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Chapter Text

After the battle of New York, Shield had insisted that all of the Avengers stay in one place, so that it would be easier to assemble in case of emergency. Naturally, they volunteered the new Avenger’s tower. Sure, Tony protested at first, but he didn’t really mind. He had plenty of space, and the company might be nice. At first, everyone kept to themselves, but they slowly became closer. Tony did have to hide more, but it was fine. He was happy with the way things were. At least, most of the time.

The sound of laughter filled the halls, surrounding Tony as he walked to his room. It was game night. He wanted to stay and spend time with the team, but he couldn’t. Not while they were talking about The Battle again. They all loved to talk about the hard earned victory, but it made Tony feel sick. He said he was tired and went to bed. (Even though it was only 9.)  

It’s been a week since the battle of New York, and Tony still wasn’t over it. Of course, the team didn’t know about the nightmares, or how even the dark was enough to freak him out.

I’m like a five year old… Tony thought to himself as he climbed into bed, leaving the light on. “The door’s locked, right J?” Tony asked. He didn’t want any of the Avengers walking in on one of his… incidents.

“Yes sir, but may I advise you-” Tony cut his AI Jarvis off mid sentence.

“No, you may not,” he said coldly. He didn’t need any more speeches about how he needed help. If the AI could sigh, Tony was sure Jarvis would’ve. Feeling bad, he softened his tone. “G’night J.”

“Good night Sir,” Jarvis replied. Now that that’s settled, Tony thought it’s time to sleep. With the lights left on, he closed his eyes.

He flies higher and higher into the sky, flinging himself through the portal. He loses all communication, his suit freezes over. Tony lets go of the missile, letting it hit the main ship above. I’m gonna die he thinks. This is it. He can feel the crushing blackness as he runs out of air and he can’t breathe…

And now he’s falling, and falling, and falling. He’s so tired, so he decides to just sleep for a little bit.

ROOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAR

And Tony wakes up. What a shame he thinks. I was really tired. Realizing his friends were there, he immediately started to make jokes.

“What the hell? What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me?”

“We won,” Captain America said. Tony kept talking after that, not really paying attention to the words leaving his mouth. All he could think about was the cold, the dark…

“We’re not finished yet,” Thor said. So Tony payed attention.

He was back in the portal. No, this isn’t right, I got out! Tony panics, as he feels the ice covering his suit. The cold was reaching him through the metal, causing him to shiver. It was so dark, why couldn’t he see? Then the suit shut down, and everything went downhill from there. There was no more oxygen being run through the suit. Oh god, he was suffocating. Tony was paralyzed, gasping at nothing, his lungs burning. He was cold, and he was just getting colder. The dark was closing him in, covering him. So tired he thought to himself. Should jus sleep for a bit.. Tony closed his eyes as he fell. He was ready for a bit of peacefulness.

+++

Stark gasped as he woke up. He looked over to his clock: 2 am. He slept enough.

Stumbling as he left his bed, Tony made his way over to the kitchen for some coffee. If he was gonna get any work done today, he needed caffeine.

+++

The kitchen was cold, which sent Tony briefly shivering as he remembered his nightmare… the cold was creeping up on him, surround-

“ Tony? Why are you up?”

Tony gasped as he heard the voice behind him, snapping him out of his thoughts.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Tony said, turning around to see Steve with a worried look on his face.

“I came to get a glass of water. We finished our game after you left and went to bed.. At least that's what you said you were doing. Now answer me.” Steve said, crossing his arms.

Tony sighed. It didn’t look like he was getting out of this one easily.

“I did go to bed, but now I'm awake. I'm gonna grab a coffee and get some work done.” Tony sad calmly, hoping Steve would drop the subject.

“You only slept for five hours. Tony, that's not enough.” Steve frowned, and even tried the puppy dog eyes.

Tony looked away. Dammit! I'm no match for the puppy eyes… How do I escape? “I know, but I had a really good idea for some new arrows for Clint and I didn't want to forget.” Tony said, avoiding the captain’s gaze.

“Couldn't you just write it down and work on it tomorrow.” Steve pointed out logically.

“Yeah but I don't have any pens in my room.” Tony sounded unsure.

“Tony, why are you really up?” The captain asked.

“My- my room is cold.” Tony shakily replied. This conversation was getting a bit to personal for comfort. “I came to get some warm coffee to warm up.”

“Can't you just have Jarvis turn up the heat?” Steve asked. He knew that Tony was hiding something.

“I'm sorry I'm not as smart as you to think that Capsicle, but I'm half asleep.” Tony spat towards his friend. I'll probably regret saying that later, he thought.

Steve looked upset. Now here comes the regret.

“I'm sorry Steve, I shouldn't have said that,” Tony sighed.

“You're apologizing? Tony, are you drunk?” Steve only looked like he was half joking.

“Nope, just tired.” Tony was glad the crisis had been avoided. He didn't need Steve

knowing about his nightmares. The great Steve Rogers would probably think he's pathetic and weak.

“You should go get some sleep Stark, you need it,” the captain said, laughing lightly. He yawned. “Have a good night.” Steve grabbed his water and went back to his room.

Tony started his coffee. He knew he wasn't going to sleep, bit it felt nice to know Steve cared about him. He smiled, thinking back to when he hated Steve. Sure, they still argued, but they were much better now.

As Tony walked down to his lab, he sipped his coffee and tried to forget his nightmare by thinking about his team.

+++

“DUMMY! FIRE!” Tony screamed to his bot.

The robot rushed over and doused the flames. It beeped proudly when finished.

“Why is it that you always seem to miss the real fires?!” Tony said fondly. “If you don't work on it, I may have to demote you.”

Dummy beeped, sounding scared.  He waved his extinguisher, seeming to say ‘but it's my job!‘

Tony laughed. “I'm just kidding. You have the ability to blackmail me if I really made you mad.” Tony stroked his robot, sipping his second coffee for this hour.

“You'd probably set less fires if you slept,” Bruce said, walking into the lab.

“Sleep is for the weak,” Tony replied, remembering the cold, the darkness. He couldn't breathe, he was dying and oh God what could he do- Tony shook away the memory. Not now, not in front of Bruce. “How'd you get in here?”

“Jarvis let me in.” Bruce walked over to Tony, holding a sandwich out to him. “Eat,” he said.

“Not hungry.” It was true. Tony couldn't stop thinking about the portal after 2 weeks. It made him feel sick, and he didn't know if he could hold down food right now.

“Jarvis, how long has it been since Tony last ate?” Bruce asked Stark’s AI.

“Jarvis, don't answer him,” Tony said.

“I'm sorry Mr Banner, but that is classified information.” Jarvis said, sound as disapproving as he could.

“Okay… Jarvis, how many meals has Tony consumed in the last 4 days?” Bruce quickly muffled Tony's next words with his hand.

“Mr Stark has eaten -1 meals in the last 4 days,” Jarvis said, sounding smug.

“Tony, how do you eat negative one meals?” Bruce said, upset.

“Had a stomach virus the other day,” Tony mumbled. Bruce didn't need to know he puked because the nightmares had been too vivid.

“Are you better now?” Bruce asked, even more concerned.

“No,” Tony said, willing Bruce to go away.

“Well then come on, let's get you to bed to rest,” Bruce said.

“ No,” Tony said a little too quickly. Bruce looked at Tony confused. “I mean, I haven't tried to eat, so I guess I'll try now.” Bruce smiled, handing Tony the sandwich. Tony inspected it. It was just ham and cheese on bread. He could do this. He carefully took a bite, chewed it, and swallowed it. He smiled through the nausea he felt immediately after.

He continued to eat, Bruce sitting with him while he did. On his last bite of the sandwich, Tony was fighting to get his body to accept it. Of course, he didn't tell Bruce about his internal war.

“How do you feel?” Bruce asked, both happy and concerned.

Dizzy. Sick.

“Great, thank you for making me eat that Brucie. It's nice to know you're looking out for me.” Tony smiled his TV smile. Bruce didn't notice how fake it was.

“Good. Do you want any help with… Whatever you're working on?” Bruce asked, not recognizing the scrap metal in front of Tony as anything.

Tony looked down too. He didn't know what he was making, just tinkering. He didn't care either. He needed Bruce to leave now. Sure, they were closer than the others, but Tony didn't want to run away to vomit in front of anyone, let alone his Science Bro. “Nah, I'm just playing around right now.”

“Okay, well then I'm gonna head upstairs then. Call me down if you need me,” Bruce said.

“Will do,” Tony replied, flashing Bruce a smile as his friend left. As soon as Bruce was out the door, Tony immediately dropped his fake smile. “Jarvis, lock the door and don't let anyone in.”

As he did so, Jarvis asked if he may know why.

“Don't need anyone to see me like this,” Tony said. He felt sick. His head hurt. And his lab was cold.

+++

After what he liked to call the “food incident”, Tony made sure his lab was always locked. Every now and then someone would want to get in to talk, and usually Tony would let them. It's been three weeks since New York now, and he made a discovery: As long as he didn't sleep, the memories weren't as present. Unless, of course, he was in complete darkness, or surrounded by silence. Then he freaked out. These problems were easily taken care of by leaving his lights on, and always playing music.

1 week later  

Tony now had a coffee machine in his lab with him, so he didn't have to go upstairs. The others were worried about him. He didn't care. He had now gone a week straight without sleep. He looked like it too. He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was a mess. Tony knew he would have to face the others soon, but today was not that day. At least, that's what he thought.

Everything had been fine, he was just upgrading some new arrows for Clint, when his eyes slipped shut. He jerked himself awake, and knocked over his coffee cup by accident. It shattered on the ground. With shaky hands, he tried to pick up the glass, only managing to cut his hand. Shit he thought, lifting his hand. He then tripped, landing in the glass. He looked at his arm. There was blood streaming now. His gaze traveled down, and he saw a large shard stuck in his side. When he touched it, he felt a sharp pain. Bad idea, he thought. His vision began to blur. As long as I'm on the floor, I guess I could sleep… Tony thought, for once forgetting his nightmares. He could hear Jarvis talking, but wasn't processing his words. He laid his head down.

“Sir… Calling… Overriding code…” Tony didn't care. He was too tired. He slept for the first time in a week.

When Tony woke up, he realized two things. 1) He hadn't had any nightmares. He almost smiled until he realized the second thing. 2)There was a sharp pain in his arm and side. He groaned.

“How are you feeling?” a voice said beside him.

“Like I've been stabbed,” Tony said, turning to look at Clint with a smile on his face.

“Good guess!” Clint said smiling. His smile faded though. “Do you remember what happened?”

Tony was deciding whether or not to lie. He sighed. He didn't want to lie to Clint.

“I collapsed from exhaustion,” Tony said bluntly, staring at the ceiling.

“What?” Clint asked, confused.

“I hadn't slept for a week, and I just collapsed,” Tony muttered.

“You can get meds for that you know,” Clint said.

Tony thought about it. “I'll think about it,” Tony said. He really would. What if it really helped?

+++

3 days later

Tony had gotten pills for sleep. He hasn't used them yet. He was afraid. Why do I need pills? Am I sick?  Tony didn't like where his train of thought was going, so he stopped.

Suddenly, Jarvis spoke. “Sir, Steve is requesting entry into the lab to speak to you,” he said.

“Let him in J,” Stark answered, throwing the pills into a pile of scrap metal, out of view.

“Hey Stark!” Steve said as he walked in. “We're having a team movie tonight, and you are required to come!”

Tony weighed his odds. He could either argue with Steve and lose, or he could agree without a fight.

He went with the latter option. “I'll be there Capsicle. What are we watching?”

“Clint said we're watching this really cool movie called The Lion King ! I'm so excited.

Tony laughed. Maybe tonight wouldn't be so bad. Maybe things were really getting better.

If only he knew how it would really be…

Chapter Text

Eventually, Natasha came downstairs, claiming the movie was starting.

“Why are you the one collecting me? I expected Clint,” Tony said. “Not that I’m upset to see you! You’re great.”

“Nice save Stark,” Natasha said smiling. “The boys are being idiots upstairs,” she added.

Tony looked worried. Sure, Natasha called them idiots all the time. But the spy was a very intelligent woman, and rarely let you forget it. Tony didn’t know if he needed to bring the fire extinguisher or not. “How are they being idiots?” he asked carefully.

“You'll see.” Natasha answered him with a light hearted smile, so he guessed everything was fine. Tony let out a sigh of relief. Natasha clapped his arm in a friendly way as they made their way towards the elevator.

Tony flinched at the contact. She hit the arm that had been stabbed. It was mostly healed now, but his left arm and side was still sore. “Sorry,” Natasha said, seeing even the smallest details.

“It's fine Nat,” Tony replied.

They continued to talk as they walked. It was pleasant, until the conversation took a turn Tony would rather it didn’t. “So, how did you manage to stab yourself anyway? I asked Clint, but he won’t tell me.” Natasha asked.

Tony was glad that Clint understood that the sleeping issues weren’t something he wanted to share. He decided that until he was ready to tell the others, the best answer was a lie. “Well, I knocked over my coffee cup while reaching across the workstation, and when i moved to grab a broom, I slipped on the coffee. I must’ve hit my head on the floor and blacked out.”

Natasha looked skeptical, but if she suspected a lie, she didn’t say anything.

+++

When they both reached the living room, Tony saw what Natasha meant by “idiots.” They were building a fort using the couch and a couple blankets.

“It's big enough for everyone!” Steve said happily. Tony’s step faltered. The fort looked… Dark.

“It's fine guys, I'm gonna sit over there,” Tony said, pointing to a side chair.

“Aw come on Tonyyy,” Clint whined. “Don’t be a buzzkill!”

Tony thought about it. They would all be squeezed into it, so he would be surrounded all around. It would be dark. He wouldn’t be able to move easily.

-The dark was all around, crushing him-

No. He would not go into the fort.

“No, you’ll have more space without me. And Steve, trust me, you'll need the space with this movie,” Tony joked. Joking was good. Nobody would see he was hiding.

Bruce looked suspicious. “Dammit Bruce” Tony thought. “Just accept it.”

“Tony, are you sure? There really is plenty of room, Clint is very good at fort building,” Bruce said, looking Tony in the eye.

“I'm sure. I don't wanna be around Capsicle when we get to The Scene That Shall Not be Named,” Tony said, drawing attention to Steve. That's how he always did it. Just drag attention away.

“I'm starting to get a little scared guys, why is Tony talking like that!” Steve looked genuinely upset.

“He's just trying to psyche you out dude, ignore him.” The others set to reassure Steve about how unscary the Lion King is. Tony sighed happily, and went to sit in his chair. He curled up as the beginning credits began to play.

That's when the rain started.

One thing that not many people knew was that Tony loved the rain. He loved the constant beat it made as it hit the windows and walls. (he couldn’t hear it off the roof, he was too far down.) He even loved to go out in the rain, because it felt so pure. So the rain made Tony feel safe. He started to relax.

Then the power flickered. Tony felt less safe now.

Of course, it started right back up again, and nobody thought anything of it. They just watched the movie.

Well, nobody but Tony thought about it.

“ What if the power goes out for a long time?!”

Tony was trying to find a way to excuse himself without seeming like a jerk. There's no way he would let himself get into a situation happen around his team. He ran through ideas in his head. He could claim he was tired. Glancing at the clock, he trashed the idea. It was only 9 o'clock. What if he said he was sick? No, they would all know it was a lie.

Tony was starting to panic when the power flickered again. Outside, the thunder was booming louder.

“Nononono” he thought.

He was glad the others couldn't see him panicking.

And, just before The Scene That Shall Not be Named, the power went out.

And it stayed out.

Tony closed his eyes, and tried to breathe. It wasn’t working very well.

“You are safe,” he thought. He didn’t believe it. He felt himself slipping away.

-The darkness was all around him, blinding him. The void was absolutely silent.-

Tony rolled off the chair and curled up in a ball, seemingly trying to protect himself. There was a loud bang when he hit the ground, and it hurt his side and arm when he landed on them, but he didn’t care.

-Then the cold started. It covered the suit, then started to get inside. Instantly, Tony was shivering. He took a shaky breath from his oxygen tank, his lungs were hit with a sharp pain as they were filled with freezing air-

Natasha peeked her head out of the fort when she heard a noise. She squinted around the room until she saw a pile on the floor in front of the chair. “Tony? Are you okay?” No answer. “Tony?” Natasha said again, beginning to crawl toward the lump she saw on the floor. When she got to it, she gasped. It was Tony, curled into himself silently. “Tony?! What happened?” He ignored her. In reality, he couldn’t even hear her. He was too far into his own memories to be aware of her.

-Then he couldn’t breathe at all. His oxygen tank shut down, along with everything else in the suit. There was no air or heat, and he was gasping at nothing, and his lungs burned, and nonono he did not need this. He wanted to live, wanted to talk to Pepper, to his team-

Natasha freaked when Tony’s breathing got shallow. “Someone go get a light!” She yelled.

“What? Why?” Clint asked, carefully walking towards Natasha’s silhouette. Natasha ignored him because she didn’t want to admit that she had no idea. Clint, realizing he wouldn’t get a response, ran into the kitchen. Natasha heard some banging and a muffled curse before clint returned, holding a small light. “What’s going on?” Clint asked.

-As Tony worried about dying alone, he realized something. Soon the arc reactor would shut down like the suit.-

“Why is Natasha freaking out?” Bruce asked worriedly, as he exited the tent, followed by Steve.

“I’m not freaking out!” Natasha yelled, proving to Bruce how bad things really were. The spy never yelled. Clint shined the light towards her. When he saw why she was freaking out, he almost dropped the flashlight. It was Tony. All the Avengers were in a state of shock when they saw their usually obnoxious friend in a heap on the floor.

-So now he couldn’t breathe, and his heart was being stabbed. Of course Tony had to die in agony, of course it  couldn’t be quick. He probably deserved it… He wasn’t able to make up for the lives lost because of his weapons, the torture in Afghanistan wasn’t nearly enough to pay for the innocent people-

And then the unthinkable happened. Tony wasn’t only curled up on the floor shivering like he was in a pile of snow; now he was crying too. Tony Stark, the same man who had been accused of being heartless more times than you could count, was crying on the floor. Everyone was speechless.

