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When Sebastian's eyes opened he was only half aware that he was in fact in his flat and completely unaware of when he had fallen asleep at all. The man who had given him his “medicine” had warned him about the rather, untactful side effects of this mix but Sebastian was far past the point of heeding his advice.
"My, my, what a pitiful thing you've become without me."
His insides boiled at these words, at that voice, but his expression remained blank. Slowly, he turned his head, allowing his glazed over eyes to see the one face he dreaded and dreamed for.
"Well then," The voice said again, "Where’s my hello?"
His heart was clenching, yet pounding so hard in his chest he thought it would burst free and escape.
"Jim."
This was what he let escape.
Jim smiled. “So you do remember. Proves you didn't kill all your brain cells off at least.”
Kill.
That word begged the bile in his stomach to escape along with what ever else he had swallowed in his drugged haze. Sebastian held himself calm though. Or rather the drugs he had injected however long ago held his expression still and blank, regardless of what he felt. He wanted to scream, to cry- to do anything- but he remained still.
"Say it." He said softly, causing a confused expression to cross Jim’s face.
"Say what exactly?"
The corner of Sebastian's mouth twitched.
"What you always say, or are we playing that this time?"
Jim’s face twisted into something of half confusion half rage. “What are you-“
"I killed you."
Jim froze.
"I killed you. It’s my fault you’re dead." Sebastian turned his head away from Jim, eyes trailing to the empty wall in front of him. "If I had just..If I had just been better.."
Tears began to fall from his eyes but he payed them no mind and continued to talk.
"I’m no good, I never have been. You’re dead because I can’t do a thing right." He continued on, knowing what this hallucination wanted: he had played this game before.
"You tried to fix me, but I can’t be fixed. It wasn't the war, or my parents, it wasn't anything but me- I’m nothing good, and I never will be. But you, you saw something you could fix. You saw something you could mold into something worth a fuck and I couldn't even-"
Arms surrounded him now, arms he hadn't felt for almost a year. This wasn't what was suppose to happen. Jim was suppose to agree; hate him, point out how worthless he was, tell him it was his fault he was dead. Sebastian didn't understand, his mind couldn't clear to see this was Jim, his Jim.
This time Sebastian remembered falling asleep, because this time he didn't need drugs, he didn't dream of the war, or his parents or death. This time he dreamed of Jim holding him close and whispering again and again that he wouldn't leave again, that he was sorry, that he loved Sebastian too.
The next morning his eyes were filled with uncontrollable tears once more,
This time it was real.