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“Kaneki, I don’t want to watch you go through the same thing again, please think about this!” Hide wanted to rip his own hair out of his head. He told himself he wouldn’t try to force Kaneki to do anything but this little play with Kirishima was getting out of hand.
Kaneki paused before speaking, “It’s not the same thing.”
“Well the way I see it you’re just going through a cycle. Kaneki I’m trying so hard not to tell you what to do, I want you to act according to your own wishes, it’s all I’ve ever wanted,” Hide’s voice weakened with each word.
“How about this then, I want to talk about you. Every time it’s just about me and my past and my struggles. I still don’t know anything about you. Nothing, Hide!” Kaneki turned the conversation around so thoroughly Hide couldn’t revert it back to how it was.
“What do you want to know?” Hide supposed he owed Kaneki at least this much. He wasn’t a hypocrite, he really always wanted to tell Kaneki, it’s just that Kaneki never asked. He didn’t need Kaneki thinking he’s going out of his way to hide things now.
“Your parents, I’ve never seen them.” Kaneki’s reply was instant but he backtracked quickly. “You don’t have to say anything you’re uncomfortable with though Hide.”
Hide held his bottom lip between his teeth. How thoughtful of Kaneki. “No, I’ll talk.”
Kaneki’s eyes softened even more. “Want me to make some coffee?”
“Please,” Hide needed all the time he could get to collect himself before he spilled everything onto Kaneki.
He didn’t think he was ready to explain the situation with his dad yet but for now he could at least talk about his mom.
He listened to Kaneki shuffling around the kitchen and the clatter of the mugs being placed on the marble counter. Not long after the smell of rich coffee wafted through his apartment. When they reunited Kaneki was really out of practice, his coffee was almost as terrible as Hide’s. It hasn’t been long since but his majesty’s coffee has gotten freakishly good really fast.
Hide didn’t even wait for Kaneki to fully sit down. “I only found out what I was after she died,” he said over the rim of his glass and then thought to add, “my mom I mean.”
Kaneki said nothing but he jolted slightly at Hide’s abrupt introduction.
“She lied to me my whole life, left me in the dark and died on me. I had to piece together my identity with only a journal and never ending hunger.” Hide’s tone was harsh.
Kaneki looked thoughtful, he looked like he had a million questions just at the tip of his tongue so Hide waited. Kaneki said nothing though.
“She died when I was young, just a few weeks before I met you,” Hide scratched the back of his head. “It’s why there was never anyone home, I was the only one left.”
“Do you hate her?” Kaneki asked after a while. It was obvious he talked himself into and out of asking 30 times before he actually did.
“I don’t, I hate what she did. I hate that she left me in the dark. I hate that she lied to my face every day. I hate that she left me with no explanations or warnings.” Hide could go on, but Kaneki stopped him.
“Are you not going to question why she did that? It might’ve been for your own good.” Kaneki looked nervous.
Hide stared at him for a while before shaking his head. “I don’t care if it was to protect me or some selfish shit. The damage has been done and nothing can change that.”
Kaneki flinched slightly and Hide finally saw what was going through Kaneki’s head.
“Kaneki, no, it’s not the same thing.” Hide looked at Kaneki seriously. He couldn’t believe while trying to fix things he ended up giving Kaneki more things to blame himself for.
Kaneki didn’t respond and Hide had to put his coffee down to lean closer to him.
“Kaneki-” Hide started but Kaneki cut him off.
“It is. It is the same thing. We both left you in the dark and expected for you to move on just fine.”
“But you keep coming back.”
“But you said it yourself Hide, the damage has been done and I have no way to take it back. Me coming back doesn’t change the fact that I hurt you a lot and that I still might in the future.”
“Then you just need to never leave again, that might help.” Hide gave him the closest thing to a smile Kaneki’s seen in awhile.
They sat in silence for a while, they both knew Hide’s request was unreasonable. Hide took a deep breath, he said he’ll talk, this wasn’t the time for his childish bitterness.
“The situation with my dad is a bit more complicated,” Hide started again, his tone a bit hesitant. He promised to do this though, he couldn’t back down now.
When Kaneki simply nodded Hide resumed, “So, like I said I grew up not knowing many things, my dad was one of those things. Her journal always mentioned someone named ‘Chika’ and I had no clue who that was. It was when she started mentioning a baby that I kind of caught up. I didn’t have a lot of information, I had to work with very little leads.
“There was never a full name, never a location, just the constant ‘Chika’ and a pregnancy. One they were both scared of pulling off.”
