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Barry and Lup; a collection of firsts
i. first realisation (i)
Nothing had impacted Barry so much as the realisation that he may never see home again.
They were perhaps 5 cycles in, and every world they had tried to save had been lost. He’d seen the deaths of many of his crewmates and died once already himself, and he couldn't pinpoint the exact emotion he was feeling. Fear, perhaps. Desperation. Regret.
The sad thing was that he was getting used to the whole thing. He’d forgotten long ago what it was like to have two suns, longed for the time where everything was safe and he didn't have to worry about his friends and the possible death of this whole world every single time. He had to do the calculations and be smart and if he was off by the smallest amount, they might not find the light of creation this time around. This may be another plane that is spoon fed to the hunger and it would be his fault .
The realisation always hurts, and he finds that tonight it's just unbearable. It's just past what he predicts as 2 in the morning as he finally hits the breaking point, all by himself in the darkness.
He’s alone, as he often is, and he's always going to be alone from now on. Of course he has the other members of the Starblaster, but he knows they don't count. He knows they don't care or want anything from him besides what he’s useful for. And its late and he loses it. Nobody would be awake to hear him anyways. Nobody would care.
Through the dark he sits on his bed with his back against the wall, the muffled noises of tears and anguish radiating in the enclosed space. The logical part of his brain kicked in ( Barry you’re being ridiculous. Just do your job and get everyone out) but he was past caring. He just wanted to go home. He was sick of watching his friends die and slowly stopping caring about it, feeling useless as plane after plane was consumed. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and tried to steady his breathing.
“Barry?” Lup’s voice called out uncharacteristically soft, hesitant, from the other side of the wall. He held his breath and numbly recalled that her room was next to his. She should be asleep. “Barry. Are you alright?”
He clapped a hand over his mouth and let out a choked sob. If it was during the day then nobody would hear him at all, but it was the still of night now. If I don't make any more noise she’ll leave it alone he reasoned, but instantly knew he was wrong. This was Lup; she had no boundaries. And he knew she’d tease him mercilessly for this. Everything went quiet.
“Barry?” there was a quiet knock at the door and he knew this was it. He thought of feigning sleep but quickly dismissed that idea. He scrubbed his face hard and tried to not look as though he had been sobbing hysterically. “Barry, I’m coming in.”
There was a brief pause, as if she was waiting to see if he’d object, before the door slowly opened, and he saw Lup’s eyes scan the what-should-be completely dark room. Darkvision .
“I uh. I got that great elf hearing,” she tried to joke halfheartedly, stopping as soon as she saw him. Instantly she knew this was something personal, and knew she was definitely not the best person to try and help here. But she stepped in, still clad in her casual t-shirt and pajama shorts, and slowly made her way towards the bed.
It sounded ridiculous, but he thought that in the 5 years they had been travelling together Lup harboured resentment to him still, and immediately thought that she would tease or poke fun at him for crying because Lup was so strong and fearless and brave. But she sat down next to him and mirrored his pose, drawing her knees up to her chest and just sat in silence.
She didn't make a move to talk to him or touch him, which confused Barry immensely, but just sat with him in the dark, occasionally moving to crack her neck or twitch her ears. He thought she would leave after a bit, but twenty minutes later she remained in the same place, still in silence.
“Why are you here Lup?” He had stopped crying and was instead just staring at a fixed point on the wall numbly. He wanted to go home.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No.”
She let out a tiny breath of laughter and shifted so their shoulders were touching. A jolt went through Barry. Then she turned serious again, this time pointedly looking away from him.
“Are you scared?”
His breath hitched. Silence. Lup nervously laughed.
“I’m scared too.”
Barry stilled. He had never seen this side of Lup; he wondered if anyone besides Taako ever had. Before he could ask, she continued.
“I've never had to worry about anyone except myself and Taako before. I’ve never had to make ties because I know how hard it is when they inevitably break,” she glances sideways at him and continues.”But I’ve got all of you now. I’ve got a family. And that scares me so much Barry, because before- we had no-one.”
Her ears twitched downwards and he was hit with the overwhelming desire to hold her. He refrained. Unsure of how to answer he just sent her another of his many meaningful glances.
“We’re gonna get out of this,” she whispered and Barry wondered if she was still talking to him at all. He knocked his shoulder with hers and she let out another breathy laugh, and Barry wanted to hear it again and again and again. He didn't want her to ever be sad. His eyes found her in the dark and he saw the universe in her eyes and hands and knew that he had fallen. And he didn't want to get up.
i. first realisation (ii)
Lup had often wondered if she was capable of love. She knew that her and Taako had such a strong bond between them, that they were so close to one another it was difficult to distinguish where one ended and another began, and she wondered if that was just a feeling of protection. Over these repeating cycles she had spent years with her companions and wondered if she loved any of them, or if they loved her, or if the mutual want to survive was the only thing keeping them together at this point. She didn't even know if she was able to love at this point anymore, being so worn-down after years and years living off of nothing with next to no family and feeling as though maybe she just wasn't wanted by anyone . Maybe.
She and Barry were the designated “science-nerds” of the group, so naturally it was them hiding in a cavern in a lower tier of this world attempting to dissect and fix little robots and figure out how they worked. They stood around a table of sorts with their small assortment of salvaged tools surrounding them, little robots whirring and whizzing around their feet. They- well Barry- was tinkering with a small robot with a damaged something or other. Lup sat idly on the table and watched him work, engaging in comfortably enjoyable chat and occasionally dishing out praise or encouragement whenever Barry had managed to fix a robot (“Nice work hotstuff! Look at the little man go!”)
She could have helped (in fact, with her wizardly magic she probably could have helped more than Barry) but this world tired her out a lot, and Barry had noticed it and made up some completely bullshit excuse as to why he had to do the work today, politely not mentioning how drained Lup was and allowing her to sit by. She liked that about Barry; how he always noticed the small things.
