Chapter Text
"No, start again. Your voice is too bland and it doesn't fit the song. Start again."
Jin listened as the music teacher cut through his heart. That's all he ever said to him, too bland, too coarse too unprofessional. Jin could count on one hand how many times the producer had complimented his singing. This wouldn't be surprising if he was a strict teacher, or if he recently started working with the group, but with the knowledge that the same man had been teaching him since he started made Jin yearn for the praise the other members received.
"Maybe we should give these lines to Taehyung. Or maybe Jungkook. They seem to be better at it. It's best for the group. Okay", the producer said in a cool voice, he was nonchalant as this was a common occurrence during album preparation. Jin bowed his head in shame.
Those words had taken another blow to Jin's already fragile ego. The loss of the few lines would mean his voice would be only heard for another couple of seconds. But it was supposedly best for the group, as Jin knew he wasn't hitting the notes correctly, which could mean he would mess them up during a live performance. So with a regretful smile, he turned his body to face the producer and said a feeble "yes."
So Jin sat in the small uncomfortable groove of the armchair whilst the other members recorded their lines. The stress was eating him alive: how would he execute his solo perfectly if he couldn't instead those simple lines properly?
For many months he had been writing and producing his solo piece, Awake. A house ballad that spoke of all his pains and worries. His endless suffering. It talked about how he could never be as good as the rest of the members, but he never let that stop him.
He had tried multiple occasions to produce beats, lyrics, dance moves, anything. Yet 90% of the time he was met with a decline. For being told to sit and look pretty to being offered a sponsor there are very few drawbacks Jin can look back on and confidently say they helped him grow.
After being told he was too pretty to be smart and become a doctor he dropped out to become an idol. Yet he still suffered. His handsomeness was a sin.
Many people would call him vain if the EVER voiced that out. But it was the truth, his face was a sin. Ever since he became good looking, people would judge him based on his looks. Whatever he achieved, the stigma that his visuals helped him stayed close by his side and Jin could never get rid of it. Living in a country where life revolves around your face, he couldn't be more tired. Good looks get you certain jobs but they drag around jealousy and black looks. Looks Jin will forever wish was admiration instead.
The constant conspiracies that Jin manipulated his way to fame always hurt bus head. One cannot look good without there being a catch. No one knew this better than Seokjin.
"Cheer up hyung, I promise you will get more lines in the other songs, and I and Tae will be willing to share our lines during the performances," Jimin tried desperately to lighten Jin's exceedingly dampening mood. Bless the child, though, always trying to help the other members. A true Angel.
He ways felt like he wasn't good enough for the group. Even the simplest lines that didn't require a professional were always given to Jungkook, the line that could easily be given to him. Whenever he questioned the companies choices, the always newer would always be "Jungkook fits the lines better, he executes it the best". But wasn't Jin's role in the group a visual, the one who performs the most aesthetic parts?
At a time like that Jin's body would fill with jealousy and longing for attention. The attention that any other member certainly make a would receive. However, no matter how much his jealousy thrived, he could never hate the poor child. The small, lost kid he spent years taking care of and nurturing. The same kid that belittled and pestered Seokjin daily. The same kid that made fun of his age and preferences. The same kid that sized him daily and made him feel pathetic.
Despite the arrogant child being constantly up in his throat, not one single cell could hate him. Every time he burst in front of him, he would be reminded of the small Kookie staying on the footsteps of the dorm, all fragile and bare, looking scared and vulnerable as he gazed at Jin with hope.
It was no secret in Bangtan how on multiple occasions, Jin had approached either Namjoon or a senior and questioned whether it was right for him to be debuting. Even before their debut, he wondered how relevant he was in the group, whether BTS would still be standing with a Billboard award if he wasn't in the group.
Even before debut, he felt like a shadow, and even though Namjoon comforted him many times and said the fans would adore him he wasn't shy to the constant hate he would get over his voice.
"HE'S the visual?! What is Bighit thinking, it's obviously the maknea line",
"They only gave him that role because he can't do anything else, how pathetic".
It wasn't the fact they insulted his looks that hurts him- everyone is entitled to their opinion- but the fact his only purpose into the group was why he got laughed at.
He couldn't say he didn't expect the hate. Just the opposite. However, no amount of pep talks and meditation could've prepared him for the hurricane known as social media and keyboard warriors. He had no other achievements in the group. What could he say?
Acting. Jin could act. There had been many times he had tried to persuade his manager to consider getting him a part in a movie or drama. Many idols became famous that way, and it would benefit the group massively. Despite him begging to and pleading and reasoning and asking and suggesting, it never worked out.
"BTS need to focus on the music right now, we need to hit it big", so due to this Jin accepted Bang Shiyuk and decided to wait patiently.
However, his heart died a little when poor sweet Taehyung walking into the dorm just TWO weeks later with the biggest grin on his face and even bigger news.
Jin tried to act nonchalant when Tae revealed he was cast for Hwarang as a supporting role with many other admirable actors. But deep inside betrayal and insecurity were forming.
Wouldn't ARMIES support a drama regardless of who was acting? Or was everything biased?
But despite his worries, he continued to support Tae as much as he could because he was another Jungkook, a small child that Jin would never stop protecting. Ignoring the pain and questions, he strived to support Tae and make a name for himself by spending hours putting notes on the script and crafts the right and mount of emotion so Taehyung could flawlessly unleash his inner Lee Minho.
His efforts didn't go to waste and Tae never forgot to thank Jin whilst the drama became a huge success.
Even though that was the outcome Seokjin felt his worth falling and opportunities slipping away.
All that was left was to bear it. He was a crucial part of Bangtan.
Right?