Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

B’Elanna

Hot.

I’m hot.

And….I’m moving.  The ground, I’m looking at the ground.  It’s dirt red.  No, it’s red sand.

 I’m…. slung over someone’s shoulder? 

Adrenaline surges through my veins.

“What the hell!” I shout, but my words are hoarse.  “Put me down!”

“Easy,” comes a rough, masculine voice.  I feel us stop moving and my captor is doing as I asked.  My feet touch the ground and I don’t waste any time in swinging a right hook at whoever…

“Chakotay?” his face takes me by surprise as he adeptly ducks away from my fist.

He’s got both hands in the air now, surrendering.  “Easy, killer,” he says.  And the slight smile on his face is telling me that I am, in fact, safe.   

And now, my knees are buckling. 

“Woah,” he says.  I feel his strong arms catch me under my own.

The bright red horizon spins into view.  “Where the hell are we?” I ask, gaining my bearings.  My hands run instinctively over my forehead ridges then through my hair.  I seem to be all in one piece.   Fine, red sand kicks up at us in the hot wind.

“I’m not sure, but we can’t stay here,” he says.  I notice that he’s eyeing me pretty closely. 

“We were in the shuttle, and we –“

“Took heavy damage from an ion storm in the upper stratosphere.  You were knocked unconscious and I had to transport us down before the core breached.”

“So, you wrecked another shuttle.”

“Glad to see you’re feeling fine,” he says with a slight groan.  “Come on, let’s keep moving.”

My feet are slogging through the deep sand.  They feel like lead, but after a few paces I start to really regain my faculties and hit my stride.  “Where are we headed exactly?”

Fishing around the zipper of the backpack on his shoulders, Chakotay hands me a tricorder.  “Toward food and water, hopefully.  I only had time to grab one backpack.  The water won’t last us long in this heat.”

I work the device; it’s so bright out here I can barely make out the readings.  “There are life signs this way,” I realize.

“Yes, reptilian,” he says, confirming what I’m coming to observe on my own.  “I figure there has to be something for them to drink and eat.”

“Hopefully it won’t be us,” I retort. 

“Let’s make sure of that, shall we?” I see him pat the phaser hooked on his belt which hangs next to a small knife.  “At the very least, we can eat them.”

I close the tricorder and fall into step beside him.  His strides are longer than mine, and he’s obviously feeling better than I am, but I’m keeping up come hell or high water.  “You know, when I woke up this morning I thought, ‘Gee, it might be nice to have a lizard for dinner.’”

I hear Chakotay’s laugh and with it, I feel just a little better as he smacks me on the shoulder.  “That’s the spirit.”

Chakotay

The closer we get to the caves, the more signs of life we are beginning to see.  Small tracks in the sand, which is now closer to the consistency of dirt, all have a line through the center suggestive of an animal dragging its tail.  So far I haven’t seen anything to indicate a life form larger than the size of a gecko or perhaps a small iguana.  I can’t imagine that in this desert environment anything would grow large enough to be a threat.

We started to come across small rock formations about fifteen minutes ago.  In the distance I can see our destination.  Large outcroppings will make for good cover from the sun, and if my readings are correct there may even be a cave or two.  And not a moment too soon either; B’Elanna and I are starting to struggle with the heat.  Another welcome sign is the growth of some scrub grass and small, briar-covered bushes.  Plant life means water, and water means we will likely be okay. 

“Look,” B’Elanna hisses and she smacks me on the arm.  She’s pointing at a large rock up ahead.  “I just saw something move.”

I open the tricorder once again and confirm her visual.  “It’s a small lizard,” I say.  Then, sweeping the instrument around I take note of at least a dozen more.

“There’s water up ahead too,” I notice on the display.  “But it’s likely salt water out here.”

“We can make fresh from it,” B’Elanna reminds as we slog forward.  Sweat is dripping down my brow now, I can feel the skin on the back of my neck beginning to burn. 

“It must be high noon,” I hear her say, and I agree with a nod of the head.  This heat is making me feel a bit dizzy. 

B’Elanna takes up the charge and walks a few paces in front of me now, she’s navigating the rocks which are placed closer together.  About another hundred meters and we’ll start to have some cover.  Another two-hundred and it looks like we will have a few caves to choose from as I’d hoped.

Three paces ahead, I see her look up at the sky.  She’s not watching where she’s going and she trips. As she does so, my body jolts.  Not as if to catch her, but as if I’m the one who is about to fall.

“Shit,” she exclaims. 

I shake off the odd sensation and regain my footing as she does the same.

“There are lots of lizards around here B’Elanna,” I say, as I see another few dart behind the rocks at our incursion into their territory.  “I hope you’re hungry.”

I hear her snort.  ‘Bite me.’

“What?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

We’re in the thick of the outcropping now.  She asked me for the phaser a while ago and she’s walking ahead of me with it pointed forward.  “I’m not reading anything threatening,” I say. 

“Better safe than sorry,” she reminds, and she’s right.  Damned places like these always have something ready to jump out at you.  And at that instant, a larger animal does dart out in front of me.  With adrenaline already heightened, I’m startled a bit and weave to the side.

“What the hell!” B’Elanna barks.  “Did you just push me?”

We both stop.  “No, but I saw you stumble.  Did you trip again?”

She shakes her head. 

A sudden wave of dizziness comes over me.  “I’m feeling kind of…”

“Woozy?” she finishes. 

“Yes.”

“Maybe it would be a good time to break open one of those waters.”

I have to agree.  We rest against the shady side of a large boulder which is a welcome reprieve from both the sun and the wind.  I hand her a foil pouch. 

She shakes her head, “You go ahead first,” she says. 

“B’Elanna, drink.  Don’t make me order you.”

With that, the debate is over.  She’s carefully gulping down her half of the pouch and says, ‘God, my throat was dry.  Oooh, that’s sooooo good.’

And then I realize.  She can’t talk and drink at the same time.

I eye her curiously.  “Did you just say that your throat was dry and the water is good?”

Her eyes grow wide.  “No, but I thought it.”

“B’Elanna something strange is going on here.”

She nods her head.  “I’ve been thinking that too.”

“Are you….”

“In my head,” she finishes.  “That’s what you were going to say.”

I nod.  “Yes, but you could have predicted that.”

