Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

~Man do I enjoy it when I don’t have to put together a “Previously On” montage…~

Tinkerbell: Hey look it’s the Disney Interactive Studios logo. Dafuq am I doing here.

Square Enix logo: We are amazing and you will buy every game we’ve ever made because we make the guys very, very pretty. Is what we would’ve said pre-FFXIII but at least XV exists and we’re remaking VII, amirite?

Game title: ‘Sup.

Aqua, Terra, and Ventus: YAAAAAY SHOOTING STAR IS TEH PRETTY AND OUR GRAPHICS ARE SUDDENLY LEAGUES BETTER THAN THEY EVER WILL BE UNTIL 0.2, BACK COVER, AND III.

Keyblades: WE EXIST.

Master Xehanort: I have feet. They are menacing.

Aqua: I just turned my head.

Ventus: I appear to be talking to you.

Armored dudes: Why do we have billowy capes, they serve no purpose other than looking cool and getting in our way.

Aqua, Terra, and Ventus: Oh come on, “Simple and Clean” again?! For the love of Merlin, come up with a different song already, we’re sick of the two we’re constantly stuck with!

Terra: I’m getting frequent and annoying visions of us dressed in armor, it’s kinda freaking me out.

Armored!Terra: I AM RUNNING!

Master Xehanort: Apparently I’m an earth bender.

Armored!Terra: Ow. Wait, we’re not even wearing armor in this scene, why is this cutscene making us wear them?

Aqua: Probably so we can look badass and awesome. Also I’m standing in front of stain glass right now. It is pretty. I wish we could go inside this building more often than not at all.

Terra: I don’t get it, how are you not out of breath right now?! You’re wearing a fucking corset!

Aqua: Iunno, now shut up and fight me.

Terra: The impression is that you’re kicking my ass, meaning that we’ve finally got an original female character in these games who actually fucking does something.

Aqua: Well…Xion did things, but mostly you had to rescue her ass or cover for her or fix her fuck-ups and stuff. Me, I actually seem to be competent and know generally what I’m doing. WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

Ventus: I don’t know, but I get the feeling that this game’s going to be fucking awesome — where the hell did that door come from.

Master Xehanort and Vanitas: Don’t worry about it.

Vanitas: I am vaguely threatening and am holding my hand out to you in an eerie throwback...foreshadow?...to Riku.

Ventus: Cool.

Vanitas: FEAR MY ARM’S STRETCHY POWERS OF STRETCHINESS.

Ventus: And now everything’s super dark. Crap. What the fuck am I holding. *drops it*

Aqua: Looks like it transformed into a star pendant charm thing. Yay mine’s blue and not some stereotypically girly color like pink or something. I just keep getting cooler and cooler with every moment that I’m on screen.

Ventus: Yay I get the green one, that’s cool.

Terra: So I think I’m basically the leader type person thing dude guy place, so by all rights I should be getting a red one, but I like how it’s yellow instead, that is also cool.

Aqua, Terra, and Ventus: Aaaaaand they flew away. Crap.

Stained glass thing of Aurora: What the crap do any of our stain glass things at the beginnings of the games have to do with anything.

Stained glass thing of Cinderella: Well at least in this game we’ll actually be involved.

Stained glass thing of Snow White: And by involved I assume you mean we’ll stand around and be pathetic while the main characters do all the work.

Stained glass thing of Cinderella: Well of course, but at least we have a fellow woman actually doing shit this time instead of just waiting around for the men to do everything.

Stained glass thing of Snow White: True ‘nuff.

Star Seeker Keyblade: Hey I have charms and crap it’s pretty and I don’t think anyone outside of Mickey ever actually ever used me.

Master Xehanort: Hey, remember me, I’m the villain?

Armored!Terra: Ow my arm.

Master Xehanort: I’m crushing your head.

Armored!Ventus: Could you not?

Armored!Terra: NOES oh hey I have a mouth.

Master Xehanort: I derive extreme pleasure in squeezing young men’s heads.

Armored!Terra and Armored!Ventus: …

Master Xehanort: …Yeah, that did not come out right…

Slightly armored!Aqua: My helmet had an owie. Also that was just fucked up, what you just said. I think you should just leave.

Terra: And now we’re in normal clothing and in a white area thing.

Aqua: Me putting a hand to my chest as you walk by kind of insinuates that I’m in love with you or something, when my personal headcanon is that I consider both you and Ven as my brothers or something so that’s kind of weird for me to think about. I can see it but I just don't see it, you know?

Armored-ish!Ventus: My eyeball is terrified out of its mind.

Master Xehanort: *uses Blizzaga on Ventus. It’s super effective!*

Terra: I am running away from the darkness. It is symbolic of how I’m trying to run away from the darkness.

Ventus: I’m…trying to run away from the light. Weird. Also I’m trying to run away from the television screens embedded in the walls and floor that are showing off future gameplay. OH MY GOD STITCH IS IN THIS GAME THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST GAME EVER.

Aqua: And I’m just constantly in the light. And now I’m wearing most of my armor and one of my best friends appears to be dying in my arms. This game’s dark.

Armored-ish!Ventus: I WAS FROZEN TODAY!

Master Xehanort: Enough with the Christopher Lloyd quotes—

ShieldEcho: *editing in 2021* ...How did I predict that, what the fuck...

Master Xehanort: —have a ball of darkness thrown at the sky.

Clouds: NOT THE BALL OF DARKNESS! *run away*

Heart-shaped moon: Hi, I’m apparently the Title of the Franchise, how y’all doin’ tonight!

Slightly armored!Aqua: Eh, usual, trying to fight the main boss but we can’t because these cutscenes are so long and awesome.

Armored!Terra: Fuck this helmet. *takes it off, eyes turn yellow* Now try not to imagine me with white hair and darker skin, ‘cause that’d just be silly. Aaaand now I’m wearing normal clothes and am sinking into water or something along with about twenty Keyblades for some reason.

Aqua: Why did you just morph into me and why am I now sinking into darkness. I hate foreshadowing…what’s with the giant stain glass thing of Ven.

Their three Keybades: *shatter the glass thingy*

Ventus: Was I trapped in that or something? AND WHY DO I LOOK SO MUCH LIKE ROXAS ARE WE THE SAME PERSON I DO NOT COMPREHEND except that I think I might comprehend. Oh yeah, falling to my death, right. And now I’m glowing. Yeah, all of this totally makes so much sense. Damn it, camera, why are you moving away from me? I want explanations as to why my body is entirely white, damn it!

Sora and Riku: We’re like four and five and on the beach together, it’s adorable.

Shooting star: *conveniently arcs downward and disappears into Sora’s face*

~Well that was long and confusing.~

Destiny Islands: Hey, remember when the main characters used to live here and hang out here all the time? Us either.

Waves: Yep, crashing on the beach. ‘Swhat we do.

Feet: *exist*

Youngish Xehanort: Sunset pretty. Though this world is way too small. I mean, in the first game we thought it was just this one island, but then we find out it’s actually next to a much bigger place which can I guess only be an island because the place is called Destiny Islands, but we still never get to explore the other one or find out how big it really is. So really this world is bigger than we thought. But every world is too small when you think about it, at most it’s like about ten rooms or something and you can’t explore any further. If those were in any way expanded then no one would feel as claustrophobic.

Old As Shit Master Xehanort: And now it’s night and I’m wearing an Organization XIII cloak with my hood up because it covers my bald hair and am carrying an young, unconscious, underage, shirtless boy around with me.

Clouds: We are dark and menacing.

Master Xehanort: Fear my metal hood tie things of evil. And my feet of evil. And we are on that one island where Sora sparred with Riku in the first game. Will spar with. Prequels are weird.

Ventus: Still unconscious.

Master Xehanort: I haz a goatee. And this world is empty aside from all the people who inhabit it, so you’ll be fine here. *drapes young, unconscious, underage, shirtless boy on his stomach over a tree, instead of just laying him on the ground like a normal person. This guy isn’t creepy at all*

Ventus: If I were conscious I’d be screaming for an adult about now.

Master Xehanort: I am an adult.

Ventus: Yeah that never did make much sense. Also my eyes are blank and soulless, it’s awesome.

Sora’s heart: Hey, where am I?

Ventus: Who the fuck are you?

Light: I ARE SHINY.

Ventus: And now I’m sinking into the watery crap from the beginning of the first game, I assume. Why do I still have my blanket….never mind, it just dissolved. Yeah, that makes sense.

Horny fans: *wolf whistle at the sight of naked chest*

Ventus: …I’m like fourteen or fifteen or something, possibly even younger.

Horny fans: Hey some of us might actually be in that age bracket, you don't know!

Ventus: Everything about this franchise exudes disturbingness.

BUBBLES!: *exist*

Ventus: And now I’m bathed in light and feathers and junk. My eyes are still dead, though. YAAAAAY SHINY WHITE SURFACE I can actually stand on. Now to stare around at it and the darkness in confusion. And squint to avoid the headache I will no doubt soon receive from staring at this floor for too long.

Sora’s heart: In answer to your question, I’m a brand new heart. Seriously, I think I was just born recently or something, and yet I have a full grasp of the English/Japanese/whatever language.

Ventus: …So does this mean I’m actually ten or eleven myself at this point?

Sora’s heart: Probably! Either that or you’re still fifteen-ish and just won’t age much after this.

Ventus: Well that makes everything even creepier either way, great. And we’re apparently in my heart right now. Thought it would be more of a red, pulsing thing constantly pumping blood and ensuring my survival, but admittedly I know nothing about anatomy. They could totally be glowing white pillars of light surrounded by foggy blackness for all I know. So…What’re you doing here?

Sora’s heart: The plot demanded I come and help you out. Plus I saw something shiny, and I’m a little kid, of course I’d follow it.

Ventus: Cool. Also apparently my heart’s missing a big chunk of itself. Look at this pillar, a huge part of it has been broken off somehow. How I’m alive right now, I have absolutely no idea, but I think I’ll soon be dead unless I get a transplant or something.

Sora’s heart: Well that sucks. We should just combine our hearts together, then you can still live and shit.

Ventus: …The fuck does that work?

Sora’s heart: I HAVE NO IDEA! Also you evidently have no choice, the pillar’s already repairing itself so I assume I just went ahead with my idea and giving you no choice in the matter.

Ventus: …You’re kind of a dick.

Sora’s heart: Well it worked, didn’t it? But apparently nothing will break it now, unless I happen to turn into a Heartless and end up creating a Nobody who happens to look exactly like you in order to save a very dear friend of mine, but what are the odds of that happening?

Ventus: Um…

Sora’s heart: But yeah, hopefully one day you’ll be strong enough to do this shit on your own, I can’t keep doing everything around here.

Ventus: …Thanks?

Sora’s heart: Shut up and wake up. And because this thing is all over the fucking place, we need to…

Ventus and Sora: Open the door that we still don’t know anything about and probably never will other than the fact that it’s there and it does stuff.

Ventus: …Why is there a giant stain glass circle of me? And why are flower petals floating up from it? Eh, fuck it, I’ll just roll with it.

Stain glass circle of Ventus: …Hi. I exist. Wait, where did Ven go?

Master Xehanort: Gah! I was totally not sleeping just now! Aaaaand he's still deaded-ish, so I'm just gonna go, I think...

Ventus: I have an arm. And am now lying on my back, that's somehow way better.

Master Xehanort: Wait what's happening?

Wayward Wind: ‘Sup.

Master Xehanort: A Keyblade!

Wayward Wind: …I believe that’s already been established, yes. I ARE SHINY.

Ventus: Still unconscious!

Beam of light: WHEEEEEEEE!

Master Xehanort: …What the fuck is going on.

Player: You’re asking us?!

Master Xehanort: …I totally had this planned! Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh!

Ventus (I totally almost typed Roxas just now): My eyes are still dead-looking…though they are shining at all the shininess…

Wayward Wind: …Did I just create life?

~Possibly years later? It’s unclear.~

Glowy circle thing, giant leaf, African mask, desk, bookcase, various drawings and things: …We’re sure he’s not Roxas?

Ventus: Why didn’t I take off my shoes or armor thingy before going to bed. *sits up* Seriously, this random piece of armor that covers one shoulder and hardly does anything to protect me is digging into my arm. *looks out window* Le gasp!

Meteor shower: ‘Ello, ‘ello!

Ventus: A meteor shower!

Meteor shower: …This stating the obvious is gonna be a running theme, isn’t it.

Ventus: IT IS SHINY. I GO TO LOOK AT THE SHINY.*ignores the fact that he has a telescope in his room and goes outside to presumably get a better view I guess*

Mountain thingy: Why am I covered in giant-ass Rings of Power?

Sauron: Don't look at me

Land of Departure title card: Welcome to Castle Oblivi—I-I mean Land of Departure. Yeah, that.

Meteor shower: Really? Could’ve sworn you said—

Land of Departure title card: YOU HEARD NOTHING!

Music: *is really energetic and loud and annoying for being in a cute little starry night area thing*

Ventus: *running down the stairs* Wheeeeee. *stops at bottom* Huh. By the way I’m not even bothering to look up at the sky, I’ve determined that I can’t see much of the meteor shower from my current location. If only I had a telescope!

Player: OMFG I HAVE CONTROL. *moves him straight ahead to the next area where another cutscene starts* …Okay, that was basically nothing…

Ventus: BRIIIIIDGE! And giant weird-ass golden circle things hanging from massive chains attached to thick poles. Eh, might as well squeeze in some kind of training or something even though having been training here for some time I should already know how to use the Keyblade and have no idea why I would need a refresher course to somehow relearn everything I already know.

Player: YAY I GET TO HIT THINGS. *hits giant weird-ass golden circle thing hanging from massive chain attached to thick pole* Hey cool, health ball things despite there probably not being any way to actually lose health at this point in the game — and we’ve reached another cutscene already. Are we actually gonna be able to play or what here.

Ventus: Must…run…to the thing…with four things…IT WAS THREATENING ME AND THEREFORE MUST BE DESTROYED. Yeah, I'm so good at tether ball!

Player: Whoa. We can lock onto things! THIS WILL REVOLUTIONIZE KINGDOM HEARTS GAMEPLAY.

Treasure chest: Teleporting is normal for my kind, honest.

Ventus: THAT CHEST IS MINE. Oh for the love of Merlin, I’ve forgotten how to jump — oh right, that’s how.

Treasure chest: *contains Sliding Dash*

Ventus: …How the shit is an ability contained within a chest.

Camera: Look at the pretty scenery.

Ventus: Why am I attempting to relearn shit I already know when I could be watching something that only happens once in a while, what the fuck is wrong with me, seriously.

Player: YAY WE GET TO RUN STRAIGHT AHEAD AGAIN!

Ventus: Cooooooool. *lies down on back to watch the pretty meteor shower of pretty* Ahhh, nostalgia…nostalgic for what I have no idea but it’s nice. *falls asleep, then wakes up again* That was a nice nap. I am now gonna sit up, yawn widely, and fall back down again.

Aqua: *elbow drops him* I’ve been watching you sleep.

Ventus: WHAT THE FLYING FUCKING SHIT FUCK. *gets up in a kneeling position*

Aqua: Gigglesnort.

Ventus: Never. Do. That. Again.

Player: …WTF just happened.

Aqua: Ventus, you lazy jackass. I’m surprised the mosquitoes haven’t eaten you alive or something.

Ventus: ...Speedy...I love you dearly...You're one of like three characters I still like on Arrow...but you're not the greatest voice actress.

Aqua: Meh, give me ten years of wandering around in the darkness talking to myself, I'll get better.

Ventus: M'kay. But…Did I really dream that place up?

Aqua: …The fuck did that come from, what are you talking about.

Ventus: Oh, sorry. I think I was either dreaming or remembering something about a place where I could see the stars really well, and I was looking up at them.

Aqua: *ruffles his hair*

Ventus: Hey, watch it, you have no idea how long it takes to style it like this.

Aqua: And yet you wake up with it perfectly in place every morning.

Ventus: Shut your butt.

Aqua: Besides, you’ve always been here with us aside from the time Master Xehanort brought you to this place and you had absolutely no memory.

Ventus: Good times. Now let’s sit at the edge of this cliff that has no visible bottom in sight.

Aqua: Sounds good to me.

Ventus: …Aqua?

Aqua: Yo?

Ventus: …This might be a stupid question—

Aqua: There are no stupid questions, only immensely stupid people.

Ventus: …Right, but do you ever wonder what stars are? Where light comes from?

Aqua: Ven, I don’t wonder, I know.

Ventus: Oh. What are they?

Aqua: They’re fireflies. Fireflies that got stuck up in that big bluish black thing.

Ventus: Oh…Gee…I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away.

Aqua: Ventus, with you, everything’s gas.

Terra: *comes up from behind them* Have you forgotten this game’s fucked up mythos? Every star up there is supposed to be another planet or something. Even though we'd probably only be able to see planets within our own solar system and the rest would be actual stars, nope, every single one's a planet now.

Aqua and Ventus: … *look at each other and burst out laughing*

Aqua: What mook made that up?

Tetsuya Nomura: YOU DARE TO QUESTION MY VAST KNOWLEDGE OF THE UNIVERSE?!

Aqua: …No, sir, sorry, sir.

Terra: Anyway, apparently the stars really are supposed to signify a shitload of different universes and stuff. Disney’s getting really arrogant if they think they can make enough movies and franchises as there are stars in the sky. As is Sqeenix if they think they can make enough video games to create crossovers with. Also apparently planets have hearts, which makes complete and total sense and should not be questioned under any circumstances. And that’s what’s creating light rather than any kind of sun they might be orbiting around.

Hitler clones: Of COURSE! Don’t you know anything about science?!

Ventus: …I’m so fucking confused.

Terra: You’re really shiny and you practically glow every time you smile.

Ventus: Don’t you dare encourage the slash fans this early!

Terra: Please, they’d already gotten started as soon as our names and designs were released.

Ventus: Doesn’t mean we should keep encouraging them!

Terra: They’ll do whatever they want and we’re absolutely powerless to stop them.

Ventus: Well fuck me then.

Terra: Not now, I have a headache.

Aqua: Gigglesnort.

Terra: Stop getting turned on!

Aqua: No u.

Terra: …Point.

Ventus: …Do I want to know?

Aqua and Terra: No. No you really don’t.

Ventus, Aqua, and Terra: LET US NOW LAUGH AWKWARDLY.

Starry sky: …Hi. I exist.

Ventus, Aqua, and Terra: And now we’re all sitting on the edge of this bottomless cliff. Lovely.

Aqua: Oh fuck. Terra, I just remembered that you and I have our Mark of Mastery exams tomorrow and I totally didn’t study for it.

Ventus: Just do it perfectly, and it should be fine.

Aqua: I respect your opinion, and I hate it.

Terra: Well if you’d bothered to even open your books, you wouldn’t suck quite so much, now would you?

Aqua: Bookwork isn’t everything, you know, you need actual experience. So in order to ease the transition, I will be doing this thing known as Horribly Cheating. *holds up glass charms* These totally have cheat notes written all over one side. I now believe in myself now that I've made it easier for myself.

Terra: I was wondering which one of us would crack.

Aqua: I did. *throws him the yellow one*

Terra: Huh. Wonder if the color yellow will bear any significance on my immediate future…Naaaah. Also HUFFLEPUFF REPRESENT, BITCHES!

Ventus: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?

Aqua: Yo, Slytherin, catch.

Ventus: *catches the green one* Why would you give me a cheat sheet, I don’t have to take the exam yet.

Aqua: Yeah, but now you’ll have some idea of what might be on the test when it is your turn. I’m a Ravenclaw, I know these things. *holds out her own blue one*

Ventus: It’s kind of nice how Gryffindor’s actually getting left out for once, they’re so overrepresented and overrated.

Terra: Damn right! And I have a feeling we'll look at these any time we have a pensive moment when we're worried your friendship is falling apart!

Ventus: How d'you figure that?

Terra: It's like I had to play this game multiple times to know what I was talking about!

Aqua: So anyway, I heard of this island that grows star-shaped fruit, because that’s not unrealistic or anything. It totally represents bonding for life, though it seemed like it would be used in the romantic sense which is hopefully not what I’m going for here since there are probably three million threesome fics involving the three of us without my help. But yeah, it’s totally supposed to symbolize that we’ll be friends forever and never drift apart or be torn apart by horrible circumstances in any way. Also it’s apparently a homing device. I’m a pretty slick inventor like that. Imagine trying to invent a homing device out of seashells, please, glass is far more practical.

Terra: Sometimes you’re such a girl, because guys don’t value their friends or anything that can remind them of their friendships at all.

Aqua: Well if you think it’s too girly, you don’t have to have it. You can just write your notes on your arm, because there’s no way it’ll be messed up and somehow the ink will end up all over our examiner’s face in a tasteful beard shape.

Ventus: So is it a symbol of our friendship or what, you’re being kind of vague and confusing.

Aqua: Think so. I did work a little magic on it.

Ventus: Well sure there’s some air magic, but I don’t think we have any water or earth magic in these games!

Aqua: No, somehow I used the magic of an unbreakable connection.

Terra: …What even is that?

Aqua: I have no idea. Now watch as I hold my charm up to the sky for no real reason.

Ventus: AND THEY'RE CALLED WAYFINDERS THAT'S SO EPIC I WANNA REWATCH MOANA SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. Man that would've been perfect to include in this game...

Aqua: Tell me about it, I'd advocate for a level in KHIII if that wasn't gonna just push it back more.

Ventus: Right?

Terra: So. Exam. We should probably practice for the practical.

Ventus: I’ll take you on even though you should be sparring with Aqua seeing as she’s also taking the exam and I’m not.

Terra: Awesomesauce.

Player: …Why am I now playing Terra.

Ventus (again, almost typed Roxas): Come on, quit being a pussy and actually kick my ass already!

Aqua: Hey you know what’s awesome? Murdering teenagers.

Terra: YEAH!

Aqua: Also stop staring at my ass.

Player: Can't help it, that's where the camera was focusing.

Aqua: *kills camera* Now then, let’s see how you fare against multiple enemies, since it’s pretty rare that we’d be fighting only one Heartless—I mean Unversed. Yeah. We totally needed a different enemy to add an additional layer of confusion. Oh and also you're really only going to be fighting one character right now anyway so fuck that entire lead-up.

Player: I AM PLAYING AS AN ACTUAL STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER IN A KINGDOM HEARTS GAME WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN

Aqua: *uses BUBBLE. It’s super effective!*

Terra: Okay, now let’s kick the shit out of each other.

Ventus: Imma slice your asshole off!

Terra:…The butthole? Off?

Player: *chooses Ventus because they have no idea why he looks like Roxas and want to know moar*

Ventus: *proceeds to kick Terra’s ass* You are so gonna fail tomorrow.

Terra: No! We're better than this! We swear we are!

Aqua: No we're not! Man do we need to improve. Hey, Ven, want to spar with me now?

Ventus: No. Piss off.

Aqua: Indubitably, I have deduced that you are a bitch.

Ventus: Now that I’ve completely dominated Terra and didn’t even bother to test Aqua, I have determined that both of you will pass with flying colors and there is no need for me to take either of your places.

Terra: Damn straight.

Aqua: It’s like our master said. Power is born within the heart and has absolutely nothing to do with building up your muscles and magic abilities so you can effectively use that power. When the time is right, you just need to shove your head up your own ass in order to look inside yourself properly, and you will miraculously gain power that way.

Ventus: …I’m not sure that’s how it works—

Aqua: DON’T QUESTION ME, BITCH!

Player: …We level up by using a dice game thing? Seriously? Oh, it’s just an optional way to level up abilities, okay then. Eh, still has to be better than the sphere grid — OMFG I NEVER SAW A SAVE POINT BEFORE!

Ventus: I don’t really know how we’re rationalizing these things as an actual existing entity that can somehow bring us back from the dead if we were to die, but I do believe that we shouldn’t lose track of shit that’s gone down. So we better remember it in that green circle of light over there, and mark that as the only place we can remember things. This is especially worrying for me. Remember that time I turned up on your doorstep with amnesia?

Terra and Aqua: Good times.

Ventus: *staring at the sky* Did the meteor shower end or what?

Terra: Iunno but we need sleep, so…

Ventus: I’ll come too, since I fell asleep out here once already.

Meteor shower: Nope, still going on a little bit.

Aqua: It is pretty. As is this thing I made, obviously keeping the superior color for myself. Oh, and I’m reflecting that the other two and I will always be together except we really won’t.

Aqua, Terra, and Ventus: This shit all goes downhill from here.

~Huh, wonder why they said that. It’s not as though everything’s a foregone conclusion just because it’s a prequel or anything.~

Mickey: …Why am I floating on a book? Shoutout to Fantasia? Thought that wasn't till 3D.

Whirlpool: Hiiiiiiiiii.

Mickey: Oh fuck a duck.

Donald: HEY!

Mickey: You’re blissfully not in this game all that much, do shut the fuck up. Shit, my book’s gone…and now I’m in Master Noiti Sopxe’s office. Yeah, that makes sense.

Master Noiti Sopxe: Sigh.

Mickey: LOL.

Master Noiti Sopxe: …

Mickey: …

Master Noiti Sopxe: …GAH! I was totally not sleeping just now!

Mickey: Fucking old people.

Master Noiti Sopxe: Anyway, I have a feeling that the second-most depressing game of the franchise is about to have shit rapidly get real.

Mickey: That's a darn.

Pots: WE EXIST.

Camera: Hey look, it’s Master Noiti Sopxe’s office. We’ve never seen that before!

Star shaped window: I am impractically shaped.

Stars: Are we supposed to symbolize planets or the three main characters? MAKE UP YOUR MIND, NOMURA!

~I don’t think he knows how.~

Chapter Text

~Oh right, we have a new game to play.~

Player: FINALLY! Now to choose Ventus because he looks like Roxas and I want to know why. *chooses Ventus because he looks like Roxas and they want to know why*

~It’s gonna be Ven, then Aqua, then Terra. A lot of these parodies are based on how I actually played the games. Fuck your chronology.~

Stain glass window: IT IS MORNING.

Ventus: I’m standing off to the side, bored out of my mind.

Master Xehanort: Hi, I’m blatantly the villain.

Ventus: Like no way.

Footsteps: Hey.

Ventus: HOLY SHIT. *stands at attention*

Master Eraqus: I have feet. I also look like a badass samurai or something. Also I’m voiced by Mark Hamill and am therefore made entirely of awesome aside from the fact that I’m a brainless idiot. Anyway, today you two will be examined for the Mark of Mastery. It’s not a competition, I just want you to kick each other’s asses. It isn’t a test of wills, but a test of heart, because willpower has nothing to do with achieving your goals. Both of you may pass, or you could both fail, I don’t really care either way. You are, after all, the youngest to try for the Mark in years, and I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint poor old Master Xehanort who has traveled such a long way to watch you. No pressure!

Master Xehanort: Still noticeably evil!

Spoony: Seriously, I mean look at him! He’s like the most obvious villain I’ve ever seen since Ben Kingsley in Prince of Persia! Who would be stupid enough to trust that asshole? *takes drink*

Master Eraqus: He is our honored guest and you shall treat him with the greatest amount of respect possible.

Spoony: *spits out drink*

Master Eraqus: *is basically Square backwards with a slight change to make it pronounceable in English, like how Yen Sid is Disney backwards. Eraqus is modeled after Hironobu Sakaguchi, creator of the pretty, pretty franchise that is Final Fantasy. Because of this, I have renamed this character Master Ecivresnaf* Y’all ready for this?

Aqua and Terra: Let’s just fail and get it over with.

Master Ecivresnaf: That’s the spirit! *powers up his own Keyblade and summons five balls of light*

Terra: *prepares Earthshaker* So, what, because there’s an odd number, whoever takes out the most wins or something?

Aqua: *prepares Rainfell* Or maybe whoever lets the other have the most wins?

Master Xehanort: How does no one notice me transparently fucking with everything.

Balls of light: *suddenly have a black aura surrounding them*

Terra and Aqua: …The fuck what.

Master Ecivresnaf: …Okay, something is clearly very very wrong. I will do nothing to stop it and conduct an investigation; instead, I’ll just let my students fail even harder. Should be fun.

Master Xehanort: All according to keikaku.

Terra and Aqua: Meh, we still got this I guess.

One of the balls of not-light: *heads in Ven’s direction*

Terra and Aqua: Ah, shit!

Ventus: Meh. *summons Wayward Wind and destroys it instantly* Guys, what happened to your focus? Fucking concentrate already!

Aqua: But Ven, despite you taking out one of those things instantaneously in one hit when it takes us several seconds of chasing it around and hitting it multiple times t destroy one, I’m still convinced you’re an incompetent baby kid! Go to your room, tiny child person!

Ventus: Uh-uh, I’m watching you two become masters and that’s final! And also maybe Master Ecivresnaf will consider me for mastery if I do well here…

Master Ecivresnaf: What was that impossible scenario that’ll never happen that I couldn’t have just heard because no?

Ventus: Nothing, sir!

Terra: Eh, let him. He’s gonna have to go through a real tutorial stage sooner or later anyway, and these things don’t hold back like we always do.

Ventus: What he said!

Aqua: Okay, fine, but only because neither of the masters are calling it off in any case.

Master Ecivresnaf: SPILL BLOOD ALREADY!

Ventus: All right, let’s do this! *takes several seconds and several attempts to even destroy one* Hurg. Why are cutscene powers so inconsistent. *finally notices the way he holds Wayward Wind* …When I hold it like this, it seems like a really impractical way to hold a weapon of this size, and it would be better to hold it normally and just stab outwards. Were they that desperate to make me have a different fighting style that they went with one that is entirely unrealistic?

Terra and Aqua: *pass out at least once*

Ventus: Damn it, too bad phoenix downs don’t exist…Yo, Master, shouldn’t they be disqualified for dying or whatever?

Master Ecivresnaf: Probably. And frankly they should also be disqualified since someone else transparently interrupted their session. At the very least I should be helping the person who is not yet skilled enough to take this exam…Eh, I don’t really care all that much. *goes back to playing UX* This is getting increasingly pay-to-win and I am annoyed. Oooh, pirate bandana!

Ventus: I KILLED THE LAST ONE WITHOUT EVER DYING I’M THE BEST.

Terra and Aqua: WE’RE MAGICALLY ALIVE NOW!

Master Ecivresnaf: That happened. And I decided to let that happen to test how you’d react to the thing happening because I’m a huge dick. Now, time for the next round. I sure hope you guys’ve truly become close friends over the years!

Terra and Aqua: We sure have!

Master Ecivresnaf: Excellent! ‘Cause now you gotta try and kill each other.

Ventus: Ah shit, they’re not gonna be happy about tha—

Terra and Aqua: AW YEAH, LET’S DO THIS SHIT!

Ventus: …I’ve been wrong before.

Master Ecivresnaf: Okay, as you’re about to murder one of the people most important to you in your life, remember that no matter what happens, you’re both losers and will always be losers and it’s just a matter of which of you loses more. Now DO THE THING!

Terra and Aqua: *begin a sick fighting cutscene*

Ventus: Wow, I can’t wait until I’m done playing as myself and I can actually participate in this sick fight!

Game devs: Pfft!

Ventus: …What, what’d I say?

Aqua: *is easily dominating the fight*

Terra: Shit, she’s easily dominating the fight. *summons some dark energy in his hand* …Nah, I wanna win this fairly. *cancels the attack*

Master Xehanort: Dayum I want that body.

Master Ecivresnaf: When did Orochimaru get here.

Ventus: No, don’t fade to black, I wanna see the rest of this!

Master Ecivresnaf: Tough, we’re done now. And we’re gonna let Aqua continue to be a glass ceiling-breaking badass while Terra has to go back to basics.

Aqua: YEAH SON — I mean that’s such a shame.

Master Ecivresnaf: Terra, you were about to use the darkness within you, but you realized that this would be a very bad idea and swiftly quenched the notion. THIS MEANS YOU FAILED TO KEEP IT IN CHECK. So…try again next year, I guess, whatever.

Terra: Didja ever consider that by not promoting me you are in fact further nurturing the darkness within me, specifically the kind born from envy?

Master Ecivresnaf: I — Hmm…

Master Xehanort: *starts to leave*

Master Ecivresnaf: Aqua, since you’ve gotten a promotion, you gotta learn new shit, mostly boring bureaucratic garbage that we all have to know and rarely apply. Stick around, I’ll be right back. *fucks off*

Aqua: Hey, thanks for making me feel shitty about my hard-earned promotion, asshat.

Ventus: She is a better character than you and you know it.

Terra: Apparently this was the first time the darkness even made an appearance, which was not cool at all.

Camera: *moves to follow Master Xehanort instead*

Master Xehanort: So what did you think of Ventus?

Vanitas: *holding his helmet on his hip* Who gives a fuck? Unless he gets some real experience, he’ll never amount to shit. And since we know he’s never gonna be allowed off-planet, I could beat the shit out of him right here and now—

Master Xehanort: No you won’t. I have to keep up the appearance of being entirely fucking evil and miraculously no one notices.

Spoony: What the fuck is wrong with all of you?! What do you need?! Some gigantic thunderclap whenever he enters the room?! See, this is what I’m talking about! These characters are either insane or so hopelessly stupid that they deserve to lose to a villain this transparently evil!

Vanitas: Whatever. *puts his helmet back on* So I’ll just make him leave the planet on his own, then. Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ve got a cunning plan…

Aqua: Seriously, are you gonna conglaturate me on my hard-earned promotion or what? We’re not gonna have another badass female character for another ten years, and no one will even remember her so really it’ll be eleven years until Mulan is ruined!

Terra: Neither of you are helping and I am leaving now. *leaves now*

Ventus: …Well I wanna conglaturate you but he just made me feel like shit.

Aqua: Me too.

Ventus: I AM IN MY ROOM NOW! *swings Terra’s old training Keyblade around for no reason* Sigh-face.

Bells: *start ringing*

Ventus: Huh, wonder what’s happening. *starts to leave*

Vanitas: You should hurry and leave.

Ventus: …I was? And also who are you and what are you doing in my room.

Vanitas: Oh, I’ve been watching you for some time now, while you played with that little toy of yours.

Ventus: …That's spooky.

Ventus: Did you get the big frighten?

Ventus: I got a tiny frighten. So if you could just answer the questions—

Vanitas: Terra will either die or turn evil if you don’t go down to him right the fuck now.

Ventus: Is that a threat?

Vanitas: It’s a promise. He’s gonna surpass you so quickly that by the time you meet up again he’ll have done so many horrible things as to be unrecognizable.

Ventus: I am disbelief. I actually know Terra. So how ‘bout you and me fight, right here, right now.

Vanitas: God. Can you imagine?

Ventus: I can.

Vanitas: Me too. But you can't, I don't even think you have the ability to. That's not even rude. That's a little rude. Point is I’m your final boss so you’ll have to wait anyway. Also how ‘bout you actually go the fuck out into the universe and experience new things for yourself, you sheltered piece of garbage. *summons a Dark Corridor and peaces out*

Ventus: …I’d hurry after Terra, but I have to have a flashback first.

Flashback Terra: YEAH WE’RE FIGHTING TOGETHER!

Flashback Ventus: YEAH! Except your scolding is making me cry.

Flashback Terra: Okay, yeah, I was a little harsh. Here, let me mess up your hair even more. Look, you learn the difference between constructive criticism and me bringing you down for the sake of bringing you down, and I’ll learn to word the actual criticism more nicely, ‘kay?

Different Flashback Ventus: Did you know that if you grab a rabbit and spin it around three hundred and sixty degrees for five minutes, you can hypnotize it for up to ten minutes?

Different Flashback Terra: …No!

Different Flashback Ventus: It’ll basically do whatever you want.

Different Flashback Terra: Why do you know that?!

Different Flashback Ventus: It doesn’t matter why I know that.

Present Ventus: Good times, good times…AH SHIT I NEED TO GO AFTER TERRA! *runs outside* TEEERRAAAAAAAA!

Terra: ‘Sup?

Ventus: *bends over to catch his breath* I really, really need to talk to you about something, you have no idea how important this is—

Terra: *ruffles his hair* Whatever. *smiles at him, then slowly turns away and activates his armor by punching his shoulder armor thing with his fist* Oh yeah, who looks sick awesome? I look sick awesome.

Ventus: Are you just gonna do that thing where you act like a cool guy and everyone’s like, “You are not cool. Why are you being cool.”

Terra: Probably. *raises Earthshaker which shoots out a beam of light into the sky, creating a portal, and throws Earthshaker into the air creating a kind of space motorcycle type thing*

Ventus: …Fuck it, Terra. You’re so cool. Stop being so cool!

Terra: Never. *jumps on the space motorcycle and blasts into space*

Ventus: …I JUST REALIZED THAT I HAD SO MUCH TIME TO JUST SHOUT WHAT I WANTED TO SAY AT HIM WHILE HE WAS LEAVING SO MAYBE HE WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT. FUCK. *smacks his own shoulder pad thing and activates his own awesome-tastic armor for evidently the first time* Wow, I didn’t mean to fill myself up with Cool Guy Juice here…Also I wish I could take back that sentence… *summons Wayward Wind and throws it up into the air where it transforms into a sick space hoverboard the thing which he immediately jumps on*

Aqua: DON’T DO IT, SHITLORD!

Ventus: TOO LATE, BITCH!

Master Ecivresnaf: Aw, fuck nuggets.

Ventus: YEAH SPACE PORTAL! *takes Terra’s space portal into space*

Aqua: Apparently this caused you to D-Link with me!

Ventus: What the fuck is a D-Link?

Aqua: It’s where you can leech off people’s powers and gain some of their shit, and sometimes it grants you really fucking good side-abilities that unfortunately only last as long as you’re linked up.

Ventus: Linked up…Is that like a sex thing?

Aqua: Nope, we’re too far away. It’s like our hearts momentarily connect or something sappy like that.

Ventus: Ah. Neat.

Terra: And you got one with me as well!

Ventus: Also neat. How are we talking to each other right now.

Terra and Aqua: Iunno.

~WE ARE NOW IN SPACE SHIT CAN ACTUALLY START TO HAPPEN NOW!~

Ventus: Ooooh, what’s this Command Board option thing do?

~…Or not…~

Ventus: *goes through tutorial section* …This sounds insanely complicated. I’ll probably fail a few times before I figure out what I’m doing. Ah well, might as well hop to it.

Terra and Aqua: HEY VEN!

Ventus: HEY GUYS! You’re here too, huh?

Terra: Looks like!

Aqua: This is nice, this’ll be like we’re actually hanging out together! I know we do in the prologue, but apart from that one section and a couple of shared flashbacks, our friendship is always told rather than shown. This’ll be some fun, tangible interaction with each other!

Ventus: Sweet. So the game’s giving me the option to fuck with the order we play in, should I actually try to go first, or…?

Terra: Don’t look at me, I’ve never played this before. Keyblade Master?

Aqua: Me neither, actually.

Ventus: Okay, shuffling anyway…Aqua, you’re first, I’m second, and Terra, as usual, is last.

Terra: Oh joy of joys.

Aqua: Okay, I’ll roll…And I’ve already got one of the colors I need, ha!

Ventus: Shit. *rolls a low number* Shit! *plays a command*

Terra: And I’m somehow doing better than both of you already.

Ventus: Shiiiiit…Let’s try one of these hand things…Hey, two dice! *plays hand* …Seven. Eh, still not bad. Hey, two colors! Kablams!

Aqua: And yet with this move I’m still in the lead because I played first.

Terra: Crap. Definitely something to note later: Always play first.

Ventus: Apparently. *double rolls again* FUCK YEAH ELEVEN! *gets in first* You guys look like shit. Bams. Bams. Kablam. Wham-bam. Thank you ma’am.

~Three hours later…~

Aqua: So what if we’ve all been around the board several times now and you’re in the lead, I also have over the number of points needed to win and I’m way closer to the starting point—

Ventus: FUCK YEAH SPECIAL PANEL! *automatically activates Keyblade Glider*

Aqua: No, Ven! We’re friends! We’re best friends!

Ventus: There’s not a single thing you’ve ever done for me.

Aqua: …I think I got you movie tickets once!

Terra and Ventus: *laugh*

Ventus: *chooses to land on the Start Panel* AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! I win.

Aqua: Yeah, by being a total scumbag.

Terra: Another thing learned: Pure scumbag tactics are the only way to win.

Ventus: I didn’t win; you lost! I thought that I would lose, but you’re the loser.

Aqua: I lost.

Terra: …So we should do this again sometime! Like at the Mirage Arena or some shit!

Ventus: I agree.

Aqua: See you guys there I guess!

~Well that was a huge waste of time aside from the occasional new ability and you can’t convince me otherwise. Fun, though.~

Chapter Text

~Hey, was I supposed to be doing something?~

Ventus: *exits the command board* Yay, that was fun, I love those guys. And now time to actually try going to another fucking planet. *goes to the Dwarf Woodlands* Heh, figures that the first time I try to go out on my own I’d end up on a deserted wasteland. *looks down from the ledge he was standing on* That is apparently populated entirely by little people.

Seven dwarves: High ho, high ho, it’s off to work we go…

Ventus: YAY I’M TALLER THAN SOMEONE! Ha ha, I’m going straight to hell.

Shepherd Book: *pops in* The special hell. *vanishes*

Ventus: Aw, I miss him.

Dwarf Woodlands title card: Yeah, we tried calling this planet the Dwarf Woodlands, but you’re still gonna call it the Snow White planet, I don’t really know why we’re bothering.

Ventus: Aaaaand there are monsters here. Neat. As much as I’d like to stick around and level up, this is set to Critical and I don’t see a save point anywhere. So. *enters the mines*

Seven dwarves: *are mining. In the mine. Who’da thunk*

Doc: …Dafuq are you.

Ventus: I’m Ventus. Call me Ven.

Player: *takes shot*

Grumpy: I am realistically expecting you to be after our loot! EVERYONE! RUN AWAY!

