Work Text:
Isak has said this many times before when describing his relationship with Even to his friends. Well, mostly just Magnus who is envious of how secure Isak and Even are around each other. Magnus is still working through his insecurities with Vilde.
“It’s good. Right now, it’s really good. But when it’s bad, it’s really bad too. We don’t have it any easier, Mags.”
“I know, I know. I don’t mean to imply you have it easy. I just… I guess I keep wondering when I’d screw up, do or say something shitty, and she'd leave me. You both don’t seem to worry about all that, you know?” Magnus mumbles as he tries to explain.
“I do worry. We both do. We just don’t discuss it the way you and Vilde do.”
Isak then lays a reassuring arm around Magnus and says, “Hey, actually, coming to think of it, I think you and Vilde are pretty damn good together. Talking shit out all the time. It’s good, man.”
Magnus smiles like a satisfied child, pulls Isak closer to his side, and bumps his head against Isak’s. They don’t discuss it further. The thing about Isak and Even is that they are both constantly striving to be the calmest, most composed selves around each other. They both have a thing about control. Even hates it when he feels controlled by someone else. Absolutely despises it. While Isak… well, Isak is almost always afraid of losing control and will do anything to not feel like he is. So, while they love each other with the sort of ferocity that can’t be adequately expressed by either of them, some days they are both afraid of what they are capable of doing to each other, how easily they could ruin each other. Isak more so than Even. Because Even is pretty darn patient in comparison. Sure, he gets irritated and snarky, but he doesn’t blow up, like screaming-abuses-shoving-people-throwing-punches-blow-up. That’s more… down Isak’s alley.
And God, is he constantly on edge about that. Especially moments like these. When they are at a party at Chris’ place, and Even is annoyed about something at work that he is being absolutely quiet. He just drinks beer after beer. Isak knows it has nothing to do with him, believes Even when he says he's just pissed about his manager, but he doesn’t like it when Even goes still and stoic. It reminds him of Even when he is depressed and wouldn’t make a sound or a movement for days on end. It makes him really anxious. But he has never said this to Even. So, maybe it’s Isak’s fault. He can't help but prod Even about what's on his mind.
Even answers, “Nothing, just stressed.”
Isak has issues, okay? He can’t just leave it at that. And he was starting to get worked up listening to Even say "nothing", or shrug his shoulder, or answer with a mere nod or a shake of his head. So, when Even takes another beer from the fridge and Isak starts worrying about the problems that alcohol would trigger in Even in the long run, he just seizes the beer from Even’s hand without a word. Usually he would say something to lessen the blow.
Isak would say, maybe we should both slow down on the alcohol, okay love? Or baby, let’s dance. Or once or twice, he has said hey, put down that bottle and put your mouth on me (and as cheesy as that sounds, it has worked magnificently in stopping Even from drinking too much). Or he’d wordlessly kiss him, they’d make out against the wall for the rest of the night. Something, anything, to placate Even for calling the shots on his behalf. This time, Isak was peeved about the whole silent treatment and didn’t even try.
Even shoots him a dangerous look and grabs another bottle. Isak, feeling challenged, takes that away too.
“Are you really gonna be that kind of boyfriend now?” Even says darkly.
“What kind? The kind that gives a shit?” Isak answers, his exasperation starting to show.
“The kind who thinks he owns me just cause we’re together.”
“Well, maybe if you don’t stop being such an asshole right now, we wouldn’t be together all that long.”
That raises Even’s hackles. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re being a class A asshole and I am done babysitting you for the night, so no, you don’t get a beer,” Isak snarls.
Isak knows he’s saying the wrong things here. Very wrong things. Awful things, even. He knows how Even feels about people having to take care of him. It makes Even feel very guilty which eventually morphs into thinking he is inadequate and broken. He also knows how Even feels about the word “babysitting”. That is a very specific choice of word that Even uses solely when he describes Sonja. He wouldn't use it to describe his parents even when they are being overbearing because his parents merely worry about him and don’t know how to show it. Sonja though, when she gets irritated with Even... which she used to a lot, because she didn’t get to do things that girls her age could do. She had a sick boyfriend, she had to grow up before her time. There have been instances when she felt compelled to stay behind with Even because he was depressed even though he had told her many times before that he could handle being alone, and how it made him feel even worse seeing her moping around him, silently being frustrated at him. Also, not counting the odd looks and the rumours and questions she got when the news of Even’s botched attempt at suicide got around, it really all got to her and you can’t really blame her for it but even so… When Sonja gets annoyed with Even, she makes sure he knows exactly how much she has done for him, and how no other girl would want to do all that for him, how badly he needs her and how ungrateful he is to her sometimes.