“What am I thinking now?” she asks me.  And it doesn’t take me long to hear, no, to perceive her words in my own mind.  As I do, I realize also, and oddly so, that she’s not as hot as I am.

“You’re counting up from one, slowly,” I respond.

She nods. 

“How about me?” I ask.  Then I think hard about only one thing.

“Alphabet.  You’re singing the alphabet song.”

“You can hear the tune?”

“Yes,” she confirms.  “Does it work with more than just words?”

I shrug.  And then…. “OH!  Stop!” I shout.  “For the love of God.  Dammit B’Elanna.”  And now I’m desperately trying to wipe a naked image of Tom Paris out of my head.

“I guess it does.”

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on here, or what’s causing this, but we need to get to some shelter before we lose each other’s minds.  Agreed?”

‘Agreed,’ she thinks.  I think. 

‘Fuck it, I’m walking.’

“Watch your language,” she chides with a sly smile.

Voyager cannot possibly find us fast enough.

B’Elanna

We’ve decided to settle in the second-largest cave we could find, which is about the size of my living room.  It’s well protected by boulders outside and isn’t too far of a hike to the salt-pond we’ve located to the east. 

As for the cave, it’s not much to look at, but it will do.  The ground is flat, but surprisingly soft and the walls aren’t so jagged that we can’t sit up against them.  And the air in here is much cooler than outside. 

Chakotay is rooting through the backpack, taking inventory of our supplies and trying to ignore his shoulder, which I know is aching from having carried me.  I know this because I can not only see that he’s massaging it, but I can feel the echo of an ache in my own shoulder, and, even more oddly, I can hear him thinking about it.

He hands me the homing beacon from the pack and I position it in a safe spot outside.  Then, with the tricorder, I set about to try and determine just why we are telepathically linked and if there’s anything I can do to break it.

“It’s the lizards,” I realize.  I’d bet money on it.”  I slap the tricorder shut and think for a minute.  Chakotay is following my line of thinking, I can feel it.  He’s been listening in on my deductions, but I need to hash this out-loud.  Old habits die hard.

“They’re creating some kind of a neurogenic field.  The tricorder registers it, but can’t pinpoint a single source.  It’s emanating from all around us and I’d bet money they’re the reason.  They must use it to communicate,” I shake my head.  “But then, why can’t we hear what they’re thinking?”

“Even if we could, we probably wouldn’t know how to understand them.”

“Good point.”  I lean my head back against the cool wall.  “So now what?”

“Now, we wait out the mid-day sun.  Then, we check out the salt-pool and hunt some dinner.”

“You make it sound like a vacation.”  He shrugs and zips our rations back into the bag.  Then he thinks something and I feel my eyes widen.  “Wait, wait.   You’re actually happy about this, aren’t you?”

“Happy about what?”

“About being stuck here.”

“No!  Of course not.  I’d much rather be back in my quarters.  Or at least in the shuttle finishing our survey,” he looks down to his boots.  A sure sign that he’s uncomfortable, which I can already feel.

I have this sudden, overwhelming feeling of loneliness.  Or is it… rejection?  And then I realize….

“Oh….Chakotay…” He regards me out of the corner of his eye.  “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“What way?”

“Come on.  I’m in your head now, remember?”

He’s looking at his boots again.  “It’s been a while since we’ve spent time together B’Elanna.  Of course I’ve missed you.”

I feel terrible.  “I guess I didn’t realize,” I say softly.

“It’s okay, don’t sweat it,” he shrugs.  “Most of your time, like mine, is spent making sure that Voyager runs smoothly.  The rest of it is spent with Tom.  It’s not a big deal, you’re in a serious relationship.  You should be spending a lot of time with him.  But yes,” he says, looking at me again.  “I’ve missed you.  And maybe I’m just a little, tiny bit glad we’re going to have this chance to be together.”

I’m about to say something about how deeply I value his friendship and never intended to ignore him, but then, from the corner of my eye, I see something move.  Chakotay saw it too.  I motion to him and think ‘give me the knife,’ and he delicately retrieves it from his belt and puts it in my outstretched hand.

I wait just a moment, still my breath, and then I pounce.  Coming up from behind the crevice in the wall, I have what appears to be a gecko on the end of the blade.  I hold it up for him to see.  I can’t help but image how gamey and awful it will taste after he plucks it from the fire later. 

‘To spend time with you, I’ll eat lizards, Chakotay.  If that’s not friendship, I don’t know what is.’

And he laughs.

Chakotay

‘I can’t sleep.’

“Neither can I.”

I roll myself onto my side to look at her through the firelight that dances across the cave walls.  “Why not?”

“Why not?  Because I’m thinking about a rock, Chakotay.  That’s why not.”

I can’t help but chuckle.  “I know you’re thinking about a rock.  That big one, over there.  You’ve been thinking about it for an hour now.”

“Not like you’re ruminating on anything more interesting.  I didn’t think meditation was supposed to be so much work.”

I sigh.  It’s true.  I’ve been meditating for decades and I’ve never found it this difficult before.  “Probably because I’m trying to clear the thoughts of that rock you keep putting in my head,” I say, half-teasing.

“Do you usually meditate to fall asleep?”

“No,” I admit.  “I meditate to clear my mind, then I think about other things.  Do you usually pontificate about rocks?”

“I’m not usually doing much thinking before bed these days,” she says with a devious smile.  I brace myself for mental pictures of her and Tom doing the nasty, but she just laughs.  The firelight dances across her smiling face, making her eyes sparkle.  “Did you just think that I looked beautiful?” she asks softly.

“Yes, I did.”

She’s blushing now.  I can’t see it but I know it to be true. 

“Don’t tell Tom,” I say with a wink as she rolls her eyes at me.

“What do you usually think about before bed?” she asks.

“Different things.  I reflect on what’s happened through the day.  I try not to think too much about the work for tomorrow though.  How about you?  You know, if you’re not otherwise occupied.”

“I’m not sure.  I guess I’ve never really paid attention before.”

“What would you think about if I wasn’t in your head?”

She reclines up further onto her elbows. “Probably…. How much longer until Voyager will be here to rescue us.  If they’ll be worried when they realize we haven’t made the rendezvous tomorrow evening.  What Tom is doing right now...”

