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There’s a smile tugging at her lips as she slips quietly into your dorm room, pulling her cardigan a little tighter around her body. Your room is dim and she trips slightly over one of the shoes on your floor, falling against you slightly, but even when she’s regained her balance, she doesn’t pull back, instead looping her arms around your shoulders and smiling at you, whispering “sorry about the hold up, love. Ms Dowley was hanging around in my corridor so I couldn’t come sooner.” You stifle a giggle as you lean around her to nudge your door shut before pulling her back to flop down on your bed beside you. Roxy sighs happily and leans her head against your shoulder as you reach over the side of your bed for your laptop, pulling it out and opening Netflix.
“What episode were we on?” you ask and she shrugs.
“Four I think. Not sure,” she replies. “we were definitely past episode two, so just start on three or something,” she suggests and you nod. The show starts up and you can feel Roxy’s breath on your neck. You’ve seen it all before but she hasn’t and you insisted she had to see it. Said it was a vital component of her pop culture knowledge. ‘And besides,’ you had said, ‘we get to spend time together while you watch it.’
She hadn’t needed any more convincing.
Roxy is focused on the screen balanced on your lap, but she shifts slightly to thread her fingers through yours when you reach for her hand. It’s soft and warm and even though you’re well aware of all the incredible feats of strength she’s capable, her hand still feels delicate. You’re not sure whether she’s your girlfriend. Neither of you have really talked about it, but a few weeks ago your best friend had kissed you and you had kissed her back, even through your surprise. Not a whole lot has changed between the two of you since then, except now she kisses you when she’s happy and you hold her hand a little more often. Never in front of other people, though. Even though you haven’t talked about it, you both know this is something just for the two of you.
You’re okay with that, though. If it means you can keep her, you’re okay with it being a secret.
You’ve lost track of what’s actually happening on screen, but it doesn’t matter because you’ve seen it before. Beside you, Roxy bites back a laugh, burying her face against your shoulder to muffle the sound, pulling back after a second to kiss your cheek, murmuring “you were right. I really should have seen this show sooner.” She settles a little closer against you and squeezes your hand briefly, making your heart flip. Her hair is soft against your neck and you can smell her shampoo and for a moment, you can’t quite believe this is happening; that you’re allowed to have something like this.
After two episodes, she makes you stick a post it to your laptop with the number scrawled on it so you remember what episode you finished on for next time. She kisses you softly and slowly before giving you a bright smile and slipping back out of your dorm room. You watch her smile at you as she closes your door as silently as possible and you decide you’ll keep finding tv shows she hasn’t seen just to keep giving her reasons to sneak into your room after lights out.
The school dining hall is crowded and noisy as the senior years students filter through to get their lunch. You’re toying idly with your food, but your absent-minded day dreaming is interrupted when Roxy sits down in front of you, a bright smile on her face. She nudges your foot with her own to get your attention and as you belatedly smile back at her, you remember how hard she fought to be a boarder at the school a few years ago. Her parents wanted her to be a day student, because they lived near the campus and they wanted her to pursue all these extracurriculars, but she had told you how she’d kicked up a hissy fit until they’d agreed to let her board. “My house is close enough that I could have been a day student, but I told them boarding was a better experience,” she had told you as you braided her hair. “And besides, this way I’m not trapped at home all the time. We can hang out more. Plus, I’d be a rubbish best friend if I let you face the horrible matrons alone.”
You had tugged lightly on her hair and said “We already hang out tons. You basically live in my dorm.”
Roxy had just turned around and flashed you a wide smile that made you freeze up momentarily, unable to think properly as she stuck her tongue out at you and retorted “only because you invite me over all the time.”
You blink suddenly out of your remembrance as she gently kicks your shin again. “Were you even listening?”
Heat floods your cheeks and you smile sheepishly and say “No. Sorry Rox. What did you say?” She rolls her eyes and sighs, even as she smiles indulgently at you.
“I saaaid,” she draws the word out, “that I have a comp on Saturday afternoon. A track thing a little way away. You should come. I want you to come. Then we can go hang out at my house instead of in the dorms after.”
You groan in mock resignation and say “I hate watching track events, though. You’re just dashing around a circle a few times and occasionally someone throws something.”
Roxy grins at you again and reaches for your hand across the table, squeezing it lightly and saying “Pleeease? I want you there.” Her voice is light and a little teasing but there’s something in her smile and the way her hand lingers on yours a little longer than a friend’s might have that makes your cheeks heat up again.
