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Nitori loved talking to Gou-chan and it was nice to swim outside every once in a while, but Rin had a tendency to forget the length of their commute when they went to Iwatobi. He always ended up telling Nitori to wait five more minutes and quit being bossy when he told him it was time to go. Apparently Nitori was the only one who understood that they had a curfew and that the captain would be mad if they broke it. So he ended his conversation with Gou-chan and went to get her brother from the locker room.
As he approached, the conversation within started to reach his ears. He paused. Rin sounded worked up. Nitori really didn’t want to be snapped at today, but they had to go. He steeled himself against his senpai’s rage and moved to the door. This time, his approach enabled him to hear the actual words, not just the tone.
“…annoying,” Rin was saying. “Miserable, even. Having him constantly follow me like a fucking imprinted duck, the whole time chirping, ‘senpai, senpai, senpai’.”
Nitori froze. Was Rin talking about him? Calling him annoying and saying he made him miserable? He had to be; no one else called him senpai or followed him around. He felt like crying. All his devotion, his support, his love wasted on someone who hated him. He couldn’t go in now. He couldn’t let anyone see the devastation that was definitely showing on his face. He clutched the strap of his gym bag and fled.
Gou called to him as he ran out the gate, but he didn’t stop or answer. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes on his way to the train. He didn’t want to cry and draw attention to himself, so he kept his head bowed when he finally made it. His hair hid his eyes and the tears escaping them.
He hoped no one followed. But then, what if they all thought the same as Rin? What if no one, not even Gou-chan, liked him? If that were the case, no one would follow him. He would have no one. Just like before Matsuoka-senpai. All alone because no one wanted someone who still looked like a middle-school student around. Especially not at a top athletics school.
He struggled not to breakdown. But, faced with the prospect of being alone again, he couldn’t stop himself from shaking. The train arrived and he hurried to board. Once on, he pulled his hood over his head and sat away from any other occupants so he could let more of his tears flow out. Holding them in would only make him shake more.
When the train reached his stop, he hurriedly wiped his eyes before leaving the train. He didn’t want anyone from school to see him like this.
He didn’t bother trying to greet his team or classmates when he reached the dorm building. He just wanted to get to his dorm. He finally did get to it and the moment he was inside, he hit his knees. He hid his face in his hands and sobbed.
He felt like his whole world was caving in on him. Like all the happiness from the past few months had been sucked out. His senpai wasn’t his friend; he didn’t even like him. The boys from Iwatobi and Gou probably didn’t either. They probably just didn’t want to be rude by telling him to leave. Everything that once made him happy was tainted now. The nickname, Rin’s encouragement, his new friends… It was all meaningless now. No one wanted someone so obnoxious hanging around.
Even the stuffed shark Nagisa gave him for his birthday seemed tainted now, so he didn’t go get it for comfort or climb into his bed to finish crying.
He cried uninterrupted for at least fifteen long minutes before there was a knock on the door. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes. It couldn’t be Matsuoka-senpai. It hadn’t been long enough for him to get back from Iwatobi and he had a key.
He cleared his throat and called, “Yes?” as steadily as he could.
“Nitori-san? Are you okay? Can I come in?” Nitori didn’t want to be disrespectful, but he didn’t want the captain coming inside either. Before he could call back, however, the captain softened his tone and called again, “Nitori, please. I know you’re upset. Let me in so I can help you.”
Nitori sniffled and stood up. He couldn’t say no when Mikoshiba spoke like that. He pulled open the door and stepped aside to let the captain inside. Mikoshiba waited until the door was shut to ask what was wrong.
Nitori shook his head and said, “Nothing, really. I just overheard something sad. Thank you for coming to check on me.”
Mikoshiba frowned at him. “Nitori, don’t lie to me. It’s obviously not nothing. Tell me what happened.”