“You should think about those things,” I say.  “Don’t let me stop you.”

“It’s strange though, knowing you’ll be kind of just eavesdropping on it all.  It didn’t bother me during the day as much, but now…”

“Thoughts before sleep are always more intimate,” I finish.

‘Yes’ she thinks with a nod and a sigh.

“I’ll tell you what, why don’t we just agree to ignore whatever comes through the other person’s mind until morning.  No matter what.  We won’t speak of it, we won’t judge.  We’ll just let it wash in and back out like a wave.”

“I like that idea,” she says.  And I know she’s telling the truth.

“Okay then.”

“Okay.”

“Good night, B’Elanna,” I say.

“Good night, Chakotay.”

We both recline back to our dirt beds, uniform jackets under our heads.  For a while she thinks about the ceiling of the cave, and I consider the sound of shuffling reptiles outside.

Then she recalls the ceiling of her bedroom, and I, the way the stars look outside the window of my quarters.

I can tell she’s still holding back, so I decide I’ll make the first move. 

I think about Kathryn.  I wonder how she is doing, and I hope that I make it back in time to have our weekly dinner.  I think about the others on Voyager too.  I think about how Mike Ayala probably cleaned house at poker with Harry, Neelix, Tom and whoever else he roped into the game in my absence.  I think about my sister and the letter that I received from her last week.  I issue familiar prayers to the spirits to keep my father and mother close to my heart. 

I’m relaxed now, it becomes more difficult to separate the things I have been focusing on and the feelings that are being projected by my friend. 

Slowly, hesitantly at first, B’Elanna’s thoughts drift from the safety of her simple, imagined bedroom and begin to focus on another person.  She feels arms wrap around her, something simple and calming is whispered into her ear.

I hear her sigh.  ‘I miss you too, Tom,’ she thinks.

She drifts off to sleep.  And then, so do I.

Chapter Text

B’Elanna

Something is crawling over my legs and suddenly I’m awake. 

I shriek.  My whole body jerks and I realize quickly that one of the little reptiles had mistaken me for a bed and was trying to bury itself under my knees.  It goes flying across the room with my kick and scurries away.

I look for Chakotay, but he’s nowhere to be found.  The place where I had left him last night is empty, save for his uniform jacket, still folded neatly.  The fire has long since died out.  Then I remember, I should be able to hear his thoughts.

I wait.

Nothing.

“Chakotay?” I shout, though quite obviously he is not in the cave with me. 

I rustle myself up and head for the exit.  I can’t see him anywhere, though most of my view is obstructed by boulders.  “CHAKOTAY!”  I shout again.  Then, feeling a bit like a fool, I tap my combadge.

“Torres to Chakotay,” I say, trying to temper the rising feeling of dread.

There is silence for a moment.  My hand is poised to try again when I hear, ‘Hey, I wondered if you were going to sleep all day.’

I exhale my fears.

“Where the hell are you?”

‘I’m at the salt pool,’ comes his reply.  ‘Join me before the sun gets too high to be out here.  And bring the ration bags.’

“I’m on my way,” I say.

I drink the last bits of water we collected, and have a few bites of horribly dry, leftover dinner.  Then I head back out with the containers.  About the time that I can see him, bathing in the pool, I begin to hear him in my head again.

He’s thinking of a song…. I don’t recognize it, but he doesn’t sound half-bad.  It’s a shame he doesn’t carry a tune that well when he sings out loud.

I’m still too far away to talk to him so I think, ‘Good morning,’ and he replies with the same.  I can feel that he is genuinely happy I am here.  It makes me feel…. Well.  I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of knowing how he makes me feel.  

“How’s the water?” I ask, coming up to the shore.  I already know full well that it is warm and quite good on his aching back. 

I sit down next to where his clothes have been neatly folded, happy to see that at least he kept his underwear on.

“It’s nice in here.  I think the salt is helping my joints,” he replies.

“Not cut out for sleeping on the ground anymore, eh old man?” I joke.

He shakes his head.  “You coming in?”

“Naw,” I say.  “I’ll just wait here.”

“I guess that mind-reading thing doesn’t work at long distances,” he says.

“No, it’s such a strange phenomenon.  The xenobiologists will have a field day with it when Voyager gets here.”

He dives his head under the water briefly and I can feel a tingling wave sweep over my face and through my hair.  ‘It’s such an odd sensation,’ I think.

‘Very,’ he agrees.  And then he surfaces.  “What should we do today?”

“You’re the commanding officer, I follow where you go.”

“We need to hunt more food and make some more fresh water.  And we need more kindling.” 

He’s walking out of the water now and I can’t help but notice how the droplets reflect off of his muscled chest.  He’s kept himself in good shape, I’ll give him that much.

I look up and see his eyes growing wide in surprise, a smirk crosses his face.  ‘B’Elanna!’ he thinks rather loudly.  Then I realize why.  My mind was wandering and his went right along with it. 

I clear my throat.  “What?”

“You were just….” He eyes me up and down. 

“No!  No, no.  I was just thinking that you seem like you’re still in good shape, you know.  For an older guy.”

“Uh huh…” he says and I’m blushing now for sure.  Then I realize he’s going to let me off the hook.  “I’m not that much older than you, you know.”

I shrug.  “Old enough.  Besides, you’re like…. my brother.”

He nods, and then, he thinks something that surprises me.  Because I’ve never, ever known him to be vain.  ‘She thinks I’m attractive.’

I groan.  “Yes, okay, I think you’re attractive, I’ve….always thought that.”

“I had no idea.”

“It’s not as if I’m attracted to you, not in that way.  I mean, not in a relationship kind of way.” ‘Oh boy this is coming out badly.’

“Look,” he says.  “This is difficult enough without trying to introduce subterfuge.  If you want to change the subject I understand.  But we’re here for at least two more days, if you really think I’m sexy you’re not going to be able to hide it.”

“Oh lord.” ‘What have I started?’  “Fine,” I say, through semi-gritted teeth.  “Am I attracted do you?  No.  Do I think you’re a good looking man?  Yes.  Was there ever a time when I thought maybe you and I could have a relationship?  For like, one fleeting iota of a second, maybe.  Was there a time when I would have considered sleeping with you?  No.  I mean, yes, but not because….  I mean….”  Before I can stop it, images from a dream come flooding back to me.  And then I growl, very loudly, and kick a rock clear across the pool.

