Chapter Text
You know that moment when your life literally flashes through your eyes?
I do.
This sensation.. felt somewhat familiar.
Eyes widening, I realized. This was—
My first walk, first talk...
First school day, first friend, first fight, first cry...
First love.
It all passed me by in a big blur.
I tried reaching forward, to a hazy memory of a happy me, aged 10, playing catch with an energetic ball of fluff.
Vicchan. A pang of pain and grief ran through my chest.
As I skimmed through every memory flashing before my eyes, the feeling on my chest only lightened and soon, I was enveloped in a calming acceptance.
I surrendered myself to the reality: I was going to die.
Laying in my hospital bed, physically and mentally absent, I couldn't say that I wasn't happy with how my life went.
I had great friends, a great family — literally nothing could make me complain about the life I've lived.
It's just that...
Just that I didn't get to tell him my feelings.
That familiar ache rose in my chest yet again as his beaming, heart-shaped smile and crinkled eyes came into view. The silver locks that I would never get the chance to caress, the pale yet strong hands that I would never get to hold, the broad body that I would never get to embrace, the rosy cheeks that I would never get to stroke— the lips that I would never get to kiss..
It was just too late.
A tear welled up as I watched another memory— of him and me, this time— our very first meeting.
Time sure flies when you're having fun, huh?
It was just months ago, two to be exact, that I was free.
I roamed the busy streets outside, humming to a tune I never even knew, kicking miniscule pebbles on the sidewalk.
I have never went out for coffee as much as I did this past two months.
I smiled wryly as I looked on the scene in front of me, memories still fresh in my mind like the vivid colors of the leaves that day as they fell from its branches.
In the distance, I could hear a voice resonating through the depths of my thoughts.
'Yuuri' it called in an anguished tone. I wonder why?
Why cry for someone like me?
I don't deserve you, whoever you are.
I'm sorry.
A tear streamed down my cheek and a near non-existent pain surrounded my heart in its tight grip as the scenic view of memories replaying, before my eyes, faded into darkness.
Thank you.
With eyes closed, I welcomed death's embrace and the darkness consumed my being.
Thank you, Viktor.
A shrill sound rang through the room as I roused from my sleepy daze.
Glancing at the alarm, I read the time.
5:00 AM.
Seriously, it's way too early for anything!
Groaning, my outstretched hand reached for the offending alarm, "Yeah, yeah. Shut up."
Slamming my hand on the alarm, I got up and yawned.
Yet another dull day.
Until I saw the notification on my phone.
Is that—?
v-nikiforov posted a new blog!
Scrambling over to grab my laptop, I plopped down on my bed and pulled up Viktor Nikiforov's blog.
It was a blog of his travel to Switzerland this time.
Oh yeah, he visited his bff Chris over the summer.
Laughing at a particular bit of his narrative about Chris fighting with a woman for a particularly nice scarf at a sale, I prepared my things.
(Yuuri could literally hear Phichit saying, "God, those two are so gay! Yuuri, I must not get beaten by those— those amateurs!")
Smiling at the words dripping of excitement, I sighed and closed the laptop to go and get dressed.
Time to start training.
"Yuuri!"
I was met with a smother and a beaming face, "Phichit."
Phichit steps back and pouts, "Aren't you happy to see your bestest, most awesome friend in the whole, entire world?"
I only laughed in reply and nodded, "Sure, okay."
Scoffing, Phichit turned away from me then muttered, "Rude."
"Phichit! Yuuri! You're not warming up!"
We both stand at attention, "Yes coach!"
Panting, I got back to my lunges with Phichit sliding over to my side with a grin, "So...?"
"What?"
"What's with the good mood?" Phichit asked, wriggling his eyebrows in a suggestive manner.
I sighed and gave him a wary smile, "Nothing."
"Yeah right!" He laughed, pointing at me, "Viktor's posted a new blog, didn't he?"
Blushing, I sputtered out weak responses, "Psh— no way!"
Phichit whipped out his phone, grinning mischievously, "Way ahead of ya, buddy!"
I looked up in search of Celestino ("It's Ciao-Ciao!" Phichit retorted), and let out a breath of relief when he was all the way inside his office.
Time for revenge.
I let out a warrior's scream, tackling Phichit to the ground, taking him by surprise and giving me the upperhand.
"Yuuri! What the hell!"
"Stop it, Phichit! Seriously!"
