Work Text:
Don’t Mess with the Q
Q loved waking up in his flat. The older building had tall windows with divided light panes. They were so tall that he only had to curtain the lower half and leave the upper half exposed and open. No one would be able to see into his flat but the rooms were flooded with natural light.
Q laid in his bed gazing at the beautiful blue March sky. Last night he and James fell asleep with the sound of a gently spring rain hitting the windows, but this morning the city looked scrubbed clean. March was still cool in London and the flat had a chill to it, but Q was warm. He was snuggled under the duvet, encased in his lover’s embrace. Q couldn’t quite understand how the MI6 assassin morphed into an octopus during the night but he had. Two arms felt like four and the number of legs seemed to have tripled as they tangled with his. It was heaven.
James Bond, England not so secret agent, had been away for two and half months. Q was not to ask any questions and James was to act like he didn’t know Q had hacked into the MI6 mainframe to keep track of the agent while he was away. James had returned from Timar forty-eight hours ago and after 12 hours of debriefings and meeting at the Leggoland, he spent the next 36 hours trying to keep Q in bed. The first fifteen hours he was back in Q’s flat, he wouldn’t leave the young man’s side, which made bathroom trips awkward.
The mission had been successful with limited damage, at least to Bond. A burned down tea plantation house and a blown up forty foot yacht was considered minor in regards to the destruction left in the wake of James’ normal excursions out of the country.
James had returned on an adrenaline high and Q barely had the door shut before James was undressing him and kissing, nipping at Q’s skin. The two had proceeded to shag on every available surface in the flat. At one point, James was laying on top of Q who was being rather vocal when Chell, the ferret, ran up James back and bit him on the ear, before scurrying off. James never stopped his rocking into Q as he roared at her. Cursing her very existence. Q couldn’t help himself, laughing as his climax hit him hard.
Now in the warmth of the bed, Q looked at the beautiful blue sky. He shifted closer into James, the agent responding by tightening his grip on the hacker. “Morning gorgeous,” James whispered into Q’s ear. He placed a soft gently kiss to the shell of Q’s ear, then readjusted his body to pull Q closer.
“Morning.” Q tried to spin in James’ arms but the man held him still. “Are you going to let me out of bed today?”
“Only if you give me a viable reason.”
“Viable? Like what?”
James smirked, “Zombie apocalypse.”
Q laughed.
“How about you let me feed Chell and Gordon, or she’ll be back in here for seconds.”
“Not if I get to my gun first!”
“James no!” Q gasped. James huffed out a laugh. He squeezed the young man kissing his neck. Q tried to move away. “Let me up so I can feed them. Besides Alan is down stairs.”
“So?” James didn’t let go of Q.
“Can’t you smell? He’s baking today. How about some nice hot fresh baked pasties for breakfast?”
James smiled. He loosened his grip and Q shifted to leave the bed. Before Q lifted the duvet to crawl out, James grabbed him and pulled him backwards. James pinned the man down using his body and kissed him passionately. Licking his way into Q’s mouth, continuing the kiss till he felt Q surrender to him. Melting into the agent’s body.
Lifting his head from Q, James whispered, “Nothing to sweet. Coffee and hurry back.” James rolled off Q’s body smiling. Q laid there for a moment trying to comprehend what the mad man, his lover, had just done to him.
“Bastard,” Q muttered trying to regain himself.
“Always.”
Q huffed as he threw the duvet not just off himself but also James. He grabbed his blue jeans laying on the floor and a white t-shirt. As he slipped the shirt on, James moved across the bed towards him. James let his hand move up Q’s back and down his right arm.
“You’re muscling up,” James said, almost as a question.
Q shifted to look at James over his shoulder. “Alec started teaching me some wrestling moves.”
“Wrestling moves?”
“You know, how to wrestle out of different holds.” Q explained. “I’m keeping up with the judo too, don’t worry.”
James smiled. He and Alec had both decided Q needed to know more self-defense if he was going to be in a relationship with them. They both worked with Q to teach him shooting and hand to hand.
“Remind me to show you some wrestling moves I learned in Brazil.” James laughed as he laid down pulling the duvet back over his body. He propped his hands behind his head and stared at Q. The young hacker lifter an eyebrow and smirked.
“Brazil?”
“Oh yea, very useful.”
******
Q smiled as he bounded down the stairs to the Nova Prospekt Café. Alan Siegal, the original owner who Q bought the café from, came in early every day to bake the selections for the café. The hallways and stairs smelled of baking bread and rolls. Is was divine.