He laughs and puts his arm around me.  “What was that flash I just saw?” he asks with a grin.  ‘Have you daydreamed about us together?  Cause I’m pretty sure I just saw myself on top of you,’ he thinks, and he’s not a bit ashamed for it either.  Though, I find it ironic that I’ve just spilled all of this out loud but he won’t use his voice to ask.

I huff and begin to walk back to the cave.  “Don’t flatter yourself,” I chide.  “Do you remember when we encountered the Bothan and they made us all hallucinate?  Well, that was my hallucination.”

He’s nodding.  “Oh right, I remember you said you dreamed about one of us.  Harry, Tom and I fought about who it was for a week.”

“I’m flattered?” I say, not quite sure what to do with that information and wanting desperately to take the heat off of me.  “So, what did you hallucinate about?  I don’t remember if you said.”

I see him bite his lip and suddenly he’s thinking about what an odd color the sky is.

“You’re trying to think about something else!”

He sighs and stops walking.  “I guess I’m not going to be able to hide it from you anyway,” he sighs.  And of course, I’m expecting that he’s going to say he had an all-out X-rated encounter with the captain.  But instead, he simply thinks, ‘Seska.’

“Oh.”

He turns and we resume our walk.  “Well, I guess both of our hallucinations were a bit off the mark.”

“I guess they were.”

And this is the point where I should stop thinking about the subject entirely, but instead, I forget that he can hear my thoughts and like an ass I keep thinking about it.  ‘He did have sex with her, so I guess for him maybe it wasn’t that far of a stretch.’

“I didn’t dream about sleeping with her,” he says quietly, not breaking stride.

And then he simply recalls images. 

I see him, no, I feel him first.  He’s happy.  So very happy.  He’s looking down at a bundle in his arms which is beginning to coo.  It’s a child, and it is his.  He’s pulling back the swaddle.

“Oh,” I gasp, and pause my steps.  I notice him stumble as well.   

As quickly as I saw it, the image of the baby with a Cardassian face is gone.

My mood has been quickly sobered.  ‘I’m sorry.’

He moves to resume our trek.  “Let’s just get back, find some kindling and freshen this water, ok?”  His tone is calm, his mind is steadying back out.  He’s not angry, he’s not uncomfortable. 

He is sad.

And I let it ride.

Chakotay

It has taken us the better part of the day to set up the means to distill enough drinking water to last through until tomorrow.  If it weren’t for the phaser we would be in trouble, the only kindling I can gather burns very quickly and is in scarce supply.  But, we’ve been doing our best with the tiny pot that was included in our survival pack, and the empty ration bags are holding up, though I wish we had about ten more of them. 

The smallest reptiles are surprisingly the easiest to catch just by virtue of there being so damn many of them, but they don’t have a lot of meat on their bones.  It’s a good thing we’re not planning on being here very long.  To pass the time I’ve started whittling a few bush branches into small spears, I can hunt with them and save the phaser for making water. 

“So you think Voyager will find us soon?” B’Elanna asks me, obviously having just followed my line of thought.  She’s picking at the last of her lunch and I can tell she’s having trouble choking it down.  We’re both going to lose a lot of weight out here if we’re not rescued soon.

“We are due at the rendezvous coordinates in about twenty hours, after that, it shouldn’t take them long to retrace our flight plan and find us.”

I see her nod, throw the carcass outside and go back to tending the water purifier.  ‘That’s good,’ she thinks.  I return to making my weapons.

‘Why?  Don’t you like being stuck here with me?’

I hear her snort.  “It’s not you, Chakotay.  It’s just not…. Well.  It’s just not the kind of place I imagined spending the rest of my life.  If I end up stranded on a planet somewhere I’d want it to be more like that one you and the Captain were stuck on.”

‘New Earth.’

“I didn’t know that’s what you called it,” she says with a smile.  “Has a nice ring to it.”

She disengages the phaser and then carefully pours the rest of the collected pot of water into the final ration bag and seals it shut. 

“What was it like, living on New Earth?” she asks.  “For having spent three months there, you didn’t say much about it.”

I set my rudimentary tools to the side and recline back against the rocks.  “It was beautiful,” I say.  “Thick, lush forest.  Green grass and wildflowers, a river.  We had everything we needed, the house, a replicator.” ‘A bathtub,’ I think with a smile.

Her eyes grow wide.  “You had a bathtub?” she pauses.  “No, you built a bathtub!”

I nod.  And then, I can’t help but recall Kathryn in it.  Water droplets shimmering off of her shoulders wrapped in nothing but a towel and moonlight.

“Chakotay!”

My attention snaps back.  “What?”

“Did you….” She doesn’t finish her words, but she finishes the thought which comes through loud and clear and I won’t dare repeat it back to her. 

“No!” I impress.

“You didn’t….?”

‘No.’

“But you wanted to.”

“I….” And now I’m starting to sweat.  Why do I feel the need to defend what we didn’t do on that planet for three months?  “It was complicated.  It wouldn’t have been appropriate.  And, she was still engaged to another man.”

“Oh, come on.  Chakotay, you were going to be stuck there for the rest of your lives.  Don’t tell me you weren’t going to….” she makes an awkward motion with her hands that I try not to read into too much.  “Eventually….”

I close my eyes and sigh.  “We weren’t there long enough for me to think about it all that much.”

‘You’re lying.’

‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

There is a heavy silence while she decides what to say next. 

“It’s just, surprising, that’s all.  I think that most people assumed, when you returned, that something had happened between you.  And then you show me that little image, what am I supposed to think?”

“Aside from what you just intercepted, why would people think that something happened?” I ask, a little more harshly than I intended.

“Well, you left calling her ‘Captain’ and came back calling her ‘Kathryn’, for one.  And there was just this tension between you for quite a while.  Felt like we could cut it with a knife.”

“Readjusting was hard,” I say.  “Especially for the Captain.  For Kathryn.”

‘It was hard for you too,’ she realizes.

“Something did happen between us B’Elanna,” I finally confess.  “We became friends.  Good friends.  We learned what made each other tick.  We grew to trust each other in a way that wouldn’t have been possible on Voyager.  We were equals there, and we needed each other.  We only had each other.”

