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Snape was night lurking again. He often couldn’t sleep and walked the halls. He had come across Luna Lovegood huddled in a dark window alcove. She was so intent, so focused on her task, she had not heard him and he saw the glass and the blood against her thigh before she realized he was there. He was not sure why she didn’t find a more secure place. Was she daring herself to get found or was she that desperate to do it at that moment regardless of where she was. Professor Snape instructed Miss Lovegood to follow him back to his rooms.
“Wait here please Luna. “ Snape told her when they arrived and quickly disappeared down a dark side hall where she heard door open and close. Luna was surprised at this familiar use of her given name rather than the formal Miss Lovegood and that he hadn’t commanded but said it more politely. That was not his style and Luna was unsure if it made her feel easier or more uncomfortable.
She stood gazing about the room which was sparse with little decoration. She hadn’t been invited to sit so she stood awkwardly by a large uncomfortable looking chair in Slytherin green. A few minutes later she heard the door click and her Professor emerged from the hall wearing a black zip front hoodie and running shorts with the Slytherin House crest in a green that seemed to glow. She was surprised he even owned such clothes and her surprise would soon turn to shock.
He made a gesture and the dim lights brightened as he let the unzipped sweat jacket fall back off his shoulders and slide down his arms. He was wearing a black sleeveless t-shirt under it. As her eyes adjusted, what she saw stunned her more than she could have said. Professor Snape’s arms and thighs were covered in scars that Luna knew in an instant were self-inflicted. Most were old and faded but a couple appeared more recent including one in a similar place to what she had just done.
It was the last thing she expected and she sat down abruptly on the hard chair behind her as if she had been struck.
“Show me you arms and legs Luna.” It was more of a command this time but a gentle one.
Luna did as asked. Rolling up her loose sleeves above the elbow and gathered her loose filmy skirts half way up her thigh though some were higher. She didn’t think he was looking for a thrill but there was only so much she wanted to show.
Professor Snape slowly rolled up the lower portion of his shirt. Here his scars were worse. In that place the jagged scars were a word, “unworthy” it read and he must have used a mirror so anyone seeing him without a shirt would see it like a warning label. There were a couple wounds he was worrying or intentionally not letting heal.
Severus looked at her scars with an understanding sympathy few would comprehend. He hadn’t said a thing yet told her volumes. Luna had never thought to meet another soul who did this to themselves let alone an esteemed straight laced professor who was so learned.
Her fresh cut still bled. Snape silently handed her a handkerchief that was black. Luna wiped the rivulet that had run down her leg in silence. He drew over a small stool and sat in front of her so their heads were on the same level.
“There are wounds of the spirit we can never heal.” He told her. He had not drawn down the shirt. He wanted her aware of his weakness and vulnerability. She knew few people ever saw his pain like this. Luna looked at the dark mark on his left forearm. There were even a few scars there. Were they done before or after she wondered. Still he said nothing else but took her hands. Not as a lover would but as bond of conspirators. His pain radiated through her as his dark eyes searched her pale ones and through that touch hers to him. They saw each other blankly, openly in a way wizards could block another from reading if they chose, but neither did. Their souls were unmasked and naked to one another. She gasped. Severus held nothing back though she knew he could have if he wanted. She knew she could not have, she hadn’t the skill to hold back (but perhaps she should ask him to teach her sometimes, she like him, wanted this hidden.)
“I am not sure how prevalent this is in the wizarding world. I’ve talked to muggles who do this and even their doctors. It’s so much easier for us to hide and heal ourselves than muggles and the older and more skilled you get, the easier it gets to hide the damage. Only two people in this castle know and the headmaster is not one. Only those I felt forced to ask for help for damage that was far too great for me to deal with alone. I often I went around as the hidden walking wounded, too ashamed of myself to ask for help. Those are the ones that leave the worst scars and eventually even a wizard’s ability fails after hitting the same spot and some I cursed so they would never fade or heal properly.” He looked away from her momentarily as if to collect his thoughts. “So I started to hide them that way, the same place over and over the worst ones with a story,” He looked at her remorsefully. “I won’t tell you not to. Or lecture you. I know there is no point but I promise to be here if you ever wish to talk. Maybe even that will give some solace. Nor will I tell you something as trite as ‘do as I say not as I do’, though I strongly do not recommend what I’ve done to my abdomen… but it’s the most effective means of damage control I’ve managed to come up with over the years as I’ve tried to reduce it. If I were a muggle I’d be dead from it by now.” He gave her a studying pause.