And it wasn't to say she wasn't being helpful, she just tried to do it in a way that was indirect to this world specifically. But, as resident scientist, usually she didn’t get that role. Sometimes she got to stay on the ship for the cycle and, as boring as it may be, usually it let her think. And it saved her mental health quite some bit. Like Barry was doing by letting her off today, she thought.
“AH SHIT!” Barry leapt back from the table shaking his hand furiously, and Lup looked confusedly at the now giggling robot, before bursting into laughter.
“BARRY MY DUDE DID THE CUTE LIL ROBOT HURT YOU?”
He wiped his hands on his jeans, hesitantly reaching out to the robot.
“It’s alright. She jus-AH SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!”
He glared at the tiny robot sat on the table before determinedly taking his seat. He furiously gripped the screwdriver and reached towards the robot with pure determina-
“OH SHIT SHIT SHIT!”
The robot burst into furious laughter and Barry threw the screwdriver onto the floor, staring at the robot with some betrayed expression. Lup clutched her sides as she giggled horrendously, snorting and wheezing and cackling, tears in her eyes.
“Oh my man that is hysterical! Do it again!”
He finally looked over at her and the betrayal left his eyes, instead replaced with something looser and more like glee. He let out a snort of laughter just looking at her like this; unhinged with laughter. He loved it when she was in this sort of mood.
“I guess it is pretty funny when you look back on it,” Barry said with a grin, before locking eyes with lup and they both burst into laughter again for seemingly no reason. It was a wonderous feeling.
And then they locked eyes. And they stopped. And something passed between them and something changed.
Lup had often wondered if she was capable of love. And looking at Barry like this, as though he had hung every star in the sky and then some, she still wasn't entirely sure. But she knew that she would try.
ii. first time sharing a bed
It was late. It was so, so late when Lup screamed. Considering all that they’d been through recently, it was actually somewhat of a miracle that her constant nightmares were always subdued. But this time it was different.
Usually her nightmares consisted of Taako dying in some dumb way, or them getting separated and never being able to see eachother again, or something completely dumb such as Lucretia turning into a goat or her soul inhabiting an umbrella or some shit. And all of that she could reason against, because Taako could take care of himself, and they shared such a bond that they’d never truly be apart, and the last one for blatantly obvious reasons. But this one was different.
In this one, Barry died.
And part of Lup hated herself for letting herself get so attached to him. Because she was.
It was stupid how much he’d began to consume her life, and how much she enjoyed it, and how much she’d hated it. In the nightmare he died with a smile on his face protecting his friends and he didn’t regenerate. She hated that so much, because there was no way of reasoning with it. They didn’t truly know how this magic keeping them together worked, so it's not unthinkable that maybe one year it just...wouldn't. And he died protecting them because he was such a fool and he would do anything for the ones he loved and there was absolutely no way to reason this with her mind, because he was such a good, good person and he had the biggest heart of anyone she’d ever met and he treated her as though he worshipped the ground she walked on. In a way nobody else ever had.
She had to go and see him right now. She had to check he was okay.
The good thing was that the only other one aboard the Starblaster currently was Davenport, who slept on the other side of the ship by the steering mechanisms and who everybody knew slept with opera music playing, so she didn't have to worry about getting found out. She hesitantly walked to his door (right next to hers. Perfectly), still wearing her oversized t-shirt and pajama shorts and knocked. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d ever felt so nervous about something. She wringed her hands together in anticipation and looked down to the floor, before remembering herself and keeping her chin up and trying to cross her arms in a faux-confident way. It hardly mattered either way- Barry knew her well enough at this point to tell when something was up.
She had raised her hand to knock again but the door opened slowly in front of her, opening up to reveal a sleep-dishevelled Barry. He tried to throw a smile at her and widen his eyes in an attempt to look normal, but he was so obviously tired with his hair sticking out at funny angles that it didn't really do much on his behalf. Concern crossed Lup’s face. He could see she had been crying.
“Hey Barry sorry um- did I wake you?”
He gave her an awkward smile and scratched his neck.
“It was pretty hard not to hear that scream you let out there,” an awkward bout of laughter passed between them, both wanting to say something but afraid to do so. Barry caved seeing the obvious panic Lup was in.
“I was actually um- I was gonna come and check on you but didn’t know if you wanted to be alone or not. Hey come inside.”
He led her to his bed, where they both sat in silence and just appreciated eachothers company for a while. Lup shut her eyes and just let herself be in this moment. She was teetering on a dangerous ledge, moments away from breaking and losing it, and Barry could feel it.
Barry is okay. Barry is fine. He’s right there, you haven’t got to worry anymore. He’s okay. He won’t leave you. You can go now.
She choked back a sob and looked him straight in the eyes. He’s real. He’s okay. He’s here. Just go.
Barry chewed his lip in concern.
“Hey Lup, are you alright?”
She broke.
A sob wracked her whole body. She was so tired of being strong and fearless and brave. She didn't want to have to keep this act up year after year after year. Slowly everybody had cracked and broke down at some point in the course of the years, because that's what the Hunger does to a person. But for once she just felt so small and so scared and so vulnerable, and she didn't want to exist in this moment. She didn’t know what she wanted anymore.
Immediately she covered her face with her hands, trying to prevent the quickly-moving tears from spilling out, or trying to stop Barry from really seeing her in this moment, because what would he think? Lup doesn't cry. Lup isn't supposed to cry goddamnit why was she crying?
Barry moved in an instant, his arms encircling Lup’s body and pulling her so impossibly close to him as she let out sob after sob. She buried her face in the crook of his neck and held on to him so tight that it was unbelievable they both didnt have difficulty breathing. He ran a hand up and down her back comfortingly and just holding her, and it was so ridiculous but Lup didn't think that she had ever felt so wanted before. She didn’t know how she had survived before without him.
