Work Text:
We started out real strong
Felt like it can't go wrong
Open my eyes, make me see
just felt like destiny
Loki sat there for what seemed like hours. Silent tears streamed down his cheeks. He couldn’t move a muscle, even if he wanted to. Every nerve in his body screamed “Tony”. The god was horrified. Why hadn’t he said anything? Why didn’t he say how much he loved the genius? His fists clenched and he inhaled deeply. A sob wrecked his body and then another. For the first time since he was a child, Loki allowed himself to cry. He wanted to scream and run after Tony. But again, his body wouldn’t move. So he just sat there as the hours went by. The sun sank down, lights went on. Stars glimmered in the dark sky. Every single one reminded Loki of Tony, how his eyes would sparkle with happiness and love while talking to Loki. The moonlight flooded the room. It reminded Loki of Tony’s arc reactor, the silver-blue light which represented Tony’s past and promised his future. The dark vanished and it began to rain. The rain reminded Loki of the days when Tony would just hold him in his arms and they would talk or watch movies. Sometimes they would talk about their past, about their issues and their mistakes. The tears dried long ago, but Loki still didn’t move.
I really must confess
Without you I'm a mess
Even though I live in my dream
All I see is you and me
Tony opened another bottle of scotch. Was it his second? Or is fifth? He didn’t care, not anymore. He felt dizzy and black spots dotted his vision, but the picture of green eyes still didn’t go away. Tony chuckled bitterly and cursed himself again and again. Why did he fall for the one person he never could have? Why was life so cruel? He should be happy. He was free once more and back at the tower. The playboy could go to parties again, hook up some pretty girls and have amazing sex. With an outraged cry he threw the bottle at the opposite wall. It shattered with a satisfying noise. Tony got up and stumbled to the elevator. “Jarvis, give me the address of the next party.”, he slurred. His Al replied with an almost worried “Sir, I don’t think it’s wise…” but Tony cut him off. “Just do it.” Half an hour later(or were it 2 hours?), he stood at a bar and sipped vodka. The dance floor was full of pretty blondes, brunettes and redheads. Tony ignored the black haired girls, because they just reminded him of Loki. He finished his glass and flirted his way through the crowd.
the way you used to look at me I
can't get it out of my head
the way you used to be so free I
just want that all again
Later that night Tony stumbled with a blonde through his bedroom door. The girl(Was her name Patricia? Or Magdalena?) touched him eagerly, her eyes black with lust. They kissed and explored each other’s mouth. Clothes went flying and the blonde(Lea?) chuckled slightly. Tony’s body woke up, but everything he could think of was Loki. The way he would touch Tony like he was some fragile flower who would shatter easily. The way his lips locked with Tony’s and left him breathless. The way their bodies would fit as if they were designed for each other. He felt Loki’s loving touches and his whispered words. The girl dragged him into the bed and they continued their kissing and touching. It felt so wrong. It was heated but too warm; it was satisfying but too shallow. Tony wanted to cry and covered his sob with a moan to which the blonde replied with more kisses. The playboy imagined Loki here with him. He imagined soft hands and wicked smiles. Green eyes looked lovingly up to him. Cold breath caressed his ear and a softly whispered “Tony” sent him over the edge. Tony imagined that the arm which was wrapped around his waist was Loki’s. He buried his nose in blonde hair and pretended it was raven black.
Through everything that I put you through
Just know that I'm sorry and that I'm hurt, too
You run so fast and my dreams just flew
Never thought I'd be that away but who knew?
The sun went down and the world went silent again. Loki moved. He made his way over to the bathroom. A look into the mirror. Blank eyes stared back at him. The once glowing green was dull. On his cheeks were still traces of dried tears. Loki showered and washed his hair with Tony’s shampoo. He wanted to grab a towel, but his hand stopped half-way. Tony’s towels still lied around. They were red with golden patterns. He slowly wrapped one of them around his waist. It reminded him of the times; Tony and he would shower together and wash each other’s hair. He cursed himself for thinking of Tony and went to the bedroom. The god stopped before the bed. He remembered how he would lay down with his genius and hold the other one close. Loki sighed. The pillow still smelled of Tony, the wonderful mix of metal, scotch and just Tony. He wanted to cry again.
After a long time staring into the dark, Loki fell asleep. But his dreams were plagued with a deep laugh, sparkling brown eyes and a blue flow.
