Chapter Text
Even then I have nothing against life.
I know well the grass blades you mention,
the furniture you have placed under the sun.
But suicides have a special language.
Like carpenters they want to know which tools.
They never ask why build.
-Anne Sexton
“Turn left in...uh... 90m. That means… here, here. Turn here. That’s the hotel,” Isak guides with his eyes swiveling from the road, the GPS on his phone and the building looming closer, about twenty stories high.
It looks too prestigious and expensive for their combined income, so Even says disbelievingly, “No waaaaay. No way, baby, this is your idea of a date night? We can’t afford this. Are you sure we’re at the right place?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. Don’t worry about it. The suite has already been paid for.”
“What?!” Even exclaims as he parks the car in the basement of the hotel.
Isak smirks and leaves a short, hard kiss against Even’s gaping mouth, looking all too pleased with himself, “Just wait and see.”
He gets out of the car way too enthusiastically, grabs the two duffel bags that he packed in secrecy, not allowing Even to take a peek or even offer to carry, heads to the elevator that would lead them up to the lobby and waits for Even’s body and brain to catch up with the fact that when Isak said let’s do something totally different and romantic, he meant going big and blowing a hole in their joint account. Even’s a little worried, to be honest. He’s the impulsive one in the relationship. They can’t both afford to be over-the-top. Only one person can make bad decisions financially and that one-person role has been filled by Even.
This must show on Even’s face because Isak huffs out a breath, holds Even’s hand, and says, “Listen, I know what I’m doing. It’s fine.”
“Are you sure?” Even laughs a little, but his nervousness betrays him.
“Okay, look. If you must know, Elias knows this guy who works at the hotel and I bribed him 300 krone and he’s gonna get us in. He’s waiting at the lobby right now. And the money was from what I had left, my dad gave me some last month remember?”
Since when Isak liaises with Elias behind his back, he has no idea. And Elias, that jerk, didn’t even warn a bro. But it also makes his heart skip a beat, knowing that Isak took so much trouble to make this a nice surprise for Even.
Even lets out a breath of relief and nods, “Okay, okay. That’s cheap for a suite. We can afford that.”
It’s not that Even can’t ask his parents for financial help if he needs to. They’re pretty well to do as a family. But ever since he moved in with Isak, he has been trying to prove to…somebody, his parents maybe, or himself, or Isak, or the world at large, that he is capable of being a well-functioning, balanced adult who can earn his living and would make responsible decisions. Well, for the most part, Isak helps him with the latter, he discusses financial matters with Isak a lot, and he can see why. Cause his boyfriend is resourceful like that.
“Yes, we can. Chill. Let’s enjoy this evening.”
He kisses Even breathless till the elevator makes a ding sound and they part to appear decent to whoever is standing at the other side of the elevator door. Isak leans in still and leaves a peck on Even’s shoulder as he moves out of the elevator. It’s a simple gesture, Even hardly felt it through the layer of clothes that Isak forced him to wear for some odd reason, yet it makes Even’s heart swell. His resourceful, wonderful boyfriend. His boyfriend. Just thinking that blows his mind sometimes. He can’t help but grin.
Isak walks straight to the receptionist and asks for Abdel. The guy who answers from behind the desk, well, looking over at Isak’s slightly open mouth, Even thinks they can both agree that he is fucking hot. Damn, Elias! He has never even mentioned this guy before.
Abdel says in a practised, professional voice, “Mr Valtersen, Mr Næsheim, welcome. Allow me to accompany you to your suite.”
He grabs a set of keys from the drawer and leads them to the elevator on the other end of the lobby with a gentle Please and a hand gesture. They get into the elevator and he punches his key card number and… Even’s losing vision. He lets out a squawk that he isn’t proud of but he can hear Isak’s laughter against his ear, his breath caressing his temple.
“Relax, baby. I just want to keep this a surprise.”
Even feels the blindfold tighten and then he hears the sound of keys clinking and Abdel says to Isak, “Bro, you need to be out by 6.30 am, alright? 6.30. My shift ends then. I need the keys so I can put them back without anyone noticing.”
Isak answers, “Sure. Got it. Before 6.30. We probably won’t be here all that long anyway. Thank you, man, really appreciate it.”
“Yeah, Elias said your boyfriend’s his bro. Been bros for the longest time,” he feels a friendly pat on his shoulder from the side where Abdel’s standing, hears him say, “Hey man, I’m Abdel. Maybe we’ll hang out one of these days.”
“Even,” he holds out his hand in the general direction with a wide grin. “How do you know Elias?”
“He’s my cousin. We don’t really hang out much unless our families meet up. I’ve been really busy, trying to get through school with this side gig for money. But yeah, we should all hang out together when we can.”
“Of course. Would love to—“Even starts when he hears the elevator ding again.
“Thanks, dude,” Isak says. “You have my number, call me if we need to get out before 6.30, right?”
“Sure, you boys have fun.”
“Thank you, Abdel,” Even holds out his hand again, obviously somewhere farther from where Abdel’s at because it takes him a moment, a small woops, and awkward hand grabbing to shake Even’s hand.