Seven dwarves: *scatter and run around like crazy*

Dopey: *runs directly into a wall*

Ventus: Look, you got it all wrong, I’m not a thief, okay?

Happy: Doesn't matter, you're in for some cowardice. That's what you're in for, sir.

Bashful: You do seem kind of suspicious, is all.

Ventus: Well that’s mean, judging someone like that before you get to know them. It’s not as though someone who looks exactly like me is going to end up working for a known evil organization or some shit. I’m just looking for a friend of mine named Terra. He’s…not at all dressed like me, come to think of it, but he’s ridiculously tall and has a really dumb haircut and—

Grumpy: You’re a lying liar who lies! GTFO!

Sneezy: Seriously, though, we don’t know anyone like the person you’re describing.

Ventus: Huh, doesn’t look like they’ve seen him, and they seem wary of strangers. I guess the best thing to do would be to force my presence on them even though I shouldn’t be interfering with what’s going on on other planets.

Grumpy: He wants us to come into killing range now!

Ventus: Fuck it. Time to beat the shit out of all of you! *chases after them deep into the mines*

Dopey: *never actually went deeper into the mines* ELLIPSIS.

Ventus: Heh, why does that make me giggle for some reason. Also WHY ARE THERE MORE MONSTERS HERE THIS SUCKS. *tries out the D-Links* YEAH AQUA KNOWS CURA ALREADY.

Aqua: I weirdly don’t, actually, that would’ve come in handy so I didn’t die fifteen times in a row.

Ventus: Eh, walk it off. *repeatedly hits the wooden box Happy’s hiding in so hard it breaks apart around him and possibly causes severe injuries in the process*

Happy: I don’t think I’ve ever met a nicer person in my entire life and I pledge my loyalty to you forever.

Ventus: If you’re Happy, why are your eyebrows indicating severe anger?

Happy: I DON’T KNOW.

Ventus: … *hits a box that isn’t moving*

Sleepy: I could’ve been in a coma, you don’t know!

Ventus: Whatever. *destroys another crate running around next to him*

Doc: OVER THAT BOY HAND!

Ventus: …Eh?

Doc: We don’t know the person you’re looking for, okay?! Now would you stop attempting to murder my men?!

Ventus: Enh….naaaaaaah. *destroys another crate*

Grumpy: Well don’t you suck at everything. Also don’t steal our diamonds.

Ventus: I’M NOT! And diamonds actually aren't worth that much, you dumb dwarf. *destroys one more crate that’s leaping into the air constantly with the pressure of Sneezy’s sneezes*

Sneezy: It’s official, I’m allergic to you as well.

Ventus: Lovely. *goes over to the mine cart and beats the shit out of that, though it takes several tries because it keeps disappearing and you can’t stand in front of it or you take damage* WHY IS THIS SO ANNOYING.

Bashful: I need confirmation on my creepy sex things.

Ventus: You make me sad. *is magically in front of all of them in the front area of the mines* Look, I’m not a thief! I’m just an extremely violent person who likes beating people up if they don’t want to talk to me!

Grumpy: You’re a fucking psychopath, aren’t you!

Ventus: High functioning sociopath. With your number. And fine, I know when I’m not wanted. Which is why I stuck around in order to nearly violently kill all of you the first several times you rejected my advances. *turns to leave* But at least tell me where I can find other, more agreeable, people around here?

Doc: KING ILLEGAL FOREST TO PIG WILD KILL IN IT A IS!

Ventus: …

Doc: There’s a castle on the other side of the forest.

Ventus: Ah. Kay thanks bye. *leaves and then immediately goes back in so he can level up to like fifteen or something* Huh, looks like my abilities are leveling up as well. It’s like equipping weapons and armor in FFIX until you keep the abilities forever, that’s actually a really good system, I enjoy it, it gives you something else to focus on besides just leveling up normally.

Moogle: And then you can buy the abilities you’ve already found/melded, kupo!

Ventus: Why am I not questioning your existence — Wait, what did you say about melding?

Moogle: …This is your first time actually playing this game, isn’t it, kupo.

Ventus: Yeah?

Moogle: …And you’re immediately starting on Critical, kupo.

Ventus: I am not smart.

Moogle: No arguments here, kupo.

Ventus: Dine on a dong. *eventually goes to explore the rest of the planet and comes upon the dwarves’ cottage* Huh. Cute.

High-pitched scream: *is heard*

Ventus: *takes sweet-ass time exploring the surrounding area and breaking into a house to steal all the dwarves shit before bothering to check up on the person who is clearly in trouble* I AM SUCH AN APPEALING CHARACTER! *goes through the forest and eventually comes across Snow White crying on the ground*

Snow White: I so prefer my Once Upon A Time persona…

Ventus: You okay, lady?

Snow White: I have no idea if the trees actually attacked me or if it was my mind playing tricks on me because of the FEAH.

Ventus (nearly typed Roxas again): My money’s on the second one. We all have hallucinations of even more terrifying abominations when we’re terrified out of our minds. *offers her a hand up*

Snow White: True enough. *accepts Ventus’s help and stands, and is even shorter than tiny little Ventus (almost typed Roxas again), reinforcing the point that she’s fourteen* I AM COMPLETELY CURED NOW. Except I’ve kind of run away from my murderous stepmother who quite seriously wants to tear out my heart and crush it so…

Ventus: …Erm, why?

Snow White: Well her mother wanted her to marry into royalty but she wanted to marry the stable boy and I kind of accidentally snitched on her because I didn’t understand what was going on so her mother ended up killing the stable boy — I mean she’s super jelly because I’m hotter than she is.

Ventus: …You’re like fourteen.

Snow White: Eligible marrying age, yes.

Ventus: Gross.

Snow White: Stiiiiiill need a place to sleep.

Ventus: I just broke into a house not far from here, maybe we can check that out? Oh, my name’s Ventus, by the way, but you can call me Ven.

Player: *takes shot*

Snow White: Snow White.

Ventus: That’s a weird name.

Snow White: Yes it is.

Ventus: Also you have the worst voice I’ve ever heard. Not voice acting, that’s Aqua, but the worst actual voice.

Snow White: Donald Duck.

Ventus: …I’ve been wrong before. Anyway, let’s go!

Snow White: You seem really excited about this escort mission.

Ventus: What escort missi—Oh. Oh fuck.

Snow White: What?

Ventus: What do you mean, what? Escort missions are fucking dog garbage! *cuts through some Unversed* Garbage that’s been collected by hyper intelligent dog AI!

Snow White: *taking damage from a tree that did come to life after all, which is kind of awesome, actually* Whoa, whoa, lay off the dog patriots, man. You know, you’re being awfully harsh on escort missions; they’re not really that bad—

Ventus: *uses White Calm to make the tree stop and runs forward again to kill the Unversed he missed earlier because he had to protect Snow White’s dumb ass* They’re literally the worst thing that’s ever been created by a human! *has to run back and kill more while Snow White’s just frozen in place and taking massive damage* I’d rather have my limp, trembling body be spooned to death by Mike Tyson.

Snow White: *finally starts to move again* Jeez, man!

Ventus: *finally gets her out of that tiny-ass area* All right, look, I’m sorry I had to lay all that out on you, but escort missions are the worst! Taking care of moronic drooling fucking children like you? I have no tolerance for that! None! Also we’re here, check out this sick cottage thing.

Snow White: It sure is a sick cottage thing.

Ventus: I wonder why I’m not mentioning that seven old men already live here.

Snow White: That would definitely give anyone with any sense second thoughts.

Ventus: Oh well, it’s not important anyway. *goes outside briefly and while he’s gone the seven dwarves come home*

Grumpy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Happy: Boy it sure is nice how we apparently clean regularly anyway so there isn’t animal residue everywhere this time around!

Dopey: ELLIPSIS!

Grumpy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Happy: Oh, you.

Doc: *goes upstairs for some reason* …A teenage girl is asleep in our beds. Grumpy, what the hell did you do.

Grumpy: WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ASSUME IT WAS ME. WE ALL KNOW BASHFUL’S THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.

Bashful: Gosh, you’re not wrong! *blushes* But not this time, though.

Ventus: I’m back now! Oh hey guys.

Grumpy: I believe I told you to GTFO? WELL WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU YET.

Snow White: He ain’t no thief! He put up with an escort mission for me!

Doc: So? He could still be a thief and just have a weakness for protecting young girls, Princess.

Ventus: Now that’s not…Wait, did I just save a princess?

Grumpy: BE GONE, AND NEVER DARKEN OUR TOWELS AGAIN!

Snow White: Guys, he saved me when I ran away into the woods, okay, lay off.

Ventus: Yeah, I know your stepmother wants you dead, but how’d you end up in the woods in the first place?

Snow White: I was picking flowers, and then this stranger with dumbass hair stopped to talk to me. He seemed nice enough, but then he drew this giant sword and I ran off screaming. I don’t even know if I saw the monsters he was trying to defend me from before I hit the actual forest itself.

Ventus: A sword like a key…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…toast…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…hmm…HOLY FUCK YOU SAW TERRA.

Doc: So this guy summoned a buncha demons and send them after ya?

Ventus: Can’t be, Terra doesn’t have the ability to do that.

Snow White: I instantly believe you.

Doc: You really have a white knight complex, doncha.

Grumpy: Can we just murder him yet? Get this fucking guy out of my house, he smells.

Ventus: Nyang. *runs away and then instantly heads back in to talk to the people who want nothing to do with him*

Doc: We can look after Snow White from now on.

Ventus: Well I don’t think this is meant to be permanent, but okay.

Dopey: Ellipsis.

Ventus: I can get behind that.

Sneezy: The Princess is so pretty, I almost forgot to—ACHOO!

Ventus: Interesting.

Sleepy: Since we started helpin’ the Princess, I wake up bright and early every morning!

Ventus: Since the three seconds I left?

Bashful: Gosh, Snow White sure is nice…

Ventus: She’s also fourteen.

Bashful: Eligible marrying age, yes.

Ventus: Gross.

Happy: Snow White bakes the best gooseberry pies we’ve ever tasted.

Ventus: She must be good if she can bake an entire pie in three fucking seconds.

Grumpy: It’s you again, ya thief! Whaddaya want?

Ventus: …For you to notice me, senpai? I’ve been talking to everyone else in the house for the past several minutes…

Snow White: Thank you again for coming to my rescue. Did you find your friend?

Ventus: In the three seconds since I’ve been gone?!

Snow White: Mm-hmm!

Ventus: …You’re a smart one, aintcha. *finally decides to head back into the woods*

Mad Treant: ‘Sup.

Ventus: Oh great. Sure hope fifteen’s enough for this… *D-Links with Aqua for the sake of Cura and kind of just bashes it to death* YAY I DID THE THING. *goes into the next area* YO, TERRA! YOU HERE, BRO?

Terra: Actually, there’s every chance I’m back here leveling up, but for some reason you’ll never see me, it’s weird. Also if you’d just blown past Snow when you initially found her, you might’ve caught up to me.

Ventus: Fucking altruistic tendencies that don't even exist because altruism isn't real.

Red apple: *rolls next to him*

Ventus: Oh, I love apples! *picks it up and sees an old beggar woman who wasn’t in the area before*

Basket of apples: *exist*

Ventus: Yo, old timer! You dropped this.

Evil Queen: Eh? *turns around* Ah, right, forgot that I often let my most prized possessions just roll away from me like that when most others would be constantly checking every seven seconds or so to make sure the object they’re carrying is still there. *snatches the apple out of his hands* THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD SO THANKS FOR RETURNING IT AND ALLOWING ME TO CONTINUE BEING EVIL. *cackles manically*

Ventus: Huh, despite her having a basket entirely full of apples, I don’t find this suspicious at all.

Evil Queen: That sword that’s not a sword sure looks familiar…

Ventus: A guy named Terra has something similar. You seen him around?

Evil Queen: Yeah, I asked him to do a thing in exchange for some information about a dude called Xehanort, but he didn’t do the thing, the prick.

Ventus: But Terra always helps people, no matter who asks!

Evil Queen: Oh yeah, that’ll never backfire.

Ventus: Of course not, why would it?

Evil Queen: You’re some kind of moron, you know that?

Ventus: Do you know where Terra went?

Evil Queen: Have you tried calling 1-800-UH-I-DUNNO?

Ventus: I have not.

Evil Queen: I’m gonna leave before my bowels explode again.

Ventus: Okay, have fun with that. *is sad; you can see it on his sadface* Terra, what the hell did you do.

Snow White: You have a D-Link with me now!

Ventus: Oh yeah, I’m sure I’ll use that a lot.

Wayward Wind: I now have the option to upgrade to Treasure Trove!

Ventus: Neat. Don't really like it much in this game but in UX I've grown weirdly fond of it. Now how the shit did that happen.

Wayward Wind: Iunno.

~How come it’s the only decent Keyblade upgrade until Radiant Garden.~

Chapter Text

~I JUST REALIZED YOU CAN GO TO DIFFERENT WORLDS WITHOUT BULLSHIT GUMMI MISSION PIECES OF SHIT THIS IS SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME.~

Ventus: YAY TWO MORE PLANETS TO IMMEDIATELY GO TO WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HASSLE — Wait, three planets? What’s this other one? *goes to it first because it’s clearly got nothing to do with actually progressing the plot*

Mirage Arena: OKAY, CHOOSE YOUR ARMOR COLOR.

Ventus: Sweet, will this be in effect for the whole game, including the amazing cinematic end of it?

Mirage Arena: …No, it’s just for here.

Ventus: Oh. That's disappointing. And…huh, I guess I actually look pretty good in purple. Let’s go with purple.

Mirage Arena: M’kay. Now you can get a lot of cool shit here, but the currency is the medals you win instead of regular munny. In order to get medals, you can either fight shit, do moar command board shenaniganry, or do Rumble Racing.

Ventus: But that’s not possible until Disney Town!

Mirage Arena: …No, it totally is, you can do every single one right the fuck now—

Ventus: And each command board is probably locked until in-game as well, right?

Mirage Arena: …Is this your first time playing or something?

Ventus: I know, I was an idiot to go to Critical first thing, shut up. *tries a fight and beats it* Neat, what’s the other fight that’s available? *sees that it’s four-stars whereas the one he just fought was one star* …I’ll come back some other time.

Mirage Arena: Of course you will.

Ventus: *goes back into space and checks out the Castle of Dreams* Okay, this one has a battle level of two so I guess it’s next.

Title Card: HOW GORGEOUS IS THIS FUCKING CASTLE, YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

Cinderella: I am the sad.

Jaq: Cinderelly! Cinderelly! Come hither! Come hither! *climbs from the mouse hole onto the bed*

Cinderella: ‘Sup, nerd.

Jaq: New guy. Notice how I’m not saying new mouse.

Cinderella: YAY NEW MICE!

Jaq: Huh boy.

Cinderella: Where she at?

Jaq: He, don’t make me flash you. And your stepmother activated her trap card again.

Cinderella: Balls! *hurries to the door* I wonder why I’ve never questioned why the animals speak to me…

Ventus: *pacing in the mouse cage thing* You know, as mouse traps go, this isn’t that bad. Most I’ve encountered try to kill you instantly. In fact, I don’t really know if I actually register this as a mouse trap. *grasps the bars of the cage and peers out* HOW THE FUCK DID I GET SO SMAAAAALL?!

Terra and Aqua: I see no difference.

Ro—Ventus: Oh both of you can just go straight to hell. *takes another look at the cage* …Okay, I could totally slip through these bars, what the hell am I doing not trying to escape? Also I have a FUCKING KEY THAT CAN OPEN ANY LOCK, WHY AREN’T I USING IT.

Door: *opens*

Ventus: …That is one large woman. Shit, don’t look up her dress, don’t look up her dress…

Cinderella: *picks up the cage and tips it, sending Ventus careening to the other side*

Ventus: …Ow?!

Cinderella: Quit being a pussy. *opens cage* Huh, something that is quite clearly a tiny human. OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE JUST A WEIRD LOOKING MOUSE.

Ventus: You high on bleach or something?

Cinderella: More of a One Piece fan, actually. Jaq, you talk to him. *throws the cage in Jaq’s general direction*

Ventus: Jesus that woman’s got some pent-up aggression issues…What the fuck is that.

Jaq: *enters cage* Now, now, now. Rooka, rittle guy! Raker reesy!

Ventus: …What.

Cinderella: Read the subtitles that we can never take off ever, and never stop reading them whenever this douchebag’s on screen.

Ventus: “Calm your shit, you moron.” Ah, gotcha.

Jaq: Hakuna matata, man, you got nothing to worry about! We suddenly like you! Cinderella likes everyone! Which is kind of amazing to think that she’s this kind when she goes through so much shit all the time, but hey.

Cinderella: Look at how pretty my stepford smile is!

Ventus: That is pretty, I almost believe it’s real!

Cinderella: That’s what I’m going for!

Jaq: Follow me now! Zugk-Zugk!

Ventus: …That didn’t translate, could you repeat that last part?

Jaq: My name’s Jaq!

Ventus: Apparently not…Oh, I’m Ventus. Call me Ven.

Player: *takes shot*

Jaq: …No, that’s not how it works. Cinderella has to name you.

Cinderella: I was thinking Octavius, Gus for short.

Ventus: …One, how is Gus short for Octavius. Two, I already have a fucking name and it’s never gonna be changed, got it? Three…is the real Gus gonna be eaten by Lucifer in this universe because I’m here? Am I responsible for the death of such a critical character in the Disney universe that everyone loves?!

Jaq: Actually I don’t really think anyone likes any of us mice. Anyway, if you need something, just ask.

Ventus: I need to get back to my original size.

Jaq: I don’t follow.

Ventus: Of course you don’t.

Lady Tremaine: YO, BITCH TITS.

Cinderella: Ah, slave labor time. I must piss off now. See you later if I get the chance, Ven. *leaves*

Ventus: …What did she mean by slave labor?

Jaq: Oh, it’s the worst. Every time she'd find a minute, that's the time that they begin it. *bursts into song*
Cinderelly, Cinderelly
Night and day it's Cinderelly
Make the fire, fix the breakfast
Wash the dishes, do the mopping
And the sweeping and the dusting
They always keep her hopping
She goes around in circles
Till she's very, very dizzy
Still they holler
Keep a-busy Cinderelly!

Ventus: …Really? We’re doing this?

Jaq: It’s the only way Disney can deliver halfway decent exposition!

Ventus: But she seemed so calm about it.

Jaq: Emotional repression. It’s that or be physically abused, I think, unfortunately. It’s not a healthy solution, but we’re not in a healthy world right now.

Ventus: Child-protective services not a thing, then?

Jaq: This is implied to be, like, mid to late 1800s.

Ventus: I will shut up.

Jaq: Also she’s got a dream, and it’s gonna come true one day!

Ventus: Sounds like my friend Terra! He’d go on and on about how he’d one day be a Keyblade Master, and he’d train his ass off daily to achieve that goal. So what’s Cinderella doing to achieve hers?

Jaq: Doing exactly as her stepmother and stepsisters order without question and minimal complaint, plus making clothes for us and making sure Lucifer doesn’t eat us.

Ventus: Ah, so her dream is to run a pet store and make cute outfits for animals?

Jaq: …Actually, I really just think her dream is to live as a normal person who’s not trapped by an abusive environment for at least one day.

Ventus: And she hasn’t run away yet because…?

Jaq: Hey how 'bout we normalize not asking that shit anymore because not everyone can for whatever reason and it is not

Ventus: This is true, I apologize.

Jaq: Good. Anyway a less depressing answer could be that us mice probably wouldn’t last an hour without her. We’re kind of her only friends.

Ventus: That is not less depressing at all. Oh, um, have you seen a guy called Terra around here before?

Jaq: He’s not gonna be coming anywhere near this part of the planet, no matter how often you return.

Ventus: Poop.

Jaq: And now for the grand tour of the house! And by that I mean like two rooms and various mouse holes.

Ventus: Great… *follows Jaq through mouse hole* So this is most of the level, huh. Kind of cool, actually, this is a nice change from the norm of this series…Wait, where did Jaq go? Eh, I’m sure I’ll see him again in the next cutscene or something. And of course some of the Unversed look like giant fucking shoes, don’t they, why wouldn’t they. *eyerolls* Damn it, there’s a chest up on that beam that I can’t reach…WHY CAN’T I JUMP GOOD. AND WHY WILL I NEED THE ABILITY TO FLY BEFORE I GAIN THIS ONE ITEM. FUCK. *goes into Cinderella’s room and is inexplicably on the window sill next to Jaq* Dayum that’s a pretty castle.

Jaq: Yep, we got ourselves a monarchy up in this bitch.

Ventus: That makes two so far.

Jaq: And there’s a ball being held there tonight.

Ventus: Is Cinderella going to it?

Jaq: Well frankly it would technically be illegal for her not to, but…

Cinderella: *enters* You guys friendly-friends yet?

Ventus: If it weren’t for the subtitles, I probably wouldn’t have, but yeah, this guy’s all right.

Jaq: D’aaaaww, shucks!

Cinderella: Sick. *takes out her mother’s old dress and starts humming “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes”*

Ventus: That’s pretty.

Cinderella: Thanks. You know, every eligible maiden is to attend the ball at the palace tonight? And I’m nineteen so I’m more than eligible! Finally, I’ll get to be a normal girl for fucking once! *sighs happily* I guess dreams really do come true!

Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella: YO, BITCH TITS!

Cinderella: …Or not. Fuck… *leaves*

Jaq: Yeeeeaaaaaahh, she’s not going.

Ventus: Why, what’s wrong with that dress?

Jaq: It’s a little out of date and she was going to fix it to be a more modern style. Can’t do much about the lack of bustle, but otherwise…Hey, why don’t we do it?

Ventus: Hell yeah! Searching for my friend who may or may not have turned evil can wait, I WANNA HELP MAKE A PRETTY DRESS. Though I don’t like the thought of fucking with such a delicate project…

Jaq: We got female mice that’ve already staked their claim on doing most of the actual fixing, since this came out in 1950 so times were different and shut up. It’ll just be our job to find the shit they’re gonna use so they can fix the dress offscreen where you’ll never meet any of them!

Ventus: Great, let’s go!

Jaq: Zugk-Zugk! I’ll stay here and stare at the castle while you go find what we need!

Ventus: …What items would you like me to procure for you, you dick.

Jaq: We need like six pretty things, and they’ll be huge, so I hope you have Undetectable Extension Charms on your pockets or something.

Ventus: I do indeed! *jumps down*

Jaq: Ven-Ven! Careful Roos-a-fee!

Ventus: Hang on, I didn’t see the subtitles that time, what?

Jaq: Lucifer, mean evil cat guy.

Ventus: They named the cat Lucifer? That’s not a nickname either, they actually named the cat Lucifer?!

Jaq: Hey, people name pets after their favorite book characters all the time!

Ventus: Hah, zing.

Jaq: So we need white sashes, lace, buttons, and pink fabric and thread. I’ll hold down the fort.

Roxa—Ventus: Right, this shouldn’t be too complicated at all. *jumps down and takes a look around* HOW DO THE MOOGLES KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME. And why does no one in any of the worlds question their presence. Or…Or am I the only one who can see them. What if they’re not real? WHAT IF THIS ENTIRE LIFE THAT I’M LIVING IS NOTHING MORE THAN AN ILLUSION. *jumps on ball of yarn and starts running around on it* …This is a thing I can apparently do now. Sure, why not. Hey cool, a sticker that I can actually fucking pick up. I’ll fuck around with that later.

Jaq: You’re going in the wrong direction.

Ventus: No I’m not. OH SHIT I TOTALLY AM! *goes back into the mouse hole and into the room he arrived in* YAY PINK FABRIC JUST LYING AROUND ON THE FLOOR this might actually be easier than I thought. And white lace on the couch, shabamzo. *uses ball of yarn to jump on stack of books to grab white ribbon* This would be so much easier if this wasn’t a room full of respawning enemies. *uses Sliding Dash to get to a table where there is clearly a visible mouse hole that somehow no one but Cinderella noticed because of course not, goes through the mousehole, and jumps on fork to get to a much higher level because sure let’s go with that* …And my first instinct is to knock the cheese out of this spider web because it’s the only way I’ll be able to jump on things later. Because spider webs can hold cheese chunks of this size. Naturally. HOW DID I GET THAT LOUIE STICKER THAT WAS PURE FUCKING LUCK. *makes his way back up to the highest part of the mouse hole and comes out on top of the wardrobe where he goes over to the shelf and grabs pink thread, and is instantly transported back to Cinderella’s room* OH THANK MERLIN I DON’T HAVE TO RUN ALL THE WAY BACK. Wait, there was a treasure chest on the other side of those books on that shelf. FUCK I EVENTUALLY HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK.

Jaq: We still need a pearl. So…Go get it I guess.

Ventus: Oh, no problem, I only had a little trouble finding everything that was needed, do you need anything else?

Jaq: Yes, a pearl, I just said.

Ventus: …Dick… *goes back to the wardrobe room*

Lucifer: *is suddenly sleeping in the middle of the floor and guarding a pearl*

Roxas: …Of course. That bead doesn’t even look like a real pearl, I don’t know what kind of stone it is but it ain’t that. Aaaaand I guess this is the boss fight? Kinda lame but whatever I guess. *still tries sneaking forward and waving his hand in front of Lucifer’s face before picking up the bead*

Lucifer: *opens his eyes the moment Ven turns around because of course*

Jaq: I’M HELPING! *throws yarn balls at Lucifer’s head to distract him and somehow it helps*

Lucifer: *smashes his body into the table Jaq was on*

Jaq: Balls! *falls to the floor* Ow my ass.

Lucifer: *goes to strike him*

Jaq: *has time to cower*

Ventus: *has time to save him and deflects Lucifer’s paw with his Keyblade* You had plenty of time, idiot, why’d you hesitate?!

Jaq: …Okay, that was badass.

Ventus: Jaq, take the worthless bead and run!

Jaq: Zugk-zugk! *takes it and runs*

Lucifer: *for some reason doesn’t change targets*

Ventus: *bashes him in the face, jumps on his back and sends him careening into the wall, and bashes him some more until he is dead*

Lucifer: *is not actually dead as we see him run away*

Ventus: YAY I DID THE THING.

Jaq: Not as satisfying as Bruno chasing him out of the attic window to his death, but at least he’s gone for the rest of the game apparently.

Ventus: My pleasure. What’s friendship without animal abuse, amirite?

Jaq: You said it!

Ventus: Now let’s magically fix that dress offscreen!

Jaq: Capital idea, old sport! *follows Ventus into the mouse hole*

Cinderella: *is staring at the castle* …Not like I wanted to go to the ball anyway! Not like I wanted to make any friends…Say hi to people…Feel like a person for the first time since my father died…Get out of this fucking house…Fuck all that shit, I don't even care that I wasn't invited even though literally every woman in the kingdom was...

Ventus: I can fix that!

Cinderella: Gwah?

Ventus and Jaq: LOOK WE MADE A PRETTY!

Cinderella: You two fixed my dress for me?

Jaq: We had offscreen help, but yeah!

Ventus: I just figured, “Why not? I don’t have friends to save!” You can go to that party now, right?

Cinderella: *sniffs* Uh-huh!

Jaq: Then get going already!

Cinderella: *beams at them, then apparently puts it on and leaves*

Ventus and Jaq: *are now staring at the stars/castle on the window sill*

Jaq: I really hope that her horrible family doesn’t completely fuck it up for her.

Ventus: Please, if I’ve learned anything from what you’ve told me, it’s that they’re the type of people to do exactly that just to see her feel bad about herself! It’ll be fine.

Jaq: You know what? You’re right! And now a random tangent: What’s your dream, Ven?

Ventus: Gonna ask me before telling me your own?

Jaq: Man, I really don't wanna get stabbed. I was thinking about it just the other day about how much I don't wanna get stabbed...It's bad.

Ventus: Yeah, no, it could be better. And I guess my dream is the one that my friends told me I was supposed to have.

Flashback Terra: *sings softly* I dreamed a dream in time gone byyyyyyyy~!

Flashback Aqua: Please stop.

Flashback Terra: No, it’s fun. Besides, you, me, and Ven all have the same dream, I’ve just decided!

Ventus: Yeah, I guess I don’t really have a dream of my own. But since the other two want to become/have already become Keyblade Masters, I guess that’s acceptable for me as well. *summons Wayward Wind*

Jaq: I will not question where that weapon keeps going and how you can instantly summon it like that and instead assume your dream’ll come true as well, even if it takes far more than a decade.

Ventus: …Thanks…?

Jaq: Zugk-zugk!

Ventus: Oy vey.

Jaq: Well there's only one thing for us to do now. Let's go roll around in some shit and piss.

Ventus: I'M GONNA GO.

Jaq: What? Why!?

Ventus: People hate walking through piss, I'm told.

Jaq: It's not true.

Ventus: Oh.

New Keyblade: Stroke of Midni—WOW that’s pretty.

~Except Treasure Trove is way better, though…~

Chapter Text

~Aren’t you glad I’m not really going over what my specific command decks consist of?~

Ventus: *goes back to the Castle of Dreams and gets that chest on the shelf he missed* YAY DONE UNTIL I LEARN GLIDE.

Jaq: I talk the same way I speak in the text boxes!

Ventus: And now I’m gone because no. Oh hey, a new Command Board level.

Cinderella: You’ll be going up against me and only me in this.

Ventus: Neat. And I see the boards are only going to get more complicated from here on out, that’s cool.

Cinderella: *accidentally goes first because I fucked up* Look I found a thing that makes the thing go.

Ventus: Well shit. *plays hand after hand after hand and jumps around the board, somehow getting all the Special Panels so the Fairy Godmother can give him moar points* So yeah, I’m basically cheating. So no one take my victories as proof that I’m better, but if you want to you can.

Cinderella: *is getting really far behind now* Do it legit, you git!

Ventus: *wins by somehow doing everything correctly* I did the mysterious thing that I didn’t know what I did.

Cinderella: That doesn’t even count ‘cause you’re better.

Ventus: So see you in the Mirage Arena?

Cinderella: Oh I’m fucked. Proper fucked, in fact.

Ventus: *goes to the Enchanted Dominion and Apparates directly into the castle apparently* Terra came here first…I WONDER IF I’LL FIND HIM HERE. And I am apparently confused as to how doors work. *goes inside door* This décor is pretty. And there’s a sleepy lady who is also pretty.

Aurora: I’M UNCONSCIOUS!

Ventus: Yep, that’s how sleep works.

Flora: GET AWAY FROM HER, YOU BITCH!

Ventus: Little women too, now, huh? And who’s the tall one in the bed? I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful! You know, aside from Cinderella, who wasn’t in a pretty dress at the time and her hair looks dumb when it’s up like that anyway…Snow White had kind of an equally stupid haircut and she qualified more as cute…And I haven’t met any other Disney princesses yet so I guess the one in a coma tops the list.

Flora: *flies around in front of him* Who’re you, anyway?

Ventus: …Okay, I’ll process the flying thing later. Name’s Ventus, but you can call me Ven.

Player: *takes shot*

Fauna: You’re adorable and therefore cannot possibly be evil under any circumstances. Though since we’re fairies it might make sense that we can tell you’re as good and pure as Aurora.

Ventus: Can you tell me why she’s sleeping? Because I somehow know this kind of sleep is different and she’s not just taking a nap or plain fucking sleeping like all creatures need to do in order to recharge and fucking survive?

Flora: Yeah, tl;dr, a witch called Maleficent did all of the bad things and now Aurora’s heart’s missing from her chest cavity.

Merryweather: It's like someone shoplifted her guts out of her body.

Fauna:Think of it that way.

Ventus: …Then how is she still alive, you kind of need that to pump blood.

Merryweather: No, they’re stand-ins for souls, remember?

Ventus: This mythos makes no sense.

Flora: She did almost die, though, but we changed it so she would only be in a coma instead.

Ventus: That's good. The kids that survive being murdered as children are badasses. I was never murdered as a child, and see how good I turned out! Oh no, wait, I’m totally mentally unstable and a freaking weirdo. Anyway, want me to get her heart back, or…?

Fauna: INCONCEIVABLE! And even if you tried, it would be impossible for us to help you.

Ventus: I implore you to reconsider.

Flora: Hmm…Okay! The Forbidden Mountain is through the Forbidden Forest. We wouldn’t want you to get lost, so follow the surprisingly linear layout of this planet and we’ll meet you at the next plot-relevant cutscene!

Ventus: Works for me!

Enchanted Dominion title card: …Why does it look like tentacles are erupting from Aurora’s vagina? We, uh, we probably could’ve done this better…

Ventus: Wonder what’s behind the fireplace…A Sleep spell. Of fucking course. Sigh. *talks to Moogle* COULD I BUY CURE BEFORE OH WHO CARES I AM BUYING ALL OF IT NOW FUCK. *buys all of the Cure and Thunder spells he can afford* I feel so much more secure now… *goes out through the castle and across the bridge into the forest* Wonder what was with those enemies back in the castle that dropped candies and stuff…Eh, probably won’t amount to anything. *goes back and forth in order to level up and level up commands and to meld commands and to do a bunch of other shit* Why do I have the scary feeling that I won’t be able to save for a while? *saves like four times out of paranoia before heading up to the area blocked off by green flame* Well this isn’t ominous at all.

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather: Sure isn’t.

Ventus: HOLY SHIT WHERE DID YOU THREE COME FROM.

Flora: *starts sobbing* We’ll never make it through here!

Fauna: …Aguamenti. *flames disappear*

Flora: …I actually suck shit, by the way.

Ventus: *goes into the next area* …Well that’s epically terrifying.

Merryweather: You're in the filth-ass shit-town now.

Ventus: Yep. *goes up to the castle and sees all of Maleficent’s minions scampering about the place* There seems to be some kind of nameless horror scampering about the Death House. *kills them all and goes into the castle where the fairies are suddenly with him again* Seriously, where do you three go when it’s not a cutscene — OH NO TWO OF THE MONSTERS I JUST BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF WITH RELATIVE EASE WHAT DO I DO.

Flora: You’ll never make it! Ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it! Don’t you see, you can’t make it!

Ventus: …Fuck it. *charges them head-on and murders wave after wave of them until they are dead* Kablouses. It’s the new exploding blouse. *heads into the next area* What, another big, wide open room where Unversed will keep showing up?

Wall: *springs into existence*

Ventus: …Or a confusing forced maze with teleport pads all over the place works too, I guess. Don’t remember this being in the movie that I’ve only seen twice in my life. *takes five hours to get through it* WHY ISN’T THERE A SAVE POINT ANYWHERE IN THIS FUCKING CASTLE. *dicks around some more until he reaches a point where there is clearly a door he can’t get it* …Phillip is right behind this door, and more importantly a save point is right the fuck here. And yet it remains inaccessible to me. For absolutely no reason other than me psychically being aware that my storyline doesn’t involve this shit. I…I kind of loathe everything right now. *slams on the door* Hey! Phillip! If I die and lose this save, I will shit on you.

Phillip: Now hold on a minute, sir. Before you propose such an action, might I suggest you perhaps shit on yourself?

Ventus: No.

Phillip: Okay.

Ventus: *dicks around some more until he reaches the throne, which is also on green fire and has a large-ish ball of light floating above it* Huh. *psychically knows he has to point his Keyblade at it*

Stroke of Midnight: *shoots white laser beam at floating ball of light causing the green flames to vanish and the ball of light to fly away*

Ventus: …WELL I’M DONE HERE I GUESS. *starts to have flashbacks that aren’t his*

Phillip: No, we totally met before, honest!

Aurora: I don’t remember this.

Phillip: No, it was that song you were singing, “Once Upon A Dream,” it really spoke to me and I want to pretend we’ve been dreaming of each other specifically all this time in order to seem romantic.

Aurora: You smooth fucker.

Phillip: Also I was there the day you were born, I was like five or something and was confused at the concept of infants.

Aurora: I LIKE TWIRLING!

Phillip: I like watching you twirl!

Aurora: And now I’m convinced that I dreamed about you specifically now. Ah, suggestibility.

Phillip: I’m going to do the smart thing and actually ask you what your fucking name is, unlike some Disney princes I could mention.

Aurora: …I JUST REMEMBERED THE CONCEPT OF STRANGER DANGER AND WILL NOW PISS OFF.

Phillip: Wha—But I really like you!

Aurora: Likewise, but this is already moving too fast for me.

Phillip: …How.

Aurora: Dude, you’re literally the first person I’ve seen that wasn’t one of my aunts since infancy.

Phillip: Oh, okay, that’s now, gotcha. But…Could we possibly meet up again sometime?

Aurora: …How does tonight sound? Here, have my address. *gives it to him and runs off*

Phillip: …Okay, now I think we’re moving too fast.

Ventus: *stops having flashback and starts shouting at Aurora who’s not even there* SKELETONS ARE NOT THAT FUCKING THIN. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. EAT SOMETHING, I DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS, AND TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING CORSET, HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO FUNCTION IF YOU CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE OR MOVE.

Flora: Eh, she’s fine, she’s not malnourished at all, she’s just got a really fast metabolism. It happens, you know, not everyone who’s that thin has an eating disorder. Just most of them. Also yay, you did the thing or whatever.

Ventus: You hear about that hot guy?

Flora: Yep, she wanted a boyfriend so badly that she eventually settled for the first man she saw. Who she was coincidentally betrothed to anyway so everything worked out in the end.

Fauna: I can somehow tell that you believe in something very strongly as well!

Ventus: Power of friendship or the desire to become a Keyblade master someday?

Fauna: Little of column A, little of column B.

Flora: You’re also entirely composed of light, as if any and all darkness was surgically separated somehow.

Ventus: I get that a lot.

Merryweather:: Can we leave now, or…?

Ventus: Only if I can be transported directly to the entrance to this room without having to go through the maze again.

Merryweather:: Done!

Ventus: Neat! *runs into the previous room* …Hello…person.

Maleficent: So you just fucked up my evil plan.

Flora: Oh hey, it’s that bitch we don’t like ‘cause she’s evil.

Ventus: Hey! Stop being evil! *tries to slash at her but she teleports away in swirling green flames* Well that’s gonna make things complicated.

Maleficent: Is that a Keyblade? So you’re Ventus?

Ventus: …How’d you know that? And what makes you think that this giant key I’m using as a type of blade would be any sort of Keyblade?

Maleficent: I’m vaguely psychic I guess. Also Terra did the bad thing.

Ventus: I am disbelief.

Maleficent: He tore Aurora’s heart out of her chest cavity and everything.

Ventus: That’s not true! That’s impossible!

Maleficent: Search your feelings, you know it to be true. And I know that Terra told me not to hurt you, but you need some kind of boss fight for this area, so…

Merryweather:: We’re gonna help! *turns into a tiny ball of light* No, seriously, use us or you’ll probably die.

Ventus: Noted. *uses fairies to knock Maleficent out for a bit so he can whale on her for a bit*

Maleficent: *recovers, teleports away, and summons a lightning storm* You’re gonna dead. You’re gonna dead.

Ventus: *is getting continuously hit by lightning* No I’m fine.

Maleficent: You’re gonna dead.

Ventus: *uses Cure and continues to run around and whale on her until she loses all her health*

Maleficent: …OW?!

Ventus: Now take back what you said about Terra!

Maleficent: Fine, I put him under the Imperius Curse. But he still didn’t resist it though! That means he wanted it to happen!

Ventus: Shit.

Aqua: Oh fuck off with that shit! *comes running into the room* Not everyone can throw it off so easily if at all. We can’t blame him for succumbing to an Unforgivable, okay, Ven? It wasn’t his fault and no one should be blamed for being forced like that. Got it?

Ventus: Got it!

Maleficent: Fine, live in denial all you want, it amuses me. And do you really know what he was thinking at the time? Can you ever know?

Aqua: Of course not, that’s the point of being individual people, Christ. *blatantly ignores one of the most famous and powerful Disney villains of all time* So Ven, Ecivresnaf sent me to pick you up.

Ventus: But I need to track down Terra, though.

Aqua: Saw him at the Castle of Dreams, he seemed fine. And frankly, Master Xehanort went missing and our dual mission is to go search for him; Terra’s using this as a opportunity to get a field promotion so there’s no way he’ll be coming home unless it’s with Master Xehanort in tow.

Ventus: I’m sorry, I’m having a flashback.

Vanitas: Terra will either die or turn evil if you don’t go down to him right the fuck now.

Ventus: Is that a threat?

Vanitas: It’s a promise. He’s gonna surpass you so quickly that by the time you meet up again he’ll have done so many horrible things as to be unrecognizable.

Ventus: And I’m done. But no, I got a pretty ominous threat concerning Terra before I left, and I have to make sure it doesn’t come to fruition! *runs off*

Aqua: Ven, wait! What the hell’re you talking about?!

Ventus: I don’t think I’ll ever directly tell you!

Aqua: You shitbird!

Fauna: Should we do something?

Flora: Enh…nah.

Ventus: *is now running out of the castle* …WELL THAT’S THIS PLANET DONE I GUESS!

Fairy Stars: *is also a really cool-looking Keyblade*

~…So did Maleficent just stand there silently that whole time, or…?~

Chapter Text

~We now return to Ventus…IIIIINNN SPAAAAAAAACE!~

Ventus: Cannot get “Simple and Clean” outta my fucking head…

Vanitas: Ever tried “Sanctuary”? *floats past him in a ball of darkness*

Ventus: I’ll keep that in mind — HEY WAIT! *follows him through a portal of light* Huh, I’m back on the regular planet board thing again. Wonder why I never see Terra, Aqua, or this other guy hanging around. Meh. Oh look, a new planet! *goes to it* A derelict wasteland, huh? Maybe I’ll see Piccolo around here somewhere. *space hover board vanishes* NO FALL DAMAAAAGE boom. Somehow I know that I followed the other guy there instead of the several other planets I’ve unlocked or ones that I have yet to unlock.