Her breathing eventually slowed, and they just sat there together breathing (Barry's hand still rubbing her back) and it felt so intimate and comfortable and right . She pulled back from him eventually and wiped her eyes, and he let his hand rest on her arm, not saying anything. Waiting for her to dictate what came next, she realised. She hesitantly met his eyes, which were so soft, and knew that he would probably do anything she asked right then and there. She didn’t know what to do with this.
“Barry,” she whispered. Her voice sounded so lost. So broken. “Can I stay here tonight, please? I really don't want to be alone.”
She was making herself so vulnerable. A part of her hated it.
His face went impossibly red, but his voice held no hesitance when he said “of course you can Lup. Make yourself comfortable.”
She crawled under his white bed-cover and positioned her back against the wall so she had a full view of her surroundings. She was surrounded in the comforting smell of Barry, and immediately felt warm and safe. Barry looked at her and went bright red again, and she thinks she did too this time. But they were too tired to think about it.
Barry picked up a blanket from the end of his bed and rolled it out on the floor in the cramped floorspace by the bed, but Lup looked at him with a sort of fondness and hesitance and exasperation that made him stop slightly.
“You don’t have- you can sleep in the bed too if you want. This is your room Barry. There’s plenty of space-” that was a lie. The cramped single bed could barely fit one person. Two would be awkward at best.
“Oh um sorry I- I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t respect you or anything because I do! I respect you so much Lup and I wouldn’t ever want you to think I was like taking advantage of a situation or using this against you because I really admire you and I thought you might need space or something I dont know sorry I’m rambling-”
Lups heart swelled infinitely.
“It’s okay. I mean I don't mind.” She looked at him.
“Okay.” He looked back.
He rolled up the blanket and put it back where it belonged, and hesitated before approaching the bed. He lifted up the corner of the blanket and shot Lup a look, as if asking for permission, and nodded at him, watching as he crawled into the bed besides her. It took a little shuffling, but eventually they both fit somewhat-comfortably together, careful not to touch one another in their hesitance. Their faces were inches apart, their breaths mingling on the pillow between them, and Lup’s knees idly knocked into Barry’s under the blanket. Neither moved.
They were surrounded by darkness and quiet and eachother, the feeling of something utterly new and entirely different in the same breath. For the first time in a long while, Lup felt safe.
“It was you, Barry.” she whispered into the space between them. His eyes were locked onto hers and it took every inch of courage in her not to flee from this development, to let herself have this. “In my nightmare, it was you. I lost you.”
His hand slowly made its way towards her, and he brushed some of the curls out from her eyes, and she thought that he might kiss her. Then his hand moved down to where hers was and softly clasped in his own on the pillow between them.
Their eyes met in the dark, and Lup wasn’t sure what they were to eachother anymore. She knew that in the morning they’d have to deal with this. But for tonight, they slept, hand in hand.
iii. first dance
Lup had to admit, this was a pretty lit church ceremony. It was late in the evening in a cycle she couldn’t fathom, and they were nearing the end of the year. Merle, their resident cleric, had spent a year with a group of happy townspeople and taught them the way of Pan (as he did now in nearly any cycle with sentient beings)
There was now a decently sized church, always filled with people praying or giggling or something , and tonight was a special day for them; Merles birthday (Lup’s like 99% sure that he made that up for some extra worship, but like hell was she gonna call him our on it when it got her access to the party)
The room was crowded and full of raw energy and happiness. Merle sat on a seat just outside the church where the party had been set up, and several people were going and kissing the ground at his feet or pulling him into a delighted hug. She let out a quiet laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. The rest of the starblaster crew was spread out pretty decently- Magnus in some sort of competition with children near the front, Lucretia and Davenport chatting idly by the food table. Barry, with a concentrated look in his eyes, sat near the entrance to the church itself. The evening and dim light cast a weary look on his face. Lup thought it was better to not ask in this situation.
Her and Taako stood directly in the centre of all the fun, leading an energetic and happy dance surrounded by children and adults alike. The music was upbeat and the dancing was sloppy and quick, but everyone was enjoying themselves. Taako and her were relatively good at dancing, knowing eachother so well and having amazing instincts, and giddy joy took over Lup. She liked this carefree feeling with her brother. She didn’t want it to end.
They danced well into the evening, laughing the whole way. People came and went, but the crowd was now surging. Merle was dancing off by himself in the corner somewhere, although a group of people danced a ring around him, and Magnus and Lucretia danced and laughed in the corner, enjoying the stupidity of it all. Out of the corner of her eye Lup saw Barry sitting in the same place, but his head now held in his hands. She faltered for a second, but quickly joined back in with the dance.
Taako followed her gaze quickly, and his eyes darted towards her before he grinned and shouted “go get ‘im tiger!” over the music. She grinned back and watched him get swallowed by the crowd, his thumbs up sticking up over everyone.
Quickly she moved towards where Barry was (the crowd now surging around him. He wasn’t too far away) and stuck her arms out towards him.
“Barryyyyyyy,” she sang, “come dance with me!” and she grabbed his hands, pulling him along back into the crowd.
“Lup!” he exclaimed in mock horror, but his smile gave him away. She knew that he just needed a break from thinking, and he especially couldn't be feeling down at a party. She laughed and dragged him to the centre of the dance floor and danced with him in pure happiness, their hands never letting go.
He laughed and span her, and she laughed and their movements got quicker and sloppier but they were more overjoyed and confident and Lup rejoiced in it. Barry looked so happy. Lup couldn’t even think straight when there was so much energy surrounding them and the music and Barry were overloading all her senses. She was moving on autopilot.
