Work Text:
Connor was sitting in a cafe, looking through his emails, trying to find the email from his old therapist. He wanted to thank her for everything that she did for him, for helping him stay alive through one of the hardest times in his life.
While scrolling through hundreds of emails he suddenly saw a familiar name.
Evan Hansen.
Connor couldn’t help but smile at the name, he remembered the days that they spend with each other, hanging out at the orchard, them going to the mall together, Zoe always being a bitch to him because she knew that Connor had the biggest crush on Evan when they were still in school.
But what he didn’t expect was a painful feeling in his chest remembering all of this, he didn’t expect to miss Evan this much. So in a moment of happiness, he clicked on Evan’s email and pressed on the small orange ‘compose’ button.
He watched the cursor blink a few times before he started typing.
Dear Evan Hansen
It seems like it’s been ages since we last talked. I mean graduation was what? Around three years ago?
I know that I’m also at fault for us not talking and I want to apologise for that, but I don’t want to do that in an email. How are you? I bet you’re doing amazing in college, you were always so damn smart. I can still remember how annoyed you were with me because I just wouldn’t understand analysis in maths. Those were great times. I must have been really annoying to deal with sometimes, I’m also sorry about that, man.
Well, I would like to meet up and talk, if you want to. I would really like to see your face again, after all this time.
How about we go and grab a coffee and a green tea sometime soon? Also yeah, I’m also surprised that I still remember that.
I miss you, man.
Sincerely Me,
Connor Murphy
Connor smiled happily, before sending the email and going back to search for his old therapists one. It took him a few more minutes and then he sent her an email as well.
At the end of his day, he went home, sat down on his couch with his cat, who was a kind of chubby with a tabby coat and checked his phone again.
He had an email from his old therapist. She told him how happy she was for him and he quickly sent a reply. He didn’t hear anything from Evan though. So he plugged his phone in, turned on his right side and pushing his arm under the pillow, so it would be a little harder to fall asleep.
His breathing relaxed and after a while, he fell asleep.
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It had been three days and Evan still hadn’t replied to his email. Connor could have said that it didn’t worry or bother him, but both of those statements would be completely false. While he was at the shelter cleaning the rabbit cages, something he did as volunteer work, he couldn’t stop thinking about Evan, and what he could have done to upset the other male.
So as soon as he got home and took a shower, Connor sat down in front of his computer again. He reopened google mail and pressed on the small compose button on the left side of the screen.
He watched the small black line flash multiple times before he started his second attempt.
Dear Evan Hansen,
I realised that you hadn’t replied to my first email and to be honest? I can completely understand.
I’ve been a shitty friend and I really don’t deserve an answer. I’m aware of that, but please, if you read this and haven’t completely given up on me yet, please write back.
I’ve been getting better. I’ve been clean for a whole year now, don’t even touch alcohol. My new therapist is great. He helps me a lot and I’m very grateful that I found him.
I remember how much you hated the therapist I had while I was in Rehab once. Remember the hag? Cause I do. I sometimes think about all time we spend together and thinking about you makes me feel better. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true.
I miss you, I miss you a tonne. I tried to give you space because I know that I can be a burden and I didn’t want to annoy you, but I can’t do it.
I can’t just ignore all this longing I feel to see my best friend again.
I’m sorry if that was weird, but my therapist says I need to tell my friends the truth. So there you go, the truth, the honest truth and nothing but the truth.
Please drop me a text when you read this.
555 - 0189 - 356
From your friend, who can’t wait to see you.
Sincerely Me,
Connor Murphy
He hesitated, with his mouse cursor on the send button. He drew small circles with his finger on the left mouse button before actually pressing it. He shut off his laptop and laid down on his couch, watching the rain drops make their way down the window. Their unplanned and useless journey reminded Connor of life.
Because there is no need for him to be here, no reason for him to be alive. He shook his head to get the thoughts out of his head, looking up at the ceiling and putting his hands on his face. He slowly pulled them down over his cheeks before tangling the fingers of his right hand into his hair.
He let out a deep breath that he didn’t know he was holding and turned on his TV. He clicked through the channels until he found some old episodes of ‘Who’s line is it anyway?’ and he started watching those until he fell asleep with his cat purring lightly on his chest.
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Two more days with absolute radio silence and Connor couldn’t handle it anymore.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Please, I know I don’t deserve it in any shape or form, but please reply. I’m slowly starting to get insanely worried about you and I don’t know what to do about it.
Somehow writing to you makes me feel better and I hope that you are reading these, while at the same time I hope you never read them at all, because, well, I might be saying things that I will regret later on.
Connor stopped writing for a second, looking at the flashing black bar that was patronising him.