Vanitas: Behind you, dipshit.

Ventus: Hey, was wondering if I could clarify some of the things you were saying about Terra earlier?

Vanitas: What, that he’d turn evil? I thought that was pretty self-explanatory.

Ventus: I’m disinclined to believe you.

Vanitas: Fine, he won’t turn evil per se, he’ll only get possessed and his body will be forced to do evil things. Same difference, really. *summons Void Gear Keyblade*

Ventus: …That Keyblade looks pretty fucking sick, not gonna lie. *summons Fairy Lights* We fight now?

Vanitas: We fight now. And for some reason this isn’t our main fight.

Ventus: What do you mean?

Vanitas: Oh, I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough. By the way, you’re actually fated to lose this fight. Never stop tickling the butthole of fate.

Ventus: I don’t believe in fate!

Vanitas: Yeah but this is a prequel, a lot of shit's predetermined by default.

Ventus: Oh.

Vanitas: …Fuck it, ending the game now. *gathers energy with the Void Gear and shoots it at Ven* YEAH PURPLE FIRE AND SCORCH MARKS! Wait, why aren’t I a weapon now?

Mickey: Because fuck you!

Vanitas: …The fuck did you come from?

Mickey: I can’t control my teleportation for shit. *summons Star Seeker* Cura!

Ventus: What, no Curaga?

Mickey: I haven’t melded it yet, shut up. *turns to Vanitas* So…Where’d someone like you get a Keyblade like that anyway? Keyblades aren’t meant to beat people up! And I’ll prove it to you by beating you up!

Ventus: I can get behind this! *gets up and starts fighting alongside Mickey*

Vanitas: Wouldn’t it be a shame if I teleported all the time and all you were trying to hit were afterimages?

Ventus: Whatever, you’re not the only one who can throw fireballs! And other magic attacks as well!

Vanitas: *takes a decent amount of time to kill*

Mickey: I guess that dude's face is a super tough face. You'll never do enough damage to that face. Except for that time.

Ventus: YAY YOU’RE DEAD!

Vanitas: *jumps up like a break dancer* Oh trust me, you’d know if you defeated me.

Ventus and Mickey: WHAT THE SHIT.

Vanitas: Conglaturations, you reached the halfway point of your section of the video game. *creates a Dark Corridor behind him* Well, roughly…it’s kinda hard to pin down, actually…Meh. *walks backward into it and disappears*

Ventus: *vanishes his Keyblade* I really feel like we could’ve followed him just there if we bothered to run or something. Oh, thanks for saving my life, by the way. Name’s Ventus.

Player: *fills shot glass*

Ventus: What’s yours?

Player: *drops shot glass in shock*

Mickey: Mickey!

Ventus: Nice Keyblade you got there.

Mickey: Thanks, it’s actually not that great. You know who is great, though? Noiti Sopxe. *vanishes Star Seeker* He found out the universe is in trouble, and I sort of fucked off without his permission. I do a lot of stuff without my mentor's permission.

Ventus: Hey, me too!

Mickey: I can’t control Gummi shit yet. *pulls out Star Shard* I’m supposed to just teleport wherever with this at my will, but I’m having a hard time controlling it and end up in the strangest of plot-related scenarios even when I’m not even trying to activate it. But hey, if I hadn’t fucked up, we never would’ve met!

Ventus: Somehow I feel like that kind of thinking has caused many a significant change in my life…

Mickey: Or it could be reacting to something specific instead of just malfunctioning randomly, Iunno.

Star Shard: Oh hey cool, plot happening. *glows really brightly and Ventus and Mickey both get engulfed in light*

Ventus: …Why am I suddenly in armor and riding my space hover board upside down in the vacuum of space? *turns around* Oh hey, a new planet. That’s convenient. AND I ALSO RANDOMLY LEARNED HIGH JUMP THIS WILL HELP SO FUCKING MUCH.

Mickey: You also forged a D-Link with me!

Ventus: Wonder how useful that’ll be, ‘cause aside from needing Aqua in the beginning I don’t actually use the D-Links all that much…

Mickey: BITCH I DOUBLE YOUR EXP.

Ventus: *hears none of this as he lands on Radiant Garden*

Radiant Garden title card: Let’s just get this out of the way right now.

Music: You can tell it’s similar to Hollow Bastion’s theme except just slightly happier in tone.

Ventus: This is a nice little planet…And there’s a duck walking around with clothes. Meh, I just got my ass saved by a talking mouse wearing clothes, I can dig this.

Mickey: You say something?

Ventus: I did, actually!

Mickey: Well come over here and say it, ‘cause I’m walking away from you.

Ventus: Shit. *makes sure the duck is actually nowhere to be found anymore before following Mickey past a shitton of Unversed and up to the gates of the castle* …Are those two guards fucking asleep?

Dilan: No idea what you’re talking about.

Aeleus: Me neither.

Ventus: Well at least I can just slip on by—

Dilan and Aeleus: Yeah no.

Ventus: Pfft, a single lance and a tiny axe? Is that really supposed to frighten me?

Aeleus: Castle’s closed to civilians at present.

Ventus: Did either of you see a giant talking mouse wearing human clothes come through here by any chance?

Dilan: No, actually. And you might want to get to safety before you’re murdered by a shitton of monsters.

Ventus: You mean like that monster?

Top part of Trinity Armor: ‘Sup.

Aeleus: …Indeed, like that.

Dilan: Stand back, kid, we got this.

Ventus: Nah. *runs forward*

Aeleus: Stop, don’t, come back.

Dilan: I give him fifteen seconds.

Aeleus: Feeling generous today?

Dilan: Eh.

Even: Yeah, you two aren’t going anywhere.

Aeleus: …Dude, a civilian child is going to get murdered to death if we don’t do something to help.

Even: Somehow I know he has a Keyblade or something.

Aeleus: A what now?

Dilan: Doesn’t matter, why try to save the people we’re assigned to protect anyway? We’ve got a castle to fall asleep against!

Even: No time for that now, His Lordship needs help hiding the bodies again.

Aeleus: Urgh, more? *goes back inside with Dilan*

Even: No seriously, how can I tell that his heart doesn’t have any darkness in it. And how can I tell which methods were used to do so. *starts drooling* Oh, I want to dissect it…

Aeleus: Even, you’re drooling again.

Even: Oh, sorry! *follows the other two*

Ventus: …Are they gone? *tries to go back through the door* Damn it, it’s locked! If only I had a key that could open any lock! *bashes Unversed to death with Keyblade* Eh, might as well stick around and level up for several hours before moving on again, since there’s a save point right here and that fills me with determination. *eventually heads back to the Central Square*

Scrooge McDuck: Why am I convinced that you want my money and not my life?

Top part of Trinity Armor: Fucked if I know.

Ventus: *throws Fairy Lights* Look out!

Scrooge McDuck: Aye, I will! *actual dialogue as he ducks. Geddit? ‘Cause he’s a duck? Anyone?*

Top part of Trinity Armor: That hurt so badly I have to run away now!

Ventus: Huh, looks like all that leveling paid off. *starts to run after it*

Scrooge McDuck: Hold up a second!

Ventus: But there’s an evil monster that’s gonna destroy everything and murder everyone!

Scrooge McDuck: Ah, it can wait.

Ventus: This is true. *stops in his tracks and vanished his Keyblade*

Scrooge McDuck: I’d like to pay ye back fer savin’ me life.

Ventus: All in a day’s work, sir! *is about to run off again*

Scrooge McDuck: Oh, I quite insist, lad!

Ventus: I am visibly frustrated.

Scrooge McDuck: That’s nice, now let me take off me hat fer a quick second there. C’mere.

Ventus: Sometimes I think I’m entirely too trusting. *comes over to him*

Scrooge McDuck: Yer from another planet, aren’ ye?

Ventus: …You saw me land, didn’t you.

Scrooge McDuck: That I did, lad! But dinna worry, no one would believe me if’n I told ‘em! Frankly, I’m not from around here either! And somehow no one’s questioned it! Everyone here’s a great bloody idiot! An animal walkin’ and talkin’ in human clothin’ and no one bats an eye? Right amazin’, innit?!

Ventus: How’d you get here?

Scrooge McDuck: Merlin.

Ventus: …Okay.

Scrooge McDuck: Wanted to expand me business, ya know?

Ventus: That’s nice, I’m leaving now.

Scrooge McDuck: Look, do ye want fast passes fer Disneyland or no.

Ventus: …Yes. Yes I do.

Scrooge McDuck: Excellent! Here’s one fer you and yer parents!

Ventus: I don’t have those things. I do have two older siblings, though!

Scrooge McDuck: Take them, then!

Ventus: Okay…Wait, why weren’t you in the first game? Were you just in another area that wasn’t the castle or were you trapped somewhere inside the castle for the whole thing?

Scrooge McDuck: Fucked if I know, laddie!

Ventus: Okay, this was fun, I’m off to save the planet now.

Scrooge McDuck: Ye have fun with that!

Ventus: *chasing after the Trinity Armor* Okay, now that we’ve got that distraction out of the way—

Merlin: WOULD YOU KIDS TURN THAT SHIT DOWN ALREADY?!

Ventus: …Dafuq. *sees an old guy come out of a house* Dude, if you stay out here you’ll probably die. Get back inside.

Merlin: No.

Ventus: Well I tried.

Merlin: Bitch I’m Merlin!

Ventus: …The guy we’ve kind of turned into a swear word? And never replaced it with anyone else's name in some kind of stage production because why would that ever work and who would ever use it since it hasn't been long enough for that yet?

Merlin: The very same, my dear chap!

Ventus: …So there’s an evil monster destroying everything and murdering everyone, so I’m just gonna get back to that…

Merlin: Ah, it can wait.

Ventus: This is true.

Merlin: There is something I must first do. I see something within you, young man. Strength yet untapped, power yet unleashed.

Ventus: Um…How can you tell?

Merlin: Magic has a way of leaving traces. There’s a book inside if you want to check it out and gain the mystical powers or whatever.

Ventus: What book?

Player: Please don’t be Winnie the Pooh, please don’t be Winnie the Pooh, please don’t be Winnie the Pooh…

Ventus: *tentatively goes inside Merlin’s house and opens the dreaded book*

Player: Oh, it’s just a command board, that’s fine, then.

Ventus: OKAY, I’M DONE FUCKING AROUND. TIME TO KILL SHIT. *spends the next however many hours working his way through the rest of Radiant Garden killing shit in order to get to the boss. I almost typed Hollow Bastion just then. Can’t for the life of me figure out why* Okay, finally reached the right area — HEY TERRA!

Aqua: HEY TERRA!

Terra: Aqua, Ven. Wait, Ven?!

Aqua: I told you!

Terra: Oh, right.

Ventus, Aqua, and Terra: *all summon their respective Keyblades*

Terra: …I’m holding Treasure Trove, why is this showing Earthshaker.

Aqua: And I’ve got Destiny’s Embrace equipped, not Rainfell.

Ventus: Never mind that, are you telling me there were more boss Unversed?

Trinity Armor: *connects all three parts into something infinitely more badass than the Guard and Reverse Armors could ever hope to be*

Ventus: Ah.

Terra: Y’all ready for this?

Aqua: We’ll find out! *dies almost instantly*

Ventus: …Fuck, she’s basically Donald, isn’t she?

Terra: Apparently.

Trinity Armor: *can apparently summon fireballs that float around for no reason until they decide to hit people*

Terra: And I’m out too. Fuck.

Aqua: I’m awake again! And now I’m dead again.

Ventus: WHAT THE SHIT, YOU GUYS.

Trinity Armor: *splits up, giving everyone three different targets as one hops around and the other two fly around slamming into people or firing lasers and shit everywhere*

Ventus: I am not enjoying doing the brunt of the work you two! *kills one of the pieces*

Other two pieces: *shoot lightning at each other and spin around and shit*

Ventus: …Okay, don’t get hit by that. Noted.

Terra: I am now alive again! And I’m not completely ineffectual!

Ventus: Oh huzzah! *still does most of the work*

Aqua: CUTSCENE FINISHING MOVE!

Terra and Ventus: ON IT! *team up and murder Trinity Armor to death*

Terra: YAY WE WON.

Aqua: We should really team up more often in a part of the game that’s not just the command board or plot-related shit.

Ventus: Totally agree. Hey, Terra! I’m half-convinced that you’re up to random acts of evil and that you’re starting to turn into a bad guy, plus the fact that some random guy said that you would change for the worse and that I would barely recognize you anymore. Even though I’ve been sidetracked by incredibly important things like fashion design and the like, I’ve been really worried about you for some time now. But who cares about any of that! WE’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

Terra: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

Ventus: Well, Disney Town, but still, you know? *hands the other two the fast passes* This giant talking duck gave them to me.

Terra: I see no reason to question this.

Aqua: Well I met him too, so…

Ventus: He told me to take my parents, but you guys are my siblings, so…

Aqua: Sometimes I think we are your parents.

Terra: That’s too adorable an image, I’m getting a fluff overload over here.

Aqua: NO! MORE FLUFF! After I take Ven home anyway.

Ventus: …Didn’t you just say that we should team up more often?

Aqua: Yep!

Ventus: …Look, I’ve gotten way stronger since I left the Land of Departure! I even took out the guy in the mask that was threatening Terra! I mean, I didn’t kill him, but I beat the shit out of him, which is basically the same thing; he’ll never want revenge for something like that!

Terra: Wait, you saw Vanitas?!

Ventus: …If he’s the guy in the mask, then as established, yes.

Aqua: …Who are we even talking about right now.

Ventus: Should…Should I not have fought that guy?

Terra: No you really shouldn’t have. Let Aqua take you home. Now.

Ventus: Why should I be shunted to the sidelines again?! I’m easily more powerful than both of you! I was the only one who was able to not die against that Unversed just now!

Terra: *laughs* Excuse me? You passed out, like, twice or something!

Ventus: No I didn’t! You did!

Terra: Clearly you were hallucinating, since I never passed out during this fight.

Ventus: Yes you did! And you, Oh Great And Powerful Keyblade Master, you died like three times or something over the course of the fight! You were the worst one of us!

Aqua: I did not see that at all!

Terra: I did not see that likewise, in a way that is similar to you.

Aqua: I’ll have you know that I never passed out! I did see Terra die a couple times though. Not as much as you, Ven, but still more than I did. Which was zero.

Terra: There’s two schools of thought on this and neither school really cares. Ven, just let the adults handle it, okay? We gotta do dangerous shit and you’ll just die over and over again. I don’t want to see that happen anymore.

Aqua: …What are you talking about? All we have to do is find Master Xehanort. Is there some sort of side quest you’re not telling us about? One not sanctioned by the Master?

Terra: Actually, yes. Master Xehanort isn’t willing to come home until I’ve helped him rectify a mistake he’s made. It involves fighting the darkness, just like Master Ecivresnaf wanted.

Aqua: Okay, we acknowledge that you were placed under the Imperius Curse in the Enchanted Dominion, but that still doesn’t excuse you even considering doing horrible things to people in the first place, even if it is to fulfill your primary objective. Because I somehow know about your choices in the Dwarf Woodlands.

Ventus: Hey, the important thing is that he didn’t do the bad thing in the end.

Aqua: He still considered it though, which is just as bad apparently and makes him an asshole.

Terra: In my head?

Aqua: Yes you are! I am mad at you for saying this thing in your own mind! And him even considering to use the darkness is why he failed in the first place; if he keeps backpedalling like this he’ll never make it! Ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it! Don’t you see, he can’t make it!

Terra: *exasperated sigh* Look, I’ve just befriended the first people I met in each world and gave them a hand, same as you two!

Aqua: Yeah, but we don’t befriend extremely obviously evil people!

Terra: Master Xehanort.

Aqua: …He doesn’t count, Master Ecivresnaf trusts him too for some dumbass reason even though he actually has proof that he’s evil.

Terra: And we all follow the Master’s example. You can’t really blame me for automatically trusting obvious villains, it’s how I was trained! *blinks* Also I’m resentful of you spying on me for the Master.

Aqua: Dude, we all got the same four or five worlds at the start and we’ll keep unlocking the same worlds that happen to be geographically closest to our starting point, even if their locations shift radically in ten years because that’s how planetary alignments work. It’s not really that hard to keep up with what you two have been up to.

Terra: But the Master did order you to spy on me, right?

Aqua: …Okay yes.

Ventus: Aqua! How dare you expressly follow the orders that our collective father figure whom we all implicitly trust gave to you!

Terra: How’s all that betrayal food in your stomach digesting?!

Ventus: Does it taste delicious?

Terra: Does it taste like deceit?!

Ventus: Does it pass easily?!

Aqua: Hey whatever man, fuck you, I’m not perfect. No one’s perfect in this world.

Terra: Everybody betray me. I’m fed up with this world! *turns to leave*

Ventus: Bro, wait up—

Terra: Piss off.

Ventus: *sharp intake of breath*

Terra: …Okay I’m sorry, but I need some alone time, all right? *starts to walk away*

Aqua: Terra, please! The Master has seen so many people implode from the darkness, and he loves you like a son so he doesn’t want you to suffer the same fate if he can help it! I was only supposed to keep a vague eye on you and prevent you from implosion if necessary! Damn it, Terra, please don’t use this personal betrayal as an excuse to follow an even darker path!

Terra: Hey, that’s a great idea, I’m gonna go do that! *leaves*

Aqua: Ah shit…

Ventus: You’re the nozzle that the douche juice comes out of.

Aqua: For doing my job?

Ventus: Yes. Also were you also ordered to take me home.

Aqua: Now that’s a little of column A and a little of column B. I was actually all for defying the Master’s orders on this one, seeing him as being overly paranoid, but considering you got your ass handed to you several times throughout this last boss fight—

Ventus: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT HER ASS HANDED TO HER SO OFTEN! I NEVER FUCKING DIED ONCE!

Aqua: Wait, what level even are you right now?

Ventus: Thirty-six!

Aqua: …Holy shit, I’m only thirty-three. You know, when you put it like that, this seems like shit.

Ventus: Aqua, following orders and showing reluctance when the orders you’re given go against what you want to do and what you think is right means that you’ve let your new rank go to your head.

Aqua: No it doesn’t, it means I’m doing my fucking job.

Ventus: Whatever, Imma go after Terra into an area that I don’t think you’re allowed in because you psychically know your section of the plot doesn’t take you down there. *runs off*

Aqua: Stop, don’t, come back.

~THIS WORLD IS SO LONG AND HAS SO MUCH PLOT I NEED TO BREAK IT UP BEFORE I ASPLOAD.~

Chapter Text

~Well that was fun, wasn’t it.~

Ventus: *fights his way through to the Central Square again* Ah great, now we have Unversed attacking children.

Ienzo: I wish I had some fucking lines so I could scream for help. Or am I just staring at all of them in scientific fascination.

Ventus: I don’t know but don’t worry, I’ll get rid of them for you.

Ienzo: Okay, thanks. *runs off*

Ventus: *defeats all the Unversed* Well that was appallingly easy.

Even: Yo Ienzo, where you at?

Ienzo: Over here!

Even: Oh good, you’re not dead. That would have been bad. Also stop wandering off.

Ienzo: No.

Even: So, uh, yeah, thanks for saving the kid, I guess. He’s an orphan being raised by a bunch of scientists who are somehow not using him for experiments.

Ienzo: How do you know you’re not? Why do you think I keep running away?

Ventus: Wow, another Disney-ish character who doesn’t have parents. What a fucking shock that is. Still, you’re ungodly adorable, even with the emo haircut. You might want to make sure the kid doesn’t get amblyopia.

Even: YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

Ventus: …You seen a tall guy with a red X on his chest and back and the stupidest haircut you’ve ever seen run by here at all?

Even: I think Braig was meeting a guy in the Outer Gardens. Try there maybe?

Ventus: What, the only part of the planet I haven’t been yet? Sure, I’ll get right on it.

Even: Consider me giving you vague directions payment for saving a young child’s life.

Ienzo: Why don’t I have any fucking lines.

Even: Also me and your look-a-like are gonna hang out a bunch in about ten or eleven years.

Ventus: What?

Even: I CAN SEE THE FUTURE.

Ventus: I’m sure you can.

Ienzo: The plot doesn’t thicken, but it’s congealing at least. *leaves with Even*

Ventus: …WELL OKAY THEN. *heads to the only area he hasn’t been to yet* Down to this evil basement. A basement you would be hesitant to go into under normal circumstances…A save point? Is, uh, is there another boss here, ‘cause that doesn’t exactly fill me with determination… *heads to the Outer Gardens* YO TERRA, YOU BEAT BRAIG AND TALK TO MASTER XEHANORT PRETTY FUCKING QUICKLY JUST NOW, HUH?

Terra: Well you were protecting Ienzo—

Ventus: Yeah, from a bunch of total jobber Unversed that I cleaned up in seconds!

Terra: Huh. Well I got nothing then.

Ventus: Cool, so can I go with you now?

Terra: Nope.

Ventus: But I’m the same level as you!

Terra: I know, but pride and the lack of sick team-up options in this game dictate that I must go on alone.

Ventus: That’s such a stupid reason!

Terra: Yes it is. But I know you’ll be there when I really need you.

Ventus: …You really think that sickening platitude will make me drop it?

Terra: Maybe?

Ventus: Because that’s such a stupid thing to say! I’m your friend; of course I’ll be there! Which is why I want to be there for you now!

Terra: Still no. Thanks for the friendship pick-me-up, though, I needed it. *hits armored shoulder thing and puts on his armor again, flying off into space*

Ventus: HEY WAIT WE’RE NOT DONE HERE! Graaah… Imma flash back to what Terra just said to me exactly thirty seconds ago. I’m sure that won’t annoy anyone and make them think that the gamemakers think they’re stupid or anything. And now that I think about it, what he said kinda worries me. Now I could follow after him immediately, considering I’m still pissed at Aqua for spying on Terra and trying to bring me back home. Therefore, I SHOULD TELL HER EVERYTHING I’VE JUST WITNESSED ABOUT TERRA! *backtracks* Hey, Aqua, you finish fighting Vanitas yet?

Aqua: Only just. Didja find Terra?

Ventus: Yep!

Aqua: …So where is he?

Ventus: Oh, he fucked off.

Aqua: Well done.

Ventus: Shaddup.

Aqua: With pleasure, I have to leave anyway.

Ventus: Good, I’ll come with.

Aqua: You will not! Just go home already!

Ventus: Not until you give me a decent reason to! And don’t give me the “I’m too weak” treatment because that’s the one thing I’m not buying. I haven’t had to use a Continue once and I always make sure to be vastly overlevelled than I need to be!

Aqua: I get that you’re strong, but you’re my little brother and I love you and I don’t want to see you lose so much as a sliver of health, because when you hurt I hurt! *puts her hand on Ven’s shoulder* Call me selfish but that’s how it is! I’ll always worry about you, do you not get that?

Ventus: Yeah, I get that. I get that even though we just fought a giant-ass Unversed together and I did the brunt of the work according to the health meters on this particular playthrough, you still think I’m incompetent and have no faith in me whatsoever. Oh yes, I understand perfectly.

Aqua: Good, I’m glad we have that sorted out. *puts on armor and goes into space*

Ventus: …Well at least she didn’t insist on escorting me home. *proceeds to have a flashback of Terra kicking his ass*

Flashback Terra: I can’t believe you’re giving up already, dude. I thought you were so much stronger than that!

Flashback Aqua: …Why am I getting flashbacks to the future that’s not even technically our future?

Flashback Terra: Iunno.

Flashback Aqua: YO VEN! KICK HIS ASS!

Flashback Terra: Oh, thanks ever so much.

Flashback Ventus: Maybe if I didn’t hold my practice sword in such an impractical fashion…Nah, this is fine. *charges at Terra and clearly loses again offscreen*

Flashback Terra: Hey Ven, you know how your practice sword’s nearly busted to shit?

Flashback Aqua: Each splinter nearly flaking off is proving that you’re sucking shit less and less every day!

Flashback Ventus: …You guys’re just bullshitting me, aren’t you.

Flashback Terra: Probably. But I’m telling you, don’t tense up. It’s not about strength or power. You gotta be fluid!

Flashback Ventus: Huh?

Flashback Terra: You have to be like water. You see what I’m saying?

Flashback Ventus: Not even a little.

Flashback Terra: That’s what I thought. *stands up and raises his wooden Keyblade* Ahem. As long as you take hold of a Keyblade at one point in your life, you’ll totally be able to use one someday.

Flashback Aqua: …We know? That’s practically the whole point of this game.

Flashback Terra: *bursts into song*
I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST
LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS!

Flashback Aqua: *joins in*
TO WIELD THEM IS MY REAL TEST!
TO TRAIN UP IS MY CAUSE!

Flashback Terra: Come on, Ven, join in! *hands him wooden Keyblade*

Flashback Ventus: …We will travel across the worlds? Uh, slaying far and wide? *hesitantly puts his hand on wooden Keyblade*

Flashback Terra and Aqua:
EACH STORY LINE THAT WILL UNFURL
THE POWER THAT’S INSIIIIIIIIDE!

Ventus: *stops flashbacking* And then we kind of lost track of what we were talking about and went to play Sun and Moon for hours. *stares at wooden Keyblade* Apparently I’ve been carrying this for the whole game. I guess I kept it up my ass. *starts flipping it around in the air with one hand until he drops it* Ah, balls.

Lea: What’s this thing? *picks up wooden Keyblade*

Horny fans: OH HI LEA!

Lea: I have touched a Keyblade, therefore I have unlocked the potential to use one. Hey, this thing yours?

Isa: Lea, we don’t have time to introduce our characters, we’re gonna be late.

Lea: Aw c’mon, Isa, we gotta appease the fangirls! Everyone else in the Organization’s been shown off!

Isa: Marluxia, Demyx, Larxene…

Lea: Well the ones that people like, at any rate. Anyway, nice toy sword you got here.

Ventus: I get the feeling you’re being facetious.

Lea: Now what gave you that idea? Anyway, check these bad boys out! *pulls out spiked Frisbees*

Ventus: …Those are Frisbees. At least my toy sword is a fucking sword.

Lea (nearly wrote Axel, LOLZ XD): Quiet, you. My name’s Lea. It’s spelled like a girl’s name, but it’s pronounced Lee in the English version in a vain attempt to sound more manly. Got it memorized?

Fangirls: SQUEEEEEE, HE SAID IT!

Ventus: You sound like an uppity asshole.

Lea: Totally intentional. What’s your name?

Ventus: Ventus.

Lea: Cool. Let’s duel.

Ventus: …Why?

Lea: Because I wanna bond with my best friend ten or eleven years before he actually becomes my best friend sort of not really?

Ventus: Well in that case, sure, why not? And I’ll even go easy on you and use this toy Keyblade instead of my real one!

Lea: Oh, who’s all high and mighty now?

Isa: Still you.

Lea: SHUT IT, ISA! *gets defeated offscreen*

Player: …Wait, WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON’T ACTUALLY GET TO FIGHT LEA?!

Lea: …All right, we’ll call it a draw.

Ventus: You make me sad.

Isa: Not as sad as I am to have to associate with this loser.

Lea: Thanks for the encouragement, “friend.”

Isa: Oh, right, sorry, let me try again. Ahem. “You are doing a fine job, Shitlord.”

Lea: Ah, crap baskets. *chillaxes on the ground* I'm gonna need some breakfast soon.

Isa: No, you hate breakfast. And it's two.

Lea: Shut up. *glances at Ventus* Sure hope you make better company than this guy.

Ventus: I look like Roxas and we’re all roughly the same age right now. How fucked up is this shit.

Lea, Isa, and Ventus: *guffaw and have a lovely chortle fest*

Player: HOLY FUCKING SHIT SAÏX IS ACTUALLY LAUGHING AND LOOKS LIKE HE’S IN A GOOD MOOD THIS IS ENTIRELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ME.

Isa: But seriously, we have a thing. We should go do this thing.

Lea: Ah yes, the thing. *gets up*

Ventus: Aw, I wanted to hang more.

Lea: We’ll have nearly a year’s worth of hang-out time soon enough, you’ll see. We’ll eat ice cream every day and it’ll be the bestest year ever with no sads to be found ever. Ever. Ever.

Ventus: I look forward to it. Or part of me will. This is all very confusing.

Lea: Yes it is. *walks away with Isa*

Isa: Sometimes I just don’t understand you.

Lea: It’s really not that difficult. My purpose in this game is to set up the whole memory thing dude guy place. After all, if your entire existence is forgotten by everyone who’s ever known you, it’s like you didn’t even exist in the first place, and I can’t think of anything sadder.

Xion: Yeah, remember that when you can’t remember me, asshat.

Isa: *actual dialogue* I know I won’t forget you. Believe me, I try all the time.

Lea: Why couldn’t you continue to be this awesome.

Isa: Because the plot needed me to be evil.

Lea: Crap baskets. *turns to face the castle* You ready?

Isa: For what?

Lea: I AM STARING AT THIS CASTLE.

Isa: …What, are we joining the castle guard or something? Is that how we got roped into the Organization?

Lea: Pfft, I don’t fucking know.

Ventus: …Are they gone? Can I leave the planet now? *looks skyward* Must be nice, knowing who your friends are. Which…kinda comes the fuck out of nowhere. Considering I understandably think that Terra’s turning evil and I’m doing nothing to stop it and I think that Aqua’s turned into a controlling bitch when she’s just visibly reluctantly following orders. Really, I think I’m the one who’s being a poor friend at this rate…Maybe not trusting Aqua so much anymore could be believed, but why the hell do I mistrust Terra as well now? We just renewed our friendship again before he left! This bullshit’s so fucking stupid and makes no sense!

Frolic Flame: Oh, am I based on Lea knowing fire shit? That’s cool, I can get behind this.

~HOLY BALLS THREE NEW PLANETS ARE AVAILABLE NOW!~

Ventus: Time to get the least fun one out of the way first! The one where you apparently need a ticket in order to visit a fucking planet, so it's likely that this one, at least, knows it's not alone in the universe. *lands in Disney Town* Huh, this place actually seems kinda cute. Not sure that the lopsided architecture would actually hold up but to each their own, I get it’s got an asthetic…

Pete: I’M A SUPERHERO NOW!

Ventus: What were you before?

Pete: Jerk-ass butt monkey. But things are different now! I stand for truth, justice, and the Disney way!

Ventus: The hell does Disney have to do with the truth.

Pete: Captain Justice will vanquish you for that insult!

Ventus: I refuse to call you that.

Pete: Aw, come on! Gimme a chance to help you so I can prove myself to you!

Ventus: I’m kinda just going around trying to make new friends now, I guess. For some reason Terra and Aqua being constantly worried about me means they’re not my friends anymore apparently so I want new ones.

Pete: …Why?

Ventus: Uh, ‘cause bad storytelling.

Pete: Oh, ri—Yeah!

Ventus: But you’re kind of overdoing it so I’m not too sure you fit the bill, sorry.

Pete: That’s fine, who needs friends anyway. Just tell me if you have anything I can actually help you with, and then vote for me in the contest!

Ventus: What contest?

Pete: The being a nice person contest! And that’s me, I’m super nice, willing to help anyone who needs it! No ulterior motives from me!

Player: …Dumb as hell and waaay overdoing it, but…Pete seems like an okay dude in this game. What the hell happened over the past ten years?

Ventus: Hey, mind playing tour guide? I’m new here. Why are the houses so lopsided? And why are there streamers and things everywhere, is there some kind of festival going on?

Pete: There sure is! The Dream Festival’s happening all up in this bitch, which is why I put balloons and shit everywhere! And also there are a bunch of mini-games you can get frustrated by and probably never get the trophies for!

Ventus: …Oh. Fantastic.

Pete: Ain’t it? And remember, Captain Justice is the one who helped you out, got it?

Ventus: Sure, fine, whatever.

Louie: You'd be surprised how much diarrhea fits in a dead man's coffin.

Dewey: I wouldn't.

Huey: ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! NO ICE CREAM FOR ANYONE EVER AGAIN!

Dewey: Like I'm not screaming as hard as you, but like I am in my heart.

Pete: ON IT!

Ventus: Well maybe this place won’t be so bad, I mean I can see Queen Minnie from here, she’s nice.

Disney Town title card: Oh great, the music got an upgrade. Now it’s five times as loud and annoying as fuck. This part’ll be fan-tucking-fastic, I can just tell right now.

Ventus: *dicks around the town killing Unversed and shit and checking out the underground area and doing everything he can without Glide* That huge-ass pinball machine was sick! *cranks up “Pinball Wizard” while playing that section because of course* Okay, level forty’s probably fine, let’s get the mini-games over with I guess. *goes over to talk to Mini and the ducks*

Pete: LOOK I TOTALLY SAVED THAT KID OVER THERE! Sorry, but if you need more saving you’ll have to wait until I help out my friends here!

Minnie: Okay, dude, you don’t actually have to save any of us.

Huey: Yeah, we’re just trying to create our own ice cream so that eleven years from now our great uncle Scrooge can steal it from us like it was his own idea. *muttering* I wanna have him be called Grunkle Scrooge in the new show at least once...

Dewey: …I just realized that we won’t age in eleven fucking years, what the shit, why are we all still ten and why do we suddenly have the voices of fully grown adults in the reboot at ten.

Louie: And apparently because we can’t get this one ice cream idea out of our heads, that means that no one’s gonna get any ice cream because fuck you.

Pete: No! We will let everyone have ice cream! Just tell me what to do!

Huey: Can you figure out how the ice cream machine works? ‘Cause frankly we’re too small to actually reach all the buttons.

Dewey: And we wanted to let Queen Minnie be the first to try it because she’s royalty and King Mickey’s not even here.

Minnie: That’s fine, I’m kind of on a diet anyway.

Louie: …Why.

Pete: I’m way bigger than you, I’ll be able to do the thing no problem! *apparently fails offscreen as there are scoops of ice cream all over the stage he’s apparently aiming at* This thing sucks, why would you aim at a dirty-ass stage when you could produce ice cream in a fucking kitchen where there’s some semblance of hygiene? And furthermore, how does this much ice cream even come out of the machine when I never see anyone pouring anything into it? Maybe if I took it apart to see how it worked—

Minnie: DO IT AND SUFFER MY WRATH!

Huey, Dewey, and Louie: Yeah, quit fucking lying!

Pete: I don't know enough to lie about it! I need tons more knowledge before I can lie!

Ventus: Hey, I know I’m smaller than him but I’m still bigger than you so I could probably control it. Mind if I try?

Pete: NO! If there’s one heroic thing I do all day, please let me try to dissuade you! Trust me, you do not know what you’re about to get into, kid!

Ventus: Aw come on, it’s just some harmless mini-game! How could it possibly hurt me?

Huey: What he said! Now here’s the tutorial for how this mini-game works.

Pete: …Why didn’t you give that to me?

Dewey: It’s like we’re not telling you because we wanna watch you fail.

Pete: Ah.

Louie: So yeah, it’s basically a rhythm game. The machine plays music and you launch scoops of ice cream at whichever one of us is dancing at the time, according to the beat of the music. Got it?

Pete: I hate it when kids hold up something and run around happy. It makes me want to punch them in their fucking face.

Ventus: You're not wrong. Still…How exactly is this gonna create a new ice cream flavor if I’m just, you know, stacking shit.

Minnie: Play the mini-game or I’ll rip your spleen out through your throat.

Ventus: Okay, okay, Jesus!

Music: *starts*

Ventus: …No…No, it can’t be…It just can’t be…

It’s A Small World After All remix: *starts playing*

Ventus: How…How did Yoko Shimamura survive this?! This is agony!

Louie: Aw come on, it’s not that bad! Now follow the beat!

Ventus: *tries desperately to play the mini-game despite the bleeding ears*

Huey: Come on, quit your bitching, that ride is great and you know it!

Ventus: NO IT ISN’T!

Some Jerk With A Camera: The original concept of this ride was to show the various children of the world all singing their respective national anthems, but somehow that didn’t work. So they fixed the problem just like you fix a house on fire by pouring gasoline on it. They hired the Oscar-winning Sherman brothers of Mary Poppins fame to compose…the Song.

Richard M. Sherman: People think it’s a little novelty. It’s a prayer for peace!

Some Jerk With A Camera: A PRAYER FOR PEACE?! You and I BOTH know, for a FACT, that all the greatest and bloodiest wars in human history have been directly caused by that song, and you call it a PRAYER FOR PEACE?!

Dewey: Oh please, the ride was created for a good reason and you know it.

Some Jerk With A Camera: All right, granted, the damn thing was originally built for the charity Unicef which provides aid to needy children around the world, but…all right, fine, I guess you have kind of a point—

Richard M. Sherman: We’re going down the freeway, going back to the studio from where we were, and Walt was driving…

Robert B. Sherman: We said, “Walt, we’d like to donate all the royalties from this song…to the kids.”

Richard M. Sherman: He actually pulled over to the side of the road, slammed the brakes on and said “You’re not gonna give those royalties away!”

Robert B. Sherman: He said, “Don’t be silly. You’re getting a lot of money for this.”

Some Jerk With A Camera: …You’re telling me Walt cared more about his already rich songwriter friends getting paid for this shit WHEN THE ROYALTIES COULD HAVE GONE TO CHILDREN IN NEED?! FUCK! NOW I REALLY HATE THIS GODDAMN RIDE!

Louie: …Okay, you win this round.

Ventus: I like this so little that I cannot even describe my dislike. *finishes under protest* I hope I get disemboweled one day.

Huey: Your ranking is “cool.” Hey, not bad. Wanna try again? Get an even higher stack of ice cream?

Ventus: Why the fuck do you even need it to be this tall.

Huey, Dewey, and Louie: FOR SCIENCE!

Ventus: It’s not science, it’s a measurement.

Dewey: Well that’s science to us.

Ventus: It-It’s just a measurement, man, like—

Louie: That’s science. In science you have to measure things.

Ventus: Your pleasure center is a shit. *shudders* Maybe I’ll try for the trophy/completing my Reports thing whatever at a different time…

Minnie: Okay, my self-control is like nothing so I ate all five-plus meters of that ice cream. I have to go lie down now, but first I wanted to thank you, you old so-and-so.

Ventus: It’s Ventus. Call me Ven.

Player: *takes shot*

Huey: YAY YOU HELPED US DO THE THING.

Louie: Sucks that we’re still too small for this though.

Dewey: And this just really creates quantities of ice cream, anyway. If we really want to change the quality of it, we’re gonna have to rely on outsiders to bring us random ingredients that are dropped by terrifying monsters so we can COME UP WITH A NEW RECIPEH, and then randomly pick one of them to be the super special new ice cream depending on which of the main characters shows up here last.

Pete: …That sounds really stupid and lazy. Still, I agree with you that this machine is basically useless outside of trophies anyway. Time to destroy the shit out of it!

Minnie: Wait! The three mains need to get Fantastic on the master mode of Dessert Dreams if they want a hidden Command Style!

Ventus: Oh, shit, she’s right, don’t do it!

Pete: …Okay, fair enough. See you whenever the other two show up, I guess! *fucks off*

Ventus: …So what the hell’s with that guy, anyway.

Huey: He is, how you say, kind of a dick.

Dewey: He could be actively taking a turn for the better, but I kinda doubt it, he’s probably just going for the Million Dreams Award.

Ventus: Which is?

Minnie: Citizen of the Town award basically.

Ventus: Oh, so a popularity contest.

Minnie: No, it—

Ventus: Yes it is, don’t deny it.

Louie: And frankly the award is just an ice cream cone. That’s literally it, he’s overhyping this shit way too much.

Minnie: It’s purposefully a small token of appreciation. The contest isn’t supposed to be competitive at all, really, and the reward isn’t supposed to mean all that much. It’s people deciding who’s the most altruistic person amongst us.

Ventus: …Yeah, about that…Ever heard of a guy called Immanuel Kant?

Minnie: Heard of him, but what does he have to do with this conversation?

Woolie: You should recall—

Pat: He is a very famous old-timey philosopher man.

Woolie: He’s the guy that says you can never do something that is selfless.

Pat: Never.

Woolie: Everything you do is—

Pat: Altruism is just, uh, is just an inner benefit for your conscience or piece of mind.

Woolie: Exactly. Even if you act nicely on behalf of other people, you’re doing it so that you can feel like a better person.

Pat: What a downer!

Woolie: You can never be nice!

Pat: Never!

Woolie: You literally cannot have nice things!

Huey: …That’s nice and valid and all, but Pete doesn’t care about feeling good inside, he just wants material goods. So even if we were making an argument in favor of altruism it wouldn’t apply to Pete in any case.

Dewey: Gotta give him credit for not putting his own name on the ballot considering he knows for a fact no one would vote for him if he did, at least he’s starting to gain some brain matter.

Louie: Should’ve put himself down as “Deez Nuts,” it would've made his approval rating go up on principle.

Huey and Dewey: You’re shockingly not wrong, we still can’t believe that actually happened.

Ventus: *sees the three brothers laughing and starts singing quietly to himself*
I’m all alone
All by myself
There is no one here beside me
I’m all alone
Quite all alone
No one to comfort me or guide me
Why is there no one here with me
On the long and winding road
To lift my heavy load
If there was someone here with me
How happy I would be
But I’m alone
So all alone
All by myself
I’m all alone

Minnie: This sudden character de-motivation still doesn’t make any fucking sense whatsoever.

Ventus: Which is why it’s only the second saddest game in the series because this one’s easier to poke holes in.

Minnie: This is true.

~…Holy shit I’m already done with Disney Town how does that even work.~

Chapter Text

~And now to the planet that is no tougher than Disney Town.~

Olympus Coliseum Title Card: Of course you’re at the Olympus Coliseum, Mt. Olympus is right the shit over there! Where apparently anyone can climb it and chill, huh, weird…

Ventus: Am I heading toward Thebes, what’s going on here.

Phil: I dunno, I gotta run.

Ventus: …That certainly is a...person, I guess...

Phil: Okay, now to actually relax for five fucking seconds…

Ventus: Why would you want to do that?

