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The first time Isak considers going to Pride is on the first day of June. The boys and himself are sitting in the stairwell, and Isak is sprawled out on a windowsill scrolling through his phone. There was a singular photo on the explore page of his Instagram, geotagged to Buffalo, New York. There were two girls wrapped up in a rainbow flag, dressed in rainbow tutus and seashell bras, with multicolor beads hanging from their necks and lipstick marks polka-dotting their cheeks. He can't help but smile at the picture, liking it despite not knowing who's photo it actually is.
Magnus is standing next to him, leaning on the wall behind his head. He leans forward, studies the picture. “I thought lesbians had their own flag,” he says, and Isak jumps, having forgotten Magnus was ever there.
“Oh, uh... Yeah, I think they do.” Isak shrugs, looking at the picture. “Maybe they just like the rainbow aesthetic or something.”
“Aesthetic? That's so gay,” Magnus snorts.
“Yeah, bro, that's kind of the point,” Jonas says, and both boys' heads snap up to look at Jonas curiously. “Don't use gay as an insult, man.”
Magnus's eyes widen and he touches Isak's shoulder. “Fuck, bro, I'm sorry.”
Isak waves him off, “Don't worry about it.” He looks down at the picture again, tapping his screen when it starts dimming from the inactivity. He studies it closely; the smiles on their faces, and the sheer joy of everyone in the background. He can see a man wearing nothing but shiny gold shorts and a drag queen a couple feet back, handing out condoms. Isak bites his lip. “Do you think Even would want to go to Pride?”
Jonas shrugs. “You should ask him. Or maybe Eskild will go, and he'll probably ask Even to join.”
“Of course Eskild's gonna go. Didn't you say he went last year, Isak?” Mahdi asks, and Isak nods. “Yeah, Isak said he went like, everyday of the festival last year. He probably goes every year.”
“Can straight people go?” Magnus asks.
“Everyone can go,” Jonas nods. “It's probably better to go if you're LGBTQ, though. It's their day to be proud. But straight people can go to show their support, just maybe not march.”
“You have to register to march,” Isak says. “And the registration date is, like, long gone. So if any one of us goes, it's strictly as spectators.”
“Are you planning to go?” Mahdi asks, and Isak squirms.
“Uh, no... I don't think that's really my scene.” He clicks off his phone, makes the picture of the two girls at Pride go away.
Magnus furrows his brows. “Dude, not your scene? But..you're gay.”
“Mags, dude,” Jonas groans. “Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's comfortable flaunting it, like Eskild or whoever. He's only been out since, like, November. And even if he's comfortable holding hands at school or kissing Even in front of us... Putting himself out there and basically telling the whole of Oslo that he's gay.. That's probably a lot harder.”
“But if someone sees him at Pride, then they're also at Pride. So they're probably LGTBQ or an ally. What's so scary about that?” Magnus asks, and despite the fact that Isak rolls his eyes, Magnus's confusion that anyone would ever be homophobic is rather heartwarming.
“You're cute, Magnus,” Isak sighs. “But nah, I don't really see myself going this year. Maybe next year.” He puts his phone away and hops off the window sill. “I've got to go meet Even, so I'll see you bitches later. Peace.”
++++
The second time he considers going to Pride, he's sprawled out on Sana's couch working on a biology project. Elias, Sana's brother and the reason for his still-healing black eye, is sitting across the room editing some YouTube video. Elias had shown him the channel, but Isak hadn't wanted to watch more once he'd heard Even's name from Mikael's mouth in the SMS Roulette challenge. Elias hadn't put up a fight.
They're hot gluing two substrates to a catalyst when Sana brings it up. “Are you going to Pride this year, Isak?” She asks, and Isak freezes, his eyes darting up to Elias.
Sana realizes, and shakes her head slightly at Isak. “He already knows you're with Even. It's okay,” she says gently. And yeah, Isak knew that Elias knew. But it's different to be in the vicinity of someone who knows, someone that Isak hadn't been able to tell face to face. Isak doesn't know how Elias feels about it.