He didn’t want to make the captain angry with Rin-senpai. He couldn’t help how he felt. It wasn’t Rin’s fault. But he knew how the captain could get, as well. He wasn’t likely to let it go if Nitori didn’t tell him. He rubbed his left arm self-consciously. “I overheard Rin-senpai tell his friends that he found me annoying and that I made him miserable.”
As expected, anger flashed in Mikoshiba’s eyes. Nitori hurriedly said, “But it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping. And he didn’t say it to my face or anything. I don’t think he intended to hurt me. He was just…venting, I guess. It’s not his fault.”
The captain did not look like he agreed, but he stayed calm and said, “I know how much that must’ve hurt you, Nitori-san. It wasn’t fair for him to say that, even if he was just venting. You're a devoted and caring person. He should be grateful to have a kohai like you.”
Nitori’s eyes watered again; this time because he was so touched. He wiped at his eyes and tried to form the words he needed to express his gratitude, but his throat felt like it had closer off. Mikoshiba didn’t need to hear it, apparently. He held his arms out and silently offered Nitori a hug. Nitori almost collapsed as he fell into the embrace.
Mikoshiba held him and let him cry it out. Nitori took forever to stop, but the captain held him up the entire time. When he finished, he was hiccupping and had a damp shirt to apologize for.
“Feel a little better?” the captain asked gently.
Nitori nodded. “Yes, thank you. I’m sorry about your shirt.”
Mikoshiba just waved a dismissive hand. “Don’t worry about it. It’ll dry in a bit.” He took one arm from around Nitori’s torso and guided him gently to sit on the edge of Rin’s bunk. “Do you want me to stay with you until he gets back? Help you talk to him about it?”
Nitori shook his head furiously. “No, I don’t want to talk to him about it. I don’t want him to know I heard. I just…I want to stop bothering him. I think I should distance myself. Just let him alone.” He pulled his legs up to his chest and stared straight ahead. “I don’t want him to have to put up with me anymore.”
“Nitori,” the captain started to object, but Nitori shook his head firmly.
“I don’t go where I’m not wanted.” Remembering that while sharing a room would be hard though. He would undoubtedly slip and he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to make Rin miserable anymore. Mikoshiba was in charge of the team’s room assignments though; maybe he could help? He lifted his head to look at the captain again. “Is there anyone who doesn’t have a roommate, captain?”
Mikoshiba thought for a second, but ultimately shook his head. “Everyone has one.” Nitori sighed and dropped his chin onto his knees again. “Everyone but me, at least.” He put his hand on Nitori’s back again and leaned in like he had a secret to share. “And I’d be more than happy to have one, so long as you don’t mind running with me in the mornings.”
Nitori lifted his head and smiled. “I’d like that.” He always felt like such an intruder on Rin’s morning runs. Mikoshiba never made anyone feel like an intruder. “You wouldn’t mind?”
“Not at all,” Mikoshiba assured him.
Nitori thought he should be fair and just warn the captain, so he pointed and said, “That desk is mine.”
Mikoshiba looked and laughed. “Mine’s about the same,” he assured him. Nitori smiled happily. “Let me go move some stuff around and alert the housing department. You start packing.” Mikoshiba stood up and Nitori watched him. The captain mussed his hair and smiled gently. “This’ll be fun.”
“I’ll try my best,” Nitori promised.
“Just don’t mind me snoring. We’ll be fine,” the captain assured him yet again. Nitori smiled while he watched Mikoshiba walk out.
Alone, he looked around the room and nodded. This was the right decision. Rin would be happy, he would be happy, and maybe if he was forced to spend more time with people his own age instead of tailing after Rin, he would make new friends. Maybe this would be good for both of them.
That in mind, he started packing. It was actually easy and quick to do. Despite his roommate’s doubts, he did know where he kept everything and he could organize when he need to. But the time he was done, everything he had was organized to fit into four boxes. He looked around and blinked in amazement. The room had never looked so neat. Even with his boxes stacked on the floor near the door, it was very neat, almost flawless even. Just the way Rin would like.