Phil: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I AIN’T TRAINING ANYONE ELSE! I DON’T CARE WHO SHOWS UP AND HAPPENS TO BEAR AN EERIE RESEMBLANCE TO YOU!

Ventus: …That was oddly specific—

Phil: NO IT WASN’T! And who in Halicarnassus are you?!

Ventus: *Googles Halicarnassus* Well I learned something new today.

Phil: Beat it already!

Hercules: PHIL! SINCE THIS IS A PREQUEL I’M HOWEVER OLD I WAS WHEN WE FIRST MET I GUESS! *runs up to them*

Phil: Dude why you gotta be so loud.

Zack: FOUND YA!

Phil: That’s why I didn’t want you to be so loud.

Zack: Okay so are you gonna admit you’re the bestest hero trainer ever now or what?

Hercules: Of course he is, why wouldn’t he be?

Ventus: Huh. Neat.

Zack: Exactly, which is why he’s gonna take me on as a student!

Phil: Look, we’ve been through this. I don’t care if this is technically the start of it, I’m sick of Final Fantasy characters fucking around with my shit, I don’t care if they’re only sending some of the best the series has to offer! By that logic Lightning’ll be in KHIII!

Ventus: No she won’t, she is so not the best.

Phil: Tell that to Motomu Toriyama, we already know she’s gonna be in the game somehow.

Ventus: Ah shit, you’re right.

Phil: And besides, I got two words for ya: Zeus didn’t strike me with lightning when I denied you, therefore you ain’t worth my time.

Ventus: Sixteen?

Phil: I was trying to do the math in my head and I was like oh wait I suck at it. C’mon, Herc, let’s get outta here.

Zack: Aw come on! I need to join SOLDIER somehow!

Phil: I don’t even know what that is — Shit, monsters!

Ventus: Where do these guys keep coming from?! *draws Keyblade and runs forward*

Zack: Alright, murder time!

Hercules: Why don’t I have a sword yet.

Phil: ‘Cause it’s more personal if you punch ‘em to death.

Zack: Phil! Watch me, Phil!

Hercules: Phil, don’t watch him, Phil!

Ventus: Oh forget you guys. *slaughters all of the respawning Unversed* I don’t like the guys I can’t attack head-on.

Zack: Somehow there are three more. One for each of us, I guess.

Hercules: I need to work on my clumsiness, it does not pair well with superhuman strength.

Phil: …Okay, fine, I’ll watch the games and train whoever wins, no matter how much that fucks with the movie’s or indeed Greek mythology’s canon.

Ventus: Right, because the movie didn’t fuck with Greek mythology’s canon enough.

Phil: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ventus: Of course you don’t.

Zack: All right, cool, that’ll be fun for me. Just let me put my name down and I’ll be right back!

Ventus: That a tournament-style thing? Could be good to get some more experience in, who knows how hard the last few fights’ll be on Critical.

Phil: Yeah, except you can’t since that kid just filled up the last spot on the roster.

Ventus: Ah spit.

Hercules: …So you’re just up and ditching me, huh?

Phil: Keep your toga on, pal, just think of this as an opportunity to show off everything I’ve taught you so far and we’ll see if it paid off, all right?

Hercules: …Phil? No one likes backstabs. Those’re lame.

Phil: I’m also not training you for a while either, wouldn’t be fair to the other guy I’m not even gonna consider. *leaves*

Hercules: And fuck you too.

Ventus: I’ll help you train if you want! Name’s Ventus.

Player: *fills shot glass*

Hercules: Yeah? Cool! I’m Hercules!

Ventus: …Don’t you mean Heracles?

Hercules: What do you mean?

Ventus: I-I mean that you…kinda look cross-eyed when rendered in three dimensions, sorry, bro.

Hercules: No prob, I get that a lot actually. Oh, you can call me Herc if you like.

Ventus: And you can call me Ven!

Player: *takes shot*

Ventus: You don’t have any anxiety issues, do you?

Hercules: I’m a little shy but once I get into a groove I’m pretty okay.

Ventus: Good, then me telling you that you’ll be fine won’t stress you out further.

Hercules: Nope! Anyway, I’m gonna go climb that mountain over there. See you at the top!

Ventus: Uh, okay? *spends a large amount of time hopping between the only two areas that have monsters in them in order to gain a few levels before finding Herc in the vestibule* So what’re we doing?

Hercules: The mini-game that Terra and Aqua won’t be aware of unless they both decide to revisit the world for no reason and happen to see that I’m staring at them expectantly!

Ventus: …Which is?

Hercules: You smash more pots and gain more points than me, you win.

Ventus: Okay, that sounds easy. *wins super easily* Hey, I won super easily. Also Phil’s watching.

Phil: No I’m not! *walks away*

Hercules: Sorry, I was still punching through pots, what were you saying?

Ventus: Nothing, I was just wondering what we’re supposed to do next.

Hercules: More pot smashing but with barrels.

Ventus: *wins again*

Hercules: …Well shit.

Ventus: So why do you want to become a hero?

Hercules: Not just any hero, but a true hero.

Ventus: Hmm. Okay, obviously there’s some kind of distinction for you.

Hercules: See, I’m kind of a demi-god.

Ventus: Yeah, you’re father’s Zeus.

Hercules: And my mother’s Hera, and I was stolen from them when I was a baby and turned mortal.

Ventus: …I heard that you were always mortal, and your father liked to sleep around with mortals and one of them was your mother, so you have godlike strength but you’re still mortal. Also I heard your name was Heracles so Hera would be less pissed at Zeus.

Hercules: Well you heard wrong.

Ventus: I know, it had no effect whatsoever—

Hercules: No, I mean my version’s right.

Ventus: It’s really not but just continue or we’ll be here for the next ten or eleven years or so.

Hercules: Okay, so if I become a true hero, I’ll be able to become a god and return to Olympus.

Ventus: …Which is where we are right now.

Hercules: True, but we’re not chilling with the gods or anything, we’re kind of just…on the mountain.

Ventus: Ah.

Hercules: So what’s your story? Why are you here?

Ventus: Making new friends hopefully. My old ones…It’s a long, convoluted story and my motives make no real sense.

Hercules: Well you made one new friend at any rate, despite the lies you’re trying to spread about my family.

Ventus: Hey, I’m just going off what I heard. Shit gets changed in retellings all the time.

Hercules: Fair enough.

Zack: I still exist.

Hercules, Ventus, and Zack fans: Oh, we know.

Phil: Okay, so the two of you are starting on opposite sides of the tournament. Murder everything in your path until both of you get to the final for this particular tournament. And if you do well there, you can fight the winner of the last tournament. Whoever beats him, I’ll train.

Zack: Works for me, I’d love to fight that guy again.

Hercules: S-Sure. *follows Zack into the coliseum*

Ventus: Wonder if I’ll eventually have to fight the previous winner as my boss fight for this level.

Hercules: Ven, you watching or not?

Ventus: Only if I actually get to watch you guys fight and you don’t just throw screenshots at me — OH COME ON!

Hercules: *about to start the finals* The worst part about snow globes is that once you shatter them over someone’s face, you can’t put them back together.

Phil: This is true.

Hercules: Wait, why am I even talking to you right now.

Ventus: No idea, but conglaturations on making it this far, bro!

Hercules: Thanks, and thanks for training with me!

Phil: See, you don’t need me after all.

Hercules: It’s only because you wouldn’t train me at all! I know I’d actually be doing way better if you’d been training me instead!

Phil: You’re damn right. *leaves*

Zack: *runs up* Whoever wins, the loser can’t be a huge pussy and cry about it. *holds out his hand*

Hercules: Only on the inside. *happily accepts handshake*

Zack: That’s the spirit!

Hercules: Looks like we’re friends now too!

Zack: Excellent! Let’s murder each other! *starts fighting Hercules*

Ventus: A dude with a sword and a dude who just punches and both are just dodging. THE HYPEST GAMES ON OLYMPUS.

Terra and Aqua: YEAH DOESN’T IT LOOK LIKE A MATCH BETWEEN US?!

Phil: Stop hallucinating and come save the townspeople that don’t exist! Or at least stop the monsters from interfering with the games, that’s more important anyway, really.

Hercules: Somehow I’m baffled by the thought of monsters existing even though I was just fighting them with you guys both outside and in the ring not even five minutes ago!

Zack: So, should we go and fight them, or…?

Ventus: Leave the monsters that are destroying crap and killing people to me! This match of two teenage boys competing over who’s gonna be taught by a goat-man is way more important that saving lives and keeping the peace! *runs outside* Okay, I should definitely save before I go and fight what I know is gonna be a tremendously hard boss fight, I mean who knows what Titan’s gonna be waiting for me when I get there…

Town near Thebes: *only has five million Jellyshades*

Ventus (nearly typed Roxas again, that hasn’t happened in a while): …Jesus, at least more Buckle Bruisers would’ve been a challenge. I mean sure there are a lot of ‘em but I can tell they’re all really weak and even if they gang up on me I have so many Curagas plus Leaf Bracer so who even gives a shit.

Hercules: THERE’S NO WAY YOU CAN FIGHT THEM ALL WITHOUT ME!

Ventus: …Dude, you have no idea how much I got this. You literally just forfeited for no reason.

Hercules: Don’t care, friends watch each others’ backs.

Ventus: …Eh, it’s true—

Hercules: And this is definitely gonna net me some hero points!

Ventus: …There really is no such thing as altruism, is there. *starts killing shit*

Hercules: Want me to spin you around and launch you at dudes?

Ventus: Sure, that sounds fine. *does the thing and they eventually murder everything in sight* So, now that you’ve lost your teacher forever and watched me TOTALLY LEARN AIR SLIDE, what are you gonna do next?!

Hercules: Iunno, move to Sparta?

Ventus: Ah shit, we missed a singular Jellyshade even though the game said we beat them all. Oh well, even if it hits Herc it won’t do that much damage—

Zack: SMACK ATTACK!

Ventus: …Or.

Zack: WHY DIDN’T I GET TO KILL ANY?!

Hercules: You mean like the one you just totally killed?

Zack: I wanted to help out the townspeople too, but I am not fast.

Ventus: So did Zack win because Herc quit first or did you both quit and there’s no winner, only losers?

Hercules: I quit first—

Zack: There are only losers—

Hercules and Zack: No I’m right you’re wrong QUIT COPYING ME I SAID STOP IT!

Phil: Both of ya shaddup, I’m training Herc ‘cause he did in fact leave first in order to help people. Sure, being strong helps with the helping of the people, but you gotta want to help people more than anything else in order to actually be seen as a hero.

Ventus: So I’m more of a hero than either of you because I did it without even trying or caring. Awesome.

Zack: Ah, fuck nuggets. Oh well, I can always try somewhere else. *takes off helmet and we get treated to a glorious shot of his face* Conglaturations on your overall victory, Herc!

Hercules: …I’m sorry, I got lost in your eyes for a second there, you say something?

Phil: C’mon, kid, concentrate. You got a whole training montage song to get through before we can properly start the movie, ya know?

Zack: *predictably starts doing squats* Don’t count me out just yet! I still have to be a part of one of the most out-of-left-field video game plot twists of all time, you know!

Ventus: …You were always gonna keep training Herc, weren’t ya.

Phil: Kid, I got two words for ya: Motivation.

Ventus: Ah.

Phil: And I’m glad Herc met ya, Ventus. He probably wouldn’t have been able to get outta this rut he was in if he didn’t have someone to smash pots with apparently. I’ll definitely remember your face, kid.

Ventus: Hey, no problem, man. And I’ve learned that friends share things with each other. Like ice cream, and laughter. And I have no idea why I want to cry after saying that, but hey. Me, Terra, and Aqua will make things right between us, I’ve randomly decided after not having much reason to stop being friends with them in the first place. *turns to go*

Hercules: You’re leaving?

Ventus: Yeah, I’ve still got three more planets and then the end-game.

Hercules: But you’ll come back occasionally, right?

Ventus: On the off-chance I didn’t get enough ice cream ingredients, in which case maybe.

Zack: This is literally the last time that you as a person are gonna see me hanging around outside of maybe a Mirage Arena level or something, I forget. *does squats again* So drink me in while you still can.

Ventus: …I was into Naruto before I was into Final Fantasy. I’m sorry, bro, I can’t get the fact that you have Sasuke hair out of my head.

Zack: SASUKE STOLE HIS HAIR FROM ME, ASSHAT! *tackles Ventus to the ground and beats the shit out of him while Herc and Phil point and laugh* You’re welcome for the D-Link, by the way.

Ventus: *coughs up blood* Yeah…great… I appreciate you. You are my new friend. For this you will be brutally murdered on-camera.

Mark of a Hero: …He bonded more with Herc than with Zack, so why does Zack get the D-Link? I’m not complaining, I’m just wondering.

~So I was minutes away from buying a giant, half-my-size Stitch plushie down in Orlando, but the Hufflepuff robes and Sirius Black wand replica were higher priorities at the time.~

Ventus: *recovers from his broken ribs and slashed organs out in space* Awright, time to hit up a new planet! *goes to Deep Space* Why am I still in space. Is it because I’m in Deep Space? And now I’m just heading towards a bright light for some reason. Which an Unversed is coming out of, great.

Metamorphosis: Did you know that space is ninety percent asteroids? *punches Ven in the face as it passes*

Ventus: Okay, fuck whichever planet this is supposed to be, you’re going DOWN! *bashes Metamorphosis over and over again with his space hover board, which apparently works since it’s actually his Keyblade. Hey, wouldn’t it be wacky if all three main characters’ armor changed as their Keyblades changed? You know, for a little costume change now and again? Or is it just me who wants it?*

Metamorphosis: *eventually gets bored and goes off to the Prison Transport Durgon*

Ventus: Damn it, your health bar was all the way down, why aren’t you dead?! *flies after it*

Deep Space title card: Wait, how did he just get inside the ship?

Ventus: Yeah, take that, space.

Captain Gantu: *talking to Experiment 626 who’s locked up and upside down with two massive guns pointed at his face* Uncomfortable? Aww. Good. The council has banished you to exile on a desert asteroid, so relax! Enjoy the trip! And don’t get any ideas. These guns are locked onto your genetic signature. They won’t shoot anyone but you. *pokes Experiment 626 in the face*

Experiment 626: *bites him*

Captain Gantu: Ow! Why you… *shoves his gun in Experiment 626’s face*

Alarm: *starts going off*

Captain Gantu: Ah, right at the best part. I have to go deal with this intruder. Now don’t go anywhere.

Experiment 626: *growls at him*

Captain Gantu: Feh, whatever. *runs off*

Experiment 626: *figures out that the guns’ll follow his saliva and spits at the wall, forcing the guns to shoot a hole in it, then jumps out and dodges his way to the hole*

Ventus: *stares at transporter* Why are the transporters only busted in my section but Terra and Aqua can go from here to the prison cell whenever they want.

Captain Gantu: Don’t know, don’t care, now who the frell are you and how did you get onto my ship.

Ventus: You are tall, sir.

Captain Gantu: I am well aware of this, now answer my questions.

Ventus: Ventus, through that door over there presumably, and I was chasing a monster that came through here.

Captain Gantu: Bull.

Ventus: No, roast beef, but I haven’t got it quite right yet.

Captain Gantu: I am still disbelief. We only detected the one intruder—

Random voice over the intercom: INTRUDER IN THE MACHINERY BAY! WE’VE LOST CONTROL OF THE ENGINES WHICH IS WHY THE FLIGHT WILL CONTINUE TO BE COMPLETELY SMOOTH THROUGHOUT THE REST OF OUR TIME HERE! STILL, LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND OF MONSTER IS CAUSING THE DAMAGE, AND NOT THE ONE WE JUST LOCKED UP! SPEAKING OF, WE SHOULD’VE REALIZED IT ESCAPED BY NOW BUT FOR SOME REASON WE HAVEN’T YET! WE’RE JUST NOT VERY GOOD AT OUR JOBS!

Captain Gantu: I hate everything. You stay here, I have to water board you later. *leaves*

Ventus: …Okay, now to leave before he gets back, and also kill that monster—

Experiment 626: *jumps down*

Ventus: …Well you’re ungodly adorable.

Experiment 626: Ven? Terra…Akoo-wa…

Ventus: You know Terra and Aqua?! Did I come to a planet last this time?!

Experiment 626: *pulls out hand-made Wayfinder* Fren…Circle.

Ventus: Wow, when’d you find the time to make that and where’ve you been hiding it all this time, that outfit does not look like it has pockets.

Prison Ship Durgon: *shakes violently*

Random voice over the intercom: WE’RE GONNA ASPLOAD! FINE BY ME, I NEVER LIKED ANY OF YOU ANYWAY!

Ventus: Shit, there’s no time now except I can take all the time I want if I want to level up or dick around collecting treasures and the like!

Experiment 626: *tries to follow after him*

Ventus: Look, little one, I don’t know your backstory and I don’t recognize your outfit as prison gear. I don’t want to see your adorableness getting hurt, okay? *runs off*

Experiment 626: *whimpers but stays where he is aside from the fact that if Ven goes back into that area he’s completely vanished*

Ventus: *fights his way through the ship’s corridor, unlocking gate after gate as he goes* Okay, looks like I made it through to the other side…

Experiment 626: *meanwhile apparently is still in the same area because sure why not, staring at his home-made Wayfinder*

Captain Gantu: *destroys the frell out of it*

Experiment 626: *gasps and stares down at the broken pieces*

Captain Gantu: I don’t know how you got out, but we’re gonna put you right back where you were and somehow expect you to not escape again. And for some reason I expect the Grand Councilwoman to go soft on you even though she already set out a pretty harsh punishment. Frankly I think we should just kill you, since you’re just an alien-made weapon, an anomaly against nature, whose only purpose is to maim and destroy.

Experiment 626: *growls fiercely, but doesn’t immediately go for Gantu’s gun*

Ventus: YAY A SAVE POINT. Time to go back and forth and level up forever! *goes back and forth and gets up to about forty or so* Damn it’s taking longer and longer to do that. *heads into the next area* HOLY SHIT I CAN ADJUST GRAVITY I NEVER KNEW I COULD JUMP THIS HIGH but I can’t get treasure chests this way, damn. *fiddles with the gravity controls until he clears the room and makes his way to the top of it* Hey cool, another weird gravity room. Why’s it only in these two rooms on the whole ship, I wonder. Also why is this one spaceship bigger than the entirety of Olympus. Also also why are those guns firing at my face. *makes his way through the save point and into the Engine Room*

Metamorphosis: *…is kind of just floating around and not really crashing into anything, just kind of minding its own business…*

Ventus: I MUST DESTROY EVERYTHING I SEE!

Experiment 626: *crashes through the wall and stops, ready to fight, beside Ventus*

Ventus: Dude, I know you just crashed through a wall, but I don’t think you can take this guy.

Experiment 626: *indecipherable babble*

Ventus: …Okay, guess you’re fighting with me, then.

Experiment 626: *apparently did indeed acquire a gun somewhere and shoots while Ventus slashes*

Metamorphosis: *occasionally attaches itself to the engine and tries to drain its energy*

Ventus: *throws Experiment 626 at it whenever this happens and manages to dislodge it*

Metamorphosis: *is eventually defeated*

Experiment 626: *is still shouting at nothing once it’s dead*

Ventus: Hey, calm down there, little buddy… *tries to put his hands on Experiment 626’s shoulders to calm him down*

Experiment 626: *throws him off like he’s made of paper*

Ventus: …Ow?!

Experiment 626: *finally tires himself out*

Ventus: …Okay, what happened.

Experiment 626: *shows him the broken pieces of the Wayfinder and whimpers*

Ventus: Ah. That is indeed an appropriate response. But still, friendship’s more than just an object. It can’t be broken so easily.

Experiment 626: Fren…ship…cir…cle?

Ventus: I don’t know the context but yes!

Captain Gantu: Why are you talking to that freak of nature as if it’s a person? All it knows is violence.

Ventus: …You’re a giant fish thing with a gun and a trigger finger. Also he helped me stop the thing that was actually destroying your ship.

Captain Gantu: Because it likes to destroy things, even other destroyers of things!

Experiment 626: Ven, fren!

Ventus: He’s right, we’re friends now! It rhymes so it's true!

Captain Gantu: My orders were to exile it, but frell it, I’m killing it. Abomination.

Experiment 626: Stupid-head. *jumps at Gantu’s face and knocks him over, screaming gibberish at him before running off with Ven*

Captain Gantu: Frell! Someone on this ship stop those guys! I know we have plenty of officers on board besides the one announcer so where the frell are you drenlords?!

Experiment 626: WOOOOOOOO HAAAAAAAAA!*stole the red space police cruiser*

Ventus: This is kind of fun, isn’t it? *still has his space hover board*

Both: *are dodging space bullets out in space*

Experiment 626: *motions Ventus to come closer*

Ventus: ‘Sup, nerd?

Experiment 626: *pulls on a lever that he found*

Automated voice: Hyperdrive activated. System charging.

Ventus: Huh, well that’s a way to get out. Maybe I’ll see you on another planet eventually?

Automated voice: Warning. Guidance is not functional.

Ventus: Or maybe not…

Automated voice: Navigation failure. Do not engage—

Experiment 626: *shoves the lever back in*

Surrounding police: Break formation! Get clear! *all police cruisers suddenly get off their tail*

Ventus: Wait, there were others? Also this is gonna be bad, isn’t it?

Experiment 626: Meega jaji baba!

Red space police cruiser: *sends out shockwave when hyperdrive activates*

Experiment 626: Ven! *blasts off again* Twinkle.

Ventus: Shit, my space hoverboard that is also my Keyblade! Come back to me!

Experiment 626: Ven! D-Link!

Ventus: Nice!

Hyperdrive: …This is a weird fucking looking Keyblade, isn’t it?

~…WELP, HOPEFULLY IT WON’T TAKE HIM ELEVEN YEARS TO LAND THAT THING!~

Chapter Text

~AWRIGHT, TIME FOR THE LAST PLANET THIS SHIT HAS TO OFFER!~

Tinker Bell: *flying around for no reason*

Mickey: *flying around on his Star Shard for no reason*

Tinker Bell: *flies after him, but not before she gives everyone a nice upskirt panty shot*

Neverland title card: Stay classy, Disney.

Mickey: I appear to have landed in the…Indian Camp, fuck, please don’t be horribly racist, please don’t be horribly racist, please don’t be horribly racist…

Dark Corridor: *opens*

Mickey: …Why isn’t anyone coming out of there.

Vanitas: Because I’m about to go in there.

Ventus: Did I just dream that up or did that happen simultaneously.

Slightly: Tinker Bell? He dead?

Cubby: Did we just find a dead body? AWESOME!

Slightly: Why does this dead body smell like human urine? Instead of the animal urine I so crave?

Cubby: W-What?! *laughs*

Slightly: I don't know!

Ventus: Why am I so out of it, I should’ve just landed normally.

Slightly: Tink, kick him in the face!

Tinker Bell: *kicks him in the face*

Ventus: …Ow?!

Slightly: Who’re you?

Ventus: Name’s Ventus, and I can’t wait until I can get to that treasure chest that’s right behind me over there. But everybody just calls me Ven. Usually because I force them to with violence.

Player: *takes shot*

Ventus: Ohhhh, I took a nap just now, that’s right! Apparently!

Cubby: So where’d you come from and how’d you get there? Did you fall out of your carriage as well?

Ventus: …Yes…?

Cubby: Oh, okay then.

Tinker Bell: *flies over to Slightly and pulls on one of his fox ears*

Slightly: Okay, fine, whatever!

Cubby: Later, I guess!

Ventus: Wait, I have a question! How did you find a fox big enough for that outfit and also did you slaughter a baby bear cub for its fur.

Slightly: Oh, the fox we found had a growth mutation!

Cubby: And we ate what was inside the bear first! The fox, too!

Ventus: Okay, that answers that. So where’re you very tiny children going without any supervision, anyway?

Cubby: Tink saw a shooting star and we’re gonna go on a fetch quest to find it!

Ventus: That…actually sounds like a refreshing change of pace. Mind if I tag along?

Slightly: No, we don’t mind, but you have to do whatever we tell you to do!

Cubby: It’s over by the most offensive part of the movie! Thankfully all those characters were cut from the game — I mean sure it cuts down on representation but on the other hand the representation itself was handled appallingly in the first place — but the fact that we still call it the Indian Camp still probably throws people off in not the greatest of ways.

Slightly: A planet without racism is barely a planet at all.

Cubby: How can you even evolve if you can’t hate.

Ventus: You two have very good vocabularies for your age.

Slightly: It comes with having nothing better to do around here besides explore the place we already know like the backs of our hands. OKEY DOKEY, LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD! *leads the way*

Ventus: …Well at least those three vanished so they won’t be hurt when HOARDS AND HOARDS OF UNVERSED SHOW UP. *explores the shit out of everything and slaughters the shit out of everything and grabs every chest and sticker he sees and everything and stuff and junk and shit until he gets to the place where that tree that’s Peter Pan’s house is* HOW DID YOU GUYS GET BACK HERE.

Slightly: …We never left.

Cubby: Yeah, we’ve been here the whole time!

Ventus: NO YOU WEREN’T, I WOULD’VE NOTICED.

Tinker Bell: *shakes head sadly*

Peter Pan: *is singing off into the distance*
I've gotta crow! *crows*
I'm just the cleverest fellow
'Twas ever my fortune to know *crows*
I taught a trick to my shadow
To stick to the tip of my toe
I've gotta crow!

Slightly and Cubby: Hey, Pete!

Peter Pan: And who’s the new guy?

Ventus: I’m Ventus and your flying doesn’t phase me in the slightest apparently. Anyway, call me Ven.

Player: *takes shot*

Peter Pan: Sure, fine, whatever. Salute, men!

Slightly and Cubby: HEIL PETER!

Peter Pan: Yes, yes, heil me. Now who wants to get some booty?

Ventus: …Um, aren’t these two a little young for that?

Peter Pan: Too young for gold and jewels and things?

Ventus: Oh that kind of booty, okay!

Peter Pan: Well what other kind is there?

Ventus: *glances at Tink* N-Never mind*

Tinker Bell: *shrugs*

Cubby: For some reason I’m under the delusion that gathering pirate treasure is new for us.

Slightly: I’m down.

Ventus: But I already raided every treasure chest I came across and according to my psychic journal that I don’t know how it keeps getting filled in since I’m certainly not writing in it I don’t have that many left—

Peter Pan: So I saw Captain Hook with this humongous treasure chest that has nothing to do with item gathering and everything to do with the plot of this section. Wanna grab it or whatever?

Cubby: Sure, not much of anything better to do around here anyway.

Slightly: The kids who come here a decade from now sure will be confused when they realize there’s no Wi-Fi here and will want to go back immediately despite the supposed immortality/eternal youth thing.

Ventus: The what now?

Slightly: Nothing!

Tinker Bell: *kicks both of the kids in the face*

Peter Pan: What’s with all the physical abuse, Tink? You know that’s my job!

Ventus: There’s a shooting star that she was leading us to. I think she wants to focus on that first.

Peter Pan: But that’s new and exciting! I’d much rather enjoy the comfort of the old and familiar where nothing ever changes! Come on, Tink, whaddaya say!

Tinker Bell: *twinkles and flies away*

Peter Pan: Would you stop calling me a silly ass already?! Ven, you wanna do the fun thing we know is fun, right?

Ventus: Nah, this whole game started with a meteor shower, I much prefer shooting stars over random treasure chests of which I already found plenty. *leaves*

Peter Pan: …What a pisser. *flies off with Slightly and Cubby trailing after him on foot*

Ventus: *looks up at the tree house type thing* ...That's a noose, right? They're gonna hang somebody. Someone's coming here to die. *goes into Peter’s tree house real quick* Wha…They already have treasure, what do they need more of it for?! Also what’s a Moogle doing here. Eh, time to raid their house I guess. *steals everything before making his way to the Indian Camp* Eurgh, every time I even type that I want to throw up in my mouth a little…Oh, there you are, Tink, good of you to show up again.

Tinker Bell: *nods cordially*

Ventus: Now let’s see, what do we have…Mickey’s Star Shard? That was the shooting star?

Tinker Bell: *flies toward it*

Ventus: I’m just gonna run forward a couple of steps…

Captain Hook: IN JUST THOSE FEW MILLISECONDS I MANAGED TO GET ME HOOK AND ME HAND ON BOTH THE FAIRY AND THIS HUNK OF MAGIC PLASTIC.

Ventus: …How.

Captain Hook: Iunno. Maybe you just suck that badly.

Ventus: …Well Mickey doesn’t seem to be here so I’m gonna focus on the living first. Let Tinker Bell go!

Captain Hook: Nope! See you at Mermaid Lagoon for the most annoying part of this level!

Ventus: Or we could just have our boss fight right here and right now!

Unversed: Or you could hold off a little longer.

Ventus: Balls. *defeats them all and runs out of the Indian Camp* Aaaand now I feel like shit. *looks past that palm tree and has a flashback*

Flashback Ventus: Do you ever wonder what stars are? Where light comes from?

Flashback Aqua: Ven, I don’t wonder, I know.

Flashback Ventus: Oh. What are they?

Flashback Aqua: They’re fireflies. Fireflies that got stuck up in that big bluish black thing.

Flashback Ventus: Oh…Gee…I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away.

Flashback Aqua: Ventus, with you, everything’s gas.

Flashback Ventus, Aqua, and Terra: LET US NOW LAUGH AWKWARDLY.

Fashback starry sky: …Hi. I exist.

Peter Pan: STOP FLASHBACKING! *flies down next to Ven*

Ventus: Sorry, I was only flashbacking because I fucked up and now Hook has Tink.

Peter Pan: Well that sucks.

Ventus: He said the real level gimmick’s gonna be at Mermaid Lagoon, which I remember had the one area I couldn’t go before besides the other area that I’m still never going to be allowed to go to because I psychically know there’s nothing plot-related for me down that way.

Peter Pan: Okay, let’s fly off and save her!

Ventus: …Dude I can’t fly. I mean I can, this weapon I’m holding can turn into a flying space hover board that can actually go pretty fast, but I don’t want to use it for some reason.

Peter Pan: Do you think you can keep up on foot?

Ventus: Nope, you’ll be way far ahead out of my sight but by the time the next cutscene happens I’ll automatically be right behind you! *runs after the flying Pan* By the way, why do you have pointy ears? I thought you were a normal human, are you giving into the darkness?

Peter Pan: If you watched Once Upon A Time I did.

Ventus: Yeah, that was weird. *follows Peter to the Mermaid Lagoon*

Smee: And here…we…go. Load the cannons and never stop firing at nearly the entire island for the rest of this fucking game! *plugs ears*

Cannons: *start firing from the Jolly Roger*

Ventus: Okay, when’s it starting.

Peter Pan: Right behind us. *winces from the explosion behind them*

Ventus: *draws Hyperdrive* Dayum it’s lucky they have shit aim.

Peter Pan: Yeah, too bad we can’t actually fly and/or swim over to the ship, fight some pirates, and sabotage the cannons. That would just make sense. *dodges another cannonball*

Tinker Bell: *flies over to them*

Peter Pan: …Did Terra just release you, or…?

Tinker Bell: *nods vigorously*

Peter Pan: Wow, straight-up? Ven, I gotta handle this.

Ventus: Fine by me, I’ll go have a boss fight with Hook in a location that’s eerily close to where you’ll be going.

Peter Pan: Hold up, I have a present for ya. Tink, would you mind?

Tinker Bell: *sprays pixie dust all over Ventus*

Ventus: … *tilts head* Okay…?

Peter Pan: Try using Glide now. It’s not as good as actually being able to fly like every other time she does that but it doesn’t suck. *flies off as if to demonstrate, taking Tink with him*

Ventus: … *heads back to the nearest save point and gets every item and sticker and whatever else he couldn’t get before he had Glide, including the chest that contains Superglide in Disney Town* HOLY FUCK EVERYTHING IS SO MUCH EASIER AND GLORIOUS NOW except I’ll hardly ever use EXP Walker again because Gliding is just more fun. *goes back to Neverland and heads directly for the boss fight*

Captain Hook: *taps foot impatiently* …So did I actually hit him with cannon fire or what? Hmm, maybe I should go and actively look for a body before gloating over what may well be a nonexistent kill…

Ventus: Yeah he’s not dead, I was just talking to him two seconds ago. And by that I mean like a good hour or so, heh.

Captain Hook: Swoggle me eyes!

Ventus: … *goes on Urban Dictionary* …You want me to T-bag your eyes but make sure my balls are really sweaty first? ‘Cause the most popular definition of swoggle that doesn’t involve just saying someone’s really ugly is that it’s a “mix of suck, swallow and gargle; used to represent violent dick sucking, while slobbering all over oneself, and the person being sucked off.” And that doesn’t really apply to the eyeballs so I can only assume you meant the one that makes more sense.

Captain Hook: …Jesus Christ no, I’m just saying I’m surprised to see you here.

Ventus: …Then just say that.

Captain Hook: No.

Ventus: You might want to from now on, though.

Captain Hook: I would but I’m liable to forget in the next decade or so. Hang on, I need to check something. *takes out spy glass and checks on the Jolly Roger where Pan is looming over Smee and beating his chest* …Well fuck. Oh well, the cannons are still gonna keep firing over the rest of your and Aqua’s sections anyway. *jumps to the middle island thing in the water* So…wanna fight or something? *draws sword*

Ventus: Sure, why not, I could kill a wanna-be child murderer.

Captain Hook: Maybe one out of a hundred children are not worth murdering, a quote that I thought I would want to take back. But then didn’t.

Ventus: Go. Eat. A boat.

Ticking: *is heard*

Captain Hook: Shouldn’t you’ve digested that by now?! *sees the Crocodile behind him and panicks*

Ventus: Well at least that thing being around means that you'll be in a constant state of backdown. Awright, now to pounce on you when you’re at your most vulnerable!

Captain Hook: …You’re kind of a dick, you know that? *throws a bunch of exploding presents at Ven’s face*

Ventus: *dodges all of them in favor of bashing Hook to death*

Captain Hook: *falls off the island thing and lands in the water*

Crocodile: Shootin' my love juice in your butt-butt. *bites him in the butt-butt*

Captain Hook: AUGH MY BUTT-BUTT.

Ventus: Please let the love juice mean saliva. *repeats this cycle until Hook is the dead*

Captain Hook: *is not actually the dead but does fall into the water for a longer period of time and then suddenly becomes the next incarnation of Jesus Christ when he runs away from the crocodile on top of the water*

Cubby: Yo! The Terra subplot just finished on our end!

Slightly: Yeah, you two were actually on the island at roughly the same time, only he was in the Skull Mountain thing whatever the whole time you were here apparently! Also we found a huge pirate chest.

Ventus: *waits for them and Pan to reach him* Peter, why do you and I get to fly/sort of fly and these two don’t?

Peter Pan: Shush, now check out this awesome chest that can probably fit both the lost boys in it! *opens it* …This was just filled with treasure, what the shit.

Cubby: Spilled out during the boat ride we just took.

Ventus: Well that sucks.

Peter Pan: Dude, you have no idea how little we need currency on this island.

Slightly: So let’s put in what we treasure instead!

Peter Pan: Indeed, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL!

Cubby: Okay so here’s a bunch of wooden swords, a couple of crossbows and bolts, and some rocks.

Peter Pan: Ven, what’s your contribution?

Ventus: …This giant wooden Keyblade I keep shoved up my ass?

Peter Pan: I am honestly surprised you were never able to equip that.

Ventus: As am I.

Peter Pan: You sure you want to keep that locked up for the next eleven years, though?

Ventus: Hey, it’s not like I’m leaving my Wayfinder behind, and you have no idea how much my ass has been hurting from lugging this thing around. Honestly, now that it’s out, I feel as if a hen’s egg has been removed from my vagina.

Peter Pan, Slightly, and Cubby: What’s a vagina?

Ventus: …Never mind.

Peter Pan: Okay so the next time you swing by, we’ll have an even bigger box of crap waiting for ya!

Ventus: …That’s kind of a small ambition for the next eleven years or more but okay then! *puts Terra’s practice Keyblade in the chest*

Tinker Bell: *tries to add the Star Shard*

Ventus: Um, Tink? That actually belongs to a friend of mine. It’s impossible to control and might transport the entire chest to somewhere where no one will ever be able to find it again. Mind if I prevent such a catastrophe?

Tinker Bell: *tries to fly off with it*

Peter Pan: Quit being a bitch, Tink!

Tinker Bell: *reluctantly hands it over*

Ventus: Thanks — AH SHIT PLOT HAPPENING.

Star Shard: *activates and engulfs everyone in bright light*

Slightly: …Where’d he go?

Cubby: HE HAS ASCENDED! *points to where the shooting star that is actually Ventus with the Star Shard is bouncing all over the sky*

Peter Pan: Meh, it’s probably taking him to a place without any problems at all and will always be super happy no matter what.

Ventus: NO I DON’T WANNA HANG OUT WITH DONALD AND GOOFY I THOUGHT WE AVOIDED THAT THIS GAME!

Peter Pan: At least he gets to D-Link with me though!

Ventus: Oh good.

Pixie Petal: I’m surprisingly powerful!

Ventus: Well at least there’s that.

~HOLY SHIT WE’RE ALMOST AT THE ENDGAME FOR VENTUS THIS IS NUTS.~

Chapter Text

~Oh fuck, not these two. Thought we avoided those assholes this game…~

Goofy: Ta-may-toe, ta-mah-toe.

Donald: Dude, I don’t know if you know this, but the difference between dicks and butts is kind of big.

Goofy: …Ta-may-toe, ta-mah-toes.

Donald: You might want to be careful with that!

Goofy: Who cares, I just wanna know where the king’s at these days.

Donald: Iunno.

Goofy: …As always, you’ve been a huge help.

Star Shard: *sends Ventus crashing right in front of them*

Donald: Okay, you can’t blame me for thinking King Mickey was back, that was a very bright light just then.

Ventus: OH I AM HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

Goofy: Snot him. *has a sad* But wait, he’s got the Star Shard the king stole — er, borrowed!

Ventus: …Wait, Mickey’s a king?! I am disbelief. But I did see him a while back, he was—

Donald: *immediately starts ushering him inside along with Goofy* We’ve been worried sick about the King, and now he’s still missing while you’ve got what’s probably his only mode of transportation. Normally this would cause us to suspect you of harming the King in order to steal such a valuable object, but instead WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH WILL YOU HAVE MY CHILDREN-BABIES? NO? OKAY, FINE.

Ventus: I am distinctly uncomfortable.

Mysterious Tower title card: Dayum it’s been a while since the Mysterious Tower, hasn’t it?

Ventus: …Okay, now I’m outside and those two are nowhere to be seen. Eh, suits me fine. *collects all the bullshit and fights a small group of pretty fucking harmless Unversed before heading upstairs*

Goofy: Noiti Sopxe, sir! We still don’t know where the king is, but we know he is now without any form of transportation!

Noiti Sopxe: No kidding. How ya doing, Ventus?

Ventus: …Um—

Noiti Sopxe: Ecivresnaf.

Ventus: Ah. Okay, I guess.

Noiti Sopxe: No kidding. Speaking of Ecivresnaf, he ordered you to return to your home planet, did he not?

Ventus: …Wait, those orders were real? I thought Aqua was being overprotective again.

Noiti Sopxe: Eh. Kids’ll be kids, it’s good to have you make your own mistakes so you can learn to deal with the consequences.

Ventus: *smiles* Gorram I’m adorable.

Noiti Sopxe: So where’s the Star Shard, then?

Donald: I swiped it from him. *puts it on the table*

Goofy: This kid, Vegemite…Vegnagun…Roxas…

Donald: Just call him Ven!

Ventus: I was gonna tell you to do that anyway on pain of death, so yeah.

Player: *dies of alcohol poisoning*

Donald: Ven had it when he got here. WHICH MEANS HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE THE KING IS.

Noiti Sopxe: EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!

Ventus: So I ran into Mickey at the Keyblade Graveyard, right, and we both got sent flying to I think Radiant Garden, but then we lost track of each other and I found this in Neverland where Mickey was nowhere to be seen. Honestly, I checked the whole planet aside from those areas I didn’t check because the game wouldn’t let me.

Donald and Goofy: Well shit. *slump*

Noiti Sopxe: As I thought. Mickey has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. This is not surprising in the least.

Donald: Well now that he doesn’t have a way to switch planets, can you identify his location?

Noiti Sopxe: Iunno. Imma try, I guess. *holds out his hands and a group of clouds appear over the table, parting to show a live feed of a collapsed Mickey with his Keyblade drawn and nearly being blown away by the wind on what is clearly the Keyblade Graveyard planet thing*

Mickey: Oh…I fell on my keys…

Ventus, Donald, and Goofy: …WELL THIS SUCKS!

Image of Mickey: *fades away and the clouds dissipate*

Donald: So I don’t know what that place is and I don’t know if he equipped any Curagas to his Command Deck before taking off.

Noiti Sopxe: My magic’s getting cut off. It’s kind of annoying.

Goofy: If ya stayed long enough to identify the planet, just let me and Donald take out a Gummi ship and we’ll pick him up no problem!

Noiti Sopxe: *gigglesnort* You two? Both of you fail at life, there’s no way you’d ever be useful to anyone ever. Ever.

Goofy: But I’m the captain of the King’s royal knights! *summons Shield*

Donald: And I’m his Grand Wizard! Which I don’t know why it sounds wrong but it does! *summons Staff*

Ventus: Thought that was Wakka, but okay...

Noiti Sopxe: Which is why you should never just let your friends into all the good jobs just because they’re your friends. Also frankly I don’t think Gummi technology is widely available yet, give it ten years or so.

Donald and Goofy: Oh.

Ventus: I can travel in space no problem and I’ve been to that planet before. Let me check it out and see what I can do.

Donald: If you go, we’ll go with you.