-Yinsen. His thoughts always ran back to the man who saved his life. Tony thought of him now, thought of how he was told not to waste his life. He didn’t know if he could fight… he was just so tired. But then he thought about his friends, and how they needed him. Tony was running out of air, and his heart was being hurt worse by the second. The merciless cold wasn’t really helping either. So Tony did the only thing his terrified mind could think of doing. He used his little air left to beg.-

The real shocker was the part that came next. Through his pained, gasping breaths, Tony started to speak. “Please,” he whimpered. “Please, someone help me, someone please hear me and help.” That was when Bruce broke. The way Tony was speaking, like he knew it was hopeless, but he had to try was too painful. And the way he sounded, like he was in physical pain… He had to leave before his emotions got the best of him.

-”Anyone?” was the last thing Tony could choke out before he got too tired to even do that. He was taking his last few shallow breaths when he started to black out… the shadows were collecting around the edges of his vision.-

Tony let out a small whisper as his breathing grew weaker.

“TONY!” Clint screamed. And then he screamed again. There were tears streaming down his face as he kept yelling his friend’s name over and over into the dark room.

-And then the whole scene started again. “Please not again, I can’t do it again!” Tony said into the void he was surrounded by.-

Steve dropped down next to Tony as he seemed to be starting the whole thing again. Natasha just looked on the whole scene with an empty look on her face. Clint was still screaming, this time not only Stark’s name.

-Something was different now, something good. There was a voice breaking through the silence.

“Tony fight this, come on!”

“Please be okay! This wasn’t supposed to happen and I need you to get up right now!”

Tony clung to the voice, and noticed that the cold seemed to back off-

When Natasha felt Tony stop shivering, she immediately figured out why. “Clint! Your yelling is helping, don’t stop!” She started yelling more encouragements at Tony, and soon Steve was too.

-Soon, there were more voices. Tony held onto them and allowed them to carry him back to Earth, out of the portal. -

When Tony opened his eyes, the first thing he noticed was the flashlight beam shining

directly at him. He was grateful for the light. The second thing he noticed was the yelling. “Guys, I’m okay now,” he said, recognizing them as the reason he wasn’t still stuck in the loop.

“Are you okay?” asked Clint, his voice hoarse.

“What the hell just happened?” questioned Natasha.

“I- I’m gonna get Bruce,” Steve said, obviously feeling awkward.

Steve ran out of the room, looking for Bruce to tell him that Tony was awake. Natasha looked at her friend on the floor. “What just happened?”

“Can we talk about it another time,” Tony asked. He wasn’t shocked when he heard his own voice crack. He had been crying, and felt like it may start again. But he had to stay strong in front of his friends. When he tried to sit up, he felt a sharp pain in his side. “Shit!” Tony yelled. Pulling up his shirt, he realized he must’ve reopened a healing cut in his side when he fell on the floor. Natasha and Clint hadn’t even seen the blood.

“Of course we can talk about it tomorrow!” Clint said. “We should probably get you cleaned up.” As Clint said the second part, Bruce walked in with Steve, both carrying their own flashlights.

“What needs to be cleaned up?” Bruce asked.

“One of the bigger cuts in his side opened up, he’s bleeding,” Natasha said.

“Steve, go grab one of the first aid kits please,” Bruce said, kneeling beside Tony.”Tony, take off your shirt.”

“Wow, don’t we think this relationship is moving a bit fast Brucie?” Tony joked, but he did as he was told. Steve returned, carrying one of the over filled first aid kits placed all around the tower. Bruce had Steve hold a light above Tony’s cut as he cleaned it and bandaged it.

Bruce smiled as he finished. “No, I think it’s perfectly paced. Mind if I take you to bed?” Bruce winked and fought back a laugh.

Tony no longer thought anything was funny. He couldn’t go to sleep, not after he just relived everything, the nightmares would be horrific. “I can’t go to sleep,” he said.

“Why?” Bruce asked, all hints of humor gone from his voice. He was in doctor mode.

“Because..” Tony fought to think of an excuse. “Because I have to work!”

“The power is out, you can’t do anything,” Bruce pointed out, looking at Tony like he knew why the inventor didn’t want to go.

“Oh yeah. Well, I’m not really tired right now, so I think I’ll just read by flashlight for a bit.” Tony knew that was a weak response. It was also a lie. The -incident- took a lot out of him, and he was fighting to stay awake.

“Okay, well, I’ll walk you to your room, and help you get everything together. Everyone else, go to bed,” Bruce said. Natasha, Steve, and Clint knew not to fight the doctor, and all said good night before walking off to their rooms. Tony watched as the light caused by their flashlights faded and the only thing keeping the living room lit was Bruce’s one light.

“You should go to bed, I don’t want to keep you up,” Tony said.

“Nope, I’m not going to leave you right now Stark. Can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Okay. Can you help me up?” Tony was too tired to fight Bruce on it.

Bruce carefully pulled Tony to a standing position, and together they walked down the hall to Tony’s room.

+++

“So, you should get some sleep. I can tell you’re exhausted,” Bruce said to his friend, who was laying in bed, holding the flashlight like it was a lifeline.

“Nope.” Tony replied.

“What if i stayed here with you?” Bruce asked. He was able to put the puzzle together, even though it was still missing a few pieces. He didn’t know why, but he assumed what happened in the living room was some kind of major panic attack, most likely caused by PTSD. Right now, he knew that Tony was afraid of having nightmares. It would explain why he never wanted to sleep, even on a good day.

“I don't want to do that to you,” Tony said in a small voice.

“So,” Bruce thought. “Tony wants me to stay, but doesn’t want it to be a burden on me.”

“Well, I’m staying, and you’re sleeping, whether you like it or not,” Bruce said, settling onto the couch in Tony’s room.

Tony let out a quiet laugh. “Okay mom,” he said. He looked over to Bruce. “I’ll take the couch, you can have the bed.”

“No, you need the bed because your side is injured. I don’t want you hurting yourself trying to sleep on a couch.” Bruce replied reasonably.

“What if we shared the bed?” Tony asked. “It’s big enough.”

“Okay,” Bruce replied, walking over and laying down on the side of the bed Tony wasn’t.

Tony smiled. “Bruce, could we leave the flashlight on?” He asked like he thought Bruce might say no.

“Of course,” Bruce answered. He added that Tony didn’t like the dark to the puzzle. Soon, maybe it would be finished and he’d be able to see the big picture. But right now, he was just glad his friend was okay.

+++

After a little while, both men fell asleep, with the flashlight between them lighting up the room.

Chapter Text

CHAPTER 3

Bruce Banner was a light sleeper.

He had to be, honestly. He always had to be aware of his surroundings so he doesn't turn into the hulk from something stupid.

So when Tony’s breathing goes from soft and even to hard and fast, he notices.

“Tony?” Bruce said groggily. “R’you okay?” Still half asleep, he turned towards his friend,  who looked the same as when he went to bed, except for his chest was now rising and falling quickly. Suddenly, Tony’s hand flew towards his arc reactor, clutching, seemingly trying to protect it. Bruce shook Tony’s good arm, trying to wake him.

“Please-” Tony muttered, sounding distressed. Bruce faltered. Tony was stuck in a nightmare. Why couldn't he wake up?

“Tony, wake up, it's just a dream,” Bruce said carefully. He didn't know what to do, and he started to panic.

Tony started gasping for air, then coughing. Bruce froze. “What is going on? ” He thought.

Bruce grabbed his friend by the shoulders and shook him. He didn't know what else to do. When Tony didn't respond, Bruce knew he needed help.

“Jarvis?” He tried, but the power was still out. Bruce cursed loudly.

“What's going on in here?” Steve said, stumbling in.

“Tony’s having a flashback to New York. I don't know what to do!” Bruce replied frantically.

Steve seemed to snap awake at that, and made his way over to Tony. He looked at Bruce. “Let go of him,” he said. Bruce obeyed. Tony fell back and continued to shake and whisper pleas. Steve sat on the bed next to him, and then started to speak in a comforting voice that Bruce had never heard from the captain before. “Tony, you are safe, you are in your bed right now,” he whispered to Tony. Steve went to touch his arm, but pulled back when he saw Tony flinch at the contact. “You are in your Tower, and Bruce is here with you.”

Steve sat and talked softly to Tony. Suddenly, Tony’s eyes flew open, and he pushed himself into a sitting position, back slamming against the wall. Tony didn't seem to notice the pain at first, as he was focussed on slowing his breathing. He didn't even seem to notice the two men next to him.

“Tony?” Bruce asked hesitantly. Tony's head shot towards him, and he tensed. He relaxed when he saw it was Bruce.

“Yes sweetie?” Tony attempted to joke.

“Are you seriously making jokes right now?” Bruce asked.

“Yes,” Tony said.

“Tony, I was worried about you!” Bruce said. “You were obviously having a really bad nightmare, and I had no idea what to do!  Thank God Steve was here,  or-”

“Steve?” Tony asked worried, just noticing the other man.

“Hi,” Steve said.

Tony seemed to deflate. “I'm sorry to wake both of you,” Tony said, looking for his flashlight, which had fallen on the ground.

“It was no problem,” Steve said. Bruce, almost at the same time, said “Don't be sorry.”

Tony looked confused. “‘Don't be sorry?’ ‘It was no problem?’ No, I should be and it was. I can't just worry you guys like that. It was my fault. Bruce, I understand you probably want to go to your own room now,” Tony said.

“I'm not leaving you like this! No, I'm staying, and you are going to tell me how to help you with your nightmares,” Bruce answered.

“May I ask you something first Tony?” Steve asked. Tony nodded. “Why didn't you tell anyone before?”

Tony sucked in a breath. “I didn't want to burden any of you with it, I can usually wake myself. It was worse tonight because of the incident that happened before.”

“It wouldn't be a burden to help you,” Bruce said sadly. “So now, you're going to tell me how to.”

“And me too, because you need a backup for the future,” Steve added.

“No.” Tony said with an air of finality. “My problems are my own. I don't need you two to baby sit me all the fucking time, and I don't need all the pity that you're already giving me.”

“It's not pity Tony, it's concern. We're worried about you!” Bruce said. Steve stayed silent, watching the other two argue.

“I don’t need your concern either. I'm fine.” Tony crossed his arms, his breathing was finally under control.

“I don't care what you want, because you do need someone to have concern for you. So deal with it, and tell me how to help you, or I will have Jarvis tell me.” Bruce said, looking Tony in the eye.

“Jarvis won’t tell you anything, I’ve programmed him not to,” Tony said.

“Dammit Tony, why do you always ha-” Bruce started before Steve cut him off.

“You know Stark, you’re not the only one who’s had nightmares.” He paused before continuing. “After I was taken out of the ice, I was terrified. Every night I would wake up from thoughts of being trapped, and of how I was supposed to be dead. I shouldn’t have dealt with it alone, and neither should you.”

“Thanks for the sob story Cap, but I want both of you to go away,” Tony said. In reality, Tony was touched the story was shared with him, and he had an idea if his protests didn't work.

“No,” said Bruce. “And if you don’t tell me how to help you right now I will go get Clint and Natasha here.”

“How about this: Steve tells us how to help him, and then I’ll tell you how to deal with me,” Tony said, looking at both men.

Steve noticed Tony said “help” Steve and “deal with” Tony. Steve didn't know what to do with this information. “Deal,” he said.

Tony looked shocked, like he hadn't expected that to work. Well, Steve knew he needed help, and he figured that helping Tony at the same time was a good way to get it.

“When I'm having a nightmare, first you should figure out what it's about. It's almost always about when I'm being frozen and stuck in the ice. You can tell I'm dreaming this usually if I'm shivering. To help with it, either wake me up gently by soft words and touch, and warming me up once I'm awake, because I'll still feel the cold.

One nightmare I've had a lot too is how I'm so out of place. It'll sneak up on me after a day where I'm overwhelmed by new things. Usually I'm dreaming that the destruction of myself or those I care about is something I could've prevented if I knew more about the world around me. You can tell I'm having this dream usually if I'm crying. This one doesn't happen as often. Just wake me up and explain to me what I was confused about, or tell me how I could stop what I saw,” Steve paused. “I think that's it.”

Tony was shocked by the calm executed by the captain as he explained. “ He's captain America for god’s sake,” Tony thought. “He's always calm.”

“But, as I said before, I've mostly dealt with it,” Steve said. “Now, Tony, it's your turn. Take your time, there's no rush.” Steve's voice was gentle. Reassuring. Tony hated it. He hated how they talked to him like he was made of glass.

“Um.. Okay,” Tony could barely think about talking about his nightmares. ‘ This will be difficult.’ He thought.

“My nightmares are about the battle of New York, the part where I fly the missile into the wormhole,” Tony said in a slightly shaky voice. He didn't look to see the others reactions. “It starts where I grab it, and fly it up. I let it go, and then I drift. I'm surrounded by complete darkness, and I can't see anything. My suit powers off, so I don't even have Jarvis. I'm alone.” Tony takes a deep breath. “Space is cold. There's nothing there to keep me warm, and the cold gets through my armor as if there's nothing protecting me. The little air in the oxygen tanks I have is sharp when it enters my lungs, and it hurts to breathe. It's better than not breathing at all.

Which is what happens next.

I run out of oxygen quickly; I never expected I'd travel to space. My suit is only equipped for easier breathing while flying, not sustaining me completely. So I can't breathe at all. So it's just me, drifting, unable to move, to breathe or think and it hurts and I'm alone-” Tony cuts off. This is more than he wanted to say. He doesn't even notice the tears streaming down his face. All he can think about is the cold freezing his lungs and joints, making it impossible to move , and the suffocating darkness, and the feeling of being completely alone - Tony stops thinking. He just talks.

“Sometimes I regret going up there, fucking myself up so royally.” A little voice. In the back of his head told him to shut up, but Tony ignore it. “But then I think of all the people I saved, and I know I did the right thing, I know I'd do it again. But at the same time,” Tony is afraid to look at his friends, who probably hate him right now. “At the same time I wonder why. Not why I'd do it, I know that answer. I wonder why this is what I get for saving people. I saved a city and all I get is these memories. I know I've fucked up so much in my life-” Tony's thoughts drifted to the weapons he made, all the people he's hurt. “Christ, I probably deserve all of this. I just want to know how I can ever make up for everything so that it can stop. I just want it to stop…” Tony stopped talking. He had more to say, but he couldn't, not in front of the amazing Captain America and Bruce Banner. He remembered his dad telling him not to show weakness.

“I can't even listen to my father, the one everyone looks up to,” Tony thought.

Tony remembered the reason he talked about his nightmare now, and quickly talked about it.

“Anyway, when I'm having one of my nightmares, wake me up gently. Don't shake me around or dump water on me. Talking calmly works best,” Tony said quickly. “But sometimes, the best thing you can do is let me sleep through it, and let me take care of it.”

“Is there anything we need to do after for you?” Bruce asked, ignoring the rant Tony had. ‘ We will talk about that later. Definitely.’

“Sometimes I’ll puke after,” Tony whispered.

“Okay. Tony, when the power is back, you have to tell Jarvis to notify either Bruce or myself when you are having a nightmare,” Steve said, also choosing to ignore the rant until a later time.

Tony would not let that happen. “I’m not going to ruin your night! I’ll get better, I swear. I- I can get medication to help me sleep and-”

“Tony, it’s not your fault,” Steve said.

“Yes it fucking is! I’m just weak, and I’ve tried to keep you away from it because…” Tony paused, not wanting to finish.

“Because why?” Steve asked gently, looking at Tony sadly. ‘ How can such a great man think so little of himself.’

“Because my father told me to. If nothing else, I listened to my father speak, and I found he was right about plenty of things. One being that I can’t show any weakness. People, no matter how close they are to you, will always use it against you.” Tony laughed bitterly. “One day you will too, I know it. Yet I’m still being weak.”

“Tony, we won't betray you,” Bruce said sadly.

“That's what I thought about Stine,” Tony muttered. That broke Steve's heart.

“Tony, please,” Bruce said, his voice breaking. “Trust us.”

“I-” Tony began, but stopped when, all of a sudden, the lights flashed back on. “Oh my God! Yes!” Tony yelled. “Finally!” He was the only one not squinting in the room.

“The power’s back!” They all heard Clint yell through the house.

“I know! Isn't it great, I can see!” Tony yelled. “I can see, and it's glorious!” He had tears in his eyes. He had bared his soul to his friends, and he was drained. But now he could see, and it was like he was reenergized. “Jarvis! Are you back yet?”

“Yes sir, I am back online.  Have no way of knowing what went on while I was out, and I would like a relaying of events for the record. Can someone please fill me in?”

Steve looked up at the ceiling. “Okay J, this may take awhile.” And then Steve told Jarvis about the whole night, the parts the whole team knew, and the parts only the three in the room did.

“Also, I'd like to input a new plan,” Tony said. “When I'm having a nightmare that is particularly bad, you have my permission to notify either Steve or Bruce, and only when it is a bad one. J, you've seen them all, so I'm telling you now only to notify them of a level 6 and up. Call it code Sunflower.”

“Yes Sir,” Jarvis replied. He sounded pleased. “And how about your panic attacks sir?”

“You have panic attacks?” Bruce asked.

“You literally witnessed one earlier this night,” Tony said.

“Yes Jarvis, please notify anyone if he is having a panic attack. And I mean anyone, at any time.” Steve said.

“J, let's start with just Bruce or Steve if I'm having a panic attack. Call it code Mango,” Tony said.

“Yes sir,” Jarvis said.

Tony sighed. “Dim the lights, but don't turn them all the way off, k? I'm going to try to sleep again.”

“I'm going to go back to my room, Bruce will stay here.” Steve said. He walked out.

Tony thought about the pills he threw in his lab. He hoped with their help, he wouldn't need either code. He was ready to get better, if only to make his friend’s lives easier.

Chapter Text

The next time Tony woke up, it was slow and peaceful. He glanced over to his clock, and saw he had slept in much later than he usually did. It was twelve o’clock in the afternoon. “Jarvis, what’s my schedule for today?” Tony asked.

“You have a lunch with Miss Potts at one p.m, a charity fund raiser at four p.m, and a press conference at five thirty p.m,” Jarvis said. Tony sighed.

“Am I allowed to miss any of these things?” Tony asked, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.

“I would advise against it Sir,” said Jarvis. “Unless, of course, you told Miss Potts about last night. There is a ninety- eight percent chance she would cancel the lunch so that you may rest.”

“Nope, not gonna happen. And, even if I did tell her, there’s still that two percent chance I’d have to go anyway,” Tony said, walking to his closet and choosing a random suit. He knew he was being unreasonable, but he didn’t really care. Pepper didn’t need to know everything about his life.