He clears his throat. “No, I don't.. No.” He pushes his fingers through his hair and holds the enzyme together to wait for the glue to dry. Sana starts gluing the already completed enzymes to the diagram. “Eskild is. Even might go with Eskild, I'm not really sure. He hasn't said anything about it.” He looks up at Elias again when he mentions Even, but Elias is still editing.
“Isn't it just a couple of days after your birthday?” She asks, and he nods. “I doubt Even will go with Eskild. He won't want to go if you don't.”
“He's his own person, Sana. We don't do everything together.”
“I didn't say that you did. But Pride is special, and he won't want to go without you. I already know.” She takes the enzyme that Isak had created and glues that to the diagram, so Isak grabs another substrate and another active spot and glues them together. He hisses when he burns his finger on the hot glue. “We need three more enzymes. And you need to make sure you know what an enzyme is, because we won't be able to use this on the mock exam.”
“An enzyme is a macromolecular catalyst that causes chemical reactions,” he says distractedly, staring at his burnt thumb with a pout on his face.
She sighs. “It doesn't cause chemical reactions, Isak. It just speeds them up,” she chides, and Isak rolls his eyes. It was basically the same thing, and the test is probably multiple choice anyway. “Why don't you want to go to Pride?”
Isak shrugs, but he feels himself deflate a little bit and he knows that Sana notices. So he gives in. He figures if there's anyone who might understand, it'll be her. “You remember.. You remember when we sat on that bench and you told me that people can't look at me and tell that I'm different? You were right. No one can tell I'm gay unless I show it. And fuck, I'm so scared to show it.” He bites his lip and shakes his head. “I've been with Even for a good five months now. Almost six. That's almost half a year, and yet I still get sick to my stomach whenever someone stares too long if I'm holding Even's hand. I still look around to see who's watching when we kiss on the street or something. Sometimes I can't even hold his fucking hand, especially around my dad, and it just, it sucks. He understands but I know it hurts him. And if we go to Pride, everyone is gonna know. Everyone will be able to look at me and everyone will know that I'm different. And that's terrifying.”
He's breathing heavily under the weight of his admission, under the weight of both Sana and Elias's stares. He can't help but to blush, to duck his head, though he fights the urge to bury his face in his hands. He has to keep some dignity.
Sana scoots closer. “Isak, everyone there will know that you're different, yes. But they'll be there to be proud of you for being different. They'll be celebrating the fact that you and Even are different from most. Isn't that comforting?”
“In theory, it's comforting.” He stares at his hands in shame. “In practice... I'm not so sure I want to find out.”
“Isak,” someone says, and it takes a moment for him to realize that it's Elias. He looks up at Elias shyly, under his eyelashes. Elias had closed his laptop and was now sitting up, facing Isak. “No one at Pride is going to look at you like you're different. Because everyone at Pride is just like you.”
And, oh. Isak hadn't thought of it that way. Everyone (or most people) at Pride will be gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, transgender, et cetera. Everyone there will be wrapped up in rainbow flags and tossing out condoms like candy canes at Christmas and blasting Born This Way by Lady Gaga like it's the national anthem. Most will be dressed in tutus and glitter and metallic spandex and eyeliner and hair dye. There will be drag queens and gay exotic dancers. And there will be people like him, dressed in a ratty shirt and dirty jeans and maybe, possibly, holding a boy's hand.
He bites his lip harder, tastes blood but he doesn't draw back. He takes a moment to form words, and no one rushes him. “I hadn't thought of it that way,” he admits, and Elias nods, turning back to his laptop. Isak's thank you goes unsaid, so he goes back to working on another enzyme.
“I think Even would enjoy Pride,” Sana murmurs, and Isak frowns. He'd hate to steal that experience from Even. “I think you would, too. I think it'd be good for you, to be surrounded by an atmosphere that's so amazing and loving towards your community. The support from your friends and Norway's allies is cool and all, but you don't get that sense of belonging and familiarity, you know? These people won't pity you, they'll understand you.”
