Work Text:
Toby was exhausted. The past 24 hours had been the most stressful of his life. All he wanted was to lay down and rest for a little while, but he couldn’t even do that. There was still so much going on, so many things he was unsure of. He moved around in a sort of trance, feeling absent from his body as he tried to assist Freddie in deciding what was going to happen to everyone.
Toby had been with Adil when the bomb had hit the hotel. It didn’t make the aftermath any less harrowing. He knew that none of them were going to forget this night in a hurry.
But Adil was alive. His family was alive. That was all that mattered to him in that moment. The rest could all be figured out later.
“What do you mean you’re leaving?” Toby asked incredulously as he sat across from Adil in the small, sparse room which was now Toby’s temporary lodgings for the meantime.
The Hamilton’s were currently living in a very nice house near Kings Cross Station. It was one of his Father’s properties that Toby hadn’t even known about before Freddie suggested the family stay there until they figure out what to do about the hotel. It wasn’t surprising, Toby had realised that he hadn’t known a lot of things about his Father. And now Freddie was Lord Hamilton, all the information had been passed onto him.
“I can’t stay here Toby, I just can’t. Not after all that’s happened…” It had been a week since the bombing, since he had found Adil lying almost dead in his dinge flat, since he felt his whole world crumble around him. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get those images out of his head.
“If this is about your job, you know Freddie is trying his hardest to find all the staff new work. It’s just not particularly easy in this current climate. I’ll talk to him, see if I can maybe get you bumped up the list.” Toby suggested. It was about as much as he could offer the other man, although he wished he could give him a lot more. He had spoken to all his friends and connections in the hospitality business but simply none of them were hiring new head barmen. And he would not let Adil take a job that was beneath him after he’d worked so hard to get to where he was today.
“Freddie is an amazing man, but he has so much on his plate already with all the Lord Hamilton and war duties. I don’t want any special favours, just because of what happened between us. I don’t deserve that. And yes, the money is definitely an attractive incentive but it’s not the main reason.”
Adil thought that even if The Halcyon was rebuilt at some point down the line or even reopened somewhere else, he wouldn’t be able to go back to working for the Hamilton’s even though working for them had been the best job he had ever had. No matter how much he may want to. Not after how things played out with Toby.
“Then please, Adil, explain to me. Help me understand.” Toby begged, grabbing onto the other man’s hands and pulling him closer. He just couldn’t fathom why anyone would volunteer to do something like this. Toby was safe from conscription because of his job, and he had always seen it as a blessing.
Adil paused, obviously trying to find the words to describe his decision to Toby.
“Before… all this happened… I thought I had a purpose in life. Sure, it wasn’t the most glamourous but it was enough. Now, I can’t just sit here wasting the days away alone in my flat praying that something will come up. Life’s too short. I need to do something. I can’t stay here and pretend everything is the same when it isn’t. I need to have a change of scene and a chance to clear my head.”
“There’s lots of stuff you can do to help the war effort here, in London! Or the rest of the UK. You don’t have to go all the way to the middle of a bloody war just to escape me.” Toby exclaimed, sounding hurt.
“Toby, don’t you understand? This isn’t about you anymore. This is about me. I need to do what’s right for myself for a change.” Adil was right. Of course he was, he was a man that was very rarely wrong.
“I thought you didn’t want to die anymore.” Toby whispered, breaking eye contact and a tacit agreement they had made to not discuss that night again.
They had talked a little about what had happened but after that initial conversation Adil seemed reluctant to broach the subject and Toby didn’t really blame him. It was a hard thing for both of them to think about and Adil struggled to convey his feelings to Toby. How do you explain to someone that you thought your life was not worth living anymore? Adil had promised Toby that if he ever got that low again he would speak to someone, not necessarily even Toby. It could be anyone. Just as long as he never felt like the only way out would be to end his life. But D’Abberville was gone and Toby had been cleared. Their secret was safe for now, and Adil’s future was looking a whole lot brighter than it previous had.
“I’m not going out there hoping to get blown up, if that’s what you’re suggesting.” Adil bit back.
And he meant it. You don’t just suddenly become better after an experience like that. But Adil was trying, so very hard. He knew it would be a lot easier if he didn’t have to see Toby every day though, he had to admit.
“Have you ever seen those propaganda posters from the last war? ‘Your country needs you’. I guess that’s what I feel like now.” Adil voiced.
“But this isn’t even your country, really.” Toby replied, the words leaving his mouth before he had the chance to think that maybe they were a bit insensitive. Adil’s nationality had always been a touchy subject for him.
“Thanks for the reminder…” Adil answered flatly.
“No, Adil, I didn’t mean it like that.” He exclaimed quickly.