“I see,” she says, and she eyes me in a way that, despite being able to read her thoughts, still leaves me wondering whether or not she’s going to drop it.

“Sometimes I wish, I could read Tom’s mind like I’m reading yours right now,” she says.  And I issue a sigh of relief.

“Why’s that?”

“It’s hard to know what’s going on in that head of his.  He’s so different than anyone I’ve ever been with before.” She stands and begins to pace softly about. 

And then I feel what she means.  A deeply set, long buried pang of insecurity and rejection hits me with assailing force.  He’s the only person that hasn’t left her. 

Instinct causes me to rise from my seat and traverse the distance between us so that I’m standing in front of her now.

“You can’t understand why he’s staying with you?” I ask, almost shocked.  Despite knowing all about how she was abandoned by her father, and then came to disown her mother, I never considered that she had this deep-seated fear…. no, expectation of abandonment.

She shakes her head.  “No,” she says, then shamefully she adds, “And I’ve tried everything to get him to leave.”

“Oh, B’Elanna,” I say.  In her eyes I see tears beginning to glisten, though I won’t think about it.  She may only be half-Klingon genetically, but her pride is still one-hundred percent warrior. 

I put my hand on her shoulder. “I’ll admit, I wasn’t the first to sign up for the Tom Paris fan club.  But I think he’s good for you.  He’s not going to leave you, and you need to stop pushing him away.”

“Yeah?” she asks, looking up at me in that shy, hesitant way I’ve grown to love.  Her thoughts are suddenly only about Tom. 

‘You deserve to be happy with him.’

‘I love him,’ she thinks.  And with it comes a swell of emotion that almost knocks me off of my feet.  My chest starts to ache in a horribly familiar way.

‘I know.’

She takes a deep breath, swipes a dusty arm across her eyes and straightens herself.

“Well,” she says.  “Enough of that mushy stuff.  Do you think there’s an iguana out there big enough for me to fight?”

The tension dissolves and I laugh.  “Why?”

“Cause the other part of being in a relationship with Tom is needing to strangle something every once in a while.  Plus, I’m hungry and I could use the exercise.”

I shake my head.  “Wandering in the desert, looking for a fight, huh?”

She scoops up the pouches she has just filled.  ‘I’ll bring the water.’

B’Elanna

This cave sucks.  This planet sucks.  I don’t want to eat any more lizards and I’m hot.  But, at least we’re relatively safe, and we do have water, so I should really stop complaining.

‘Yes, you should.’

Sigh.  I’m growing so restless in here, I really feel like I need to move around but there’s just not enough space.

Whittle, scrape.  Whittle, scrape.  ‘oop, took too much there, have to spin it and work the other side now.’

“Oh. My. God.”

“What?” he asks, looking up at me from his work. 

“You’ve done nothing but think about sharpening sticks for the last hour.”

“I am sharpening sticks, B’Elanna.”

“But….but you didn’t even let your mind wander.  Like, not even a little bit.”

He shrugs. 

“Your thoughts are mind-numbing.”

I get a blank stare.  His mind is a blank fucking slate and I find it unsettling because mine is racing.

“I have to get out of here for a while,” I say, releasing my clenched fists.  “I’m going for a walk.”

“Have fun.  But be sure to be back before dark.  I don’t want to have to come looking for you.”

‘Yeah, yeah,’ I wave him off and start heading for the exit.

‘Now, where was I?  Oh…right.  Gotta take a little more off of this side….’

Groan.

The sun is quickly setting by the time I return from my walk.  My head is marginally clearer now, having spent some time alone, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I missed him just a little.  Growing closer to our abode, I can sense him again.  Thank God he’s done whittling.  Actually, I think he’s cooking.  And, he’s thinking about me.  He’s hoping I’ll be back soon and that I’m not too hungry because he wasn’t able to catch much.  He’s thinking that the lizards must be learning, and possibly sharing telepathically, that we’re predators. 

Fortunately, I was able to kill something.  And it’s considerably bigger, about the size of a cat, and looks to have much more meat on it than those little mouse-like things.  I try not to think about it; I want my spoils to be a surprise.

“Welcome back,” he says as I enter. 

I hold up my prize by its spiny tail.  “You were thinking something about not having enough food?”

A broad smile graces his features.  “Hey!” he says, rising from where he had been tending the fire.  “Where’d you catch that?”

I motion with my head, “I went in the only direction we haven’t explored yet.  Found a den of these big guys.  I hope they taste okay.”

He chuckles.  “Probably not any better than the little ones, but at least we won’t go to bed with our stomachs growling again.”

“This should be the last night we have to spend here,” I say, and then I see him bite his lip.

“We don’t know when they’ll be around for us B’Elanna,” and I sense that he’s concerned I’ll get my hopes up for a quick rescue.

I shrug.  “No matter.  We’re not doing that badly,” I concede.  He’s beginning to skin our dinner with the   pocket knife.  Out of the corner of my eye I see that he’s done something to the floor near the fire.  “What’s that?”

“It’s a game,” he says.  “I know you were getting bored, and I thought you might like a diversion.”

“I don’t know, Chakotay.  I’ve never been much for games.”

“It’s called Joer’sapi, it means ‘Gate-break’.  It’s a Bajoran game of strategy.  I’ve seen you in Engineering, I know you like a challenge.  Besides, your tactical skills could use a bit of polishing.  You might learn something.”

Now I know I won’t be able to refuse.  But I won’t go as far as admitting that it actually sounds like fun.  “Fine.  Consider it part of the job and put it on my training record when we get back,” I concede, but I can’t hide my smile.

“Only if you beat me,” he taunts. 

While our dinner cooks over a low flame, he counts out small pebbles and sticks, dealing them evenly to each of us while he lays out the rules.  And then I prepare to kick his ass.

Kicking his ass has been considerably harder than I expected.  Given that we can read each other’s minds, I was ready for an extra layer of difficulty.  I didn’t realize that he’d be thinking about making moves and then do something completely different. 

“You keep cheating!” I shout, when his rock troops break through my stick prison and release the imaginary prisoners.

He grins.  “You can read my mind too, and I’m honestly not trying to listen in on what you’re thinking.”

I roll my eyes because he’s telling the truth.  “I know, you keep humming that horrible tune in your head instead.”