After quickly getting ready, Tony looked back to his room, suddenly very aware that Bruce was in his bed. After a moment of thought, Tony wrote a quick note to Bruce and set it on the nightstand.

He ran to dismiss the driver that was waiting outside. Tony was going to drive himself.

+++

Bruce woke up quickly and immediately looked at the clock, reading twelve thirty. He sighed when he saw how late he slept in. That’s when he noticed where he was.

Tony’s room.

On Tony’s bed.

Alone. Suddenly panicked, his eyes did a quick survey of the room before landing on a piece of paper on the bedside table.

On the paper, there was a quickly scribbled note from Tony. “ Hi sweety! Thanks for sleeping with me last night. ;) I went out with Pepper, please don’t call a search party and tell them i’ve been kidnapped again. Kisses, Tony (xoxo)”

Bruce smiled. He could hear the sarcasm in Tony’s note as if the inventor were speaking to him in person. Leaving the warmth and comfort of the bed was disappointing, but necessary. Bruce was already behind in his tight schedule. Before anything else though, he needed food. And, he also knew the perfect joke to play on the other Avengers. Throwing on one of Tony’s old t shirts, Bruce went to the communal kitchen.

+++

When Bruce cheerfully walked into the kitchen, Steve knew something was up. How could he be in such a good mood after everything that happened to their friend?

“Good morning everyone!” Bruce said, seemingly pleased to see all the Avengers (excluding Thor and Tony) there.

“What’s got you in such a good mood?” Clint asked. Bruce smiled like he was pleased by the question. Steve was growing more and more suspicious. What was Bruce up to?

“Well, I’m not sure if I should tell all of you this without Tony here…” Bruce paused for dramatic effect. Steve suddenly grew anxious. Bruce wasn’t going to talk about Tony while he wasn’t here, was he?

“Tell us what, what happened?” Natasha asked, badly concealed worry in her tone.

“I guess I have to, since I already brought it up…” Bruce smiled at the three people in front of him, looking at Steve a moment longer than the others, and winking. Steve let the tension leave his body. Bruce was just having some fun, not sharing Tony’s secrets.

“Just tell us,” Steve said, ready to know what Bruce was gonna say.

“Me and Tony slept together,” Bruce blurted out at last. Steve was barely able to conceal his laughter.

“What?” Natasha asked, for once in her life struck speechless.

“Me and Stark slept together, even ask Steve,” Bruce managed to say. Inside, the captain knew the scientist was laughing.

“Steve?” Clint asked.

“It’s true… except there wasn’t much sleeping happening,” the captain said, happy he managed to look embarrassed rather than happy. He found the whole situation hilarious.

“How? Why?” Natasha asked. Steve almost blew their cover when he almost laughed at the expressions on the assassins’ faces.

“Well when we got to his room, we started to talk. Eventually, when I said I was going to sleep on the couch, Tony said he wouldn’t allow it and demanded we share the bed. I listened, and went to lay down.” Bruce looked at Steve out of the corner of his eye, to let the captain know that the rest of his story would be fake. “After a while, our conversation became a flirting session.” Bruce took a moment to take in the shocked faces and continued. “He drew me in with his charm, and maybe it was just exhaustion misleading me, but I kissed him… the rest just happened in a blur.”

By the end of the story, Steve was thanking his military training for teaching him to control his expressions, because he almost laughed when he saw the look on Clint’s face.

+++

Tony had tears in his eyes when he finished listening to his friends’ conversation, fed to him through the radio, thanks to Jarvis. He pulled into the parking lot of the small diner he liked, and went onto his phone as he waited for Pepper to arrive. He changed Bruce’s contact name to ‘Sweet Cheeks.’

“Tony?” When Stark heard his name, he looked out his window to see Pepper looking for him. Climbing out of his car, he called her over to where he was.

“How are you today, Miss Potts?” Tony asked playfully.

“I am doing well, thank you. And you, Mister Stark?” Pepper teased right back.

“Great!” Tony said, pushing back the thought of the panic attack and nightmare. He’d tell her everything once he got better.

“So what made you pick this place?” Pepper asked when they walked in, taking a booth in the corner.

“Less crowded,” Tony replied. “And they have good cheeseburgers.”

Pepper nodded, and then proceeded to jump into a discussion about Stark industries. By the time their meals arrived, they solved the problem and began to talk like the friends they were.

“So, how have you been?” Pepper asked.

Tony thought about his life at the time. “I’m fine,” he said. He didn’t know if it was the truth. ‘ You will be fine soon,’ he thought.

“Tony, what’s wrong?” She asked, noticing how Tony seemed to drift away at the question.

“Nothing, I’ve just got a lot to do,” he said. That, at least, was the truth.

“Okay,” Pepper replied, making a mental note to ask Jarvis later.

The rest of the lunch went by quickly, and by two, they were saying their goodbyes.

“I will see you later at the press conference, right?” Pepper asked.

“Yes.What is it for, if I may ask?”

“Officially, it's for the New York attack. Unofficially, it's for the media to ask you whatever you want. Remember, Fury wanted you to do it because you're the best with the them,” Pepper said, not noticing the look that passed over her friend’s face.

When Tony climbed back into his car, he already wished he had let the driver take him. His head hurt and he dreaded all of his activities he had to do today.

As soon as he got home, Tony went down to his lab until he had to get ready for the next thing on his list.

+++

Pepper got to her penthouse and went on her phone, where she got access to Jarvis. “J, how would you say Tony has been the past few days.”

“Mister Stark has been doing  significantly worse lately,” Jarvis replied.

“What happened?” Pepper asked.

“I’m sorry, I can not share that information unless you tell me the code names Mister Stark set,” Jarvis replied, sounding disapproving. ‘ So Jarvis wants to tell me, but he can’t,’  Pepper thought.

“Who knows the codes?” She asked, hoping Tony hadn’t barred Jarvis from revealing this information.

“Mister Rogers, Mister Barton, and Mister Stark know the codes and the situation that caused them to be put into place,” Jarvis asked.

“Thank you Jarvis. I will talk to Tony later at the conference about it,” Pepper said, already thinking of what she would say.

+++

When Steve saw Tony running out the door, presumably to get a ride somewhere, he called him over to talk.

“Where are you going?” Steve asked, hoping his friend wasn't doing too much after he had had so little rest lately.

“Charity fundraiser, I'm going to make an appearance and donate some money,” Tony replied.

“What’s the cause?” Steve wondered aloud.

“It helps pay children’s hospital bills when they need certain treatments that their insurance won't cover. Like, if a kid needs experimental surgery to live, and their insurance refuses to pay it, then the charity helps as much as possible, most of the time paying for it completely,” Tony answered. Steve noticed how Tony seemed very nonchalant about it, but of you asked him about it he seemed very passionate.

“Well, you seem to really care for it,” Steve said.

“I care about the charity and the fundraiser, but not so much the party or whatever I have to go to. It's just a bunch of idiots who don't even know why they're there,” Tony said.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Steve asked. “So, you know, you have a friend?”

“Sure Capsicle, but only if you want to,” Tony said casually, but the captain could see he was glad.

“Okay, do I need to dress up?” Steve asked.

“Just wear a suit and you'll be fine,” Tony said. “I’ll give you a half hour to get ready before I abandon you here.”

“Thanks,” Steve sarcastically replied, already heading towards his room.

Tony pulled out his phone, and texted his driver to be here in thirty minutes.

In about five seconds, Tony got bored. So, he pulled out his phone and texted sweet cheeks.

“I heard you tell the others about us,” Tony joked.

He soon got a reply. “J told you?”

“Of course. He played it live through my car” Tony texted.

“Not surprising. Should we continue the joke?” Bruce asked.

Tony thought about it. “Definitely. Next movie night we should totally act all lovey.”

“There's a movie night tomorrow, we should make a plan.” Bruce sent.

“I could grab your ass,” Tony joked.

“You could try”

“Is that a challenge? If so, I accept.”

Then, the Captain came out. “I'm ready when you are.” He looked nice, with his hair combed and a suit on.

Just before Tony answered, Bruce texted him.

“lol” was all it said. Tony took that as a confirmation to what he said before.

“I'm ready, let's go,” Tony told Steve, as he lead the way outside to the waiting car. They both climbed in back and made their way to the event.

+++

As soon as they parked, Tony and Steve were surrounded by cameras. Reporters were screaming their names, asking questions faster than Tony could listen, and yelling accusations rapid fire. All Tony could think about was how bad he felt for making Steve deal with this.

“Please, everyone, quiet down,” Tony yelled over everyone. He waited until the only sounds coming from the vultures around him was a low murmur. “I will not answer any questions or acknowledge any statements made unless they are directly related to the charity. If you want to ask me anything else, you are welcome to attend my press conference tonight. Now, please move so my friend and I can attend the fundraiser, or have you all forgotten that we are here to support others, and not ourselves?” Tony only stopped when Steve put his hand on his arm, as a warning that he was getting out of hand.

Steve smiled to the crowd as he dragged Tony inside. “You okay?” He asked once they were out of earshot of the reporters.

“I'm fine. We can only stay until five because I have to leave for the press conference. You can stay here when I go though.” Tony said.

“Do you want me to go?” Steve asked concerned. He wanted to make sure his teammate had the support he would need. “If they ask about New York, are you going to be okay?”

Tony flinched and worry filled his eyes for a split second. He quickly schooled his features before Steve even knew he was upset. “Of course I'll be fine, I'm not going to have a meltdown on live TV. So no, I don't need you to go. You should stay home and bond with the others, I don't plan on dragging it out.”

“Okay,” Steve replied, shoving away the dread building inside of him. If Tony wanted to do this alone, the Captain would let him.

+++

The two spent the next hour talking and drinking. It was fun.

But good things never last.

In seemingly no time at all, it was time for Tony to go to the press conference.

Chapter Text

“Tony, are you sure you don’t want me to go with you? I really don’t mind,” Steve said, following his friend outside to the car.

“I’m sure,” Tony replied, getting in the car. “Are you going back to the tower?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Steve said.

“There’ll be a car here to pick you up in ten minutes,” Tony said, pulling out his phone.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome Capsicle.”

The car pulled out, and Tony let his mask fell once the searching eyes of Captain America were nowhere to be found.

To say that Tony Stark wasn’t a fan of appearing before the media was an understatement. Sometimes, he would prefer to risk his life in battle than allow himself to be left to their nonexistent mercy. He hated how they always seemed to know everything about his mistakes, but nothing about the good things he had done. The unforgiving camera flashes from the paparazzi and the merciless scolding from the reporters always set him on edge, even when he wasn’t still filled with anxiety about the thing they wanted to talk about.

The New York incident.

He couldn’t even walk down the street anymore without one of the vultures finding him and pounding him with questions and accusations.

Tony sighed and placed his head in his hands. His breathing shook for only a second before he quickly shoved his feelings aside and pulled on the mask that seemed to be constantly needed. Tony refused to think about what he was going to face for the rest of the time in the car.

+++

“Tony, is it true that-”

“In the battle-”

“Do you approve of the statement-”

“Is Stark Industries-”

Tony tuned out the dozens of voices assaulting his ears all at once and ignored the headache already forming. Even though he would rather be anywhere else but here, Tony smiled as he got out of his car and never let his mask slip.

“Merchant of death-”

“Iron Man-”

“Mr. Stark-”

He heard all of his names being called and he ignored them. They’d all have their chance to berate him once he was inside.

When he finally walked through the doors, he immediately began searching for Pepper by the podium. When he spotted her, he made a small wave and walked over, expertly hiding his relief to see a familiar face that wasn’t only there to make him feel like human trash.

“Hello Ms. Potts, nice to see you,” Tony muttered when they were close enough to talk without being overheard.

“It’s nice to see you appear at one of your own conferences for once,” Pepper joked.

“I thought I should do something other than disappoint you for once,” he replied.

“Tony you don’t-” She tried to reassure him, but he was already walking away towards the podium. ‘I’ll talk to him later,’ she thought, upset that Tony thought he was disappointing her. Well, he did disappoint her sometimes, but he didn’t always. Pepper understood that he was very busy with the Avengers, and his job with Shield making tech. Sometimes he couldn’t make a conference or meeting, and that was fine. She hoped he didn’t think she thought so low of him as he just suggested.

“Hello! In case you didn’t know, I’m Tony Stark! If you were surprised to hear that, you should probably leave now.” Tony paused to let the crowd’s laughter die down. “I understand that some of you have something to say, so I’m going to shut my mouth for a minute and allow someone to ask a question.” Hands flew up immediately, and Tony scanned the sea of faces before him. “You, blondie in the back row,” he said, pointing to a tall woman wearing a blue dress in the back row.

Standing up, she wasted no time to get straight to the point. “Hello,” Tony zoned out as she introduces herself and the company she worked for because he really didn’t care. “I wanted to ask you if you knew how the portal was closed.”

“Good question! So, my friend the Black Widow hacked into the computer system that generated the thing, and was able to shut it down,” Tony answered, easily passing along the lie that he was told to pass on to the public. They were not allowed to know Loki even existed.

“Thank you,” the blonde said, sitting back down. Tony smiled, glad that they were going easy on him.

“Next question! Yes, you in the black suit,” Tony plowed on, pointing to a middle-aged man in the front.

The man introduced himself and then asked a question. “Knowing your reputation as a man who rarely shows responsibility, why should the public trust the Avengers to take their job keeping us safe seriously?”

Tony felt that one like a punch in the gut. Of course, he didn’t show that on his face as he smiled through the pain and tried to answer with dignity. “I promise you, I take my place on the Avengers very seriously, and I rate it above anything else I do. There is nothing I value more than keeping the world a safer place.”

The reporter was scribbling on a notepad as he sat down. ‘Probably finding a way to turn that against me,’ Tony thought.

“Who’s next? Um, how about… YOU! In the third row, with the blindingly bright dress!” Tony said, seemingly unfazed by the previous question.

The girl who he had referenced stood up blushing profusely in her neon yellow dress. She said her name and magazine, and Tony sighed inwardly. He hated magazines, they were the best at twisting his words to make him look bad. He cringed just thinking of the headlines. “My question is about the missile that was heading for the city. Where did it come from?”

Tony closed his eyes for a moment, trying to remember the story SHIELD told him. His thoughts were flying through his head, mixing around and only making the headache worse. Giving up trying to figure out the original story, he made up his own. “I’m sorry, I have no idea where the missile came from, but there are currently people working tirelessly to figure it out.”

The room was suddenly filled with sound as everyone tried to figure out what the vague message meant. Tony let them speculate for a minute before he tapped on the mic, signaling to the room that he was ready to continue. When hands went up, Tony briefly thought of a classroom. Everyone squirming to answer the tricky question. This time he called on someone randomly, pointing in a general direction.

A man in a grey suit stood up and didn’t bother to say anything to introduce himself, he was so eager to ask his question. “Based on footage taken during the attack, we’ve all seen that you flew into the void in the sky with the missile. My question is this: What was it like?”

Tony Stark was speechless. The crowd waited silently as they waited for a response but soon grew anxious when Tony stayed silent. “Next question,” Tony said.

There was a wave of raised voices and exclamations. One glare from the usually cheery billionaire shut them up. Tony motioned silently for a woman in a pantsuit to speak, who immediately asked what they all wanted to know. “Why didn’t you answer the last question?”

“Because I didn’t want to,” Tony replied. “Next question.”

Another woman stood up and continued to pry for information on a subject Tony clearly didn’t want to speak on. “Mr. Stark, why do you continue to avoid the subject of the portal?”

“I just told you, I don’t want to talk about it. And. seeing as this is my conference, I am allowed to not answer questions.” Tony angrily answered. “Who’s next?” Tony’s mood changed back to his usual cheeriness so quickly everyone, including Pepper, thought they had imagined the hostility.

The conference continued, everyone cautiously avoiding talk of the portal. Tony thought everything was fine.

Of course, that was until one reporter decided not to leave well enough alone.

He was young, no more than twenty- five. Tony would always remember him.

“Excuse me, but I was just hoping you could describe what space was like…” He trailed off. Tony was silent, staring at him. Suddenly, an anger Pepper had never seen before flashed in Tony’s eyes.

“Do you really want to know? Well fine, here it is. Everyone get your fucking cameras, record this or whatever, you obviously all want to know! Here it is: The official story of Stark in Space!” Pepper did nothing but watch Tony fall apart, the wall he so carefully built crumbling down before her eyes. “Well, as you all know, there was an unidentified explosive flying towards New York. It could have leveled the whole city. So, I grabbed it against all of my instincts and flew into space with it. I tried to call my friend, but they didn’t pick up. After that, as I threw the bomb, I lost all communication with Earth, and I even lost my AI as the suit powered down.

“It was extremely cold, the vacuum sucking out all warmth from the air, leaving the unforgiving cold to cover my suit, creeping in, freezing me. The little air I got left from my weak oxygen tanks was sharp in my lungs.” Tony didn’t look angry anymore, he looked lost. “The painful air was better than the nothing that I got after that. When my oxygen tanks finally failed, I was gasping at nothing.” Pepper didn’t realize the tears falling down her face. “It was dark, so I didn’t realize the dots in my vision, showing how close I was to death.” Tony wanted to stop talking, wanted to shut up before he said too much, but he couldn’t. He kept going because it was the only thing keeping him from being swallowed whole by the memory. “Honestly, it felt like the darkness was suffocating me just as much as the lack of air. And the silence… the silence was deafening.

“I was dying. I knew it, but it didn’t seem upsetting. Really, it seemed welcoming. I wanted that level of peace, I wanted to escape. When I finally did die, it was like slowly falling asleep…” Tony seemed completely lost in himself, and the press just watched, open mouthed. “When I fell to Earth, I was brought back from a mix of shock, and the force of the Hulk catching me thrusting air back into my lungs forcefully.” Even though he’s never admitted it to himself before, Tony knew what he said next was completely true. “Sometimes I wish I had stayed dead. I feel like you can’t just leave the world like that and just come back. I don’t really belong here anymore.

“No matter how hard I try, I’ll never truly fit back in. I don’t belong in this world anymore. I constantly feel the urge to leave again, to get away fro here again. I want to feel the peace I did before.” Tony just realized what he had done as he finished his confession. Before the people around him had a chance to recover he sprinted away from the room, not caring about Pepper, who was shouting behind him. He didn’t care about the news’s cameras following him as he left.

He jumped into the car that was waiting for him outside. “Drive,” was all he said. The driver complied and hit the gas, quickly leaving the place in the rearview mirror. Tony let himself fall apart completely and cried all the way back to the tower.