“All I meant was you don’t have to fight.” Toby explained, wondering how he always seemed to mess things up whenever he opened his mouth.
“I know, but I want to. You’ve seen the news, heard the stories from men out there. It’s carnage. They need all the men they can get. And no one needs me here.” Adil’s voice broke as he spoke the last sentence and Toby felt his heart break.
“I do, I need you.” He stressed, wanting and needing Adil to believe his words.
Adil sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.
“That’s not what you were saying when you told me to disappear…” He spoke, his voice barely louder than a whisper. The memories of that conversation were still fresh in Toby’s mind. The words kept playing over and over and Toby wished he could change the way he had acted. But he couldn’t. So he just told Adil how sorry he was, as often as he could, even though he knew it was useless.
“Adil, I’ve told you, nothing I said to you was true. Not a single word. I thought I was doing what I had to, to protect you. I love you, what do I need to say to you to convince you?” He was desperate now, tears of frustration running down his cheeks. Adil looked close to tears as well.
“Toby, I believe you. It just isn’t enough for me anymore.” Once upon a time not too long ago it would have been. He had longed to hear those words come out of Toby’s mouth for so, so long.
“I saved your life. Is that not enough?” Toby begged.
“Frankly, no. Not when you were one of the reasons I wanted to end it.” Adil replied honestly.
Toby choked out a surprised gasp at what Adil said. He didn’t know what to say to that, the truth of Adil’s words hitting him like a ton of bricks. He knew that he didn’t deserve Adil, that he was acting like any reasonable person would after what he’s put him through. He tried to apologise, but all that he could manage was strangled sobs as he grabbed Adil into a bone-crushing hug.
He expected Adil to push him away, to get up and leave. That’s what he deserved. But to his surprise he let the embrace continue. Maybe he missed the intimacy between the two of them just as much as Toby did. And maybe after today he’ll never get to touch Adil ever again.
“So, what are you saying? You’re going to sign up and we’ll just never see each other again?” He asked after they pulled apart.
“Of course not. I’ll be back sometimes, my family is here. And I can come see you then, if you want me to. But we can’t be together anymore. Maybe if things were different, but not now. I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
Toby didn’t blame him. If the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t want to be with himself either. He had always known that Adil was too good for him and that everything would blow up in his face one day. At least Adil was still alive, and seemingly in a much better state of mind. He would do anything Adil wanted, as long as he knew that the other man was happy.
“I’m not going to be able to change your mind?” He asked, eventually admitting defeat. They were still sitting extremely close together, their hands intertwined.
“I’m afraid not.”
“Write to me, will you? I’m going to worry about you terribly.” Toby said, his words filled with honesty and remorse.
“I promise. And Toby, I just want to let you know I don’t regret a thing that happened between us. We were happy, for a while, and it was just unfortunate the way things panned out.”
“I don’t regret it either. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough to you, you deserve so much better.” I only regret pushing you away, he thought sadly to himself.
“I’m always going to love you, Toby Hamilton.”
“I’m always going to love you too, Adil. Even if you are a hundred miles away or I don’t see you for 50 years. You helped me figure out who I am and I will never forget that.”
It was the not knowing that was killing Toby. He had no idea where Adil was or what part of the army he had been recruited to or if he was safe. God, he spent hours and hours hoping and praying that he was safe.
He couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. Not that he had many people to talk to. Life for Toby had become even more lonely than ever before since Adil left. He had been so used to spending his days at work and nights with Adil that he didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. He couldn’t remember who he had been before he was with Adil. And they weren’t at the hotel anymore so he couldn’t even busy himself people-watching in the bar. They had only been together for a month, but to Toby now it felt like a life time.
Most nights Toby would wake shaking and drenched in sweat, jerked violently from another nightmare. Every one was different, but they all contained one constant: Adil. The majority of the time he ended up dead.
It wasn’t an unusual thing for Toby, he had suffered from nightmares ever since he was young. But he had always had Freddie back then to comfort him, who would stay with him and take his mind off of things until he eventually fell back to sleep.
But these nightmares were worse. So much worse. And Freddie wasn’t here to distract him. So normally after he was startled awake at around 4am he would not be able to sleep again for the rest of the night. He would just lie motionless in his bed, his brain playing possible scenarios over and over again, incorporating scenes from stories he’d heard from people who had been on the front line, wishing Adil was beside him. He tried to stop it but he couldn’t. His anxiety had been getting gradually worse since Adil left.
It was like that feeling he had when he first read Adil’s letter, except maybe quadrupled. Every day he would check the news for names of casualties being brought back to Britain, or soldiers who had been confirmed dead. Every day he breathed a sigh of relief when Adil’s name was not on them.
