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Busan's dusk had remained unchanged in the two years Jimin had been absent; the sun would set quickly, it's bright colour muted behind heavy clouds, leaving behind a murky deep blue sky. Stars, seen faintly from some parts of the city, and starkly from others, particularly in the mountains were bright, speckled across the dark like freckles across sun kissed arms. What accompanied dusk particularly in mid-January was cool weather, a sudden temperature drop even if the day itself was a little warm; the feeling familiar through blush pink nose tips and cold fingers.
Muttering a bitter '"see you later", Jimin pulled the door to his family home hard behind him, making his way to the dirt trail behind his family home, one that was dusty and bronzed his shoes and ankles a smoky brown, and began his accustomed hike up a small mountain.
Jimin buried his hands further into his hoodie, blocking the cold from seeping into his exposed skin, pushing his legs harder up the dirt trail path to distract himself from the hot welling in his eyes and familiar headache. This one seemed to be a regular visitor in Jimin's head, which would welcome him with throbbing temples and aching eyes.
He thought that Busan, the comforts of home and reminder of his old pre-fame life was enough to revive him. He thought that tasting the spicy flavours of his mother’s cooking which tingled his tongue and warmed his belly, or catching up with his old friends on silly dates that involved overly sweet caramel milkshakes at a local cafe and laughing till their eyes weld shut and tears climbed their way down their faces, or even visiting the peer with his younger brother and stealing salty hot chips off one another while they sat on the boardwalk was enough to motivate him to keep going. But everything seemed to be getting harder to cope with, and even doing such simple pure things were not enough to occupy him from his own thoughts.
Jimin huffed as he reached an area just beyond the rest stop half way up the mountain, his cheeks stung pink from the crisp weather and the physical exertion of the hike. The area behind the stop was matted in green overgrowth, and surprisingly flat, almost like a small plateau that was secluded, allowing for privacy. However, moving closer to the edge, a gap through sprawling trees and bushes allowed just a glimpse of the twinkling lights of the city below.
He breathed out shakily, heavy, like his throat was hot and swollen as he dropped down to the slab of rock where he usually sat. His eyes stung with an all too familiar sensation and before he could stop himself, reason with himself to be strong, hot tears of frustration had already trickled down his face, poorly intercepted by his hands which had now given up concealing his tears and rested limply inside his pockets.
His heart felt like it had died, and buried itself in his stomach. Emptiness had long since filled that cavity in his chest.
And suddenly, without any warning Jimin's breathing harder, faster, his eyes widening at how rapid his breathing's become and he's remembered every stressful moment, every lie he's had to spin which eventually had piled up, and finally toppled over and engulfed him completely.
Because somehow, he's now sobbing loudly, openly, the nonrhythmic sounds swallowed up by the strong breeze upon the mountain.
The stress of not only being an idol, but keeping such a large secret buried within himself was slowly eating away at him.
It's taking its toll. Again.
Being gay. Being gay. Jimin is gay. It's was hard to even whisper the words in his own mind. Even after living in his own body for 21 years it's still bitter in his mind and poison on his lips.
And Jimin thinks amidst the tears, in a last-ditch attempt to coo himself back to sanity, that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he was somewhere else. It's not something he wants, but he could probably cope with it if it wasn't for where he was, who he was.
Wrong place wrong time, right?
But he can't help but feel so defeated, because it's as if it was made impossible for him to ever be anything except adhere to the socially accepted normality of being heterosexual. And he can't help but feel a rise in his stomach and up into his throat of burning righteous anger. He's bitter. So bitter, that something he can't change about himself despite his efforts could affect his career, could affect his loved ones.
And the personal responsibility of keeping such a large secret to himself, to protect himself from the stigma attached by his country, to protect his members' careers, to protect himself from an industry where fanservice was endorsed and sold, but actual homosexuality was tabooed and could mean the end of careers, being outcasted from friends and potentially from his family, being fetishised and gossiped about in the media and in his own community alike.
It would mean a label on his forehead, one that was written in blood.