“When your mom was pregnant, did she ever see him? Was she forced to do anything?”
“What do you mean?”
“The Sunlit Garden. Was she forced to stay there until you were born?”
Hide shook his head. “She wrote that dad did everything he could to keep his affair and mom’s pregnancy a secret. For the most part she was staying as far from the city as possible.”
“To keep you away from the CCG.”
“Exactly.”
“So why did she move back here?”
“I guess I’ll never know. She died before she wrote anything about it. I almost gave up when a name I’ve never seen before came up. After that that same name kept appearing in the journal. I had enough facts to put together that my dad was some big-name and had a very dangerous job, and that my dad was partners with that guy. His name is Marude.”
Kaneki’s eyes widened, he wasn’t nearly as smart and quick witted as Hide, but he was smart enough to put two and two together.
“There weren’t that many places with that description, so it was easy enough for me to start getting suspicious. I began investigating around the time you turned.”
“That’s a huge time gap.”
“Well between finding myself, recovering and looking for practically nonexistent clues I guess a few years passed,” Hide said, his tone heavy with sarcasm. Kaneki averted his eyes and nodded for Hide to continue.
“So when you got kidnapped by Aogiri I also happened to get a very valuable tip about a Marude existing in the CCG. A Marude that was good friends with one of the big fish.” Hide looked up to meet Kaneki’s eyes and laughed humorlessly. “What? don’t look at me like that.”
“I’m sorry,” Kaneki apologized and Hide was quick to correct him.
“Don’t look at me like any of this was your fault.”
Kaneki just stayed silent and Hide supposed he was better off giving up for the day. “Anyways, one thing led to the other and I found out I was a Washuu, everyone’s favorite dysfunctional family.”
Kaneki almost choked on his coffee but collected himself quickly and nodded slowly, urging Hide to continue.
“My father and mother accidentally fell in love and I was the culmination of that relationship or something according to my mother. I thought it was incredibly selfish of them to bring me into this life in their circumstances, but I reckon there isn’t much we can do about that now.
On Rue I met my father for the first time.” Hide paused to take a deep breath.
Images flashed into his mind, blood covered the floor of the command room, blood covered every inch of him. The thick hot tears that slid down his cheeks, the lump in his throat as his father smiled at him for the first and last time and said “It's nice to finally meet you, son.”
“You look just like her.”
Hide didn’t realize he was crying until Kaneki’s voice startled him out of his thoughts.
“Hide.. are you-”
“No…” Hide muttered quietly, not trusting his voice enough to raise it any higher.
Kaneki said nothing but came closer to pry the steaming mug out of Hide’s shaking hands. Such a worrywart, as always.
Kaneki hesitantly reached his arms out for Hide from where he was kneeling in front of him, Hide was quick to fall into his arms.
“I killed him,” Hide whispered against Kaneki’s shoulder. “It wasn’t for Marude, it wasn’t for some noble reason. I killed them all because I wanted to.”
Kaneki said nothing but the hairs on the back of his neck involuntarily rose.
“It was an impulse, and I acted on it. I said I wouldn’t regret anything, so why?” None of this was making any sense to Kaneki, Hide knew. Hide didn’t care. He started and now the dam broke, Kaneki will have to deal with all his emotions, he was the one to ask in the first place.
“Why does it hurt so much? Why did he- why did he have to call me that?”
Kaneki held Hide tighter, Hide could tell he didn’t know what to do. This was probably the first time with Kaneki on that end of the comforting process.
“They hurt me, they hurt me so much but-” Hide was cut off by a sob that erupted painfully from his throat. “I can’t- Kaneki why can’t I bring myself to hate them?”
Kaneki probably understood this better than anyone, he most likely never knew how he and Hide were so similar in that aspect. Both of their parents left them all alone and hurt them, but neither could bring themselves to seriously despise them. The moments of kindness, no matter how brief, got in the way, they always did.
Kaneki started awkwardly patting Hide’s back, his mind reeling. Hide pulled back slightly.
“What are you doing?” Hide would’ve laughed if he could breath through all the sobbing.
“I-”
“Nevermind, just-” Hide sighed. “Just let me stay like this for a while.”
Kaneki said nothing and wrapped his arms back around Hide instead.
Hide let out everything he’d built up into Kaneki’s shirt.
“You shouldn’t cry over everything, little fox” his mom’s voice sounded sweet in the silence of the room. “Save your tears for the things that are most important, you only have so much tears before there isn’t any anymore.”
