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“Papa! Kara no go!”
Papa chuckles from the driver seat, but he doesn’t turn around to check on you or your sister. “Don’t you want to make friends your age, Kara?”
Your sister pouts from her car seat. You both are small for your ages. Papa says that’s because you didn’t get to eat that often in your old house, but you are older and wiser, so you get to use a booster seat instead of a baby seat like Kara. “Kara have Alex!”
Papa chuckles again. “Yes, and Alex is going with you. And she’s excited, aren’t you, Alex?”
You shrug, playing with the tail of Otto the Otter. You are not excited, but Papa is and Kara doesn’t want to go, so you can’t say that out loud.
It took Papa ages to calm down your sister after breakfast.
“Alex?”
“Yes, Papa.” You find Papa’s eyes in the rear mirror. You see how they soften, how they get warmer.
“It’s okay to be nervous, girls,” he says in his ‘soft’ voice, which is different from his ‘angry’ voice and his ‘I’m tired’ voice. He uses his ‘soft’ voice when you are scared of the dark or you got our knee scraped. “But, nothing will happen to you.”
His tone doesn’t make you feel any better.
“Kara have to?”
You look at your sister, not surprised to see the tears in her eyes. She’s hugging Mr. Cotton to her chest pretty much like you’re hugging Otto the Otter to yours. Her red paci is hanging from its clip and you nibble on your thumb at the sight of it.
You miss when Papa let you use your paci during the day.
“Alex,” Papa’s voice is warning, not really like his ‘angry’ voice, but it makes you take your finger away from your mouth. “Yes, Kara, you have to go.”
“Kara no wanna!”
“Kara is still going.”
Your sister starts crying then.
You hate it when she cries like this, loud and messy. Her eyes water and her nose run. Sometimes, when you have to stay with Uncle Sam, you have to help clean your sister’s snot. He doesn’t like to do that.
You don’t like it either.
You like it better when Lois looks after you.
She takes care of all your sister’s snot.
You also hate it when she cries because you get a tight feeling in your heart and more often than not you want to cry too.
Kara’s a loud crier and you want to hug her and to tell her everything is going to be alright… but Papa tells you that when she cries like this, when she cries because Papa said no, you can’t hug her.
Papa says she needs to learn to deal with it… just like you do when Papa gives you spinach.
“Alex,” Papa’s voice reaches you and you realize you’re biting the skin around your fingernail.
“Sorry,” you mutter, taking your thumb away. Again.
Papa shakes his head.
Kara keeps crying.
After a little while, the van slows down.
You like your van. It has a small TV on it, so you and Kara can watch Sesame Street when you have to be in it for hours. It’s also big and comfy and you can sit in the same row as Kara and still be far away enough from her so she doesn’t punch you when she gets angry.
Kara’s a hitter, Lois says because she doesn’t know how her arms move yet.
You think Kara’s a hitter because Kara likes to hit.
“Okay, girls,” Papa says. “We are here.”
You wait for Papa to shut down the Van before you undo your seat-belt.
Lucy taught you how to undo it over the summer and Papa was not happy about it. He made you promise you wouldn’t undo it until after the Van is off and you are a good girl, so you keep that promise.
You can undo your itchy seat-belt, but you can’t open the door, yet, so you wait for Papa to clean and collect your whimpering sister before he lets you out.
“Come, Alex,” he says, holding Kara to his chest and offering a hand to you. “Can you grab your sister’s backpack?”
You nod, picking up the little Peppa Pig backpack that’s too childish to be yours. Yours have Dora the Explorer on it, a show too grown up for Kara, and you grab it too before Papa asks you to.
You know Otto the Otter and Mr. Cotton can’t come with you, so you don’t ask Papa for them to come.
You hold Papa’s pants as he carries your backpacks. He leads you towards a building you’ve seen once before when Papa took you here to talk to the… principal, that’s what Papa called her.
There are kids screaming and playing all around inside the fence and your chest tightens again when you notice the absence of adults.
A handful of them, all older than you, much older than you, already have their wings. They are chasing each other, taking flight sometimes and running the others. You see how a boy and a girl are paired, their wings a beautiful purple color, and how two boys have their wings a deep grey. The other two kids have different colors and that just means they met their soulmates in another place.
Uncle Sam has wings. As does Lois. Papa doesn’t and he says that’s because he need just you and Kara to be happy.