It's not just hard to deal with anymore, it's frustrating, suffocating, and infuriatingly unfair to the point where Jimin is howling into the dusk of Busan, lungs raw, eyes welled shut, and he feels like he can't ever stop; there's just too much hurt and pain. It's painful enough that he wants to gouge his eyes, wants to dig his fingernails into the skin of his legs and rake them up and down until he bleeds. He wants to distract himself, to stop the perpetual anguish he's unwillingly had to face that comes along hand in hand with the deep dark secret of being homosexual.
"Hyung?"
Jimin's now fully bloomed bitterness doesn't subside as he now realises he's not alone like he previously thought. The voice alone was recognisable enough to Jimin that he didn't need further confirmation as to who was standing parallel to him, at the entrance to the dirt path back down the mountain.
Jimin glances over his shoulder, even though unnecessary. His eyes, red and gleaming under the Busan night, the tear marks down his face glittering. Jihyun. His younger brother shifts uncomfortably from one foot to another under his Hyung’s gaze.
He moves quickly to Jimin's side, but once he arrives his help is deemed useless, unable to do anything but watch Jimin wipe his own tears off his face with the back of his hand shakily before letting a deep breath out, only to leave Jihyun wondering how many times before Jimin had pulled himself together alone.
Jimin, somehow in his distress had noted his brothers own; his dark eyebrows furrowed and drawn down, creases appearing on his forehead, his small mouth down turned into a frown. "Jimin Hyung..." He had finally willed himself to speak and move, his hand had landed gently on Jimin's shoulder, but only placing little pressure as if he was afraid that the shattered pieces of Jimin would puncture his skin.
Jihyun forces himself to swallow a lump in his throat before forcing himself to speak and break the uncomfortable tension between the two brothers.
"I-If somethings wrong, if something happened- you can tell me. Okay? I'm...I'm here for you"
"You're here for me?" Jimin repeats, almost mockingly underneath his broken voice, eyes glazed over with something his own brother can't recognise as he stares into the Busan dusk, into the twinkling lights of the city ahead and below them, not bothering to even look at Jihyun, whose fingers tightened on Jimin's hoodie, already overwhelmed at his out of character emotional outburst.
"Would you still be here for me if you knew something terrible about me?" Jimin's now looking at Jihyun, with watery hooded eyes and a frown, and Jihyun breaks the eye contact for the intensity, and redirects it to his lap.
"Hyung...what are you talking about?" Jihyun tries to infer that Jimin's question is silly, as a reassurance, that he would never leave Jimin, but Jimin dismisses it without a second thought, and shakes his head sadly.
"I'm..." It comes out like a whimper. The edges aced with fear and agony. Jimin's facing the view again, too afraid to look at Jihyun completely. Jihyun watches as Jimin's fingers come out from underneath his jumper and dig deep into the palms of his own hands, sure to leave moon crescent indents behind. It takes everything Jimin has left to speak his next words.
"you know right?...about...me...and other men…" The way his words leave his mouth are cold, like Jimin tasted them and had quickly tried to get rid of them, as if he were trying not to touch them with his mouth. Jimin looks at Jihyun and there's a longingness Jihyun picks up but can't quite place. One that sort of screams of desperation and loneliness.
And truth be told he does know. He's always known. It wasn't a second sense, it wasn't a 'gaydar'. It was just pure and simple observation; of just the way Jimin looked at other boys. How he mentioned he had an unrequited love in high school. How he would never shut up about how handsome Jungkook looked in a suit, or how Namjoon's arms became muscly, how he kept a part of him so very much hidden even from his family.
So Jihyun knows. He does. He loves his only brother, and by default he really couldn't give a shit if Jimin was gay. But for someone like Jimin, who spent his time pleasing others, who was careful with every syllable he spoke and body movement as if not to offend, cared what other people thought of him. So, he doesn't know what to say.
Jihyun finally nods, although it’s a little slow. And Jimin breathes out at Jihyun's reaction angrily, like he's thinking unbelievable, like he can't believe that he let himself be so obvious.
"Jihyunie...I" He's crying now, sobbing loudly again, so loudly that for a moment Jihyun thinks that someone, even as far as down below them in the city could overhear, even if they were on a mountain top.