“Empathy not sympathy?” Isak asks.
Sana nods. “Exactly. You might find someone with a story similar to yours. And you might hear some stories that inspire you.” She looks up at him when he hands her a new enzyme, a smile on her face. “And you might get some free beads,” she teases, and Isak laughs. “Now. What is unique about each relationship of an active spot to its substrates?”
++++
The third time he thinks about Pride, he's with Eskild. Eskild is sitting next to Isak on Isak's bed, sat in Isak's flat because Eskild had missed him oh so much, apparently. He's using Isak's laptop to buy some things for Pride, using express shipping so it'll get there fast enough. Isak is watching on curiously, giving him opinions on t-shirt designs and whether or not it's appropriate to wear a necklace of rainbow dicks.
Absolutely appropriate, they decide. And it goes in Eskild's cart.
“Ooh, Isak, look at this!” Eskild gasps, clicking on a rainbow skirt. Isak looks at it, eyes widening. It's a skirt, layers of rainbow tule held together by a red ribbon. “A women's tail skirt. Lingerie tail skirt. I could totally wear this with some red shorts, don't you think?”
“Uh...”
“Red spandex. Metallic, maybe? Or would that take away from the skirt?”
“I don't.. I don't know, Eskild,” he sighs, laying on his back and pretending to be over the whole thing despite his heart pounding out of his chest.
“I'll try a metallic pair and a solid pair and we'll see which looks best.” He clicks around and then taps Isak again. Isak forces his eyes open and looks at the screen, seeing a plain grey sweater that says Jævla Homo. “You should wear this.”
Isak rolls his eyes. “Wear it where? I'm not going to Pride, Eskild.” He settles on his back again, throwing his arm up so his elbow is over his eyes.
“You should go to Pride and you should wear this when you go.” Isak groans. “Come on, baby Jesus! You're evolving into such a healthy, mature gay. This is the final step.”
“I highly doubt my attendance at Pride is pivotal in my homosexuality.”
“Every reason to stay is a reason to go.”
“Is that off the back of a Hallmark card?” Isak grumbles, sitting up before Eskild can retaliate with anything. “Eskild, Pride is a big deal, okay? I don't... I don't know how to explain why it is, but it is. And I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet, or if I ever will be.”
Eskild puts his laptop aside, and frowns in concern. Isak looks away. “Isak, I know it's a big deal. And no one is going to force you to go if you don't want to. But I think you'd really enjoy yourself,” he says gently, and Isak stares at his lap. “Going to Pride is absolutely a big deal and that's the exact reason you should go.”
“Saturday morning, June 11, 2016, I was sitting in Jonas's bedroom and thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. That night, I was sitting in my bedroom thinking about what it would be like to fuck a boy. At 3 o'clock in the morning I was sitting in front of my laptop googling if having feelings for your best friend meant you were gay, googling coming out videos and seeing femme gay men and thinking I wasn't like them, thinking I couldn't be gay because I didn't wear lipstick, and feeling my stomach hurt because every time I looked at Jonas I felt these weird things and it had nothing to do with makeup but everything to do with liking boys. And then Sunday, June 12, 2016, a man shot up a gay bar in Orlando. And killed 49 people, injured 53 other people, just for being gay. The deadliest mass shooting by a single shooter and the deadliest hate crime against homosexuals in US history.”
“Isak.. There's always going to be people who hate on others for being different. There's always going to be people who try to punish people for love, who bring guns into gay bars or hold up protest signs at Pride parades. But if we don't stand up to them, no one else will. If we don't stand up for who we are and who we love, no one is going to be standing except for the homophobes. And they'll win.”
“I know,” Isak murmurs. He thinks about what Eskild said to him not even one year ago—I believe that before you've fought that battle yourself, before you've had the guts to stand up for who you are, you should be really fucking careful about putting yourself above gay pride—and it makes Isak a little sick to his stomach.