He sighed and took his keychain from his pocket. With some natural difficulty, he removed his room key and placed it on his emptied desk.
“All set?” Mikoshiba asked as he stepped into the room. Nitori nodded. Mikoshiba smiled and gave him a supportive pat on the back. Then he leaned down to pick up the boxes.
“I can get those,” Nitori tried to protest. Mikoshiba waved him off and left the room. Nitori scooped up his stuffed shark doll and school bag and hurried after him.
The captain put his boxes on the floor next to the spare desk and turned to grin at him. Nitori smiled back. “Okay, I’m going to go tell the dorm manager you’re all moved out and get you your key.” He walked over and stopped in front of Nitori to look at him. He put his hand on Nitori’s shoulder and squeezed. “Go ahead and get settled. Top bunk’s yours and I cleared cupboards for you. I’m excited. It’s been years since I had a roommate.”
Nitori smiled up at him and nodded. “Thank you, captain. I’m excited too.”
The captain once again left him alone. He looked around and swallowed. He was only across the hall, but he felt like he was in another world. Another life. But it was a life where he wasn’t annoying anyone. He was wanted. Mikoshiba was a good man and always honest. He wouldn’t lie to Nitori, no matter what. If he didn’t want him, he would have found him somewhere else. He would have pulled strings to move him to the non-team floors where there was undoubtedly a vacancy. But he hadn’t. He welcomed Nitori in and Nitori would do whatever it took to make sure he didn’t regret it.
He started unpacking his bed things. He would be a perfect roommate in the morning. Now he just wanted to sleep.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Rin jogged up to his dorm. He was out of breath after racing all the way back from Iwatobi, but he couldn’t exactly take his time after Nitori had bolted like that. He still didn’t know why the underclassman had left without him, but he was worried. Nitori loved going home together. Why would he skip it?
He opened the door to the dorm and said, “Why’d you leave me?” without actually looking for Nitori. When he raised his head from putting his shoes away, he saw that Nitori wasn’t actually in the room. The bathroom door was open, so he wasn’t there either. He looked around for him and quickly noticed the differences to the room. For one, Nitori’s bed didn’t have blankets or a pillow sized shark sitting on it. For another, his desk was completely cleared except for a single silver key. He frantically started to search for a note. Had Nitori’s parents called him home suddenly? Was there an emergency? Where was he?
He took out his cell phone and dialed Nitori’s number. He didn’t answer. The phone rang twice then went to voicemail. He tried again and this time the phone didn’t ring at all. He growled in frustration and raked his fingers through his hair. What the hell was going on?
He forced himself to take deep breaths. The captain would know. Nitori wouldn’t leave without telling the captain.
He rushed across the hall and knocked firmly. “Just a moment,” Mikoshiba called from inside. Rin nodded even though Mikoshiba couldn’t see him. He looked down and noticed his hands trembling. He clenched them into fists to stop the shaking.
Mikoshiba finally pulled the door open and Rin looked at him with his heart in his throat. He swallowed. “Nitori’s stuff is missing. Did something happen?”
Mikoshiba stepped out of his dorm and pulled the door firmly shut behind him. He folded his arms across his chest and looked at him stoically. “Nitori asked for a different room assignment.”
Rin felt like his heart had plummeted and was already being dissolved in stomach acid. “Why?” he asked, desperately trying to remain calm.
“It’s not my place to answer that,” Mikoshiba replied unemotionally. Rin seriously considered hitting him. “I will say that he overheard something that upset him greatly though.”
Rin had no idea what Nitori could have overheard that was bad enough to make him move to a different room. But he would definitely find out as soon as he found Nitori. “Then what room did he move to? I’ll ask him myself,” he practically growled.
“I’m not gonna tell you that either. Not until Nitori tells me it’s okay,” Mikoshiba told him. “It’s late. Go back to your room before we wake someone else up.” And then he stepped back into his room and shut the door in Rin’s face.
