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Isak already knows this is a bad idea.
He’s known it for a while now.
He knew it when Jonas told him who had strolled back into town.
He knew it when he picked up his phone a few nights ago - slightly drunk and very lonely. He knew it when he dialed the only number he could never forget. He knew it when the sweetest voice in the world answered, deep yet light at the same time, with a simple, “hello”.
He stands in front of his full-length bathroom mirror. He smooths the nonexistent wrinkles on his too-tight button up shirt again, straightens his collar needlessly, and runs his fingers through his blonde curls again and again…and again.
He’s nervous.
But not in a bad way. He’s oh-my-god-I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening again nervous. He’s ready-for-anything nervous. He’s excited-jittery, happy, happy, happy nervous.
He reaches beside him to grab the brush sitting on the bathroom counter and runs it through his freshly washed, just dried hair for the millionth time.
He wipes the corner of his mouth where some left-over pasta sauce sits from his dinner, pops his lips, and smiles.
He does know everything that is about to happen tonight is a bad, bad, horrible idea.
But he’s excited anyway.
He’s always excited to see Even.
His heart races when he thinks of the other boy’s plump pink lips that are so soft against his own, his skin tingles when he thinks about Even’s carefree full-of-life laughter, and every hair on his body stands on edge when he imagines Even’s large callused hands placed delicately yet firmly on his lower back – pulling him closer so he can touch more and taste more and breath more of Isak.
It’s been a few months since they’ve seen each other but that’s nothing new. This is just how they work.
They met about five years ago when Isak was a second year and Even was a third year at Nissen and they immediately fell in lust. Isak was a shy, grumpy teenager who was angry with the whole world and just barely peeking out on the closest when Even swooped in. Even on the other hand was made up of nothing but confident strides across the school yard and a loud contagious laugh that always managed to grab everyone’s attention. But for some reason, a reason still to this day Isak cannot seem to understand, he caught Even’s attention right back.
He walked over to Isak one day in the schoolyard, smile high and wide and happy, his words calm, cool, and collected. He was so sure of himself. Him and his dumb jean jacket and the stupid way he winked and the pansexual pride pin he wore oh-so proudly, “You’re Isak Valtersen, right? I think you have Biology with my friend Sana. Wanna chill after school?”
Just like that. It was that simple.
They spent every waking moment together back then. They laughed, partied, played, and fucked…a lot. Even was pretty much Isak’s first everything. His first friend that he didn’t know since diapers, his first kiss with a boy, his first fuck, his first love.
And Isak’s lust did turn into love eventually. True love. It was inevitable. Isak couldn’t imagine a single universe where he would be able to stop himself from falling in love with Even. It was impossible not to. Even’s crisp, clear blue eyes always made Isak’s heart go weak.
Even loves Isak too, Isak knows he does.
Neither of them has ever said it out loud though. That would really break the rules. They don’t do the lovey-dovey-feeling-confession thing. They can see the love in each other’s eyes and feel the passion in each touch. Like, when Even’s fingertips caress Isak’s skin, leaving a trail of heat behind, one that Isak can feel for days after. When Even presses his full lips against Isak’s ear and tells him how pretty he is when he comes around his fingers. When Even traces the curve of Isak’s upper lip and Isak can’t help but smile and feel warm everywhere. When their arms are wrapped tightly around each other and nothing else in the world has ever felt that right.
When Even is inside of Isak, moving and stretching, and Isak finally feels complete.
That’s all they need. They don’t need the actual words. Just being with each other is enough.
During their time in school they were always together. It took a few months for Isak to realize Even was sleeping with other people. But when he did find out he didn’t say anything. He cried silently and would drunk ramble to Jonas about it from time to time but that was mostly it. He thought they were exclusive but they never actually talked about it or decided on it. Hell, they didn’t even say they were boyfriends. So, he didn’t bother bringing it up. It was his mistake for assuming.
Even isn’t really a relationship kind of person. He’s too wild and unpredictable. He’s horrible at planning and is always inexplicably impulsive.
Isak didn’t mess around with anyone else at the time, but it didn’t bother him very much that Even did either, because he knew that no matter what Even did when he was gone, he was always coming back to one person…Isak. He didn’t touch those people the same way he touched Isak and he never would because he wouldn’t know how to. Those touches were made just for a certain green-eyed boy with grumpy words and a slight obsession with snapbacks.
And that was everything he needed to know.
Even is a free spirit. He likes to live fast and fun. He likes adventure and no strings and sex.
So, after high school, Even took off and he took off alone.
