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There’s a castle in the clear blue sky. A big castle made out of clouds. Nagisa tilts his head as it slowly dissolves, with its round windows expanding and its shaky roof floating off, before it fully turns into wispy tufts of nothing. If he squints, one of these feathery smears looks a bit like a fading butterfly.
Nagisa steps away from the window and out of the wide beam of sunlight. He watches the glittering swirls of dust slowly dancing in his place, before he glances over his shoulder at the man sitting at the other end of the cramped office. He’s turned away and bent over his desk, absorbed in a stack of handwritten papers. Nagisa remains by the window for a little while longer, his hands behind his back and his head still slightly tilted.
His Rei-chan is old.
Well – it’s not like he’s crooked or has trouble hearing or anything, but he’s older, in his mid-forties or so. Nagisa has been here many times before, probably asked him about his age just as many times as well, but he never remembers those particular details. All he knows is that in the future, Rei teaches physics in university, that there are faint silver streaks in his dark hair, that the red frame of his glasses is gone, and that he is still beautiful. The rest of the story is somewhat vague, like everything in the future is expected to be. Nagisa isn’t even sure if he’s actually a part of his life anymore, or if his current twenty-year old self is the only version of him that Rei is in touch with.
He quietly walks over and hops up on his desk, kicking his legs as he watches him grade his students’ essays on things he doesn’t understand and never will. Then he reaches out and gently caresses his cheek, enjoying the fluttering feeling that arises in his chest when Rei leans into his touch, his eyes closing for a moment and a small smile pulling at his lip. He doesn’t look away from his work however, and his red pen never leaves the surface of the paper. He just pauses in whatever comment he was making, and then he resumes, like nothing happened. It’s like he stopped time, very briefly, to make room for him – or so Nagisa likes to think.
Nagisa calls him “Ryugazaki-sensei” for fun, and occasionally “Rei-chan” for old times’ sake, and he used to try and make it sound like something flirty and suggestive, but Rei doesn’t really take much notice of it, not anymore. This Rei doesn’t get easily flustered, like the younger version of him definitely would. Nagisa is pretty sure he has never seen him blush or heard him stutter in response to his advances, and after a while he simply stopped trying. It looks like it takes more than a cute boy in his early twenties to throw him off his calculations.
In a way, Nagisa is more relieved about this than he is bothered. After all, there are many good-looking students on campus and the staff averages at sixty plus. Rei-chan is a catch.
**
He really loves Rei when he’s fifteen. He loves him so very much. It’s not that he doesn’t love every single version of him, in every single past, present or future slice of time, but this is most definitely his favorite Rei. Nagisa doesn’t know exactly why, although he supposes it’s because he doesn’t want to fully let go of that soaring feeling in his chest, that endless pit in his stomach that’s filled with a thousand wild butterflies, that unbearable surge of first love.
Nagisa watches from a safe distance as a slightly younger version of himself clings shamelessly to Rei’s arm, his face open in a bright smile as he mindlessly chatters about something pointless. Nagisa can’t hear what he’s saying, can’t really remember what he ever told Rei at any point in their high school careers, but it’s probably about something mundane, like strawberries or penguins or swimming or whatever, and Rei looks deeply flustered by the sixth time he reaches up to adjust his glasses.
You’re an idiot, Hazuki, Nagisa thinks.
He kind of wants to step out of the shadows and slap his younger self in the face, mostly because he’s too brash, too direct, too chatty and too obviously lacking a sense of finesse in his interactions. At the same time this version of himself is still any other ordinary teenager in love, and Nagisa wishes he could keep it that way.
He wonders if it’s selfish, somehow, the fact that he’s here reveling in the untroubled past instead of being in the present, where he’s supposed to be. Rei is there waiting for him, after all. Then again, skipping time is not some supernatural power that was magically bestowed upon him at one point in his life. It just appeared one day, out of nowhere, like it was a natural part of growing up. He never asked for it and he would have turned it down if he’d had a choice. It’s painful when it happens. Usually he’ll find himself on the ground somewhere, most of the time in a nearby field or forest or backyard. Usually he’ll be coughing and gasping for air. There’s nothing fun about it at all and he has no idea what he did to deserve it. He can’t control this anymore than he can control his own heartbeat.
And right now, his heart is slowly breaking. He doesn’t have this connection with Rei anymore. He’s not even sure if Rei has ever looked at him like that ever since they started college, as though his entire world is condensed into that one annoying person hanging onto his arm. He’s just his boyfriend, kind of. In the future, he probably won’t be anymore. Not at this rate.