The next morning Loki still felt numb. He decided to take a walk, but every few meters something would remind him of Tony. The expensive cars Tony loved to talk about. The smell of coffee filled his lungs and reminded him of comfortable mornings where Tony would drink a cup of coffee and talk to him. His heart began to race and his hands shook. Loki ran into a small alley and leaned against a wall. He tried to calm himself. “Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry” his mind chanted. After he got himself under control the god straightened up and looked around. His breath hitched. Only few streets away stood Stark Tower. His stuttered painfully. Oh how he wanted to run through the lobby to the elevator and up into Tony’s penthouse. But it was too late now, wasn’t it? He had let Tony go. He hadn’t stopped, hadn’t brought himself to say those damned four words which would have persuaded Tony to stay. No, no instead he had hurt the one he loved the most. Sighing, Loki turned around and walked away. He decided to go to the New York Public Library. Books always had calmed him down, regardless of what had happened.
Then my dreams took off and
I spent this time with you
we didn't have a chance 'cause
this is a fight we lose
Tony woke up and stared at a blonde. He froze. Where was Loki? Why was there a strange woman in his bed? Then the memories of the last day came back. The pain settled in his heart again and breathing became a difficult task. He got up and left the girl sleeping. Pepper would throw her out of the tower later. Tony felt guilty. He felt like he cheated on Loki. But they weren’t together anymore, right? So it’s not really cheating. Still, Tony hated the faceless sex of yesterday and wished he hadn’t gone to that party. The inventor entered his lab. And stopped in his tracks. He saw the staff he made for Loki, so he could contain more magic. It was golden with green patterns, matching Loki’s armor. He clenched his fist and made his way over to where the newest suit stood. “Jarvis, bring up the schematics for the Mark 41.”, he said through gritted teeth. “Of course, sir” answered his Al and didn’t comment his tone. Tony drowned himself in work.
For all the pain I caused,
I didn't mean it
Oh, please believe me.
I really mess things up,
Loki settled with “Vintage” from Jane Austen in his favorite corner of the big library. On rainy days he would sometimes come here with Tony. He would sit in this corner and read a novel, meanwhile Tony searched through the science section to search for a book he hadn’t read yet. Needless to say that the genius had read everything. Sometimes Tony would tease him that he should be the god of romantic but Loki would only smile and kiss him softly on the lips. The god sighed. Was there no place in this god-forsaken town what would have no connections with Tony? Unlikely, thought Loki and smiled sadly. He went back to his book and read a quote of the protagonist.
“You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you."
His breath hitched. He read the lines again and again. He closed the book gentle and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, the dullness has vanished and they shone as brightly as before. The god made a decision and stood up. He left the library quickly and ran the streets along to Stark Tower. As he stood before the large tower he steeled himself and breathed in deeply. He went to the elevator. “Jarvis?”, he asked hesitantly. “Yes, Mr. Laufeyson?” came the swift answer. “Where is Tony?”, he asked. “Sir currently works in his lab.” Loki thanked the Al and punched the button for the lab. Soon the elevator doors opened and he entered the lab. Loki discovered Tony who worked with his back to him. Next to the inventor stood several bottles of alcohol and Loki felt another sting of pain. Maybe he shouldn’t have come. Maybe Tony’s life would have been better without Loki. But leaving was not possible without Tony seeing him. So the god inhaled deeply and called a soft “Tony”. His voice cracked and betrayed his indifference. Loki watched as the genius went rigid.
Will you forgive
me
Will you forgive me?
Or are you happy?
Tony felt his body stiffen at the voice. He turned around and gripped the edges of his work bench tightly. There stood Loki. His god, his lover, his love. The one who he left because he thought his feelings were unrequited. Tony wanted to growl at the god, demand to know what the god wanted now. But he only managed a weak “Loki?”. The trickster looked unsure and took a step forward. He cleared his throat and looked Tony into the eyes. The inventor saw raw pain and angst. His heart clenched. “I wanted to apologize”, the god began and his voice cracked again. “I, I don’t know how to say this. I’m so sorry…for everything. It’s not easy for me to speak the truth. I open my mouth and twist the words of others for my benefit. I open my mouth and lie. I, I’m not good at talking feelings. But I wanted to say that I love you too.” Tony’s breath hitched, but Loki wasn’t finished. “I’m sorry for what I put you through. I never wanted to hurt you, you mean so much to me. You saved me too, Tony. With you I began to see the light and the good things, I left the darkness behind. And I don’t want to lose you. I mean, I understand that you want nothing from me anymore, but..” He searched for the right words. Tony gaped at him with his mouth slightly open. Loki panicked. Had he said something wrong? Had he offended the man or hurt him again? He wanted to apologize again, but the genius smiled softly at him and closed the gap between them. He wrapped his arms around the god and hugged him tightly. “Never, never ever leave me again.” Loki heard the genius whisper. He tightened his grip and murmured a broken “Never again.” Then Tony kissed him and the world went bright again. Colors washed away the grey. The kiss was gentle but left them breathless nevertheless. Tony looked at him with sparkling eyes. And just like that, Loki’s world was whole again.