That was the first time that he broke Isak’s heart. He left without even saying goodbye. Sure, he left a simple note that Isak soaked with tears and then ripped to pieces. Isak didn’t even remember exactly what it said. Some kind of poetic bullshit about needing to explore the world and be free of obligation. Isak assumed he was lumped together with what Even considered “obligation”.
Even didn’t get in contact with Isak until months later. He showed up at Isak’s apartment, interrupting Isak’s studying session late one night, where he lived with his wonderfully sweet boyfriend - Erik - and their dog - Aries.
Isak wanted to be mad. He wanted to yell and cry and hit Even in his stupid, perfect, beautiful face. He always wished he could be angry with Even fucking Bech Næsheim. But he couldn't be. Those blue eyes melt him every time and that soothing close-lipped smile shakes his insides-out. And Even never promised him anything. He never promised anyone anything.
Isak cheated on Erik with Even…a lot. And when he found out he left, taking Aries with him. And a few months later, so did Even.
He left another note and a picture of the new car he was taking on his road trip. That was the second time Even broke Isak’s heart.
This has been going on for years now. Isak’s heart has grown a little colder, a little tougher, and guarded around the edges.
Even blows into Isak’s life unexpectedly over and over again and leaves even quicker than he came. And Isak lets it happen each and every time. No matter where he is in life or who he’s with in life, he’ll stop, just for Even. Even though he knows that Even’s presence in his life is always just temporary.
There is a special place in Isak’s heart just for that beautiful fucking idiot with eyes that can tell a hundred stories with just one stare. He has a hold on Isak that he will never be able to explain – he couldn’t even if he tried.
It was irrational.
It was love.
He will always fully embrace it though. It’s stupid and destructive. He should stop it. But he knows that he never will.
He makes his way to his bedroom quickly, kicking the discarded clothes in the corner - it took him fucking forever to find something to wear.
His phone chimes as he slips on his shoes.
He hops on one foot over to his bed while trying to squeeze into them.
He swipes the screen, I’m outside, babe.
.
.
.
This time Even’s car is a convertible - red, rough, and dangerous looking.
When Isak came out of the building Even was leaning against the slightly dented hood, one foot resting against the bumper. He had one cigarette lit between his pink chapped lips and another tucked behind his ear while he tossed his lighter into the air. His hair was wind-blown and wild and a little longer than it was the last time Isak had seen him. Loose strands hung carelessly against Even’s forehead and Isak wanted to do nothing more than run his fingers through the straight, soft locks.
Isak lost his breath. It always felt like that very first time when he saw Even again.
And in those moments Isak realizes why he lets this happen. He knows why he lets Even come in and out of his life – taking another piece of him every time. He’ll take Even any way that he can get him because of this. This feeling he gets every time Even turns up again. This amazing, earth-shattering, practically indescribable feeling.
This feeling of excitement and passion and danger and love.
His heartbeat speeds and his hands shake and his mind opens the minute he sees Even’s face again.
Even makes Isak feel free. No matter what life Isak has built for himself without Even in it…Even is always lingering. His smell and smile and beauty and impact – like a lightening bolt hitting Isak at full speed.
No matter how black and white Isak’s world is, made up of science and facts and textbooks and school, Even is just around the corner, ready to add the most beautiful splash of color.
He makes Isak feel like absolutely anything is possible. He likes the passion and carelessness and all the danger the older boy comes with.
It’s okay if they can’t be together, together. They probably wouldn’t work that way, anyway. Isak liked security and patterns. He liked knowing what was coming next and being prepared for it. While, on the other hand, Even liked to play things fast and loose. He hated feeling tied down with plans and rules and restrictions. This is how they were supposed to fit into each other’s lives.
Even’s dirty-blonde hair was pushed out of his face by a pair of dark unneeded sunglasses.
He wore skin tight-torn blue jeans paired with a simple white V-neck shirt and a tight-fitting leather jacket.
When he looked up and spotted Isak coming towards him, he smiled, and Isak’s heartbeat fell into a perfect, familiar rhythm. He felt at home under Even’s gaze.
The breeze picked up and tickled his skin and he knew that he was ready for whatever adventures tonight had planned for him. He could smell the possibilities in the air.
He wasn’t going to worry about Even leaving, he was just going to enjoy this moment. Because even though he knows Even is going to leave, he is just as sure that he’ll be back again.
.
.
.
Now they drive into the cold dark night with no plans. No destination. The streets of Oslo wind and curve and are completely empty.