Ventus: No. Please God, no. Just consider this fulfilling a debt and please don’t come with me.

Donald and Goofy: Well you suck.

Ventus: Don’t worry, I’ll bring your friend back safe. I actually tolerate him.

Noiti Sopxe: Okay, have fun with that I guess.

Ventus: Cool. Now I know there’s a sticker in this room so I’ll be right back once I’m off-planet.

Donald and Goofy: WE HAVE D-LINKS NOW!

Ventus: Oh joy. *leaves the planet and pops right back really quickly to grab what he needs*

Noiti Sopxe: Hey, since you’re here—

Ventus: Oh good, more talking.

Noiti Sopxe: Mickey’s impetuousness has caused me a number of headaches. I admire his courage, but a modicum of sensibility would serve him well.

Ventus: Yeah, that’s great—

Donald: How could we ever face Queen Minnie if something happened to the King?

Ventus: …You talk to her and tell her something happened to the King, because decent leaders don’t shoot the messenger.

Donald: Clearly you don’t know her like we do. All she does is eat children. All the fucking spiciest children.

Goofy: Gawrsh, the King’s left the castle loads of times, but he always comes back safe and sound. I’m sure he’ll turn up via a different friend of yours, who'll be completely unconscious and severely harmed!

Ventus: Well that was oddly specific. *heads for the Keyblade Graveyard and sees Mickey still collapsed on the ground* Yo Mickey, you dead, brah? *runs up to him, turns him over, and lifts his head up*

Mickey: People leave their house because they’re like “WHY’S THERE SMOKE IN HERE,” and then you sneak in through the window, and give them flowers.

Ventus: …Okay, you’ve clearly got a concussion…

Master Xehanort: HI, EVERYBODY!

Ventus: *gingerly puts Mickey back down* HI, MASTER XEHANORT! Oh shit I’m suddenly remembering all of the things…You kicked me one time, man, what the shit! Also I was comatose on an island one time and then you dropped me off at Master Ecivresnaf’s apparently. *falls to his knees clutching his head in pain* Why does this seem really familiar even though this is a prequel.

Master Xehanort: Oh good, you’re remembering shit, this’ll make things easier. To FIND is to lose and to lose is to FIND, you see!

Ventus: Oh great, that’s back too, that’s great.

Master Xehanort: Okay, now remember the rest and do the fusion dance. Or fight with your other half, whichever.

Ventus: Hold up, I haven’t remembered that part yet!

Master Xehanort: FORGE THE ALL POWERFUL X-BLADE WHICH IS STILL PRONOUNCED KEYBLADE SO IT’S REALLY FUCKING CONFUSING!

Ventus: Don’t you mean χ-blade?

Master Xehanort: Still pronounced Keyblade.

Ventus: Well that’s annoying and confusing. And now I’ve fallen over.

Master Xehanort: This is where the fact that the subtitles can never be turned off in these games actually come in handy for once other than talking to Jaq. *summons a floating χ symbol in his hands, the same kind that Xemnas will show to Roxas later* It’s a letter of the Greek alphabet that doesn’t get too much attention, sadly, everyone’s so obsessed with alpha, beta, and omega. And it’s shaped like an X, which is presumably why my Nobody will constantly be putting Xs in all his minions’ names. Also so he can somehow put the Trace on them. That is a thing now. It’s spelled “Chi” by most but it can also be pronounced “Key” or “Kye.” AND APPARENTLY IT MEANS DEATH WHICH IS WHY PEOPLE OFTEN SHORTEN CHRISTMAS TO X-MAS BECAUSE JESUS WAS ALL ABOUT DEATH ON HIS BIRTHDAY WASN’T HE. Okay so maybe I got the meaning mixed up a little, who even cares. *summons a giant Dark Corridor in the sky*

Ventus: So it’s the ultimate Keyblade, even more powerful than Ultima, and I can help create it if I wanted or something?

Master Xehanort: YYYYYYYYYEP! Why do you think Ecivresnaf never wanted you to leave the Land of Departure? Why he’s never gonna give you the title of Keyblade Master no matter how strong you get? Why he was never gonna allow you to grow stronger than a sparring partner for Terra and Aqua in the first place? *gesticulates wildly* People fear what they don’t understand, and boy are you impossible for him to understand. If you were to realize what you truly are, he figured you’d go and create the χ-blade for kicks or something I guess, even though you’re a being of pure light with no possible way of succumbing to evil which is why I have to persuade the shit out of you right now. Basically Ecivresnaf is a huge, mistrustful dick who never loved you.

Dark Corridor: *shoots lightning at Ventus, nearly hitting him in the face*

Ventus: *slowly gets to his feet* I don’t know why I’m suddenly believing everything you say, but it is true that the Master never let me off-planet which I always thought sucked a whole lot.

Master Xehanort: I’m an Airbender now. *blows a gust of wind at Ventus with his outstretched hand* So yeah, go talk to him or whatever. See if he doesn’t try to kill you because you exist. *creates a whirlwind that sucks up both Ventus and Mickey into the Dark Corridor*

Ventus: *winds up in the fetal position out in space* …Dayum it’s a good thing I somehow put my armor on in transit. Wonder where Mickey went — AH MY HEAD. *clutches it and writhes in agony while floating in space* So what the shit am I supposed to be anyway, I thought clones didn’t happen until later in the series. Horcruxes maybe? Should I try a little slice of remorse pie? But I don’t even know why I should feel remorseful, not really, I just know that I’m one half of a weapon… *looks up and sees the Land of Departure planet* …WELP, TIME TO ASK SOME SHIT I GUESS! *saves a bunch of times before heading back to his home planet* Well this is cool, it’s daylight for once. Still, I do not feel great about coming home. I’m level forty-four now, the Master can’t ignore how strong I’ve gotten forever. And if Master Xehanort’s right, that’s exactly what Master Ecivresnaf doesn’t want because he’s afraid of what I might become or something…Hmm…

Master Ecivresnaf: Ventus! Finally! Where’s Aqua, I thought she would’ve done the responsible thing and personally escorted you back instead of just assuming you’d do whatever she told you to do.

Ventus: Which is why I visited four additional planets before coming back here.

Master Ecivresnaf: Figures. *puts his hand on Ven’s shoulders* Well, at least you’re home now. You’re still too weak to travel too far from here even though you’re at a higher level than Terra is right now. But he may or may not be an adult while you’re still clearly a much younger teenager so I’d prefer it if you stayed here until you got a little bit older—

Ventus: What, safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone? Gazing at the people down below me?

Master Ecivresnaf: …Huh?

Ventus: All my life I’ve watched them as I hide up there, alone! Hungry for the histories they show me!

Master Ecivresnaf: Okay, clearly I should just see you as a rebellious teenager who’s feeling maybe a little claustrophobic and wants to spread his wings a little, but instead of using that to deny everything I immediately confirm your suspicions by asking what you’ve heard.

Ventus: That I’m some sort of plot device that’ll help create the most powerful weapon in the ‘verse. And I really hope that you can tell the difference between χ-blade and Keybade since they both sound exactly the fucking same.

Master Ecivresnaf: I can read subtitles, yes. *touches one of the scars on his face* I knew Xehanort was evil. Which is why I never stopped anything he did and allowed him to come and hang out and fuck things up.

Ventus: Yeah, you were all, “I hope that guy isn’t up to anything!” You mean the guy that’s scheming and doing evil shit constantly? And murdering people?!

Master Ecivresnaf: It’s not great. Hey, can you see my flashbacks if I flashback?

Ventus: Don’t know, let’s find out.

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: Wait, Xehanort! Don’t do that bad thing, it’s bad and bad things will happen because badness! Why are you so obsessed with the χ-blade? And let me know if you understood which blade I’m talking about, your back’s turned to me right now.

Flashback Master Xehanort: No, I got it.

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: So why do you want to destroy a shitton of planets, that’s essentially what you’d be doing.

Flashback Master Xehanort: Who cares, it’s happened before during the Keyblade War. And I know we don’t know shit about what happened during that time because Jesus Christ with Union X's slow-ass story updates, but that’s why I want to recreate it and find out what that tiny, precious light within the darkness was all about. It’s fine if everything gets destroyed because, if I do this right, it’ll all pop back up again eventually. And it’s a truly fascinating experiment I’m conducting right now, especially since the χ-blade is apparently the only Keyblade that can unlock the Keyblade War, because that’s a thing that has a door now. Why don’t you want to find out about it, this shit’s awesome and interesting as hell!

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: Because I treasure the current lives we have and don’t want to lose all of the miraculous and beautiful planets there are in the universe just for the sake of your curiosity?

Flashback Master Xehanort: No, you don't understand, it's different when it's me because I want it.

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: You massive fucking hypocrite!

Flashback Master Xehanort:There's no hypocrisy here! I live my life for me! I want to win!

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: What if you fuck this up, what if nothing survives?! You'll be condemning the human race to absolute destruction!

Flashback Master Xehanort: Fuck the human race! We all emerge from darkness when we are born into the light anyway, do we not?

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: If you mean that the uterus has no light source until we emerge via vagina or C-section, then yes, but that’s just the nature of biology, if the womb had a light source that would kind of mean that the pregnant person had a giant hole in their abdomen that would be severely bad for both pregnant person and child due to the fact that they would probably be dying.

Flashback Master Xehanort: Stop ruining my metaphors. *turns to leave*

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: Okay, fuck it, I’m killing you before you cause the apocalypse. *summons Master’s Defender and lunges at him*

Flashback Master Xehanort: *summons No Name and shoots two bolts of nonspecific black stuff at Ecivresnaf’s face*

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: …OW?! *collapses*

Flashback Master Xehanort: *is now crackling with sexual energy*

Flashback Master Ecivresnaf: *lifts himself up slightly with his Keyblade* So it’s all super evil? I’m guessing it’s super evil. Has the darkness taken you, Xenahort? Is that why your ears got pointy and your eyes are now glowing yellow? IS THAT WHY YOU HAVE AN EVIL-LOOKING GOATEE THAT ONLY VILLAINS WOULD HAVE?!

Flashback Master Xehanort: Yeah seriously, you’re a fucking idiot. *leaves*

Master Ecivresnaf: *is now done flashbacking* And then he fucked you up royal and seemed to repent and I took his word for it for some reason because he was an old friend and you always get a little stupid when that kind of thing happens. But I won’t lose to him ever again! *summons Master’s Defender*

Ventus: You’re gonna go after him and kill him off once and for all?

Master Ecivresnaf: No, I’m going to kill you.

Ventus: …Wait, what?

Master Ecivresnaf: I need to make sure that the χ-blade is never created!

Ventus: Which you can do by killing Master Xehanort! Believe me, I don’t want to turn into a sword thing, I like being human! Why aren’t you killing the old friend who turned obviously evil instead of the boy you love like a son and has a perfect track record of always standing for truth and justice?!

Master Ecivresnaf: Because you’re not even human anymore I guess maybe? Iunno. Anyway, forgive me.

Ventus: No!

Master Ecivresnaf: *shoots a giant burst of light at Ventus’s face*

Terra: OH FUCK ALL THIS SHIT! *flies in at the last second, still in his armor, and deflects the blast meant for Ven* WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

Master Ecivresnaf: Terra, I order you to move so I can kill your little brother!

Terra: *has his armor fade away* …No?

Master Ecivresnaf: WHY WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME ANYMORE.

Terra: Because you’re trying to kill my best friend who I know you love like a son?

Master Ecivresnaf: That makes sense. Except…no. And since you’re disobeying orders, I’m sorry, but that means I’m going to have to kill you too apparently. But I am severely regretful of it. See? Look at my one tear. That totally means that I don’t want to murder my children in a fit of complete stupidity when I can just explain shit instead. *lunges at Terra*

Terra: Yeah, just keep saying it, that’ll make it suddenly make sense. *blocks every strike*

Ventus: Terra, on second thought maybe it’s best if he just follows through with the killing me thing—

Terra: You shut the fuck up right now!

Ventus: …Dude I don’t think you understand—

Terra: Even though I totally do, I don’t have to because you’re my baby brother. *manages to push Ecivresnaf back*

Master Ecivresnaf: My child murder boner is erect and I will not have it be softened by the likes of you. *shoots a blast of light at them and they’re both pushed back*

Ventus: That seems to have hurt me even though I’m light incarnate.

Terra: *picks up Ven with one arm* Okay, could you stop now?

Master Ecivresnaf: Eh…Nah. *stars crackling with light sexual energy*

Terra: …Fuck it. *starts crackling with dark sexual energy* Wow, totally expected my eyes to have turned yellow just there. And look, you may be my father figure, but I will not let you hurt my little brother figure! Also why am I holding Earthshaker again, I’m supposed to be rockin’ the Sweetstack.

Master Ecivresnaf: Damn it, Terra, you just gave me a legitimate excuse to kill you!

Terra: I don’t care! *points Earthshaker behind him and summons a portal to space that he throws Ventus into*

Ventus: Everyone’s kicking my ass today. Terra! Try to talk it out with him, okay? I don’t want you getting hurt and I don’t want you hurting him!

Terra: …Dude that’s probably gonna be fucking impossible.

Ventus: But you can’t kill your boss!

Terra: Well you can, it’s just not advisable. *portal closes behind him*

Ventus: *gets dropped off on Destiny Islands*

Destiny Islands title card: HEY DID YOU KNOW YOU WERE DROPPED OFF ON THE DESTINY ISLANDS?!

Ventus: *is shot out of the portal onto the beach under the bridge* Terra! I don’t like sand! It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere! *tries to run back into the portal but it closes before he can get there* Fuck it, I’ll travel back into space myself.

Vanitas: No you won’t. *is standing up on the bridge*

Ventus: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO STARTED ALL THIS!

Vanitas: I KNOW!

Ventus: OKAY. *starts to walk away*

Vanitas: Wait, we’re not quite done explaining everything yet. You’re strong enough now to have the rest of your memories returned and to also beat the game. Presumably. I mean you made it this far anyway. So…You wanna do it here?

Ventus: …Saying it like that makes it sound like you wanna do the sex with me.

Vanitas: No, I just wanna become the χ-blade with you and destroy the universe.

Ventus: Which is kind of the opposite of what I want to do so no.

Vanitas: Which is probably why we’re total opposites, yeah, which is why we should probably do it.

Ventus: Yeah, but here’s the thing, I’m not fighting you or doing the fusion dance with you.

Vanitas: I bequeath to you your final flashback.

Ventus: GAH, MY BRAIN! I THINK I NEED THAT FOR THINGS! *clutches head and whines in agony*

Flashback Neoshadows: *are in the Keyblade Graveyard for some reason*

Flashback Ventus: Aww, come on, couldn’t you have started me off on Shadows? Also these are Heartless, what the hell, I didn’t think those existed for another few years.

Flashback Master Xehanort: Go big or go home. Also stop holding back on the darkness, I know you have some. Fear leads to anger! Let it or you’ll fucking die!

Flashback Ventus: I’m trying, but you’re not telling me how!

Flashback Master Xehanort: Just shut up and make the χ-blade already!

Flashback Ventus: But I already have a Keyblade! *holds up Wayward Wind*

Flashback Master Xehanort: No, the χ-blade, it’s spelled differently, learn to read subtitles while pissing yourself in fear.

Flashback Neoshadow: *attacks Ventus*

Flashback Ventus: WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD’VE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SWING A FUCKING SWORD A LITTLE MORE THAN NOT AT ALL BEFORE SENDING ME OUT HERE.

Flashback Master Xehanort: *watches the slaughter* Well that could’ve gone better. Also where did all those Heartless even go, anyway. *walks up to Ven’s unconscious body and kicks him onto his back* Huh, thought they would’ve taken his heart. Death works too, I guess. Or… *summons No Name and holds it over Ven’s heart, shooting a laser into his chest*

Flashback Ventus: …This feels weird. *watches heart emerge from his chest and watches darkness surround it and create Vanitas, sans helmet but the camera refuses to pan up to his face* And now that I’ve had a Horcrux created for me I’m just gonna go sleep-sleeps now. *eyes dull as he goes catatonic*

Flashback Vanitas: *descends to the ground*

Flashback Master Xehanort: Conglaturations, you’re Vanitas now.

Flashback Vanitas: I guess I do already have the helmet. I mean, uh, yeah, sure, whatever.

Ventus: Well those were some painful memories. Still don’t remember dick about my existence before that moment but now I almost don’t want to, even though it's apparently super relevant. *is still clearly in pain*

Vanitas: So yeah, come to the Keyblade Graveyard whenever you’re ready to make the χ-blade.

Ventus: I already told you, no.

Vanitas: Fine, I guess you don’t care if I murder Terra and Aqua, then.

Ventus: Who says they’ll even be there?

Vanitas: Please, everyone's been looking forward to this ever since the post-credits sequence of KHII, this is going to happen. *takes a Dark Corridor out of there*

Ventus: …Fuck. *pulls out Wayfinder* Terra, Aqua…I’ll be right there, gimme a couple minutes. *summons Pixie Petal and creates a portal to space that he flies through on his space hoverboard*

Lost Memory: I’m the only truly balanced Keyblade in this whole game that’s stronger overall than Sweetstack!

Ventus: What’s Sweetstack?

Lost Memory: Boy do you have some sidequests to catch up on…

Ventus: Whatever, it kind of sucks that you can never go back to Destiny Islands after just having a quick cutscene. *goes to the Keyblade Graveyard and lands in a different place than usual* So during the Keyblade war, there was a burst of something that gauged a chunk out of two different mountains, tore the top of another, and completely obliterated a fourth. Yeah, that’s not worrisome at all. Also that other gouge in the ground looks like Mickey’s head because of course it does. *summons Lost Memory* Damn this Keyblade’s so fucking sick. Also I’m gonna beat this game with the power of friendship, ‘CAUSE THAT’S THE WAY TEAM GURREN ROLES! JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!

Keyblade Graveyard title card: *LOOKS FUCKING SICK AS SHIT*

Ventus: *gathers some items and stickers before moving into the Twister Trench* Wonder why this place is called Twister Trench OH THAT’S WHY. *keeps getting caught while trying to get treasures* Oh, they only summon the weakest of babby Unversed, that’s fine then. Why are some of them huge and some of them normal-sized, it doesn’t change that they’re as weak as they were in the first few worlds of this game. *clears out the entire area before moving onto the final rest stop of the game*

Moogle: This is the final rest stop of the game, kupo! If you have any side quests or leveling you’d like to do before finishing the game, now would be the time, kupo!

Ventus: …I got some shit to do, then. *fucks off to the Mirage Arena* FUCKING IRON IMPRISONERS. *gets through as much as he can, dicks around on the Command Board for a while, wins all the races, and goes to collect ice cream ingredients* So this is what Terra meant by Sweetstack…Meh, I’ll stick with my Lost Memory, thank you very much. Aaaaand I don’t really feel like doing the other shit in Disney Town right now, I’ll do that shit post-game. Erm…Let’s see, level forty-six…LET’S SEE IF THAT’S HIGH ENOUGH TO BEAT THIS SHIT ON CRITICAL! *goes to the end of the game*

~Here’s hoping no one else was on the Destiny Islands while Ven and Vani were there.~

Chapter Text

~Look! There’s Inductive Reasoning, there’s Déjà Vu, there’s Language Processing, there’s Déjà Vu, there’s Critical Thinking, there’s Déjà Vu…~

Keyblade Graveyard: *is dusty and windy as shit*

Rusty-ass Keyblade: Just chillin’ in my graveyard.

Terra: I AM STANDING.

Keyblade Graveyard: *is still dusty and windy as shit*

Terra: THIS IS THE BACK OF MY HEAD. *looks to the side* …Come to think of it, aren’t I supposed to be wearing armor or something?

Aqua: *is walking towards him* I thought I was supposed to be wearing armor too, what happened?

Terra: Maybe it was just to look cool for the trailer without actually giving away anyone’s identities?

Aqua: And yet our helmets came off eventually anyway.

Terra: Yeah, weird. We looked totally badass, though.

Aqua: This is true. *finally gets level with him* So I heard Master Ecivresnaf done bit it.

Terra: Okay, about that — he was straight-up trying to kill Ven. Our own little brother. So I fought him and he conceded that that was an incredibly stupid-ass decision and it looked like we were back on track. He saw that what he was doing was stupid and I probably could’ve used Curaga or a Hi-Potion on him or something if we had more time. Except Master Xehanort chose that moment to stab him in the back while he was weakened and he became one with the Lifestream.

Aqua: We have that?

Terra: Or pyreflies or something, I don’t know. And I get that Xehanort struck the killing blow but I still weakened him in the first place, still fell right into Xehanort’s trap. I’m willing to bet he told Ven…something so that he would go to the Master and so the Master would try to kill him and I’d have to defend him.

Aqua: Curse his sudden but inevitable betrayal.

Terra: I KNOW, RIGHT?! Oh and also our planet exploded.

Aqua: I know, I’ve been to the wreckage, it’s not great.

Terra: Yeah. But now that I know Xehanort’s a villain and a great personal trauma has changed my outlook on life, I’m going to start making changes to my lifestyle in order to become someone you and Ven can be proud to call friend again.

Aqua: *doesn’t speak for a long time* What is darkness but hate and rage?

Batman: Darkness is nothing but death…and crime…and the rage of a beast.

Aqua: Starting off like that, it sounds as if I’m actually gonna comfort you by saying that you did it out of love and the desire to protect what is basically our little brother. In reality, I have absolutely no faith in my best friend, thinking that you’ll never learn from your mistakes even though it involved you killing our Master which really would’ve woken you up. Tell me, how does the vague possibility of failing in the future honor our Master’s memory, Terra?

Terra: …Wow you’re a bitch.

Aqua: Which is why this is easier to lampoon than Days.

Terra: Infinitely so. Hold up, Ven’s here.

Ventus: I came through here the exact same way that Aqua did, why the balls are we coming from two different directions.

Aqua: …Rule of Cool?

Ventus: I guess…Figured we’d be wearing armor, though.

Terra: Us too, frankly.

Ventus: *gets level with them* Xehanort wants me to find Vanitas and make some kind of χ-blade.

Aqua: You two are gonna make a Keyblade just by fighting?

Ventus: No, χ-blade, it’s pronounced exactly the same so you have to pay attention to the subtitles.

Aqua: Wait…if you two fight, you’ll transform into a weapon?

Ventus: Essentially, yeah.

Aqua: …What?

Terra: Huh?

Aqua: Who? Where? When? How?

Terra: If?

Ventus: *laughs* Just fucking throwing out prepositions!

Aqua: But no, seriously, what?

Terra: Ventus used to have the same amount of darkness in his heart as any normal person, which is everyone, by the way, but Xehanort extracted it and created Vanitas with it which turned Ven into the zambambo he was when we first met him.

Ventus: How’d you know?

Terra: Xehanort told me while I was still buying his remorseful act. Didn’t think you two could actually make a weapon if you tried hard enough, though. Didn’t know humans could do that.

Ventus: Well anyway, that’s why Master Ecivresnaf wanted to kill me. So the χ-blade could never be forged.

Aqua: I still have so many fucking questions.

Ventus: So do I. And I’m terrified of the answers. Especially considering Xehanort basically wants to destroy the universe just to see if anything comes of it. I don’t want to be the cause of that!

Terra: …We need to put our differences aside right now for the sake of the kid.

Aqua: I couldn’t agree more.

Terra: *puts his hand on Ven’s shoulder* Relax, little bro. We’re gonna get through this together, like we did a grand total of once this entire game.

Aqua: Oh come on, it was more than…Shit, it was just the Trinity Armor, you’re right, fuck.

Ventus: But if Vanitas finds me again, or if he threatens either of you, I might have to fight him after all. If that happens—

Terra: We’ll protect you no matter what, of course! Nothing can tear us apart except for the very events that are about to transpire, because FRIENDSHIP IS THE GREATEST MAGIC OF ALL! *tightens his grip on Ven’s shoulder*

Aqua: And I’ll help too! *leans down and puts a hand on Ven’s cheek*

Ventus: … *removes both Aqua and Terra’s hands* The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If I have to be killed so the universe can live, I need you two to do it.

Terra and Aqua: …I don’t like this game anymore.

Ventus: Aaaaand Master Xehanort just showed up. This is gonna be great.

Master Xehanort: *is walking towards them, with Vanitas appearing from right behind him, Void Gear already drawn, and both stop a good distance away* So yeah, all these Keys used to have an owner, apparently. Which really makes the whole There Can Be Only One thing from the first game total bullshit. And this is apparently where the whole Keyblade war that still has yet to be explained took place.

Terra: …Is he talking to us?

Ventus: I don’t know, I can’t hear a word he’s saying.

Aqua: Maybe he’s expositing a bunch of crap for Vanitas?

Master Xehanort: *rolls his eyes and speaks up* And according to what little evidence I’ve decided to interpret to suit my needs, everything was done to form the ultimate Key.

Terra, Ventus, and Aqua: Ultima?

Master Xehanort: …No, the χ-blade. *points dramatically at Ventus*

Terra, Ventus, and Aqua: …Fuck it. *all activate their armors at once as we prepare for the most cinematic moment thus far in Kingdom Hearts history*

Ventus: *tries to step forward*

Terra: *holds him back and runs forward instead, jumping up and slashing down at Xehanort*

Master Xehanort: Apparently being a Keyblade Master means I can Earthbend. Yeah, that makes sense. *raises his hand and simultaneously raises a wall of earth that Terra skims across before summoning a much larger cliff-face that he and Vanitas are standing atop*

Terra: *grunts and gets back up*

Master Xehanort: Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh… *raises his hand dramatically*

Aqua: Okay when did it get so dark all of a sudden, can he control the weather as well as the landscape? And the…Keyblades…that are suddenly forming into a giant serpent-like pattern and heading right for us? Ven, move!

Vanitas: *jumps on top of the Keyblade formation and rides it like a skateboard* Oh yeah, this is well possible.

Ventus: …What?

Vanitas: It’s-It’s well possible.

Ventus: Is that a—

Vanitas: Yeah, you can say that.

Ventus: Is that a phrase, are you serious?

Vanitas: Yeah, absolutely.

Ventus: I don’t know if I believe you.

Vanitas: Well, you don’t have to—

Ventus: And if I do believe you, I don’t know how much I do.

Vanitas: As long as it’s like a thirty percent trust rate, we can work with that.

Ventus: Thirty percent, that’s low.

Vanitas: I’ll work with low. Pays the bills. *crashes right into Ventus, knocking him over with the barrage of Keyblades before flying up and knocking Terra off of the cliff he was on*

Aqua: Am I the only one he’s not attacking — SHIT! *gets attacked from a bunch of Keyblades rising up from below* Oh I’m hurt! I am very much hurt!

Ventus: *runs up to her* Aqua! Your helmet fell off!

Aqua: So it did. Hang on a sec. TERRA! *casts Reflect on Terra so the Keyblades stop slashing the shit out of him. And then it explodes*

Master Xehanort: …Did I do that with my Keyblades, or…?

Aqua: I hope so, Reflect’s not supposed to explode.

Terra: *falls onto the higher cliff in front of Xehanort* Oh, I fell on my keys…

Master Xehanort: I understood that reference. *is about to use his own Keyblade on Terra but Ven jumps behind him and tries to slash him in the back of the head, but it was just an afterimage*

Ventus: …What the fuck just happened.

Master Xehanort: This. *grabs his head from behind him and clutches it tightly*

Terra: Ven! You kind of look ridiculous struggling like that!

Ventus: Yeah that’s great, mind getting me out of this situation so I won’t have to look ridiculous?!

Terra: On it — AUGH! *gets hit by a shitton of Keyblades from below* I’m starting to not like our odds here.

Vanitas: I’m still up here too, you know!

Terra: *gets slashed at by Keyblades all the way down to the ground* Good thing there’s no fall damage, or I’d be in some real trouble here.

Aqua: I can just barely make out what’s happening to Ven from all the way down here.

Master Xehanort: This boy I’m holding in my hand is integral to my entire plan of universal destruction. He is the one I must ensure is kept alive at all costs so I can convince him to fight Vanitas and create the weapon I so seek. TIME TO SHOOT A BOLT OF DARKNESS THROUGH HIM, USE GLACIER ON HIM, AND TOSS HIM CASUALLY OFF THIS GIANT CLIFF!

Vanitas: …Master, stop being a crazy psycho. Now’s not a good time for you to be a psycho.

Master Xehanort: MY PWAN IS GWEAT!

Vanitas: No.

Ventus: Despite hitting my leg on the way down, my helmet somehow also came off.

Aqua: *catches Ven with her body before he shatters* Dayum I must be strong to just so casually flip you around like this so I can hold you in a better position. Also ARE YOU OKAY?!

Ventus: I’d answer if I wasn’t basically under the Full Body Bind with a dash of hypothermia.

Aqua: So you are. At least your eyeballs are still moving so I know you’re not dead.

Master Xehanort: *summons a ball of…mostly light energy, frankly, and shoots it into the sky, causing the clouds to part in order to reveal the heart-shaped moon that is Kingdom Hearts*

Aqua: …How the fuck is that there, there are no Heartless with which to collect hearts, is that just meant to be cinematic, what the flying fucking shit fuckers.

Master Xehanort: Dude, I have so much time travel bullshit going on, don’t read too much into it.

Mickey: *steps into frame thousands of miles away* Must’ve woken up and come back here at some point. Because I’m going to be such a huge help.

Braig: Well that was tone-annihilating. So I’m here now, and I’d like to take that popsicle off your hands. Heh, it’s funny ‘cause his clone’s gonna eat popsicles in ten years. And that way you can go murder Terra or whatever.

Aqua: …And why the balls would I want to do that?

Braig: Heh, Organization XIII music playing, nice touch. But he killed your Master, didn’t he? Aren’t you pissed? *is now wearing an eye patch and has a scar on his cheek*

Aqua: …Well you look fucking badass.

Braig: Don’t I, though?

Aqua: Who are you, though, and why are your eyes yellow and your ears pointy?

Braig: Side effect of the darkness. And it’s so adorable that you think you’re actually a main character in this franchise. As if. As soon as the real final chapter’s over with, no one will even know you exist until this game is released.

Ventus: They’ll get…hints…during Final Mix.

Braig: What, KHII Final Mix Plus? Sure, now they’ll get that since it’s finally released outside of Japan, but with this game already bundled alongside it? Who even cares? Anyway, I need to kill both of you now. Who wants to go first?

Ventus: …Dude, your boss actually needs me for a thing.

Braig: Oh, so this kiddo actually thinks he’s a main character too, does he? Man, I will never forget that angry face, that’s such a great angry face!

Aqua: Yeah, you can try to kill us. I’m level seventy-five, motherfucker! *puts Ventus down*

Ventus: …Hey Aqua…can you cast…Mega Flare…in my general vicinity real quick?

Aqua: Nah, I think I’ll just let you thaw out naturally.

Ventus: You really…suck today…

Aqua: Shut up, I need to kick this guy’s ass for implying that Terra’s a huge murderer, considering he said that Xehanort dealt the final blow and I’m still more inclined to believe Terra over this guy.

Ventus: Aqua! Don’t fuck it up!

Aqua: Apparently I didn’t, I just had a boss fight with him offscreen.

Ventus: Oh. Good for you, then.

Braig: *pants heavily* I hate everything. Why do I even bother fighting Keyblade wielders in the first place, it never goes well. Still, at least you didn’t burn my fucking face off, I don’t care how cool I look, that shit hurts, man!

Aqua: Whatever, I’m gonna strike the killing blow now.

Braig: What if I told you that everything that just happened was a huge distraction and then ran the fuck away? *runs the fuck away*

Aqua: …I’d stop dead in my tracks, not chase after you, and completely let my guard down, that’s what! Oh yeah, Ven, how ya holding up?

Ventus: Would still appreciate a Mega Flare shot my way any time now…SHIT, AQUA, LOOK OUT!

Aqua: Why, what—

Vanitas: *jumps down from the cliff and strikes her down*

Aqua: …I’m shocked…that this doesn’t…leave a mark… *collapses*

Ventus: …Well you fucking suck.

Vanitas: Whatever, I’m going to stab her in the heart now. *positions Void Gear over Aqua’s heart*

Ventus: *struggles harder to get out of the ice* Why can’t I cast Mega Flare my own damn self, I have it fucking equipped!

Vanitas: I’m just going to take my sweet-ass time in striking downward. Wouldn’t want to rush things, after all!

Ventus: DAMN IT, MELT FASTER!

Vanitas: Man, I just have all the time in the world, don’t I? *raises Keyblade ever so slightly ever so slowly*

Ventus: OKAY STOP I’M STANDING LET’S FIGHT.

Vanitas: Hmph. All according to keikaku.

Aqua: Boy it sure is a good thing my body’s mysteriously gone from this next fight.

Ventus: Ain’t it, though?

Vanitas: Hey cool, I can summon my serpentine cloud of Keyblades and ride around on it during this boss fight!

Ventus: Well balls, it’s hard to hit you from on there.

Vanitas: I know, which is why I’m going to make it easy for you by getting rid of the extra Keyblades and jumping down so you can hit me better.

Ventus: …Why.

Vanitas: MY PWAN IS GWEAT.

Ventus: No. Also stop teleporting so I can hit you.

Vanitas: No.

Ventus: Well too bad because you’re dead now.

Vanitas: No I’m not, my health bar’s just been depleted. When will you people learn that that won’t kill me. Well, not completely, anyway. *helmet slowly melts, revealing…fifteen-year-old Sora with black hair and yellow eyes*

Ventus: …How why what.

Vanitas: You joined with Sora’s heart when he helped repair yours, so now I look like he will in the future.

Ventus: But his heart joined with mine after we were separated, so what gives?

Vanitas: Iunno, I think I was born with the helmet and didn’t actually take form till later. Or something. Look, it’s a badass reveal so just go with it. *starts spewing dark sexual energy and making a circle around him and Ventus* Let’s just make this χ-blade already, come on, it’s my one goal in life, let me have this!

Floods: *emerge from the darkness and glomp Ventus*

Ventus: I’m just now getting the message that you control the Unversed, and that apparently they also spawn from you.

Vanitas: Yep, I’ve had this ability ever since we were split, which is why I didn’t actually send out the monsters until possibly years later. *summons a wide variety of Unversed* Guess I had to control the power first or some bullshit. Oh hey look, the Trinity Armor’s in the background. But yeah, each one is apparently based on an emotion of mine. The Tank Topplers are from the days where I’m feeling a little flabby and gassy. I like them 'cause they're corpulent. And obviously the Shoegazers are from when my feet hurt.

Ventus: What about the Prize Pods?

Vanitas: Hey, I like ice cream as much as the next guy! And I was able to release them into every single world.

Ventus: Why are some versions of Unversed in some worlds when others aren’t?

Vanitas: Well I had to put certain ones onto planets with certain motifs, didn’t I? It’s just more interesting that way!

Ventus: Okay. What about the Mirage Arena?

Vanitas: Oh, hey, I learned this a while back: apparently Laguna from FFVIII was supposed to be in charge of that shit!

Ventus: Wait, seriously?

Vanitas: According to an interview with Nomura, but then they had other plans for another FF crossover game so they left him out so they could use him elsewhere.

Ventus: Pity, his segments were actually some of the most enjoyable things about FFVIII.

Vanitas: I know, right? And having someone in control of it, someone from the past no less, would’ve made that whole planet being in this time period make sense as well!

Ventus: As it is?

Vanitas: Yeah not so much. But yeah, I made the Unversed so you’d be forced to leave home and get out from under your Master’s thumb.

Aqua: I’m still unconscious!

Ventus: That’s nice, I’m still being choked to death by Floods.

Vanitas: We needed to train you up so you’d be able to match me. And Terra as well, frankly, Aqua just got lucky. And even though I was in the Destiny Islands at one point I didn’t release any monsters there for some reason. And they’re constantly respawning every time you reenter a room because they never truly disappear; their negative energy just flows right back into me, and I send it right back out to where it was. Except bosses, I guess I just divert those to the Mirage Arena or something — That’s why it exists, okay, let’s run with this theory. Oh and also apparently every time one of them dies, I feel it, which considering how overleveled you are can not be fun for me. *sucks up all the Unversed except the Floods back into him* Yeah, you and all the planets here will always end up kind of boned. *summons a ball of light that surrounds them and expands, creating a shockwave that sends Aqua’s body flying into a ditch and forming a crater*

Ventus: …Did…did we just combine into the same person? *unwillingly unleashes a pillar of light and awakens floating over a stain glass heart that he lands on and realizes shows both himself and Vanitas sleeping in a sort of yin-yang motif*

Vanitas: *floats down beside him* Okay I know you’re kind of against making the χ-blade but you gotta admit this stain glass design’s fucking awesome. Otherwise enjoy walking across that abyss of nothing. Also check out the χ-blade itself. *holds up two Kingdom Keyblades crisscrossed with a normal blade sticking out of the junction* It’s not quite done yet, though, look, there’s a chip in it and it looks like it’s covered with mold or something, gross. So, yeah, let’s finish this fight so we can finish this weapon.

Ventus: No, don't bleach it, I like it gross. *summons Lost Memory* Also I’m killing you and destroying that thing.

Vanitas: *does a really good psychotic laugh* We’re the same person, idiot! You destroy me and this thing, you destroy yourself as well!

Ventus: Guess what? The future games never mentioned the χ-blade until 3D, and it takes ten years for the worlds to start imploding and that’s because of a completely different reason. This is a prequel and I’m not in any of the future games. And I accept this fact.

Vanitas: Wow, nothing on the power of friendship?

Ventus: Hey, thanks for reminding me!

Vanitas: No wait I didn’t mean—

Ventus: THEY ARE IN MY HEART AND I KNOW THAT I AM IN THEIRS! LOOK, THEIR GIANT FACES ARE APPEARING ON EITHER SIDE OF ME AS PROOF!

Vanitas: …Yeah, that was a little weird.

Ventus: …So we doing this or what?

Vanitas: Yeah, um, I don’t get it, if you fight me we form the χ-blade, but also if you fight me you’ll be able to destroy me.

Ventus: You know what? This fight’s actually way easier because you’re not riding around on that cloud of Keyblades, that was the hardest part about last time.

Vanitas: …Shit, you’re right. *gets whittled down to one HP* And now we get to the hard part. *jumps up and straight-up destroys their heart with the χ-blade* Don’t ask me why that didn’t just finish the battle right then and there, ‘cause I have no idea, that probably should’ve killed us both.

Ventus: *is now floating with Vanitas amongst thousands of shards of broken glass* …There aren’t any Curagas in my command deck anymore, I had like four of them equipped.

Vanitas: That’s because you’ve D-Linked with me now. You’ve got no choice but to use the commands that are given to you. Heh, if you can even reach me with them—

Ventus: *Shotlocks the shit out of him*

Vanitas: …I keep forgetting that’s a thing.

Ventus: As do I. Now would you quit hanging on to your last shred of light and just die already? You’re kind of frustrating the players who just want it to end by this point, they no longer care how good it looks, they want to move on and get more information and crap.

Vanitas: Well here’s hope you don’t miss with this last attack now that you’ve filled the command gauge!

Ventus: *…ends up failing several times because he didn’t actually lock on when he unleashed his finisher and ended up dying and soft resetting to the point where he went out and got up to level forty-nine before trying again and finally succeeding after about six tries total*

Vanitas: …Ow?! *lets go of the χ-blade and it starts floating away from him, no matter how many times he tries to reach out and grab it, until he seems to fall asleep and floats down into the darkness while the χ-blade explodes into light and shatters*

Lost Memory: *also explodes into light and shatters*

Vanitas: *dies the same way Ecivresnaf did despite being a being of pure darkness, sinking into a blank circular space within the abyss and making it shine with sudden light*

Ventus: *sinks down onto it and sees that he’s alone on the stain glass again, Vanitas’s design having vanished, and he smiles before he, too, dissolves into light*

Ventus’s heart: *floats upward and somehow gets a copy of Xehanort’s report on the way to add to the collection he hasn’t really been paying attention to this entire time*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Ventus and Aqua: *are floating out in space hand in hand in their armor while unconscious*

Mickey: *finds them with the Star Shard* Do I have to do everything around here? *grabs Aqua’s hand and teleports them to the Mysterious Tower*

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…~

Ventus: *falls into some kind of ocean like he did at the beginning of the game, and indeed like Sora did at the beginning of Kingdom Hearts I, slowly opening his eyes as he falls deeper and deeper into the depths* …Am I back…at the beginning of the game? *stares as the darkness around him grows brighter and brighter* Oh, it’s you, I remember you…

Credits: *begin, with the orchestrated version of Hikari as usual, which no one should ever have a problem with because it’s fucking amazing*

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather: And you didn’t think there’d be cameos.

Jaq: Boy, sure hope Lucifer-senpai doesn’t notice me today.

Lucifer: *notices him today*

Seven Dwarfs: High-ho, high-ho, it’s off to work we go…

Dilan and Aeolus: …’Sup.

Even: You coming?

Ienzo: Only if I can have lines the next time I show up.

Merlin: No I can’t magic you up more money, what do you think I have the Philosopher’s Stone or something?

Scrooge McDuck: …Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I thought.

Lea: Come on, one more shot of us for the fans?

Isa: I’ve no interest in any of that.

Lea: Aw come on, we’re adorable!

Isa: Yeah but our hair sucks until later.

Lea: …Well mine’s okay-ish…

Pete: Why are you guys applauding over in that direction, I’m over here! *stomps foot*

Minnie, Huey, Dewey, and Louie: …What are we even applauding, this is kind of weird.

Phil: *bursts into song*
I'd given up hope that someone would come along
A fellow who'd ring the bell for once, not the gong
The kind who wins trophies, won't settle for low fees
At least semi-pro fees but no, I get the greenhorn
I've been out to pasture pal, my ambition gone
Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn
But you need an adviser, a satyr but wiser
A good merchandiser and ooh, there goes my ulcer

Hercules: …Can you stop singing and actually train me?