+++

When Steve walked into the tower, his only thought was the training room that took up a whole floor on the tower. He was worried about Tony, and couldn’t shake a bad feeling as he destroyed a few punching bags. He glanced at his clock. He had only been upstairs for ten minutes, and he had destroyed four punching bags.

Sighing, the Captain decided to go get some food to comfort himself with. He knew stress eating was bad, but he couldn’t force himself to care right now. He didn’t know why, but he felt guilt clawing at his heart, ripping his insides to shreds.

When he reached the communal floor, he walked towards the kitchen but stopped when he saw the TV was playing on a News station. When Steve saw it was Tony’s press conference, he decided to watch it, to ease his guilt for not going. Just as he sat down, a young man stood up. Steve froze in terror when he asked his question.

Things only went downhill from there. Tony had pure loathing for the people in the room in his eyes, sharing the space with an anger so strong Steve could feel it through the screen.

Steve watched as Tony’s anger faded into something so tired and sad that it broke Steve’s heart to the point of tears, shattering his usual resolve.

When Tony talked about his death, Steve was shocked to the point of speechlessness.

At the end of the speech, Tony ran from the room. Steve told Jarvis to get the team in the living room immediately.

“What’s going on? Cap, is everything okay?” Clint asked as soon as he, Bruce and Natasha were all in the room.

“Sit,” the captain said, motioning for the team to take seats on the couch. When they did, he told Jarvis to replay the news from where he walked in.

By the time they were finished watching, the team was all reacting in their own ways.

Bruce was clenching his fists, green shining in his eyes behind a wall of unshed tears.

Clint was crying silently, staring blankly at the screen, as if he didn’t believe what he just heard, couldn’t understand.

Natasha’s face was blank, and she looked as if she had just shut down.

Bruce was the first person to speak, having recovered first. “Jarvis, play the footage from Tony’s room last night on the TV,” he ordered the AI, remembering some things Tony had said. Luckily, Tony hadn’t blocked access to it yet.

Bruce fast forwarded until he got to the part that he wanted. “Watch this.” Steve immediately recognized the scene, with Tony sitting with Steve and Bruce. Tony began to talk.

“Sometimes I regret going up there, fucking myself up so royally, but then I think of all the people I saved, and I know I did the right thing, I know I'd do it again. But at the same time,” Tony paused. “At the same time I wonder why. Not why I'd do it, I know that answer. I wonder why this is what I get for saving people. I saved a city and all I get is these memories. I know I've fucked up so much in my life- Christ, I probably deserve all of this. I just want to know how I can ever make up for everything so that it can stop. I just want it to stop…”

“Obviously Tony is going through a really hard time right now, and we all need to help him,” Bruce said.

“Oh my god,” Natasha said. Everyone was shocked to see her usual wall fall away, and a single tear fell down her face.

Suddenly, Jarvis’s voice filled the room. “Sir’s car is outside, but he is not leaving it.”

Clint jumped up immediately, shooting the rest of the room a hard look. “Let me take care of this,” he said. Bruce opened his mouth to protest but stopped when Clint gave him a pleading look. “Please.”

Nobody made a move to get up. Clint went to the elevator and went downstairs.

He walked out the glass front doors towards the car outside alone.

Chapter Text

When Clint opened the car door, he almost started crying again from what he saw. It was just like movie night, with Tony on the floor, seemingly not aware of anything. Shakily climbing into the car, Clint tried to remember what to do. After a while of him struggling to catch and hold a thought through his panicked mind, Clint gave up and just grabbed his friend and pulled him close. Clint began to whisper comforts and encouragements to his friend, while even rocking back and forth a bit.

After about ten minutes, Tony began to calm down. When he finally realized what had happened, he immediately tried to get away from Clint, but the car was too small. “Tony, please calm down,” Clint quietly said to his friend. When Tony tried to pull away a second time, Clint dragged him up onto the seat. “Come on Tone, I want to talk to you before we head back inside.”

Tony’s body was weak, so he stopped fighting and decided to listen to his friend. “Okay Legolas, talk.”

“We all saw the press conference from where the kid stood up to the end. Also, Jarvis played some of the surveillance from last night, where you said some pretty messed up shit,” Clint began. Tony knew it was only one small part of a much longer speech.

“I always say messed up shit. It’s who I am. No reason to get all deep and meaningful on me,” Tony said, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Could you please not make any jokes right now? God Tony, we’re all worried about you, and you just pretend nothing is going on-”

“Because nothing is going on! I’m fine, and I want to go inside because I’m tired.”

“You’re tired because you just had a panic attack on the floor of your car, and all you did was talk about the portal. Also, we both know you aren’t going to sleep when you get inside,” Clint said.

“Aw, you’re making me feel predictable. If you must know, when I get upstairs I plan on drinking copious amounts of alcohol,” Tony answered matter of factly.

“No, when you get inside you are talking to your team. We all just want to help you Tony, please just let us.”

“Sorry Merida, I do not want or need your help. I’m sorry for worrying you all, but it was never my intention. Why do you think I never told you? Because all it will do is bring more stress into your lives, and you don’t need that. I am just making your lives harder, and I plan on getting better so I can stop.”

“Tony, you don’t need to go through this alone, we don’t mind helping you!” Clint said. Tony wasn’t listening, he was already leaving the car, heading towards the tower.

+++

When Jarvis alerted the team that Tony had entered the building, they were all relieved. That is, until he didn’t walk into the room after twenty minutes. “Where is he?” Asked Natasha.

“Mr. Stark is currently in his workshop. He has it on complete lockdown, nobody else can get in,” Jarvis answered, his voice disapproving.

“But if something happens, you can alert us, right?” Steve asked.

“No, Mr. Stark has enabled code yellow, which means no matter what, I can not allow anyone into the workshop for any reason. The code expires in two days, and can not be reinstated until another two days have passed,” Jarvis explained.

“So we have to wait two days to see if he’s okay? No way! Did you hear what he said at the press conference? He’s practically suicidal, and he doesn’t have some rage monster keeping him alive! He needs us!” Bruce yelled, with a surprisingly pale complexion. The Hulk seemed to like Tony, and when it came to him, usually did what was best for him. Right now, he knew that they needed Doctor Banner.

“Is there any way to get to him? What if we shut off the power? Would we be able to break in then?” Natasha asked, her mind already thinking up plans, and trashing them when they ended in failure.

“No, he has manual and mechanic locks on. If you turned off the power, there would still be the usual locks on the door,” Jarvis replied.

“Are there any keys?” Clint asked, walking into the room.

“Yes, in the workshop with Mr. Stark.” Jarvis sounded sad.

“We can't just leave him in there!” Steve said.

“I don't think we have a choice,” Natasha stated gravely.

+++

Over the next two days, each Avenger reacted to the situation in their own ways.

Steve, always the mother hen, had tried to go down to the lab. He knocked on the door and pleaded at Tony to let him in, to at least tell him that he was okay. He never got an answer. On the first night, he left a plate of food outside the door, and he tried again to get a reaction from Tony. When he didn't, Steve left, resolving to come back tomorrow.

The next morning the plate was untouched. Steve tried one more time to speak to Tony. When he got no answer, he went to the training room upstairs, where he ran into Natasha. She was staring at the wall blankly, but Steve saw the underlying emotion. The usually cold assassin had finally broken down.

Steve sat down next to her, not speaking or touching her. He knew that his company was comfort enough.

As he sat with her, he saw the results of her breakdown on the wall. It was covered in knives, most hilt deep, but he saw that some looked like they were thrown half-heartedly. ‘It's beautiful, in a way’ the captain thought.

The destruction was like art, the wall a canvas. It told a story of heartbreak and uncertainty, and Steve spent hours just looking at it, analyzing it. Eventually, he fell asleep.

Natasha didn't even notice.

---

Natasha didn't know how to deal with it, she had never had to handle this type of worry or grief before. The only other person she's ever felt like this for before was Clint, but he wasn't wishing death. Clint was fighting for his life. Everyone pretty much left her alone while she tore the training room apart, throwing knives were stuck in the wall, and there were things that she broke just from hitting it hard enough. That was only the first day.

On the second day, Natasha was tired. She wasn't used to all of the emotions that she was feeling, and it all caught up with her all at once. She crumbled under the pressure of it, letting it all crash over her in a wave. When the first tear slipped, Natasha realized that the people we're wrong.

She did have a heart.

When Steve found her, she was just sitting on the floor, staring at a wall impaled with knives. He sat down with her, and they just stayed silent, comforting each other with their presence.

-------

Clint had gone down to the shooting range that Tony had built in the tower just for him. ‘That bastard is too considerate’ he thought. Clint was more emotional than Natasha, and he was hit pretty hard by what Tony said. He also had a hard time with the battle. Loki had taken over his mind, and he knew how Tony felt; like the world was moving on and he couldn't understand how. As if he didn't belong here anymore. Like Tony said, after something like that, you don't just bounce back.

Knowing Tony felt that way was like a slow torture. Clint couldn't stop blaming himself for not noticing his friend was suffering so much. Because of course, Clint was struggling, but Natasha had noticed and been there for him. He had someone to help him. Tony hadn't gone to anyone, and nobody had noticed. He was alone.

Clint shot an arrow at a target on the wall and cursed as it hit a foot away. His vision was blurring, and he angrily wiped his eyes. ‘And I’ve had training’ he thought. He had been trained by SHIELD to deal with this kind of grief.

On the second day, he didn't even bother with a bow and he used guns. The familiar feel of it helped to steady his shaking hands. With one more quick swipe at his eyes, he began to shoot at the body shaped targets. He imagined Loki’s stupid smirk, his ridiculous outfits on each one.

He hit the targets every time.

-------

Bruce sat on his floor the whole time. He never left it.

At first, he meditated. At least, he tried, but he couldn’t clear his mind. All he could think about were all of the signs he had missed. All of the signs that showed his friend was suffering.

Of course, there was the fact that Tony would leave the room or change the subject any time the battle was brought up. He assumed that Tony was just bored of it, but he was wrong. Suddenly, he remembered a conversation Bruce had had with Fury.

(Flashback)

It was just after the meeting Fury had called to go over the battle strategy from New York, and Stark had never made an appearance. Steve left mumbling about how immature Stark was, Natasha and Clint didn't care. Bruce stayed behind to talk to Fury.

“Hey Nick, do you know why Tony didn't come?” Bruce asked.

“Because he's Tony Stark, and today he didn't think we were worthy of his presence,” Fury replied.

“I don't think so. Usually, he complains, but he always comes to the meetings. He’s never missed one before.”

“Well, what more can we expect? We all knew who he was when we brought him on the Avengers, now we must deal with the consequences.”

Bruce frowned. He didn't think so. “But I think it's something with a deeper meaning,” he said.

Fury laughed. “Trust me, Stark is anything but ‘deep.’ He's the most shallow person I've ever met.”

Bruce left without another word.

(End of flashback)

He grimaced at the memory. He would speak to Fury again.

Bruce blamed himself for not knowing his friend was hurt. Of course he would feel out of place after something like that! Bruce spent the entire two days remembering all the times Tony showed he was hurt, and all the ways he could have helped if he had only noticed.

---

Tony’s two days were hell.

As soon as he stumbled into his workshop, he looked for the whiskey stash he had hidden in there. When he found it, he needed Dummy to open a bottle for him because his hands were shaking so much. He took a long sip and let himself cry.

One bottle later, Tony had an idea.

He wasn't thinking clearly as he desperately tried to find the sleeping pills he had thoughtlessly thrown away.

He only wanted to sleep. He wasn't even thinking of the nightmares…

When he finally found it, he couldn't read the dosage because he was drunk and crying, his vision was blurred.

So he just took a handful.

The mix of drugs, alcohol, and just pure exhaustion finally lulled him to sleep. It was peaceful for at least a few seconds.

Then he was thrown into his nightmare, full force.

After having told the story of it earlier that day, it was all more vivid than ever. It felt so real, that Tony didn't even try to wake up because he thought it was actually happening.

He relived every panic-stricken moment, every strangled scream, and every hard-earned breath over and over again.

It was a never ending loop of hell.

That's how Tony spent his first day.

On the second day, Tony woke up. As soon as his eyes opened, he vomited.

Having alcohol before he slept was not his best idea. He stumbled to the bathroom. His body was weak after the nightmare and from his lack of food or water. He splashed water on his face and fought back the nausea he felt when he stood up for too long.

Deciding he couldn't deal with sobriety right now, he grabbed another whiskey. He poured it into a glass this time, and picked it up with shaking hands. Before he took a sip, he stared at the amber liquid and thought of what he was doing.

Was it really smart to drink when he was in this condition? He was in a workshop surrounded by dangerous objects. He knew from past experiences that he could be stupid when he drank a certain amount. He got careless and giggly and weird.

Maybe he needed a little careless, giggly, and weird.

He opened the bottle.

Five glasses later, Stark forgot all of his problems.

“Jarvis! Pull up my unfinished projects list!” Tony said, thinking that working was a very good idea. It's been awhile since he worked.

“Sir, I would advise against-” Jarvis started but Tony cut him off.

“The list, please!”

Suddenly, a hologram showing all of his unfinished projects appeared before Tony, and he decided he didn't want to make anything on it.

“Close the list, J,” Tony said, brainstorming a new thing to build.

“Yes, thank you sir,” Jarvis replied. The hologram flickered away. “Would you mind eating anything?”

Tony frowned at the thought of food, and his stomach clenched. He pushed down his hunger. He didn't deserve to eat.

Tony took a long sip of his whiskey. “No thanks, not hungry.”

Suddenly having an idea, Tony began to make plans for a new machine.

He worked for a few hours before he passed out drunk again, a victim to his nightmares again.

+++

It was the third day, and the Bruce, Clint, Steve, and Natasha were all standing outside the door of the workshop. They couldn't see in, and the silence was a bit unsettling.

“Should we knock?” Natasha asked.

“Yeah,” said Bruce, stepping forward. He lightly tapped the door and sighed in relief when a hoarse voice replied.

“What do you want? Go away,” Tony said through the door. The team flinched when they heard a sound like water hitting the floor, and a series of coughs afterward.

“Tony, are you okay?” Steve asked, concerned.

“Yes, I'm fine,” Tony answered. His voice was weak. They heard the sound again. “Go away!”

“No! Damn it, Tony, let us in!” Clint said, pounding on the door.

“Trust me, you don't wanna be in here. I'm a mess, it's a mess. Everything is very messy,” Tony sighed. “I need another drink.”

“Have you seriously been drinking?” Natasha asked.

“Yes…” Tony sounded uncertain. “It lifted my spirits, and it helped me sleep.”

“But you shouldn’t drink when you get like this, especially not in your workshop,” Bruce said.

“I can do whatever I want,” Tony said. “I'm an adult, I make my decisions. You don't have to clean up my messes, I'll do it myself.”

“Yes, but it's easier with help,” Steve said.

“Please, just let us in,” Clint asked.

There was a long moment of silence before Tony answered.

“One person,” he said.

The team all looked at each other. After discussing it for a little bit, they decided on who was going to go in.

Chapter Text

“I should be the one to go in, I’m the captain of this team. It's my job to take care of everyone, including Tony,” Steve said.

“This isn't a team matter, this only has to do with how our friend is feeling. We have to be careful with how we approach this situation. He obviously thinks that he is a burden on the team, so we need someone who can go in there and act unaffected by it,” Natasha argued. “I'd be best at hiding how I feel.”

“I think that that is the exact opposite of what he needs. He needs someone to go in there and show that they care. And he needs someone he is close to. I'm sorry, but that is more me than either of you. Captain, you insulted him the first time you met him, and Natasha recommended he not even be on the team. I should do it,” Clint said. “Also, I was also hit pretty hard with the battle, I can relate.”

“I'm doing it,” Bruce said sternly.

“Why? What makes you more qualified than the rest of us?” Steve asked angrily.

“I've been in this situation before. He is suffering from PTSD and depression. I can't help him with the PTSD very much, but I am very equipped to help his depression,” Bruce said.

“We all know to watch him and stuff, we can all help with depression,” Steve said.

“That's not all it is Cap,” Natasha said sadly.

“But Bruce is right, right now I think he needs someone who can pick him up while he's down,” said Clint. “Are you sure you can help?”

“I'm sure that I'll try my best,” Bruce replied.
Everyone agreed that Bruce would go in.

+++

Jarvis opened up the door, and Banner slipped inside the workshop. He shut the door behind him.

The first thing Bruce noticed about the room was the smell. It was disgusting. He quickly found the source, which was a puddle of vomit on the floor, with Tony beside it.

“Are you okay?” Bruce asked, quickly heading towards Tony.

Tony just laughed. Bruce knew why.

Stark’s face was shining with sweat. His hair was wild, and he was covered in grease. His arms were covered in bruises and small scratches. His whole body was shaking.

“What happened to your arms?” Bruce asked, fearing the worse.

“I tried to build while drunk last night,” Tony said cheerfully. “I think it came out pretty well.” He pointed to a work table behind him with his thumb.

“Is that… A toaster with wings?” Bruce asked, both amazed and confused.

“Yes. He is a very smart toaster by the way, and his name is Tanner,” Tony said proudly.
“Okay…” Bruce said. Suddenly, he got serious. “Talk to me, Tony. What happened?”

“I freaked out a bit at a press conference, it's no big deal,” Tony said.

“You know that I don't believe that,” Bruce said. “And neither do you.”

“What? Nah, I'm fine. Just a little sick is all,” Tony said nonchalantly.

“Well, let's get you cleaned up,” Bruce said. He helped Tony up, and supported him to the bathroom, even though the billionaire protested the whole way.

When they got to the bathroom, Bruce grabbed a wet cloth and handed it to Tony, who began wiping off his face.

“So, are we going to do the whole ‘you can always talk to me’ thing where I pour my heart out and we have some big touching moment?” Tony asked bitterly. “Because if so, I really am going to need another drink.”

“We won’t unless you want to. Except for the part where I tell you that you can always talk to me,” Bruce said. “Because that is extremely important information.”

“Whatever,” Tony muttered, standing up shakily. “Go away, I’m gonna shower.”

“I’m going to go get you some food. I’ll wait in the workshop when I’m done.” Bruce walked out of the bathroom and left the workshop.

“How did it go?” Clint asked, worried.

“It went fine. He definitely spent the two days drunk, and he probably doesn’t remember much. He hasn’t eaten at all, so I’m going to get him some food,” Bruce said, walking towards the elevator.

“I’ll come,” the others said.