"Jimin, I'm here, I’m listening" and Jihyun's panicking because he's never seen Jimin so emotional, so miserable nor angry, and this confession...he knows what could come after it. But Jimin is already too far gone, too distraught to function so Jihyun can't do anything more but redirect his sobbing face into his shoulder. His own tears have somehow found their way onto his face even though he doesn’t remember them falling, and he pulls Jimin closer attempting to mimic the way their mother comforted his crying childlike self by rubbing circles on his back.
It takes a while, but Jimin eventually calms down. His now quietness is almost odd, eerily silent for someone who was just howling. Jihyun doesn't let Jimin move his head out from his shoulder. So, they sit in the embrace in silence, the closest they've been physically in years. "You know...I love you. This isn't such a big deal." Jihyun whispers comfortingly, trying to bring Jimin back down to planet earth; but gets no response. Jimin is warm in his arms, but is also ice cold. Jaw locked, tear tracks still visible, eyes hard and unwavering.
And for a moment Jihyun wonders if someone could cry so much that the tears wouldn't stain their face. If someone could scream so much without their vocal cords stretching to a snap, if their lungs wouldn't give out. He wonders how long Jimin has been like this. If Jimin's ever stopped howling.
Jimin can't recognise the boy he's buried into. He's all grown up, and he's similar but so different from Jimin. His front teeth are straight, he's taller and much broader, his right eye isn't swollen like Jimin's own, he's quiet, and rebellious but thoughtful. Thoughtful enough to follow Jimin from their house. Thoughtful enough notice that something was wrong.
"Jimin, Is... there someone you love?" Jihyun blurts it out before he can stop himself, curiosity eating at him. Maybe it was the wrong time and place, but he had to ask, had to know, understand the full depth of Jimin's situation before Jimin would close up again. There's no honorifics attached to the question and Jimin wonders if it's his rebellious nature or their years of separation that derive that decision. Maybe he considers them to be friends, instead of brothers. Jihyun can feel Jimin almost stop breathing in his arms as soon as he finishes speaking, and that's when he notices it. Jimin doesn't own the hoodie he's buried in. But Jihyun recognises it from BTS' most recent Vlive. It's bright blue, so vivid it's almost stark in the night with an image printed on the front.
"Jungkook?" He whispers, carefully, tentatively. Jimin doesn't reply verbally, in fact he never really answers. He pulls back out of the embrace and gives a weak smile, lashes dewy from tears, lips plumb purple and quivering from the cold.
Jihyun's breath quickens, his heart practically beating out of his chest and up into his throat. Because he doesn't know what Jimin means by it, that sad weak smile.
But he doesn't press Jimin any further about him.
"Jimin... let's go inside now. It’s too cold, okay?" Jihyun opts to change the subject quickly but Jimin's still unresponsive. It’s when Jihyun realises its started to snow upon the mountain, light flakes fluttering down from dark heavy clouds above, dissolving into the dirt at their feet as they land.
"I'm not going to leave you here, okay?" He stands up, grabbing Jimin's hand with his own. "Hyung, please, just come inside!"
The utter desperation in his voice must have reached Jimin, because finally he stands up, slowly, on weak legs, numb from being still for so long. "Okay" It's watery and rough, but he's agreed.
Jihyun decides it's best to avoid their parents- who would, despite their love only offer prying eyes and unfiltered comments, so he leads Jimin into a cafe not far from their neighbourhood, it's one of those 24 hours ones- it has to be, considering it was well past midnight now, and orders a coffee for himself and a hot tea for Jimin, who's remained silent and avoided eye contact since they left the mountain.
Jihyun notices that the once vulnerability and anguish in his face is now gone. It's replaced by a familiar mask, an indifferent neutrality, that to others, would only allude them to believe that he's simply cold from the weather. But Jihyun knows better, because Jimin's eyes are still hard and unmoving.
The drinks they've ordered arrive and the tea steams in its cup as Jimin picks it up to sip from it, his lips returned to their normal pastel pink and have stopped quivering. But the last of Jimin's real warmth was now lost, somewhere up on that mountain.
Jihyun knows the tea's done nothing to thaw the ice inside of him.