I sit back against the wall and drink the last sips from my pouch.  “Who taught you this ridiculous game anyway?”

“Nari Chayas,” he replies. And then happily, he brings an image of our old friend into his mind. 

“I never saw her play this before.”

“Actually, the last time we played was the night we rescued you,” he explains.  “She had just kicked my ass when we received your distress call.”

“Well, at least she beat you.”

“She was very good at this game, was raised on it.”  He scratches his leg a bit through his now-dirty trousers – he’s been itchy all night – then he gathers the sticks and stones and puts them neatly in a pile, as if expecting we will have a rematch tomorrow.  Suddenly, his thoughts grow dark.

‘God, that seems like a lifetime ago,’ he thinks.  ‘Poor Chayas….’ He shakes his head and sighs.

“Seven years now, right?”

“Something like that.”

“You know, it’s strange.  In some ways, getting lost in the Delta Quadrant is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” I muse, laying down by the side of the fire.  “I got to leave all of my shitty past behind, I didn’t die in a massacre, I found a great guy, I have a rewarding job…”

“But?”

I shrug.  “That’s just it.  There is no ‘but.’  I feel like there should be, but there isn’t.”

“That’s because you’re happy B’Elanna.  It’s okay to be happy, you know.”

“Are you happy?”

He sighs and lays down.  “I’m doing alright.”

“You have a ‘but,’” I realize.

“I have the same feelings as you.  I left behind a grim, hate-filled life where I was destined to die too soon.  I have a good, solid purpose now.”

‘You’re missing the ‘love’ part,” I think.  And then immediately I wish I hadn’t.

‘I have what I need.’

“I have to ask you something, Chakotay,” I begin, rising up on my elbows to look at him.  “Because this whole time here we’ve been nothing but honest and forthright with each other and when Voyager picks us up tomorrow –“

“You don’t think I’ll be honest with you if you can’t read my mind?”

“I didn’t say that.” 

“Okay then,” he concedes.  “What do you want to ask me?”

I take a deep breath.  “What happened in the holodeck?”  And though my words aren’t specific, I think about seeing him and the Captain entering through the sliding doors and he hears the word ‘Venice.’

‘I’ll kill him,’ he thinks immediately, and the ferocity of his thoughts make my eyes widen.

“No, you won’t,” I reply, trying to send calming vibes.  “Tom didn’t tell me willingly.  I had to press him, even then he wouldn’t tell me until I threatened to check the logs myself.”

“He still should have kept his mouth shut.  And you shouldn’t have pried.”  He’s upset, I can hear the heat in his voice and sense the feeling of betrayal behind his thoughts.  For a moment I regret having brought it up, but then, I press on.

“You can’t expect that I would have given up a romantic Italian evening without asking who it went to.”

“I can expect that you’d respect my privacy,” he says.  And I wonder, ‘Is this it?  Is this as far as our friendship goes?  Is revealing this information the line he won’t cross?’

“Look,” he says, steadying his breath.  “This isn’t about crossing a line, B’Elanna.”

“You’re not hiding this because of you,” I say.  “You’re keeping her secret.  You’re respecting her privacy.”

‘Yes, and I expect you to respect it too.’

I think about his words for a moment and then I feel a deep, un-resolving ache start to grow in my chest.   Of course I respect their privacy, just as he has respected mine when it comes to Tom.  But this is different.  I see my friend now for who he is.  A man, very deeply in love, with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. 

‘It was a misunderstanding.’

“You really love her, don’t you?”

There’s no denying it now, he knows.

“I do.”

‘And she rejected you?’

‘That’s not it.’  “It wouldn’t be right,” he says.  “It’s too much of a conflict of interest out here,” and his words sound like they’ve been practiced just a few too many times. 

“I didn’t ask if she thought it was right.”

And now, I can tell.  He’s flitting over answers in his head – trying to decide whether to be fully honest or order me to drop it.  But then he gives in and his memories, deep and vivid and clear, assail me.  All I can see is the captain in an incredible dress.  Holographic moon shining over the cobblestone streets.  Suddenly, he’s dancing.  His hands are laying gently around her waist and shoulder.  Sweet perfume is in the air.  She feels lithe and strong and she yields as he winds her hair around his fingers.  Her lips taste like wine….

“You kissed her!”  I gasp.  “And…. and she kissed you back!”

He closes his eyes and nods. 

“So?!”  I demand.  “Are you two….” ‘Together?’

“No.”  It’s as if someone has taken an eraser to the chalkboard of his mind.  The vision, the elated feeling that was so overwhelming is just – gone.  “I told you, it was a misunderstanding.”

“Chakotay, that kiss was hard to misunderstand.”

“If I ask you to drop it, will you?”

I look into his eyes, firelight dances off of them flickering illumination onto sadness.  Our silence though is surprisingly comfortable, given what has just transpired.  I look back to the spot where we had been playing Joer’sapi earlier.  I think about how he beat me three games to zero and that I’d like to play again when we get back to Voyager, that I still want to kick his ass for that jab at my tactical skills.

‘I always liked Nari Chayas,’ I think.  ‘She was a very loyal friend.’

‘They all were,” he thinks with a sigh.  ‘And so are you.’

And then we both relax onto our uniform pillows, silently agree to the same arrangement as the night before, and drift off to sleep.

Chapter Text

B’Elanna

I feel hot again, and it wakes me.  Not hot like before though, not like I when I woke over his shoulder three days ago.  I’m…. no wait.  I’m cold.  The fire has died out and it’s still the middle of the night.  A shiver runs through me.  I have to get the flame started again.  More kindling, phaser.  Ah….that’s better.  My hands were almost numb.

Chakotay is still asleep, I can see him now, back up against the rocks.  But he’s…. hot.  I know this, I feel he is hot.  He is the reason I woke up.

“Chakotay?”

He looks peaceful, but oh, in the flicker of the firelight I can see that he’s sweating.  “Hey, Chakotay.”

He’s groaning now, at least that’s a start.  God, he’s feeling really warm, and queasy.  Oh, shit.  He’s making me feel sick.  Something’s really wrong.

I’m crawling over to him on hands and knees.  His nausea is hard for me to fight back. 