“What would happen if I didn’t have any more tears?”
He couldn’t quite remember his mother’s answer, but right now he didn’t care. He was tired of fighting against the prickling needles behind his eyes. He wanted to let it all out, and he did, sitting there in Kaneki’s arms.
Kaneki probably thought he was shit at handling the situation he had at hand, and Hide didn’t deny that he kind of was, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. His face squished into the fabric of Kaneki’s shirt on the hard wooden floor of Hide’s apartment.
Kaneki wasn’t leaving, he’d told Kaneki about all of the awful things he’s done and Kaneki was still there trying to comfort him. Kaneki wasn’t like them. Kaneki wasn’t going to leave him all alone. That was enough for Hide, that was so much more than enough.
“Thank you for finally opening up, I’m glad you told me,” Kaneki finally said in a quiet voice when Hide finally pulled back.
Hide didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve him the least bit.
When Hide felt a pair of lips against his own he was confused. Kaneki was kissing him. Hide didn’t understand. Hide’s mind was reeling and he felt numb. He felt numb all over, except for the places him and Kaneki were touching.
Hide felt completely terrible for loving this so much.
“Why did you do that?” Was the first thing out of Hide’s lips when they parted.
“Do what?” Kaneki played dumb.
“Kiss me. Kirishima wouldn't… I-” Hide started but was immediately cut off.
“Why does Touka-chan come up now?”
“What do you mean why? You two-” Hide was interrupted again before he could finish.
“You know better than anyone that’s not how it is, Hide,” Kaneki leaned in once more but Hide put a hand on his chest to stop him.
“Still Kaneki! This isn’t right. I don’t want- I don’t want us to be like that.” Hide’s voice was quivering and he cursed at whatever part of his body that was responsible.
“It isn’t. This is about you and me Hide, forget all that. It’s not that way with you, I really want it. I’ve wanted you for a very long time, more than anything, I just never realized I did like this. Not until now,” Kaneki’s hand went to Hide’s cheek and caressed the smooth skin.
“Like what?” Hide already knew, but he needed a spoken confirmation.
“Like I want to kiss you,” Kaneki murmured and closed in, pausing right before Hide’s lips. “Can I?”
“You can,” Hide affirmed and let his eyes flutter closed. Kaneki kissed him once more, and Hide didn’t know how he’d spent his entire life without knowing this feeling. He didn’t think he could live without it now.
“What else?” Hide smiled after they parted.
“I want to be the only one you ever smile at like this,” it was the private smile he reserved for only Kaneki. Kaneki didn’t really need to ask.
“How about the unspeakable? Want to do that?” Hide grinned and wiggled his eyebrows.
It’s been awhile since he’s teased Kaneki or said stupid stuff like this, it was nice to be able to feel light hearted once more. He wasn’t sure it would be good for Kaneki’s heart though.
Kaneki blushed furiously but said nothing, Hide was about to be merciful and change the subject when Kaneki finally said in a small voice. “Maybe after the third date.”
It was now Hide’s turn to blush. “You’re an idiot.”
“I know,” Kaneki smiled pleasantly.
“I can’t-” Hide didn’t want to let the emotions get to him again, he didn’t want to ruin this dreamlike moment. “I can’t believe we’re actually-” Hide cut himself off. “Kaneki, kiss me again.”
Kaneki complied, it was slow and sweet. They were getting the hang of this. Hide let himself lose his mind in the feeling, he didn’t want to think, he just wanted to feel.
“Can you stay for a while?” Hide asked after Kaneki pulled away. The words were out of his mouth before he could think about them.
“I’ll only leave when you kick me out.”
“No wait, that was stupid. I shouldn’t have requested that,” Hide wanted to bury himself, how embarrassing. Just because Kaneki kissed him a few times doesn’t mean he gets to get greedy now.
“It’s okay Hide, I want to stay.” Kaneki’s tone was firm.
“But your group…” Hide protested weakly.
“They’ll be fine for a few days. Besides, I’m sure you need me here way more than they do,” Kaneki smiled sweetly at Hide.
“You're… I don’t deserve you.. I never deserved you,” Hide was trying so hard to hold back the newly formed tears, this time of extreme joy and disbelief.
“It’s okay, you can cry.” Kaneki’s soft voice was the final straw.
“When you run out of tears you shrivel up and dry. You’ll have to become attached to someone in order to live.”
The words of his mother finally came back to him, and in that moment he couldn’t help but think that oh, how wrong his mother had been.