There was one bad fight when Even refused to meet Sonja’s parents for dinner because he wasn’t feeling well and she spat, “You’re a grown, whiny baby, Even. I’m gonna have to wipe your arse for you one of these days. Cause that’s how incapable you are of being normal.”
She said it out of anger; she has since learnt from her mistake and apologised to Even and he has accepted the apology. But that fight left a scar and Even only ever uses the word “babysitting” when talking about people nagging him to do something in that context, when referring to that fight.
So, Isak is pretty fucking stupid, you could say, to throw that word at Even in a party in front of his friends while trying to practically call the shots for Even. Triple strikes right there.
Even pulls back the bottle from Isak’s hand and mutters, “Fuck off.”
And that is Isak’s greatest fear materialising right before his eyes. Not Even’s anger or dismissal, not his stoic silence right after he takes a swig of the beer, not even the thought of Even eventually triggering another manic episode with his recklessness with alcohol, no.
Isak’s worst fucking fear is that moment when Isak gets so pissed off, he can’t see past his rage. When all he wants to do is hurt someone. And when that someone is Even.
He yanks the bottle hard enough that Even stumbles a step forward towards him and almost falls, and throws the bottle with full force against the wall near the fridge. He hears the bottle crash and shatter and spray all over the floor, some shards even landing on him and Isak at the impact, hears Vilde let out a short, sharp scream in shock, hears Jonas say “What the fuck? Isak?” , hears Magnus push the crowd apart to get to them, hears Chris saying something loudly to the crowd, hears the music turn off, hears Noora and Eva approach Even frantically, hears Sana stand beside Isak and exclaim angrily, “Isak! What do you think you’re doing?”, hears Yousef say loudly, “Nobody’s hurt. Nobody’s hurt. Just don’t go to the kitchen area. I’ll clean up the glass,” hears Mahdi ask Even, “Bro, you okay?” He hears them all. Above all, he hears the sound of his blood rushing in his ears and his heart pounding and the click of his throat as he swallows.
And he sees Even, looking at him with absolute shock, gauging Isak, even as he mutters mindlessly, “I’m okay, I’m okay” to somebody.
He watches in horror as someone, Magnus he thinks, or Yousef, says, “Even, you’re bleeding. Don’t move,” and reaches out with their shirt to pull out a tiny shard from Even’s arm below his sleeve.
He looks up and Even hasn’t averted his gaze from Isak, he is still stunned. Isak reaches out abruptly to place his palm against Even’s cheek but he stops himself when Even’s immediate reaction is to flinch and pull away slightly. It doesn’t look like he means to do that, Even looks surprised by his own reaction, opens his mouth to say something to Isak, but Jonas wraps his fingers around Isak’s arm and drags him out of there. He doesn’t know if he is thankful for that or even more petrified by what that means, now that he can no longer see Even, can’t know what he thinks of him.
Jonas physically drags him by the arm all the way to the park two blocks away and Isak follows wordlessly, still in a daze. When Jonas finally drops him on a bench and stands opposite him, Isak lets out a wet gasp and tears start welling in his eyes.
“What the fuck was that, man? You can’t just throw a bottle near someone’s head like that. You’re so fucking lucky it didn’t hit Even. Or anyone, for that matter. What the fuck, Isak?”
Isak opens his mouth to say something and he just can’t breathe enough to form a word. All that comes out is a wet, choking noise.
“You fucked up, man,” Jonas says again as he paces in front of Isak.
“I lost control,” Isak answers through his quietly building sobs.
“Yeah, you did.” He sits next to Isak, pulls him into a side hug and mutters, “You really need to learn to control your temper, bro. You know this isn’t the first time you’ve—“
He cut that speech short when he feels Isak trembling and shaking back and forth.
Jonas holds him tighter with both arms and whispers, “Breathe, breathe. We’ll fix this. He’ll understand. Breathe.”