“Okay, Roxanne. I’ll come watch you hamster pointlessly around an oval for a few hours as long I can come back to your place after.” She lights up in a delighted grin that makes your chest tighten.
“Perfect. You’ll have fun. I’ll bring a thermos of tea or something so you’re not just freezing in the stands,” she says excitedly and even though you’ve had almost this exact conversation a million times, and even though the outcome is always the same, you can’t help but be a little excited that she wants you there.
You’ve been to Roxy’s house before, but no matter how many times you come over, you’ll always be a little stunned by the grandeur of the entry hall. Roxy’s holding your hand and she drags you impatiently up the stairs and down the corridor to her room. You perch on the corner of her bed as she turns on the heating and kicks off her shoes. “Thank you for coming to the thing,” she says as she tosses her track back into a corner. “I know it’s freezing and I know track bores you but it’s nice to have you there.” You try to tell her that of course you came, but the words die in your throat as Roxy unceremoniously strips off her jumper and kicks off her trackies, standing in her sports bra and decidedly tiny running shorts as she takes her hair down before reaching for her towel. It’s not like you haven’t seen her like this before, but every time, it makes you a little flustered. She’s a short girl, but she’s somehow all leg and she’s gorgeous and it’s a little hard for you to process that even though she could probably have anyone she wanted, she decided she wanted you. Grabbing her towel and tossing it over her shoulder, she leans down to kiss you quickly, saying “I’ll be five minutes,” before disappearing into her bathroom. You hear the water start running and your hand comes up to brush your fingertips lightly over your lips. She always seems to know exactly what she’s doing, and you feel like you’re a human disaster in comparison, but she doesn’t seem to mind how messy your life is and the affection you can feel in the way she touches you makes the static in your mind go quiet, so all you can do is be grateful that she doesn’t mind your disorganisation.
The boarding house on a Sunday evening is always full of other girls hurrying up and down the corridor, trying to clean their rooms before matron starts inspection. Roxy’s room is infallibly spotless, so she’s perched on your unmade bed while you vacuum the floor. She’s in her pyjamas and her hair is braided meticulously and you wonder how someone can look so perfectly put together when relaxing. She’s chattering animatedly about someone on the athletics team with her, but you’re only half listening. The vacuum is ancient and kind of shit, and it cuts out about every two minutes or so, and every time you kick it and swear at it, Roxy giggles and the sound makes you feel like you’re glowing with happiness at making her laugh. You were best friends for years before, and you’ve been making her laugh since you met, but it’s different now you know that if you make her laugh, she might kiss you. The third or so time you curse at the vacuum, she lets out a delighted laugh and reaches out to grab your wrist, pulling you in to kiss you quickly, saying “you’re absurd, you know that right?”
You don’t miss the way she glances quickly to see if the door’s shut before she pulls you in, but you don’t mind. It’s not that you’re ashamed, and she isn’t either, but it’s easier for you both this way. No awkward questions or sideways glances when you spend time together. It’s just easier. You glance at the door when you pull back and she gives you a smile that’s a little bittersweet. Flipping your hand in hers, you link your fingers together and squeeze briefly before letting go and leaning down to try and wrangle the vacuum cleaner again. There’s a reluctant rumble from the machine and it starts up again and the short interlude or whatever it was between the two of you is gone. It doesn’t matter that what you have is secret, as long as it’s shared.
Staring blankly down at your economics notebook, you decide that the class is significantly less interesting without your best friend beside you. You’re not entirely sure that ‘best friend’ is the most accurate title for whatever you and Roxy are to each other at the moment, but it’s what you’ve called her for longest, so it’s what you call her in your mind. She’s is at a trials and preliminary heats for some big serious athletics thing today, and you’re stuck at school without her and it’s tremendously boring. Not that I’d be having a whole lot more fun at the athletics thing, you think, but at least I could talk to Roxy in her breaks. But instead you’re stuck at school and she’s running laps around a track and won’t be back till late this evening. Letting out a bored sigh, you absently turn the page in your text book and tune out the droning voice of the teacher as you try to decide whether or not to skip the final couple of classes you have left in the day. Roxy left before you woke up that morning and she said in the text she sent you earlier that she wouldn’t be back till a fair while after lights out. It’s been barely over twelve hours since you last saw her but a little voice in the back of your mind says you miss her, even though that feels ridiculous. You glance up at the clock and as the seconds tick at an agonizingly slow pace you decide you should probably show up to your final two classes, but you definitely won’t be productive there. Checking your phone again, you send a quick text to Roxy.
