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When Tony had asked his team to move in he had briefly thought; “I went to college, living with other people wasn’t that miserable. These are grown adults, it should be fine.”
No training experience any of them had EVER could prepare them for living with Clint Barton. The man was a menace and he took great joy in causing chaos.
Less than a week after inviting the archer, Tony was the first to get a taste of how unpredictable Clint was. He had been in the middle of recalibrating his repulsors when Clint arrived in the workshop covered in dust and coughing slightly.
“So the air ducts need cleaning. If Steve gets his way and we get a chore chart, I call cleaning them out.”
Tony lifted off his goggles and stared at the archer.
“One I already vetoed a chore chart. We aren’t children and I have cleaning staff. Also, I really didn’t think I would ever have to ask anyone this pretty much ever, but why were you crawling around in the ventilation system?”
Clint had picked up a wrench and swiveled in the chair he had commandeered ever so slightly.
“I have been asked this so many times I actually have a bullet pointed argument in writing in my room. First, it’s good to know all places where we could be infiltrated. Second, familiarity with my surroundings makes me comfortable and allows me to plot out potential escape routes in case of said infiltration. Third, have you seen my core and arms? That shit is a great workout.”
To make his point he made sure to flex and wink. “You know you like it.”
Tony snorted slightly and shook his head. “Fine, if Capsicle gets his way and we get a chore chart, which we won’t because it’s my tower and I say no, you can have vent cleaning duty.”
Clint punched the air and stood. “Awesome.”
“I really think you would the only person to want to do it anyways.” Tony said, “Its not exactly a “normal person” chore to do.”
“Normal is boring.” Clint called back as he left the lab.
~@~
Steve loved his early morning runs. Some days Bruce even agreed to join him if he was running past the open air market and if Natasha was awake she would usually go with. Thor didn’t quite get the concept of running for fun and health and Tony had openly laughed in his face the one time he asked if he wanted to join. Apparently he hadn’t meant to be rude, he had just been about to go to bed after an all nighter in the lab. He did apologize to Steve for his rudeness which was a step in the correct direction. Clint on the other hand just shook his head when asked and said something about needing his beauty sleep.
Steve never understood why people would insist on getting up late if they were perfectly health. He hadn’t thought getting up at four in the morning wasn’t that much of a hardship. Especially when he could see the city without the hustle and bustle. It was almost beautiful.
It was one brisk morning when Steve had dressed to go for his run that he came out to find a rather bereft archer sitting on the couch. He was bundled in a violet hoodie and a pair of battered sweat pants. His face was buried into a pillow and he was crying so hard he was hiccuping.
“Clint! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Steve asked walking over to the archer and checking him over.
“Fuck. Nah, man it’s just. It’s Marley and me, man. This shit is brutal.” Clint said wiping his eyes off on the hem of his hoodie.
“What?” Steve asked.
“Marley and Me. It’s a movie with a dog and... fuck. Jarvis add it to Caps watch list.”
Steve shook his head and set a comforting had on his teammates shoulder and then stepped into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. He checked in one more time on Clint discretely while pretending to look over the job chart before he went on his run. Secretly worried about whatever movie could make the archer cry that hard.
He hated Clint for adding it to his watch list later.
~@~
The most patient man in the world found that he would rather have Tony jabbing him with things to provoke the Hulk then attempt to help Clint bandage wounds.
The man had a miraculous ability to slip away from Bruce while wounded and in need of care. It was as though Houdini had a love child with something boneless and that love child was covered in grease. One moment Bruce would be tending to a cut deep enough to need stitches the next he would turn away to get a cotton ball and by the time he had turned back, the needle and thread were laying absently as the only testament that the archer had ever been there at all.
If it was something medically related, the archer would disappear in an instant- regardless of who was overseeing his health. It also didn’t seem to matter at all how wounded he was. He had watched Clint pull himself into the vent system after snatching an arm brace when he had his arm broken in several places.
The archer also seemed to care very little that Bruce was the vessel for the Hulk. It didn’t stop him from dropping out of vents to scare him. He still dragged Bruce into dancing to whatever song he was playing while he cooked dinner. He had even seen images of the man riding on the Hulk’s shoulder and shooting at various enemies.
When Tony showed Bruce a video of Clint showing the Hulk how to duck face with peace signs. Bruce shook his head and looked at the archer who was cramming a piece of pizza in his mouth.
“Aren’t you afraid he will crush you?”
“Jade Jaws? Nah. He’s a giant puppy.”
Bruce simply assumed the archer was an adrenaline junkie. He had to be.
~@~
When Clint made it his personal mission to get Thor up to date on Midgard customs and gossip no one thought it was a good idea. Steve had briefly considered making it a rule that Thor not listen to Clint’s “Midgard Advice”. At first they were all pleasantly surprised when Clint gave valid advice and sound explanations.