Slowly the song drew to a close, and Barry giggled and bowed, and Lup laughed and did the same. And then they were hysterically laughing like idiots in the middle of the night at a church dance party, but it didn’t matter because everyone was.
But then her eyes locked on Taakos across the room as the song was ending, as she saw him hovering mysteriously close to the band. His eyes glinted mischievously, and he threw her his usual grin. She caught onto what was happening a second before the music started.
A fucking ballad.
Her face screwed up and she gave Taako the finger, turning back to Barry who was glowing a bright red. He cleared his throat and looked at her with determination, then stretched his palm out towards Lup, inviting her to dance. Lup stared at his hand for a second with delighted surprise, before scoffing and laying her hand in his grinning.
“You’re lucky, nerd.” She smiled softly.
He pulled her close to him and it was clear immediately that he had no idea what he was doing, so Lup led. They didn’t even move much really, but they were both staring down at their feet and breathing eachothers air and really? That was so much more intimacy than either was particularly acquainted with. Lup braved a glance and looked up at Barry, only to find he was already watching her. She couldn’t hide her startled response, but it quickly melted into a soft smile (she was getting so soft around him, she realised. It didn’t surprise her as much as it should of)
People were dancing slowly all around them, candles floating around them and the music continued for an eternity, but for Barry and Lup there was only eachother. Lup knew that off in some corner of the room Taako was smirking, perhaps drawing person after person into dance and delighting with their responses, and Lup loved that carefreeness about him. But she realised in this moment that she was different from him in a way they’d never really been different before.
When it came to emotions, both of them thought it easier to just not form ties with people. If they prevented themselves getting close then nothing would affect them. Any relationship had to be fast and feelings-less which, even now, Taako didn’t seem to be struggling. But with Barry’s arms around her and as her feelings grew, she thought that maybe she wasn’t like that, and maybe that would be okay. Maybe she could have this. Because when she looked into Barry’s eyes boy did she want it. And Taako encouraged it, so maybe that meant something too.
The music lulled to an end. Couples everywhere pulled away as the next song began, but Barry and Lup struggled to pull apart. They didn’t know what this was (more than a friendship. Not quite a relationship) but they knew it wasn’t allowed, and that it couldn’t go on much longer. They had to savour every moment.
iv. first kiss
It was cycle 32, and Barry was ecstatic. They were finally getting somewhere, and everybody could feel it. Within the first two months of arriving in this plane they had found the light of creation and have been given free reign to do whatever they pleased for the rest of their time here. Even better- Barry had been taking watch on the starblaster this time around, so he was very relieved to find out that he had been freed from his duty.
Everybody had been filled with childlike glee when Magnus and Davenport returned with the light, and he realised how close all of them had become. Over the course of many years they’d all grown together, learning eachothers likes and dislikes and flaws and strengths and weaknesses, and he felt like a valued team member and it felt so good. They’d all shared a breakfast meal together (the light having been returned at the crack of dawn) and just basked in eachothers presence, reluctant to leave. And when they did, there was an unspoken promise that none of them would go far.
And now Barry was hiking up some random hill that Lup had suggested on their first day of freedom. Taako had blatantly refused to do so as “the weight of all their envy and the knowledge that nobody could ever live up to his standards was already weighing him down” and that an “unnecessary mountain hike with two sappy chucklefucks was too much for his head to withstand.” Not that Barry was particularly complaining.
In fact he was perhaps a little ridiculously excited to be spending time with Lup away from the rest of the starblaster crew, especially without Taako making smirky faces at him across the room. Ever since he had told Taako about his feelings for Lup (not a crush on her. He discovered long ago that his feelings for her were that he was truly and deeply in love with her) Taako kept trying to simultaneously get him and Lup together and keep them as far from eachother as possible. But he would never make a move on Lup without explicit consent to do so, and Taako knew this completely, so he didn’t know why he even kept trying.
And it wasn’t even like they didn’t spend all their free time together anyways. It was just natural to do so now. It was even arguable that out of all the seven Lup and Barry had grown the closest in such a short amount of time (and it wasn’t arguable. They both knew it, but were too afraid to admit it to themselves)
“Come on, Barold! Put your heart into it! Walk like you mean it!” Lup hollered from a few feet ahead. She was pacing through the trees, hair messily tied up and her IPRE jacket tied around her waist, leaving her wearing just her plain white tank top and bearing her freckled arms to the world. Barry didn’t think he’d ever seen somebody so beautiful.
“This was your idea Lup! If you’d wanted somebody athletic you should have asked Magnus.”
She grinned, wild and happy and free, and took off back up the hill, Barry groaning tirelessly behind her.
When they finally reached the top, Barry was taken back. Lup was right; the view was definitely worth the walk. The sun was just beginning to set, and the small complexes of towns and villages look so quaint beneath them. Lup went and sat at the edge overlooking the scenery below, and turned towards Barry, laughing and beckoning him to sit with her. Gingerly he sat besides her.
“Woah.”
“I know right? Found this place a couple weeks back! You will not BE-LIEVE my shock when that little floating pheasant thingy led me here-”
She launched into the story of how she found this place, and Barry listened to every single word attentively (he always did with Lup) but he couldn’t take his eyes off of the way the last dregs of sunlight hit her face and casted her ethereal. She was grinning as she retold the events, and his eyes caught the little dimple in her left cheek. He glimpsed her multitude of freckles, and the slope of her nose, and her eyes and he didn’t know how much longer he could bear to keep these feelings in.
It had been 27 years since he had experienced the first flicker of love for her, and it had only grown with each year they spent together. They had been through so much together, their often-playful banter verging on flirting and they both knew there was some unsaid thing between them. They were closer than perhaps any others on the starblaster in an entirely different way, and he knew that coming here with her alone was a mistake, because all he wanted to do was be with her. This was bad for them. He didn’t want to destroy whatever it was between them, but he didn’t know how much longer he could hold himself back.