Rin stared at the numbers on Mikoshiba’s door for several long moments before he was able to start moving. He went into his dorm room and shut his own door firmly.
It didn’t take long for the shock of being denied to fade and as soon as it did, he managed to quickly work himself into a frenzy trying to figure out why the captain wouldn’t tell him where Nitori had moved to. How was he supposed to convince him to come back if he couldn’t find him? He didn’t even know what he’d done! How was he supposed to apologize?”
Suddenly, something truly terrifying occurred to him. What if Nitori had heard what Rin told the others? What if he didn’t trust Rin now? He knew he’d been aggressive in the past, but he hadn’t hurt Nitori before and he wasn’t going to start now. It didn’t matter what he wanted, he wasn’t going to take it against Nitori’s will. Everything could have stayed the same. He wasn’t a complete asshole. He wasn’t ever going to hurt Ai. He loved him.
He had to find Ai and explain that to him. If he was still uncomfortable, fine. But Rin deserved a chance to talk about it, to reassure him. He would have to wait until morning practice though. Banging on doors would get him nowhere but detention.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
He looked for Nitori as soon as he entered the locker room and found him trailing after Mikoshiba like an eager little puppy. Mikoshiba seemed more than happy to have him do so. He noted how comfortable they seemed to be with each other and Nitori’s admiring gaze. Jealousy swelled, but he forced it down. This wasn’t about that. This was about getting Nitori to talk to him. But how was he supposed to do that with the captain around?
He waited until the captain was occupied by someone else and moved in. Nitori tensed when Rin said his name. “Yes, Matsuoka-senpai?” he asked quietly.
Rin was disappointed to have been downgraded to his last name, but had to ignore it. “We need to talk.”
“About what?” Nitori replied, feigning ignorance.
Rin didn’t let him get away with that. “About you moving out. I want to know why. I want to understand.” He leaned around to catch Nitori’s eyes. “I don’t want you to move out, Nitori. I want you to stay with me.”
Before he could continue, Nitori shut his locker loudly and stepped back away from him. “Thank you, senpai, but I don’t need you to tell me that.”
Rin instantly knew it was the wrong thing to say. Nitori seemed to consider it a guilt trip. He tried to catch Nitori’s arm but quickly caught himself. That wasn’t a good idea either. If Nitori was truly afraid he would attack him, grabbing him would only enforce that fear. Instead, he tried to keep up without touching or crowding him. “Nitori, I really want to talk about this. Please, just five minutes. If you still don’t want to come back to the dorm, I’ll respect your decision.”
“Is there a problem here?” Rin looked up from staring at Nitori’s cheek. He hadn’t even noticed that Nitori’s path led to the captain. He immediately felt angry. Why would he go to the captain? Did he really scare Nitori that much?
“I don’t want to talk about it, Matsuoka-senpai. And even if I did, I promised to help the captain today,” Nitori told him, still refusing to meet his eyes.
“Leave him alone and go do your stretches, Matsuoka,” the captain ordered firmly.
Rin sneered and stormed away. However, he didn’t go to do his stretches. Instead he went to his locker and pulled out his bag. Angrily, he slammed his locker door and left the room, ignoring the burn of the team’s stares on his back. Consequences be damned, he wasn’t staying for practice.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Nitori watched Rin leave and had to force himself not to follow him. it had been hard to keep away and not slip into habit, but the captain had noticed early on and assured him that, should he needed a distraction so he wouldn’t get sad or start talking to Rin, he was welcome to do some willful transference and treat him like he would his beloved senpai.
He looked up at the captain and sighed. “He’s mad now,” he said needlessly. “He really wants to talk about it. Maybe I should tell him what I overheard. Then he wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.”