Isak knows. He knows this isn’t the first time. He has punched Jonas in the gut after a fight once, slammed Mahdi against the wall after seeing Even kiss Sonja, he has thrown his fist at Mikael because he was jealous, he has bitch slapped this kid from his school who called Even a cock sucking fag for wearing the pansexual flag badge, and then hit him backhanded again just because, almost thrown himself headfirst into a fight with the random fucker on the street that called them disgusting, now this… Isak knows he has issues. He is aware of it. He just didn’t think it would ever possibly be directed towards Even. He was afraid of it, sure, but that meant he made sure he was always very patient and calm with Even and so far it has worked but today... he got reckless today.
By the time Jonas and Isak walked back to Chris’ house, the party was over. Chris walks out with a garbage bag, Sana’s holding two full ones, Eva and Noora are picking up bottles and cans and plastic cups off the floor, Vilde’s wiping down the living room table with a wet cloth, Magnus is washing the dishes while Mahdi dries them with a hand cloth and arranges them neatly in the drawers. But no sight of Even.
When they see Isak and Jonas walk in, they almost pounced on him, all opening their mouths at the same time, asking questions, gravitating towards him, but it’s Sana that says sternly, “Even’s staying over with Yousef tonight.”
Isak feels his eyes water again. “Where...” he clears his throat and tries again, “Where is that?”
Sana holds his forearm and says, “Go home, Isak. Rest. I think you should both sleep on this. Yousef will drive Even home in the morning. When you’re both sober enough to talk this out.”
“But Even—“ he starts only to be interrupted by Eva.
“He is okay. Just a small cut. The boys took care of it.”
Eva leans over as Sana steps back and gives Isak a long, tight hug and Isak feels so ashamed of himself that he buries his face against her shoulder and tries to control his erratic breathing.
He hears Mahdi say, “Bro, you didn’t drive here, did you?”
Jonas shakes his head.
“You want me to drive Isak home?”
Jonas quips, “You offering, bro? Cause I swear you’re not gonna get anywhere alive if you tried to drive within the next few days. You drank a shit ton of tequila.”
Mahdi laughs and says, “Yeah man, free drinks, what can I say?”
That lightens up the vibe in the room. Noora is the one to drive Isak back home at the end.
When she drops him off, she squeezes his shoulder and says, “We all make mistakes. Try and get some sleep. It will all be okay.”
Isak doesn’t say anything. Just leaves the car and walks into his apartment, their apartment, the home Even and Isak made for themselves, and hopes against hope that he didn’t irreparably damage their relationship.
*****
At 9.27 am, he hears the door knob turn. He knows the exact time cause Isak has been sitting on his bed, staring at his phone without sleeping since Noora dropped him off last night at nearly 1 am. He tried to sleep; there were fifteen-minute gaps of unconsciousness here and there throughout the night, but he was mostly tossing and turning and feeling like utter crap about himself. Every now and then, he would hold Even’s pillow against his face and cry a little when he smells Even’s shampoo and cologne.
When the door opens, he has half the mind to pretend to be asleep so he doesn’t have to face Even and deal with the repercussions of everything he has done. But he has a wild thought of Even packing his bags quietly and leaving to his parents’ place and he immediately shoots off the bed and rushes to the door and catches Even taking off his shoes and socks.
Even looks up at him from where he’s bent over and says hello quietly, like he is almost afraid to startle Isak, and that got the water works running again.
He feels ashamed. After all he has done, what right does he have to cry and expect sympathy?
But when Even moves towards him in one large step with the words, “Baby, come here”, Isak can’t help but hug him and sob against his chest. He feels Even rubbing circles on his back.
“Ssshhh… ssshhhh… it’s okay, Isak. Sssshhh, I’m okay. Baby, please. Let it go.”
It’s only when he hears Even say all that that he registers the pathetic sounds he is making, whimpering against Even, saying “I’m sorry, God I’m sorry” repeatedly against Even’s collarbone where he has smooshed his face.
It takes a long time before he calms down enough to look at Even’s arm. He has a plaster somewhere below the sleeve of his white t-shirt; there is a speck of blood against the sleeve. Even notices Isak reaching his fingers towards his arm and then stopping midway.
Even reassures, “It’s really a very small cut, baby. Didn’t even hurt or anything. Don’t worry about it.”
