Work Text:
Curiously the audience awaited whatever secrets the yet dark stage might reveal. Their anxious speculation were put on hold when admiral Hackett's rough voice boomed through the speakers: "Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to our demonstration. As announced, today you will first hand experience the exciting results of the latest coorporation between the system alliance and the salarian STG! Leading through the presentation will be Dr. Zikow Nass."
The admiral led a brief but courteous applause and stepped away from the speaker's desk, making way for a wide-eyed salarian.
"Thank you very much Admiral. Lights please!"
Shepard squinted, dazzled by the bright spots illuminating the stage, as did his friends next to him. He cought Kaidan's eyes who tiredly shrugged his shoulders in response. Ashley displayed her best disapproving look. He couldn't blame her, this wasn't acutally his favorite day either. While they had been out for lunch in some street cafe with a couple of friends (only six references to wrecked sushi places, yay) there had been a mishap when Eezo accidentally tried to fetch a waiter. As Jack tried to entangle the waiter from his apron a krogan jogger bumped into them. When all of them tumbled onto the roadway and a dodging skykar nearly hit a marching band things started to get out of hand. The whole mess resolved into a hospitalized krogan, a concussioned Jack, two traumatized marimbists and a ton of paperwork. Of course right after they finally had sorted this out some distressed adjutant of Admiral Hackett's had called, requesting them to take part in some display because the originally scheduled specialist was indisposed. Naturally there hadn't been time to lay out any details.
Apparently the audience was equally confused, as Shepard could here murmurs like 'Sure, our spectres, we've heard of them, what's new about that?'
Dr. Nass continued undeterred. "Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our latest outfit."
From the side three cute little kitties jumped onto the stage and frolicked around.
"THE KITTY BRIGADE!" Dr. Nass rousingly introduced, but Shepard was only listening with one ear "Awwwwwww!" while Ashley rejoiced "Soooo Cuuuuuute!" and Kaidan was already on all fours. "Here kitty, come to Kaidan!"
"Doctor, it was my understanding that..." A frowning Hackett got a little bit closer to Nass to talk into his ear.
"Nooooo." Dr. Nass looked appalled. "Varren not suitable. Males too easily distracted by plusch toys. Females too... aggessive. Dangerous to work with." He rubbed is backside bearing a very painful expression, then recovered his confidence and continued with renewed zeal.
"Cats much better! Sharp teeth too, but smaller! Safe to handle, eager to learn! Also, element of surprise."
Hackett opens his mouth but seems unable to come up with an answer.
*********
Now, dear reader, would be the perfect time to look at this magnificent picture Kitty Brigade by forever-in-a-day that inspired this little story. If you don't know the picture, watch it. If you already know it, watch it again. :-) It's awesome!
*********
The Salarian now was in his element, as he continued excitedly. "First, please direct attention to Lt. Bubbles over here. Bypassed Shepard's defenses in single nifty move. Now in perfect position for attack to vulnerable parts as throat and neck. Please note how Sgt. Jellybean tricked Williams to completley let down guard. Could easily tie her bootlaces together, she wouldn't even notice. And finally observe how Sgt. Buttons over there put his four main weapons in position, while Alenko is absolutely unaware about the dire danger he is in."
By now Hackett seemed slightly disgruntled.
"Ehm... very nice... how about some actual combat demonstration?"
Dr. Nass apparently didn't catch Hackett's slight sarcastic undertone.
"With pleasure!" He yelled enthusiastically. "Ladies and gentlemen, please not be concerned about participants health, all of them fully trained professionals! Cats have new MVC 'Feline' F7! Humans also passable! Kitty brigade, attack!"
He encouraged the cats with waving arms, who however were more interested in getting their belly ruffled, their ears scratched or chasing the laser pointer of Shepard's Predator. With increasing despair Dr. Nass tried to motivate his squad while convincing the audience of it's savagery.
"Uh, don't just toy there... need to... oh, or could just roll up into furry ball, sure."
"Ehm... this rasping you hear... this actually is... a sound of aggression, yes it is! Notice how similar to reaper indoctrination! What you say admiral? Purring? Oh, yes, could call it that too..."
"This headrubbing is actually quite... painful... uh... I think... Spectres are just very resistant to... eh..."
"When done with getting tummy tickled you could... Come on, like we trained... ehm..."
"Maybe we should... we experiencing some slight... curtain! curtain!"
Shepard was on the ground, one of the cats bouncing up and down trying to reach the flashy thermal clip he was holding up, when he noticed the curtains were coming down. He called Ashley who was cuddling so close that it was impossible to tell where she ended and the kitty began, and Kaidan who was chasing the cat that had made off with one of his enery bars. Kaidan snatched the cat and pulled Ashley to her feet, and the three looked around. Hackett was coming their way, looking not very happy.
"That didn't go the way I planned. Thank you for your help anyway."
Ashley chuckled, still cuddling the cat. "Worked for me! Happy to help, Sir!"
Kaidan followed with a purring kitty wrapped around his shoulders. "This one has Fluff seven!"
"Can we keep the cats?" Shepard asked and Kaidan cheered. "Oh yay!"
"Well, I guess you could ask Dr. Nass. But I got the impression that he wants to continue this... project. With training... you know." He sighed.
Ashley made her sulky face while Kaidan attempted to object. "We could train them..."
"Ah, there he comes. I probably need to file a report. And some liquor. Well, thank you again." Hackett bid his goodbye and left, incidentally in the opposite direction to where Dr. Nass was talking to some stage hand.
"Guys?" Shepard gathered his two best friends.
On the way out they came along Dr. Nass who seems to be looking for something.
"Have you seen cats?" he asked them.
"Cats?" Kadian appeared totally clueless. Ashley also seemed oblivious. "You mean..."
"No." Shepard helped them out.
"Too bad. Will keep looking. Have to be here somewhere. Need to continue training. Thanks for help with demonstration."
He shook Shepard's hand. Shepard had put up his hoodie's hood, which bulged a little bit above his head.
"Something wrong with your hood? Looks weird, bumpy."
"Oh, that's just the fabric, a pinch too much starch in the laundry." he waved off.
"I see." Nass shook Ashley's hand. "Something wrong? Your middle breast seems to move."
"I have no idea what you are talking about, Dr."
"Ah, never mind." Finally he shook Kaidan's hand.
"You all right? Stomach seems swollen. Didn't notice before. You sick?"
"No, no, I just went to the buffet for a second helping. You know how it is with us biotics", Kaidan chuckled.
"I see. Anyway, thank you for help. Unfortunately demonstration not convincing. Maybe you will do better next time."
The three stepped up their pace and left.
"Let's catproof the apartement!" Shepard suggested.
Kaidan was looking at a message on his omni tool: "Jack is ok and comes over tomorrow. Do you think eezo likes kittys?"
Ashley enthusiastically cheered. "Everybody loves the kitty brigade!"