“Oh God,” I exclaim upon touching his forehead.  “Chakotay!” I’ve got my hands on his shoulders now, I’m shaking him.  “Chakotay, wake up.”

He’s moaning and his eyes are drunkenly fluttering open.

“You’re burning, Chakotay.  Wake up!”   His fever must be extremely high.  I grab for the tricorder.  40.6 degrees.  “Shit,” I exhale.

With another loud groan he starts to come around and tries to sit up, “Oh…..”

“Easy.  You have a high fever, I’m trying to figure out why.”

“My leg,” he hisses.  I pull up his pant leg and see he is correct.  It’s swollen and red with a welt in the middle.

“Something must have bit you,” I tell him. 

“I know.”

And now he’s feeling freezing.  Chills.  He shivers and so do I.

“You know?  Why the hell didn’t you say something?”

“I didn’t want to worry you.  It happened while I was gathering kindling earlier.”

“And I was too far away to notice,” I chastise.  I’m sure he’s hearing the expletives that are being unleashed in my thoughts.  But then I look at him and I can’t be angry anymore.  He’s suffering, that is extremely clear. 

“Try to sit up,” I tell him and he does his best with my help.  “And stop feeling so nauseous would you?  You’re going to make me hurl.”

“Sorry.  Oh, spirits B’Elanna,” he grinds through clenched teeth.  “My leg….”

“It hurts a lot, believe me, I know.”  And it’s true, I feel as if my own leg has a hot poker stuck in it.  I check myself quickly with the tricorder just to be sure, but no.  I’m fine.

I can hear him panting, breath coming in quicker gasps as I turn the instrument back on him.  “Your respiration, heartrate, blood pressure…. It’s all elevated.  You’ve got some kind of serious infection, maybe even a toxin of some kind from that bite, all I can tell without a damn medical tricorder is that it’s spreading fast.”

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not.”  I move back over and attempt to grab him under the arms.  “I need to get you further from this fire, it’s not helping your fever.”

Together, we take a very slow slide across the floor until I can get him up against some of the cooler rocks.  I give him a flat one to lay against his forehead. 

I start to go over things in my mind, trying desperately to stay calm.  ‘If I can’t control the infection, his fever is going to keep going up.  It’s progressed so fast, we were only asleep a few hours, and I have absolutely nothing to work with here.’

The dancing light reflects a glazed-over iciness to his eyes.  His lids are beginning to droop again.  The rock he was holding thuds to the floor.

“Hey big guy,” I say, shaking him gently by the shoulders.  “You have to stay with me.”

“I’m here.”  His voice is a whisper and his mind is definitely not here. 

“I’m losing you Chakotay.”

“My ears….they’re buzzing.”  He’s pale white and I’m starting to panic.

Another wave of nausea hits us both and he starts to retch.  “Oh God,” I say.  The feeling of him being sick buckles me and I fold over as he loses what little was in his stomach.  It takes every ounce of concentration for me not to do the same.

“That water is precious,” I tell him when the queasiness subsides. “Stop wasting it on the floor.”

“Sorry,” he replies, unable to right himself.  I help him back upright.  

“I’m going to get you some more.  You have to stay hydrated.”  I don’t wait for him to argue but in his mind he’s already refusing.

‘No,’ I think, forcefully.  ‘You’re going to shut up and drink this.’

“I’m fine,” he says, but then I perceive the undercurrent.  ‘I’m not going to make it much longer.’

“Stop lying to me,” I spit.  I can feel my voice start to falter.  The water I’m attempting to pour through his lips is just running down his chin and neck.  “Chakotay….”

But now I know he can’t hear me.  My words didn’t reverberate in my own head as they have been, my ears are ringing.  “Chakotay?”  

Nothing.

‘Chakotay,’ I think.  ‘You have to stay with me.  Voyager will be here very, very soon.  I WON’T bring you back in a body bag.  Do you understand?  Do you feel my words?’

For a moment there is nothing as I observe his labored breath and squeezed shut eyes.  His hand is limp and burning as I try to ply it around my own.

Yes.

I feel his attention on me briefly.  I know I have to make the most of it.

‘You have to hang on old man.  Don’t make me face Janeway without you.  I know you want to see her again, if nothing else, do this for her.  Please.  Please don’t make me be the one to tell her that you’re dead.  Do you HEAR me, Chakotay?’

‘Tell her…..’

And his words ache in my heart.  He doesn’t need to finish the thought.

‘I won’t tell her that either.’

‘Please…..’

“No!”  I insist.  My voice echoes through the empty cave. 

But there is no more argument.  Everything is silent.

I’ve been keeping vigil over Chakotay for about an hour, trying to keep him cool with rags and rocks and obsessively monitoring his fever.  To my fears, his temperature continues to creep upwards and he’s at 41 degrees before long.  My medical knowledge is rudimentary, but I know that he will start to have seizures soon, followed by organ failure and then….  I can’t, I can’t go there.

The cave walls feel like they’re closing in on me.  They suddenly remind me too much of my holodeck program.  Of Tevlik.  I start to think about the others.  The ones who I couldn’t save, who I wasn’t even allowed the honor to die with.  I decide, right then and there, I won’t lose him too. 

I remind myself that he could, somehow, be hearing my thoughts, still feeling my worry.  I have to try to find a way to stay positive.  And so, for the next little while I do nothing except try to recall happier times.  I think about our successes on the battlefield.  I think about the meals and laughs we’ve shared.  I think about the times I’ve kicked his ass at various sporting events.  Then I start to think, individually, about each of our friends on Voyager.

I wring out the rags that have acclimated to his temperature and dip them again in the last of our water.  I lay them carefully over his forehead and neck.  My efforts aren’t going to be enough, I know.

My legs are growing restless and I have to start to move.  Pacing does little to calm me, every few steps I feel the need to look back at him.  Finally, I decide I’ll set the tricorder on a vitals alarm and step outside for a few minutes of air. 

I know, I know in my heart that Voyager is going to be here soon.  I’m tied to Voyager’s engines like I’m tied to Chakotay now.  I can feel them in my bones, their hum is growing closer.  Still, I keep doing the math in my head - when we left, when we were due back, how long it would take them to realize we were missing and track our path.  We didn’t veer from our flight plan….

I check the beacon again.  It’s functioning properly. 

“Why aren’t you here yet?!” I shout to the sky.  Critters scatter in every direction at my voice.

