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In the prime of his youth, Joshua realized he was no longer that boy scared of his own shadow. He was now the reckless force that destroyed people – harsh and unforgiving – in the way that had once been done to him. And it made him feel strong. (It was a false sense of strength but he took it gladly because it was very much unlike what he was used to, and he liked it – liked knowing he had power and could expend it as he please.)
The bed shifts and the body in it rises from between the sheets. “Josh?” the boy’s voice was soft. “Where are you going?”
Joshua has a hand through his shirt and his pants already buckled around his hips. He buttons up the last cuff and turns around. “Home, of course.” Joshua notices the hurt in the young boy’s eyes. “Oh,” he murmured, “Right.”
The elder heads for the door. At the little table by the exit, Joshua places a large manila envelope. It’s bigger than the ones he’s left here before. Minghao’s eyes widen. “Joshua?”
The words no longer feel as bitter as they once did. “Thank you for your time, Hao. I will be going now.”
“My time?” The sheets are rustling loud now and Joshua is aware of feet padding towards him. He sighs. He forgot that this was always the hardest part. Not the nights, mulling over it. No, it’s this moment right here; when they find out he cannot love them but they love him anyway. Minghao’s hands are on his arms, tugging.
“Joshua, what are you saying?” Joshua turns around slowly and eases the younger’s hands away. There is only fear in those large eyes. He could’ve handled it if there was anger, or betrayal. But this boy… was too green. Joshua immediately regrets picking him out from the dozens of others in the crowd that day but he had reminded him too much of himself.
Guilt tears through Joshua the way it never did before. His eyes flicker to the envelope at the table. He suddenly thinks it’s too little even though it was exorbitantly more than he's ever given others. Minghao’s eyes glance to the envelope too. They glaze over with wetness, tears dripping down his cheeks.
“I don’t want your money,” Minghao mumbles through them, “I don’t want anything but for you to stay.”
But that is the one thing Joshua can’t give.
Joshua smiles sadly. He leans in closer and for a moment Minghao lets himself hope. Lets his heart stutter – and there’s the problem. Minghao is in love but Joshua doesn’t know what that means.
“I’ll wire you more tomorrow,” the elder whispers, then he turns around with Minghao’s sobs echoing behind him.