“Eco is hell without you. Hope running in circles all day is worth it.”
You don’t get the chance to look at the time when you’re woken up that night by Roxy sliding under your blankets beside you, but you suspect it’s closer to midnight than she wanted to be back. You’re still mostly asleep as you reflexively shift over to give her enough room in the bed and she tucks her head against your neck. Her hair is damp from a shower and you can smell her shampoo and she whispers “sorry about waking you. Just wanted to say hi. The stupid bus broke down so we only got back like thirty minutes ago.”
A smile tugs at your lips as you roll slightly so you’re facing her and you murmur “you’d have thought all the school fees we pay would get us better busses,” and she bites back a laugh, reaching up to tap the end of your nose lightly.
“Don’t be ridiculous. All those school fees go to the rowing club and only the rowing club. A little for the rugby team, but other than that, nothing,” she quips and it’s your turn to stifle a laugh. Her hand settles against your cheek, thumb skimming over your cheekbone and she says softly “is it weird that I sort of missed you today? I didn’t get to see you this morning before I had to leave.”
Her words make your heart flip in your chest and you smile at her, feeling like you’re all lit up as you say quietly “I missed you too, Rox. I nearly died of boredom in eco and it was weird not having breakfast with you.” She gives you a smile that makes it very hard to think properly before she’s leaning forwards to press her lips to yours. You drape an arm over her waist and kiss her back slowly, savouring the feeling of her warmth in the bed beside you. Even though you technically live together, it’s rare that the two of you get any kind of real alone time, given the general lack of respect for privacy in boarding houses. Roxy pulls back after a while and smiles sleepily at you.
“Okay it’s bed time now. Today was long.” She kisses you quickly once more before slipping out from under the covers, saying “I just wanted to see you before I went to sleep.” She tiptoes out of your room, closing the door silently behind her and when you settle back against your pillow, you can still smell her shampoo on it.
The rest of your boarding house is used to the sight of you and Roxy curled up together on the couch on weekends, but these days it feels like a private joke for just the two of you, that no one else is in on. You’re leaning against the arm of the couch with your legs stretched across her lap and she’s idly playing with your fingers as you watch a Veronica Mars re-run on the common room tv. No one thinks it’s out of the ordinary, but the affectionate look you give her and the way she brushes her fingertips over the back of your hand tell you that it’s very different to the way you two would curl up together a few months ago. She’s your girlfriend now, not just your best friend, and even though in your head you still call her your best friend most of the time, you know the difference. It’s still a secret, but daydreams of kissing her after the graduation ceremony flit through your head and from the almost wistful, contemplative way she studies your face, you think maybe it’s on her mind too.
Almost a month ago, you had tentatively raised the subject of your relationship, and as you had almost reluctantly mentioned the word ‘girlfriend’, Roxy lit up. The conversation had been easier than you’d worried it would be. The less easy conversation was when she hesitantly brought up the clandestine component of your relationship. She had been lying with her head in your lap and she said quietly “I’m not-I’m not ashamed of you. I could never be. But-god, I don’t know-being out is scary to me, a little, I guess.” Her voice had been soft and a little sad and a little wistful, and the far off look in her eye made your heart ache as you gently brushed her hair back from her forehead and told her that you understood. That you felt the same way. Her eyes had been a little glassy as she smiled back at you after that.
You’re only a few months from graduation and exams are just around the corner, and Roxy is stressed and so are you, but she calms you down when everything gets overwhelming and panicky, and you drag her out of her sleepless, distant mathematical hazes when she needs it. It’s a good system, and on the weekends sometimes the two of you take leave from campus and stay at her house a few kilometres away for the breathing room being out of the boarding house gives you. On these nights, you share a bed and she presses close against you as you fall asleep together and being away from school makes you think of uni, and sometimes when you’re feeling brave you imagine living together properly. In an apartment of your own, not worrying about keeping secrets or exams or teachers. It’s a dream that hangs suspended in the tantalizing space that’s close enough to tempt you but just barely out of reach. Roxy is asleep in your arms and you press a kiss to her temple and think about the future.