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It was never like before anymore when it was just the two of them. The time Jaebum and Jinyoung spent together during their trainee days doing everything seemingly made them grow a strong liking for each other, but they were too late to realize it by the time they were inevitably forced into a group. It was different from then on. They slowly drifted apart from each other and were not as close as they were compared to before.
They stopped finding time to do the things they would usually do together. Jaebum had been occupying most of his time with Youngjae, and they had gotten very close with each other through the years. There were many instances where Jinyoung would catch the two looking very intimate, and it appeared to him that they felt something for each other. He would dismiss the feeling of jealousy and find company in Mark or even Jackson. He felt bad of course, because to him it felt like he was using them as a way to escape the unpleasant feeling of hell even though he had no such intentions.
“Are you okay?” Mark was looming over Jinyoung.
“Yeah.”
He knew Jinyoung was lying. He knew, yet he played along and pretended to fall for it. There was no point in trying to get him to talk because it was unlikely that he would. Mark took a long look at the younger, taking notice of every movement he made and the way his body behaved. It was quite obvious that there was something wrong, and Mark correctly assumed that it was because of Jaebum since it was easier to be in a lot of trouble with him. Even so, everyone would shrug off the problems that involved the leader because all of the problems he has with the members are almost always easy to fix. Mark was about to break the short silence, but loud laughter entered the room before he could. He gazed over at the door and saw a glimpse of Jaebum receiving a light hit from Youngjae.
Jinyoung was startled by the sudden intrusion, and when he met eyes with Jaebum, he immediately averted his attention somewhere else. It was already getting uncomfortable for him. Youngjae made his way over to Mark and Jinyoung with a small smile on his face.
“Do you guys want anything from the convenient store?” Youngjae asked. The question made Jinyoung perk up. There was a sudden knot in his stomach. He remembered going to the convenient store with Jaebum back when they finished practices late at night. It was their thing. They would often return back to their dorm very late too, staying out and going to those 24-hour arcades to have a little fun.
“Jinyoung?” Mark was trying to get his attention. “They have to go before it closes. Do you want anything?” He asked the question from earlier again for Jinyoung to hear in case he missed it.
“Sorry.” Jinyoung apologized and finally answered with, “I’m good, thanks.”
He watched Jaebum follow Youngjae out of the room and close the door behind him. He couldn’t deny that it hurt because that used to be them. Jinyoung was starting to feel drained. It was getting tiring for him to see those two together all the time.
“Do you want to go home?” Mark rested a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder. “You look a little bit tired.”
“Yeah, that would be nice.” Jinyoung responded. He was already feeling better from thinking about sleep because it was only during that time that he doesn’t feel so much pain.
When they reached their dorm, Jinyoung made his way to his room almost immediately. He felt like crying and he needed to hide before Mark questioned him.
“Jinyoung—” Mark has been calling out that name more than anyone had that day. He felt concerned, and when he watched Jinyoung close the door to his room he felt even worse. Mark approached cautiously despite knowing that he wouldn’t get caught for doing so. He knocked on the door lighter than needed. “Jinyoung, I’m here if you need anything, okay?” There was no reply. He sighed for a moment, and because he was the oldest out of everyone in the group, he felt like he had the role of being the meddler. He would often get himself involved in situations that he had no invitation to.
He gave it some thought before dialing Jaebum. It rung for a while, and when the line finally reached him, he sternly asked for an explanation. “What’s going on with you two?”
This of course caught the leader off guard. To receive such a call out of nowhere was totally unexpected, and he didn’t know what kind of answer to give. “I’m sorry?”
“Jinyoung hasn’t been acting like himself and it’s worrying me.” It what as if Mark was coming to Jaebum for help. “I know it’s between you guys, but it’s hard to stay put and not do anything. You need to do something to fix this. It would be great if you did it soon.”
He could hear Jaebum scoff on the other side of the phone, and he cursed to himself that he had gotten himself into this mess. “I don’t need someone telling me what to do, and it’s not like I am avoiding this problem that I have with Jinyoung.”
“Jaebum, I didn’t mean it like that.” Mark defended himself.
“I’ll warn you now, please stay out of it.”
The line went dead. Jaebum shoved his phone back into his pocket angrily. He had forgotten for a moment that he was with somebody. His focus went back to a confused Youngjae, who was sitting on a bench in front of him.
“What happened?” Youngjae stood up abruptly. “Was it Jinyoung?”
“No, it was Mark.” Jaebum turned away, taking in all sorts of different bright colors displayed around the room they were in. There were so many songs playing in the background, each belonging to a specific game that was made for them. “What game do you want to play first?”
“Jaebum—” Youngjae tugged on the sleeve of Jaebum’s jacket to prevent him from going anywhere. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“What do you mean?”
“You told me only once about what happened between Jinyoung and you, and I still remember it. I really don’t think we should continue going on those late runs to convenient stores and coming here to these arcade rooms. These are things you guys did together, and I feel awful that Jinyoung has to sit on the side and watch us do these things together.”
