Chapter Text
They'd lost. Lost. They had prepared so well, had done everything they could to finally beat Ushijima, their last chance. But they never even got to play against Ushijima. Stupid, stupid, damned Karasuno, and-
No. No, he had no right to blame Karasuno, no right to blame Kageyama, or anyone else for that matter, no one but himself. He was the ace after all, right? Well, maybe Ushijima had been right in the end.
What kind of ace was he if he couldn't even claim victory for his team?
And of course, he knew. He knew it was a team sport, knew it better than anyone else, probably. He'd preached it to Oikawa, years ago, had forced him to believe it wasn't just him on the court, but when it came to it, Iwaizumi Hajime was just so, so pathetic. Couldn't even live up to his own words. To someone else, at that. Damn hypocrite.
Yes, it was a team. The team with the six strongest players wins, the team that drops the ball first loses. Team. All that jazz.
But when it came to it, it was Iwaizumi who had messed up, Iwaizumi who the whole team had put their trust in, only to have been betrayed. By him. Because he had one job, and he even couldn't do that right. Not the way he was supposed to. Not good enough to finally, finally, after all those years of trying, desperately trying and fighting so hard- he had still failed to lead the team to success, both as the vice captain and ace.
He couldn't cry, though. Oh, he wanted to. He really, really wanted to. But he couldn't. Had to keep it in, because yes, he had messed up, he had fucked up and destroyed any chances of the team continuing onward to the finals and, eventually, but also not, Nationals, because if he couldn't even beat Karasuno, there was no way he'd be beating Ushijima anytime soon. But, despite all that, he still was the vice captain and ace. He had to be strong.
He couldn't cry, damn it. He had to stay calm, had to keep his emotions at bay, because Oikawa did too, until later, when he was alone, Iwaizumi knew. Oikawa had performed great, had done everything he could, but Iwaizumi... he was convinced he could've done better, could've picked a better, sharper angle, jumped higher, hit harder...
Damn it. He really couldn't cry. He did not only have to stay strong for his captain, his best friend- also for his juniors, for Matsukawa, his boyfriend, for fuck's sake, because he was too disappointed (in him?) to keep his tears in, he was crying, and Iwaizumi was his boyfriend, his ace. He would be even shittier of a person (ace, vice captain, boyfriend) if he couldn't even support his own boyfriend. He needed to stay strong for Mattsun, needed to support him.
Even if that meant repressing his own feelings, which were pressing very much on him now. He couldn't cry. Not here, not in front of the team, not in front of Oikawa, who was still standing strong, though Iwaizumi could see he was devastated. Not in front of Mattsun.
The team said their greetings, and Iwaizumi screamed as loudly as he could, everything to repress the tears pricking very dangerously at his eyes. He couldn't cry. Not in front of, well, everyone. It'd only show even more how pathetic he was. A failure, honestly. He couldn't even-
Fifteen minutes later, everyone but Oikawa and Iwaizumi was crying their hearts out in the changing room. Even Kunimi had found tears, even Kunimi was disappointed. In him?
Iwaizumi couldn't cry. He had to stay strong, support his team. Be their rock. Iwa. Even Oikawa still wasn't sobbing, crying in the ugly way he usually did. He couldn't give in now, if Oikawa didn't. But Iwaizumi could see how hard it was on him, especially since he had now been defeated by his two enemies and had never managed to get his ultimate revenge on Ushijima, and Iwaizumi knew how badly he wanted to rub Ushijima's words in his face. Relatable, but impossible now. Because of Iwaizumi's faults, mistakes, failure.
He went to hug Oikawa, whispered in his ear that it was okay to cry, that Iwaizumi and the rest of the team understood, knew why he cried, would be there to support him, and then Oikawa cried. Oikawa let his emotions flow, and technically Iwaizumi could now too, but he couldn't. He had to stay strong for Oikawa now. He had already showed a weak moment, back out on the court, and Oikawa had supported him then, it was now his turn.
He couldn't cry. The entire team could cry, but Iwaizumi would stay calm, he had to. To support them. He had to be there for them, now that he'd ultimately ruined (all) their dreams, probably.
Mattsun stayed behind with Iwaizumi, even after everyone had left, and fuck, he was his boyfriend and all, but this was not planned. Iwaizumi didn't want Mattsun to see him cry. He had to support everyone, not steal their time so he himself could be supported, couldn't be selfish. He was the rock, he was the one who was supposed to be strong if anyone, everyone needed it. Not the other way around.