The team crammed into the elevator and rode upstairs. Bruce made a sandwich for himself and Tony and grabbed two water bottles, instructing the others to stay upstairs and do something productive.

“Come on guys, I’ve got this. Don’t spend all day worrying.” Bruce left for the elevator.

When he tried to open the doors, Jarvis spoke. “Elevator use has been cut off for the time being.”

“Dammit Tony,” Bruce muttered. “J, can I still use the stairs?”

“Of course Mr. Banner,” the AI replied.

Bruce sighed and headed down the stairs.

+++

When Bruce got downstairs, he immediately knew something was off when he didn’t hear the sound of the shower running. He set down the sandwiches and walked over to the bathroom door. “Jarvis? Why are the elevators down?”

“Mr. Stark had requested it,” Jarvis replied.

“Why?” Bruce asked carefully. He knocked on the bathroom door.

“I do not know for sure, but I think it may be because he didn’t want anyone to see him right now,” Jarvis said. “I do not understand how he thought this was a good idea.”

“Why is he hiding?” Bruce asked, worried.

“He punched a mirror and it broke,” Jarvis answered disapprovingly.

“Can you assess his injuries?” Bruce asked, knocking on the door again when there was no answer.

“He has scratches all along his left knuckle, which is less of a problem because his previous injuries have healed completely. The glass that fell on the floor cut his feet.” Jarvis paused. “And now he has just sunk to his knees. His legs and palms are now cut.”

“How do I get in?” Bruce asked. Before Jarvis could answer, Tony spoke up.

“No need; my secret’s out, I might as well open the door,” he said.

When the door finally did open, Bruce wanted to slap his friend for being so stupid. His suit was thrown on the floor, forgotten. Tony was standing in the bathroom in only his boxers, looking lost. His face was pink and blotchy, and he had half dried tears on his face. His hands were covered in blood, and there was glass stuck in them. His legs from the knees down were the same. “I-”

“Just stop. Please,” Bruce said sternly.

“I just-”

“Stop.”

Tony shut his mouth and looked down. “I’m just going to clean you up, okay,” Bruce said. “And you’re going to explain to me what happened.”

Tony nodded. Bruce instructed Tony to sit down on the toilet, and Tony complied.

While Bruce cleaned the blood, he calmed down to the point where he was ready to hear the story.

“What happened Tony?”

“I was looking in the mirror, and I got… frustrated, I guess the word is. I was upset that I was so weak. I was overtaken by a sudden rage, and I punched myself in the face. Then I had a minor breakdown, and fell in the glass like an idiot,” Tony said blandly, completely without emotion.

“It’s okay to be weak sometimes,” Bruce said sadly.

“Not for a Stark,” Tony said automatically. “Starks are made of iron.”

“Your suit is iron, not you. You’re a human being, you have feelings,” Bruce replied.

“The suit isn’t made of iron,” Tony answered.

“You know what I meant,” Bruce said.

“Sure. You know, the suit is what makes me a hero,” Tony said dully.

“No, that isn’t true. You are so much more than the suit!”

“No, I’m not!” Tony finally exploded. Standing up, he started to cry. Bruce just stayed knelt on the floor, watching his friend carefully. Tony needed to explode, but it had to be safe.

Tony leaned against the sink and cried for a second before he pulled himself together. He glanced at the mirror. The cracked and broken reflection looking back at him sent him into a fit of laughter at how accurate he thought it was. It was broken. Disgusting.

Bruce walked behind Tony and turned him slowly away from the mirror. He grabbed Tony’s hands and ignored the blood on him. “Please let me help you,” he said.

Tony calmed down, and eventually, his features went from joyous to sad quickly. “Yeah, I’m done.”

“You don’t have to be done. Just calm down and let me pull the glass out of your skin,” Bruce said. He sighed and began to look for tweezers. When he found some, he disinfected them with rubbing alcohol and grabbed a bowl to put the glass in once it was out. He grabbed a cloth and began to clean the cuts. As he worked, he decided he should probably talk to Tony to distract him from the pain he would feel after he started to pull the glass out.

When he finally starts to pull out the first piece, he immediately begins to talk. “So, who taught you that you had to be so strong?”

“My father,” Tony said, a slight grunt the only sign that he was in pain.

“What? Why?” Bruce asked, genuinely confused.

“Because I was always in the media. I had to keep everything behind closed doors, I couldn’t let anyone see me hurt,” Tony replied, hissing as a larger piece of glass was pulled out.

“What kind of hurt? Did your dad-”

Tony cut him off hastily. “No! He didn’t… He never hit me or anything. I was just, you know, kind of neglected I guess.” Tony let his mind drift, ignoring the pain as one of the last pieces was pulled out.

“Tony…” Bruce trailed off. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“Will you talk anyway?”

“Can I at least put on pants first?” Tony asked, trying to lighten the mood in his usual manner.

“Yeah,” Bruce said, smiling.

When Tony went to grab clothes from his workshop stash, (He had everything down there because he practically lived in his stuffy workshop.) Bruce began to clean up everything.

When both men were ready, Tony and Bruce sat down on an old couch and faced each other.

“So, what did you mean by neglected?” Bruce asked gently.

“It wasn’t a big deal, there are those who have had it much worse than I did,” Tony muttered.

“Just because it wasn’t the worst thing in the world, doesn’t invalidate your situation,” Bruce said sadly. It hurt him to think that Tony thought his pain didn’t matter.

“I guess. Well, I never really saw my father much, he always just gave me to whatever nanny was willing, which was a lot. He didn’t care about me, so he never actually did background checks. I got kidnapped by a few, and my dad only paid my ransom so the public wouldn’t complain.”

Bruce tried to object, but Tony stopped him. “Don’t try to deny it, he told me when I got home. Then he locked me in a room because he “couldn’t stand to look at the disappointment who takes all of his money.””

Bruce frowned sadly. “That’s not okay,” he said.

“It’s fine.”

“Why did you hide it?” Bruce asked.

“My dad threatened me. I don’t think he’d ever act on it, but I was a kid and I took it seriously.” Tony was carefully controlling his features.

Bruce was less careful and let his face show his sadness. After a quick moment of thought, he asked a question that Tony never thought he would hear from his science bro.

“Can I give you a hug?”

Tony nodded, a little confused.

Bruce shot forward and crushed him in a tight bear hug. Tony smiled into his friend’s shoulder. “Thank you for listening,” Tony whispered sincerely.

“Any time Tony, any time,” Bruce replied sadly.

Tony broke away.

“I’m going to try to get some sleep,” Tony said.

“Do you want me to stay?” Bruce asked.

“Please.”

Tony settled into the couch and grabbed his old blanket to lay over himself. He rest his head on the arm of the couch and allowed his exhaustion to lull him to sleep almost immediately.

He didn’t have any nightmares for the first time in a long time.

Bruce was filled with hope. Maybe his friend was finally getting better.

Chapter Text

Chapter eight

Tony woke up later and immediately noticed the presence of another person in the room. When he looked up, and was relieved to see it was Bruce.

Bruce, who always stayed with him.

Tony felt his heart warm at the thought.

“Wow, you stayed with me through the night. The team really is going to think there's something else going on here,” Tony joked, sitting up and stretching out his sore limbs.

“Tony, I know that you might not want to, but we should talk,” Bruce replied carefully. He didn't want to scare the engineer into putting his walls back up so soon.

“Later Brucie. Please.” Tony looked at his friend pleadingly, and Bruce gave in.

“Fine, but we will talk.”

“I know.”

The two sat in a comfortable silence for a bit, until eventually, Tony spoke, complaining about how hungry he was.

Bruce laughed. “Let's go upstairs and get some food, the others will be glad to see you.”

Tony nodded and got off the couch. He walked towards the door without even looking back to see if Bruce was following him.

Tony trusted that he was.

When they got to the elevator, Tony only hesitated for a second to press the button that would take them to the communal floor.

“Maybe they aren't all there,” Tony thought.

Much to his disappointment, the Avengers were all sitting in the living room, watching a movie.

He tried to silently walk behind the couch, but the widow noticed his presence and immediately jumped up from the couch, he instincts taking over as she took a battle stance. She relaxed slowly as she saw it was just Bruce and Tony.

As composed as always, Natasha looked at Tony with a calculating gaze. “What have you been doing?” She asked coldly, carefully letting none of her concern creep into her voice. She refused to show weakness right now. The spy couldn't help it, it was her natural defense. She was accustomed to someone using anything she cared about against her.

“Drinking mostly,” Tony replied confidently. He too kept his true feelings from his voice. In the back of his head, he heard some of the lyrics from Frozen’s ‘let it go.’

“Conceal, don't feel. Don't let them know…”

“What happened to your hand?” Steve asked, alarmed when he saw bandages wrapped around Tony’s knuckles and palms.

“I punched a mirror,” Tony responded.

Clint looked at Tony like he was a child who had gotten into a fight at school over.something stupid: Angry, but concerned.“Why the hell did you do that?”

“I had a minor freak out,” Tony said, trying to stay as vague as possible.

Bruce sighed. “Tony,” he said tiredly.

Tony felt bad for putting that tone into Bruce's voice. Letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding, Tony made a decision.

“Fine. I'll talk.”

Everyone looked at Tony expectantly. Sitting down, the billionaire told them everything they had to know about his three days locked in the workshop.

“Well, the first two days were spent incredibly drunk. I honestly have no recollection of the first one after about an hour down there at all. The second day I built a toaster. You can meet him another day.” Tony gave himself a moment to breathe. “Yesterday was terrible. I woke up sick. Then all of you came down, and you were all so damn concerned, and it was killing me to know I was hurting you in anyway.” When the others tried to protest, Tony help up a hand. “We all know that I was, don't deny it.” Everyone but Natasha looked pained. Natasha looked like she was trying to solve Tony as if he were an exceptionally hard jigsaw that she had been tasked with finishing.

Tony hated that look.

“Anyway,” Tony continued, ignoring the butterflies that were fluttering freely in his stomach. “Bruce came in and saw me at rock bottom. That felt terrible, but there was nothing I could do about it.” Tony sent on and explained to the team everything he had to Bruce, even the part about his father.

This time, it almost seemed easier. Tony recalled the next line of the song.

“Well now they know!”

It felt like a weight was pulled off his chest when he finished.

The team all looked heartbroken at the news. It was silent, everyone was dealing with their thoughts, gathering themselves.

Steve was shocked. It was awful to know that the man he had thought he knew so well had been so cruel to his only son. He could only think about the Howard Stark that he knew, and couldn't see a connection. Steve couldn’t shake the guilt that he hadn't known.

Clint was speechless, thinking of his own past. He remembered everything that he personally went through, and empathized with how Tony must’ve felt for all of those years. He was the first one to recover still. He waited before he said anything.

All Natasha could think about was Howard’s death. She felt bad about it only because she hadn’t gotten to the man. There was red clouding her vision, and she knew she had to calm down but couldn’t right away. The agent was fiercely protective, a side of herself she rarely allowed to be shown. She carefully didn’t let any of her anger and pain show in her face.

Bruce just sat carefully and let the story wash over him a second time.

“I wish I could kill him,” Clint said.

Tony let out a quick laugh bubble out, surprising even himself. “Too late, he’s already dead,” he said.

“That’s why I said I wish instead of I will.” Even though his voice was angry, his face was soon covered in a wide grin at the sight of his friend’s smile. A real one had been rare lately.

“How didn’t I notice?” Steve asked.

“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t something that was incredibly obvious,” Tony reassured him.

Natasha simply looked Tony in the eye, her gaze communicating so much without saying anything aloud. There was understanding mixed with a need to talk about it, without feeling like she could. Tony responded with an almost imperceptible nod in her direction. A flash of gratitude sparkled in her eyes.

“Can we do something normal now,” Tony asked. “Like, I don’t know, a movie?”

“I don’t think you recommending a team movie is exactly ‘normal,’” Steve said jokingly, trying to follow Tony’s lead in brightening the mood.

“Well, let’s do it anyway,” Tony responded.

Everyone agreed, glad that Tony planned on staying upstairs for a while. While Clint stood in front of the case that held Tony’s extensive movie collection, Natasha dragged Tony over to the kitchen to help her with snacks. He knew there was an ulterior motive as soon as she had him pinned in a corner so he couldn’t run.

“So what, are we all supposed to pretend that nothing ever happened, that you’ve just taken a nap and come back all better? I’m not as easily swayed as the others Stark,” she said, anger lacing her words.

“I know that I’m not better Natasha, I’m not a complete idiot,” Tony said weakly. “But for the first time in a while I feel a bit more normal, and I just want to do something easy.”

“You just confessed to your secret childhood trauma! You are covered in bandages because you punched a mirror, you had a breakdown on live TV. You might feel better now, but it will all come back to haunt you later, and we both know it. Why are you pretending it’s all okay, when we both know it’s not?” There was pain, anger, frustration, and fear all making appearances in her voice. The widow wasn’t used to there being a threat to a friend’s safety that she couldn’t crush with pure force. Her training, for the first time, was useless.

Tony winced when he realized this. “You can’t manipulate me to feel better, Tasha. I need time,” he tried to reassure her, but a fierce anger produced by an uncertainty she wasn’t used to caused her to reject the comfort.

“But there’s nothing else I can do!” The spy yelled. By this time the team had crept into the room to see what the fight was about. “I’m completely useless to you in this situation. I’m not comforting, I’m not used to going around feelings for the sake of sanity. We-” her voice calmed, she seemed to be reigning herself in painfully. “We have to do something! You’re hurt, and there’s nothing I can do.”

Tony hugged her. She was tense at first, but slowly calmed down, and sank into the embrace gratefully. “I’m supposed to be the one comforting you,” she said softly.

“Honestly, it’s a little helpful to know it’s been hard on everyone, even if it’s only hard because of me,” Tony muttered.

Natasha pulled away, looking Tony in the eye, voice sincere. “It’s not because of you. It’s my own feeling of uselessness, which I’m not used to. This was bound to happen eventually.”

Tony nodded, for once allowing himself to believe that it wasn’t completely his fault that a teammate was in pain. “Let’s get snacks before they start to expect there’s a secret love affair, okay?”

“Yeah,” Natasha said, letting a small laugh escape her. Suddenly, Natasha turned and moved out of Tony’s view, where they both saw Steve, Bruce, and Clint all looking at the other two in shock.

After a furious glare from both Natasha and Tony, the three men left the room. The spy and the billionaire laughed as they gathered enough popcorn to feed twenty people, and a drink for everyone. As they walked towards the living room, they reenacted the fear on the faces of their teammates faces as they fled the kitchen.

Bruce shot them a glance when they sat down next to each other on the couch, looking like he wanted to say something, but deciding against it.

Tony liked that Bruce understood boundaries.

Steve, however, did not. “Natasha-” he began, but stopped when Tony looked at him with a glare conveying everything he couldn’t say in words. Steve clamped his mouth shut, and then the movie began. Much to Tony’s delight, they left the lights on.

Tony smiled, content.

+++

1 week later

Tony knew it was only a matter of time before his good streak was broken.

He had been calmed down a little bit lately. Sure, he still slept with his lights on, and he was still sore from the mirror thing, but he really thought he was doing fine.

Until one day, he finally decided to check out the news.

“JARVIS, pull up the most recent stories for keywords “Stark,”” he said, determined to not let his fears stop him.

“Are you sure that's wise sir?” the disembodied voice of his AI asked.

“No,” Tony responded.

There was a short second that Tony guessed was his AI hesitating, before suddenly, hologram after hologram appeared before him.

“Tony Stark: The Daring Dead That Ruined His Life”

“Stark Finally Breaks Down”

“The Man Behind The Mask, A Tony Stark Story”

“Does Stark Have PTSD?”

“The Full Story Behind the New York Attack and Tony Stark”

The last article intrigued Tony, and he instructed JARVIS to open it. It took a moment longer than it should’ve, but, almost reluctantly, his AI opened the article.

Immediately, he saw a picture of none other than Director Fury talking to a reporter. His stomach turned as he scrolled past the introduction, getting straight to the part where Fury spoke.

Tony frowned when he saw that they were calling him an FBI agent.

The interviewer asked a question, immediately venturing into an area that Tony would rather leave forgotten. “So, we understand that you know exactly what happened to Stark?”

“Yes. He had a little explosion the other day, and it’s true, the man almost died. To put it simply, what Mr. Stark did was really medically impossible, and he really shouldn’t still here. He suffocated and froze to death while in the portal, and both of those traumas should’ve killed him.”

“Fascinating. Our sources say that the missile was from the government, can you confirm that?” The interviewer asked the question. Tony earnestly read on.

“We believe it was from a terrorist group that was only striking because of the weakness shown in New York at the moment. We shouldn’t worry about them anymore.” Tony was angry at the lie. It was S.H.I.E.L.D who fired the missile, who endangered the city even more so than it already was.

As he read, he saw the interviewer recount what Tony said. His stomach lurched reading it again. Before he could continue, he had to grab a stool and sit down.

“Based on his statement, what do you think Stark’s mental health is like right now?”

“Well, I don’t see how it could be good. Tony Stark is a mess on the best of days, and based on that, we can see that he must be doing horrible right now. The man’s been gone for a week and a half. He is completely unreliable.”

The quote kept going, but Tony had JARVIS close the article. He couldn’t breath. Fury was right, as much as he hated to admit it. Ever since the battle, he’d been a complete mess, and incredibly unreliable. He was hit again thinking about the portal.

He grabbed the bottle of liquor that he had resisted for a week and walked up to his roof.

+++

Tony knew that he couldn’t get better, but it still hurt to finally experience the true helplessness of it.

He couldn’t be trusted to do anything anymore. He had finally broken.

Tony took another long drink from the bottle.

He had come up here to cry, but the tears just wouldn’t come. Actually, with every revelation, he took another sip of his drink, each sip taking away some more pain. Eventually, he felt nothing except a sharp longing.

It filled him to the brim, telling his brain that wanted was rational, smart even.

Another long sip from the bottle. One step forward, toward the edge of the roof.

The only good thing he could remember about his time in space was the weightlessness of falling.

Maybe if there was oxygen even slightly warmer air, it would be pleasant.

Like flying.

Rationally, he knew he could fly using his suit, but it wouldn’t be the same. In the Iron Man suit, he had to concentrate, and calculate his every move. It was almost always a fight. Tony was so tired of fighting. If he did it this way, it would be effortless.

He took another sip, and another step. Stumbling, he thought of his team. He remembered Steve’s mother hen concern, and Bruce’s small smiles when he was proud of Tony’s progress.