When he hears the elevator door close behind him, Even brings his hand up to remove the blindfold when he feels Isak smack his hand lightly.
He whispers in Even’s ear, “Not yet, baby,” and lightly nibbles his earlobe.
Even can’t help but blush all over. Something about Isak that drives him absolutely nuts, even after all this time living together. Sex with Isak is always new and wild and exhilarating. Well, at least that’s what he thought was about to happen. He’d open the blindfold and find himself in the middle of a suite, Isak naked and lying on a big round bed with red silk covers surrounded by flower petals and scented candles or some shit, like one of those cheesy movies he used to watch when he was younger. Okay, no, he has no shame in admitting that he still watches them. Okay, maybe some shame, but whatever.
Instead, Isak holds his hand, guides him forward a few steps, and says, “We’re going to climb stairs. Put your hand here,” he feels Isak guide his right hand and he feels cold metal, a railing, “and hold my hand tightly. Now, climb as I count. 1… 2…3…”
Together they climb a flight of stairs up to 17 counts. And then Isak says, “Okay, walk now. Walk. Yes,” Isak maneuvers Even's body to the side and then says, “Okay stop. We have another flight of stairs. Ready?”
“Baby, where are we going?”
“You’ll see. Okay 1…2…”
And then he repeats the same physical maneuver and announces one more flight of stairs. By this point, Even’s sweating, his palms clammy and shaky, and it has nothing to do with physical exertion. Even thinks he has an idea where they’re headed and… he doesn’t like it one bit. Not liking is an understatement.
He’s about two breaths away from tugging Isak’s hand and announcing, “No. We’re not doing that.”
In a second, he's going to rip the blindfold off, turn back, and run down the stairs. He starts to open his mouth to tell Isak he can’t do this when he hears the keys jangle and Isak pushing open a metal door. And he feels the rush of cold air and his mind starts panicking. No fucking way that this is his life. If there is a God, which Even doesn’t believe in anymore, if there is one though, Even thinks he’d never forgive him for this sick joke.
He feels Isak tug at his blindfold and he wishes he could tell Isak to just leave it there. It’s the only way he can get through tonight. And when he feels the blindfold fall across his face, he keeps his eyes shut tight while Isak ceremoniously yells TADA!
He hears Isak giggle, taking a huge breath and say, “Isn’t this fucking amazing? So beautiful.”
So... Isak hasn’t noticed. That Even would rather cut a finger off than spend the night here, on the rooftop of a twenty-story building, with the wind hitting him relentlessly across his face. He opens his eyes slowly, and stands marble-still at the same spot, a few steps past the exit door, and forces himself to breathe. He can do this. For Isak, he can. He can get through a while, maybe an excruciating hour, before he offers to take Isak back home, claiming the night is too cold for his liking. He can do it. All he has to do is last an hour. Hold it together for an hour, damnit.
Isak is rambling about a midnight picnic under the starry sky with city lights, how this is so like the romantic movies Even watches, pulls out a sleeping bag-- goddamnit is he fucking kidding right now? A fucking sleeping bag? And containers of food. Food that he probably went out to buy before Even came home from work because the world knows Isak can’t cook a meal to save his life. How is this Even’s life? Why does everything romantic that Isak tries to do involve some fucking life-or-death stunt for Even?
Isak finally looks over and sees Even’s stunned face. He just laughs a little, approaches Even, stands on his toes, and kisses him. Even lunges forward and channels all of his anxiety into that kiss. He knows it’s rough, he knows that the way he’s clutching Isak’s face and pressing his lips will probably bruise Isak, that it’s much too urgent and desperate and frantic to be enjoyable, Isak’s going to freak out… and he can already feel Isak forming the words “ow, ow ow” against his mouth, Isak pushing at his chest and dragging his face away from Even… and Even lets go.
Isak laughs a little hysterically and says, “I get that this whole romance thing is blowing your mind right now, but we have the whole night. Take it slow, baby,” he leans into Even again.
That… isn’t what Even thought he’d say. And honestly, that isn’t what he wants to hear. The whole night on a rooftop isn't romance, it's fucking hell. He lets Isak kiss him, barely reciprocates, just stands there hating everything that has led them here.
Isak then moves away, walks closer to the other end, too far from the exit for Even’s liking, and raises his arms like fucking Rose from Titanic or some shit. Usually Even would be all for reenacting that scene with Isak but right now, he’s too busy trying to make sure his heart doesn’t give out to find that adorable.
“Come here, Even. It looks even more stunning from here.”
And then Isak does something that makes Even’s restraint snap like a twig, a barely-holding-it-together-in-the-first-place twig. He sits on the ledge. The fucking ledge.
And Even finds himself barrelling towards Isak, calling out agitatedly, “What the fuck?! Isak, get off there. Get off the ledge, baby, come here, don’t sit there—“
Isak turns to face Even, sitting cross-legged on the ledge, adjusts himself and says cheerfully, “The ledge is big enough to sit comfortably. Come here. Sit next to me.”