You think he’s lonely, but won’t say it out loud.
A shriek draws your attention to the present.
You bite your thumb’s skin again.
You don’t know how to deal with kids.
Adults are great. They are rational. They make sense. They give rules and follow them.
Kids don’t.
Kids are loud, and loud makes Kara cry. Kids are messy, and you like your books to be clean. Kids run and push and pull, and you don’t see the point in doing so if they are not training for something, just like the people at Papa’s work.
“You will do fine,” Papa tells you as he bounces Kara.
“Is she in my class?” you ask Papa quietly. You don’t want the kids to hear and you know Papa hears you clearly.
“No, firebug,” he tells you just as quietly. “Remember, Kara’s three.”
You nod. Your sister is a baby. You are already grown up. You are, after all, already five.
“Can I stay with her?” you ask Papa.
He chuckles and you look up to see him, catching Kara’s scared eyes instead.
“No, firebug. Kara’s going to Miss Quinn’s class and you’re going to Miss Isley’s.”
“Kara wants Alex,” your sister whimpers.
You want to whimper too. But you’re a good girl and you can’t do that.
Not in front of these many people, anyway.
“We’ll go drop Kara off,” Papa says. “And then we’ll go find your classroom, Alex.”
You don’t want to drop Kara off. You don’t want to find your classroom, but you nod anyway.
Inside the building is a little quieter. There are no kids around. Papa said he was dropping you off earlier today so you can find your teachers and he’s able to walk you there.
Apparently, no matter how much you and Kara want him to stay, once the bell rings he’s not allowed in the school.
The door Papa leads you to is adorned with little red and black diamonds and says with large, bold, letters, ‘Classroom 1’. Papa taught you to read shortly after you and Kara came live with him and Lois likes to hear you read out loud to Kara, so you already know that this is Kara’s classroom.
Kara, seeing he’s knocking at the door, starts moving around. “Papa, no!”
“Shhh, Kara,” Papa says. “You don’t need to be scared. See? Alex is not scared.”
You want to tell Papa that no, you’re not scared, but you’d like to stay with him (and Kara) better than staying here. But, before you think about opening your mouth, the door opens and a fairly strange looking woman is staring stunned at you three.
Her hair is half red and half black and you’ve never seen a person so, so, white. Her wings are also different from the norm… hers are red at the top and start changing colors until the very tips are a bright green.
Her mouth is hanging open and her eyes are wide in shock.
You can understand why she’s looking at you like that, though.
You don’t look related… none of you do.
Papa is tall, and broad and smells like dust and oil. He is strong. He can carry you both in one arm, but you prefer walking while Kara is too lazy to walk around. He is also scary when he uses his sunglasses and you and Kara don’t have any even when you’ve to ask Papa for a pair.
Also, Kara’s eyes shine a lot. Like, too much. Lucy says that’s because she’s a crybaby, but you know that’s not true. Kara’s eyes simply shine too much. She’s also tiny. Papa’s boots are bigger than your sister. You are neither tiny or tall, you’re simply Alex-height.
And, you’re missing a tooth and both Papa and Kara has all of theirs. Papa said it was normal, but you don’t like smiling now. Your hair is also different than theirs. Kara’s all long and straight and Papa’s is short and curly… yours is just lumpy and boring.
So, yes.
You can understand why she’s looking at Papa weirdly.
You don’t look like a normal family.
“J’onn J’onzz,” he says in his ‘job’ voice. “Ms. Grant told me my youngest was assigned here?”
The woman blinks before she focuses on Kara’s wiggling form.
“Kara J’onzz?” she asks.
“Yes,” you answer for both Papa and Kara, directing the woman focus away from your sister. Just like you wanted. “I like your wings.”
The woman smiles before crunching down to your level. This close, you can see her eyes are a bit bluer than Kara’s. “Well, hello little one,” she says with a smile. “My kids call me Miss Harley. And who are you?”
You scrunch up your nose. She smells like sugar and milk and you’re not too sure you like that. “I’m Alex J’onzz, ma’am.”
The woman squeals. “So polite!” She looks up at Papa. “You’re doing an amazing job.”
Papa smiles and nods. “Thank you.”
Miss Harley looks back at you. “Thank you, Alex J’onzz. I like my wings too.”
Kara’s moving around has stopped and you think this woman talked to you on purpose so Kara calms down.
You like that.