Phil: Maybe later.

Experiment 626: Meega, nala KWEESTA! *laughs maniacally*

Peter Pan: *bursts into song*
If I were a very ordinary
Ev'ry day thing
I'd never be heard cock-a-doodling
'Round like a bird, so…
Naturally *crows*
When I discover the cleverness of a remarkable me, *crows*
How can I hide it
When deep down inside it just tickles me so
That I've gotta let go and crow!

Tinker Bell: *rolls her eyes at the fact that she has to put up with this bullshit*

Donald and Goofy: We’re still in the game, stop pretending we aren’t!

ShieldEcho: No.

Master Ecivresnaf: I am actually fucking dead. Unless they find some way to bring me back in KHIII which I would not put it past them.

Terra: Help me, I’m exploding.

Aqua: Oh, I’m fucked. Proper fucked, in fact.

Ventus: I’m tired. I’m a sleepy baby today. Give me a break.

Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep Title Card: Now wasn’t that special.

~Awright, that means I’m done! Except now I have to do the exact same thing two more times oh fuck this is gonna be annoying...~

Chapter Text

~And now for Aqua because first playable badass female character for the win. Also SAVE ME, COPY-PASTE!~

Stain glass window: IT IS MORNING.

Ventus: I’m standing off to the side, bored out of my mind.

Master Xehanort: Hi, I’m blatantly the villain.

Ventus: Like no way.

Footsteps: Hey.

Ventus: HOLY SHIT. *stands at attention*

Master Eraqus: I have feet. I also look like a badass samurai or something. Also I’m voiced by Mark Hamill and am therefore made entirely of awesome aside from the fact that I’m a brainless idiot. Anyway, today you two will be examined for the Mark of Mastery. It’s not a competition, I just want you to kick each other’s asses. It isn’t a test of wills, but a test of heart, because willpower has nothing to do with achieving your goals. Both of you may pass, or you could both fail, I don’t really care either way. You are, after all, the youngest to try for the Mark in years, and I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint poor old Master Xehanort who has traveled such a long way to watch you. No pressure!

Master Xehanort: Still noticeably evil!

Spoony: Seriously, I mean look at him! He’s like the most obvious villain I’ve ever seen since Ben Kingsley in Prince of Persia! Who would be stupid enough to trust that asshole? *takes drink*

Master Eraqus: He is our honored guest and you shall treat him with the greatest amount of respect possible.

Spoony: *spits out water*

Master Eraqus: *is basically Square backwards with a slight change to make it pronounceable in English, like how Yen Sid is Disney backwards. Eraqus is modeled after Hironobu Sakaguchi, creator of the pretty, pretty franchise that is Final Fantasy. Because of this, I have renamed this character Master Ecivresnaf* Y’all ready for this?

Aqua: …You ever get the weird experience of déjà vu?

Terra: What’re you talking about?

Aqua: I don’t know, it’s just a feeling I’m having right now, it’s strange…

Terra: Meh. Let’s just fail and get it over with.

Master Ecivresnaf: That’s the spirit! *powers up his own Keyblade and summons five balls of light*

Terra: *prepares Earthshaker* So, what, because there’s an odd number, whoever takes out the most wins or something?

Aqua: *prepares Rainfell* Nah, I somehow know they’ll just keep respawning.

Terra: Ah, that makes more sense.

Master Xehanort: How does no one notice me transparently fucking with everything.

Balls of light:Terra and Aqua: …The fuck what.

Master Ecivresnaf: …Okay, something is clearly very very wrong. I will do nothing to stop it and conduct an investigation; instead, I’ll just let my students fail even harder. Should be fun.

Master Xehanort: All according to keikaku.

Terra and Aqua: Meh, we still got this I guess.

One of the balls of not-light: *heads in Ven’s direction*

Terra and Aqua: Ah, shit!

Ventus: Meh. *summons Wayward Wind and destroys it instantly* Guys, what happened to your focus? Fucking concentrate already!

Aqua: But Ven, despite you taking out one of those things instantaneously in one hit when it takes us several seconds of chasing it around and hitting it multiple times to destroy one, I’m still convinced you’re an incompetent baby kid! Go to your room, tiny child person!

Ventus: Uh-uh, I’m watching you two become masters and that’s final! And also maybe Master Ecivresnaf will consider me for mastery if I do well here…

Master Ecivresnaf: What was that impossible scenario that’ll never happen that I couldn’t have just heard because no?

Ventus: Nothing, sir!

Terra: Eh, let him. He’s gonna have to go through his own playthrough of the game anyway, and these things don’t hold back like we always do so it’s way better training for him.

Ventus: What he said!

Aqua: Okay, fine, but only because neither of the masters are calling it off in any case.

Master Ecivresnaf: SPILL BLOOD ALREADY!

Aqua: Huh, I seem to be a touch slower than Ven was. Maybe they actually want me to rely on magic or something, that would seem to make sense. *uses THUNDER! It’s super effective!*

Terra and Ventus: *pass out at least once*

Aqua: Fuck, I told Ven he wasn’t ready for this…Damn it, too bad phoenix downs don’t exist…Yo, Master, shouldn’t Terra at least be disqualified for dying or whatever?

Master Ecivresnaf: Probably. And frankly both of you should also be disqualified since someone else transparently interrupted their session. At the very least I should be helping the person who is not yet skilled enough to take this exam…Eh, I don’t really care all that much. *goes back to playing UX* This is getting increasingly pay-to-win and I am annoyed.

Aqua: I KILLED THE LAST ONE WITHOUT EVER DYING I’M THE BEST AND TOTALLY DESERVE THIS PROMOTION.

Terra and Ventus: WE’RE MAGICALLY ALIVE NOW!

Aqua: *through gritted teeth* Ven…

Ventus: Hey, I remember living and you dying!

Aqua: Riiiiiight. I don’t believe you.

Ventus: See what I’m doing is not telling the truth but if I say it in a convincing manner, then we’re all good.

Aqua: Why do I bother with you.

Ventus: Because you love me.

Aqua: Ah, ‘s true.

Master Ecivresnaf: That happened. And I decided to let that happen to test how you’d react to the thing happening because I’m a huge dick. Now, time for the next round. I sure hope you guys’ve truly become close friends over the years!

Terra and Aqua: We sure have!

Master Ecivresnaf: Excellent! ‘Cause now you gotta try and kill each other.

Ventus: Ah shit, they’re not gonna be happy about tha—

Terra and Aqua: AW YEAH, LET’S DO THIS SHIT!

Ventus: …I’ve been wrong before.

Master Ecivresnaf: Okay, as you’re about to murder one of the people most important to you in your life, remember that no matter what happens, you’re both losers and will always be losers and it’s just a matter of which of you loses more. Now DO THE THING!

Aqua: Yeah, now I actually get to fight this shitlord, this is the best day of my life!

Terra and Aqua: *begin a sick fighting cutscene*

Aqua: …Well at least I’m easily dominating the fight. *is easily dominating the fight*

Terra: Shit, she’s easily dominating the fight. *summons some dark energy in his hand* …Nah, I wanna win this fairly. *cancels the attack*

Master Xehanort: Dayum I want that body.

Master Ecivresnaf: When did Orochimaru get here.

Ventus: No, don’t fade to black, I wanna see the rest of this!

Master Ecivresnaf: Tough, we’re done now. And we’re gonna let Aqua continue to be a glass ceiling-breaking badass while Terra has to go back to basics.

Aqua: YEAH SON — I mean that’s such a shame.

Master Ecivresnaf: Terra, you were about to use the darkness within you, but you realized that this would be a very bad idea and swiftly quenched the notion. THIS MEANS YOU FAILED TO KEEP IT IN CHECK. So…try again next year, I guess, whatever.

Terra: Didja ever consider that by not promoting me you are in fact further nurturing the darkness within me, specifically the kind born from envy?

Master Ecivresnaf: I — Hmm…

Master Xehanort: *starts to leave*

Master Ecivresnaf: Aqua, since you’ve gotten a promotion, you gotta learn new shit, mostly boring bureaucratic garbage that we all have to know and rarely apply. Stick around, I’ll be right back. *fucks off*

Aqua: Hey, thanks for making me feel shitty about my hard-earned promotion, asshat.

Ventus: She is a better character than you and you know it.

Terra: Apparently this was the first time the darkness even made an appearance, which was not cool at all.

Camera: *moves to follow Master Xehanort instead*

Master Xehanort: So what did you think of Ventus?

Vanitas: *holding his helmet on his hip* Who gives a fuck? Unless he gets some real experience, he’ll never amount to shit. And since we know he’s never gonna be allowed off-planet, I could beat the shit out of him right here and now—

Master Xehanort: No you won’t. I have to keep up the appearance of being entirely fucking evil and miraculously no one notices.

Spoony: What the fuck is wrong with all of you?! What do you need?! Some gigantic thunderclap whenever he enters the room?! See, this is what I’m talking about! These characters are either insane or so hopelessly stupid that they deserve to lose to a villain this transparently evil!

Vanitas: Whatever. *puts his helmet back on* So I’ll just make him leave the planet on his own, then. Shouldn’t be too hard. I’ve got a cunning plan…

Aqua: Seriously, are you gonna conglaturate me on my hard-earned promotion or what? We’re not gonna have another badass female character for another ten years, and no one will even remember her so really it’ll be eleven years until Mulan is ruined!

Terra: Neither of you are helping and I am leaving now. *leaves now*

Ventus: …Well I wanna conglaturate you but he just made me feel like shit.

Aqua: Me too.

Ventus: …I’m gonna go mope in my room.

Aqua: I’m gonna wait for Master Ecivresnaf.

Master Ecivresnaf: I AM MAGICALLY HERE NOW!

Aqua: Oh joy.

Master Ecivresnaf: So now to go over the sexual harassment policies…

Aqua: Oh great.

Bells: *start ringing*

Aqua: …So that definitely means something bad, then?

Master Ecivresnaf: Actually, that’s just my ringtone that I made audible everywhere in the castle in case I was in a different room, excuse me. *goes behind the chairs to the pink flashing light*

Terra: *runs up to Aqua* What the fuck just happened?

Aqua: Iunno. And why isn’t Ven here?

Terra: ‘Cause he’s in his room? It takes a while to come down from there; anything could happen in that time.

Aqua: Good point.

Master Ecivresnaf: Righty-ho, I’ll get my kids to do it, I don’t really feel like it.

Pink crystal: *is completely silent*

Master Ecivresnaf: No, I don’t know how I’m the only one who can hear what you’re saying either. Laterz.

Pink crystal: *stops glowing*

Terra and Aqua: *immediately stand at attention*

Master Ecivresnaf: So that was Noiti Sopxe. He’s retired, but sometimes he gets bored and checks shit out for me, and hasn’t been wrong yet so we kind of have to listen to him. So he psychically knows that the Princesses of Heart are all in danger now, since their movie plots have all begun roughly simultaneously. Well, like four of them anyway, another one will still be kidnapped offscreen within the next ten years, and then there’s the other two, but why bother going to their planets at this point. Especially since they’re all like five and eight and not even conceived yet, holy shit, I just realized. Then again, another of them’s four so I don’t even know. Anyway, they’re all being attacked by a new type of enemy that’s really the oldest type of enemy considering this is a fucking prequel but shut up we’re calling them Unversed and you gotta deal with it. So…go out and murder them, I guess? Since that’s kind of your jobs or whatever?

Terra: Are you gonna be helping us?

Master Ecivresnaf: Pfft, no! Although I did try to get Master Xehanort to take on some of your grunt work as well, since who better than a man who looks like his back is fucking broken, but he hasn’t been answering any of my calls that I haven’t fucking made yet since I just got this news right now, right in front of you, why am I even claiming that I talked to the guy about this. Anyway, I may or may not be blaming him for this shit for reasons I refuse to tell you about.

Terra: Don’t worry about Master Xenahort, I literally just saw him like thirty seconds ago—

Master Ecivresnaf: No, he’s actually off-planet, though, and I don’t know where he went.

Terra: Oh.

Master Ecivresnaf: So yeah, go forth and do the thing I guess. Outer space is now referred to as the Lanes Between but we’re just gonna keep calling it fucking space so you’ll forget this term the instant you leave this room. If you go to space, you’ll be able to go to other planets. A revolutionary idea, I know. And you’ll be able to use your badass armor to not only breathe in space but protect you from darkness and other shit…Wow, I wonder if the Organization XIII cloaks are made from a similar material. Huh, that’s something to ponder…Oh, and the Prime Directive currently dictates that you cannot tell anyone that you are from other planets, but you’re evidently allowed to interfere in the affairs of said planets as much as you want. That’ll probably change within the next ten years, but for now you can basically do whatever you want.

Terra and Aqua: Aye, aye, sir!

Terra: *starts to leave*

Aqua: …Why aren’t I starting to leave, I wonder.

Master Ecivresnaf: Terra, hold up. If you don’t fuck this up, you might be eligible for a field promotion.

Terra: Really?!

Master Ecivresnaf: Hell yeah! You are all my childrens! If I could, I’d make every single one of you, Ventus included, masters right the fuck now, I don’t care that you’re all only level one! But Ventus is never gonna be made a master no matter what because of reasons, and all you care about is winning all the time. Not everything is a fucking competition, you know. Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.

Aqua: *clears throat* Um, Master? Load of crap biggest ever heard I is that?

Master Ecivresnaf: Shut up.

Terra: I’ll work on that, yeah? While I’ll soon become obsessed with winning all the shit in the Mirage Arena and most other mini-games and, indeed, the entire fucking game?

Aqua: I think he means that you can also realize that while you’re not yet strong enough to defeat the harder bosses in the Mirage Arena, you can still use it to level up while you work on a strategy to defeat them.

Master Ecivresnaf: Sure, go with that.

Terra: Sweet, I won’t let you down again. *leaves*

Master Ecivresnaf: Yes you will.

Aqua: I guess I should go too. *starts to leave*

Ventus: AH SHIT I NEED TO GO AFTER TERRA! *runs past Aqua* HI AQUA!

Aqua: Hi, Ven.

Ventus: BYE AQUA!

Aqua: Bye Ven.

Master Ecivresnaf: Aqua, hold up.

Aqua: Aren’t I your equal now? Shouldn’t you be addressing me as Master Aqua, as your equal?

Master Ecivresnaf: Shut up, I have another secret mission for you, off the books.

Aqua: Ooooooh, what is it, what is it? *bounces on the balls of her feet*

Master Ecivresnaf: So I wanted to tell Terra the truth just now about that field promotion, but his evil tendencies have made me pretty much certain that that will never happen unless he makes some serious changes. Mind spying on him for me and see whether or not he’s gonna implode from darkness? ‘Cause if he is you’ll have to bring him back to me pretty quickly so we can sort it out. It is seriously for his own good, I’m not just saying that, I don’t want any of you to implode. Or become possessed by an evil maniacal maniac bent on universal domination, though what are the odds of that happening.

Aqua: Well when you put it like that I apparently have no choice. I’ll bring him back here…and when I do, you’ll see that he’s worthy for a field promotion. Or I’ll just let him slip away once he makes me feel bad for spying on him, whichever. *stares at stain glass window* Dayum that’s gorgeous, I wish we could go the fuck inside this place more often so we can look at pretty shit like this. Still, I wish the master would stop treating all of us like weak little poo-babbies, especially now that I’m literally his fucking colleague. *walks outside*

Ventus: How were you right behind me this whole time.

Aqua: Time passes strangely in this game, I guess. *watches Terra walking away from Ven*

Terra: *activates his armor by punching his shoulder armor thing with his fist* Oh yeah, who looks sick awesome? I look sick awesome.

Ventus: Are you just gonna do that thing where you act like a cool guy and everyone’s like, “You are not cool. Why are you being cool.”

Terra: Probably. *raises Earthshaker which shoots out a beam of light into the sky, creating a portal, jumps onto a space motorcycle, and blasts into space*

Ventus: …I JUST REALIZED THAT I HAD SO MUCH TIME TO JUST SHOUT WHAT I WANTED TO SAY AT HIM WHILE HE WAS LEAVING SO MAYBE HE WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT. FUCK. *smacks his own shoulder pad thing and activates his own awesome-tastic armor for evidently the first time*

Aqua: Oh this is probably a very bad thing. *runs down the stairs* DON’T DO IT, SHITLORD!

Ventus: TOO LATE, BITCH! *flies out on his space hoverboard*

Master Ecivresnaf: *suddenly runs up next to Aqua* Aw, fuck nuggets.

Ventus: YEAH SPACE PORTAL! *takes Terra’s space portal into space*

Master Ecivresnaf: Aqua, you have no idea how important it is that Ven be returned to this planet.

Aqua: Because he’s too young, right?

Master Ecivresnaf: Sure, fine, whatever.

Aqua: Done and done. *taps her own elbow pad armor to create armor that’s actually semi-practical for a female character to have in a video game, throws Rainfell into the air to create some kind of controllable space platform that can fly in space, and flies into the space portal that Terra created*

Ventus: We just D-linked somehow!

Terra: Likewise!

Aqua: Aww, we’re all still connected!

~If I have to watch the same thing over and over, you guys have to read the same thing over and over.~

Chapter Text

~WE ARE NOW IN SPACE SHIT CAN ACTUALLY START TO HAPPEN NOW!~

Aqua: Ooooh, what’s this Command Board option thing do?

~…Or not…~

Aqua: *breezes through the tutorial section* Fuck you, I know this shit.

Terra and Ventus: HEY AQUA!

Aqua: HEY GUYS! You’re here too, huh?

Terra: Looks like!

Aqua: This is nice, this’ll be like we’re actually hanging out together! I know we do in the prologue but apart from that one section and a couple of shared flashbacks our friendship is always told rather than shown. This’ll be some fun, tangible interaction with each other!

Ventus: Sweet. So the game’s giving you the option to go first, but I think you should switch it up so—

Aqua: *decides to go first so she can have the clear advantage*

Ventus: …Shit.

Terra: Why am I always fucking last?!

~Three hours later…~

Terra: YEAH I’M IN THE LEAD!

Aqua: And now I’m in the lead and am heading for the Start Panel because I have the bare minimum needed to win.

Terra: No, Aqua! We’re friends! We’re best friends!

Aqua: There’s not a single thing you’ve ever done for me.

Terra: …I think I got you movie tickets once!

Aqua and Ventus: *laugh*

Aqua: *chooses to land on the Start Panel* AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! I win.

Terra: Yeah, by being a total scumbag.

Ventus: Well yeah, pure scumbag tactics are the only way to win.

Aqua: I didn’t win; you lost! I thought that I would lose, but you’re the loser.

Terra: I lost.

Aqua: *exits the command board* I am so fucking good at this game by now…OH YEAH PLOT! *heads to the Castle of Dreams*

~...So in the time it took for Aqua to get from the Land of Departure to the Castle of Dreams, Ven and Jaq managed to fix Cinderella's dress (only to have it destroyed by her step sisters), Terra met with Cinderella and fought off some Unversed, met her fairy god mother, protected Cinderella on her way to the ball, and fought off some more Unversed as well as a powerful Unversed. And this was Ventus’s second planet and officially Terra’s third. Geez, Aqua's off to a slow start despite the much faster Command Board session.~

Castle of Dreams title card: Oh, we’re starting off directly in the Great Hall this time. I remember it being bigger and with more soldiers.

Aqua: This is pretty. Huh, did I get here right at midnight?

Duke: Madmoiselle! Señorita! Hold the fucking phone, would you?!

Cinderella: I don’t know what a phone is. Also no. *runs off*

Duke: Shit, shit, shiiit…

Aqua: That happened.

Terra: YO, DAWG!

Aqua: HAY, GURL!

Terra: Hang on, I’m gonna run all the way down to meet you without jumping over shit or taking any shortcuts available to me!

Aqua: And I’m not even gonna meet you halfway even though I have urgent news!

Terra: What good partners we make! Now what’s this urgent news?

Aqua: Ven fucked off.

Terra: …Well that’s not good.

Aqua: No it isn’t. I think he left to find you possibly maybe it’s not a hundred percent clear.

Terra: You mean that when he ran up to me and looked really upset about something and seemed like he wanted to talk to me about it, I should’ve stayed and listened? NOW YOU’RE JUST TALKING CRAZY TALK!

Aqua: YOU’RE RIGHT, WHAT WAS I THINKING?! Oh yeah, Master Xehanort, you find his ass yet or what?

Terra: A magic mirror told me exactly where to look for him, so I came to this planet instead of going where it told me to.

Aqua: Makes sense.

Terra: Figured out his motive, though! He’s looking for pure hearts filled with light. Which I totally found on this very planet but that’s not important right now.

Aqua: But Ven was already at the Land of Departure!

Terra: Female hearts.

Aqua: …A creepy old man seemingly after barely adult/adolescent women…Nope, nothing suspicious about that!

Terra: I agree. And he’s not here at any rate; in fact, I’m just about done with this planet except for leveling and coming back to find items and shit.

Aqua: Okay, but I’m gonna stay here and see if I find anything you missed.

Terra: What, you don’t trust me?

Aqua: …There might have been something you missed, like I said, and four eyes are better than two.

Terra: How can four eyes be better than two, there are a couple of sections of the castle you won’t even be able to go into because you don’t feel like it! How can you do a decent sweep of this planet if the game doesn’t even allow you to go everywhere?!

Aqua: There’s still one house you won’t be able to go into, even if I’m not there for very long!

Terra: …Okay, fair enough. Hey, how ‘bout you talk to the prince of this planet up in the ballroom at the top of the stairs? He might be able to tell you something, considering he’s royalty and I don’t think the actual king appears in-game.

Aqua: Sweet.

Terra: Wait, before I go…Do you still have the same dream?

Aqua: …Not really, I mean I’ve already become a Keyblade Master. Now I guess I just want to be the best Master I can be. And of course I hope one day you and Ven will be standing beside me, but that’s up to you two to achieve it; I can only help so much from the sidelines.

Terra: Well, there’s this girl—

Aqua: I immediately ship it.

Terra: No, I think she’s with someone else and anyway that’s not what I was talking about.

Aqua: Riiiiiiiiiight. I don’t believe you.

Terra: Aqua, I’m serious. This girl — young woman, really — made me realize that if you wait around long enough and start crying on a bench somewhere, a magical fairy will appear and make all your problems go away!

Aqua: …Wut.

Terra: A powerful enough dream will always keep the darkness at bay, no matter how many bodies you have to step over to get there!

Aqua: Yes, if you’re in a horrible situation, just wishing for things to get better will totally make it happen.

Terra: Exactly!

Aqua: You’re like a stupid cat. Except you smell worse.

Terra: Anyway, if you see her, tell her I said hi.

Aqua: Sure, whatever. *watches Terra leave* I guess he’s just too much of an idiot to let the darkness truly affect him. That’s nice. *doesn’t bother to go where the plot told her to go and goes outside where there’s a save point before she is immediately set upon by Unversed and the save point disappears* Well shit, at least this is the easiest level so they won’t be too difficul— *is instantly killed and has to soft reset* …Well I’m not doing that Command Board shit again. *goes instantly to the planet, skips over her conversation with Terra, and tries again* Okay, I’ve managed to make the save point reappear and have saved here now, this should be much easie— *dies again and soft resets again* …Do I have to keep saving every time I kill five of these fuckers or— *yes, yes you do* Why’d I have to play on Critical like an idio— *this was not smart* Well at least Spellweaver’s coming in handy like whoa. OKAY LEVEL FIFTEEN THAT’S FINE LET’S MOVE ON HERE. *goes back up to palace*

Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella: WE ARE WALKING.

Aqua: *coming from the opposite direction* …WOW the women of this world have huge asses…

Unversed symbol: *flashes in Aqua’s brain as she passes*

Duke: *runs by Aqua*

Aqua: YO, WHO WERE THOSE BITCHES.

Duke: Well I suppose I can take time away from my royal emergency to answer some random civilian’s questions! The old bitch is Lady Tremaine — no one likes her — and her daughters, Anastasia and Drizella — no one likes them either.

Aqua: HOLY SHIT I CAN ACTUALLY THINK TO MYSELF IN MY OWN MIND PALACE WITHOUT ACTUALLY TALKING OUT LOUD. And I’m pretty sure at least one of them was a huge villain.

Prince…dude…guy…He was never fucking named, I don’t know: MY BELOVED HAS RETURNED!

Aqua: …Wha?

Prince…His name was Thomas in Once Upon A Time, let’s go with that: Oh, sorry, you had blue hair and are wearing a gray backless tank top with a pink criss-cross thing over your chest that's possibly plot-relevant in some obscure fashion and would probably cover your nipples adequately if you weren’t wearing the gray backless tank top, white sleeve things with armor on them, a black corset with white strings, black tight athletic shorts, really long black stockings, some weird blue skirt things that are on either side of your waist and go to about mid-shin that have to constantly get in the way and get tangled up as you fight, a white belt that looks more like a silk scarf thing, and metal boots with blades on them. THAT IS TOTALLY IDENTICAL TO MY BLONDE-HAIRED GIRLFRIEND WITH THE WHITE HEADBAND THING AND THE BLACK COLLAR AND THE WHITE POOFY SPARKLY DRESS THING THAT IN GOOGLE IMAGES ALWAYS TURNS OUT TO BE BLUISH FOR SOME REASON AND THE REALLY LONG WHITE GLOVES AND THE WHITE PETTICOAT OR WHATEVER AND THE GLASS SLIPPERS. You can understand my confusion.

Aqua: …Riiiiight…I don’t believe you.

Duke: Dude, check this shit out.

Prince Thomas: A glass slipper? She was wearing those? That’s got to be insanely impractical.

Duke: In this version, it’s my idea to track down the woman you love via shoe-fitting!

Aqua: Or you could ask around for her by name.

Prince Thomas: Oh no, I don’t know her name. We just started dancing and didn’t even introduce ourselves or speak. Perfect people rarely need to do that. Heh, you know, she didn’t even realize I was the prince, we were so clueless about each other!

Aqua: …Yep, it must be twue wuv.

Prince Thomas: Exactly!

Aqua: Oy vey.

Prince Thomas: Actually, wouldn’t it be smarter to just take me along with you so I can identify her by sight? Do we really have to do this glass shoe business?

Duke: Your Highness, with all due respect, you just thought this blue-haired young lady was the blonde you just fell for.

Prince Thomas: …Okay, fair enough.

Duke: Your off-screen father has been so over the moon that you’re finally going to give him grandchildren — I-I mean settle down with a nice woman that he immediately ordered me to shoe-fit everyone in the kingdom! And I will start with the closest residence that, if you actually look at the illustration at the beginning of the movie, is actually the farthest residence: that of Lady Tremaine. Should take me all night of trying other feet to get there, don’t wait up.

Prince Thomas: Okay, I’ll just stay behind and jerk off or something.

Aqua: Lovely. And now I have an inner monologue going, probably because I realize it’s kind of dumb to say everything out loud all the time when there’s nobody there. I SHOULD VISIT THE PROBABLE VILLAINS AND SEE WHAT’S UP. *runs right past the Unversed because fuck and heads through the clearing to Lady Tremaine’s manor or whatever and sees the Duke going through the front door*

Lady Tremaine: You honor our humble home, my lord.

Duke: Bitch you live in a mansion.

Lady Tremaine: Check out my spawn. Gorgeous, aren’t they?

Duke: That sure is a word. Can’t say it’s not a word.

Aqua: Oh yeah, evilness all up in this bitch. *summons Rainfell*

Fairy Godmother: Don’t even think about it!

Aqua: …The hell?

Fairy Godmother: *sparkles into existence* It’s dangerous to fight the darkness with light, my dear!

Aqua: But…But that’s what we’ve been doing for like five games now!

Fairy Godmother: I don’t care, you’re doing it wrong.

Aqua: Uh-huh, and are you a Keyblade Master? ‘Cause I admit I’m only a young girl who knows little in the ways of war, but I have trained under others who have been ordering me all my life that that’s exactly how we fight the darkness. And unless you have a similar résumé, I’m probably not gonna listen to a single thing you have to say.

Fairy Godmother: And yet I always appear to those who believe that dreams come true!

Aqua: …Slan?

Fairy Godmother: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, I AM NOT A MEMBER OF THE GOD HAND!

Aqua: Riiiiiiight. I don’t believe you.

Fairy Godmother: Shut up.

Aqua: No, you never answered my question. Why shouldn’t I fight the darkness with light?

Fairy Godmother: Because the brighter the light, the bigger the shadow.

Aqua: Everything kept in balance, yes, and when the darkness proves to be too much, we drown it out with light.

Fairy Godmother: You’ve seen how Anastasia and Drizella are ugly as shit? And how Cinderella’s fucking gorgeous? They’re so jealous of that beauty that they’ve turned evil.

Aqua: …So basically you’re saying that ugliness equals darkness and therefore evilness, while beauty equals light and therefore goodness?

Fairy Godmother: Exactly, my dear!

Aqua: …Have, uh, have you ever even played a SquareEnix title before in your life? Or a SquareSoft game? Or a Square game? Nearly every single villain is nice to look at. INCLUDING IN THIS FRANCHISE. Except for Master Xehanort, he’s kind of old. And Xaldin, I never liked him. Every other original character in this series? I’d hit every single one of them. With a truck for the most part, to be sure, but still, they fine.

Fairy Godmother: BEAUTY IS GOOD AND UGLINESS IS EVIL AND NOTHING YOU SAY WILL CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE!

Aqua: How ‘bout how you’re no prize. Like, at all. So I guess you must be evil and I should no longer listen to you.

Fairy Godmother: Now follow my instructions—

Aqua: I already told you, no!

Fairy Godmother: One of Cinderella’s little mouse friends is trying very hard to save Cinderella from a lifetime of continued emotional abuse and neglect. Since for some reason Ven’s not around to help out even though he keeps returning to the planet all the fucking time for leveling and item-farming purposes, I want to shrink you to the size of a mouse so you can help an actual mouse.

Aqua: Or you could help, if you’re so invested in Cinderella’s future and are, in fact, her Fairy Godmother. It’s like if Sirius were actually free but was still determined to have Harry never see him for some idiotic reason so he still leaves him with the Dursleys while occasionally sending him shiny and expensive material goods to pretend he still cares! You don’t actually give a shit about Cinderella at all, do you?!

Fairy Godmother: We need to do this soon in order to prevent Cinderella from losing hope and before Lady Tremaine thinks up some clever plot to have one of her own daughters marry the prince instead even though he’ll take one look at her and see that she’s not the one. The butler dude might leave at any moment and poor Cinderella will never have a chance to make her dreams come true. So you just take your time and fight as many Unversed as you want and level up a bit or look for any treasure chests you may have missed, then come back and see me when you’re ready to move the plot along.

Aqua: OKAY. *does those things for several hours before finally deciding to move the plot forward*

Fairy Godmother: Luckily time apparently stopped or some shit while you were doing that. Reducio! I-I mean, Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!

Aqua: Such a weird Dragonball Z arc, that was… *shrinks and floats into the only open window in the whole house apparently*

Jaq: *pulling along a giant key that’s not a Keyblade* Thank Merlin Ven dealt with Lucifer. Or Bruno did. Iunno, the cat’s dead either way and that’s all I need to know.

Aqua: Thank Merlin for fucking subtitles, Christ with this guy. Yo, need a hand?

Jaq: Probably. So Cinderella’s bitch of a stepmother locked her in her room, could you believe that? I need to let her out now, before it’s too late!

Aqua: Aren’t most rooms able to be opened from the inside, though?

Jaq: Mid-to-late 1800s, who knows how shit works.

Aqua: Oh yeah. Jaq, don’t worry about that stupid key, I have a key that can pretty much unlock any lock, we’re fine.

Jaq: Hey, that looks just like Ven’s, only more practical!

Aqua: You know Ven? Oh, I’m Aqua, by the way.

Jaq: We became pretty decent friends once he learned to forever rely on subtitles. He’s always in and out of here training and item farming, except for the one time I need him of course, some friend he is…Still, he helped fix Cinderella’s dress, so I guess that’s something…

Aqua: Did he say what he was doing?

Jaq: Looking for some guy named Terra?

Aqua: And he was too small and couldn’t leave the house…I get it. He must’ve planet-hopped again, then.

Drizella: THIS IS WHY I TELL YOU NEVER TO PUT IT IN THE DRYER, THIS SHIT ALWAYS SHRINKS!

Lady Tremaine: Quick, cut off your toes!

Duke: Ew, no. The next young lady, please?

Lady Tremaine: Quick, cut off your heel!

Duke: Without the foot mutilation, if you please!

Anastasia: Aww…

Jaq: Okay we need to move now!

Unversed: Or…

Jaq: Ah shit.

Aqua: Jaq, you can drop the key, I have this key! *holds up Rainfell*

Jaq: The game won’t succumb to logic like that! You have to defend me so I can get to the mouse hole in time!

Aqua: I think I might hate this planet. *kills all the Unversed that try to attack Jaq*

Jaq: Thank you! *pisses off*

Aqua: And now to somehow get to an area that Ven will never be able to go! *jumps onto the banister to get downstairs*

Duke: I could’ve sworn that the messenger I’m actually with in the movie notified me that there was a blonde woman that used to answer the door. Are you sure there aren’t any other young women here?

Lady Tremaine: NOPE!

Duke: Disobeying a royal order means you get your eyes picked out by pigeons, you know.

Lady Tremaine: Still nope!

Duke: If you say so…

Aqua: Okay, either Jaq has to hurry or Cinderella has to scream like a banshee. Any time for either would be preferable.

Duke: I AM LEAVING.

Aqua: …Hey I wonder if I suddenly have Ant-Man powers. TIME TO PUNCH A HUMAN WITH THE FORCE OF A BULLET! *grows back to normal size* …You know what, fuck that Fairy bitch. *falls down the stairs*

Duke: That looked like it hurt.

Aqua: Nah, there’s never any fall damage in these games — U-Uh, I mean, I’m not breaking and entering or anything!

Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella: Yes you are.

Duke: It kind of looks like you are.

Aqua: …I WANNA TRY ON THE SHOE.

Duke: …No, that’s not how it works. The point is that we find the one that the prince wants to marry, and he already established that it isn’t you.

Aqua: I thought you said that every eligible young maiden had to try it on, and if not we get our eyes pecked out.

Duke: That’s a good point.

Lady Tremaine: Excuse me, are we just going to gloss over the fact that she’s just been caught red-handed breaking and entering into my home?!

Anastasia: She’s probably here to rob us!

Aqua: Not rob! Robbing involves threatening! If anything, I’d burgle!

Drizella: And thank you for admitting it in front of all these witnesses!

Lady Tremaine: Shouldn’t you arrest her or something? At least take points off for indecent exposure! Look at how naked she is; she’s actually showing leg skin! Who does that?!

Duke: Meh, current royal decree overrules petty arrest warrant. Or something. Here’s the shoe!

Aqua: …Fuck, what if it actually fits. Hurry up, you fucking mouse!

Duke: Bitch hurry it up!

Aqua: Hold on, do you have any idea how hard it is to take these boots off?

Cinderella: TIMING!

Lady Tremaine: …Well fuck.

Cinderella: I WANNA TRY ON THE SHOE. *starts coming down the stairs*

Lady Tremaine: There’s absolutely no reason to pay any attention to this child!

Cinderella: Bitch I’m nineteen.

Duke: Indubitably, I have deduced that you are a bitch. Therefore, it’s definitely pigeon eye-pecking for both you and your daughters. Also she’s the only blonde in the kingdom, that’s at least a forty-three percent chance she’s the one we’re looking for!

Aqua: Hang on, let me help you down this one step that you can’t possibly climb down yourself.

Cinderella: Oh, thank you, I am such a helpless Disney princess, after all. *sits down in chair*

Aqua: Terra says hi, by the way.

Cinderella: Who?

Aqua: Tall guy, brown flowy pants, black muscle shirt, big red X across his chest and back, ridiculous hair even for this series?

Cinderella: Oh, him. That’s nice.

Lady Tremaine: *trips Duke and makes him drop the slipper*

Aqua: Oh shit, I never learned reparo…

Duke: Oh, this is terrible! Terrible how we can only settle this with a “shoe fitting” and not any other aspects of her features! Terrible how she never once said her name so that this is the only way we can find her!

Cinderella: Are you victim-blaming me?

Lady Tremaine: Yes.

Duke: No, there’s victim-blaming and then there’s common fucking sense. And also behaving like humans would actually fucking behave.

Cinderella: Oh shut up and take the other shoe that for some reason didn’t magically disappear when the spell broke. *pulls the other slipper right out of her ass*

Lady Tremaine: Curses, foiled again!

Duke: There’s no way to verify that this slipper is the same size as the one that broke, but who cares! Hooray! *makes out with the slipper*

Aqua: …Ew.

Cinderella: *slips her foot into the slipper* Hey, I have toes now! Neat!

Aqua: You mean you didn’t in the original?

Cinderella: Nope!

Aqua: *heavy sigh* Yet another unrealistic expectation for women.

Cinderella: YOU HAVE NATURAL BLUE HAIR.

Jaq: I am loudly cheering and celebrating! IGNORE ME!

Aqua: Oh how I wish I could.

Duke: A perfect fit! It sure is a good thing that she’s the only woman in the entire kingdom with this shoe size! And a talking mouse in the same house! Heh, I made a rhyme. I must inform the prince immediately! Come along, commoner!

Cinderella: M’kay…Hey, if the two of us have a son together, would that make him a Half-Blood Prince?

Duke: HA. But no. Considering that the king has absolutely no problem having his son marry a commoner, I’d say the royal bloodline has been diluted for some time.

Cinderella: I’m still making the joke if it happens.

Duke: But of course.

Drizella: Really? We’re just going to let them go?

Anastasia: Is this, like, the state of affairs today?

Lady Tremaine: Don’t worry, I have a cunning plan.

Aqua: I’m just meandering around outside I guess.

Cinderella: I AM SCREAMING.

Duke: I AM RUNNING AWAY!

Aqua: What now.

Duke: The lady whose name I still don’t know was attacked by a creature that came at us out of the forest! And I just left her there! Boy am I the height of competency!

Aqua: Of course there has to be a boss at the end of each planet, why wouldn’t there be. I’m gonna go back to that evil field.

Duke: What evil field.

Aqua: The field of evil. Time to defeat it with the power of light, you old hag!

Cinderella: How exactly did you manage to Transfigure an evil pumpkin carriage that can shoot fireballs, anyway? You guys aren’t evil witches or anything, you’re just terrible child-abusing normal people.

Aqua: *covers Cinderella’s body with her own* Wonder how much femslash fics there are of us.

Cinderella: I don’t know, I don’t actually read that much KH stuff aside from a brief stint when KHII came out. Everyone tried to make the Organization into high school students for some reason, I had to stop apart from funny shit.

Aqua: You too, huh?

Lady Tremaine: AHAHAHAHAHAHA how the crap did I just summon that thing.

Drizella and Anastasia: …Mother, you’re scaring us.

Lady Tremaine: Oh who even cares. Now, for the final touch!

Fireball: *falls on them and they explode*

Cinderella: …Did…Did they just explode?

Aqua: Apparently.

Cinderella: Oh their cries are horrible.

Aqua: Yeah well they're over now. Bright side, you’ll be able to see thestrals now!

Cinderella: Actually, I already could after Father died.

Aqua: Ah, Disney…

Cinderella: But…But how will we do the sequels now? As far as Disney sequels go, my third installment wasn’t that shitty!

Aqua: I know, I’m sorry, I really am. Now you piss off while I beat this thing to shit, okay?

Cinderella: You’re the boss, boss! *runs off*

Aqua: No, this is the boss. *kills the Cursed Coach* Every morning I wake up and I relish the fact that I'm not a plant monster.

Prince Thomas: And I guess we immediately transition to me?

Duke: Look who I brought!

Cinderella: I still can’t believe you were the fucking prince this whole time!

Prince Thomas: HUG ME!

Cinderella: OKAY! Wait, why is the camera panning around us?

Prince Thomas: Because we’re just so in love after that one dance!

Cinderella: Okay…

Duke: YAY THE KING WON’T CUT MY HEAD OFF NOW!

Aqua: *sitting on the fountain* Well that’s vaguely horrifying.

Fairy Godmother: Thank you for doing all my hard work for me, my dear!

Aqua: So she has a pure heart filled with light, and she was attacked by a creature of darkness, which I destroyed before it could murder her. It’s almost as if darkness used for purposes such as murder and other horrible things should be done the fuck away with.

Fairy Godmother: You’re still too young to understand. Do more shit and you’ll find the real answer.

Aqua: Why, I already know it’s gonna be friendship. Which is light magic.

Fairy Godmother: I can tell you believe in your dreams every bit as much as Cinderella. Promise me you’ll never stop dreaming, dear. Just trust in your dreams, okay?

Aqua: What, the one I’ve already achieved? I am now a Keyblade Master. Yes I understand that I still have to work hard if I want to keep that title and there’s still so much I have to learn, but…mission basically accomplished.

Fairy Godmother: YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW.

Aqua: Shut up, Slan.

~Aqua and Ventus evidently get the same new Keyblades. That’s…That’s kind of lame.~

Chapter Text

~This is gonna be the spiel every time I play this game up to this point from now on.~

Aqua: *immediately heads to the Mirage arena and makes her armor a nice teal color* And now for dumb bullshit. *goes through every part of the arena she can without ragequitting, including the Command Board sections and the Rumble Racing* Okay, bored now, time for plot.

~Amazing how nearly four hours of gameplay can be summed up so easily.~

Snow White: You know, I bet you purposefully never taught me about stranger danger just so this could actually happen one day. *backs up against the wall*

Evil Queen: I’m not even gonna tell you about the part where this is a magic wishing apple, I’m just trying to peer pressure you into eating it by shoving it in your face and cackling in a fashion that is clearly evil. *puts the apple into her hands and starts wringing her own* Go on! It’s just poison!