Who is he, in the grand scheme of things? Some poor pitiful gay kid in a free country who has an insanely hot live-in boyfriend and plenty of friends who've accepted him unconditionally? Isak is proud of who he is, and who he loves. But the idea of going to Pride makes him a little sick to his stomach, and he wonders if he's really that proud at all. “I'm scared that...if I stand now, people will notice I've been sitting this whole time,” Isak mumbles, when Eskild stays silent.
“If you stand now,” Eskild counters, “dozens and dozens of people will hold out their hands to help you up.”
++++
The fourth time he thinks about it is the day before the first day of the festival and the day after his 18th birthday. He was standing outside on the balcony, cooling off after a fight with Even. What actually happened wasn't a big deal, but the fight had gotten worse due to a culmination of feelings that had been developing. Close quarters will create tensions, so. Isak is pretty used to fighting a little more now.
Even pokes his head out. “Can we talk?”
“What is there to talk about?” Isak asks, picking at the chipping paint on the railing. The fight had been Isak's fault, he'd forgotten to do laundry and now they were absolutely out of clean clothing, but Even had gotten insanely angry and had spouted off insults like he was being paid to do so. And, needless to say, Isak hadn't taken it well. He'd said some things, too, but Even had taken it a bit far.
“A lot,” Even says, sighing quietly as he steps out onto the balcony with Isak. “The shit I said was insanely fucked up. And I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. You know I don't mean any of that shit.”
“Yeah, I know.” Isak watches Even sit down on one of their lawn chairs. There were 2, because that's all that would fit, and they're mismatched; one baby blue and plastic that was made to look like wood, one that was white nylon with red polka dots, held onto metal poles by elastic. Even had chosen the blue one. “But you shouldn't say things you don't mean.”
“You're right, I shouldn't. And I'm sorry.”
“I know that, too.” Isak steps back, sits himself in Even's lap, burying his face in Even's neck. Even wraps his arms around Isak's waist and Isak feels like he's come home, loves being held like this. “Do you, like.. Are you keen on going to Pride?”
Even tenses. “Uh..what?”
“The Pride festival starts tomorrow. And I was wondering if you'd been wanting to go or something,” he murmurs.
“I, uh. I hadn't really thought about it, if I'm honest. Why, did you want to go?”
“No, not really, I...” Isak swallows, lacing his fingers with Even's. “I mean. Yeah, yes. Yes, I would like to go to Pride. Only if you'll go with me, though. I can't go on my own.”
Even raises his eyebrows. “Oh? How come you haven't asked me before now?” He asks, and Isak shrugs.
“It's taken a lot of heart to hearts for me to decide I'd like to go.”
Even gasps, and Isak rolls his eyes. He already knows what Even is about to say. “Isak Valtersen talking about his feelings?! Willingly?! Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?!” He asks, shoving Isak's chest lightly but pulling him back in just as fast. Isak rolls his eyes again and suppresses his fond smile into the soft skin of Even's neck.
“Shut up. It was just the boys and Sana and, fuck, Eskild really talked me into it. He's very convincing, you know.”
“I should get him to give you guru advice about doing the laundry,” Even teases, and it's too early to make a joke about their fight because Isak still hurts, but he laughs anyway. Because Even is cute and sweet and pure and Isak knows that Even would never say things to hurt him, not on purpose.
“I should get him to convince you to not be a dickhead,” Isak pouts, and Even laughs so loud that Isak finds himself giggling along. “Just kidding. I fell in love with you being a dick and I still love you, so. It must be working.”
“You fell in love with me acting like a dick, or you fell in love with my dick?” Even teases again, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Isak shrugs. “Both.” Even laughs again. “What? Don't pretend you're surprised or anything, we have a pretty active sex life.”
“This is true,” Even concedes, smoothing Isak's hair back. Isak smiles, readjusting himself on Even's lap so they can face each other a bit better. “I love you, you know. A lot. So much.”