At some point the brief rays of sun morphed into the still blackness of the night, and they were lying on their backs on the hill, looking up at the stars. There was no playful talk between them now, just the stretching silence and the mutual knowledge that the night brought out different emotions in them. Made them more honest. More vulnerable.
There was a small sliver of space between Lup and himself that he was careful not to disturb.
It hurt Barry how much he wanted this, but how much more he wanted too. He wanted to lie under the stars with Lup atop a grassy hill strewn with flowers, but he didnt want any space between. He wanted to hold her hand and look in her eyes and tell her how important she was to him. He couldn’t stop watching her under the stars.
The air was silent with unsaid feelings.
Lup’s eyes twinkled under the moonlight. She looked so carefree, and he wondered when the last time was that she looked so happy. There was something about her under the stars that he wanted to capture forever. He didn't ever want to forget the way she looked tonight.
“The stars are beautiful,” she whispered, stretching a hand upwards as if to reach for them. She was so at ease here. Barry couldn’t take his eyes off of her.
“Like you,” he whispered back, and his eyes widened and cheeks burned with the realisation that he had said that out loud. To Lup.
Lup’s eyes widened slightly, before she put on a forced carefree-smile. Anybody who didn’t know Lup as well as Barry did might not have even noticed.
“Aw shucks Barold. Perks of being the pretty twin.” She threw in a laugh too, but Barry could see the redness on her skin in the dark.
She was trying to play it off. As if Barry wasn’t ten seconds away from confessing his undying love to her. He took a large gulp and saw Lup’s eyes follow his throat.
“Lup I-” his voice sounded so raw with emotion. He didn’t try to hide it. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right. “Lup. You're- you’re so beautiful. You’re breathtaking.”
He was bright red with the embarrassment of putting his feelings so out there, but there was no way Lup could write it off this time. He hesitantly looked at her and saw that she was burning red and had an undecipherable expression on. She watched him carefully and openly, most likely calculating what to do next. Barry patiently waited for her- he would wait forever for her if she needed. If this isn't what she wanted, he would stop. He averted his eyes downwards again.
“Barry,” Lup whispered after a moment. Her voice sounded confident but wavered slightly, ”kiss me.”
His eyes snapped upwards to hers, which were filled with a soft, lingering look. Then flickered down to her lips, then back to her eyes. They were both bright red.
“Are you um- are you sure? I don’t want to force you into anything-”
Her hand moved to his, guiding it to cup her cheek. She was so warm, so alive. He gulped again and bit his lip. They had shifted closer somehow, faces only inches apart now. His hand moved to brush the curls out from her eyes.
“Barry,” she whispered once again, a slight tremble in her voice now, “kiss me. Please”
So he did.
The second Lup’s lips touched his own he was set alight. 30 years of built up love was passed between every breath and every second their lips touched. Seconds were minutes were hours were the moments their lips were touching and their feelings were shared. His hands moved on their own accord further into her hair, and he pulled her as close as she could be until their bodies were crushed into one another. Lup kissed him with a passionate hunger and tenderness that only he got to see, and he kissed her as though he needed her to breathe. As if she was the only thing tethering him to this plane of existence altogether.
He pulled his head back to ask, “Lup, are you sure this is oka-” before their mouths were on eachothers again and the world melted away. Right now, in this moment, it was only them.
Lup shuffled to change their position, straddling Barry’s waist as they kissed and kissed and kissed, bodies one under the moonlight. He needed to get it all out. He needed her to know.
“Lup-” he pulled back, and she let him. Both of them breathing heavy and flushed and so so in love . Barry briefly mused that her freckles looked like the stars surrounding them, and knew that he would give Lup anything she ever wanted. She had a small smile on her face, and her eyes that looked down on him were so full of adoration and love Barry wondered how it took them both so long to confess.
“Lup I have to- you’re so beautiful. You’re the most beautiful being I think I’ve ever seen and I could stare at you for hours because you’re just breathtaking . And you’re so funny and witty and you stand up for yourself which I admire so much, but you’re also sweet and caring and just perfect-” he held his breath for a second. Lup’s eyes were wide and he wondered if she’d ever been told something like this before. She deserved to hear it. She shifted out of his lap and back to laying on the grass besides him. He moved his hand to trace the lines of her face.
“You’re so caring, and you’re willing to make yourself vulnerable, and I’ve never felt this way about anybody before I- I love you so much. For so long I’ve been in love with you and you deserve to know it. Because you don’t get told this enough. I’d give up the world for you.”
Her eyes were brimming with tears and she was red and biting her lip. She was beautiful. She was always beautiful.
“I love you so much Barry,” she whispered, closing her eyes and clasping his hand. She put their foreheads together. “Thank you. For everything. I love you.”
She pressed her lips to his again, and this one was shorter and sweet and tasted of tears. But they had eachother now, and that was all that mattered.
He knew the starblaster crew would be wondering where they are, but he couldn’t think to care when he had his whole life in front of him. Their legs were intertwined and they were hopelessly in love. He pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose because she was here and she was real, and he blearily thought about the excuses he’d make up for the crew tomorrow. But for tonight, it didn’t matter, and Barry and Lup slept curled together and safer than they’d felt, the stars shining above them.
v. first argument
Things had not gone well in the last few cycles.
Barry and Lup had grown closer and closer with every passing minute (and they were pretty sure most of the Starblaster crew had their suspicions now, but they hadn’t told anyone besides Taako. It wasn’t any of their business) but growing closer also made things so much harder.
There was so much difficulty in daily life now; everybody would have breakfast together and Lup would have to stop herself from looking at Barry because she wouldn’t be able to stop. Or they’d be going on a mission that year with another person, and for that whole year they would have to stop any contact between them because they couldn’t know. Not yet.