I kinda really like you.
He backspaced and shook his head because no, that sounds too much like an elementary school confession.
When you smile, my heart starts to soar and the feeling of untamable butterflies releasing themselves in my stomach is the only thing that I feel.
Way too Shakespearean. He deleted it, drumming on his table a little bit with his long slim fingers.
I kinda had a crush on you since 11th grade.
Connor groaned and deleted that too, after letting his head fall onto the desk. He took a deep breath and started again.
Evan, I love you. I do, I always have and I was always so scared to tell you because I was never good enough. I was never good enough for you, I know that now.
I’m just. . . I’m sorry. Please, I’m just very worried about you.
From your friend, who loves you.
Sincerely Me,
Connor Murphy
Connor didn’t hesitate this time because it was the third time that he had composed this email and he was getting sick of himself back out of this.
So again, he waited.
He waited for two whole days until he stood in his kitchen, his phone in his hand and him slowly pressing the numbers of Evan’s old landline.
He remembered those numbers since they were younger because Evan would always loose his phone and then the only way to reach him was his landline.
Connor’s thumb hovered over the small green telephone, as he watched his cat eat their dinner. He was worried about calling, but then again, he needed answers, so he pressed the button and started doing breathing exercises so he wouldn’t freak out.
Connor expected anything, literally anything, but only one thing was there that he didn’t expect and that was for Jared to pick up the phone.
“Hello, it's Jared,” he heard from the other line. The cocky tone in Jared’s voice from high school was still audible, but not as strong as it used to be.
“Hey Jared, it's Connor,” he spoke softly, going with his hand through his hair nervously.
“Connor! I haven’t heard from you in years. How are you?” Jared asked, happily. Connor slowly starting to play with the ends of his hair.
“I’ve been doing a lot better, to be honest. Been clean for a long time now,” he smiled into the phone. Jared let out what almost sounded like a small cheer.
“Good Job, dude. Anyway, you still living with your family?”
“Nah, got my own apartment, closer to the city. I couldn’t really handle them anymore. What about you?” Connor sat down on his couch and his cat jumped up to curl up in his lap.
“I live in my dorm at college.” There was an awkward silence between them before Jared suddenly spoke up, his voice soft and dry.
“You’re probably calling about Evan, huh?”
“Yeah, is he home?” Connor asked carefully, he didn’t know if he wanted Evan to be home or not, because what if he had read the emails and just didn’t respond because he hated him.
Jared was silent for a few seconds until Connor heard a sob through the phone.
“Jared?” The other male didn’t respond but slowly broke down onto the floor. Connor had pushed his cat off of him and jumped up, he heard shuffling, Heidi’s calming voice and then heard her voice through the phone.
“Hey Connor, how have you been?” she asked carefully, she sounded as if she was going to cry at any given moment.
“I’ve been good, but is Evan okay?” He was pacing around in his room and only stopped when Heidi spoke up again.
“You might want to sit down, honey,” she spoke softly and Connor sat down on one of his dinner table chairs. He heard her take a deep breath and softly say: “Connor, Evan took his own life last week”
Connor dropped the phone and slowly, he was sliding down his chair and fell onto the floor. He felt sobs leave his lips and tears running down his face.
“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry,” he heard Heidi say quietly through the phone. Connor laid down in a fetal position and cried. He didn’t remember reaching for the phone, but when he did, he saw that Heidi was still on it. He had calmed himself enough to calm down and actually listen to her.
“His funeral is next week, love. We would want you to be there,” she added quietly. Connor told her that he would come and that’s how they stayed before Heidi hung up on him.
The next week rolled around and Connor was wearing his best suit. He printed out his emails to Evan. He wanted him to have them.
The service was short and sweet. Evan would have liked it, that’s at least how Connor thought of it. As the casket was open for everyone to see Evan’s pale face, Connor moved over slowly. Seeing him like that would make it real, which Connor knew he wouldn’t be able to handle, but he had to do this.
He took out the printed out emails and put them under Evan’s hands, with a soft, “Read them when you get the chance”. Even though he knew he never would.
Connor would visit Evan’s grave weekly. Every Friday night, he went to see his best friend. He would also bring letters, he printed them out and put them into a small metal box that he bought. It was a dark blue, similar to the colour of the sea. Evan would have liked it. He left the letters in the box every time he was there and it made him feel better, writing to Evan. He felt as if Evan was the only one who had ever actually understood him.
Even though Evan would never read his letters again, he kept doing it.
Because you don’t just stop loving someone because they can’t feel you anymore. And what if that person that you have so much to tell, can’t listen to your stories anymore?
You tell them anyway because that is the only way you know how to survive.