“Fucking get off the ledge, Jesus, Isak, get off!”
“What? Baby, it’s—“
“Listen to me, FUCK! Just get off, will you? Please, baby, get off, come to me, walk here.”
Isak looks baffled and smiles nervously, “Even, why are you freaking out? It’s safe, it’s big enough, I’m not gonna fall—“
“You fucking will, Isak, stop it, stop all this and just come here, why are you being so fucking stubborn? Just get off, goddamnit are you out of your fucking mind?”
He can’t move any closer to the ledge himself. He’s standing 5 steps away, can’t reach out and pull Isak off. In fact, he’s more afraid of doing that cause what if Isak struggles and pulls back and falls or something?
Isak looks… well, he looks irritated when he enunciates slowly and clearly like he is speaking to a 6 year old, “The only way I will fall is if I jumped. Okay? There’s no way I’m gonna fall sitting like this. And I’m not about to jump, so will you calm the fuck down?”
And that… Even trembles where he stood and pinches the bridge of his nose and tries to take a ragged breath and his body jerks into a panic attack. He’s bending over, trying to get his lungs to work, his vision swimming, yet being so acutely aware of how far away Isak is, how he’s still on the ledge, his mind unhelpfully supplying not safe not safe get off.
The next thing he knows, Isak’s pulling him away, grabbing their bags and heading straight to the exit door with Even on his heels, unlocks the door, guides Even out, and Even hardly knows what he’s doing, body moving on autopilot, the wet sound of him gasping like a fish out of water echoing against the narrow staircase walls, tripping on the stairs on his way down, Isak is saying something, he’s talking, Even sees his lips move on his distraught face, hears distorted sounds, but can’t register anything. And then he sees Isak fumble with his phone and drop it, sees the battery fall out, Isak shouting something before reassembling it, hand still holding Even’s arm, squeezing hard, and then he makes a phone call.
And by the time the elevator opens and he sees Abdel inside, Even can breathe a little again, and his vision clears up slowly. He blinks away the tears welling in his eyes. Isak’s saying something to Abdel, he hears his stuttering voice but can’t make out the words.
When they finally step out of the building, Abdel hauls them a cab because Even’s in no condition to drive back and Isak doesn't know how to drive. Abdel reassures Isak that he will look after the car for the night and he can get Elias to drive it back in the morning to the apartment.
Inside the cab, Isak touches Even’s cheek and mutters, “Baby—“
Even just pulls away. He looks out of the window, feeling slightly more in control of his breathing, but suddenly angry. He’s pissed. At Isak. He knows it’s unreasonable, he knows he never told Isak that the last time he was at a rooftop by himself, he was about to jump. That's the infamous story of his botched attempt at suicide. His father pulled him back from the ledge, kicking and screaming, struggling with all his might, trying to get out of his father's grip to jump headfirst. He wanted so badly to just fucking die and put an end to his diseased mind. He thought Mikael was repulsed by him, his best friend, his family, the boy he was deeply in love with at the time. He thought he was going to hell, that everybody hated him, that Elias would spit on his face if he ever dropped by his house again. He felt so alone, nothing made sense, nothing had meaning, he was dragging behind a dead weight, a rotting corpse, making his parents' lives a living hell, and he wanted to quit.
And being anywhere near a ledge is terrifying because like Isak said, the only way he could fall is if he intended to, if he jumped, pushed himself off the edge. And the only way he’ll find out if he still wants to is if he climbs on that ledge in the first place. Though his life with Isak has been nothing short of amazing, despite the highs and lows, his gut says that given the choice and chance, he might still do it. It has been almost three years, life has been relatively good, but he’s still waiting for the fallout everyday, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for life to take the same turn it did years ago, and if he could possibly end it before it gets that bad again, he just might. He can’t tell for certain that he wouldn’t at least, and that is reason enough to never step into a rooftop, no matter how romantic the movies portray them. Because life is agony for the most part, like the inky expanse of a sky, endless, constantly present pain, with star-studded moments of lucidity and contentment. The stars may or may not be perceptible to human eye on any given night, but the sky though, with its darkness like a gaping absence, like a hole that can never be filled, the sky is unfailing. So is the nature of life. The suffering is unfailing and inevitable.
And just like any suffering man, boxed into a corner, helpless and distraught, would attack in anger, Even can’t help but lash out when Isak tries to get him to look at him, to explain himself.
“Isak, seriously, fuck off! I mean it. Just… shut up for a while.”
And he sees Isak’s face, scrunching in hurt, frowning for a second before unfurling into indifference. And he moves away quietly, leaving Even to sulk on his own. Even has a fleeting moment of dread, wanting to reach out and wipe that expression off Isak’s face, and then he thinks fuck it. He just can’t deal with Isak right now. He can worry about him tomorrow. After all, it’s Isak who said they should live minute by minute. And in this minute, Even is going to look out for himself and do what he needs to do to yank his mind out of the abyss it's slipping into. Isak will have to look after himself for tonight.