He was sad to leave that.

Next he thought about Clint’s pain, much like his own but much better handled. Tony knew he was weak compared to the archer, but found it hard to think of not being there for his friend.

A long sip as doubt started to creep in. He hesitantly walked two steps. He saw the edge, his end in sight.

Natasha. Cold, calculating Natasha who never let him down. She had finally showed weakness in front of him, and he was selfishly shoving it back in her face.

He hadn’t even said goodbye to Thor.

He finally let a single tear slip.

His step faltered, and he was suddenly chugging the last of the bottle’s contents. He was only five steps away from flying.

Suddenly, there was a loud, shaking voice behind him.

“Tony? Oh- oh my god! Tony come here, just step away from the edge.”

It was Natasha. He was suddenly overcome with a fit of laughter. Of course she would find him right when he was about to break.

He was suddenly only four steps away.

“Tony! You’re drunk, you’re going to fall!” The spy called, her voice rising as panic filled her.

“That’s the point.” Tony said. His voice was steady, if a little slurred.

Three steps away.

“You’ll die!” She screamed, her voice breaking.

Tony refused to look back and see her expression, the expression that was there because of him. He suddenly remembered a quote, but couldn’t remember where it was from. “It’s not the fall that kills you,” he paraphrased aloud. “It’s the landing!” He giggled a little.

Two steps away.

“Tony. Just stop. Stop and think for a moment.”

“I can’t think. If I think I won’t go through with it. And, Natasha, I have to.” He turned around to see her face. There was tears streaming down her face. The wind Tony hadn’t even noticed was whipping her hair across her face, coloring her cheeks and nose. He felt terrible for doing that to her. He took a step backwards.

One step away.

“You don’t Tony. Listen to me. I need you to walk back to me right now, and we can talk,” she pleaded.

“I’ll talk here.” Tony took a deep breath, and when the chill air filled his lungs, he was once again reminded of his problems. “I- I don’t know what else to do! I can’t really do anything anymore, and I hate being unreliable like this and… And I just want to fly again Tasha. I don’t belong here anyway. I’m supposed to be dead. I shouldn’t be here!” Tony’s voice rose, but he stayed planted in the same place as before.

“Tony, no, you belong here with me, with your team. Please, walk towards me. You don’t need to do this.”

Tony took a tentative step forward, only so he could make a point.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”

“Yes you can. You said you can’t be relied on anymore, but you can be, okay? I need you to walk forward, just like you did before.”

Tony took another shaky step. He wanted to cry, wanted to let go of his emotions and break down again, but it’s like there wasn’t any emotion to let go of. As he walked towards his friend, he went numb.

When he reached, he dropped the bottle still in his hand and looked at the ground. Natasha was whispering encouragements and thanks to him, but the words just went around him. When his legs gave out, he noticed the redness of his fingers.

He must be cold.

He slipped onto the ground, not having the will to work any longer.

He was so close.

Tony finally realized what he had almost done. “I’m sorry,” he said over and over. Natasha just kneeled next to him and wrapped her arms around him. She sat down and pulled Tony onto her lap. His head rested on her lap, and his legs curled up to his chest, where he wrapped his arms around them. She held the hurt man closely and just let him lay there, his voice quietly saying apology after apology.

Natasha knew that right now he was numb, but later the reality of what he did would crush him.

It was painful to know that her friend would have to go through that.

Shifting, she grabbed her phone and quickly sent a message to Clint.

“On the roof. Grab Steve and Bruce and get up her now”

When she saw the message was read, she closed her phone and began stroking Tony’s hair affectionately. She didn’t know how the others would react, but hoped they would understand what Tony was going through.

When the team finally came upstairs, it only took about two seconds of them observing the scene on the roof for them to piece together what happened.

Bruce stumbled and fell forward when he figured it out. He crawled tearfully towards Tony.

“Is he okay?” He said, pushing the empty bottle out of his way. “He’s not doing anything!”

Indeed, Tony had stopped talking, and now he had his eyes staring unseeingly into the sky.

“He’s alive. I think he’s shocked at what he had almost done. Also, the alcohol can’t be doing wonders for his self awareness and sense.” Natasha said, wiping away the stray tears that hadn’t been dried by the wind.

Bruce crawled forward and grabbed Tony’s hand, squeezing it. To Natasha’s surprise, there wasn’t even a hint of green tinting his skin.

Steve walked forward with a sense of purpose, the surprise on his face the only thing showing he wasn’t on an official mission. When he got to Tony, he stood back, just watching his friend. Natasha got the sense that he wasn’t allowing himself to get close to Tony, in case his emotions took over and he hurt his friend.

Clint spent a while just staring at the edge of the building.

“We need to get him inside,” he said, not looking towards the group. Natasha nodded and decided that she would talk to Clint once they got Tony safe inside.

Steve, finally allowing himself to touch Tony, lifted the smaller man bridal style. Tony’s only movement was when he closed his eyes. Steve whimpered almost silently, and carried Tony inside as if he thought the man would crumble away to ash if he held him tight enough.

Natasha helped Bruce up and supported his weight as they too went in.

Clint followed behind, thinking.

+++

Soon, Tony was laid down in bed.

After a while, they saw his breathing slow. He was finally asleep.

+++

Natasha went into Clint’s room without even bothering to knock on the door. She sat down on the end of his bed, and placed a hand on his arm.

“Do you want to talk?” She asked.

Clint nodded slowly, and brought his eyes up to look at Natasha’s.

“Okay,” she said, squeezing Clint’s arm comfortingly. “Let’s talk.”

Chapter Text

Chapter 9

Natasha and Clint were silent for a bit as they sat on Clint’s bed, waiting for the other to start the conversation that they both knew was inevitable. Deciding that she couldn’t stand the tension any longer, Natasha spoke first.

“So what’s wrong Barton?” Natasha asked Clint calmly.

“I don’t know,” Clint replied blandly.

“Well we’ll just have to work through it together then, won’t we?” Natasha said. She really cared about Clint, and she couldn’t stand seeing him hurt, especially after she just talked her friend away from the edge of a ninety- three story building.

“I guess,” Clint replied.

It was like physical pain for Natasha to see the usually exuberant archer look so defeated. “When we were up there...” Natasha took a deep breath, and gathered the strength she would need to continue. “When we were on the roof, you were staring at the edge of the building. Why?”

“Because my friend almost jumped off of it.” Clint was blunt because he didn’t want to think of it as something that could hurt him. It was so much easier to act like it never happened at all.

But it had happened, and now they all had to figure things out.

“Yes he did,” Natasha said.

Clint didn’t want to make her relive the experience, but Natasha was there, and he had to know why. “Did he tell you why he was going to do it?” He asked carefully.

Natasha looked away from Clint in favor of a hole in the wall, and then answered. “Yes,” she said.

“What was it? What could drive him to want to do something like that?” Clint was upset, and it was very clear. He wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“He said he wanted to fly.”

+++

When Tony woke up, at first he didn’t remember what happened the night before.

They say ignorance is bliss, and in this case they were right.

But as soon as Tony sat up in his bed and had a moment to think, he immediately remembered what he had almost done. He closed his eyes and put his head in his hands.

“Hangover?” A voice asked.

Tony looked up, and saw that this time it was Steve who was with him.

“I’m sorry,” Tony said.

Steve didn’t respond and handed Tony a glass of water. He didn’t know what to say.

Tony took the water, and at Steve’s insistent glare, drank half the glass in one go.

“How is everyone?” Tony asked hesitantly.

“Bruce has disappeared onto his floor. He’s refusing to come down, he’s afraid the littlest things can cause him to hulk out right now. Natasha and Clint are talking in Clint’s room. They’ve been there the whole time you were asleep.”

Tony nodded. “And you?”

“I’m just worried about you.”

Tony looked away.

Both of the men stayed silent after that, and soon a tension filled the room. Steve wanted to say something, but didn’t know what. Every time he was about to open his mouth, he looked into Tony’s eyes and stopped. The eyes that were usually so warm and bright, now dull and flat. These thoughts got Steve to notice other things that had changed about the inventor.

Steve thought of all the times when Tony made something, the way those eyes could light a room. There was always a childlike giddiness surrounding the man, which at first made the Captain annoyed at the immaturity, but he soon found that it could light a room up. His presence was always so in your face, that Steve found that he sought comfort in the fact that it was so apparent he wasn’t alone. Now Tony seemed smaller, and he seemed to want to disappear.

He almost did, Steve thought.

Eventually, Steve made himself speak, only so the genius had someone to take his mind off of things.

“How are you feeling?” Steve asked.

Tony just shrugged.

Steve could see the inventor tearing himself apart on the inside, and he saw the toll it was taking. This internal war was hurting Tony, and Steve knew that Tony had gone through enough hurt for now.

“Okay,” he said, thinking of ways he could help.

“You know,” Tony said, “You don’t have to sit here and watch me. I’m not going to try again.”

“That’s not why I’m here Tony. I’m here because you need me.” Steve said. He didn’t say everything he was thinking. ‘ I don’t believe you.’ hung in the air like a weight.

“Thank you,” Tony said. He noticed how Steve was staying away from him. He had to fight back the thoughts that were poisoning his mind, telling him it was because the amazing Captain America was disgusted by his weakness.

“ Steve cares about you,” Tony told himself. “ He’s probably afraid to hurt you.”

Tony stared at Steve. His relaxed posture looked too rehearsed to be real. It was being used so that the slump of his shoulders wouldn’t be found out as exhaustion. Actually, Steve’s whole body looked tired. His eyes are what really betrayed him though. The blue was the same as usual, but there was more. There was concern shining in his eyes. The dark circles were prominent against the pale skin of his face.

“Tony? Why are you staring at me?” Steve asked, concern replaced with confusion.

“How long has it been since you’ve slept?” Tony asked.

“I don’t know, why?” Steve asked.

“ He must not know how tired he looks,” Tony thought.

“You look exhausted,” Tony replied.

“Oh,” Steve said, looking down. “I guess I’m a little tired, but I’ll be fine.”

“No, you have to sleep,” Tony insisted.

“I don’t want to leave you alone.”

“Don’t worry about it, you can stay in here. I’ll go back to sleep too.” Tony moved over and patted the spot on the bed next to him.

Steve blushed and walked forward. “Are you sure?” he asked when he got to the edge of the bed.

“I’m sure,” Tony replied. Steve nodded and laid down in the enormous bed.

“Hey Tony?” Steve said nervously.

“Yes?”

“What triggered it? You were doing so much better lately, at least as far as I could tell.”

When Tony closed his eyes and started to take deep, calming breaths, Steve wondered if maybe he shouldn’t have asked so soon.

But, Tony did answer. “I looked to see what the media was saying about me.” He said this with zero emotion in his voice.

“What did they say?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know everything, I only actually read one article,” Tony said, “but I think it was all the same thing: Tony Stark is unreliable because he’s letting things get to him like this, and he just disappeared for a week and a half.”

“That’s not what everyone thinks!” Steve said incredulously.

“It’s what Director Fury thinks,” Tony said, faking a smile. “He said it in an interview posing as FBI.”

“Since when do you care what Nick Fury thinks?” Steve asked.

“I usually don’t, but I don’t know… I guess I thought he was going to kick me off of the Avengers for it. I mean, I’m not actually one as it is, I’m a consultant, but-”

“You are a full member of the Avengers, Tony, and I refuse to let you believe for one more second that you are not,” Steve said fiercely. “And even thinking that you are not shouldn’t have lead you to do… what you did,” he continued, “because the team still cares about you.”

“Aw, you’re making me blush capsicle, stop it,” Tony said lightheartedly. Now his smile was real. And, he was almost blushing.

Steve laughed. As he relaxed, he found his eyes slowly closing. He looked over to Tony, whose eyes were closed. His last thoughts before he went to bed were about Tony, and how he could help.

+++

Natasha ran up to the roof as soon as JARVIS told her that Tony had gone up there drunk and “extremely distraught.” She knew that Tony would blow up soon, and now was the time.

As she sprinted up the stairs, she thought about what would happen if she was too late.

No, she told herself. I’m not.

Natasha shoved open the door that lead to the roof, and was shocked at first by what she saw through the curtain of hair the wind had blown across her face.

There was Tony. Wonderful, sarcastic, strong, lively Tony walking towards the edge of a building with a half empty bottle.

Panic filled her, clouding her senses as all she could think was no.

“Tony? Oh- oh my god! Tony come here, just step away from the edge,” she called out, stuttering.

Stuttering? She was Natasha Romanov, she never stuttered!

When Tony laughed, she lost piece of herself. Oh Tony she thought, What is wrong with you?

And then Tony stepped closer to the edge.

“Tony! You’re drunk, you’re going to fall!” The spy called, her voice rising as she was filled with even more panic. This was something of her nightmares.

She wished it was just a nightmare when he answered with “That’s the point!”

He took another step forward.

“You’ll die!” She screamed, her voice breaking as the tears came. She didn’t know what else to say.

When he quoted Sherlock, Natasha almost thought it was a dream. But it wasn’t.

It was really happening.

He took another step, and the spy’s heart stopped. He was so close to the edge, that even the strong wind could have been enough to push him off.

To kill him.

“Tony. Just stop. Stop and think for a moment.” Natasha was practically hysterical, and still the man didn’t look back.

“I can’t think.   If I think I won’t go through with it. And, Natasha, I have to.” Tony said. He turned towards her and she felt a little hope. That hope was quickly crushed when he stepped backwards towards the ledge.

Her throat felt clogged, and it was hard for her to breathe. One step. One little step would be the thing to kill a man that she had grown so attached to. Even as she cried for him, the roaring wind was drying her tears as they came.

And then suddenly, Tony spoke again. “I’m sorry,” he said. He took another step back, and he was now balancing on the edge of the building. With one final wink, he let himself tip backwards, causing himself to fall off the edge of the building.

“ NO!” Natasha screamed, but it did nothing to save her friend. She fell to her knees and let out a scream so filled with grief and fear that it caused her teammates that were still inside to come to the roof, where all they saw was an empty bottle and the broken spy screaming and screaming…

And then Natasha woke up to Clint leaning over her, eyes filled with concern.

She was in Clint’s bed, she must’ve fallen asleep in there.

She didn’t even notice she was crying and hyperventilating until Clint tried to calm her down.

“Nat, I need you to take a deep breath, okay? Please-”

“Shut up!” Natasha screamed. “I- I couldn’t save him… he’s dead because I couldn’t save him!”

“Sh, yes you did Tasha, it was just a nightmare,” Clint tried to calm her down, but the look of incomprehension filled him with sorrow.

“What do you mean? It all felt so real,” she said. Her breathing was starting to slow, but she still had tears streaming down her eyes.

“It might’ve started out real, but the end wasn’t,” Clint said. He seemed to want to add more, but he was hesitant to do so.

“What?” Natasha asked, seeing that.

“You were screaming in your sleep Tasha. I’ve never seen you so worked up before.” Clint looked like he didn’t know what to do, and he probably didn’t. Of course he had nightmares, but everyone dealt with there's a little differently. He didn’t know if what he did to work through his would help Natasha at all.

“I want to see him,” she said.

“Okay, let’s ask Jarvis to get him for you, okay?” Clint seemed nervous.

“No, no I want to go and find him. He’s probably still in his room.” Natasha stood up and walked briskly towards the door.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Clint asked.

Natasha just nodded and waited at the door for him to get up and follow her out. Soon, the two spies were standing outside of Tony’s door.

“Jarvis, can you let us in without waking Tony up?” Natasha whispered, knowing the AI could still hear her.

“Yes, of course.” Usually he wouldn’t allow it, but he had seen Natasha having the nightmare and took pity. The locks clicked open, and Natasha and Clint stepped inside, their bare feet making no sound on the floor.

The first thing Natasha noticed when she entered the room was that the giant bed held two bodies. She expected to see Bruce, but was surprised when it turned out to be Steve. The two men were laying pretty close to each other, which surprised Natasha because Steve had been so hesitant to touch the inventor just last night…

Last night.

Natasha shook the remaining memories from her head, not needing them to make her relive the nightmare she had just woken up from.

To brighten her own low mood, she pulled out her phone to take a picture of Tony and Steve once they started to cuddle in their sleep.

It was absolutely adorable.

Sadly though, the camera’s flash woke both men.

“What are you doin’ here?” Tony asked, his voice slurring as he was still half asleep.

“I wanted to make sure you were still alive,” Natasha said, her voice no longer holding a trace of panic.

“Why?” Tony asked, his eyes still closed.

“Because I had a nightmare where I didn’t help you and you jumped off the roof. Well, more like fell off it. You just leaned back, and let me tell you, it wasn’t like you were flying… No, it was really quite clear that you were falling. And you fell like a rock, and there was nothing i could do to help you-” A single tear fell from her eye, and her voice grew even faster and more frantic with every word. “And then you were just gone I just screamed and it was awful.”

Tony looked so guilty. Natasha ran over to the bed and hugged him, hard. He hugged her back, squeezing even tighter than she did. “I’m so sorry I did that to you,” he whispered into her neck.

“I’m just glad that you saw sense and walked away from it in the end,” Natasha said. “I came to see that you were still alive.”

“I am, and I promise you I am going to work my hardest to stay that way,” Tony responded. He was filled with determination. He knew that he really was in trouble, and he had to get better for the sake of himself and for the sake of his friends.

Chapter Text

After he pulled away from Natasha’s hug, Tony looked up at Clint. “Hi,” he said.

“You are an idiot,” Clint replied, “And you’re lucky you’re not a dead idiot.”

“I know,” Tony said. “Without Tasha, I don’t think I’d be able to step away from the edge. She saved my life.” He turned back towards Natasha. “Without you, I would never have the chance to get better.”

“Well, now you have a chance, and you better take it.”

Tony nodded. “You know what I should do?”

“What?” Asked Steve, saying his first thing since he woke up.

“I should go out in public, or at least answer my phone.” Suddenly, Tony’s eyes filled with panic. “Pepper!” He yelled. “Nobody tells Pepper, not yet.”

Everyone in the room nodded.

“Okay,” Clint agreed. “But on one condition.”

“What do you want?” Tony asked.

“If you try anything like that again, I tell her everything,” Clint said.

“Dea-” Before he could finish, Steve spoke up.

“I have a condition too,” he said.

“You to Cap? Come on, I’m letting you sleep in my bed! Is that not enough?” Tony pretended to be shocked, even though he expected that the others would also want something. Though, he never expected what Steve actually wanted.