Mikoshiba gently gripped his shoulder. “Why don’t you go ahead of everyone and swim a bit? It’ll help you think. Decide what you want to do, you know? You could talk with him, you could write him a note, or I could explain it for you.”
Nitori nodded. No matter what road he took, he was going to have to talk to Rin, and he really didn’t want to. He went to the pool to have a leisurely swim before practice, as suggested. The captain was right, it would be good for him and help clear his mind.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Rin was surprised to find Nitori on the other side of his door later that day. It was after dinner, but Rin hadn’t gone. He hadn’t left the room all Saturday, actually. Nitori seemed to know that, because he had a little Styrofoam container from the food hall in his hands. The younger teen didn’t even wait to be invited in, just slid around Rin and placed the container on Rin’s desk. “It’s not healthy to skip meals,” he chastised gently.
“Nitori, please tell me you're here to talk,” Rin asked, deeply exhausted by the stress and pain of having Nitori avoid and leave him.
“I am,” his ex-roommate replied, nodding. Rin nearly sighed in relief. Nitori pulled the chair out from his desk. Rin pulled his out and they sat facing each other. Nitori took a deep breath and looked down at his hands in his lap. “I overheard what you said to the Iwatobi team.”
Rin nodded solemnly. “I thought you did.”
“I don’t want to make you unhappy anymore, senpai. I admire you greatly. The last thing I want is to upset you,” Nitori confessed earnestly. “I know that moving out is the best action to make sure that neither of us is unhappy.” He fidgeted and continued. “I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think it was for the best. Can you accept that, please?”
“I know you wouldn’t have,” Rin assured him. He used his ankles to move his chair closer to Nitori’s. “But I’m not unhappy, Nitori. Nothing has to change because of this. I’ve lived with it this long and I will live with it forever, if I must.”
That seemed to make Nitori angry. “That’s exactly the problem, Matsuoka-senpai! You’re too nice a person to do anything but “live with it”. No matter how you might act, I know you’re a kind person and you don’t enjoy hurting people. You would never tell me the truth. You just grin and bear it and that’s not fair to you. I appreciate all you’ve done to protect me so far, but I have to end it now. I want you to be happy.”
“It doesn’t matter if you move out, Nitori,” Rin insisted. “My feelings have nothing to do with proximity. They won’t go away because you move out. There’s no point.” Nitori looked disappointed, maybe even a little sad. Rin hated that his affections had made him feel like this. “I understand if that makes you uncomfortable –”
“Of course it does!” Nitori exclaimed. Rin’s throat felt like it was closing up. “How could it not? I don’t want to be hated and I certainly don’t want to be hated by the one I admire most.” Nitori looked like he might cry. “I definitely don’t like know there’s nothing I can do to stop you from hating me.”
Rin was immediately confused. Nitori thought he hated him? But he said that he’d overheard. Maybe he heard the wrong part? Maybe instead of hearing Rin profess his love, Nitori heard something less kind and not enough of it.
“Hating you?” he repeated. “Nitori, what exactly did you hear?”
Nitori sighed and rubbed his arm sadly. “You told the others that I’m annoying and make you miserable. I know you didn’t want to hurt me, but –”
“Nitori, you didn’t hear all of it!” Rin exclaimed, jumping to his feet. “I wasn’t saying that I find you annoying; I was saying that I should.” Rin ran a hand through his hair. He felt so happy, so relieved. He was close to giddy. “Nagisa was talking about my unusual patience with you and I said that, yes, anyone else, I would hate it. I never said I did or do. I never would. I like having you around.”
Nitori’s expression spoke volumes. He obviously wanted to believe him, but he also seemed unable to and extremely vulnerable. “Look, I’ll call Haru and tell him to tell you everything I said, okay?”
The underclassman reluctantly agreed. Rin pulled out his phone and dialed Mako’s number. He knew better than to try Haru’s number, even if he was hoping to get in contact with him. Mako picked up quickly and greeted him by saying, “Hello?” cheerfully.