“He doesn’t have to.” Jaebum retorted. He was completely dismissing the point that Youngjae was trying to make.
“Jaebum.” Youngjae said a little more rougher this time. He was starting to get annoyed. “With you acting like this, I’m starting to get the feeling that you are using me in replacement for Jinyoung. If you want things between you guys to be like before, then talk to him about it.” Youngjae released his hand from Jaebum, feeling slightly betrayed.
“I’m not using you, Youngjae.” Jaebum reassured. “I’m not.”
“Why?” Youngjae asked. He was still so confused. “Why are you living like you’re still in the past? What part do I have in this?”
Jaebum looked around and noticed a worker behind the counter staring at them. He took Youngjae outside, realizing that the setting wasn’t appropriate for them to talk. There was a moment of silence between them, and Youngjae didn’t want to say more than he needed.
“I’m sorry.” Jaebum apologized with sincerity. “I’m sorry I made you think that way.”
“If you really told me that it was true, that all these times you thought of me as Jinyoung, I don’t know if I would be mad.” Youngjae admitted. “I would know that you were doing it with no intentions to hurt me and forgive you, Jaebum.”
Youngjae was too good to him, and this shattered Jaebum into a million pieces. Why has he been so ignorant all this time? He didn’t know what to do with all this guilt overshadowing him. Everything was starting to feel overwhelming and Jaebum couldn’t choke back the tears that wanted to fall, and so he cried in hopes of good measure.
“I don’t want to go back.” Jaebum spoke between his sobs. “I don’t want them to see me like this.”
“We can take a walk.” Youngjae made a suggestion. “I’m sure it will help, even if it’s just a little bit.”
They returned quite late. Youngjae wanted them to get back as early as possible, but Jaebum would hesitate and find an excuse to stay out longer when asked if he was ready to head back. When they entered their shared dorm, they were greeted by the silent darkness. Youngjae made it to their room, but Jaebum stopped about halfway. He halted at the foot of Jinyoung’s door where the lights made a visible outline. He looked at Youngjae for a brief moment and gestured him to go on without him.
“You can go in first.”
Jaebum knocked on the door. He made sure not to knock so loudly as to wake up the other members, but he found himself knocking a bit more harder when he didn’t hear anything from the room. “Jinyoung?” Jaebum opened the door ever so slowly. He walked in ready and expecting Jinyoung to be avoidant, but instead he found him to be asleep on Mark. His head sitting comfortably on Mark’s shoulder with him leaning in as support. At this point, Jaebum didn’t know how to feel or what to do exactly. He stood there frozen, long enough for Mark to open his eyes and take notice.
“Jinyoung.” Mark awoke him. He was feeling ashamed for getting caught like this, especially after what happened on the phone earlier. “Jinyoung, wake up.”
“What?” Jinyoung said all too groggily. He rubbed his eyes that were already red and puffed from crying. He saw Jaebum standing at the doorway after giving his eyes a few seconds to adjust to the light.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“I’ll go back to my room.” Mark left without saying anything else, in other words, he didn’t say anything to Jaebum. He wanted to say sorry though for the misunderstanding that he may have caused, but he was reluctant to say it because it might have made the situation worse.
“What do you want?” Jinyoung didn’t bother to look at Jaebum. If he did, he would just look lost.
“We need to talk.”
“I won’t have anything to say.” Jinyoung knew they needed to talk, but being stubborn that he was, he didn’t want to.
“I've hurt you.” Jaebum said it as a fact. “I’ve hurt you, and I’m really sorry.” He moved closer to Jinyoung and was surprised that he didn’t budge.
“What about you?” Jinyoung remained at his spot, but he managed to take a glance at Jaebum. “Aren’t you hurt too?”
Jaebum was mute. He found that was the only option he had because he didn’t want to tell Jinyoung that he was hurting, yet at the same time he didn’t want to say that he was not. Jinyoung understands what that quietness means though because he knows Jaebum like the back of his hand.
“I just want everything to be like before.” Jaebum was staring at Jinyoung’s hand. He had the urge to hold it, but he didn’t know if he would be crossing the line. It just wasn’t right.
“Jaebum.” Jinyoung spoke his name like it was the last thing he ever wanted to say. “I don’t think it can.”
“Please.” Jaebum held onto the hem of Jinyoung’s shirt. He was breaking before his eyes. He felt so desperate to the point of begging. “Please.”
“I really want to, Jaebum,” Jinyoung breathed out, “but I don’t know if I can do it.”
It felt like time had deceived them because everything seemed to stop at the wrong place. Jinyoung was aware of Jaebum letting him go. It stung him like a bee. He grasped onto Jaebum with hands shaking uncontrollably and solemnly pulled him into an embrace.
“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung was fragile in Jaebum’s arms. He could have taken Jaebum back, but nothing would have been like before. "I'm so sorry."
“Me too."