw you. You were standing in the middle of the plaza staring at the sky with a stupid smile on your face. I thought to myself, what is this idiot doing?”
Shimmering dark green. He was smiling.
“I remember it like it was yesterday,” I said, smiling as well. “You walked up to me and thrust your umbrella at me like it was a bouquet of flowers you were giving to your first date. You were so awkward.”
“Yeah, I really was.” I wondered if he was blushing. “Then I told you a bad storm was coming and that you should not be outside. But you would not leave the plaza. You told me that thunder is the most beautiful sound you have ever seen. I had no idea what you were talking about. I thought you were crazy.”
“Distant, rumbling thunder is dark purple. Kind of like the color of a deep bruise. A close crack of thunder is so light purple it is almost white.”
“I remember. You know, I did not believe you when you first told me about your synesthesia. I actually searched it up online when I got home,” Benji confessed.
“No one ever believes me. That is why I don’t tell many people.”
“Why did you tell me?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. I felt a connection to you. I never met you before, but still I was drawn to you. I wanted you to stay a little longer, so I just said the first thing that came to my mind. Or something. I don’t know,” I said with a vague wave of my hand to hide my embarrassment.
“Hey, Gabe, what color is your voice?” Benji asked.
“I cannot see the color of my own voice. My voice is the only sound I have ever heard that has no color.”
“Can you tell me what the color of a kiss is?”
“I don’t think I remember,” I lied, grinning. “Kiss me and I will tell you.”
I could feel Benji’s breath on my face, then his soft lips on mine. He sucked hard on my lips and let them go with a loud SMACK.
I burst out laughing and grabbed his face. “Do it properly. That was an ugly color.”
Benji climbed on top of me and straddled my hips. He leaned closer and pressed his lips to mine softly. Slowly.
He tried to make as many soft noises as he could. He knew this was the only way I could see him now.
Subtle tones of yellow and peach filled my mind, chasing away the darkness. As he deepened the kiss, the colors became warmer and more vibrant. His soft moans added texture to the colors.
I broke the kiss, finally. “Benji, I told you a lie. The color of thunder is not the most beautiful sound I have ever seen. Those remarkable shades of purple are nothing compared to the color of you.”