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He probably looked stupid, waiting his life away at a children's park. How many hours has it been? How many years has it been since he started this idiotic ritual of his. What is it exactly that he was wishing for, what is it that he expected?
He didn't know, he didn't know anything other than the fact that this was where Kaneki had told him to wait. This was the place Kaneki was supposed to-- used to-- call home, on a whale hill with Hide at his side.
What happened to that he wondered.
‘My hair grew,’ Hide thought as the wind blew its chin length golden strands onto his face, obstructing his view.
People passed him by, many faces, some he'd seen before, some new. Some sneered, some didn't change and some twisted in pity. Hide learned to separate the world into three categories: dangerous people, Kaneki and unimportant extras. The crowd around him consisted only of the third category, and the aching lack of the second suffocate him.
It was a good day out, the clouds were beautiful and the weather was just perfect for a picnic. It seemed everything about this setting was laughing at his own messed up insides. The beautiful clouds taunting the ugly storm within him. The children’s laughter sounded like it was directed at him, and he knew it really might’ve be.
What would it take for him to walk away and never come back now? It should be easy, just a few steps. It should be easy so why were his feet planted to the ground? Why was is so hard to get his legs to move? How can something so simple be so difficult?
Kaneki was never coming back, he always told himself. He should know better than to think he'll ever come back, not for some friend he left behind. He should move on with his life like Kaneki had probably already done, clinging to Kaneki like this was pathetic. It wasn't fair of him, neither him nor Kaneki deserved that.
He didn't-- couldn't-- believe it though, he didn't want to believe that the person he considered his other half saw him as nothing but a replaceable object. It felt as if his role in Kaneki’s life was filled up by another the second he was no longer needed. He didn't want to believe he didn't mean a fraction to Kaneki as Kaneki did to him. Even if he knew he was never anything to begin with.
Hide thought he did his part well. He searched and searched till he collapsed. He ran and ran till his breath ran out. He did everything he was capable of doing, he tried all the ways he knew of to reach Kaneki. He just could never do it.
This was kind of ridiculous of him, time wasn't going to wait for him. The earth was still spinning, people around him were still going on with their daily lives. Why couldn't he?
Just for a second he thought what if his breath stopped. Would the world stop spinning then, would the crowd cease flitting around him? Would it feel like it felt whenever his eyes caught Kaneki’s? Whenever their lips met? Would he be able lose the concept of time and space again?
If he thought his fate was cruel he knew Kaneki had it worse. It wasn't an accident, what happened to him. Hide should've known better than try to find out. He knew Kaneki wouldn't have liked it, he knew it would've been better if he just assumed his role as the unassuming human friend. He just couldn't, the warmth of Kaneki’s skin, the small smile he reserved for Hide, the way he scrunched his nose at a particularly frustrating part of a book, they were all enough to drive Hide insane. All these little things were enough to break Hide thoroughly and Hide just wasn't ready to give them up. He'd never be ready to.
His own sad fate was an eternity.
A word delusional romantics loved to the moon and back. A word that pulls along with it a plethora of beautiful imagery. A word meant to describe the space between two lovers as they kiss the night away. A word meant for pastel pinks and soft scenery, two hands clasped in each other. Eternity should’ve been a promise, on an altar an arch of flowers providing shade on a beautiful clear day. A promise whispered between lovers as soft lips feverently met.
It wasn’t though, not to Hide.
The only promise whispered was farewell against chapped bloody lips. There was only a damp dark archway protecting them from bloodshed aboveground. Knee deep in murky water, the air was stale. It was dark, dark patches, halftones and stark splotches of scarlet, a hand clasping tightly onto a shoulder, pale as bone. It was the distance between them, never ending, with no starting point nor an ending point.
To Hide eternity was where he was right now, suffering alone without any resolution in sight.
Hide knew he should change, he knew he would never achieve anything by waiting here. It scared him to think he had to give up the last thing left for him to cling on. Where would he go if he left here? What would he do?
Still, where was this hopeless clinging getting him? Where even was he now? He should stop, he should leave right now. This was stupid, this was unhealthy. When was the last time he’d even had a good night’s sleep? When was the last time he'd even seen his bed? If this went on for much longer he would seriously end up breaking.
Just as he thought that he realized there has never been anything shackling his legs to the ground, he could really leave if he just took a few steps. He really could, and he wanted to. So he did. He took one step, two steps, three and stopped.
His head spun and his breath stopped. He was back in the cursed cycle because he could swear he saw a stark white head of hair. Hide took off after the figure. He couldn't lose him right now, not when he finally found him. He couldn't go back to waiting, he couldn't give up after he was sure he'd seen him.
“Bunnies die when they're lonely, you should really take better care of yours!” Hide yelled at the top of his lungs and he didn't care that half the city was looking at him weird. Nothing mattered but the head that snapped back to look at him and that terrified expression.
Hide smiled. He could repeat this cycle for all eternity if it meant that he'll end up at this point every time.