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My dearest John,
It's not quite one right now, and I am sitting under the stars. I keep looking up to try and find the moon but I cannot see her. She is hiding from me, though I cannot decide why. The stars, John, the stars are so bright and so many. The only sound to be heard is the soft and constant chirp of the crickets. I cannot help but look at the universe above me and think that we are so very small and pointless. The fireflies are far above my head, and gazing up they look like blinking stars, moving ever onward. The peacefulness radiating from the empty night is unimaginably moving. I can hardly see through the tears in my eyes. We are small, so small and so unnecessary in this world. But, John, I do not feel lost. I am anchored even in this sea of infinity by you, and my love for you. I cannot thank you enough for the peace you have given me.
With all of my heart,
Alexander
P.S. No constellation could compare to the stars on your cheeks, my love.
Dear John,
It’s late, I'm tired, and I love you.
When I was a child my mother would take me to the park down by my house. She would always carry me up the stairs and say “Wait for me, Alexander.” She would stand at the bottom and catch me when I slid down. I loved that. I was very young, but I remember that. That’s how I remember her. A smile on her face, waiting with open arms for me, to help me.
After she died I went back to the park, and slid down the slide. I’ll never forget my feet touching the ground at the bottom for the first time. The dirt was so cold. This bed without you, John, it’s so cold.
I don’t want my feet to touch the ground. I want you to catch me. I love you. Please come home. I miss you. I miss running my hands through your hair when I can’t sleep, I miss your smile. I miss tracing the constellations on your face every night before bed. I want to see you. I want you back. Please, I’ll do anything to get you back. Don’t leave me forever, John. Don’t leave me.
All of me,
Alexander
Dearest Laurens,
You want to take things slow now, and I support that. I love you, and I would never want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, John. Please know that. Easing back into the relationship is harder than I thought it would be. I never stopped being in love with you, I never stopped fighting so for me it’s very strange. I feel so unstable around you. It’s like every part of your body is drawing me closer and all I want to do is kiss you. God I love kissing you. I miss holding you every night and cooking breakfast in the morning. Or, you cooking for me in the morning. I wish you would spend the night with me. Not for sex, just so that I can lay beside you and be with you. Laurens, I want to hold you close in the night and feel you breathe beside me. But I really don’t mind waiting. I’m so grateful just to be able to see you that I will wait a thousand years to kiss you.
I give you all my love,
Hamilton
Laurens,
It’s midnight, and I’m awake in bed with you. You’re asleep beside me. I cannot help but go back on my previous statement. I definitely no longer want you to be sleeping with me. Don’t misunderstand me, I loved tonight. God, I loved tonight. It was better than I could have imagined. No, I love being with you. I want you to leave because you won’t stop fucking snoring. How did your quiet breathing in the night turn into this hellish noise in the short time we were separated? I love you, but this has to stop. It’s time to stop, Laurens.
Love you still,
Hamilton
My love,
I am awake, though I do not want to be. It is during these long nights that my mind turns to dark places. Normally when I fall asleep I dream of nothing, but some nights I dream of the hurricane, and my mother. Lately I dream of you. You are my light. I love you with my entire being. My soul is forever entwined with yours. I have lived life without you, John, and I never want to do it again. I cannot last in this world unless you are with me. I keep thinking about you dying. Horrible, I know, but I cannot help my thoughts. I do not want you to go anywhere without me. I fear that you will die while I’m not there to be with you in your final moments. I know this is bad, and I shouldn’t feel this way, but I just love you so much. Please stay with me, John, please don’t leave.
Please,
Your Alexander
John,
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I Love you. I love you. I love you. I love You. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I Love you. I love you. I love you. I Love You. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I Love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love You. I love you. I love you. I love you. I Love You.
Alexander
My John,
Have I ever told you how much I love rain? It doesn't make much sense, considering my life story, but I do. I love rain. There is something calming in the seemingly never-ending waves of rain. The constant tapping of raindrops gives one an excuse to stop focusing on whatever task is at hand and just listen. For once I can sit still and be calm. There's no need to talk while it's raining, there are no silences to fill. Being with you, John, it's like being in the rain.