“Mako, are you with Haru?” Rin asked. Nitori habitually mouthed, “Manners,” at him. In return, Rin habitually ignored him.
“Haru? He’s in the kitchen,” Makoto replied.
“Can you take him the phone? It’s important,” Rin told him. Makoto agreed and Rin tapped his foot impatiently until he heard Haru asked him what he wanted drily. “I need you to tell Nitori everything I said about him yesterday in the changing room. If you don’t, he’s going to leave me.”
Then he sat back down to wait impatiently for Nitori to finish talking to Haru. Nitori turned away and, without being able to see his face, Rin had no idea how he was reacting. Nitori didn’t give him any other cues to read. However, about five or so minutes in, Nitori inhaled sharply and said, “What?” in surprise. Rin saw him sneak a quick glance of his shoulder at him and knew exactly what part Haru was recollecting for him. Nitori turned away again and said, “Rin-senpai said that? Really?”
No matter how Nitori was taking it, Rin was happy to be called Rin instead of Matsuoka.
But he was starting to feel nervous too. What if Nitori didn’t want to come back because of that now? He wouldn’t be able to handle that. But then, at least it would be better than some shit misunderstanding screwing everything up…right?
“Thank you, Nanase-senpai,” Nitori said into the phone. Before he could say goodbye, however, he paused to listen again. Then he shook his head and said, “Don’t worry, that won’t be a problem. I’m going to move back.”
Rin immediately felt the tension seep from his shoulders and he smiled with relief. Nitori said goodbye and hung up. Rin didn’t – couldn’t – wait so he stood up and headed for the door. “Great, that’s settled. Let’s get your things.”
“You don’t waste any time, senpai.” Nevertheless, Nitori followed him. Rin waited eagerly for him to lead them to his new dorm, only to have Nitori pull out his keychain and unlock the captain’s door.
“I’m going to kill him,” Rin grumbled furiously.
“Don’t say that, senpai,” Nitori replied. “He’s bigger than you.”
Rin had to stop himself from voicing the retort that popped into his head. He should probably refrain from being mean until Nitori was moved back into their dorm; even if he was just insulting the captain. Plus, talking about penises might be something to hold off on until he knew exactly what Nitori thought of his affections. Luckily, moving Nitori took all of ten minutes. He hadn’t unpacked beyond what he needed for the day yet. Which wasn’t much, considering it was Saturday.
Rin took most of the boxes while Nitori climbed up to strip his bed and packed up his homework. He opened one up once everything was moved over and ended up glaring at the contents. So of course he had to check the others. Nitori noticed his increase in agitation and came over to see what was causing it. “Senpai?” he questioned when he failed to see what it was.
“How can the boxes be like this when your desk always looks like shit?” Rin asked, narrowing his eyes at Nitori instead of the box’s contents. Nitori giggled. Rin smirked. “You realize that now that I know you can do it, I’m going to expect it.”
“Don’t do that, senpai. I hate organizing,” Nitori whined.
Rin rolled his eyes, but still smiled fondly. He tried to stop himself, really, but still ended up pulling Nitori close for a hug. Nitori didn’t hesitate to hug back and happily clutched at his shirt. “Don’t do that again, okay? If you hear something sad, talk to me before you run off.”
Nitori seemed to melt into him. “I will. I’m sorry, senpai.” Rin moved one hand to cup the back of his head and Nitori moved impossibly close. “I just…sometimes it’s hard to think you could ever like me, even as a friend. I do try not to be annoying, but I know I am. And I’m always scared that you really hate me.”
Rin held him even tighter. “Idiot.”
He could tell that made Nitori smile. He smiled too as he shut his eyes and rested his forehead on Nitori’s head. It didn’t matter that Nitori was smaller, they fit wonderfully. He felt absolutely amazing in Rin’s arms and Rin was going to enjoy it for as long as he could.