The others had clapped his back, again, and left. Mattsun had stayed. He was not supposed to.
Why didn't he go home like the others?
Iwaizumi wanted to cry, but he couldn't. Not in front of Mattsun. He had to be strong, he couldn't cry.
"I sure hope you do know nothing of this is your fault, Hajime," Mattsun said softly, breaking the tense silence. Iwaizumi kept his back to Mattsun.
Mattsun didn't take it, of course. Of course he wouldn't be fooled by Iwaizumi's front, Iwaizumi (when in his right mind) would never, ever turn his back on Mattsun. But Mattsun really, really couldn't see the hot, thick tears rolling down his cheeks right now, the betraying little bastards. He couldn't.
Mattsun saw the tears.
"Hajime," he repeated, more firmly this time. "It's not your fault, you hear me? You can trust me, okay? You can't always stay strong. I'm your boyfriend, but you're mine as well. You're not the only one who can support, you know. You can lean on me every once in a while, I promise I'm sturdy enough."
Iwaizumi cracked a teary smile at the subtle joke hidden in the words. The smile tasted salty, and he didn't turn around.
Mattsun walked around him and promptly pulled Iwaizumi down from the bench, pulled him down to the floor, into his lap. Iwaizumi turned his gaze down, but the tears that fell on Mattsun's sweatpants betrayed him. Stupid betraying little bastards.
"Hey," Mattsun said again, the adoration so clear in his voice Iwaizumi flinched. He didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of that tone right now. Probably never did in the first place, but especially not now. He didn't deserve it.
A finger, long and calloused, pulled his chin up so Mattsun could look him in the eyes, but Iwaizumi clenched them shut. Another, calloused, rough, gentle finger wiped away the stupid tears. Betraying little bastards.
The gentleness Mattsun was handling him with, only made his dams break, and Iwaizumi felt his face scrunch up in a very ugly, sad way before breaking out into loud sobs, sometimes turning into soft wails, usually strong, supporting body shuddering, wrecking with every sob. So weak.
Mattsun held him through it all, all that time, not even minding the wet spots his tears were making on his sweater. Stupid betraying bastards.
About fifteen minutes later, Iwaizumi's frustrated, devastated, guilty cries had turned into small sniffles, the flow of tears having stopped, his cheeks drying up and becoming disgustingly crusty from the salty tears. "I'm sorry you had to see that," he mumbled apologetically, almost inaudible, but Mattsun caught it anyways.
"Don't ever apologize for crying, Hajime," he said, stroking a large, warm hand through Iwaizumi's hair. He almost (subconsciously) leaned into it, but refrained. He couldn't get too used to this. He didn't deserve Mattsun, at all.
"You-" he tried to say, but got interrupted by his own thoughts screaming no at him. Saying that would only make the situation worse, because then Mattsun would get sad and it would give Iwaizumi only more reason he didn't deserve Mattsun, because he couldn't keep him happy, and that would make Mattsun more sad, and-
"It's not your fault, Haji."
Iwaizumi cringed at the loving nickname. He didn't deserve it. "But is is, Issei."
"Please, Hajime. You did so well, you fought so hard, like you always do, so please don't go blame this on yourself. I love you okay, please don't ever forget that. Even if it was your fault, I'd still love you. You know that, Hajime, so please, please stop blaming yourself for things that are not at all your fault."
Right. Mattsun - Issei - loved him, but he didn't deserve that. Well, Issei thought he did, Issei thought he deserved everything, and Iwaizumi just had to believe that.
At moments like this, moments he was so, so weak, so pathetic- it was hard to remember when Issei was such a wonderful person who always did everything he could, always fought, always loved Iwaizumi, was never afraid to show his true self.
Iwaizumi usually wasn't, but he wanted to be strong for anyone. His pathetic side was one thing he liked to hide. He couldn't hide it. Not from Mattsun. But Mattsun still loved him.
"I-" he stammered out, still devastated, still feeling guilty for bursting it all on Mattsun, still felt bad- but he had needed the reminder.
A reminder Issei still loved him, a reminder he had gotten without saying anything. Issei still loved him. They were okay.
"I love you too, but-"
"No buts, we're going to my place and you're going to let me spoil you, for once."
"I- okay."
"Issei?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you."