“I love you, too.”
++++
The day of the Pride Parade, Isak finds himself in some random white t-shirt and jeans, watching his boyfriend fuss over what to wear. He has two pansexual pride shirts; one that's plain white with Pansexual Pride written in black lettering, and one that's white with a rainbow containing the pan flag colors on it. “Issy, which one should I wear?” He fusses, and Isak bites his lip, studying both of them.
“The one with the pansexual flag colored rainbow. It's more...festival-y looking,” Isak says, and Even nods in agreement, pulling the shirt over his head and then beginning to gel his hair up. “Eskild gave me some face paint. Do you mind painting a rainbow on my cheeks?” He asks shyly.
Even turns around, surprise (and happiness) all over his face. Isak blushes. “Yeah, baby, of course! Just give me a second to wash the gel off my hands.”
Once Even returns from the bathroom, he takes the face paint and starts painting Isak's left cheek. It takes twenty minutes to do both cheeks, and when Isak looks in the mirror, he lets out an audible sigh of relief that it's just rainbow stripes and not anything more ostentatious. He gratefully kisses Even's cheek, whispering his thanks.
“Do you want me to paint a pan flag on yours?” He offers, and Even agrees. Isak figures it's because he wants Isak to feel comfortable, like having matching face paints will make him feel like he fits in more. Isak agrees, and is insanely thankful to have such a thoughtful boyfriend.
Isak paints two pansexual flags on either cheek. One pink stripe, one yellow stripe, and one light blue stripe. Then again on the other cheek. Isak admires his handiwork before allowing Even to view it, and Even expresses his gratitude through a three minute makeout session that nearly smudges Isak's rainbows.
They're interrupted by knocks on the door. Isak jumps up, and pulls open the door so they boys can come in. Jonas is wearing a plain white shirt that says Straight but not Narrow, Mahdi is dressed normally but is holding a gay pride flag, and Magnus... Magnus is wearing a shirt that proudly boasts I LOVE MY GAY BEST FRIEND. Isak nearly tears up, and hugs Magnus before anybody else.
Even forces them to take a squad picture, which ends up on Jonas's Instagram rather quickly. They eat whatever Even's prepared, which is some sandwiches with shit like cucumber on them, and then grab some drawstring bags and head out. Even holds his hand the whole time.
As a whole, Isak enjoys the Pride Parade. The music and the atmosphere and the rainbows that are literally everywhere put a permanent smile on his face, makes him drunk on happiness. It gives him the courage to drag Even over to the section of protestors and make out with him right in front of them, to not give a shit when they yell that Isak and Even will burn in hell. It gives him the strength to speak to a drag queen that walks by. At one point, Astroglide's float goes by and a man on roller skates presses bottles of lube into people's hands, including Isak's.
“Free lube!” Even had cheered, and Isak had only blushed a little bit. A picture of Isak and his free lube had been put on Magnus's Instagram.
They meet up with Eskild, who was killing it in his lingerie tail skirt. He'd gone with the metallic red shorts and Even had informed him that they didn't take away from the skirt at all, but Eskild had been so happy to see Isak there that he hadn't preened to much at the compliment. Isak felt loved.
Jonas wore beads and Mahdi caught condoms and Magnus danced with a drag queen. They cheered on the floats and sang the songs and met new people, including a lesbian girl who was scared to come out to her Catholic parents. Isak had related to her so hard, and they'd talked for a little before Isak was introduced to her girlfriend. The girl lit up around her girlfriend, and Isak knew he looked the same around Even.
At the end of the day, Isak's rainbows were melting off and he was exhausted and his feet were killing him, but he couldn't stop smiling. Jonas had caught a rainbow flag, a full sized one, that was thrown off some float. He'd given it to Isak, and Isak had wrapped it around his and Even's shoulders and posed with his lips pressed to Even's cheek. That picture had found its way to his own Instagram.
He captioned it, Love is love, and I'm proud to love you. #OsloPride2017