He wouldn’t know what to do if Adil died, or went missing in action. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn’t help thinking that he wouldn’t be able to grieve properly. To the outside world, Adil was just an ex-employee of his, they would never understand what Toby would be going through. He didn’t know how he would cope. Hopefully he would never have to find out.
As time went on, Adil kept his promise and wrote to Toby. It wasn’t much and it wasn’t often – Toby suspected that he had limited time to write letters, the majority of which Adil would probably spend corresponding with his family, as expected. Toby didn’t mind this, he just wished they would contain more than something along the lines of ‘everything is pretty rubbish here but I’m fine’.
Toby would spend lots of his spare time writing detailed replies, telling Adil all about his life and what he’s been up to, everything they would have shared if Adil was still here. If they were still together. Every single one of them ended with how much Toby was missing him, and wishing him all the luck in the world for his upcoming missions. He didn’t send any of them though. He would lock them away in his desk drawer, and then compose a shorter, less comprehensive response which he thought would be more appropriate.
Toby kept every single letter from Adil, even though he knew he probably shouldn’t. He didn’t care that it was dangerous – if anyone found them he’d have a hard time explaining them away. Whenever he was feeling especially anxious he would pull them out and reread them, tracing over the way Adil signed his name with his finger, knowing somewhere out there Adil was alive, sitting there writing them.
Once the war was finally over, Freddie and Emma began planning their long awaited wedding. Freddie had thankfully survived the rest of the war with only a few minor scrapes. And much to Toby’s relief, so had Adil.
Everyone was filled with excitement as the day came closer and closer, everyone except Toby. His Mother never missed an opportunity to berate him on the state of his own love life, much to his chagrin. Now that he had a lot more free time she was constantly trying to set him up with one Lady or another.
Toby had helped Freddie compile the guest list. All of the old Halcyon staff members where on it, obviously including Adil. Toby had debated many times whether he should ‘accidently’ forget to add the former barman’s name. Freddie probably wouldn’t notice when he checked it over, he had too much else on his mind. But although Toby was terrified to see Adil again after all this time, his curiosity and unabating lingering love for the other man kept overpowering him until he eventually scribbled his name at the bottom of the page, immediately passing it over to Emma before he could change his mind.
When the day arrived, Toby felt like he was more nervous than the bride and groom were. He stood near the front of the church wringing his hands together in anticipation as he watched clusters of guests arrive, covertly scanning every single person’s face in case Adil decided to come. He didn’t want to miss him if he did, but he wasn’t getting his hopes up.
“Toby, how’s it going?” He jumped in surprise, Freddie succeeding in breaking his concentration as he appeared beside him.
“All good, Freddie.” He replied, turning around to face his brother. The ceremony was about to begin soon anyway.
“And Emma?”
“Looking beautiful as always.” Freddie grinned happily.
“Lord Hamilton…” Their conversation was interrupted by a quiet, apologetic voice that was all too familiar to Toby, even after all this time. His heart stopped.
“Mr Joshi, hello! It’s so nice to see you again.” Freddie greeted, reaching out his hand to shake Adil’s in a friendly welcoming gesture.
“Mr Hamilton.” He turned to address Toby, smiling up at him timidly, like he didn’t quite know what to expect. God, had Toby missed that smile. He was even more beautiful than he remembered.
“Adil…” Toby was breathless, his eyes opened wide in shock. Freddie excused himself, unaware of the tension between the pair of them.
“You came, I didn’t think you’d come.”
“What, and miss getting to see you in one of those extremely dapper suits that used to cause me to swoon over you every night? I don’t think so.” Toby blushed at Adil’s unexpected flirting and looked away.
“In all honestly, your family has done so much for me. Freddie has always treated me with the upmost respect, and Emma and I used to get on really well. So of course I’m going to be here.”
“Can we talk after the ceremony?” Toby asked hopefully.
“Yes Toby, I think I would like that.”
Toby couldn’t concentrate, although he tried his best as the couple in front of him exchanged vows. He stood next to his twin and tried to pay attention but he couldn’t help glancing every so often over to where Adil was sat. It felt like an eternity before he was able to escape to the hotel room that Freddie had booked for him for after the reception. He wanted somewhere private for him and Adil to talk where there would be no danger of them being interrupted.
“How have you been, Toby?” Adil questioned when it became apparent that Toby would not be starting the conversation. Toby had tried, several times, but every time he opened his mouth to speak it immediately closed, as he found something wrong with what he planned to start with. What was he supposed to say? He didn’t even know if Adil was the same person anymore…
“I’m fine. We had a lot of important work to do in the last few months and I think some of really helped.” He was proud of what he had done during the war, even if some other people didn’t think the same.
