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The anniversary of his father's death was still a hard time for Neil, even four years on. It was a little easier to bear this time around, without having to look after his team while dealing with his own problems, with Andrew there to stay with him and keep him in the room. It was so much easier to slip away into the past when Andrew wasn't around, and Neil was incredibly grateful that he stuck with him.
Both men had been quiet all day, Neil allowing Andrew to take care of him. He had curled up on the couch to watch Andrew make dinner earlier, though he couldn't remember what it had been now, and they had eaten quietly with Neil tucked into Andrew's side. By the time they finished eating, Neil was feeling- not better, but there, and incredibly thankful that Andrew was with him.
Now, they had returned to bed, a place they spent a lot of time on bad days. It was the biggest size they could buy in case of days when they needed so be comfortably apart, and if things bad for Andrew- which happened less and less, these days- there was even a spare room down the hall which they kept any (rare) visitors away from.
Today, however, Neil found he needed all the physical comfort and contact he could glean from the older man, and so they lay almost on top of each other, Neil with his head on Andrew's chest and his hand lightly on his stomach. Andrew's arms wrapped around his shoulders and over his waist, keeping him anchored to the present with strong limbs and slow strokes by tender fingers along Neil's spine.
Neil is breathing in time with the rise and fall of Andrew's chest, Andrew realises as he bends his neck unattractively to check over Neil's expression. His abs tense briefly when Neil begins to trace light patterns over Andrew's belly, an infinitesimal shudder due to surprise and the slight tickling of it. He relaxed as quickly as it came, watching Neil's face soften as he began to drift into a half-sleep state.
Andrew was aware that Neil hadn't had a proper night's sleep in a few nights now, which was a step back but one that wasn't unanticipated. Neil was rarely tormented like today anymore; Andrew was sure it was a matter of coping with the memories in a much more healthy way nowadays. It had taken years, but Neil was eventually convinced to visit Bee once a month for his final two years at Palmetto. He didn't have Bee anymore now that he'd left, but talking had clearly had a lasting positive effect on Neil's mental health.
It was Neil's patterns changing that pulled Andrew from his thoughts. What had been a zigzag evolving into a wave suddenly became circular, and then-
And then Neil was tracing a heart into Andrew's abs, over and over.
Andrew tilts an eyebrow at the man, knowing Neil probably doesn't realise he's doing this. He huffs out breath through his nose in a shadow of a laugh, but such an action causes his stomach to jump with the compression and Neil's eyes snap open.
"Did you just-"
Andrew looked at him.
"Did you just fucking laugh at me?"
Andrew shrugged. "Not what I'd call laughing."
"You fucking did!" Neil looked affronted: he'd been trying helplessly to make Andrew laugh for getting on three years, ever since Nicky had branded them the least happy couple I've ever seen, honestly. He had begun to think there was nothing he could ever do to make it happen.
"I can't believe you." Neil shook his head as much as possible while it's pressed against Andrew, and sighed in frustration. "What was I doing? Must have been hilarious."
"Drawing hearts on me."
Neil's eyes widened a little, though they had been half closed before so it was more like opening them. Andrew watched as a hint of a blush crawled up the man's cheeks: they hadn't said the words to each other, still- another thing Nicky complained about, much to Andrew's annoyance- and Neil felt as if even this was perhaps crossing that line.
Then again. Andrew had been amused, not angry, not hurt, he wasn't pushing Neil off. This was the wrong day to say the words, Neil knew that, and he thought it even as they tumbled from his lips.
Neil looked away, first to Andrew's mouth, then to the pillow, and then rolled off the man and sat up, ready to leave when Andrew didn't reply for going on a minute.
"Yeah."
Neil's head snapped back around to Andrew, and he froze where he was crawling over the bed. He waited, unsure, for another minute or so, watching how Andrew's face changed from slight surprise to something Neil had only seen before in fleeting moments.
Andrew took a breath, opened his mouth, and let it go again. He got what he needed out on the fourth try. "Me too."
Andrew couldn't say that Neil's eyes lit up, because they had been so dull before- dull with the memories of four years ago, dull with the assumption that Andrew would not return the words, dull with tiredness and with shame. But Neil looked alive, and Andrew had caused that.
"Get back here, Josten."
They settled back in the same position as before, Neil craning up to kiss the underside of Andrew's jaw before settling. The silence was comfortable for minutes, and then for hours.
And then, when the light seeping out from the closed curtain began to peter off, and Neil was drowsy and ready to fall completely into unconsciousness, Andrew took a sharp breath. He held it for as long as he could, forcing the words into the very oxygen he held in his lungs.
And when he breathed the air back out, over Neil's hair and cheek, he spoke the words along with it, just to make sure Neil understood.