“What about your father? Does he know?” Professor Snape asked more gently than she could have imagined.
“Sometimes I think he suspects something but no, and he’s often so distracted. It would break his heart again if I told him Professor.”
“Call me Severus when you are here, please Luna? My status and formality are without meaning in this situation.”
“But they are, sir. You are still here. You have managed and excelled at a career. You made what I know was a hard choice in telling me this when you caught me tonight. I admire you for that. There is bravery in it different from wars.”
“When did this start Luna?”
“After my mother died,” she couldn’t bring herself to call him Severus.
“I’m sorry. We both have that in common. Those things mark us deeply and I know you are also not always treated the best by your schoolmates…but I just had never thought...” He trailed off.
“I’m sorry you saw but I’m also sorry we are so alike if that makes any sense.” She looked at him with her wide blue eyes.
“Yes it does, you don’t like to see anyone else hurting. I have just blocked myself not to feel it. Has anyone else at Hogwart's noticed the scars?”
“Not really I’m always very careful when and where I wash or get changed and I have found some spells myself to help. Excuses are easy I say something outlandish and people shake their head at me and pull away or I blame it on a childhood accident. One or two might suspect but find it easier to ignore.”
“You have to be careful with them Luna or the lies get tangled in the lies till you don’t know which truth you’ve told to whom. Then you discoverer it’s easier to just limit your familiarity with formality. Keep an arm’s length away or more, show distain for everything. Then no one wants to ask. You’ve drawn your line so clearly there is no question of anyone crossing it.” He paused frowning. “I don’t want to see you as far down this road as I am at my age.” Severus told her as he pressed his forehead against hers. If they were lovers they would have kissed. Then he embraced her but it was like a brother or a best friend who knows the worst about you yet loves you still. Luna could never have imagined she would feel so connected and close to this distant off putting man. She understood so much more now of why he was like that. Luna held him a moment more it felt so relieving and comforting to have someone understand.
“People who find out don’t understand that you don’t do this because you want to die, you do it because you want to live and it is the only way you’ve figured out how to do that, same as I have.” He looked very sad as he said that and Luna was sad she may have added to his burden with her own. “Come talk any time you want. Any. Your secret is safe with me and I hope mine with you. We can make the unbreakable vow if you wish it.”
Luna shook her head realizing he was crying. Cold hard Professor Severus Snape was crying. She thought to wipe way his tears with the handkerchief he’d handed her but realized how soiled it was so tucked it in her pocket with the broken bit of her mother’s mirror she used for cutting and wiped his tears with the cuff of her blouse which she’d let fall back into place. She hadn’t realized she was crying as well till he wiped away her tears with his hands since it was the only thing he had.
“The damaged ones are dangerous, they know how to survive. Have you heard that saying dear? It fits us.”
“It does…Severus.” Luna told him finally managing to use his given name. “I’m sorry if I added to your worries. I didn’t mean too.” She looked into those unfathomable dark eyes with her pale ones and he took her hands and stood her up.
“I hope I’ll see you again soon dear Luna, this was a relief to me as well. There is so much more to say, but I must send you on your way. It's very late. Seek me out to talk about anything, troubles with your peers or a potions problem or other school work. I’ll still make you work those out on your own with guidance I can give. I wish I could walk you back to your dormitory.” He told her. But she knew as well it was better not to, he had risked enough.
Luna gave Severus a final hug and he stroked her white blond hair. He smelled of strange herbs and his shirt was rough against her cheek and she felt his heart beat against it. She would have this first meeting burned in her memory forever as she silently walked out the door.
The End
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