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“Everybody, we have an emergency!” declares Shane McMan, bursting into that day’s cheerleader practice with his sister and also WWE High school principal Stephanie Mc-Helmsley.
“What’s the problem, sir?” Becky Lonch asks Irishly. Stevonnie McHearstly clears her throat and responds.
“Someone has stolen the Money in the Bank briefcase.” She discloses in her high-pitched snake voice. All of the girls in the room (Nayomi, Nataylia, Carmello, Chairlotte, Tamina, Laana, and Bucky) gasp in unison. Camela’s bf (which stands for BEST friend, not boy friend), Jumes Ellingsworth also gasps in response because he was there fanning his gf (which stands for GBEST friend, not girlfriend) with a giant palm leaf and happened to hear everything.
“But why are you coming to us?” asks Naomi glowingly while doing a really sick flip, “Shouldn’t you get security or something to handle it?”
“We would, but our school security has decided to step out to crack open a cold one with the boys and our hall monitors, well..” Shane Mac’O glances off to the side as he remembers both members of the school’s safety patrol, Tylor Breeeeez and Fandingo giving him a ticket for violating the school’s fashion law by wearing his neon yellow and goth pink $12,000 Gucci Air Jordan’s to the homecoming dance. He feared their taste in sneakers.
“As for why we’re coming to you ladies,” Stophonie begins, “ We needed a relevant fic idea.”
“Seems LEGIT.” Ellsworth says before getting punched in the throat and retreating his limbs into his weird moneyprint man romper.
“So what’s in it for us when we find it?” Tamika asks with clear confidence.
“That’s an excellent question, TOmina.” answers Shane McMoney, “Stove and I have decided that whoever finds the Monkey in the Bunk briefcase will get to co-captain the squad with Naomi.”
“Woo! That is clearly a position suitable for a Q U E E N like me!” declares Chart.
“So when can we start looking for it?” asks Nadalya, clearly ignoring her Rick Flare impersonating peer.
“Well, right now would be ideal.” muses Stephany McHertsmansley. The five girls who weren’t Namoi or Lannnna scattered in a desperate search for the briefcase. Naomi wasn’t too bothered about not needing to find it because she was already the current cheer captain and also was busy tearing out Lana’s ravishing hair extensions because Lanal talked shit about her or something.
The girls all went their separate ways to locate the briefcase, desperate to become the first Cheer Captain in the Bank, the now most coveted title in the school next to dean and actual cheer captain.
While Tamina shook down Seth Rollins for his briefcase and turning up with nothing, Charmander searched her father’s limousine, jet, and silk robe collection which happened to be located on campus. Nat deployed her 18 persian cats, led by admiral 2Pawz to sniff out the case while Carmella checked all of the girls bathrooms and Becky went to Ireland to look.
Meanwhile, June Chinsworth decided to help Camella princss of Staten Island by searching outside of WWE High. Noticing a really cozy dumpster, he decided to take a peek. Climbing up and peering into the welcoming trash receptacle, he found Dean Ambrose and AJ Styles within. The two teens were sitting in red leather arm chairs, focused intently on a chessboard. Dean was somehow winning by a lot since AJ couldn’t read his moves very well. Hanging above the fireplace next to a large, framed portrait of Chyna was the Money in the Bahnk briefcase. Dean moved his bishop, taking out Aj’s queen.
“Dammit, Ambrose! That’s fuckin cheatin!” the phenomenal soccer mom swore Southernly. Dean, an intellectual, smirked.
“Git gud.”
He knew he wasn’t cheating.
Allsworth decided it was best to sneak into the dumpster, which was apparently the home of Dean Ambrose, and take the briefcase for his gf (GBEST friend) Cameltoe. Expertly, the chinless wonder grabbed a ladder and rammed it into the dumpster, knocking the wind out of Dean and tearing a massive hole in AJ’s pants, exposing his sweet Georgian peach to the world. This also knocked Aj styles out too I guess. James quickly climbed inside the room and yanked the briefcase form the wall. He paused for a moment to contemplate whether or not he should also take the Chyna portrait but shrugged and decided to just leave with the case.
Back in the gym, Naomi, Bald Lana, Natalya and her 56 cats, Tanima, Car lot, and Carmella had all gathered in disappointment. They were all unable to find the Money in the Sasha Banks briefcase. Even Becky Lunch had no such luck, but was still busy being in Ireland to really let anyone know that. Then, Ellsowrht burst through the door, briefcase in tow, much to the surprise of everyone in the room. While attempting to hand it over to his Gbest Friend with great pride, he was interrupted by the ever approaching rumble of the word…
Yes yes yes yes yes yeS YES YES YES YES !!!
In burst cheerleading coach Denial Bryan with a tiny baby strapped to his chest. He was wearing a #1 Dad t-shirt and a mug that also confirmed that he was, in fact, the world’s greatest father.
“JAMES!!! ELLSWORTH!!!!” he screamed while his baby girl chanted ‘yes’ in the background, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS????”
Cowering in fear, Juke Ellingswurth was expecting to be punched so hard in his face by the cheer coach that he wouldn’t be able to breathe and would also be expelled. However, this was not the case.
“James!!! Ellsworth!!!” Daniel BYrn continued, “You found the briefcase! This means that YOU! Are Ms. Cheer Captain in the Bank. Congrats, you chinless piece of shit.”
Then both father and daughter proceeded to “YES” together as the mutant turtle man was beaten to death by the women in the room and also Becky Lynch who just got back from Ireland.
The End.