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“This is it.”
“No.” The single word is spoken softly, voice trembling and almost disbelieving. Lucretia looks down to Taako, doubled over and on his knees, clutching the umbra staff to his chest; and when he looks up to meet her gaze, there are tears in his eyes threatening to spill over. “How could – how could you say that?”
“Taako, no, this is our chance,” she says softly, moving forward and reaching out a hand to her friend – and gods did it feel good to allow herself to think that again, after so long denying, to keep all of her secrets safe. “This is our chance to fight the Hunger, this is it, this is our moment –”
“No. No, this isn’t it!” His voice is still shaking even as it grows in volume, filling the room as everyone turns to look at him. “This isn’t it, because she’s gone! She left and we couldn’t find her, and we never had the chance to keep trying because you took that from us!” Taako is yelling now, pushing himself to his feet, ignoring the small voice Barry speaks his name in, quiet and aching.
Lucretia flinches, retreating a step as she pulls her own staff to her chest, her own shield. “I – I did what I did because it was the best way! You – I did it to keep you all safe, to keep you from hurting. You were all suffering, I was suffering, but I knew I could fix things, I had to at least try, and after Lup left and –”
“Don’t.” The demand is hissed out, Taako’s ears nearly flat against the sides of his head, his eyes narrowed as his tears begin to fall. “Don’t act like you’re some kind of hero because of this. You took away our memories, our lives. Who gave you the right to do that? Who are you to make that sort of decision for us? To take everything away from us, because you thought that was right?”
“Taako, I –”
“No!” Taako has the umbra staff leveled at her before she can take a single step, tip crackling with red energy as his expression goes hard, angry – and for a moment, she’s back in that lonely year, when she was scared and on the run and always hunted. “You took all of it away from us – you took Lup away from Barry, away from me.” He’s shaking, the umbrella in his hand swaying even as he keeps it pointed at her. “Nothing you say can justify that.”
Lucretia is speechless, her words lost – and isn’t that ironic, after all these years? – knowing that the anger directed at her is well-deserved. The others react with varying emotions – Merle avoids her gaze, and she hears Davenport shift uncomfortably at her side; Barry is silently accusing, and Magnus looks hurt and confused, just the way he did when he’d stumbled into her room on that day so long ago, feeding one of her precious journals to the voidfish.
And she knows – has known, since she first learned of the things that had happened to her friends after she’d left them to their new lives – that it wasn’t the best decision, but it was one that she made. She can’t deny that – won’t deny that. And when she speaks again, the umbra staff still directed at her, the room still quiet, she means the words she voices, even if it’s nowhere near enough to make up for what she’s done – and really, will anything ever be?
“I’m sorry. It’s not enough, and I would do it again, but – but I’m sorry.” Her voice is nearly a whisper, but she knows that they all heard her, not just Taako; and as Barry steps next to Taako to place a hand on his shoulder, lowering the umbrella pointed at her, she lets out a shaky breath.
Merle pats Taako on the hip, the elf finally breaking his glare at her to look down at his friend. “C’mon buddy, we’ve got bigger fish to fry right now. We can deal with this mess after we kick the shit out of this thi—the Hunger.” He shakes his head as he corrects himself, other hand coming up to rub his temple.
“Merle’s right, we need to deal with the Hunger now, before it’s too late,” Barry says, casting a hard look at Lucretia before pulling his wand out of the pocket of his jeans. “I won’t let this all be for nothing.” Taako nods, turning his back to Lucretia without another word, shoulders set as he follows. And Lucretia watches as her family prepares, readying themselves to fight for every inch of this plane, the one that became their home; and she’s proud, as she’s always been, and this time she’s ready to fight alongside them, to help protect them.
Because even if they no longer trust her, she trusts them, she loves them. And she will always do her best to protect her friends.