Those times were the hardest, where Barry desperately wanted to hold Lup’s hand, or Lup wanted to tell Barry how much she loved him, or they just wanted to do regular coupley-shit and couldn’t. It was hurting them both more than they let on.
And as much as they didn’t want to admit it, it was affecting their roles in the team too. Because they were both scared to die now and no longer rushed in head first, and they worked less because any scarce moment alone was filled with pure love and adoration. So it only made sense that they would face the repercussions too.
The next year Lup died in the first two weeks of them landing, and Barry found himself more alone for that year than he’d ever felt.
Even though through the few cycles since their confession they’ve had minimal contact and hardly indulged their relationship the way they liked (Every second was stolen. Secret glances and brief hand touches and resting their foreheads together as they slept) he had the knowledge that she was there. They still had their banter and meaningful talks at ridiculous times. He didn’t quite know how to cope with losing her so early this time.
Because she wasn’t just a lover to him- she was so much more . From the first few cycles they had been close; work partners, best friends. She had been important to him from the start and while she had died a couple times, it was never this early. And never since their relationship became a thing.
But now she was back; them having regenerated approximately 6 hours ago. And they were sitting on the grass a little ways away from the Starblaster, fingertips lightly touching and hidden in the grass. They were both thinking intently, and Barry didn’t know how much longer he could bear the tension. Luckily Lup broke the silence with a grin.
“So Barold; Taako tells me you were moping around this whole cycle. Did you really miss me that much?” She batted her eyelashes playfully at him and moved her hand further over his, but he drew back and looked away from her.
“Awww my Denim-Dream are you embarrassed? We’ve been apart a whole year and you won’t even hold my hand?” She laughed and he snapped his head towards her.
“What the fuck Lup?” His tone was harsh, but he didn’t think to care. He was hurting.
“You were gone for a whole fucking year. You died so easily. I watched you die .”
Lup’s face grew colder. She was not going to let the blame be shifted onto her when she did nothing wrong.
“Well you can’t blame me for that Barry, that’s sort of our job here? And you knew I was going to regenerate anyways-”
“That doesn’t make it any less painful!” his tone was rising fast. Lups expression hardened. “I was so lonely this year Lup, did you think about that?”
“There are five other people aboard that ship to give you company Barry and our job isn’t exactly to socialise! We’re meant to be saving whole worlds! And I’m sorry that you were too busy wallowing in self pity to do that!” She had hit a nerve and she knew it. They were both shouting now and standing. “Do you think on my first day back I wanted to be blamed by the man who’s supposed to be my good ole’ boyfriend for doing the right thing?”
“Well I’m sorry I’m not fucking good enough for you then Lup! Because I try my fucking hardest to please you and this is how I get repaid? And I’m the shitty one?”
“Yeah Bluejeans, you are.” She was hitting low blow after low blow and Barry didn’t know what to say anymore. It was clear she was trying to hurt him, but nothing could prepare him for it. “You’re a fucking shitty boyfriend who doesn’t even want to tell our friends that we’re dating because he’s too fucking ashamed. If you don’t want to fucking be with me Barry then don’t! I sure as fuck don’t want to be with somebody who just uses me.”
“Fuck you Lup,” he looked at her with so much anger that is was a surprise she didn’t wither under his glare, “I hope you’re fucking happy. Because I’m done with you.”
Both of them were red with anger and had tears streaming down their cheeks. Barry looked at her for a moment, before turning on his heel and walking to the starblaster and not looking back once.
Lup watched him walk all the way to the starblaster, the anger long gone, and kept staring a while after he had gone inside. And then she dropped to her knees.
This wasn’t how her first day back should have gone. She wanted to spend it cuddling with Barry under the stars and wanted him to tell her that he loved her. Not this at all.
She didn’t even cry. She just lay there in the middle of the grassy field, staring at nothingness. She didn’t want to move or cry or breathe. Well she wanted to cry, but she didn’t. Because she was stronger than that. But she wondered if the numbness she was feeling was any better.
A part of her wanted to lay here forever doing nothing, and a part of her wanted Barry to rush back outside and swoop her up in his arms and take her inside and to his bed and cuddle her, and a part of her wanted to go back inside with her head high and pretend none of this ever happened. But she was not going to beg. If Barry wanted her back then he’d apologise, but she wasn’t going to feel as though she was wrong. She would apologise after.
Or maybe he really was done with her. That hurt her more than she would probably ever admit.
With a sigh she stood up and looked back at the starblaster, dejectedly walking towards it. She wanted to sleep. She’d sort this out in the morning. She couldn’t think.
Quietly she made her way down the halls to where her bedroom was, walking very slowly past Barry’s (their rooms were next to one another, usually a blessing but this time a curse) It was dead silent, so she assumed he was sleeping. She pretended not to care. Her feet led her to her door and she opened it without even thinking, nearly screaming when she saw a person sitting on her bed.
“Sup, sis,” Taako saluted her, keeping his carefree attitude present even though Lup was clearly distressed. She didn’t know how to feel. She wanted to sleep.
“Yo, my brother,” she mimicked the salute in a much more dejected way. Taako cocked his head.
“Things not going well with Mr. Bluejeans? Saw him walking round the hall all mopey. What’d you dooooooo?”
“I didn’t do anything Taako,” Lup snapped at him. It's not her fault Barry has a problem. Taako's gaze softened slightly (In the way it only ever did around her) and she sat besides him on the bed hesitantly. Taako stayed silent and knew Lup needed to talk. She took a second to breathe.
“He’s angry because I died,” she said it numbly, looking off at the wall instead of Taako. He could tell she was hurt. “But I can’t help that Taako. This is our mission, and it comes first, and he doesn’t have the right to be mad.”
Taako sighed.
“Lulu, he’s scared.”