Thor seemed to be making great strides in understanding Earth customs and Tony was relieved his glassware collection had stopped taking hits as a result. What the Avengers should have counted on was that Clint would get bored of teaching Thor nothing but “approved of” lessons.
He started to make up customs just to irritate everyone. No one thought that teaching Thor to high five was a good idea, yet suddenly Tony had two broken fingers and Steve had to explain that most humans were fragile and Thor would need to save high fives for him. “No Pants” Sundays were squashed immediately when all of the Avengers became aware Thor went commando. Not that Natasha would ever complain about that particular idea.
Clint had no trouble teaching Thor to twerk, had shown him the wonders of cat videos, and then introduced him to the cinnamon challenge. The last was unfortunately satisfying for everyone else when Thor completed the challenge with no problem (Bruce was fascinated by Thor’s saliva output).
When it they found themselves correcting more of Clint’s customs then hearing legitimate customs they gave the job of explaining things to Thor over to Bruce and Tony. If only they had caught on before Clint told Thor he could call everyone, regardless of gender, “Sugartits”.
~@~
The team trundled in one morning to find Clint in a pair of Hawkeye boxers dancing and an apron dancing to a song that Bruce knew was a popular song in India while somehow making himself a sandwich that was stacked high enough that Shaggy from Scoobydoo would have thought it was a bit excessive.
Everyone stood there stunned into silence for a moment before the archer turned and regarded them. “Wait, here’s the best part.”
Head banging for a moment to the synthesized club song he went back to putting mayo on the last piece of bread. “Love this song!”
“How are you okay with this? You have known him for...I dunno since you were hatched or where-ever you came from.” Tony asked Natasha; motioning to the archer.
“Exactly. I have known him for a very long time. This is certainly nothing new. You should have seen Prague. The shock value wears off after a few years.”
Clint pulled a false pout and gave Natasha puppy eyes that really should have been accompanied by a Sarah McLachlan song.
“Come on Tash, do I really not shock you any more?”
She arched a single perfectly groomed eyebrow at him then reached around him and plucked an apple off the counter.
“You know better, Barton. Those eyes will never work.”
With a satisfying crunch she bit into the apple and turned to leave the kitchen.
“Tash?” Tony began a bewildered look on his face.
Swiftly she stopped in front of the confused man and set a finger to his lips. “You do not have the clearance level to call me that.”
Tony held his hands up defensively and took a step back as she swept by him on her way out.
~@~
When they found out Phil was alive there had been an uproar. Threats of becoming their own team and leaving SHIELD’s protective umbrella had been thrown around before Phil showed up and told them it was necessary and no one knew he would make it until recently.
Tony immediately gave the agent his own floor and cleared a spot on “That damn chore chart Steve loves” for him. Steve made sure every piece of memorabilia was signed and he would spend hours telling Phil stories that never made print about the Howling Commandos. Bruce became in charge of Phil’s health checks and monitored his recovery offering small smiles when Phil asked how he was doing. Thor had begged forgiveness and offered to slay a great beast to offer as penance for his brother’s wrong doings and Natasha kept his SHIELD paperwork coming as long as he asked.
The only one who hadn’t welcomed Phil with open arms was Clint. The archer had seemingly all but disappeared from the common areas. The commotion was gone and when they assembled he was only there until the briefing was finished before he disappeared. Communal dinners were forgotten. There was no dancing and no amount of Thor’s asking to “Engage in the Fierce Plumber Racing Battle” could convince the archer to make an appearance.
Eventually they sent Natasha after him. She dragged the archer out kicking and screaming from the vents into the common area where Phil was sitting next to Steve.
“Hawkass! Where the hell have you been?!” Tony asked.
“Yes, ever since Phil got back you have been hiding. Why is that Clint?” Natasha said dangerously nudging her captive with her toe.
Clint mumbled something and brushed himself off. Natasha toed him a bit harder. “Come again?”
“Bruce said Phil needed calm and rest. I know I’m not the most helpful when it comes to calm.”
A commotion started up angry at the archer for not just coming to them. A single voice cut through the din and all talking stopped.
“Barton. Come here.”
Clint stood and walked like a child in trouble over to his handler. Phil reached up and pulled the agent on to the couch next to him. Clint settled next to Phil awkwardly until Phil slung an arm over the archer’s broad shoulders and pulled him close.
“I missed you sir.”
“I missed you too, Clint. Now, you have to tell me what happened last season on Dog Cops.”
“Jarvis bring up season 3 of Dog Cops. Thor don’t talk about Agent Whiskers in front of Coulson until he catches up."