“No drinking,” Steve said.

“What?!” Tony exclaimed.

“Every time you drink, it ends badly. I want you to stop. You need to be sober for me to not tell Pepper what happened,” Steve said sternly.

“And if she asks if something like this has happened, I’m not lying. Also, I will tell her, very soon, but I think you need time to cope with it before she knows. That is the only reason I am not calling her right now,” Natasha added.

“Okay, I agree that you are all right. I’m still not telling you where my secret drink stashes are though,” Tony said.

“JARVIS will tell us,” Clint said.

“Indeed,” the AI’s disembodied voice said.

“Hi J,” Tony said.

“Hello, sir. May I recommend-”

“Mute,” Tony said, effectively cutting off his AI.

“That was rude,” Natasha said.

“I don’t feel like listening to him right now,” Tony replied, shrugging.

“I do!” Steve said. “Unmute.”

“Thank you, Mister Rogers. Before I was stopped, I was going to recommend that sir speak to someone about his PTSD, and maybe even get some depression medication,” Jarvis said.

Tony was about to dismiss Jarvis again but stopped when Clint shot him a threatening look. “I think that’s a wonderful idea,” the archer said cheerfully.

“No, it's not,” Tony said. That wasn’t even worth thinking about in his opinion.

“ I'll figure it out on my own,” Tony thought.

Nobody else said anything about it, not wanting to argue with Tony right now.

“Hey, how’s Bruce?” Clint asked all of a sudden.

“I don’t know, maybe we should go talk to him,” Natasha said.

“Are we sure that’s a good idea? He seemed pretty upset on the roof, he might’ve Hulked out,” Steve said, always trying to be the voice of reason.

“Actually, I was surprised, but there was no hint of the Other Guy while I saw him,” Natasha said.

“That’s odd,” Tony said. “But, that also means that he is probably still Doctor Banner! Let’s go be supportive!” Tony didn’t say anything about it, but he was more than a little worried he might’ve triggered his science bro. He remembered Bruce talking about how he had tried to kill himself while they were on the quinjet. It had hit him hard because even from the start, Tony liked Bruce Banner. It left him feeling glad that the Hulk was there.

“Are you sure we should go? He might want to be alone right now,” Clint said.

“Who cares? He was extremely upset before, and he needs his friends,” Tony said, shedding off the last of his sleepiness as he climbed out of bed. “Who’s coming?”

“We all will,” Steve answered, following Tony’s lead, and rolled out of bed, wiping the remnants of sleep from his eyes.

“Cap, I have a very important question,” Tony said.

“Yes?”

“How do you look so damn perfect after you just woke up? ‘Cause damn son, you’re looking like you just went through hair and makeup stations!”

Steve just blushed and self consciously put a hand up to smooth his hair, which as Tony said, was already all in place.

“Did that serum give you the power of perfection? Honestly, I was jealous of the perfect Captain America before, but now that I know that you even look like a model after waking up, I’m practically green- with envy, not rage,” Tony said, continuing to goad the captain.

“Thanks?” Steve said uncertainly. “Is that the proper reaction?” He asked, looking at Natasha for help.

She just laughed as she got up and headed for the door. Clint went over to the confused captain and clapped him on the back. “I don’t know actually know,” he said smiling. “Tony, what was that?”

“It was a genuine compliment! Also, I was play flirting to lighten the mood and to see Steve blush. It’s very easy to make Steve blush,” Tony said with a laugh.

“Aw, leave the poor man alone,” Natasha called from the doorway.

“Not now, maybe later,” Tony said.

Tony, Natasha, and Clint laughed, and Steve let a fond smile curl his lips as they all left the room, on their way to check on Bruce.

+++

(Bruce POV)

All that Bruce could see was Tony.

Tony, just lying unmoving on Natasha’s lap. His quiet pleas, his shaking form. Bruce didn't even think the engineer knew how cold he was on the roof.

He would've been even colder dead, Bruce thought.

“NO!” He shouted aloud to himself, trying to shake the thought out of his head. He failed.

Dull eyes staring at the sky…

“No, no, no,” Bruce mumbled, putting his head into his hands.

Cold limbs lying limply…

Bruce cried, and then suddenly he kept thinking of his own attempt…

His head was a war of images, of Tony on the edge, Tony’s corpse, the empty bottle… Bruce's own face as he wanted to die. The gun…

And then there were the things he felt. Not emotions, but actual touches on his skin.

The weight of the gun in his hand, in his mouth. The shaking when he hesitated on the trigger… Tony's limp hand lying in his, just the touch telling him that you are too late.

Bruce slid down to the floor.

The feeling of being pushed aside as the Other Guy took over.

Bruce took a deep breath.

The actual weight on his heart when he saw his friend, his science bro.

He rubbed his hand on his face, trying to hold back a flood of tears.

The tingling all over his body as the green covered his skin like a sheet, slowly covering the usual pale flesh.

He let the dam in his eyes break.

The feeling of inevitability as he pressed the gun to his mouth.

Bruce was a sobbing mess on the floor.

The uselessness at the sight of two defeated figures, seeming to take up the whole large roof.

He curled up in a small circle on the floor, and squeezed his eyes shut, throwing his hands over his ears.

He was haunted by it all.

-

And then, the Avengers walked into his room. When they got there, all they saw was a brilliant scientist reduced to tears on the floor.

“Shit!” Bruce heard a voice say. Quick pounding footsteps echoed in his head, sending stabbing pains shooting through his head. “It's all my fault,” the voice sobbed, and he felt a thump next where his body lay on the floor.

More voices followed the first, all of them concerned.

“Bruce? Bruce, it's me, Tony. I'm here buddy, and we are both alive. Isn't life great, it's quite swell indeed… Oh, wait now I sound like Steve, who loves and cares about you!” Tony continued rambling to the shaking friend, constantly commenting on the beauty of being alive, and how much they all care about him.

As Bruce very slowly but surely came back to himself at the sound of the familiar babble coming from his friend’s mouth, he grew angry as he listened to the words.

“Shut. Up,” he grunted, both words sharp and formal, filled with an unusual amount of rage. Usually, when Bruce felt this angry, the Hulk would make an appearance. For some reason, the Other Guy seemed to be allowing Bruce to grieve.

“I-” Tony stuttered, trying to find a proper reaction to Bruce lashing out like that.

“I said to SHUT UP!” Bruce’s words grew in volume as he spoke. After a moment of silence from the team, he calmed himself and spoke in a low voice. “How can you, of all people, preach about how valuable life is? You tried to end your own, remember?”

Bruce felt only a little remorse when he saw the flinch from almost everyone on the team.

The only one seemingly unaffected was Tony himself.

“You are a selfish bastard Tony Stark,” Bruce continued. “You think that it’ll all be fine if you pep talk me back from a trigger? Well, fuck you! You almost died! Do you even realize that? We almost lost you for good, and for what? Because Fury was mean? That’s a dumb reason and you know it!”

Tony looked calm. Only Natasha, who was trained to notice even the smallest details, saw how each word cut into Tony like a knife.

“It was stupid, you’re right,” Tony replied, carefully concealing the strain to his voice as he seemed to admit this to himself too. “Don’t you think I know that?”

“Obviously, you don’t, or else it would never have happened in the first place,” Bruce said coldly.

Tony just nodded.

The others couldn't take this, seeing Tony just allow himself to be belittled like this. They understood Bruce didn't know how to control his anger through words, as he wasn't used to it, but they knew this had gone too far.

“Stop,” Steve said sternly.

“Why? He's right Steve, and I need to hear it. I need to realize how my actions affect other people,” Tony said in a neutral voice.

“Yes, but not like this,” Clint said sadly. “We all need to talk, but calmly, not by blaming and yelling.”

“Please just leave. All of you, just go,” Bruce said, agitated that it was all turned back to him as if he was the bad guy.

He had only spoken his mind, which is more than the others did.

While the others wanted to protest, one look from Natasha convinced them not to. Clint, Steve, and Tony all filed out the door.

“Go away,” Bruce said, though he was not looking at Natasha.

Natasha almost left, but she stopped at the door. Not even looking back at the crumbling man behind her, she made her voice clear. “You have a right to your feelings you know. Don't listen to them. I'm just proud you haven't turned green.”

And then she walked away.

Bruce thought about her words, but he didn't like the last part.

The Hulk felt rage, not uselessness. And, Bruce decided uselessness was the worst feeling of all.

(End Bruce POV)

+++

After leaving the room with everyone else, Clint went into the communal floor so he could grab some food and watch a movie. All of the stress over the past few days was starting to get to him, and he was going to be in a foul mood if anything else happened.

“Anyone else want to watch?” he asked, jumping onto the couch, immediately spreading out and getting comfortable.

Steve gratefully accepted the offer, and when Natasha walked in a few minutes later she did too, but Tony declined.

“I think I’m going to go out for a bit,” Tony said, reaching for a jacket that had been sitting on an armchair for weeks.

“Want anyone to go with you?” Clint asked, worried for how Tony was holding up after everything.

“No thanks. I’ll only be gone for a bit. When I get back, I think we should all talk as a team,” Tony answered.

As Clint watched Tony leave, he just felt concern for him because of the guilt obviously weighing down on him, causing the engineer’s shoulders to slump and his usual fake smile to fall short.

“There’s nothing you can do,” Natasha said wisely, noticing how Clint was still staring at the elevator doors even after they closed.

“I know,” Clint said. “And that’s what I’m upset about.”

Nobody said anything else as Clint flipped the TV on, choosing Hunger Games as a good team movie.

+++

Tony smiled as his car sped down the abandoned road, pushing the gas pedal down and allowing himself to go as fast as he wanted.

He found the street just outside the city a few years ago, and he absolutely loved it. He soon bought it from the state, and after the sale went through, he immediately closed it off.

He usually went here whenever he had to think or let go of some of his aggravation.

After an hour of driving recklessly, letting all of his thoughts drift away so all he could do was revel in the cool air whipping his face and the adrenaline coursing through his veins, Tony slowed down and eventually, he stopped.

Now came for the hard part: thinking.

Not many people would think this to be a difficult task for the genius, but if there was one thing that Tony hated, it was thinking of and dealing with emotions.

Face it, Anthony Edward Stark was just not an emotional guy.

The first conclusion he came to was that he had to tell Pepper. Pepper, who was always so worried, who would probably be crushed.

Tony decided that waiting was too painful, so he called her now, knowing that her meeting had ended and she probably wasn’t busy.

She answered on the second ring.

Tony was hoping that she wouldn’t answer at all. He stopped paying attention and started panicking in his head.

“Tony? Is everything alright?”

The worry in her tone was enough to finally snap him out of his head, and he felt bad, as she had probably been trying to talk to him for a couple minutes now.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Tony replied, his voice shakier than he wanted it to be.

“Oh my god Tony, I’ve been trying to reach you for days! The media is going crazy with your sudden disappearance, and I haven’t seen or heard from you, and-”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left you to clean up my mess like that,” Tony said, voice betraying his guilt.

“No, no it’s fine. I just wanted to know if you were okay,” Pepper said.

Tony found himself tearing up. Of course she would be so kind and understanding, she always was.

So much for not being emotional.

At the sound of his crying, Pepper grew worried again. “Tony, what’s wrong?”

He took a deep breath and tried to steady his voice unsuccessfully.

“I fucked up,” he said.

“Oh god, what did you do?” Pepper asked.

“I- I almost jumped off my building,” he said, letting the sobs shake his whole body. The weight of everything was crushing him, and he was having trouble breathing. “I’m so sorry Pep.”

There was no answer on the other side of the line. He heard a banging, which he assumed was the phone being dropped before a second later, a shaky voice responded.

“What?” She said.

“I’m so sorry,” Tony sobbed.

“It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay,” Pepper said, now also crying. It sounded like she was trying to convince herself too.

“I’m coming over,” she said after a few minutes of both of them crying. Her voice was slowly getting steadier.

“Okay,” Tony said, already climbing back into his car.

“When I get there, we’re going to talk,” Pepper continued.

“Of course. I’ve already set something up with the team to discuss it,” Tony replied, while simultaneously texting Natasha to set it up. He told her that Pepper now knew and that she was coming over.

“I’ve got to go, I’ll be right over,” Pepper said, and he could hear her grabbing her car keys, and the slamming doors as she left her apartment.

Tony said goodbye and sped home as fast as he could through the traffic on the main roads.

+++

When he walked into the communal floor, he was met with the distraught face of Steve Rogers.

“What’s wrong?” Tony asked, instantly alarmed.

“Tony, I’m so sorry this happened, it must’ve been some kind of news drone,” Steve said sadly.

“What happened?” Tony said, fear filling him as he pushed past the captain towards the living room.

When he got there, all he saw was Clint hastily shut off the TV.

“What was on there?” Tony growled.

“Nothing good,” Natasha said.

“I want to see it, turn the TV back on,” Tony said. He felt panicked, what could be so bad that his teammates wouldn’t show it to him?

“No, Tony, you really don’t want to see this, trust us,” Steve pleaded.

“Jarvis, turn the TV on now, and show me what they had been watching,” Tony ordered.

“Yes sir,” the AI responded, though he sounded reluctant.

The TV flashed on, and Tony was immediately shocked to see clear footage of himself on the roof, obviously taken from the sky.

Tony’s first thought as he stared blankly at the screen is that the shot looked beautiful.

The neon lights from the advertisements all over the buildings around him lighted the sky, and the moving bustle of New York was even seen at the edge of the frame. His face was highlighted in colors, and the few stars actually visible in the lit sky were shining behind him.

The video had sound, Tony soon found, and when the clip showed him saying, “I just want to fly again Tasha,” it truly brought everything together.

So yes, Tony thought the tape documenting his almost suicide was beautiful.

But he also found it absolutely disgusting.

You could also see all of that beauty as something terrible. The neon ads showing the filthy greed of people, and the loud noise not comforting but jarring, as the police sirens wailed, and the cars all honked their horns in unison, the frustration each driver was feeling evident.

The colors painted across his skin were garish and showing off how pale he had become, and accentuating the dark under his eyes, and the unique amber in his bottle. The stars were like lights, shining onto Tony in his weakest moment, each spotlight trained on him as he waited to fall.

When he talked about flying, it sounded foreboding and ominous rather than light and poetic.

So when Tony fainted, he didn’t know if it was because he was so disgusted with himself or the feelings brought on by the beauty.

Really, it was just shock.

Steve caught Tony just as Pepper entered the room.

Chapter Text

Chapter 11

“Tony! Oh my god, what’s that on the TV?!” Pepper was practically hysterical.

“There must've been a news drone around,” Natasha said dully.

Pepper was staring at the screen like she wanted it to burst into flames.

“We need to move him!” Pepper said.

“No need,” Tony said, his voice low as he slowly looked around. “Why is Steve holding me?”

“You fainted,” Clint said, staring at Tony.

“Oh yeah, I remember. Anyone else notice how whoever took the shot seemed to make it almost beautiful and poetic but sickening at the same time?” Tony rambled, a little dizzy. He was in panic mode, as everyone could see. Tony hated to show weakness in front of the team, and now one of his weakest moments was broadcasted all over for everyone to see.

“Tony, are you-” Natasha tried, but Tony interrupted.

“I’m fine. Someone get me a phone.”

“There’s nothing you can do to get it taken down,” Steve said.

“I don’t care. And put me down, why am I still being held?” Tony sounded like he was about to have a panic attack, so Steve just listened and set the man onto the ground so he didn’t make it worse. As nobody moved, he began hyperventilating. “A phone!” Tony yelled, thrusting his hand out.

Nobody gave him one.

“Fine, whatever. Jarvis,” he called.

“Yes, sir?” The AI said. Everyone noticed how his volume was lower than usual. Was that for Tony?

“Contact any station that has that and tell them that I am willing to pay for them to take it down and give me all of their copies,” he said. Tony was upset. He sat on the floor shaking, and his voice was shaking and he looked like he was about to cry, but he was refusing to show exactly how much he was being affected by this.

“Of course,” Jarvis replied.

“Good,” Tony said. “T- turn that off. We came here to have a meeting, and I will not let some silly news report stop it.”

“A ‘silly news report’ is part of what caused it,” Natasha said quietly.

“Technically yes, though I believe that the report is what pushed me over the edge. I was in a bad state for a long time before that, but I was in denial, and as we all now know, that did nothing to help the situation at all,” Tony said. He was talking about it as if it was someone else, almost detached from himself. “You all worried, and yes, I should’ve done something, you were all right. I just wanted to call this gathering so that we could all talk.” And then Tony looked around the room. “I guess Bruce didn’t come, but that’s fine. It’s okay, he’s upset, which is upsetting but it makes sense so I guess he won’t be here-”

“I’m here,” Bruce said, walking into the room. “I just had to make a phone call real quick.”

“Okay, okay good. I just wanted to say sorry for what I did, and I know it probably triggered some flashbacks for you, and I wasn’t thinking, but that’s not an excuse,” Tony was rambling. He really must be panicking, usually he was able to keep his composure in stressful situations.

“Sir,” Jarvis said, his voice remorseful. “Only the one station has it, but they refuse to give it up.”

“So hack into their servers and take it by force,” Tony said.

“That is illegal sir,” Jarvis said. “I will not help you break the law.”

“Dammit!” Tony yelled.

“Tony, calm down. I know that you’re dealing with a lot right now, but you need to breathe.” Bruce looked into Tony’s eyes and started to take deep breaths, trying to lead Tony into doing the same.

As Tony began to calm down, he looked around the room. “I’m sorry for the minor freak out, I’ll try to keep it from happening again,” Tony said.

“We’ve seen worse freakouts than that Tony,” Clint said. “Remember the Lion King?”

“Oh yeah,” Tony said.

“Wait, what happened during the lion king?” Pepper asked.

“Tony had a PTSD fueled panic attack and flashback,” Natasha said.

“And you never told me?!” Pepper yelled.

“Sorry,” Tony said, though he didn’t sound exactly remorseful. “I didn’t want to make you worry.”

“Well, of course I would worry! But now I’m worried AND I’m mad at you, so it’s only worse,” Pepper said angrily.

The Avengers watched the pair fight, and they knew that they weren’t as mad as they said they were, especially when they started to throw insults that made no sense.

“Pepper,” Tony said, giggling slightly after she called him a ‘Buttface,’”We’re here for a meeting, remember? Meetings are very serious, you should know that. You can’t be the CEO if you can’t follow proper meeting etiquette.”

