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Magnus helped Alec to his feet, and they made their way to the kitchen. Alec had put the coffee machine on, and now their coffee was ready. They sat down at the table, cups in one hand, other hands linked loosely with each other’s, resting on the table.
Magnus looked down at his coffee and took a deep breath, looking back up at Alec. “There’s another reason why that scared me so much.” He said softly.
“Sorry?” Alec asked, confused. “Are you talking about the nightmares or your almost-execution or…”
“No, none of those. Well, sort of yes and sort of no. I mean accidentally lashing out with my magic and hurting you.”
“Ah.” Alec was quiet for a moment. “Did you want to talk about it?”
“Talking about my mother helped. I… this might too. But this isn’t something I’ve ever talked about to anyone. Ever. Not Ragnor, not Camille, not anyone.”
“But you want to talk to me about it?”
Magnus squeezed the fingers locked into his. “Yes. Because I know you love me.”
Alec put his coffee down and swept his fingers along Magnus’ forehead, brushing his hair aside, and down to his cheek, cradling it gently. “I do. Nothing you tell me will change that.”
“I… it… my stepfather. I’d grown up well enough until my mother killed herself. Then he changed. He blamed me. I blamed myself too. He knew that I was the son of a demon, and he called me demonspawn, but he didn’t understand what that meant. I didn’t either.”
“What do you mean?”
“You hear ‘child of a demon and a human’ and you think ‘warlock’, a being with magical powers and immortality. Mundanes don’t reach that conclusion. Mundanes just see ‘child of a demon’. They don’t know that we are called warlocks or that we have special abilities. I didn’t know either, then. I just knew that there was something wrong with me and that’s why my mother killed herself.”
“What happened?”
“One day my stepfather tried to drown me. He held me under the water until my lungs started to burn from the water. I was sure I was going to die. But… I didn’t. My magic saved me. It manifested in a fury, exploding from my body, giving me back the air I so desperately needed. But my stepfather… when I got my breath back, and turned to face him, seeing what punishment he would try now… he was gone. There was just a pile of ash where he’d stood. I was just ten years old, and it was now my fault that both my mother and the man I’d considered a father were dead.”
“Oh, Magnus…” Alec moved out of his seat and knelt in front of the warlock, pulling him into a deep hug. “It wasn’t your fault. You were defending yourself. He was trying to kill you.”
“I keep trying to tell myself that. I’ve been trying to tell myself that whenever I’ve had those nightmares. For centuries. Somehow it still seems inadequate. I mean, the very reason I exist is because there’s evil in the world. Because there are demons and terror and pain. How can I be at peace with my history, with myself, knowing that to love myself means that I have to be at peace with the fact that evil exists?”
“Hey, hey.” Alec kissed him gently. “Stop that. Yes, evil exists in the world. But you know what? If it didn’t, I wouldn’t exist either. Would you want me to not exist?”
“Of course not. I love you and cherish your existence. How would you not exist if there wasn’t evil in the world? You’re a child of the Angel.”
“And why do Shadowhunters exist? Why did Raziel come and create Shadowhunters?”
“To fight the demons.”
“Exactly. If there weren’t demons, I wouldn’t exist either. Shadowhunters wouldn’t exist. But that’s not the important part.”
“What is?”
“That we are responsible for ourselves. It doesn’t matter what we were born from. We make our own choices. There are beautiful amazing people out there who are half-demon. Like you. And there are horrible vicious people out there who are half-angel. Like the Inquisitor. What blood we have doesn’t determine our worth. What we do is what matters.”
“But I killed my stepfather. That was a choice, wasn’t it? The magic manifested in me in hate and fury. Isn’t that a legacy of my demonic heritage?”
“Your magic manifested in terror, not hate. He was trying to kill you. He made that choice. He made the choice to try to kill you. You fought back to save your own life. There’s no shame in that.”
Magnus took a shuddering breath, looking up into Alec’s eyes, seeing nothing but love in them.
“You still love me?”
“Of course I do.” Alec kissed him softly again. “I love you, Magnus Bane.”
“Even though I hurt you?”
“It wasn’t on purpose. And I’m sorry if that moment reminded you of a time when you didn’t have control of your magic. But you do now. This was an accident and I am completely absolutely fine. The question is, are you?”
“I… no. I’m not. But I’m getting there.”
“Just time.”
Magnus nodded. Alec set his hands on either side of Magnus’ head and kissed his brow gently.
“Whatever it takes, I’m here.” Alec said, resting their foreheads together. “I’m here.”