Sapphire, the young woman who worked the counter in the café would have the espresso machine up and running by now. Q would get a cup of espresso for James and tea for himself and whatever Alan had just pulled out of the ovens.
Q stepped around the corner of the hidden staircase and into an armed robbery. Alan stood still with his arms raised above his head, as a teenage boy pointed a revolver at him. The teenager maybe seventeen but more likely younger, was dressed in black jeans and a jumper. He had a ball cap on and a dark blue windcheater. He shook the gun in fear when he noticed Q and quickly turned the gun on him.
“Shite,” Q said softly to himself.
Sapphire yelped as the kid started waving the gun between the three of them. She took a step towards Q and reached out to grab his arm.
“Don’t move!’’ the kid shouted. “Give me the money!”
Q looked down at the revolver then back at the boy. He knew the kid was probably just as scared as they were, but revolvers don’t come with safeties. The kid could hurt someone intentionally or not if he jerked his hand at the wrong moment. ‘Oh fuck,’ Q thought, ‘James is upstairs in bed. Did James hear any of this? Is James on his way down? Would he accidently walk into a robbery as Q had? Oh that would be perfect karma, for James to have survive gun battles and explosions and torture in foreign countries to die in a random act of violence in his own county.’ Q listened hard, trying to decide if James was working his way down the steps, praying James was still warm and sleeping up stairs.
“I said give me the fucking money, old man!” the kid shouted again.
“I told you, there’s no money here, yesterday’s receipts were deposited,” Alan tried to explain.
“How? The banks were closed!”
“Night deposit.”
The kid became frantic and pistol whipped Alan across the side of his head. The old man collapsed to the floor as blood soon covered his face. Sapphire screamed at the violence. She was shaking bad and tried to run away. The kid screamed at her, “Shut the fuck up and give me the money!”
‘Well if that didn’t bring James running nothing would.’ Q thought. Just then the espresso machine reached temperature and let out a loud hiss as steam vented at the top. The teenager spun quickly to the noise passing the gun in front of Q and away from Sapphire.
Q reacted quickly. By his left hand, on the counter was the kettle of hot water used for teas. It was already boiling hot. Q grabbed the glass kettle off the element and threw the water, pot and all at the boy’s chest and right arm. The robber screamed out in pain, dropping the gun.
Q immediately went into the fighting stance Alec and James had taught him. Rocking up onto the balls of his feet, upper arms close to his ribs, forearms in front protecting his chest. The teenager turned to Q, his face was contorted in anger and pain. He started to yell something and lunge at Q. The hacker planted his left foot and twisted right. He executed a perfect round house kick into the teenager’s face. Q felt bone give way under the impact. The teenager stumbled back and collapsed to the floor, sliding down the cabinets. Q landed back into a fighting stance, hands raised, ready to punch if necessary. It wasn’t. The robber was unconscious on the floor, blood seeping out of his nose.
James came around the corner of the hidden stair case, Walther drawn, not a stitch of clothing on. The agent assessed the situation quickly, two men down, Sapphire hysterical, and Q grinning at him like a monkey.
“Q?”
“James,” Q said softly. “Maybe you could call the police after you put your pants on“
”You’ve got everything under control?”
“Oh yea, I’ll bring breakfast up after I clean up down here.”
*********
There wasn’t much of a breakfast. Unfortunately the rolls were burnt in the oven. All but forgotten by everyone. Sapphire and Alan were placed in an ambulance. The teenage thief into another having suffered a broken jaw. Q had place the closed sign in the window of the café. The members of the hacker space started coming in and knocking on the door, but Q just shook his head at them. The police constable eyed over the various member and turned back to Q.
“You know sir, we recommend you not fight back against an armed robber. You were very lucky you were not injured,” the PC said blandly. “It’s not like you’re a trained assassin.”
“Oh” Q tried not to smile but glanced quickly at James, now dressed and leaning causally against the wall. Q knew the Walther was safely secured at the small of his back. James had given the police the name of Richard Sterling, International Exports, instead of his real name and occupation. No reason to get MI6 involved in this or Q on their radar.
“Yes next time just remain calm and don’t try to be the hero,” the officer said folding way his note pad. “Remember, this isn’t some spy movie or a detective story.”
Q bit the inside of his cheek trying desperately to not laugh. “Okay.”
The officer left and James helped Q clean up the broken glass and throw away the burnt pasties. As they walked up the stairs, James said, “I’ll let Alec know you have taken your self-defense classes seriously. We were a bit worried.”
“And here I was only thinking you were doing them to give yourself a reason to grope me.”
James laughed, “That reminds me. Brazilian wrestling moves.”
Q started laughing too.