“Why the fuck is he scared? He knows I’m gonna come back in a year! He can survive that long” Everything was a blur. She felt as if the fire inside her would never burn out.
She looked up and Taako was gazing at her with a strange expression.
“He’s scared that you won’t come back. That's what love does to a person, Lup. He just doesn’t want to lose you.”
Lup’s hands trembled where they rested on her knees. She wasn’t used to anybody besides Taako caring whether she made it out of something safely. Nobody had ever wanted to be with her like this. Taako gazed at her knowingly.
“Barry he’s- he’s different, isnt he?”
She knew what he was referring to. Lup had often thought herself incapable of love, because she’d never really had it before. She had quick flings and fleeting sudden romances but nothing ever lasted, she never let it last before. But Barry- she wanted to love him. And she wanted him to love her too. And she couldn't see a day where they weren't together anymore after she had loved him so hard for so long.
“I love him Taako,” she whispered and a single tear fell. When did she let herself grow so vulnerable? “More than anything. I love him so much.”
He looked at her, and that was all she needed. When he left she felt comfortable and knew everything with Barry was going to work out. She wouldn’t allow it not to.
It was about 1am when she broke. Through the walls she could hear Barry next door sobbing hysterically and knew this wasn’t okay. She loved him. He couldn't ever be sad.
She gathered up her courage and sat on her bed, lightly knocking on the wall besides her (so similar to so many years ago when she had done the same thing for him so many times) and whispered, “Barry, I’m sorry. I love you. We’re going to get through this.”
And the crying stopped. And there was a light tap on the wall and she knew he was resting his forehead against it and she did the same.
“I love you Lup.”
It was as if he was right next to her, and she knew everything was going to be okay.
vi. first time
Hand in hand they ran up the tall-grass hill, so ecstatically happy in a way they rarely ever were. They had performed their duet in front of everyone, which they had practiced for a year , and no doubt were they successful- they were perfect . A year of hard work and practice and fleeting glances and lingering touches and moments finally alone together away from the rest of the crew. It was difficult to find moments alone sometimes, what with their search for the light of creation and the fact that there was nearly always someone with them at all times. Work was a priority, and their relationship had to come second, and they both resented that. But that just meant that every moment alone was filled with passion and desire and pure unadulterated love.
This was a moment where they were both so overwhelmingly happy, and the team knew to give them some time. These days it felt like they had all the time in the world. They ran hand in hand up the hill, giggling and never letting go. Barry hadn’t stopped smiling since the performance ended and he gazed at Lup’s face, seeing all the love that she no longer had to hide. He was so happy.
The grass tickled their knees and nothing could phase them. Lup tumbled and dragged Barry down with her, their hands still linked, and they lay side by side in the grass. He reached out and traced the lines of her face, both of them still smiling like idiots. This was their moment; nothing could sour it now.
“We did it,” she whispered to him giddily, “we fuckin’ did it.”
Lup was always whispering around him. He loved her. Barry smiled wide and kissed her on the nose, and on the forehead, and the cheeks and eyes and ears and anywhere he could get his lips, now straddling her.
“Baaaaaaaarry-” She laughed softly, the shower of love bringing colour to her cheeks in the way only he ever could. He pulled back and looked into her eyes, linking their hands once again.
“We did it Lup. I knew we could” he whispered, resting their foreheads together. He teased, ”There’s no going back nowwwwww.”
“I wouldn’t want to,” and he knew she didn’t. Everything about her right now was sincere and happy, and this was the most beautiful he had ever seen her. Every time he saw her she seemed more beautiful.
They kissed again, but they were both smiling too wide for it to really count. Lup rolled them over so that she was on top, and took his face in her hands.
“You’re amazing Barry,” and then she kissed him, “You’re so fucking amazing to me. I love you so much.”
Surprise must have shown up on his face, because she looked away and said, “god Barry you know I do.”
And she seemed nervous, and he didn’t want that, so his instinct took over and he rolled her beneath him again and started tickling her like wild and kissing anywhere his lips would reach.
If any other person were doing this he knew that Lup would have responded badly, because there is a surprising level of distrust Lup had in people and she did not take well to tickling at all. But she was howling with laughter beneath him and hopelessly trying to push him off. He loved her when she was like this; when she was so happy she couldn’t breathe. Her happiness made him happy too, and soon enough they were both laughing, until Lup finally tugged Barry besides her and rested her forehead against his.
“Marry me,” she said without a hint of hesitation, as if this was something she had been waiting to say. “I love you so damn much. Marry me.”
He looked into her eyes and grinned.
“Yes Lup. Fuck, of course yes.”
She flung her arms around his neck and they were laughing and kissing and just enjoying being alive. They were in a grassy field in the middle of nowhere, having run off far enough to be away from sight of the whole starblaster crew and the Performance Room itself, and further hidden beneath the grass. This moment belonged to them, and he couldn’t remember the last time either of them had been so happy.
He rolled back on top of her and kissed her deeply with every ounce of love he could muster. And then her jaw, and her neck, and her shoulder. She was the love of his life and he didn't think he could ever convey to her how much she meant to him, but he would try.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his lips back to hers, before tugging on the hem of his shirt (suit jacket long discarded) and whispering “is this okay?” when he bit his lip and nodded yes.
Sex had never come up for them; both surprisingly hesitant, and neither particularly felt that they needed it, but today felt right. Barry’s fingers were in Lup’s hair and her arms were tight around him. He could feel the fear radiating off of her, so he pulled back just far enough to look into her eyes.
“Hey Lup are you alright? We don’t have to do this if you don’t want. You know I’m not gonna force you.”
She averted her eyes downwards and flushed red, before clearing her voice. She linked her hand with Barry’s.