Isak puffs on the blunt Even had hidden in his glove box. He pushes his hair back behind his ears when the wind becomes too much and his curls keep hitting him in the eye. Even tells him he's beautiful and that he wants to leave a hickey on the smooth pale skin of his neck and Isak blushes - pushing Even’s shoulder playfully.
Even places his hand lightly on Isak’s thigh and smiles when he notices the goose-bumps that begin rise on the blonde’s arms.
“Why are you wearing a short sleeve shirt, silly boy? Where’s your jacket?” Even chuckle-asks, already knowing the answer “It’s freezing tonight.”
He speaks the truth. It’s January and there is a sharp cold chill in the air. But Isak wore a tight fitting short sleeve button up because he knows how much Even liked his arms. He always whispered the loveliest words about how he loves how toned and strong they were. He loved how they shook as Isak tried to hold himself up-right whenever Even made him come.
And Even knows.
But he teases, he begins to rub his hand up and down the fabric on Isak’s thigh slowly, and Isak swears he feels the heat burning right through the pants and onto his bare skin “not that I’m complaining…”
Isak lets smoke fall from his lips and glances over at the man beside him. He laughs.
Isak doesn’t know how it’s possible but Even really does get more and more beautiful every time he sees him. His flushed cheeks glow under the moon’s light and his long lashes curl so delicately.
The words I love you hang on the tip of his tongue but he holds them back. He always does.
Instead, “What are we doing tonight?”
Even clicks his tongue and his eyebrows furrow as if he’s deep in thought. His eyes move rapidly between the long empty road ahead of him and then over to Isak.
“Hmmm,” he hums.
The car swerves when Even looks over again. His hand moves higher on Isak’s thigh - his fingertips leaving burns still, even over the fabric. Isak feels his legs quiver.
Isak shakes his head with a laugh, “Keep your fucking eyes on the road. You’re going to kill us.”
“I wouldn’t mind if you were the last thing I got to see before I died.”
Isak rolls his eyes. But his stomach flips. Even has always been smooth with his words like that, even when they’re slightly cheesy and completely annoying.
Even squeezes Isak’s knee softly, reassuringly, and its Isak’s favorite feeling in the word. To feel safe and with Even.
“We can do whatever you want, baby” Even smiles. He watches Isak’s lips while he smokes. “You’re smoking all my weed” He laughs.
Isak smirks and brings the blunt back to his cold, bright colored lips, “Finders keepers” He shrugs.
They continue to drive down the deserted road in a comfortable silence. Trees, lamp posts, and signs fly by. Even tends to speed.
Smoke continues to fill Isak’s lungs and his head begins to feel deliciously light. He feels good. He feels amazing. This feels right.
After a while the men reach a small beach on the far side of town. It’s completely deserted and silent.
Even pulls into the parking lot and is out of the car before Isak can even unbuckle his seat-belt. Isak follows him - he’d follow him anywhere.
It’s midnight. It’s pitch black but Isak can still see Even’s bright blue eyes in the light of the stars. His eyes always hold daydreams and mystery. It’s one of his favorite things about Even.
They kick off their shoes and run to where the water kisses the shore again and again. It’s fucking freezing but they stick their toes in anyway and laugh as they shiver.
They hold hands and walk and collect rocks. Isak trips and falls (maybe accidentally on purpose) so that Even stumbles along with him.
He lands on top of the blonde with a grunt and then a laugh.
His thumb brushes away the stray specs of sand under Isak’s beautiful green eyes.
Isak reaches up and cups his hands gently around the sides of Even’s neck and lets his fingertips trace the curve of his collarbone. His soft hair falls into his eyes, so Isak pushes it behind one of his ears.
He can smell his citrus-based cologne and his new leather jacket and a slight hint of smoke. Even.
“How long are you in town?” Isak asks in a whisper “How long do I have you for?”
He wants to know, even though no amount of time will ever be enough.
“Leaving tomorrow night” Even replies casually. "Will I get to see you then too? “
Isak smirks. Shakes his head slowly. "Can’t. It’s Henry’s birthday.”
“Who’s Henry?”
“My boyfriend.”
Even lets out a loud, happy laugh before he leans down and presses his lips to the red ones beneath him.
Isak tastes like happiness. Even tastes like trouble.
These are the moments that matter.
These are the moments they live for.
Tonight, the men will wreak havoc. Tomorrow Isak will go back home to his comfortable life with his comfortable part-time job and university classes and sweet boyfriend.
Tomorrow Even will drive away with a smile on his face and a cigarette between his fingers - ready to break hearts and play games.
These are the moments that life is made of.
As they kiss, everything falls away but the two of them. They are the only two people in the world.
And Isak is home.