Nitori seemed happy to stay there too. Rin was sure the stress had worn on him because he was the same. He was exhausted. He wanted to sleep, but he wanted to stay in their peaceful embrace just as much. “Senpai, I’m sleepy.”
Rin nodded and reluctantly stepped away. Nitori yawned and rubbed at his eyes. Rin’s heart felt like it might burst. He reached over and pushed an errant hair from Nitori’s cheek. “You’d better get your bed together then.”
Nitori nodded and headed up the ladder to his bunk. Rin stowed the Styrofoam container in the mini fridge and climbed into his own bed. He heard Nitori moving around above him and grinned happily. He didn’t like how quiet it was when Nitori wasn’t above him at night. No fabric shuffling, no bed creaking while Nitori tried to get comfortable, and no sweet little, “Good night, Rin-senpai,” to reply to. He hadn’t been able to sleep without Nitori’s soft breathing from above. Now he was more than ready to catch up on the sleep he had missed.
He shut his eyes and started to drift off. Before he could, however, Nitori suddenly whispered, “Senpai?” cautiously. Rin opened his eyes to see what he wanted and found him standing beside his bed in his pajamas. Maybe he had fallen asleep then. Nitori was flushing and shifting from foot to foot nervously. Rin pushed himself up onto his elbows. “Um…You didn’t brush your teeth.”
Rin could tell when Nitori was chickening out on something, but he still swung his legs off the bed and stood up. He narrowed his eyes at Nitori for a moment, waiting for the real reason he had woken him up, but it didn’t come. Nitori just fidgeted some more. Rin rolled his eyes and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Nitori cursed himself for losing his nerve. He had to ask. If he didn’t, they would just go right back to the way things were before. And while he didn’t mind that, he couldn’t do it after finding out that his love was returned. He wanted to be with Rin, and from the way Nanase-senpai had said it, all he had to do was ask.
He listened to Rin brushing his teeth and washing his face in their bathroom and struggled to think of a way to ask without ending up stuttering or panicking. He couldn’t explain the nerves. Nanase wouldn’t lie. Rin did love him back. But then, maybe that was the problem. If he asked, it wasn’t a friend to a friend thing anymore. It was more. And that was more than a little intimidating.
Maybe he shouldn’t ask then. Maybe he should just do.
But what if that made him look stupid or presumptuous? What if Rin found it weird?
He shifted around nervously for another minute before the sound of the tap shutting off forced him to make a decision. He reached up and snagged his pillow, then sat down a little too hard on the edge of his senpai’s bed. He held his pillow tightly to his chest and didn’t look at the bathroom door while Rin came out.
Rin stopped in front of him and raised an eyebrow. “I’m too tired to talk more or whatever.”
“I don’t wanna talk,” Nitori mumbled, hiding his pitifully red cheeks in the pillow’s edge.
Rin sat down beside him. “Then what do you want?”
Nitori forced a deep breath through his nose and out his mouth. Then he lifted his head and looked at Rin resolutely. “Could I sleep with you, senpai?” Rin’s eyes grew at least two sizes, he looked absolutely stunned. Nitori wanted to hide his face again. He knew it was a stupid request and cursed himself for it, but he couldn’t run off now. He had to at least get an answer. To be on the safe side, he clarified, “Just beside you on the bed.”
Rin turned red too and they both looked away shyly. “Okay,” Rin finally choked out. Nitori looked at him again and practically beamed. Rin kept blushing and avoiding his eyes. “But…Well, you have to sleep by the wall.”
“That’s my favorite side,” Nitori assured him with a giggle. How perfect was it that senpai’s side of the bed fit with his? He put his pillow in line with Rin’s and crawled across the bed to lie on it. Rin stood up to turn off the light, then slid under the blankets beside him. Nitori had his back to him, but he was still blushing and feeling more than a little excited. He was so pleased just to sleep beside Rin, it was a little ridiculous.