“Barry, I’m pretty sure you already know but you know I’m- you know I’m transgender right? I’m not ashamed of it and I really don’t think it’s important and I hope you don’t either but I thought I’d give you a heads up about my anatomy in case-”
He silenced her with a kiss, before pulling back and mustering up all the love and conviction he could.
“I know Lup, and it doesn’t matter to me. It’s never mattered. I love you more than anything. You’re so beautiful.” He nuzzled their noses together and pressed a light kiss to her lips.
“Lup, you’re the greatest woman I’ve ever known and I would give anything a million times over to make you happy. I love you so much.”
Lup let out a smile and kissed him deeply and lovingly, before rolling him onto his back, the both of them grinning.
They loved eachother so powerfully and it showed in every touch and gaze and emotion, and they stayed out in the field until dawn, enjoying every second spent together to the fullest. Together they were Barry and Lup, the epitome of love.
.
.
vii. their last chance
Barry had lost track how long ago Lup had died. He had forgotten when everybody else forgot her existence entirely.
Time had always been something they believed they had so much of, but really? Barry thought they’d always run out.
And now she was here. He could feel her here. Somewhere.
He stood side by side with Lucretia, the woman who had knowingly made his life hell for years, who had carelessly wiped everyone's minds of Lups very existence. And he knew that in time he would forgive her. Together, alongside the remnants of the starblaster crew with their memories now in tact, they had staved off the hunger. They had destroyed the grand relics once and for all. They were bruised and they were tired, and they were all so upset over these 100 forgotten years, over Lup (Taako couldn’t look any of them in the eye. Barry wondered if something inside Taako had shattered permanently) But with one shared look between them, they collapsed.
The six of them were kneeling on the floor in an excuse for an embrace, tears finally breaking their way from each one of them. They were so tired of fighting, and right now they just needed one another. Their team. Their family. Their home.
Barry looked down at the umbrastaff hanging loosely from a tie on Taako’s robes and let his mind wander back to Lup, as it so often did. He had never stopped looking for her, determined that he would feel something if she were truly dead. And he knew she wasn’t. She couldn’t be. He couldn’t imagine Lup, with her fierce eyes and brilliant smile and general overwhelmingness , to ever die. It was as though her soul were too big. Too bright. There wasn’t a single scenario where he could imagine her being overpowered, being killed (because he couldn’t bring himself to say that she did this to herself. That she left him- all of them. That she was her own end)
And then he looked back, and the umbrastaff was shaking, and while Barry was not exactly knowledgeable in the arcane tool of destruction which had belonged to his former lover, he knew it wasn’t meant to do that. And judging by Taako’s face, he knew it wasn’t either.
Seconds passed in silence, before a brilliant light erupted from the tip of the umbrastaff and launched itself into the sky. A beacon of light shot into the night air, easily hundreds of feet high, so bright they all had to cover their eyes. And then abruptly, it stopped.
And there on the ground, singed and beaten but fully conscious, was Lup.
A guttural choke of a sob ripped its way from Taako’s throat as he lunged at her, his grip on her so tight as he sobbed into her hair. If this was a different scenario Barry might have considered that Taako hadn’t shown this level of emotion in over a century. Maybe he would have noticed anything if his gaze wasn’t fixed tight on Lup.
She looked exhausted. Her dress and robes were torn and badly singed, and even just by looking at her he could see that she had aged. Her face was buried in Taako’s neck as she sobbed and Barry’s heart briefly surged. It had been decades since he had heard Lups name aloud, and hearing Taako whispering “ you’re alive, Lup. You’re here” set something off inside him.
It had been decades, and she still looked exactly the way he remembered her the night before she left. His heart was on fire. Everything was on fire. He resisted the urge to pull her from Taako, because he knew how much this meant to the both of them. He had waited a thousand years for this moment. He would wait a million more if he had to. If it meant Lup would be happy.
Eventually Taako let go of her and dragged a hand across his face, more emotion there than any of them had ever seen him express. And they both let out tired laughs through their tears. And then Lup’s eyes found Barry’s over Taako’s shoulder and a sob racked her body.
He took it back. He couldn’t wait a second longer.
“Barry,” she sobbed, and he ran to her.
Their arms around eachother were so tight he thought they might break, but he long since stopped caring. He looked in her eyes, oh how he missed this. He drowned in every detail of her face, mapping it with his fingers and the tears kept falling.
“Lup,” he whispered, his voice raw. “Lup.”
There were no other words. He pulled her tighter and tighter, as if maybe they’d merge into one person altogether. He wouldn’t ever let her go again. She pressed their lips together desperately over and over and over, salty with tears and overpowered with love.
“How are you- how are you back I-”
“Who cares?” She let out a grin through the tears and kissed him again, pulling him impossibly closer. He needed to take all of her in desperately, running his hands through her hair and cupping her neck and her face and her waist-
A rational part of his brain kicked in that they were in public, that the IPRE crew were behind them. But he didn’t care. All that mattered now was that Lup was here again. She was breathing. She was alive. He rested their foreheads together and let out a choked sob.
“Lup I- I never stopped looking for you I- fuck. I knew you were out there I fucking wouldn’t ever stop looking for you. I’d- I’d always find you.” His breathing was laboured and his voice was thick with tears, but Lup was looking at him as though he was the only person alive.
“I know-” she let out a sob, “I’m so fucking sorry I- I love you so fucking much.”
He kissed her again. And again. He wouldn’t ever stop until the moment he died. He wanted every second of his life to be spent with Lup, kissing her or touching her or just being with her.
This was theirs, and only theirs. They had lost so much in their 100 years together, but they had gained so much too. And now this was their last chance. There would be no coming back if they died, and they would grow up and move on in life. There was no undo button, no resetting. And that was terrifying, but also so fucking relieving to both of them. He would love her until the day he dies, and he knew Lup felt the same in her entirety.
Together they were alive.
And together they were happy.