“I’m so glad, Toby.” Adil said sincerely. Toby realised he was still one of the only people in this world who genuinely cared about his well-being.
“Where are you staying now?” Toby asked.
“I’m living with my parents… It’s only temporary,” he added the last part when he saw the sour look on Toby’s face, like staying with his Mum would be the worst thing imaginable for him.
“And a job?” Adil just shook his head sadly.
“Well, I’ll help you. With anything you need,” Toby promised.
“Thanks Toby, I would really appreciate that.”
“What was it like?” Toby blurted out, unable to hold in the question that had been burning in his mind since he had heard that Adil was coming home any longer.
“Toby, I’ve been through things you can’t imagine, seen things beyond your worst nightmares. I would like to tell you about some of it another time, if you want. But today I want to talk about us.” Adil replied, obviously he had been expecting the question.
“Us?” Toby repeated dumbly, blushing. He didn’t know there was still an ‘us’ to be talked about.
“Us.” Adil repeated firmly.
There was a moment of awkward silence where Toby tried to comprehend what this might mean.
“Thank you, Adil.”
“For what?” He asked, confused.
“For surviving. For coming back to me. I thought after the war ended I’d never see you again.” Toby proclaimed.
“I tried to stay away from you. But I just couldn’t. Everything I did seemed to be dragging me back to you.” Adil spoke.
“Are you seeing anyone else?” Adil wasn’t naïve enough to believe that there hadn’t been anyone special in Toby’s life after him.
“Not at the moment. There’s been a few men that I’ve been with but they didn’t mean anything. No one like you.” Toby had tried to stay away from other men. But the temptation had just been too much. Now he knew what it felt like to be with someone else, he had wanted to feel that intimacy again. But no one had even come close to what he had felt like when he was with Adil.
“Toby, don’t do that. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”
“No, but I do. There hasn’t been a single day in the past five years that I haven’t thought about you. That I hadn’t wished that things had happened differently between us. You’re back in London now, for good?” He queried.
“Yes, Toby.”
“Then I want to be friends again, if you want to that is. I didn’t much like my life without you in it.”
“Toby, I don’t want to be just friends with you. I don’t think I could manage, not when I know what we had between us. When I know what it feels like to have your lips on mine and to wake up in your arms.”
“What are you saying?” Toby exhaled, daring to believe that perhaps, things might go his way for a change.
“All the other men in my battalion would always talk about their wives and families, all the people they missed from back home. And whenever they did, the first person I would think about was you. Over my Mum, my sister, anyone. Even if I didn’t want to, even after everything you did to me. One day, I was reading a letter you had sent me. I can’t remember which one but you must have said something funny because I was grinning and one of them asked if I was happy about a girl I had back home waiting for me. They were mistaken on both counts – you are definitely not a girl and I knew that you wouldn’t wait for me. Not for so many years. But that’s when I knew. That I loved you with all my being and that I was never going to feel that way about anyone else no matter how hard I tried.”
Toby felt tears well up in his eyes.
“You’re wrong, I did wait for you. Even when I didn’t know I was doing it.” Toby confessed, something that until this moment he hadn’t even admitted to himself.
“5 years is a long time. And I had lots of opportunities to think and to realise what’s really important in this world. I forgive you, for all that happened. I forgive you, Toby.”
“Thank you so much, Adil. You don’t know how great that is to hear from you.” Toby had long ago resigned himself to the fact that what he had done was inexcusable so for Adil to say those words made him happier than he could ever describe.
“I hope I didn’t take too long to say that. I’ve been afraid that I was too late.”
“Never. So you want to be with me again?”
“Yes Toby, have I not been clear enough? Do I need to go back down there and overtake your best man speech and shout it to the world?” He joked.
Toby had missed this. Toby missed everything about Adil, but the easiness of their friendship and the way they could be so relaxed with each other was definitely where he felt the loss the most.
“Are you sure?” Toby needed clarification, still not quite believing how lucky he was in this moment.
“After everything we’ve been through, I don’t want to live in a world without you Toby Hamilton.”
“Can - - Can I kiss you?” Toby asked timidly. It felt sort of strange, asking for permission, but he didn’t want to overstep when everything was going so well.
“Yes Toby, you may,” Adil laughed, smiling that beautiful smile that could light up the entire world.
Toby leaned forward slowly, gently cupping Adil’s face in his hands. Adil’s smile was met by Toby’s own grin before he leaned down and captured Adil’s lips with his own. He was transported back to that morning all those years ago when Toby admitted his feelings and they had their first proper kiss and when he felt like he could take on the world. It was like going home.