Snow White: Well in that case, I’m sure that eating something that was given to me by a person who I was backing away from in terror just two seconds ago will be perfectly all right. Nom. This tastes like the fakest piece of non-food I’ve eaten in a while. Also why am I coughing up blood.

Apple: And why can’t we show her dying onscreen, she’d just be falling over, this is lame and ironically way more sinister-seeming.

Evil Queen: Finally, Daniel will be avenged — I mean now I’ll be fairest in the land. Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh…

~Was that spell to turn Regina into a hag ever mentioned as being reversible in the original?~

Aqua: …The first thing I see when arriving at this new planet is a fucking funeral scene. BRILLIANT! *approaches the dwarves gathered around Snow White’s glass coffin* Who died and how, I guess.

Doc: Snow White and poison.

Aqua: That sucks. Aww, she was only fourteen, that makes it sadder somehow.

Doc: She was so adorbs…

Bashful: And she’d sing for us…

Happy: We were always so happy when she was around…

Sleepy: She’d tell us stories before bedtime…

Sneezy: …I’m gonna be honest here, her warbling voice whenever she’d go on and on about a prince she spent five minutes with was kind of grating.

Grumpy: Oh thank Christ I wasn’t the only one thinking that. But I did like how she’d kiss us all before we left for work.

Aqua: So are you all relatives, or…?

Happy: No, we were all perfect strangers to her.

Aqua: So was this like an old folks home that she was in charge of? Because frankly I don’t want to think of any alternatives. That others already have. And wrote about in comic form. That was then made into a Telltale game. Which I really liked but still, that backstory’s fucking disturbing. *sighs* I guess I’ve involved myself now. How was she poisoned.

Doc: Well we’ve got a monarchy—

Aqua: Oh good, another one of those.

Doc: And the queen is a horrible bitch — I mean, witch. Who’s also a bitch. She was super jelly of Snow White’s youth and beauty and because there was someone prettier than her she obviously had to go. So she used her evil magic to transform herself and become even more hideous.

Aqua: …That sounds kind of dumb.

Doc: You said it. So then she gave Snow White a poisoned apple.

Happy: Well first she tried a lace bodice that choked her and then a poisoned comb whose antidote was to just remove the fucking thing, but I guess this one actually took.

Aqua: Has anyone tried dislodging the apple from her throat?

Happy: Actually yes, nothing doing.

Aqua: So she’s actually dead and we’re all just staring at this dead girl?

Sneezy: And heavily drinking in our grief.

Aqua: That sounds healthy.

Sneezy: Oh it's not, but at least we can choke out some flowery words that we wouldn't have otherwise.

Grumpy: Mostly. Drunk people say stupid shit.

Sleepy: I think I say really amazing, introspective shit, but it's also quite stupid.

Grumpy: Yeah, it's really dumb. The dumbest, smartest thing you've ever said.

Sleepy: Right?

Doc: Supposedly there’s a cure somewhere in the castle, but I might be just pulling stuff outta my ass at this point.

Aqua: So go to the castle, defeat the evil queen, got it.

Grumpy: Actually, we kinda already knocked her off a cliff. Well, lightning did, but still, vultures already got to her. So the castle should actually be pretty deserted by now, meaning there’s no danger in my going.

Doc: You’ll never make it! Never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it! Don’t you see, you can’t make it!

Grumpy: What makes you say that?

Doc: The part where the castle’s still probably crawling with monsters and magic and traps and the occasional floating sticker for some reason and monsters disguised as treasure chests and other similar shit.

Aqua: Okay, okay, I get the gist, I’ll go.

Sneezy: But you’re just a feeble woman!

Aqua: Oh right, this was made in the fucking thirties. Meh, still going.

Doc: So we don’t have to do nuthin’? Okay, we can work with that.

Dwarf Woodlands title card: Stiiiiill gonna just go with the Snow White section, aren’t ya?

Grumpy: If’n yer goin’ to that castle, watch out for them monsters!

Aqua: M’kay.

Sneezy: A-a-achoo! I miss her hot body — SOUP, meant soup, it helped my hay fever…

Aqua: SHE. WAS. FOUR. TEEN.

Sneezy: Eligible marrying age, yes.

Aqua: Gross.

Doc: I sure miss her dapple lumpkins — uh, lumple dapplins — uh, beautiful boobies — APPLE DUMPLINGS, why can’t I talk grammar good.

Aqua: Sounds like a case of dyslexia. And also horrible creepy old man shit.

Bashful: Gosh, I’d wash my hands every day if she’d come back to us.

Aqua: …That’s your big contribution.

Bashful: Well there’s no way I’m gonna stop masturbating!

Aqua: And I’m trying to help her return to you, great.

Dopey: ELLIPSIS.

Aqua: I agree.

Sleepy: I miss her bedtime stories even though judging my the white beard I’m probably in my sixties or something and really should’ve outgrown such things because if you like anything even remotely childlike in your adult years then you’re seen as a worthless piece of humanity.

Aqua: Yeah, it sucks, doesn’t it…

Happy: I miss seeing her sweet smile. It sure was pretty. God, I wanted to kiss that mouth…

Aqua: …Okay, all seven of you are kind of obscenely creepy and disturbing and I am leaving now. *leaves now and dicks around in forest and meadow areas for a while till she’s level twenty-four before finally heading to the castle equipped with fire and magnet magic*

Prince…either James or David according to Once…Which also had Charming be a nickname…fuck it, Charming: *staring at the Wishing Well* I will always find you…

Aqua: Cute. Who’s the sentiment for.

Charming: There was a PRINCESS here. She’s gone now. And that means I can’t hear her horrible, nails-on-a-chalkboard voice!

Aqua: I keep hearing that, and now I’m actually kind of curious.

Charming: Was it all just some clichéd movie plot…?

Aqua: How can it be cliché, this was practically the first of its kind.

Charming: That’s…actually kind of a good point. And also probably false.

Aqua: Yeah…We are both talking about Snow White, right?

Charming: Yeah. We’ve met several times after I caught her stealing my mother’s jewelry and we eventually fell in love after a long slog of wacky shenanigans — I mean we only met once for five minutes and I sang her a song and I guess left or something like immediately after. Probably should have stuck around. Oh well, live and learn. *sees Aqua’s face* …Hello? Still with me?

Aqua: …I’m sorry, it’s just that you have an even worse voice actor than I do. Took me aback for a second there.

Charming: I gotta read these lines like a robot before it's too late.

Aqua: Eurgh. Also she’s in a glass coffin made by seven creepy old guys, you should probably get over there pretty fucking fast.

Charming: That indeed sounds potentially problematic. I’m gonna go look for her, hopefully it won’t take more than two seasons to do so. *runs off*

Aqua: That’s cool, I’m gonna run around this castle for a bit. *actually takes the time to backtrack to see if there’s any new dialogue*

Charming: *standing a fair distance away, actually* Can it be true? Her horrible voice is gone forever…

Aqua: You’re not gonna take the body away for no reason other than you find dead girls hot, are you?

Charming: No, she belongs here, though I hate the thought of having to bury such beauty…D’you think a quick, chaste kiss would be too creepy?

Aqua: Not as creepy as some might think but still kind of weird. I mean, if she’d died in your arms and you were still holding her, that’s one thing, but when she’s actually inside the coffin? Less so.

Charming: I’ll keep thinking about it, then.

Aqua: Righty-ho! *goes back to the castle and heads into the creepy basement section, where she murders everything but doesn’t even bother with the puzzle doors to get extra goody-goods, mainly because she actually thought that was progression and wanted to avoid it. Whoops* Aww, I can’t get the sticker just yet! That’s gonna annoy the piss outta me for some time to come. *heads into the room where the Magic Mirror is and stares at said mirror* Yo, we got a reusable boss up in this bitch or what?

Mirror: We sure do!

Aqua: Fuck, it talks! *backflips higher than she’ll ever jump in-game before getting sucked into the mirror just like Terra was. Will be. TIMELINES ARE HARD*

Mirror: *is just the giant mask now* Wait, why am I attacking you? You fine, gurl! With way better hair than that Snow White bitch, and you’re probably actually legal by modern standards to boot, I think! Fuck it, you should be fairest of them all! Your hair is blue! You win!

Aqua: *is bashing the mask in the…face? I guess?* I mean, we can still be equally fair or whatever your standards are, just in different ways—

Mirror: No. There can be only one, apparently!

Aqua: If you say so. So if Regina’s gone, why bother fighting me in the first place?

Mirror: Got bored.

Aqua: Fair enough. MAN it’s hard to hit you sometimes, why you gotta be like this?

Mirror: It entertains me.

Aqua: Uh-huh. *eventually defeats him and pops out of the mirror world again* Man, hope I never have to go through anything like that with mirrors ever again…That wasn’t in the movie, was it? What gives?

Mirror: Iunno, I’ll be in Fabletown if you need me. *fucks off*

Aqua: *puts her hand on the mirror* …Well that was a fantastically-framed battle of wits.

~I love it when we’re automatically transported to the next cutscene.~

Seven dwarves: *are still crying over Snow White* …Sounds like half of us are laughing.

Charming: …Fuck it, I’m gonna do the thing I said I was gonna do. *bends over to kiss Snow White*

Grumpy: You nasty necrophiliac!

Charming: It’s not necrophilia! I’m not having sex with her decaying corpse, I’m just kissing her! Chastely! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

Aqua: There really is. And hey, maybe with this he’ll be able to move on.

Grumpy: …Fair enough.

Charming: *kisses Snow and mourns some more*

Aqua: …What the actual fuck.

Snow White: *stretches and looks around, seeing Charming* You! You found me!

Charming: *smiles* Did you ever doubt I would?

Snow White: *sits up* Truthfully? The glass coffin gave me pause! *allows him to pick her up bridal style*

Seven dwarves: *cart wheeling and shit*

Aqua: …Wait, did I even have to fight the fucking mirror?! All I had to do was fetch the prince, why’d they have to shoe-horn in a pointless boss fight that makes no fucking sense?!

~…TIME FOR A SUDDEN FLASHBACK APPARENTLY.~

Aqua: You’re still not waking up, are you, Ventus?

Ventus: Nope.

Aqua: Poop. *starts to leave*

Ventus: Hang on, I’m twitching.

Aqua: YAY PROGRESS.

Ventus: *actually opens his eyes. His dull, dead eyes*

Aqua: GOOD MORNING, STARSHINE! THE EARTH SAYS HELLO!

Ventus: *sits up* The fuck even happened.

Aqua: Who cares, you’re awake! YO TERRA, ECIVRESNAF, GET IN HERE!

Terra:Time for sick elbow drops!

Ventus: Please don’t.

~The ensuing injuries meant that it would take far longer for Ventus to get out of bed.~

Aqua: Wait, why was I even remembering that in the first place…?

Snow White: Iunno, I’m busy kissing all these guys good-bye.

Aqua: Ew.

Snow White: On their heads, idiot!

Aqua: Phrasing.

Charming: No not that head.

Aqua: Ah.

Snow White: What head? There’s only one head, isn’t there?

Aqua: …How sheltered are you?

Snow White: Pretty fucking sheltered. Here, Dopey, let me stick my fingers in your ears to pull you closer to me, because I refuse to kiss you on the mouth.

Charming: Can we go get married now, I want to spend minimal time with our daughter before we’re forced to send her to another dimension.

Snow White: Sounds good to me! *lets him carry her away while she waves the whole time*

Aqua: And now to spew some vague philosophy bullshit to make me sound deep. But it helps me justify Ven’s fucking off to myself so maybe it’s worth it.

Snow White: You never really met we but we’ve D-Linked now.

Aqua: Oh joy.

Rainfell: Gonna swap me out for Treasure Trove, or…?

Aqua: …I don’t really like its stats, actually, so no. WAIT NO DON’T EJECT ME FROM THE PLANET — Aaaahhh. Fuck. *reenters*

Bashful: When the Prince came along and gave Snow White that kiss…Gawrsh, it was like a fairy tale.

Aqua: HA, IT’S FUNNY ‘CAUSE IT’S A FUCKING FAIRY TALE.

Doc: The drincet dressed — uh, lincess preft — uh, princess left. But I’m sure she’ll visit soon. Or just invite us to live at the castle as her guards or something.

Grumpy: Hmph, you’re pluckier than I’d have figured, bravin’ the witch’s castle like that.

Aqua: Isn’t it Snow’s castle again, since she inherited it from her father again?

Grumpy: DON’T SPEAK OF WHAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!

Aqua: …

Sneezy: I miss her again already…Ah-ah-ACHOO!

Aqua: You should get that looked at.

Sneezy: Meh.

Dopey: ELLIPSIS.

Aqua: You’re the sane one, aren’t you.

Happy: The Queen’s magic was nothing compared to the magic of twu wuv.

Sleepy: I started sleepin’ late again since Snow White isn’t here to wake me.

Aqua: YOU HAVE SIX BROTHERS OR WHATEVER!

Sleepy: I know but I actually respected Snow.

Aqua: Ah. Now I must away ere break of day.

Sleepy: To find your long forgotten gold?

Aqua: Or whatever’s past the puzzle doors in the castle basement shit. Probably some special items or moves or some shit. *does the thing* HEY it was dumb items and moves and shit.

~Merlin’s pants every section in this game is abominably short if it’s not overly plot-related.~

Aqua: *goes back out into space and lands in the Enchanted Dominion right outside Maleficent’s castle just in time to see Aurora’s heart fly out the window* …Haven’t been here thirty seconds and already weird shit’s happening.

Enchanted Dominion title card: We’re just speeding through this whole thing, aren’t we.

Aqua: *heads into the courtyard and fights a bunch of shit before heading into the castle proper*

Ventus: Now take back what you said about Terra!

Maleficent: Fine, I put him under the Imperius Curse. But he still didn’t resist it though! That means he wanted it to happen!

Ventus: Shit.

Aqua: Oh fuck off with that shit! *runs up to Ven* Not everyone can throw it off so easily if at all. We can’t blame him for succumbing to an Unforgivable, okay, Ven? It wasn’t his fault and no one should be blamed for being forced like that. Got it?

Ventus: Got it!

Maleficent: Fine, live in denial all you want, it amuses me. And do you really know what he was thinking at the time? Can you ever know?

Aqua: Of course not, that’s the point of being individual people, Christ. *blatantly ignores one of the most famous and powerful Disney villains of all time* So Ven, Ecivresnaf sent me to pick you up.

Ventus: But I need to track down Terra, though.

Aqua: Saw him at the Castle of Dreams, he seemed fine. And frankly, Master Xehanort went missing and our dual mission is to go search for him; Terra’s using this as a opportunity to get a field promotion so there’s no way he’ll be coming home unless it’s with Master Xehanort in tow.

Ventus: I’m sorry, I’m having a flashback.

Aqua: Okay, I’ll wait.

Ventus: And I’m done. But no, I got a pretty ominous threat concerning Terra before I left, and I have to make sure it doesn’t come to fruition! *runs off*

Aqua: Ven, wait! What the hell’re you talking about?!

Ventus: I don’t think I’ll ever directly tell you!

Aqua: You shitbird!

Maleficent: I’m distracting you from going after one of your main targets! Now let’s talk about your Keyblade.

Aqua: I am sufficiently distracted. Also thanks for just standing there while we had a full conversation. Also also how do you know about the Keyblade.

Maleficent: You’re welcome, and you mean besides getting the shit kicked outta me just now? And remember, I Imperiused your friend into unlocking an actual person’s heart. Which now obviously means it has the strength to do that to entire planets as well, because that’s a logical leap to make. The universe will be mine to command…TO CONTROL! So…yeah. I wants it. I needs it. Must have the precious.

Aqua: No.

Maleficent: I implore you to reconsider.

Aqua: That’s not gonna work every time, you know.

Maleficent: Xehanort was right, you are a bitch.

Aqua: …Fine, I’ll bite, what do you and Master Xehanort have in common.

Maleficent: You mean besides the fact that we’re both obviously really fucking evil? Fuck it, I don’t even want to look at you anymore. *raises her staff*

Aqua: … I’ve fallen into a disgusting trap, haven’t I. *falls through the sudden hole created in the floor that will never appear in Ventus's story mode despite the fact that it happened literally five seconds after he left the room* Thank Merlin for no fall damage…

Phillip: *is chained to the wall* ‘Sup.

Aqua: Hey. My name’s Aqua and I am not alarmed or put off at all by our current situation.

Phillip: Neat.

Aqua: So what’re you in for?

Phillip: I have the power to break the curse and she won’t let me for a good century or so. I was about to meet the girl of my dreams and now she’s in a coma. I can get her out of it, but…

Aqua: Wow, how long have you two known each other?

Phillip: We only met the once for less than an hour.

Aqua: IT MUST BE TWUE WUV.

Phillip: I’m so glad you understand.

Flora: That a fact?

Phillip: HOW DO YOU THREE KEEP GETTING IN HERE.

Flora: You want us to let you out or not?

Aqua: And once again, my magic key that can open absolutely any lock is apparently fucking useless. Still, guess Xehanort never told Maleficent about that particular aspect of the Keyblade, or she probably wouldn’t have locked me in here.

Phillip: And now I’m free I guess.

Flora: Now Phillip, normally you’d have to slay a dragon on your own, but now this random chick will help you out or whatever.

Aqua: If it’ll bring me face-to-face with Maleficent again so I can keep interrogating her about Terra then sure.

Phillip: …Sorry, actually having a woman fight alongside me instead of me going off to rescue them is kind of a strange thing for me.

Aqua: Eh, different planets, different cultural shit. Not great cultural shit but I don’t live here.

Flora: Is there any greater system than the buddy system? It's perfect. Who would attack two people. No one. So are we going or not?

Aqua: Just let me purchase some Fire and we’ll be on our way.

Flora: … *head tilt* Okay…?

Aqua: *kills things on her own until there’s a point where it’s relevant to the plot to fight beside Phillip* And now to kill more things. Fuck's sake. Who would live in a fucking shithole like this?

Phillip: All these losers. Excuse me. Could you fuck off, please. *kills things* You did a good job fucking off.

Aqua: Eat shit, shit eater. Why do you love the taste of poop so much in your mouth.

Phillip: I bet you don’t like that very much. Fucker.

Aqua: You did a good job being super gross.

Phillip: You’d be amazed how gross things can look if they’re just gross.

Aqua: I understand this.

Phillip: There’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s throwing up. *follows Aqua out of the castle* TIME TO EXPLODE SOME WALLS!

Aqua: HUZZAH! *helps Phillip explode some walls so she can jump up and murder more shit* Okay, I’ve inexplicably opened some gates now!

Phillip: Thanks for doing all the hard shit! See you when we fight the boss fight! *turns invisible and useless until then apparently*

Aqua: HIGH JUMP BEST JUMP. *equips it immediately and heads through the forest to the bridge*

Phillip: I’m back now! Bet you missed my input, eh?

Aqua: Oh yeah, you were so missed.

Maleficent: …Imma make thorny vines appear around the castle now. YOU WILL NEVER GET PAST THEM!

Aqua and Phillip: *stare at Maleficent, then down to their respective blades of a sort, then back to Maleficent*

Maleficent: No, they’re magic, shut up.

Aqua: So you were talking about Master Xehanort earlier. What’s up with that.

Maleficent: WHY WON’T YOU DO ANYTHING I TELL YOU TO DO BLINDLY AND WITHOUT QUESTION. *scoffs* Terra never had this problem!

Aqua: Terra would never willingly do anything to help you!

Maleficent: But he has darkness in him, though.

Aqua: Well just become something that I can kill, already!

Maleficent: *turns into a giant dragon*

Phillip: You mean like that?

Aqua: Yeah, thank you! *bashes Maleficent in the face*

Maleficent: *sets the entire ground on fire and makes the edges of the area comprised of flames too high to jump over. Apparently*

Aqua: Oh, if only I could jump over the flames with some kind of high jumping ability that I’ve just learned…

Maleficent: *jumps up and starts flying around*

Phillip: Aqua, do the thing! *launches Aqua up into the air*

Aqua: *lands on Maleficent’s back and casts all of the magic*

Maleficent: *lands again and allows Aqua to bash her in the face until she dies except we know she doesn’t die since she’s literally in every other sequel game except 3D and technically Days* BITCH I AIN’T DEAD YET! *proves this by blowing fire in Aqua’s general direction*

Aqua: *jumps out of the way*

Phillip: Now to swing the sword blindly…

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather: PRINCE PHILLIP, CLAIM ALL THE CREDIT WITH YOUR KILL! *enchant the sword Phillip’s carrying to become a magnet to Maleficent’s heart*

Phillip: …If you could do that, why didn’t you three kill Maleficent yourselves?

Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather: Because shut up.

Phillip: *shrugs and throws the sword, impaling Maleficent’s heart and making her burst into flames*

Thorny vines: *also disappear*

Everything: *turns green and pretty again*

Phillip: …IMMA GO KISS MY FUTURE WIFE AND CLAIM ALL THE CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING OKAY BYE! *runs off into the castle*

Aqua: …Dick.

Maleficent: OH I’M HURT! I AM VERY MUCH HURT!

Aqua: …So apparently love killed you. Not teamwork or light magic or anything, somehow it was love.

Maleficent: I call bullshit.

Aqua: For once, so do I. But still, it seems like you could do with some. Why not try watching the live-action movie—

Maleficent: I DON’T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE LIVE-ACTION MOVIE!

Aqua: You cared about the live-action Beauty and the Beast!

Maleficent: Emma Thompson played Mrs. Potts, Ewan MacGregor played Lumiere, Josh Gad played Lefou, and Ian Motherfucking McKellen played Cogsworth! I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER! Aaaaand then I saw it. And...I mean, Emma Thompson still made me sob like a little poo-babby, but the rest of it was...I'm glad I saw it, but I have no desire to ever see it again. I have the 1991 version for that.

Aqua: You’re right! You’re not wrong! In fact you’re correct!

Aurora: Stiiiiill in a coma.

Phillip: Not for long, my love. This version isn’t actually about me finding sleeping chicks attractive unlike the original fairy tale; I was straight-up told that this would break the spell and wake her up. Sure it still suffers from apparently wanting to spend the rest of your life with an attractive person you only met once, but it’s not as bad as other Disney adaptations have been. *leans in* And now to wake you up with twue wuv’s kiss… *holds up a bag of Hershey Kisses*

Aurora: *immediately wakes up and grabs the bag, squealing with joy*

Phillip: I HAD TO LOOK EVERYWHERE TO FIND THOSE!

Maleficent: I fucking hate puns.

Aqua: Oh come on, that thing we didn’t see and don’t fully know happened was hilarious!

Maleficent: AS LONG AS THERE IS LIGHT, THERE WILL BE DARKNESS.

Aqua: …I’m aware. That’s…that’s kind of what I trained for. That’s like my entire job description.

Maleficent: ONCE EVERYONE SUCCUMBS TO THE DARKNESS, I SHALL RULE OVER THEM ALL! MANIACAL LAUGH, MANIACAL LAUGH, MANIACAL LAUGH! *dissolves into green flames*

Aqua: Whatever. *looks up at the sky* Terra, you better not fall prey to another Unforgiveable that it’s not your fault if you can’t fight it. Oh hey, the Fairy Stars Keyblade…Wait, was that the entire area? That was…short. Better go back to see if I missed anything.

Merryweather: Even with mean ole Maleficent gone, I don’t want to go anywhere near that dreadful castle. Probably because there’s a nameless horror within.

Fauna: Oh, I just love happy endings! That this somehow qualifies as!

Flora: We brought Aurora here to the forest when she was just a baby, and raised her as our own dear niece. To hide her from Maleficent, we named her Briar Rose, which has no ties to the original fairy tale at all so it was the perfect disguise!

Aqua: WHY AREN’T I ALLOWED TO CHECK OUT THE CASTLE.

~Ah, video game hallways. Gotta loathe ‘em!~

Chapter Text

~Wow, just go right into another cutscene, don’t bother to let me breathe first or anything…~

Aqua: *muttering to herself as she flies around in space* Space…The Final Frontier…These are the — Wait, is that Terra?

Terra: This does seem to be my Keyblade motorcycle transporter thing, yes.

Aqua: YO, WAIT UP, SHITLORD!

Terra: No. *goes to plaid*

Aqua: Ah shit. *also goes to plaid and eventually returns to normal space* …Apparently going to plaid causes a new planet to appear. Will have to keep that in mind. *lands in Radiant Garden*

Radiant Garden title card: Once again, let’s just get this out of the way.

Aqua: Okay, looks like nothing’s going on, and I don’t see Terra anywhere…YO, NOT-YET DAVID TENNANT! YOUR NEW SHOW IS AWESOME!

Scrooge McDuck: What can I do ye fer?

Aqua: For you to magically make me remember to watch your show when it airs instead of keeping having to get it on demand would be nice, I'm like four episodes behind and am pretty busy with personal stuff right now...Anyway, you seen someone from outta town anywhere?

Scrooge McDuck: Well Ventus was headin’ towards the castle over there, while Terra was headin’ in the opposite direction.

Aqua: Ventus it is apparently! *makes her way to the gardens…and then goes in and out of the area for five-ever in the vain hope of getting a couple of fucking Abounding Crystals so she can form a Command that’ll grant her the EXP Walker ability because shit does that come in handy. When that doesn’t happen two hours later she moves on with the plot*

Kairi: I AM SCREAMING AND RUNNING! *runs away from the Unversed chasing her*

Aqua: LET THAT CHILD ALONE.

Kairi: *cowers as one lunges right for her face* …Okay how did that one miss. *runs behind Aqua and puts her hand on her Keyblade* I have touched this Keyblade, granting me the power to wield one.

Aqua: I’m just gonna never notice that. I can tell she’s a Princess of Light, though, so that’s neat I guess. *stares at all the baby Unversed surrounding them* Oh no. Five of the weakest Unversed. There’s absolutely no way I can take them all out. Whatever will I do.

Mickey: I GOT THIS! *slices one in half*

Aqua: …That happened.

Mickey: You gonna save the princess or not?

Aqua: Never mind the wellbeing of the four-year-old behind me, where’d you get a Keyblade? And also who are you.

Mickey: THIS REALLY ISN’T THE TIME, WOMAN!

Aqua: Fine, whatever. *bodily picks up Kairi under her arm like a football and runs off…running back onscreen eight seconds later sans tiny female*

Mickey: …Okay, there’s no way you got that girl to safety in so short a time. What if more come after her while we’re dealing with these?

Aqua: It’s fine.

Mickey: And you’re the new Keyblade Master. I weep for the future.

Aqua: Oh don’t worry, I won’t be around much longer.

Mickey: Well that’s a relief, no matter how hard I struggle to find you after you're gone. *helps her fight off the respawning plot-related Unversed of the area* Well that was fun, wasn’t it.

Aqua: See? She was totally safe!

Mickey: I still dislike you.

Aqua: Whatever. So my name is Master Aqua, formerly apprenticed to Master Ecivresnaf.

Mickey: I’m Mickey, and I ran away from former Master Noiti Sopxe!

Aqua: Cool. So this girl’s heart is entirely made up of light, huh?

Mickey: Seems that way.

Aqua: So that’s why those monsters attacked her?

Mickey: Seems that way.

Aqua: And they’ll probably keep coming after her no matter what and she’ll never be safe ever just like the rest of the Princesses of Light and we’re probably doing them a huge disservice by leaving them to their own devices whenever we fuck off somewhere else?

Mickey: Seems that way.

Kairi: Wait, you’re saying monsters are attacking me? Well fuck.

Mickey: It’s only because you’re special!

Kairi: I suddenly don’t wanna be special.

Aqua: Tough.

Mickey: …Dude we should totally team up.

Aqua: I thought you didn’t like me much.

Mickey: Eh, what are the odds of running into more small children? You know what’s the best amount of children?

Aqua: Zero?

Mickey: That’s correct! You seem decent enough when you’re not tasked with protecting younger people. And it’ll give you someone to talk to and someone halfway competent to fight beside during the rest of your game!

Aqua: FUCK YEAH LET’S DO THIS SHIT!

Star Shard: *uses that moment to decide to activate*

Mickey: …I hate everything. *vanishes in a burst of light and speeds off into space* See you after the endgame!

Aqua: …I’m so fucking confused right now.

Kairi: Ah forget about that guy. I picked you some flowers!

Aqua: …No you didn’t, you’ve been hanging onto them for a while now.

Kairi: Do you want the damn flowers or not.

Aqua: I have literally nowhere to put them but sure, why the hell not.

Kairi: My name’s Kairi, and despite never being a playable character and always getting kidnapped and also nearly always being totally ineffectual, I’m somehow more of a main character than you could ever hope to be!

Aqua: …Aqua. So, I was actually wondering if I could talk to you about something—

Kairi’s grandmother: Kairi, are you talking to strangers again?

Kairi: Sure am!

Kairi’s grandmother: Well can you hurry it up, it’s nearly dinner time.

Aqua: Hang on, let me touch your chest real quick.

Kairi’s grandmother: I will do nothing to stop this.

Aqua: It’s actually just your necklace, but from a distance I’m sure it would seem highly suspect. *necklace glows briefly* I just cast a magic spell on you. If you were ever to die, your soul will latch itself onto the only living thing in the area. This will ensure you never really die unless that person dies as well. And yet somehow this doesn’t qualify as Dark magic.

Kairi: …Thanks? *runs away from the terrifying woman*

Kairi’s grandmother: About time, let’s go already.

Kairi: Sure fine whatever. Bye random stranger!

Aqua: See you potentially never!

Kairi: Hey, Grandma?

Kairi’s grandmother: Hmm? What is it?

Kairi: Why don’t I have parents?

Kairi’s grandmother: Because this game is co-owned by Disney and you’re Disney royalty.

Kairi: Moana and Rapunzel and Aurora have parents.

Kairi’s grandmother: SILENCE!

Kairi: No, I wanna hear the story that’s sort of not really the underlying mythos of this whole franchise, we haven’t heard it in like four games.

Kairi’s grandmother: This is why I hate dealing with children.

Kairi: Aw, you know you love me.

Kairi’s grandmother: Sure, let’s go with that. Fine, here we go: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was world peace and everyone lived in the light. Everyone loved the light, even albinos and those who couldn’t look at the light too long without getting blinding headaches. Then people began to fight over it, because they wanted to own chunks of the light, like how people fight over oxygen except they don’t because that’s dumb. And darkness was born in their hearts and not from their fucking shadows or the night if there was any night. The darkness spread, swallowing the light as well as many people’s hearts. It covered everything, and the world they were on exploded. But small fragments of the light still survived, embedded into the hearts of children. Somehow surviving the explosion of their planet, the children used these fragments to rebuild their planet, like how those few surviving children in the first Pokémon movie were able to repopulate the world through the power of their tears or some other bullshit. That planet…is the one we’re living on right now! WHAT A TWIST! But there’s another, even brighter light, still engulfed in darkness. That’s why there isn’t any interplanetary travel these days. But someday, the door to the blackest, darkest of darkness will open, and the true light will be able to return. So, listen, child—

Kairi: I’VE BEEN LISTENING, YOU OLD HAG!

Kairi’s grandmother: Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Kairi: BITCH YOU KNOW I DISLIKE THAT ADAPTATION!

Kairi’s grandmother: Believe in the light, and darkness will never defeat you. Your heart will shine with its power, and drive the darkness away. Do you understand, Kairi?

Kairi: NOPE!

Aqua: Kairi…Something tells me she’s definitely gonna be a plot device someday. Now what the fuck am I gonna do with these flowers, I hate nature. Nature’s the worst. Nature is a cantankerous bitch who’s drunk with power.

Section of Trinity Armor: Tell me about it. I think if we all banded together and harnessed the power of bleach, we can finally make Radiant Garden the sterile, lifeless planet it was always meant to be. Now I’m off to wreak some havoc.

Aqua: Oh would you freaks just give me a minute already!

Mickey: YO WE GOTS A D-LINK! NEVER NOT USE ME, I DOUBLE EXP WHEN LEVELED UP!

Aqua: HOLY SHIT THAT’S THE BEST MECHANIC I’VE SEEN THIS GAME!

Destiny’s Embrace: I guess the flowers you just got turned into a Keyblade?

Aqua: …Holy shit, is this the one Kairi was using in KHII? That’s…That’s actually a really cool tie-in! *equips it immediately and heads to the next area* I’m chasing a highly destructive-look Unversed. Gee, I wonder if I should go through the door that’s been broken down and busted to shit! *fucks around until she gets a single Abounding Crystal from the Mandrakes first* SHIT YEAH EXP WALKER! Should've probably poured this into Lucky Strikes first but who cares. *heads to the boss fight* Holy shit, Terra’s right the fuck there, did not expect that.

Ventus: HEY TERRA!

Aqua: HEY TERRA!

Terra: Aqua, Ven. Wait, Ven?!

Aqua: I told you!

Terra: Oh, right.

Ventus, Aqua, and Terra: *all summon their respective Keyblades*

Terra: …I’m holding Treasure Trove, why is this showing Earthshaker.

Ventus: And I’m holding Fairy Lights, not Wayward Wind.

Aqua: Never mind that, are you telling me there were more boss Unversed?

Trinity Armor: *connects all three parts into something infinitely more badass than the Guard and Reverse Armors could ever hope to be*

Aqua: Ah.

Terra: Y’all ready for this?

Ventus: We’ll find out! *dies almost instantly*

Aqua: Damn it, I knew I should’ve sent him back home when I had the chance!

Terra: Why didn’t you?

Aqua: I thought he could handle himself. Clearly I was wrong.

Trinity Armor: *can apparently summon fireballs that float around for no reason until they decide to hit people*

Terra: And I’m out too. Fuck.

Ventus: I’m awake again! And now I’m dead again.

Aqua: WHAT THE SHIT, YOU GUYS.

Trinity Armor: *splits up, giving everyone three different targets as one hops around and the other two fly around slamming into people or firing lasers and shit everywhere*

Aqua: I am not enjoying doing the brunt of the work you two! *kills one of the pieces*

Other two pieces: *shoot lightning at each other and spin around and shit*

Aqua: …Okay, don’t get hit by that. Noted.

Terra: I am now alive again! And I’m not completely ineffectual!

Aqua: Oh huzzah! *still does most of the work* CUTSCENE FINISHING MOVE!

Terra and Ventus: ON IT! *team up and murder Trinity Armor to death*

Terra: YAY WE WON.

Aqua: We should really team up more often in a part of the game that’s not just the command board or plot-related shit.

Ventus: Totally agree. Hey, Terra! I’m half-convinced that you’re up to random acts of evil and that you’re starting to turn into a bad guy, plus the fact that some random guy said that you would change for the worse and that I would barely recognize you anymore. Even though I’ve been sidetracked by incredibly important things like fashion design and the like, I’ve been really worried about you for some time now. But who cares about any of that! WE’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!

Terra: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

Ventus: Well, Disney Town, but still, you know? *hands the other two the fast passes* This giant talking duck gave them to me.

Terra: I see no reason to question this.

Aqua: Well I met him too, so…

Ventus: He told me to take my parents, but you guys are my siblings, so…

Aqua: Sometimes I think we are your parents.

Terra: That’s too adorable an image, I’m getting a fluff overload over here.

Aqua: NO! MORE FLUFF! After I take Ven home, anyway.

Ventus: …Didn’t you just say that we should team up more often?

Aqua: Yep!

Ventus: …Look, I’ve gotten way stronger since I left the Land of Departure! I even took out the guy in the mask that was threatening Terra! I mean, I didn’t kill him, but I beat the shit out of him, which is basically the same thing; he’ll never want revenge for something like that!

Terra: Wait, you saw Vanitas?!

Ventus: …If he’s the guy in the mask, then as established, yes.

Aqua: …Who are we even talking about right now.

Ventus: Should…Should I not have fought that guy?

Terra: No you really shouldn’t have. Let Aqua take you home. Now.

Ventus: Why should I be shunted to the sidelines again?! I’m easily more powerful than both of you! I was the only one who was able to not die against that Unversed just now!

Terra: *laughs* Excuse me? You passed out, like, twice or something!

Ventus: No I didn’t! You did!

Terra: Clearly you were hallucinating, since I never passed out during this fight.

Ventus: Yes you did! And you, Oh Great And Powerful Keyblade Master, you died like three times or something over the course of the fight! You were the worst one of us!

Aqua: I did not see that at all!

Terra: I did not see that likewise, in a way that is similar to you.

Aqua: I’ll have you know that I never passed out! I did see Terra die a couple times though. Not as much as you, Ven, but still more than I did. Which was zero.

Terra: There’s two schools of thought on this and neither school really cares. Ven, just let the adults handle it, okay? We gotta do dangerous shit and you’ll just die over and over again. I don’t want to see that happen anymore.

Aqua: …What are you talking about? All we have to do is find Master Xehanort. Is there some sort of side quest you’re not telling us about? One not sanctioned by the Master?

Terra: Actually, yes. Master Xehanort isn’t willing to come home until I’ve helped him rectify a mistake he’s made. It involves fighting the darkness, just like Master Ecivresnaf wanted.

Aqua: Okay, we acknowledge that you were placed under the Imperius Curse in the Enchanted Dominion, but that still doesn’t excuse you even considering doing horrible things to people in the first place, even if it is to fulfill your primary objective. Because I somehow know about your choices in the Dwarf Woodlands.

Ventus: Hey, the important thing is that he didn’t do the bad thing in the end.

Aqua: He still considered it though, which is just as bad apparently and makes him an asshole.

Terra: In my head?

Aqua: Yes you are! I am mad at you for saying this thing in your own mind! And him even considering to use the darkness is why he failed in the first place; if he keeps backpedalling like this he’ll never make it! Ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it, ever make it, never make it! Don’t you see, he can’t make it!

Terra: *exasperated sigh* Look, I’ve just befriended the first people I met in each world and gave them a hand, same as you two!

Aqua: Yeah, but we don’t befriend extremely obviously evil people!

Terra: Master Xehanort.

Aqua: …He doesn’t count, Master Ecivresnaf trusts him too for some dumbass reason even though he actually has proof that he’s evil.

Terra: And we all follow the Master’s example. You can’t really blame me for automatically trusting obvious villains, it’s how I was trained! *blinks* Also I’m resentful of you spying on me for the Master.

Aqua: Dude, we all got the same four or five worlds at the start and we’ll keep unlocking the same worlds that happen to be geographically closest to our starting point, even if their locations shift radically in ten years because that’s how planetary alignments work. It’s not really that hard to keep up with what you two have been up to.

Terra: But the Master did order you to spy on me, right?

Aqua: …Okay yes.

Ventus: Aqua! How dare you expressly follow the orders that our collective father figure whom we all implicitly trust gave to you!

Terra: How’s all that betrayal food in your stomach digesting?!

Ventus: Does it taste delicious?

Terra: Does it taste like deceit?!

Ventus: Does it pass easily?!

Aqua: Hey whatever man, fuck you, I’m not perfect. No one’s perfect in this world.

Terra: Everybody betray me. I’m fed up with this world! *turns to leave*

Ventus: Bro, wait up—

Terra: Piss off.

Ventus: *sharp intake of breath*

Terra: …Okay I’m sorry, but I need some alone time, all right? *starts to walk away*

Aqua: Terra, please! The Master has seen so many people implode from the darkness, and he loves you like a son so he doesn’t want you to suffer the same fate if he can help it! I was only supposed to keep a vague eye on you and prevent you from implosion if necessary! Damn it, Terra, please don’t use this personal betrayal as an excuse to follow an even darker path!

Terra: Hey, that’s a great idea, I’m gonna go do that! *leaves*

Aqua: Ah shit…

Ventus: You’re the nozzle that the douche juice comes out of.

Aqua: For doing my job?

Ventus: Yes. Also were you also ordered to take me home.

Aqua: Now that’s a little of column A and a little of column B. I was actually all for defying the Master’s orders on this one, seeing him as being overly paranoid, but considering you got your ass handed to you several times throughout this last boss fight—

Ventus: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT HER ASS HANDED TO HER SO OFTEN! I NEVER FUCKING DIED ONCE!

Aqua: *clutches Wayfinder in frustration* Wait, what level even are you right now?

Ventus: Thirty-six!

Aqua: …Holy shit, I’m only thirty-three. You know, when you put it like that, this seems like shit.

Ventus: Aqua, following orders and showing reluctance when the orders you’re given go against what you want to do and what you think is right means that you’ve let your new rank go to your head.

Aqua: No it doesn’t, it means I’m doing my fucking job.

Ventus: Whatever, Imma go after Terra into an area that I don’t think you’re allowed in because you psychically know your section of the plot doesn’t take you down there. *runs off*

Aqua: Stop, don’t, come back.

Smoke stack: *is spewing smoke during a time when we know for a fact that Ansem the Wise and the other scientists are working on experiments concerning the darkness in people’s hearts, and I’ve made several jokes about needing to hide the bodies in previous parodies. Um*

Sun: LENS FLARE! Also it’s kind of weird how you never see any actual stars out in space, just planets that are all apparently equidistant from whatever stars are out there, can’t believe it took me this long to notice that*

Aqua: I AM WISTFULLY MISSING MY FRIENDLY-FRIENDS! And then there’s an instant mood whiplash as the game reminds me that I’m going to Disney World. *heads across town and accidentally picks up another Abounding Crystal by the time she gets to Merlin and doesn’t notice until she has to craft shit again*

Merlin: Oh good, the final main character swings by so I can finally get some fucking rest after this. Why don’t I just leave the book outside I wonder, all I want to do is sleep!

Aqua: …Gwah—

Merlin: Go inside to get a new Command Board level thing.

Aqua: You mean the one I’ve already played inside the Mirage Arena?

Merlin: The very same!

Aqua: Well if it’ll make you shut up then sure. *heads inside and reads the book real quick* Man am I glad we don’t have to get too involved this time around. *goes back outside*

Scrooge McDuck: Well hello, lassie. Did ye find the boy ye were lookin’ for? I’m on a bit of a hunt meself — fer the perfect spot to set up shop here in town. Real estate…Ach, always a pain in the buttfeathers! But I’m up for a wee bit of a challenge today, heh heh.