So, you keep chatting with her. “Do they hurt?” you ask her. “Clark said it hurts a lot, but he cries when Kara hits him…” you finish with a shrug. Clark also thinks bees are scary and that worms are gross, so you don’t trust him at all.
Miss Harley smile widens. “I didn’t feel other than a little itch. But, my wife swears she felt her back on fire… so, I guess it depends? Maybe your friend Clark is like my wife and he felt lots of pain.”
You look horrified at her. “Clark’s not our friend!” you deny fervently. Oh, Rao, no. Clark is not your friend. You hear Kara whimpering in agreement.
“Oh?”
Papa chuckles. “Clark’s their cousin,” he explains. “But he’s too old to be their friend, right Alex?”
You look at Papa, annoyed. Even Kara is looking at Papa annoyed. “Lois is as old as Clark, Papa,” you inform him. “And she’s our friend. Clark’s not.”
“Forgive me, firebug,” he says. “I forgot that.”
You nod to him and turn to look at Kara’s teacher. Her eyes are shining and she’s smiling wide. She seems like a good person… even if her smell is weird. “Are you going to take good care of my sister?” you ask her plainly.
“Alex…”
Miss Harley’s smile softens and she doesn’t look up at Papa’s warning voice. “Do you know what a pinky promise is, Alex?”
“Yes, ma’am.” Lucy taught you all about pinky promises. She’s eight, so you believe her when she says pinky promises are never meant to be broken.
Miss Harley extends her pinky to you. “I pinky promise you, Alex J’onzz, that I’ll take the bestest care of your little sister.”
You eye her pinky before grabbing it with yours. “Thank you, Miss Harley.”
Miss Harley rises after that, turning to address Kara now. “What do you think, Miss Kara? I promised your big sister I’ll take great care of you… do you want to come play inside?”
As Kara decides if she trusts her, you look quickly into the room. It’s all colorful and the floor looks comfy and there are several toys scattered around. Papa said you got to start school properly while Kara stays at kindergarten.
Looking at the huge sandbox in the middle of the room, you want to stay in kindergarten too.
“Kara go.”
Your sister finally makes up her mind and she lets Miss Harley takes her in her arms.
You can’t help it. You reach out for Miss Harley’s shirt and tug.
She gets the idea and kneels so you are eye to eye with Kara.
~I love you,~ you tell her in the special language Papa taught you. You’re not supposed to use it outside the house, but you need to talk to Kara and you don’t want Miss Harley listening. ~Be safe, take care.~
You touch her cheek with your fingertips and Kara does the same to you.
~I ‘ove you,~ she repeats. ~Be safe, ta’e care.~
You smile impossibly at that.
Maybe this day won’t be so bad after all.
XxXxX
This day is bad.
Awfully bad.
After dropping Kara, Papa took you to Miss Pam’s room.
The first thing you noticed was that she smells like Miss Harley, sugar and milk.
The second thing you noticed, was that her wings match Miss Harley’s. They are red at the top and green at the bottom.
You didn’t make a fuss when Papa told you he needed to leave. Miss Pam is quiet and she is Miss Harley’s mate, so she must be nice, so you don’t make Papa late with your worry.
Once classes started, that’s when things started going bad.
The lessons are too boring. Too easy.
Papa said you were starting months behind the other kids, and that maybe you’d feel like you didn’t know things, but what Miss Pam is teaching you, Untie Vas has already taught you.
And the kids are loud and smelly.
You don’t like that.
You also don’t like that Miss Pam didn’t let you keep your backpack close. You can’t have your little rubber ball that Lois gave you to help with your bad thoughts. You had to leave your backpack in a small cubby that reads your name. Your full name.
You hate your full name.
That’s what they used to yell at you and you don’t like it. Not at all.
You also hate that now that is recess time, you are forced outdoors when you only want to grab a book from the bookcase behind Miss Pam’s desk and read in the quiet for a little while.
There’s too much noise, too many bodies slamming around.
You don’t like it.
You asked Miss Pam if the kids from Miss Harley’s class share your recess.
She said no.
And so, you find yourself sitting on the steps that lead to the backyard, willing the minutes to pass by quicker.
“Look who’s here!” A loud voice comes from your right. He is one of the kids you share class with. “The new kid!”
Other three boys come stand around you.
You don’t like crowds.
You don’t like that they are all taller than you and you are sitting down.
“So, new kid, where you from?”
“Was that your dad? He looks nothing like you!”