"Hey! Did you just pull on my hair?!"
"You hit me in the eyeball!"
"The hell! It was an accident!"
"Well, sorry!"
"I'm sorry too!"
We both stopped flailing around and laughed, only stopping when Phichit actually hit his head on the floor. Gasping, I helped him up and worriedly asked if he was okay, to which he replied with his loud laughter, "Duh! I'm literally hardheaded, Yuuri."
Right.
"Oh! No wonder you smiled so bright this early in the morning!"
Phichit grinned and hovered his phone in front of my face, showing me a picture of Viktor and Chris in their swimsuits, lounging around by the poolside, attempting classy poses, "Just look at the comments on these! 'Damn, dat ass doe!' Haha!"
I only sighed, smacking Phichit on the arm, "Just get back to your training, god!"
"Yuuri," Phichit started, grinning, "You're such a dork."
I replied mischievously, "But I'm your dork?"
Laughing, Phichit pulled me in for a hug, "True!"
After a bit more of stretching, I deemed it enough to prepare me for my time on the ice. Tying up my skates, I placed the skate guards over the blades and walked on over to the rink's entrance.
The ice looked as smooth as it feels. Taking a few steps forward, I glided in ease over to the center before making my usual circles around the rink. Warming up was highly important, Celestino says, and I think so as well.
Phichit thinks it's a bother, though. He can get pretty impatient.
(Yeah, that's the biggest understatement of the century. The Thai screamed at a man who held up the line at a grocery store for forgetting to grab a tube of toothpaste after bringing over a grocery cart that's been fulled to the brim with his crap. "But, Yuuri! Everything in his cart's been punched in and then he remembers? He had to be messing with us!")
Making circles around the rink not only prepared my body for the rigourous training to come, but also decluttered my already cluttered mind. It was a relaxation tactic, one can say.
Wind whipped through my air as I glided faster and faster, everything around me a pleasant blur.
God, this is what I live for, but damn, I'm just not feeling up for some training today.
Just thinking of the sore limbs I'd have by the time training's over brings shudders down my spine.
"Yuuri!"
Coming to a stop, I glanced over to Phichit who was holding up his phone.
I gave him a questioning glance, "Do a quad toe loop! Please? Let me record it too! I won't post it — just for educational purposes! I want to land one soon!"
Phichit beamed hopefully as I carefully analyzed the situation. I know Phichit's not stupid enough to attempt practing jumps without Celestino or someone supervising him, though Phichit was stupid enough to think that he can do a backflip on ice without properly landing one on land, but I can give him the benefit of the doubt.
He wants a quad in his roster for this year.
My friend needs help, who am I to refuse?
(Wow, Yuuri. And maybe someday, you'd regret this when Celestino's scolding you and Phichit's landed himself in the hospital with a sprained ankle or whatever stupid injury he'd get for a stupid move.)
And despite all my thoughts...
I smiled and nodded, "Sure. Hang on."
I made two more laps around the rink, as a last warm-up.
Counting down to five, I prepared for the quad.
Just when I was about to make the jump, a painful pang ran through my chest, and I was unable to breathe so suddenly.
What—?
In a split-second, various thoughts came through my mind, but one particular thought stood out from the rest: this was not a panic attack.
The pain was intense, nothing like my anxiety-induced attacks before.
I crashed on the ice, coughing and heaving for air. Phichit gasped, "Yuuri!"
That seemed to garner needed attention as Celestino ran from his office, and in a minute, he was holding me up with a frantic Phichit, "Yuuri! Can you hear me? What's wrong?!"
Unable to reply, I just coughed and huffed out air. Something was restricting my throat. There was something there that I didn't feel before—
No. I felt this at least three times before today. But, it wasn't this painful! It went away in a couple of minutes!
It felt like my lungs were drowning. I was like a fish out of water; my lungs starved for oxygen but it couldn't keep up because there was something terribly wrong.
Celestino and Phichit held me up from the waist up and sat me up on the nearest bench.
Celestino called for an ambulance as Phichit tried to guide me with breathing exercises.
Even if I followed along, it felt pointless. There was no way I was going to be able to breathe like this.
The lack of sufficient oxygen led me to a hazy state, my conciousness failing me. The only thing I could remember was Phichit's frantic voice and Celestino's words to the telephone operator.
"...he collapsed after attempting a jump, coughing out bloodied red petals."