Aqua: Have fun taking eleven years to achieve your current goal! *heads back into the Central Square*

Vanitas: ‘Sup, gurl.

Aqua: Oh so you’re the one the other two were talking about.

Vanitas: Yep. That guy still a huge pussy?

Aqua: Kinda—

Vanitas: SHUT UP! I’m having a rhetorical conversation!

Aqua: …Um—

Vanitas: And now I’m going to kill you. *summons Void Gear*

Aqua: Could you not? *summons Destiny’s Embrace*

Vanitas: *is really annoying when he teleports out of the way, though most of his Dark Firagas are easy to dodge*

Aqua: *eventually kicks his ass* Wait why am I panting, I used Cura near the end of the fight, I should be fine. *walks up to Vanitas who’s laying flat on his back on the ground* So who are you, anyway?

Vanitas: It’s actually kind of fucking hilarious, and you can even almost tell by my voice sometimes.

Aqua: Huh, you’re still alive. Instead of finishing you off right now, I’ll jump back and give you a chance to escape!

Vanitas: …Yep, I can definitely see why they made you Keyblade Master. *summons a Dark Corridor behind him* Conglaturations, you get to live until Ventus actually proves himself useful. You better hope he remains a pussy. *leaves*

Aqua: *actual dialogue* I have to stop him before anything else happens to Terra and Ven. *end actual dialogue* If only he walked away slowly enough for me to have ample time to chase him through the Dark Corridor which remained open for a short period after he left! IF ONLY I DIDN’T STAND SO FUCKING STILL THIS WHOLE TIME!

Ventus: *runs into view* Hey, Aqua, you finish fighting Vanitas yet?

Aqua: Only just. Didja find Terra?

Ventus: Yep!

Aqua: …So where is he?

Ventus: Oh, he fucked off.

Aqua: Well done.

Ventus: Shaddup.

Aqua: With pleasure, I have to leave anyway.

Ventus: Good, I’ll come with.

Aqua: You will not! Just go home already!

Ventus: Not until you give me a decent reason to! And don’t give me the “I’m too weak” treatment because that’s the one thing I’m not buying. I haven’t had to use a Continue once and I always make sure to be vastly overlevelled than I need to be!

Aqua: I get that you’re strong, but you’re my little brother and I love you and I don’t want to see you lose so much as a sliver of health, because when you hurt I hurt! *puts her hand on Ven’s shoulder* Call me selfish but that’s how it is! I’ll always worry about you, do you not get that?

Ventus: Yeah, I get that. I get that even though we just fought a giant-ass Unversed together and I did the brunt of the work according to the health meters on this particular playthrough, you still think I’m incompetent and have no faith in me whatsoever. Oh yes, I understand perfectly.

Aqua: Good, I’m glad we have that sorted out. *puts on armor and goes into space*

~This constant character stupidity and lack of communication is why this is so much easier to make fun of than Days was.~

Aqua: Huh, three new planets. Two of them with the same battle level. Guess I’ll go with the one that requires the least amount of work first, get that shit out of the way nice and quickly… *lands in Disney Town* …Well this certainly is…bright…

Pete: I’M STILL DOING THE CAPTAIN JUSTICE GIMMICK!

Aqua: Oh, hey, I recognize you from the Command Board section of the Mirage Arena. You’d appear randomly to give whoever you were following free points at select intervals.

Pete: I see my reputation for possessing legendary skills precedes me! *does a stupid pose and the back ground turns all yellow and red and shit*

Aqua: …How did you make the background do that?

Pete: I DON’T KNOW.

Aqua: Neat. I’m going to walk away now.

Pete: Don’t you dare! I’m trying to help ya, see?

Aqua: I don’t see, since I don’t need help. Well, technically, I do, but somehow I don’t think you’d be much help in the fight against Vanitas, nor would you know where Master Xehanort is, so—

Horace: OH GOD I NEED SO MUCH HELP!

Pete: I’m on it!

Horace: …You know what, I’m good, actually. Unless…

Pete: What?

Horace: …Just the man. The very man. A shitton of monsters have shown up in the next area and are throwing fruit at people in full accordance with the rules of the game for some reason. Your moment has come at last.

Aqua: Throwing fruit at people? Don’t tell me I have to do the Fruitball shit, I’m the worst at that game!

Pete: I — well, I —

Aqua: That’s settled. We’ll leave you to deal with the monsters, Captain Justice. Your skills, after all, are legend.

Pete: I — I really never — you may have misunderstood —

Horace: Right now would be an excellent time to do it. We’ll make sure everyone’s out of your way. You’ll be able to tackle the monsters all by yourself. A free reign at last.

Pete: V-Very well. I’ll — I’ll be over by the raceway getting — getting ready. *runs the fuck away*

Horace: *flares nostrils* Right. That’s got him out from under our feet.

Aqua: So I should be tracking down Vanitas and also fulfilling my original mission of finding Master Xehanort, but I can waste several hours on mini-games if you want, I mean why not, I don’t have friends to save.

Horace: I do want, I very much want. So in order to stop these monsters from whacking fruits at people and playing very much by the rules and not bothering anyone outside of the game and generally being harmless, we have to beat them at their own game, which will not end up destroying them but only demoralizing them until it’s their turn to play again.

Aqua: …Or I could just whack ‘em with my giant key sword thing.

Horace: But then we wouldn’t have a pointless mini-game!

Aqua: …You know what, I’m gonna procrastinate. *dicks around and gets all the items and stickers she can at the moment, and then does every single ice cream level just to get the times in the journal* Wow, I actually got a fantastic at one point. Note to self: Use this save file to get the trophy after everything else is done. *spends some time leveling up and melding Commands for a while before eventually getting bored and going to hell — I mean returning to Horace for the one mini-game I can’t fucking figure out for the life of me*

Horace: Okay, here’s the really easy controls. Knock fruit into the opponent’s side of the court, try to hit the goal, and you can knock it into the air and either aim it at the goal or your opponent. Also if you’re quick you can stop your opponent from getting points by blocking the goal and firing it into their goal instead. I suggest you keep everything airborne, it’s probably the best strategy. Got it?

Aqua: MY HEAD IS NOW A GIANT EGG!

Horace: AAAAHHH!

Aqua: MY HEAD IS NOW A GIANT EGG!

Horace: AAAAHHH!

Aqua: EGG!

Horace: AAAAHHH!

Aqua: EGG!

Horace: AAAAHHH!

Aqua: EGG!

Horace: AAAAHHH!

Aqua: Flower.

Horace: Ahhh.

Aqua: EGG!

Horace: AAAAHHH!

Aqua: EGG!

Horace: AAAAHHH!

Aqua: *tries and miraculously wins by a single point with nearly no time left*

Horace: YAY YOU DID THE THING! The monsters aren’t dead, but who cares, you won a mini-game!

Aqua: …You are aware that there are monsters all over town, right?

Horace: Yeah but those places ain’t got no people in ‘em so no one cares.

Aqua: Still, though.

Horace: You’ve definitely got my vote!

Minnie: *walks up with Pluto, who’s actually in this game! Producing nothing of value as usual!* I have no idea who to vote for anymore, after three such lovely candidates!

Aqua: And you are?

Horace: YOU WILL SHOW RESPECT TO OUR QUEEN!

Aqua: Oh shit! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was in the presence of royalty! *bows hurriedly*

Minnie: Oh don’t bother with all that.

Aqua: What, you're not the Queen of England?

Minnie: No, surprisingly. I'm Minnie, Mickey's wife.

Aqua: That's a warning sign right away. “Who're you?” “WIFE.” “Okay.”

Minnie: I should be working on the defense of our kingdom and yet I’m focusing so hard on the festival at the expense of everything else.

Horace: Eh, it keeps up morale, I call it good. Sure, we’d all be happier with a man in charge, but beggars can’t be choosers and we’re all making the most of your poor leadership. Also apparently this festival is held annually and yet it won’t happen at all in eleven years when people can freely travel here again, isn’t that odd.

Minnie: …I’m so pleased that you have so much confidence in me.

Horace: Think nothing of it! Now let’s shit on Pete for a little while!

Aqua: …You ever think that maybe it’s because you shit on him so much that he turned out to be a shitty person?

Horace: Nope, we only started treating him shittily when he started acting shittily. He’s a selfish asshole who’s only acting nice now so he can get the Million Dreams Award prize.

Aqua: Which is?

Minnie: An award that we hand out to whoever acts the nicest throughout the festival.

Aqua: And it’s put to a vote?

Minnie: Exactly!

Aqua: Oh, so it’s a popularity contest. No wonder this guy changed his outlook, he probably just wants to feel accepted and important since all of you put him down so much.

Minnie: But that’s just because he’s got the wrong idea about how to do things! You have to be willing to fight leagues of horrible monsters in festival-inspired games or stack meters upon meters of ice cream if you’re going to be considered a true hero!

Aqua: …I think you’ve got your priorities a little mixed up.

Horace: I SAY AQUA SHOULD GET THE AWARD!

Aqua: Pfft, like hell I’m sticking around for this shit.

Horace: All right, so, I know it's tempting to be like Who Gives A Shit versus No One Gives A Fuck—

Aqua: Oh yeah!? Yeah!? That's tempting, huh!?

Horace: But wait — just wait a minute! Hold a minute! My vote’s very important, you know!

Minnie: Oh, that’s so sweet, he thinks his opinion matters. NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!

Aqua: No, seriously, who’s the dog and why doesn’t he wear clothes or talk like the rest of you.

~Has anyone ever been able to satisfactorily explain that?~

Chapter Text

~I am so fucking glad we don’t have to do tournament shit in this game.~

Olympus Coliseum title card: Yep, still chillin’ here.

Aqua: Oh for fuck’s sake, I can’t go two steps without running into you fuckers, can I. *summons Destiny’s Embrace* Damn, those Buckle Bruisers are the first ones that’re gonna give me actual trouble, I can already tell somehow.

Phil: *runs up and starts doing bullshit kung fu moves* Stand back, sweetcheeks! A woman can never be a hero! I, an extremely overweight and unskilled half-goat thing, will be able to fight off the giant monsters with relative ease and do a much better job than someone who’s in shape and has a weapon will ever be able to!

Aqua: …I don’t think I like you very much.

Buckle Bruiser: Yeah but remember how you can’t attack me from the front?

Phil: …HERC, GOT SOME SPECIAL TRAINING FOR YA! *runs away*

Hercules: *runs in*

Aqua: All right, let’s partner up I guess.

Hercules: …But, you…A-Aren’t you…a damsel in distress?

Aqua: …No?

Hercules: Oh, okay then. *helps Aqua slaughter the constantly respawning Unversed* Hey, why’s the camera doing a victory lap around us?

Aqua: Probably because we look like sick badasses.

Hercules: This is true.

Phil: Oy, those wackos almost made gyros outta me!

Aqua: …What—

Hercules: It’s a Greek meat dish.

Aqua: Ah.

Hercules: And you were the one who was trying to fight them even though you’re not actually much of a fighter despite the personal trainer thing!

Phil: When you get older, you’ll understand.

Hercules: I hate hearing that shit, I wanna know now.

Aqua: He wants to sleep with me and he thought the best way to do that was to demean me and insinuate that I was weak.

Hercules: Ah, okay. But I do understand that I have to get stronger as more time passes! Then I’ll be able to become a hero for sure!

Aqua: …Physical strength does not equate to being someone’s hero.

Hercules: Dude, this planet has way stronger monsters than even the ones we just fought, so if I’m gonna protect people I have to be strong enough to literally move mountains and shit. Also Terra’s hella strong, being the current champion and all, so…

Aqua: Terra was here already too, eh? Weird, he would’ve been held up in Disney Town for the ice cream award ceremony thing, how’d I get here after him.

Phil: So, sugar-tits, you wanna come back to my place? I’ve got some, uh, interesting artwork I’d like to show ya…

Aqua: No, I wanna know how you two know Terra.

Phil: Oh, great, another fangirl. I’m so sick of hearing about this guy. I’m supposed to be training the next big thing, and suddenly this guy with terrible hair swings by and steals the spotlight!

Aqua: No, he’s one of my friends, I’ve known him for years, and I’ve been trying to track him down.

Phil: Uh-huh, sure. He just shows up outta nowhere, like he came from another planet or something, wins the tournament on his first try which never happens ever and never will happen ever, and then the nudnik up and goes back to his home planet again like he was never here in the first place except to collect ice cream ingredients and train once with Herc just to say he did for some reason!

Aqua: …Dafuq’s a nudnik?

Hercules: A boring or annoying person.

Aqua: I’m learning so much today.

Hercules: But still, apparently he’s reached the rank of true hero somehow. I need to get there and fast…

Phil: *actual dialogue* Yeah, he’s so tough that he turned the last schlemiel who faced him into a raving yahoo.

Aqua: Schlemiel? Yahoo? Whatever language you’re speaking, it ain’t Greek. Also why can I suddenly understand Greek.

Hercules: Quit being a dick, Phil, it wasn’t Zack’s fault.

Aqua: Too bad he left for the next planet already apparently. Why do we never run into each other while leveling up.

Phil: Hey, we got more tournaments coming up soon! Maybe he’ll show up to one of them!

Hercules: He might want to defend his title, yeah!

Phil: And now I’m suddenly convinced you can fight, probably because you helped Herc here battle a fuckton of monsters, which why me thinking you’re nothing but a fangirl made no sense earlier. I’ll sign you up for the games right now if you want! *starts walking around her* And if you need a…trainer, I’d be more than happy to…put you through the ropes. Know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more, nudge nudge?

Hercules: Damn it, Phil, I thought we just established that I’m your one and only pupil!

Aqua: Once again, he’s insinuation that he wants to have sex with me. I do not think you want him to have sex with you.

Hercules: …This is true, I do not. But still, I resent that I had to beg and that Dad had to shoot a lightning bolt at your face to get you to train me, and she doesn’t even say anything and you’re already offering.

Phil: That’s ‘cause she’s just got that little something extra, if you know what I’m saying.

Aqua: I can hear you. Nice pan up my body to emphasize his point, camera. And I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible.

Hercules: …I still don’t get it.

Aqua: I have female-presenting tits, you do not.

Hercules: …Now I get it.

Aqua: …My eyes are up here.

Hercules: S-Sorry, sorry…

Aqua: No you’re not.

Hercules: No I’m not. Though I don’t think I have as big a problem as Phil does.

Phil: What’re you talking about, I don’t have a problem!

Aqua: Okay, here’s the test: Draw a butt, and if you get an erection, you may have a problem.

Phil: *does the thing* …I may have a problem.

Aqua: And fuck it, I could use some leveling, sign me up for whatever this is. Name’s Aqua if you need to put a name.

Phil: Okay, so first we’re gonna emphasize some yoga poses. I’m thinking we start with Downward Facing Dog—

Aqua: I’M GOOD.

Phil: Pfft. Women. It never changes.

Aqua: …I think it’s you who needs to change. Don’t use pet names until you’re with someone for a while, or they’ll know you’re not really serious. And try to treat them like you would any other person. They’d definitely be more interested then, though, I hate to say it, a lot of them might not be into bestiality.

Phil: …It’s like she’s trying to speak to me, I know it!

Aqua: Ah, fuck it.

Phil: Fine, I’ll get you signed up anyway. Meet me inside when you’re ready to move on with the plot.

Hercules: …And apparently I just peaced out.

Aqua: Fine by me. TIME TO GO COLLECT ICE CREAM INGREDIENTS NOW THAT I KNOW TO DO THAT. *gets a bunch and also straight-up levels up for a bit before moving on with the plot*

Phil: Ready to move on with the plot?

Aqua: Sure, fine, whatever. *demolishes the competition easily* Huh, by the way Phil was talking about Terra and a crapload of people were hoping that he’d show up for the games, I expected more people to show up in the stands. Like, you know, any people. *fights her way through the tournament* Well that was easy. Now I’m already at the finals…Why am I fighting in this again, I know for a fact that Terra’s done here plot-wise. I believe my next opponent is…Holy fuck Zack’s in this game. HOLY FUCK ZACK’S IN THIS GAME.

Zack: Yes I am! And let me tell ya, I can’t wait to fight you in the final! I might even get to face Terra again once I’ve beaten you! Heh, if I beat you, of course, you seem pretty tough, but that just means I’ll have to try harder!

Aqua: …There’s a bonus match for the winner, isn’t there.

Zack: Yep! Just like Pokémon! Phil, wanna give her the run-down?

Phil: Okay, so there are actually two different tournaments, and one of them was already fought kind of. We’re fighting one here and the other one is being fought…somewhere else apparently. Eventually the winner’ll come up here and face the winner of this tournament. Maybe the other winner’ll be Terra, maybe not, I don’t fucking know.

Aqua: …So this whole thing was pointless. I love a pointless.

Hercules: Pointless is a fun.

Phil: No, there was a point! It’s all about getting stronger, isn’t it? Just don’t watch the other matches. Because of reasons.

Hercules: He bullshitting again?

Zack: Probably.

Phil: Look, just do the thing for me, would ya? Herc quit for moral reasons last time so you and Zack gotta give the nonexistent people something!

Aqua: Fine, sure, whatever.

Phil: Awesome. Talk to me inside when you think you’ve leveled up enough. Don’t know why we’re giving you this shot at a break but there you go.

Hercules: I WILL ACTUALLY BE A PHYSICAL PRESENCE IN THE CROWD TO WATCH YOU TWO KILL EACH OTHER!

Phil: No you won’t, you need to smash more pots.

Hercules: …But that’s usually done in the arena—

Phil: SHUT UP AND MOVE IT!

Hercules: Fine, fine, you two have fun killing each other. *leaves*

Zack: Y’all ready for this?

Aqua: Think so, yeah.

Zack: I’m so pumped, I’m gonna do random squats! *does random squats*

Aqua: So you’ve met Terra before, have you? May I ask for a quick summary of that part of the game?

Zack: Well, during the last tournament, this guy named Hades tried to manipulate him into turning evil, like apparently everyone else the poor guy ever runs into. He even put the Imperius Curse on me to try and force Terra to do more bad shit. But it was cool, Terra gave me some cognitive recalibration.

Aqua: …

Zack: He hit me really hard on the head. And he didn’t use any darkness either. Well, he’s got this move called Dark Haze but I’m sure it’s fine.

Aqua: Cool. Good to know he’s still resisting shit.

Zack: But enough of that, let’s kill each other!

Aqua: I’ll be right there, I just gotta mope about Terra some more…and done, let’s fight! *follows him into the ring*

Zack: I promised Terra I’d fight him when I wasn’t under the Imperius Curse someday.

Aqua: For some reason I find myself envious of hetero life partner type relationships between men. Don’t know why, I’m friends with a bunch of dudes myself and it rarely gets weird. Anyway, he’s never coming back so just give it up.

Zack: NEVAH!

Aqua: Too bad, I just beat you.

Zack: …Shit. Still got a ways to go before I hit First Class…Oh well!

Aqua: What are you even talking about — What the shit is up with that fire over there and why was there a person inside it.

Zack: Oh, that’s just Hades, that’s how he Apparates.

Aqua: Oh, okay then.

Hades: And I’m absurdly sexist!

Aqua: I know, I'm on Twitter.

Hades: ...I meant the character.

Aqua: Fucking method actors...

Hades: Man, what went wrong with this orgy? I literally cannot believe that a girl managed to win at anything physically demanding ever! I like the hair, though.

Aqua: Which is why you just visibly glanced down at my tits.

Hades: No! No, no no…Yes.

Aqua: Of course you did. I don’t think I like this world that much.

Hades: Hey, the important thing is that your butt is in good shape.

Aqua: Fuck your skull.

Zack: Why are you even back here, Hades?

Hades: I’m sorry, I only talk to important characters.

Zack: Dude, I’m practically more important than Cloud and you know it!

Aqua: …Wait, are you the guy who put the Imperius Curse on Zack and tried to turn Terra to the dark side or something?

Hades: Maaaayyyyyyybeeeeeee? You telling me you know the guy or something? Man, what a chicken wuss, am I right?

Aqua: …The shit kind of insult is that. Who even cares, Terra didn’t even bother to listen to you anyway.

Hades: And yet he was the one who wanted help in the first place.

Aqua: I am disbelief.

Hades: And he was so close to giving in when he pussied out. *momentarily turns his flames red instead of blue*

Aqua: …Did you just burn colder?

Hades: Shaddup, your friend’s a huge pussy. You, on the other hand, look like you got some nice balls on ya. Wanna…try ‘em out?

Aqua: Your genetalia-inspired insults don’t really phase me.

Hades: *actual dialogue* Well that was rude.

Aqua: You do not get to get angry right now, you piece of shit. I will eat your larynx.

Hades: What the fuck is your problem?!

Aqua: You just insulted me and my friend!

Hades: Yeah but I’m a god, I can do that. I can also kill you now, being the winner of the other bracket and all. Toodles! *Disapparates*

Zack: I hate that guy. I wanted to murder him. Aqua, promise me you’ll kick his ass for me? *puts his hands on her shoulders* Don’t fuck up and die. I will be really mad if you fuck up and die.

Aqua: No prob, I’ll just equip every single ice attack I’ve got that isn’t a healing spell and I’ll wipe his ass no problem. AFTER I SAVE AT THE VESTIBULE ONE MORE TIME APPARENTLY! THIS VESTIBULE FILLS ME WITH DETERMINATION! *saves and goes back inside*

Zack: *sitting in the stands and staring at the suddenly darkened surroundings* Why are we now in the Shadow Realm?

Aqua: Iunno, but I kind of think it’s pretty why did the ground just shake.

Ice Titan: *imitates the Colossal by climbing up over the wall but it’s only like a fourteen-meter class so I don’t know why it even bothered trying*

Hades: *poofs in* So apparently I can tag in people.

Zack: Cool, so I can join in the fight too!

Aqua: Can you, though?

Hades: Yeah, he totally could. If you want him to.

Zack: I want to!

Aqua: *stops Zack with Destiny’s Embrace* Zack, ever since I stepped foot on this shitty rock I’ve been hit on, underestimated, and sexually objectified because of my gender. I’ve got something to prove here. I know you do too, but it’s important to me that I don’t beg for a man's help, okay?

Zack: …Okay, sounds fair.

Aqua: Probably shouldn’t have equipped all that ice magic, though — Oh, it can still hurt the Ice Titan? Neato! *beats both Hades and the Ice Titan at the same time BECAUSE SHE’S JUST THAT MUCH OF A MOTHERFUCKING BADASS*

Ice Titan: *falls and shatters*

Hades: …So I just realized that that thing should still be trapped in that hole thing or whatever and I shouldn’t even be able to access him for another few years…Yeah, I’m just gonna leave out of embarrassment now. *leaves out of embarrassment now*

Zack: And now we’re outside. Now the pressure is released. Now I can go on living.

Aqua: That’s what happens when you take that horrible shit that makes you think that you’re gonna die.

Zack: I hate that shit.

Aqua: It’s that horrible moment where you’re like, you’re in a situation and you have to leave the situation and go far away—

Zack: So no one will know.

Aqua: —because you have no idea what is going to happen once you sit down. It’s like, is this gonna be a false alarm or…

Zack: Am I gonna shit myself.

Aqua: Am I gonna shit myself on that toilet. The most EMBARRASSING of pants-shitting episodes!

Zack: I thought you were gonna say the most embarrassing place to shit, and I’m like it’s really not, it’s like the most appropriate.

Aqua: No, no, shitting in your pants on the toilet is by far the most embarrassing—

Zack: AH HAH! ‘CAUSE HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!

Aqua: It meant that you were five seconds too slow.

Zack: Yeah. Stupid Hades…I wish I could’ve fought that insanely huge plothole he just pointed out. My fire materia would’ve had no problems against that guy! OH SHIT, YOU WON! That means we gotta celebrate somehow!

Aqua: Yeah, by me getting off this rock.

Zack: Okay, I know you hate getting hit on, but my idea of a date is really more us just hanging out and doing fun stuff in order to celebrate how fucking badass you are as a person. And if you don’t enjoy yourself, no hard feelings! I’m a pretty optimistic guy, I’ll bounce back!

Aqua: …What would Aerith say, though.

Zack: I don’t know, I haven’t met her yet I don’t think maybe I only watched a Crisis Core walkthrough like once and don’t remember shit.

Aqua: …Yeah, I gotta leave, like, right now.

Zack: Okay, how ‘bout you come back around the time I make SOLDIER First Class, and then we see what happens?

Aqua: You’ll be with Aerith by then so no.

Zack: *apparently couldn’t hear her over his squatting* I know this great place in Wutai, you’ll love it! Later! *runs off*

Hercules: *runs in* I totally missed everything, didn’t I. Also why is your face red?

Aqua: …Zack was really cute, okay?! But he’s supposed to be with Aerith and I can never really stay in one place for too long anyway and…Gah, it’s just complicated, all right?

Hercules: Okay, okay, I won’t bring it up anymore.

Aqua: Awesome. So let’s talk about you. I get that physical strength is important in a world where you literally have to fight giant monsters routinely, but being a hero takes something more than that, you know?

Hercules: Yeah, I’m starting to get that. You, Terra, Zack, and even Ventus who we also ran into and aren’t telling you about…All of you have something just a little bit extra that I desperately need.

Aqua: I AM BLATANTLY TELLING YOU THAT A TRUE HERO ISN’T MEASURED BY THE SIZE OF HIS STRENGTH BUT BY THE STRENGTH OF HIS HEART. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THIS UNTIL NEARLY THE END OF YOUR MOVIE.

Hercules: ABSOLUTELY.

Aqua: And now to worry about Terra some more before I’m automatically ejected from this planet.

Mark of a Hero: Yeah who cares YOU GOT A D-LINK WITH ZACK SO LET’S JUST PRETEND THAT COUNTS AS A DATE, OKAY? OKAY!

~…So I like Zack, so sue me.~

Chapter Text

~No, you don't understand, I don't think that giant Stitch plushie would've fit through the doors of our house, it was so big. Couldn't do it.~

Aqua: *heads to Deep Space* Wow, just straight onto the Prison Transport, huh.

Unversed: *are kind of just chilling in that room*

Aqua: Damn it, was hoping for at least one world without these shitlords… *kills a shitton of the respawning fuckers and picks up Experiment 626’s homemade Wayfinder* …Wait, am I here before Ven for once?! That’s kind of awesome!

Experiment 626: *swipes it from her hand*

Aqua: *summons Destiny’s Embrace in Defense Mode*

Experiment 626: *growls at her in Attack Mode*

Aqua: *delivers the very worst voice acting in the entire series with this line; I love you, Speedy, but come on* Tell me. Where did you get that.

Experiment 626: *notices Aqua’s Keyblade and calms down, whether because of the flowers or because he recognizes the shape*

Captain Gantu: Come out, you piece of dren! *jumps into the ventilation system* You there. Trelk. Have you seen a blue freak of nature in a red jumpsuit pass through here?

Aqua: *scoffs* I do not appreciate being called that, sir. I dress how I want because I want and if I want sex I’ll verbally state it, got it?

Captain Gantu: Sure, fine, whatever, now have you seen Experiment 626 or not?

Aqua: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Captain Gantu: You worthless pudding brain! I’m talking about Dr. Jumba Jookiba’s artificial life form! Number 626! It’s the only one he’s ever made apparently despite it being such a high number! It’s a weapon of mass destruction!

Aqua: That adorable little thing’s a weapon?!

Captain Gantu: To get people to underestimate him, yes, now where he at?

Aqua: Ventilation system.

Captain Gantu: Frell! Time to start shooting blindly at the vents, then. *begins to walk away but stops* Wait a minute…Who the hell are you and why don’t I recognize you’re not exactly from my neck of space?

Aqua: …Well I am from a different planet, but…

Captain Gantu: Oh dren, not another one of you. How many frelling trespassers are we going to have today?

Aqua: Depends on how many of the Unversed respawn, really.

Captain Gantu: Whatever, follow me.

Aqua: *keeps her distance*

Captain Gantu: Now don’t try anything funny!

Aqua: I’m not, I’m just terrified that you’re gonna squash me or something!

Captain Gantu: Fair, I suppose.

Grand Councilwoman: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HERE!

Captain Gantu: More intruders, ma’am.

Grand Councilwoman: Yeah but what happened to those other two guys you were tracking?

Captain Gantu: Dr. Jumba’s staying outside the prison on Tuvo, staring out a window. He’ll never end up actually moving from that spot. The other guy, I have no idea, and Experiment 626 is in the vents and I’m going after him as we speak. The real problem is the other monsters that snuck on board. Also check it, I found another intruder.

Aqua: I wasn’t trying to actually intrude, I just have magic teleporting powers that allow me to go anywhere on any planet ever. My name is Aqua and I fight those monsters for a living. Seriously, only I and a select few others can handle this threat and our weapons are, uh, locked onto our genetic coding so only we can use them.

Grand Councilwoman: But when Experiment 626 uses its own guns on the Unversed Ventus ends up fighting later he can wound it with no problem.

Aqua: No shut up, though.

Captain Gantu: It must just be his weapons, mine are useless.

Grand Councilwoman: Okay, frell it, you do whatever you have to.

Captain Gantu: …You’re just gonna take her word for it? She hasn’t even shown you the weapon she uses. For a political leader, you are very quick to trust.

Grand Councilwoman: Whatever, she’s gonna do our jobs for us so we can just kick back. The main priority is still Jumba and 626 for some reason. You’d think we’d put less emphasis on some fat guy who can’t really do much harm at this point and his pet who’s causing less damage than we’d expected, and more emphasis on killing the monsters who are actually trying to harm us, but apparently you’d be wrong. Mind doing the thing for us?

Aqua: I already volunteered as tribute, I don’t know why you didn’t hear me the first time.

Grand Councilwoman: Cool. Also try to apprehend our fugitives alive, if possible.

Aqua: …Why? Isn’t that his job?

Captain Gantu: Yeah, that’s my job! And I’m not gonna show my incompetence until the end of the movie; you still trust me by this point!

Grand Councilwoman: Yes but I want you out of the way for the rest of this section so sit down and shut up.

Captain Gantu: No! I will kill everyone in this room!

Aqua: ...Well I, um—

Captain Gantu: Starting with me!

Aqua: Oh. Well that's a great plan.

Captain Gantu: Starting with me.

Aqua: I love that list.

Grand Councilwoman: We’ll let you know where the monsters are—

Aqua: They’re in every single area that doesn’t have a glowy circle like the one over there and they constantly reappear whenever you reenter one of the cleared-out rooms regardless?

Grand Councilwoman: True, but if you get rid of them once in two specific areas, we’ll be able to move on with the plot.

Aqua: Okay, cool. *turns to walk away* So why was Experiment 626 carrying a Wayfinder and why don’t we get to check out the later parts of the movie.

Grand Councilwoman: Hordes of monsters have been sighted in the prison block and outside the transport ship. They are impeding the ship’s departure and must be eradicated. Would you help us?

Aqua: I just noticed that it’s a good thing you all conveniently speak English…Japanese…whatever, even though you’re from way deeper into space than we will ever go probably. *fights her way through the corridor and puts her armor on so she can go outside into space*

Glider battles: *are waaaaaaaay too much fucking fun*

Aqua: *sees Experiment 626’s Wayfinder drifting towards her and grabs it* …How the shit did this end up out here. *returns to the save point after much leveling and exploring and gathering items and things*

Grand Councilwoman: All that remains is the swarm of monsters in the prison block.

Aqua: Neat. *teleports to Tuvo and sees Experiment 626 looking around*

Experiment 626: *is ignorant as three Unversed sneak up on him*

Aqua: OH HOW BADASS AM I. *takes them all out in one strike* So…I have to take you into custody now.

Experiment 626: Terra!

Aqua: …Or we could talk more?

More Unversed: *appear*

Aqua: You motherfuckers. You are ALL the dicks. *kills all that appear with Experiment 626’s help* Hey, thanks, bro.

Experiment 626: *is clearly looking for something*

Aqua: You lose the Wayfinder?

Experiment 626: Terra! *climbs a thing and somehow disappears from the room by doing this*

Aqua: ALSO HOW DO YOU KNOW and he’s gone. Shit. NO DON’T AUTOMATICALLY TRANSPORT ME BACK TO THE CONTROL ROOM—Augh, there were items in those cells!

Grand Councilwoman: Shut up, Dr. Jumba and Experiment 626 are on the launch deck. Go get ‘em.

Aqua: First I want to know who I’m getting. Experiment 626 didn’t seem that bad. He even helped me fight some of the monsters and I think he knows a friend of mine.

Grand Councilwoman: We assume he is pure evil. He swore at us one time, you know.

Aqua: I instantly believe you and agree to go get him.

Grand Councilwoman: Dr. Jumba and Experiment 626 are on the launch deck. I have released the door lock. Please hurry.

Aqua: Hang on, gotta do a thing first. *heads back to the prison block and murders a bunch of shit while also gathering more items and stockpiling on ice cream ingredients before heading to the launch deck and having fun with the lack of gravity in the previous room*

Dr. Jumba: Okay, I’m out of ideas, let’s just turn ourselves in and get it over with. Maybe they’ll let me fix you so you stop acting so…weird.

Experiment 626: Noogistigiba! Lagagijiba!

Aqua: Hey, so, um, I’m here to take you in I guess? And I’ve got Experiment 626’s Wayfinder as bait even.

Experiment 626: TERRA! *swipes it again and nuzzles it*

Aqua: Despite knowing that you know Terra, who has a Wayfinder, and you making something that looks like a Wayfinder, I have to ask how you know about Wayfinders.

Dr. Jumba: Yeah, Terra showed 626 his Wayfinder one time. Well, 626 tried to steal it, I should say. Terra said that a friend of his gave him that thing and he was very protective of it. Mostly because it was made of fucking glass.

Aqua: Aww, he really is grateful for our friendship. And because of that I’m assuming he’s using the power of friendship to prevent him from turning evil. Which I am very much okay with.

Dr. Jumba: It sucks, though, because 626 is supposed to destroy everything he lays his hands on, and now I find he’s actually created something! I can’t take this shit! *blinks* Wait, where did he find the parts to make it? He just said he had them, or did he pick them up?

Aqua: He was lucky enough to find them.

Dr. Jumba: Yeah, guess he went through his stool one day.

Experiment 626: Icky pooey.*barely dodges a space bullet blast*

Aqua: …Dude, you were ordered to sit this one out! And also not to kill them. You’re not supposed to go this off the deep end until the TV show!

Captain Gantu: Chalk it up to poor writing, then! Also murder fun. Imma kill both of ‘em!

Experiment 626: LALA PATOOKIE!

Captain Gantu: I’M JUST BIG-BONED! *jumps down and starts chasing Experiment 626, who runs away for some reason even though he could totally take him*

Aqua: Seriously, what the shit! No one should ever disobey orders like this!

Captain Gantu: Then I’ll see you in hell!

Aqua: …OHMIGOD YOU’RE MY BOSS FIGHT FOR THIS SECTION I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO KICK YOUR ASS FOR FIFTEEN YEARS LET’S FUCKING DO THIS.

Experiment 626: *helps by shooting Gantu and occasionally letting himself be thrown at him for maximum damage*

Captain Gantu: Even though all my health is gone, I can still shoot you in the face!

Grand Councilwoman: …You do know we have cameras all over this ship, right? I totally saw everything that happened just now.

Captain Gantu: JUST LET ME DO MY JOB!

Grand Councilwoman: No. *walks right past him* Thank you for disciplining Captain Gantu for me. Oh, and for recapturing Experiment 626 as well, I guess.

Experiment 626: *is just kind of standing there*

Aqua: …My ovaries are exploding from the force of your adorableness.

Grand Councilwoman: Captain Gantu, escort Experiment 626 to a desert asteroid to which he’s been banished so we can actually start the movie already. When you get back, you’re stuck on patrol.

Captain Gantu: But you rarely get to kill anything on patrol!

Grand Councilwoman: That is rather the idea, yes.

Captain Gantu: *grumbling* I may be a huge murderer, but you people are the real monsters!

Dr. Jumba: Why are we both coming so quietly right now.

Experiment 626: Phrasing.

Dr. Jumba: Shut your butt.

Aqua: Oh come on! Experiment 626 is clearly learning a lot in such a short amount of time!

Grand Councilwoman: So what? He’s still extremely dangerous and volatile!

Aqua: Did you not notice him coming quietly all of a sudden?! And what about that Gantu guy, he directly disobeyed orders, why isn’t he being sent to a desert asteroid?! From what I’ve seen he’s way more dangerous and volatile than this cute little guy!

Grand Councilwoman: Aqua, you don’t understand. We have lightened up on his sentencing.

Aqua: What?

Grand Councilwoman: Yes, we were going to just murder him to death.

Aqua: …Fine, I wash my hands of this weirdness. *bends down in front of Experiment 626 and puts her hand on his Wayfinder* YOU ARE TOO FUCKING CUTE I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO TAKE YOU HOME WITH ME but I can’t since I have to keep traveling and it turns out that my home planet’s gonna be destroyed soon anyway so that’s a no-go. Anyway, I’d like to count you in on my circle of friends. You already know Terra, and my name is Aqua, and there’ll be another boy visiting shortly named Ventus.

Experiment 626: A-koo-wa, fren…Terra…Ven.

Aqua: Close enough. I give you three more days to learn this language perfectly, okay? *stands up*

Experiment 626: *casually walks back to prison and forms a D-Link with Aqua on his way out*

Hyperdrive: Finally, a Keyblade you can change to!

Aqua: Oh hurrah!

~I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE WHY DID WE ONLY GET TO GO TO SPACE THAT SUCKS.~

Aqua: *is chillin’ out in space* …On the other hand I don’t particularly like this movie so let’s just get this over with. *goes to Neverland*

Slightly: *is walking along with Cubby in the Indian Camp and sees a map on the ground* MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

Aqua: What’s this? *picks up map*

Slightly: …Why are we not freaking out that there’s a girl here?

Cubby: Yeah, we should immediately be asking her to be our mother.

Peter Pan: We can’t do that, men! We have to come up with an even more annoying gimmick for this stage! And that’s us forcing her to go along with whatever we make her do!

Aqua: Bitch I will shoot so many fireballs up your asshole, you have no idea how many fucking Mega Flares I got equipped—

Slightly: Okay, you’re gonna lead us on a quest for buried treasure!

Aqua: …Oh. That’s dramatically better than what I was thinking.

Cubby: Here’s hoping she actually has leadership qualities. You know how girls are.

Aqua: Hey, did you know that kids don’t require that much oxygen? That’s why they’re hard to smother.

Tinker Bell: *gets very put out and silently complains to Pan*

Peter Pan: No, we can have lost girls as well, it’s just that they’re generally much too clever to fall out of their carriages! So we doing this or what.

Aqua: I still don’t wanna. There’s kind of a universe I have to save from monsters…which I know for a fact will be swarming this entire island so why the shit are you letting these incredibly young children running loose like this, they should be staying inside where it’s safe!

Peter Pan: Sorry, but rules are rules! If you don’t comply, we won’t be able to do the thing!

Slightly and Cubby: Aww, we’re so disappointed that we’re looking down!

Camera: …So why the crap am I focusing upwards?

Aqua: Also I thought you came here to get away from rules.

Peter Pan: No, I came here to escape my stupid son and to be eternally young again and to exert my authority over those weaker than myself.

Aqua: The family tree in Once is so fucking convoluted at this point, I think I just might stop…But I still kind of enjoyed that particular season on the whole so I’ll go along with this shit for now.

Slightly and Cubby: You have made two small child persons very happy!

Aqua: I’m so glad for you. Just remember, kids: You are not the future. *opens map* As far as I can tell, from this one square foot of land being the only place I’ve been on the entire island and you lot seemingly not doing a damn thing to help me get my bearings, Imma just point to a random spot on the map and say we’re there.

Peter Pan: Works for us, we don’t know how to read maps anyway!

Slightly: So can we get a move on? We actually kind of want to get this over with as badly as you do.

Peter Pan: Hang on, we never did catch your name. I’m Peter Pan and I can actually tell that Tink is jealous somehow. I’m sure I’ll unlearn that over the next decade or so.

Slightly and Cubby: You’ll have to go to your psychic journal thing that you never actually write in to find out our names!

Aqua: Aqua.

Peter Pan: I think both Terra and Ven mentioned you at points!

Aqua: Sorry?

Peter Pan: Meet ya at Mermaid Lagoon! *flies off with Tinker Bell*

Aqua: …Why do I not show any surprise at his ability to do that.

Neverland title card: And seriously, what’re the kids still doing out here.

Aqua: …Holy shit the prize pods are in the Indian Camp. Now seeing as how I’ve been visiting the Mirage Arena now and again off-page… *gets all the ingredients she needs, finds the nearest save point, and leaves for Disney Town to get the Sweetstack Keyblade* And now I will never have to worry about anything ever again. *goes back to Neverland and dicks around killing shit and collecting items until the next cutscene is triggered*

Captain Hook: *is standing casually on a rock outcropping* TIME FOR SOME CHILD MURDER!

Aqua: …Why do I keep forgetting that you’re actually a horrible monster? Is it because you’re constantly incompetent all the time?

Captain Hook: Shut up, girlie, I’m trying to murder some children!

Aqua: People are butthurt when their kids die. Pro-tip.

Peter Pan: Can you fail to murder us again later, we’re kind of in the middle of something here.

Aqua: You’re taking this in stride.

Peter Pan: He does this every day, it’s kind of annoying.

Captain Hook: Fine, just gimme back me treasure and we’ll call it even.

Aqua: Sure hope he doesn’t mean those chests I’ve been looting since I got here…

Peter Pan: Just ignore the smelly old codfish. *starts walking away and the other four follow him*

Hook: I’ll cleave you into two bits, boy! *turns around* Smee! Cleave this boy into two bits!