“You did just fine. I’m pretty sure you went to one meeting in your entire time as CEO, and while there you fell asleep twice, threw thirteen pencils, and broke the table,” Pepper said.

“I’ll have you know I went to several meetings in my time as CEO,” Tony defended.

“Oh yes, remember when you said that everyone in that room except for you was an ‘uptight old man?’”

“They all were!”

“There was a forty-year-old woman there!”

“Forty used to seem very old to me. I was what, twenty- five at the time?”

“Yes.”

“I rest my case. Anyway, now we must stop ignoring everyone else in the room and acknowledge our meeting,” Tony said.

“Okay, fine, but we will talk alone later,” Pepper agreed.

They turned to everyone else in the room.

“You used to think that forty was old?” Natasha asked.

“Yes, I did. What, are you offended? How old are you anyway?” Tony answered the question with a question.

“I’ll never tell,” she replied.

“Fine, be that way. I’ll just hack into your S.H.I.E.L.D file later and read it for myself,” Tony huffed.

“You’re still hacking S.H.I.E.L.D?” Steve asked. “Tony, you need to stop doing that.”

“I’m not really hacking , that would mean that it took effort,” Tony said, bored.

“I wonder if S.H.I.E.L.D hacks you back,” Clint said.

“They probably try. I bet they can get into Stark Industries files, but not my personal ones. I also keep a bunch of fake accounts too that show signs of being hacked. Fury hasn't said anything, but I know that it probably… Infuriates him,” Tony laughed at the end, even though they've all heard him make the same joke several times before.

“You have fake accounts that S.H.I.E.L.D tries to hack?” Bruce asked.

“Of course,” Tony replied like it was obvious.

“What do they find?” Steve asked.

“A white screen that flashes a message in shiny red letters that say ‘hello hacker, welcome to my account,’ and then it sends a massive virus to whatever hacked it,” Tony said.

“That explains a lot,” Natasha said. “One time, I was walking through the halls and I heard a bunch of screaming from a computer lab. I looked through a window, and I saw a huge screen covered in a bunch of dancing Iron Man animations. No matter what they did, the little Iron Mans wouldn’t go away,” there was even humor in Natasha’s voice. “You could gear Fury screaming ‘Stark’ throughout the whole compound.”

“Great!” Tony said, a large smile lighting up his face. “Now, meeting time. There is a reason for us being here. I vote Pepper to lead.”

“I will. Everyone please take a seat and direct your eyes to the screen,” Pepper said, stepping in front of the massive Tv. Everyone listened, as Pepper just used her ‘listen to me or I will destroy your life’ voice. Nobody doubted her abilities. Clint thought Pepper was just as scary as Natasha sometimes.

“Would anyone like to say anything?” She started, looking at the group. Bruce raised his hand as if this were a classroom and not a living area.

“I wanted to apologize to Tony for how I reacted earlier,” Bruce said.

“No need, you were in a bad place, and it's not your fault,” Tony said sincerely.

“Okay, so now first order of business is done. Next, we are going to discuss how everyone else is feeling after this. This affected all of you too,” Pepper said with a single sharp clap of her hands.

“Is this like some kind of group therapy?” Clint asked.

“No, it's a meeting,” Pepper said, smiling. “Who wants to go first?”

Nobody volunteered.

“If nobody starts talking right now, I will choose for you.” Pepper’s voice was menacing, though she still had a bright, professional smile on her face.

“I would just like to say that you are doing a wonderful job, Ms. Potts,” Tony said.

“Sh, it's not your turn to talk yet. It is… Steve's turn!” When Pepper said the super soldier’s name, she pointed to him.

Pepper sat down and pulled out her Stark pad, where she opened up the notes app. “J, please show my pad up on the TV screen.”

“Of course, Miss Potts,” Jarvis said politely. On the screen, there was a document that Pepper had just started, with the title “ The ‘The Avenger’s Have Feelings Too’ Meeting.” Under that was a heading that read ‘Key Points of Steve’s feels.”

“So, with everything that's been going on, how have you felt?” Pepper asked, giving Steve a calculating look.

“I don't know… Fine, I guess. I think the hardest part for me, personally, other than last night, was a few weeks ago when I walked in on Tony after he had a nightmare,” Steve said, clearly uncomfortable.     (Reference to Chapter 3)

Pepper nodded and wrote that down. “And why was that so hard for you?”

“Well, because I didn't like to see Tony like that. I know how it feels to have nightmares every night, it's awful. And then he was so resistant to te idea of getting help, even from us, which sucked.”

Pepper again nodded. “Is there anything else you would like me to add to your section?” she asked, after writing down a brief summary of what Steve said.

Steve shook his head no, but she added one more thing anyway.

“Steve cares about Tony and his well being very much.”

Steve looked at Tony. “It's true,” he said. “I just want you to get better.”

“Tony, do you still have nightmares?” Pepper asked.

“Yeah, but Jarvis sends an alert to Steve or Bruce, and one of them will help me out,” Tony said.

“So you're saying that telling people about your problems presented a good solution, which you can say has helped you considerably?” Pepper asked.

“I mean, yeah, I guess. The nightmares have been a little easier for me to deal with now, especially after Steve and I talked about some techniques that helped him. They've been working pretty well,” Tony said. “Also, I see what you are doing Ms. Potts, you’re not fooling me.”

“I’m not trying to fool anyone,” Pepper said. “So, who’s next?”

Still, nobody answered.

Pepper sighed. “Do I really have to pick again? Fine. Clint, you’re up!”

The archer groaned when Pepper wrote a new heading, called “Clint’s feels.”

“I guess I just wanted to say that I know what you’re going through. The Loki incident was hard on me too. I mean, my mind was literally taken over.” A pause. “You could’ve talked to me.”

Pepper wrote down “relates to your experiences,” and “wishes you talked” on the document.

“I would have but I just… didn't’ want to burden you with it. It was a weakness, and in my past, every weakness has been used against me. I mean, I’m going to have to make a statement to the public about my personal life because of a weak moment. And all because some mediocre news station wanted to make some more money,” Tony said. He put his head down, and his shoulders slumped like he was under a huge weight.

“Did you really expect me to exploit you like that?” Clint asked, clearly hurt.

“At the time, I guess I probably did, deep down. I have some major trust issues that I probably have to work through,” Tony said. “But I do trust you now.”

“Good,” Clint said.

Pepper wrote “to be trusted” under Clint’s name.

“By the way, if you want, I can probably convince S.H.I.E.L.D to get that taken off of the news for you. As a ‘matter of national security.’ Then it should be easy for you to get the rest of the copies down,” Clint added.

“Please,” Tony said.

Clint nodded and left the room, phone already out as he walked through the door that lead to the kitchen.

“So now we all agree that not trusting your team was stupid, reckless, and self-destructive?” Pepper asked.

“Yeah,” Tony said.

“Good. So I assume I must choose again. I do? Okay. I choose Bruce,” Pepper said, already typing “Bruce’s feels.”

“Didn’t we already deal with me?” Bruce asked.

“Unofficially. Now we’re doing it officially, and more in depth. See? I’m even writing it down,” Pepper said, adding “official and in depth” underneath the title of the document.

“I think Tony’s eccentricities are finally driving you mad,” Bruce commented.

“Oh please, he drove me mad years ago,” Pepper laughed.

“I’m sorry Pep,” Tony said, smiling.

“It’s no big deal. Now Bruce, stop changing the subject. Talk about your feelings,” she said.

“Fine. Tony, seeing you like that on the roof messed me up because I know how dark someone’s world has to be for them to go as far as even thinking of killing themselves, let alone almost go through with it. You have to remember that I’ve been there too, that I understand at least a little bit of what you’re going through,” Bruce said.

Pepper wrote the whole speech down. “Tony, now you respond,” she said.

“I know you were there. And yes, it was a dark moment, but I only made it worse on myself,” Tony said.

“You did what a lot of people with depression do,” Bruce said.

“Yes, but I’m supposed to be a genius,” Tony argued.

“Me too,” Bruce replied.

Pepper wrote down that they were both “stupid geniuses.”

“So Tony, you admit that just seeking help would have been your best course of action?” Pepper asked.

“Yes,” he answered.

Pepper wrote that down.

“Okay, now it’s Natasha’s turn!” Pepper said. “Nat’s feels” was added to the paper.

“I found you like that Tony. I found you on the roof when you almost died. I have nightmares about it still because I can’t even fathom that someone like you can be saved by someone like me. I’ve hurt a lot of people-”

“So have I,” Tony cut in.

“Yeah, but you’ve helped a lot too,” Natasha muttered.

“And you helped save the world in the New York attack. And are you seriously saying that you’ve never helped anyone while working for S.H.I.E.L.D?” Tony asked.

“Yes, but-”

“So why are you putting yourself down. I think that you are an excellent hero and that without you, I might not even be here right now,” Tony said, comforting her.

Pepper wrote “Just as insecure as Tony,” on her document.

“Thanks,” Natasha said. “But still, I can be classified as a bad person-”

“Hey,” Tony said menacingly. “Don’t you dare call my friend a bad person.”

Natasha laughed, and Tony cracked a smile. “You are truly unique Tony Stark.”

“Thank you!”

Pepper had the whole conversation written down, and at the bottom, she wrote that these two trying to comfort each other was “cuter than two puppies cuddling.”

“You two better be friends forever,” Pepper said to them, “or I will be severely disappointed.”

Everyone in the room laughed before Pepper put up her hands to silence them all. “And now it’s my turn,” she said.

Tony looked at her in surprise as she wrote “Pep’s feels” on the paper.

Underneath it, she wrote “I’m very upset that Tony didn’t talk to me sooner, especially before the conference when he had the perfect opportunity during lunch.”

“I’m sorry,” Tony said.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t know about the nightmares, the PTSD or panic attacks. We’re a team Tony, and you kept so many secrets from me. Important ones.”

“I know, and I promise that I’ll tell you everything from now on.” Tony knew that he meant it.

“Well, what I want to know is what your triggers are. What do all of us need to be careful of, so that we don’t throw you into a panic attack?” Pepper asks.

At the bottom of the page, she wrote “Tony’s triggers.”

“Okay. Well, there’s complete darkness. And the cold. Or really, right now, even mentioning it too many times will set me off. You can ask once, but if I tell you to stop, then you really have to stop,” Tony said.

Everyone nodded.

Suddenly, Clint re-entered the room. “Good news,” he said. “S.H.I.E.L.D got it off the news. They are even helping Jarvis sweep the internet for it, and hacking everything and deleting all traces. Pretty soon, it’ll all mostly be gone.”

Tony smiled. “Good,” he said. “A lot of people have seen it, they’ll all want to talk about it.”

“And I’ll help you deal with them,” Pepper said, walking across the room to where Tony was sitting and grabbing his hand.

“We all will,” Steve said from his spot on the couch.

Tony knew that these people would always be there for him. Of course, there would be ups and downs, and it would still be a while before he could say that he was fully over it. And maybe he never would be over it. But that would be okay, because he’d have his friends- no, his family- there to support him through every up and down.

Chapter Text

On the one year anniversary of the day Tony almost jumped, Anthony Edward Stark traveled back up to the roof and sat on the edge, looking out towards the city.

Of course, he had put a railing up there, and the way he sat ensured that he was safe. He had his legs in between two of the metal posts, and his arms slung around a beam.

“What’re you thinking about?” Steve asked. He walked loudly so he didn't frighten the engineer.

“How far I’ve come,” Tony replied, not looking as the captain took a seat next to him. “This morning, Jarvis told me a year ago today I almost died at my own hand. Of course, I asked him to tell me, but it was still a surprise.”

“Do you regret not going through with it?” Steve knew it was a dangerous question, one he might not like the answer to, but he knew that Tony should talk. He held up on his promises that he wouldn’t get professional help.

“Sometimes,” Tony replied truthfully, sucking in a breath of the crisp air. He glanced at Steve and saw his friend following his lead and breathing deeply. “But then I think about all of the things that are worth living for, and I come up with a list.” Sigh. “It’s not always a long one, but if there’s anything on there, I tell Jarvis to lock me in my lab and contact someone to watch me.”

“That’s good,” Steve said. “And if there’s nothing there?”

“There will always be something worth living for Capsicle, sometimes we just gotta search for it,” Tony answered.

“What kind of things are there?”

“Feeling down?” Tony asked, looking his friend in the eye for the first time.

“Not in that way. I just want to know how you think. I’m trying to understand you,” Steve said.

Tony felt laughter fill him, bubbling out and filling the air with the sounds of his joy. “And how has that been going?”

“To be honest? Easier than you might think,” Steve said, surprising even himself with the declaration. “You’re  not as cryptic as you like to think.”

“Oh really? How do I think then? Please, evaluate me,” Tony smiled as he spoke. In the past, hearing that would have been upsetting, and he would’ve put up his walls and fortified them even heavier. Now he just felt happy that people were stubborn enough to get through and see the real him.

“You’re damaged,” Steve began.

“Woah, starting off a bit strong, don’t you think?”

“Let me finish,” Steve replied. “You’re damaged, but you don’t let it stop you. You’re stubborn in a way that is endlessly frustrating, but at the same time it’s admirable because you always stand up for what you believe in. If someone you care about is in danger, you will fight to your last breath to get them back. You are as generous as you are spoiled, and you would spare no expense to keep anyone safe, especially your family.” Steve almost didn’t say family, but he felt the word fit.

“You guys are my family, aren’t you?” Tony said. “We’ve been through a lot together, Steve Rogers.”

“We sure have.”

The two men sat in silence together, one looking off at the sun shining off of the buildings and enjoying that he was still alive to witness it, and the other overjoyed that he was too.

“It’s weird, coming up here again,” Tony stated suddenly. “I’m even closer to the edge than before, my legs are literally dangling off the edge. Yet, I feel more grounded. I know I won’t fall this time.”

“You didn’t fall last time,” Steve reminded him.

“True, but still. Of all the times I almost died, that is the most memorable,” Tony laughed.

“It is.” Steve stood up. “Want to come inside? We’re setting up a movie.”

“Sure, I’ll come up in a minute. Just give me a bit,” Tony said, not moving to get up.

“Okay, I’ll tell them to wait,” Steve smiled as he turned around.

“Thanks,” Tony whispered, but he knew the super soldier heard him. As the footsteps grew fainter as they walked further away, Tony spoke again. “Hey, Steve?”

“Yeah?” Steve turned around at the doorway that would lead him to the stairs inside.

Tony pulled away from the edge of the building and stood up, looking at Steve for a moment before speaking. He took in the baby blue eyes, always filled with concern for others. The man before him was so great, so good, and he chose to work and live with Tony Stark.

Tony Stark, the man who used to build weapons, who was responsible for the loss of countless innocent lives, who was probably more trouble than he was worth. Who was still sometimes called the merchant of death.

“You’re one of the reasons,” he said finally.

“What?” Steve asked, not understanding at first.

“You asked me what kinds of reasons I had. You. You are a reason to stick around,” Tony said.

“Tony, you are a reason to stick around too.”

+++

On the two year anniversary of the day Tony almost jumped, he was feeling down.

The Avengers had been called in a lot, and they were facing a losing streak.

And Tony blamed himself for most of them. To him, it was always because his reaction time was too slow, it was because he hadn’t made the suit strong enough to withstand that hit.

So when there was a giant robot falling from the sky, Tony thought about flying under it. He thought he was just burdening the team, and saw a way out.

So when he tried to go through with the thought, it was a crushing sight for everyone else to see.

--- (Flashback)---

“Sir, may I ask why you just turned off your com?” Jarvis asked cautiously.

“Mute,” Tony instructed his AI with a shaking voice.

There was only the sound of the wind whipping past as he flew the suit straight towards the ginormous limp bot falling from the sky.

“Iron Man, what are you doing?” Steve yelled into his comm when he saw the flashy metal suit shooting itself towards the quickly descending figure. “We’ve gotten the bot offline and there’s nothing underneath its body. Get back over here, now!” When he saw that the man in the suit was not turning around, and there was no response, he tried again. “Iron Man, did you hear me? That was an order!” Still no reaction. Usually Tony would at least make some sarcastic response about taking orders. This silence was unnerving.

Quickly, he pulled out his phone. “Jarvis?” He said into the app Tony had made in his one of a kind Stark Phone.

“I believe Sir Tony is in danger of hurting himself,” was the only response the AI gave him.

“Hulk, go grab Tony now,”  Steve yelled, a hint of hysteria creeping into his voice.

He watched silently along with Clint and Natasha as the giant green form of the Hulk bounded off towards Tony Stark. It was difficult, but soon he caught him. Tony struggled, but soon the Hulk had grabbed Tony out of the air and was running back towards the rest of the Avengers.

When they reached them, Steve immediately clung to the iron suit in fear he would try to take off again. He pressed the emergency release button that only the Avengers knew about, and the faceplate opened up, revealing the broken eyes of Tony Stark.

“What the hell was that?” Steve growled, even though he already knew the answer. They all knew the answer.

“I- I don’t know,” Tony said blankly.

He had relapsed into a state he hadn’t been in for two years.

“First, we’re getting you to medical. Then we are going to talk. You need help, Tony. After all this time, you’re still facing your demons, and I need to know that we’re doing something, anything, to kill them,” Steve said.

“Okay,” was Tony’s only response.

---(Flashback over)---

+++

The three year anniversary was also Tony’s last weekly appointment with his therapist. He had spent the last year meeting with her once every week, and a PTSD counselor once every other week.

And he had gotten better.

Of course, he could still call and make an appointment any time with either of them, but for now, the annual ones were done. He agreed to meet on the last week of every month with his therapist, but that was only if he felt he needed to talk.

He felt lighter after his final goodbye to the doctor.

When he came home after the appointment, he was greeted by his teammates, and a movie night all set up.

This time, he accepted the invitation into the fort.

+++

Four years, and Tony rarely ever thought about the portal. He had nightmares occasionally, but he was usually able to chase them away, and if it was too much, Steve or Bruce would still come to help him. Lately, even Natasha or Clint would come.

+++

After all of that time, and Tony’s life was the same and it was different in many ways.

He still went on missions, and Steve was still over controlling on the battlefield. Tony was still uneasy around silent situations, or ones where he would be in complete darkness, with his Arc reactor covered. He still had the occasional nightmares.

But now, he had people who he would always consider his family. He had Pepper by his side always, and the Avengers, his family, would always be there for him.

Tony would always have the scars that the portal left him with, but as long as these people were with him, no matter what, Tony was sure he would get through.

+++