In my pacing I’ve reached the edge of the outcropping of rocks.  From there I can see a glistening, glittering shimmer – it’s moonlight reflected off of the salt-water pool.  The pool isn’t as cool as the night air, but I know it’s cooler than he is.  If I can get him to it… if I can get him in it.

I curse myself for not having thought of this sooner.

I sprint back into the cave just as the tricorder starts to alarm at another incremental rise in his temperature.

“Sorry, friend.  You’re gonna get dragged.”

I stow the tricorder in my belt, hook him under the arms and slowly I pull his dead weight across the rocky desert.

When we finally reach the edge of the pool, my arms are completely numb.  I remove my boots and wade into the water.  It isn’t as cool as I had hoped, about thirty-one or thirty-two degrees I’d bet, but that’s certainly cooler than he is.  Then I remember something about not dousing a feverish person in ice water anyway and hope that this idea would be Doctor approved. 

He’s splayed out, flat on his back as I drag him by the ankles into the water, eventually up to his shoulders.

His eyes flutter once he has been completely submerged. 

“Chakotay?”  For a moment I am hopeful.

But he neither says, nor thinks, anything.

So there we sit, bright moon overhead reflecting off of the ripples with nothing to hear except the sound of scurrying feet, his labored breathing, and my anxious thoughts.

Until finally, mercifully, my combadge chirps. 

Chakotay

“Hey there.”

I hear the words first, and the face comes next.  It’s B’Elanna.  She’s ensconced in a halo of artificial light that hurts my eyes.  Voyager.  Sickbay. 

“We’re back,” I say, and my words are hoarse and dry.  My mouth tastes awful.

“Yes.”

I blink a few times to clear my vision but her hand on my shoulder prevents me from sitting upright. 

“I can’t hear you in my head anymore.”

“Nope," she agrees.  "My thoughts are all my own again.  Turns out we were right.  The reptiles on the planet created a neurogenic field, kind of like a web, and we got caught in it.  The biologists are having a field day down there now.”

“I see,” I say, sitting up slightly.  My head is aching but otherwise I seem to be okay.  My leg doesn’t hurt anymore.

“Kind of sad though, isn’t it?  You won’t know my every thought, will, and dirty deed anymore.”

“Oh, God,” I groan.  “You’re making me queasy again.” And she laughs.

Into my field of vision comes the man in blue.  “Ah, Commander,” the Doctor says.  “I see you’re awake.”

B’Elanna motions her head at the Doctor.  “Top of the line model,” she says sarcastically.

I can’t help but chuckle as Doc rolls his eyes.  “You’ll be clear to leave here shortly,” he says.  “Just want to run one more test and be sure the infection has been completely eliminated from your bloodstream.”

I nod and lie back again as he extracts a vial from my neck then disappears. 

“In all seriousness Chakotay,” she says, and her face mimics her words.  “Don’t scare me like that again, ok?” She’s looking at her hands now, wringing them a bit.

I reach over and take her hand into my own.  “I’ll try,” I say with a squeeze.  I hear the sickbay doors hiss open and I don’t need to look to know who has come.

B’Elanna leans in close and whispers, “Your girlfriend is here,” with just a quick glance to the side.

“B’Elanna!” I hiss, feeling suddenly like a schoolboy with something to hide.

She laughs.  It’s pure, and oddly, exactly what I need to hear.  “Don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me.”

“They better be,” I warn.  But of course, I know she’s telling the truth.

“I have to go see about building another shuttle for you to destroy,” she says.  “I’ll come by later to check on you?”

I nod.  “Thanks.  For everything.”

“Don’t mention it,” she says with a wink.  She turns to leave and a few paces away I see her exchange pleasantries with Kathryn who has been waiting patiently for us to finish our conversation.  I see the captain bow her head, and mouth “Thank you,” and then B’Elanna is gone. 

I sit up to greet her, and before long there is another warm hand on my chest - a different smile in my field of vision.  Then I realize, maybe it’s not so odd, having been able to hear someone’s thoughts.  It was only strange that that someone wasn’t Kathryn.

“Computer, lights off,” I order.  And the room goes dark. 

I run my hands through my hair and lay back on my pillow.  It’s strange, I think; I have only had B’Elanna in my head for a few days, and yet somehow I feel quite lonely without her.  Still, I’m grateful for the time we had to spend together.  And that we both made it back alive.  I’m very grateful for that. 

I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing right now…. Oh wait.  She’s no doubt doing Tom. 

Sigh.

The sound of the door chime interrupts my loneliness.

“One minute,” I respond, swinging my legs out of bed.  I throw on a robe and order the lights to resume.  “Come in.”

There is only one person that calls on me at this later hour, and it’s never been B’Elanna.  But here she is.

“Hey,” she says as she shuffles her feet.  “Mind if I come in?”

“Please,” I reply.  Her look says it all.

“Tom was getting on my nerves,” she says.  “And my quarters were…. kinda lonely.”

“Ah,” I say, and I motion for her to join me in the living room.  “Tea?”

“I’d love some,” she says, taking to a seat by the window.  “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No.  I slept enough in sickbay today.”  I return from the replicator with a steaming pot and two cups.  “Tom’s bugging you?”

“Yeah.  He wanted to hear all about why we crashed and our time on the planet and what it was like to be inside your head.”

“You didn’t want to tell him?”

She looks down at her cup.  “I didn’t feel like talking.”

“I can understand that.”  My tea is much too hot still, so I blow on it gently waiting for her to tell me what she needs. 

“So,” I hear her say, as she sits back cradling her drink.  “Got any more good stories?”

I can’t help the smile spreading across my face.  “I thought you didn’t want to talk.”

“I don’t,” she says.  “I want to listen.”

For a moment it’s as if I can read her thoughts again.  “As strange as it was, I rather enjoyed our experience too,” I confess.

“I could have done without the dramatic ending.”

“Well, yes.  Same here.”

She considers me with a slight smile.  “I’m glad your leg is better.”

I instinctively rub my calf.  “Did I ever tell you about the time I broke this bone?”  She shakes her head, but looks at me and I don’t need to read her mind to know that she wants me to continue. 

“I was eight years old….” I begin. 

And somehow I know, she won’t let me finish until morning.