Even then maneuvers Isak back to bed and takes off his jeans and lies down next to Isak in his boxers, curling his hand around Isak’s wrist and looking at him intently. Then Isak spills everything. Between desperate apologies and stuttering breaths, he tells him he didn't mean to hurt Even. Tells him he'd do anything to take back what he said. Tells him about his temper. Talks to Even about how his mum used to scream bloody murder at his dad when she was in a certain mood. How Isak would lock himself in the room when that happens. How he’d break things, flip tables, tear apart pages from his book, scratch lines against his wooden cupboard with a pen, punch walls until he can drown out his mother’s voice. How his dad always got mad at him for breaking things in the room. How his dad would channel all that frustration on him, call him difficult, call him just like your mother… how he thinks maybe his dad is right.
Isak doesn’t think he has an affliction of the mind the way his mother does per say. And that just makes it all worse, isn’t it? He can’t even blame his temper on anything. He really is just an asshole. It’s like living with a monster, not knowing when it would take over, not knowing what or who he’d break next. Even listens to him talk, doesn’t say a word. Just rubs circles against the inside of his wrist and moves his head closer to Isak, sharing a pillow, when the younger boy looks away to stare at something else. He sighs and tells Even about all the other time he has hurt people. Not just the physical lashing out, but the emotional lashing out too. About how he sabotaged Eva’s relationship with Jonas. He has confessed to Even before about having a crush on Jonas when Even told him all about Mikael. But he conveniently left out the sabotaging part.
When he’s done talking, Even asks him to rest while he makes them both something to eat. He says nothing other than that. And Isak gives up. He just lies against the pillow with his eyes closed, ignoring the tears leaking from the corner of his eyes, and gives up. Even doesn’t seem angry or hurt even. Isak can’t read his expression. He’s quiet, stoic, like he has made up his mind and only bidding time till he can announce his decision, regardless of what Isak has said. This is it. This is how it ends. Isak curls in on himself and just sinks into the bed, wishing he could disappear.
Even brings them both a stack of toasts with butter and tea for himself, cold milk for Isak. He drinks the milk and he hardly munches through half the toast before he stops trying. Even puts the plate and glasses on the bedside table, takes off the t-shirt that he is wearing to push the crumbs off the bed with it, and lies back down next to Isak. He pulls the cover over both of them, moves close enough to tuck Isak against his side, places his palm flat against Isak’s chest, and kisses his forehead and cheek a few times before falling back with a heavy sigh.
Isak doesn’t know what to make of it, so he decides it’s time to rip off the bandaid.
“You’re breaking up with me,” he says matter-of-factly.
He is taken aback by how calm… how cold he sounds.
Even pulls back far enough to look him in the eye and say, “No. Of course not, Isak. Never.”
Now that… isn’t what Isak expected to hear.
“You’re not breaking up with me?” he asks tentatively.
“No, I’m not,” he kisses Isak, chaste and soft, until Isak opens his mouth against his.
They kiss till they run out of breath, Isak arching his body towards Even as he tries to get closer, pulling Even down on him when he couldn’t. He can’t let this boy go. Even is the best thing to have ever happened to him and he can’t let him go.
As though Even could hear his internal pleas, he breaks off the kiss, rests his forehead against Isak, and says, “I know how it feels… to not trust yourself, to feel out of control. I know what it's like to be afraid all the time. I know, baby. And I also get that it’s hard for you to believe me right now. But I’m not leaving. I am in this with you. We have both done things we are not proud of. We’re both trying to be better people. I am my best self when I am with you and—“
“Me too. You make me better.”
“Yeah, we’re good for each other like that. And sometimes, when things get bad, we might hurt each other. I’ve done that to you before. You didn’t give up on us then. So, why would I give up on us now?”
“But what I did—“
“Ssshhh… It’s okay. We will work on this together. We will help each other. I love you, Isak. I love you so goddamn much, you have no idea.”
Isak holds Even by the back of his head and guides him forward for a kiss. And Isak mumbles between every kiss, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”
The fact that it’s so good when it’s good is also the reason why it’s so bad when it’s bad. Sometimes, they hurt each other and scare each other and lose each other. But they always find their way back and they cry and they forgive and they heal and they stay through it all. Isak wouldn’t have it any other way.