Rin slid even closer and Nitori held his breath hopefully. Maybe Rin wanted to embrace him? He would love to be Rin’s little spoon if he did. But what was better? Turned towards the wall or turned towards Rin? Which was more intimate? Which said, “I love you and want to be in your arms forever?”
Rin didn’t embrace him, sadly. Instead he moved as close as he could without doing so and Nitori felt his breath on his neck because of it. He was disappointed when Rin didn’t at least put one arm over him.
He gathered his courage and rolled over. In the dark, he couldn’t see Rin’s reaction, but when he put his hand on his shoulder, he could feel his tension. He slid his hand down to Rin’s elbow and gently grasped him. He heard Rin’s breath get harsher. “Nitori?”
“Please call me Ai,” he found himself asking as he pulled Rin’s arm gently to guide it around him. He shuffled closer and put his head onto Rin’s bicep that he had stretched out above the pillows. It felt like his heart might burst, it was beating so hard.
Rin curled his arm around him after Nitori released him and Nitori nearly sighed with relief. Rin’s breath moved to the top of Nitori’s hair and there was a soft, barely there contact between some part of Rin’s skin and Nitori’s. “Thank you, Ai,” he whispered. “I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”
“You don’t have to,” Ai assured him. “I love it too.” I love you too.
But he couldn’t say that. Not until he heard it from Rin’s mouth himself. He just wasn’t confident enough.
Rin’s arms curled even more around him and this time, Nitori could definitely tell it was his lips that touched his forehead. “Can we…” He stopped, swallowed, then said, “Can we do this every night?”
Nitori’s heart stopped for at least two beats before he stuttered out a very overwhelmed and possibly too loud yes before hiding his face in Rin’s shoulder in horror. “No more. I’ll die of embarrassment,” he warned. He heard Rin laugh before his kissed his head again. He couldn’t help but smile. He loved hearing Rin laugh.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Rin thanked every god ever thought of for the chance to sleep with Nitori in his arms and nearly cried when Nitori agreed to do it every night. He wasn’t sure if Nitori’s feelings ran as deep, but he wanted them to. He always had, but now this…this gave him so much hope. All those stupid porn magazines Nitori kept around left him without it, but now he had plenty. What straight male agreed to sleep in their roommate’s arms every night? What straight male asked to share a bed with their roommate to begin with?
His little Nitori, all snug in his arms, was definitely not straight. For more than those reasons too. But Rin was too tired to address the other one. He wanted to sleep. Nitori felt like he did too. Rin would see about the other reason in the morning.
“Goodnight, senpai,” Nitori muttered against his neck sleepily.
It’s certainly shaping up to be. “Goodnight, Ai,” he replied.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Nitori waking up before him wasn’t unusual, but the smell of a hot, possibly greasy, Western breakfast waking him up was. He opened his eyes and rolled over to see Nitori standing by the desks and removing containers from a paper carryout bag. He wondered idly how he had managed to squirm out of his arms and climb over him to get out of bed without waking him. Maybe he was just that tired though.
He sat up and said, “Did you bring enough to share?” eagerly. He wasn’t entirely sure what smells were there, but they were delicious. He was definitely hungry.
Nitori turned around and smiled. “Better. I brought us both our own.” Rin grinned and moved to the edge of the bed to stand. Before he could, however, Nitori cried, “Wait!” and stuck out his hands like he could stop Rin from where he stood. When Rin cocked an eyebrow at him in confusion, he grew nervous. Nitori fidgeted nervously for a few seconds before finally seeming to gain his courage.
He walked steadily over to stand in front of Rin and placed his hands on his shoulders. Then, to Rin’s surprise, he leaned down to press a chaste little kiss to his lips. Rin’s breath caught in his throat and he was left blinking dumbly when Nitori straightened up. His cheeks were bright red, but he didn’t look regretful, just shy. “Good morning, Rin.”
Rin smiled. “Good morning, Ai.”