Do you know another reason I love rain? It feels amazing against my skin. Feeling the cold water hit me wakes me up in a way I can barely describe. It's exhilarating, to stand in the rain. Some nights the storm is so loud I can shout as much as I want and no one will hear me. When it pours so much that my hair is soaked and the wind is pulling me in every direction at once, that's when I can breathe. When every breath that fills my lungs tastes of cleanliness, I'm happy. Every touch from you is like a whole night of rain. I just can’t enough of you. I would happily drown in your hands if I could. I love you, John, so much more than I love rain. The sun cannot shine bright enough to break through your clouds.
Yours,
Alexander
“John,” Alex calls from the kitchen, “can you go get my glasses out of the bedside table?” John stands up from the couch in the living room.
“Your table or mine?” John asks.
“Mine,” Alex answers. John walks into their bedroom and opens the drawer. He can’t see the glasses, so he moves some papers out of the way. He stops. At the very bottom of the desk, he sees a letter, addressed ‘My dearest John,’
He shouldn’t look. If Alex wanted him to see, he would have given it to him. John moves past it, but underneath is another letter to him. Dear John, He picks both letters up, but under those are more.
Dearest Laurens,
Laurens,
My love,
John,
My John,
John can’t resist reading at least the first one. He knows that Alex would probably have shown these to him eventually. He unfolds the paper. As his eyes can over the words, he can feel tears gathering in his eyes. Alexander has such a way with words. The letters ends with “all of my heart, Alexander” John smiles happily. He is so lucky to have this man. He opens the next letter.
Dear John,
None of them are dated, so he doesn’t know until he’s halfway through what the letter is about. Alex wrote this while they were broken up. God, he seemed so devastated. John can’t believe he ever let any stupid thing come between them.
“ All of me, Alexander ,” John is really close to crying now. He is so upset that he ever hurt Alex in that way. The next letter begins with “ Dearest Laurens, ” John almost laughs. Alex only calls him Laurens when he’s annoyed at him. This letter is so kind that John really starts crying. Alex is the most supportive boyfriend in the world. John loves him so much.
“I give you all my love, Alexander” John wipes his eyes and picks up a new sheet of paper. It begins with simply ‘Laurens,’ Alex sounds very annoyed at him. John knits his eyebrows together. Why would Alex want to not sleep beside him? Then he laughs, he did have a cold when they first started living together again. That would explain the snoring. He puts down the barely written on sheet.
The next note says, “ My love,” John starts crying again by the second sentence. This man has dealt with so much in his lifetime. He is so glad to be there for him. The sound of tears hitting the page is the only one in the room, and John doesn’t even bother to wipe his eyes until he reaches the end.
“ Please, Alexander” John hold the next letter in his hand. It just says “ John, ” He wants to keep this letter with him at all times. It’s the phrase “I love you.” written over and over again in different scripts with different capitalizations for emphasis.
“ Alexander ” John smiles wide and moves to the last letter. It seems to be the longest one.
“My John,” John reads through the letter, crying once again. He is so happy in this moment. Alex makes him so, so happy. He hears footsteps by the door
“John,” Alex says, “do you have my glasses?” He stops once he hits the doorway. John looks up at him, still crying. The paper in his hands is covered in stains from his tears. Alex walks to him and sits on the bed. John sniffs.
“I- um,” he clears his throat, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-” Alex stops his apology by kissing him softly.
“John,” he says, “those were meant for you. I should have given them to you sooner.” John holds up the letter addressed ‘ My love, ’
“Alex,” he chokes up slightly, “I had no idea.” Alex gently pulls the letter from him and grabs both his hands.
“I am here, you are here with me. That’s all that matters, okay?” John nods. Alex smiles and wipes John’s tears away lovingly. He kisses him again, and all is well in the world.