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Mark’s eyes open and then immediately slam shut and his mind plays him that old school cartoon bit where eyelids roll up like window shades and seriously what the hell is his brain because he’s so hungover he could die.
Germans did not fuck around when it came to drinking and Vogel might be his favorite now if he wasn’t going to puke all over everything. He rolls onto his back and tries to will away the urge. The night comes back in vague flashes, tracing shapes onto the bar and reciting the entire cultivation history of the peanut while forcefully gesticulating with a bowlful.
That’s actually not unusual for him.
Oh but then, yes, that happened.
A very clear memory of Vogel saying you are not interested? Because someone hit on him or…well something and his own voice Nah. Not me and Vogel. He’d said, said, goddamnit Mark focus, he’d said Ah. You must get so much done and Mark had snorted beer through his nose no wonder it was stinging like a motherfucker.
Vogel is totally his favorite.
*
Martinez’s wife tries to set him up with three separate, equally lovely cousins of hers.
The first is incredibly smart, an engineer that runs circles around Mark and they have a great time at a car show before she reveals she only said yes because she thought Mark was gay and she’s a lesbian.
That’s actually not unusual for him. They stay in touch.
The next is her sister, who is absolutely hilarious and a kindergarten teacher and tells him frankly, when they get shoved together at a Martinez family barbecue, that she is zero percent interested.
He gets her another beer.
The third is entirely too cool for him: bikes, tattoos and activist art and Mark tells her, with complete honesty, that she deserves better.
Then he kidnaps Rick and forces him at pen-point to take him for pasta at that one place they love near Hayward and tells him, in no uncertain terms, what he’s interested in.
Which is to say, not that.
“Aw man. She really wants you in the family dude” Rick says.
“Adopt me, then. I’ll even call you papi”.
Rick balls up a napkin and throws it at him.
*
Mark likes Beck.
He’s low-key but still funny and he’s got that doctor-mind-voodoo trick to calm people down instantly mastered. And you wouldn’t know it to look at him but the man is a demon at beer pong.
Which means that he’s not feeling particularly awkward when Beck runs down the health questionnaire.
He’s giving them all a checkup on earth so they can get used to him as their own real live Bones. And get rid of any embarrassment surrounding going to him for help, so the questions are pretty detailed.
“Any changes to your libido lately?” “No, not particularly” which is true.
“Is it relatively constant? Could you detect a sudden change?” “Yeah” also true.
“Have you ever had a drastic change?” “Uh, no, not really. Puberty was weird but that’s normal right?” and Beck barks out a laugh.
He sounds like a dog that started smoking as a puppy.
“Ok then, when did you last have relations?” And Mark decides that he’ll be honest.
“Freshman year of college. It was Halloween” and a terrible idea.
Beck quirks an eyebrow but it’s not judgmental and Mark just says “I don’t actually have a libido? I mean I don’t know if that’s, like, the medical term but-”
“Only drastic changes are a medical concern, Mark. I’m just glad we’re not gonna have the rubbers and genital warts talk.”
*
The conversation with Johanssen goes something like this: “Watney! Toss me a pudding cup.”
“What’s the magic woooord? Also vanilla or caramel?”
“Vanilla. And it’s abracadabra.”
He tosses it at her head and she catches it easily. “Thank you. Hey, you’re ace right?”
“You can tell?”
She snorts. And smiles. Mark smiles back.
Later, when they’re getting their tattoos and she’s clutching Mark’s hand so hard her knuckles go white, he kisses her forehead. She gets it.
*
Lewis gives them a harrowing speech about keeping their hands to themselves and their zippers zipped when it comes to the mission and especially Johanssen you absolute fucks is implied.
Everybody’s squirming and in the end she dismisses them with a sharp nod and they bolt for the door like naughty schoolboys.
Mark feels a little guilty, half because it may have been the kiss and half because he’s never had to beat back impure thoughts but he’s got a feeling some of the crew might.
Some being doctor Christopher Beck who has his crush written on his forehead.
But still, he doubles back because he feels he needs to be honest, and Lewis has a right to know.
“Commander?” he says over the incredibly loud disco she’s playing in her office and okay, he’s developing a slight concern over the mental integrity of their mission leader.
“Watney?”
“Um, you know you don’t have to worry about me right? With the whole…” She quirks an eyebrow and Mark has this flash of some old school B-movie schlock ve vill make you tolk.
“What I’m trying to say here is that’s not something that interests me.” She tilts her head just a fraction and seriously the woman is better than sodium pentothal.
“At all. I’m asexual. I wanted to be honest, here. And…Oh my god, say something please.” She breaks into a giant smile and holy shit, she was just fucking with him.
“I knew there was a reason I liked you Watney.”
*
Mark is tired and cranky and NASA is treating him like a child instead of a competent fucking adult who managed to stay alive while alone on Mars thank you very much and they’re on his case for “vulgarity” and “profanity” and “also is there a lady you’d like to talk to?” and it gets on all his stupid nerves so he vulgarly and profanely explains to everyone watching that he’s asexual as fuck thank you very much. Mitch is apparently unsurprised.
When they free up his communications, there’s a ton of support, an asexual support club at his alma mater thanking him and a little note from Mitch that says google searches about aces skyrocketed.
He’s hungry, and he might be dying, but when he reads it, all he feels is proud.