“Why are you starting school now? School started years ago!”
You fell your hands start shaking.
Your vision starts blurring, so you lower your eyes.
“Oh, no,” one of them mocks. “She looks like she wants to cry!”
“I saw you near the babies’ hallway!” the first one says. “I think they put you in the wrong class!”
You bite your lip to stop a whimper from leaving your throat. They are too loud. They are too close. They are all boys. They are too much.
“Hey, you!” a new voice sounds, but you can’t tell where it’s coming from. “Leave her alone!”
A girl comes running and the boys scatter.
You refuse to look up, though. You don’t want the tears to start falling now.
You can’t cry.
Not here.
Not now.
Maybe, once you’re in your bed, safe under the blankets, you can cry.
But not now.
Not here.
“Hey, you okay?” the girl asks in a whisper. Maybe she knows you don’t like loud noises, like Kara… loud noises mean screams and yells, so, no, you don’t like them.
Gentle fingers reach for your fist. “Can I touch you?”
You nod and a warm hand starts brushing over your knuckles.
What happens next, you will remember for all eternity.
Agonizing, blinding, hot pain burns at your back and the girl immediately steps away.
“Help!” she starts yelling, but you can hear she’s panting too. “Help!”
You can’t breathe and you can’t move. The pain is too much, much more than any beating you ever received, too intense, too hot, too, too, too, too, much.
Teachers come running.
One of them reaches for you and you flinch away.
You look up in time to see the girl’s face, pain evident in her eyes.
Eyes that lock to yours, that are soft brown, gentle, warm.
Safe.
It’s like you are finally, finally, home.
They make a grab for you again, and this time you don’t react.
You don’t breathe.
You pass out.
XxXxX
You look in the mirror.
The girl that looks back at you is strange, yet familiar.
She has your eyes, a color Papa calls whiskey.
Your lips, a little dry and too thin.
Your nose, with freckles and a little red on the tip.
Your hair, lumpy and boring.
But… the wings that you can see are what really draw you in.
They are small. Smaller than you’ve ever seen.
Untie Vas says that’s because you’re small, and a small kid needs small wings. They also say that they will grow as you grow and that they can’t carry you, yet, but that they will in time.
They are a soft golden color. The sun that comes in from the window makes them sparkle and shine in a way that won’t let you stop staring. They are fluffy, like Mr. Cotton’s tail and soft like Otto the Otter’s head.
Kara likes them. You found her sucking on the tip of one of them last night.
You don’t know what’s the right thing to do when your baby sister starts sucking on your wing.
“Alex.”
You look away, to see Papa smiling at you.
“Maggie’s here.”
You nod. Maggie is the girl that made the boys go away.
Maggie enters the room behind Papa.
She’s the one that grew wings with you.
Her wings are a little bigger than yours, but Maggie is seven, so you think that makes sense. She’d be able to fly before you, but that’s okay, because she promised, pinky promised, she’d only fly until you can too.
Her eyes are as warm as the first time you saw her.
As warm as the second time you saw her.
And the third.
And every time after.
“Hey, Al,” she smiles at you and you smile back at her.
“Hi, Maggie.”
Kara comes toddling in after Papa leaves to talk with Maggie’s parents.
“Hi, Kara,” Maggie smiles at your sister.
Kara, in return, hugs her by the middle. “Maggie play with Kara!” she declares.
Maggie smiles. “I came to play with Alex too, is that okay?”
Kara, the wise Kara, nods her consent. “Maggie ‘nd Alex play with Kara!”
You beam at them.
Lois said you were lucky you found Maggie so young. She said she wished she found Clark as young.
Lucy says Lois is just sappy and dumb.
But, you agree with Lois.
It’s been only a month and you can already feel it.
Maggie’s your soulmate.
She’s your other half, the one that will allow you to be your best self.
You can feel it.
“Alex come play!”
You smile and run to do as asked.
You have time to play, to learn, to be a kid.
One day, you will be a good agent like Papa, like Uncle Sam, like Untie Vas.
One day, Kara will grow her wings, she’ll find her own soulmate.
One day, you will be an adult and you will have a house, and a dog, and a car of your own.
One day, you will be able to fly and do so every day.
One day, Maggie and you will marry, she’ll wear a dress and you a suit.
One day, Maggie and you will be together all the time.
But, in the meantime.
You’re so, so, so, so, happy.
You're home.