Nagisa kicks absently at the ground and retreats further into the shadows, hoping he’ll be transported out of this particular time soon so he won’t have to watch. This is his favorite Rei and his favorite time, but he misses it far too much.
**
“I can’t stay, Rei-chan.”
He’s lingering a little awkwardly by the door leading into Rei’s small apartment and he feels as though he’ll shrink into nothing if he takes another step. There’s some mental claustrophobia going on in his head right now and he knows it’s only a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds, before the world starts spinning and the whirlwind catches him again. He hasn’t even taken his shoes off because what’s even the point anymore. He’s always on the move.
Rei freezes in the process of shrugging his jacket off and Nagisa dreads the moment when he’s going to turn around, dreads the look he knows will be on his face, that look of wonder and worry and utter disappointment. Suddenly he remembers every single one of the dumb things he used to think about Rei in high school – that he probably didn’t have any friends before he joined the swim club, that he probably tried to live up to his older brother, that he was probably a virgin. It’s not that Nagisa was wrong on those points, but it didn’t occur to him that he never was any better himself.
He looks up and Rei is standing there with his jacket in his hands and that sad-worried-disappointed expression on his face, like Nagisa expected and dreaded.
“But you are,” he eventually says hesitantly, a lingering tone of ‘not again’ evident in his voice. “You are staying – right?”
The surroundings are loud in Nagisa’s ears as he slowly shakes his head, as though the present is trying to outrun whatever it is that’s rushing through his chest, whatever it is that’s chasing him down, and really, all he wants to do is cry. He doesn’t want to leave but he will have to, he will have to turn around soon and run as far down the street as he can before he vanishes, before time erases him only to roughly sketch him in another place. He really hopes it’s the future and not the past. It’s the future he thinks about and worries about the most. He feels the need to check, from time to time, that Rei is there, because in the present, he’s slipping away.
Rei stares at him for a moment, visibly confused. Upset. Even a little annoyed. Nagisa can’t really tell with tears in his eyes. Rei neatly hangs his jacket up and steps forward, and Nagisa flinches a little when his hand clamps down on his wrist, almost painfully tight.
“You are staying,” Rei repeats, although this time it’s more a command than a request.
“I can’t,” Nagisa replies, his voice caught somewhere between a whisper and a whine, and his hand is clenching and unclenching, grabbing onto thin air. “I really have to go, Rei-chan –”
“You don’t. You don’t have anywhere you’re supposed to be right now. You have no classes, no work. You don’t have to go.”
“Yes, I do.”
Rei just responds by pulling him all the way through the open door and against him, holding him close. “No – you don’t,” he insists, muttering into his hair as if that’s final. “You don’t have to keep leaving all the time without telling me why.”
Nagisa clutches the front of his shirt, knowing that Rei doesn’t know a bit of what’s going on but he still respects that, even though he’s clearly suspicious. He’s as unyielding as ever, always there but never asking, because he for some reason feels like he doesn’t have the right to. This is his way of telling him he’s had enough and Nagisa feels awful. He feels so cruel and pathetic for crying into his boyfriend’s shoulder because he knows this will worry him unnecessarily. He feels bad because he should tell him everything, just get it all out there, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t even know what’s worse: Rei shunning him because he believes in his ridiculous story, or Rei laughing at him because he doesn’t. So instead he just cries like there’s something seriously wrong with him, and quite frankly, there is.
Rei’s hold on him is firm, firm and strong and warm, like he’s trying to physically restrain him. Nagisa only clings tighter, tries to tuck himself away and hide in his embrace even though he should be pushing him away. And he remains like that, completely still while trying to synch his breathing with Rei’s until the imagined noise in his head slowly succumbs.
Nagisa doesn’t know how it happens, whether it’s Rei’s insistent presence or a personal change of heart, but for once he’s still in the same place, so naturally he stays, like Rei wanted. It’s like a wonderful spell, and it lasts through the evening and through the night, only to break when morning comes. Nagisa vanishes while he’s on his way to the bathroom and the experience is ten times worse than it usually is, as though it’s been building up inside of him, just waiting to catch him off guard. For a second he’s afraid he’s going to be flung out of space and time all together, never to be able to return again.
Luckily he ends up in the same familiar future, miserable and sick to the core, so sick he only watches the school Rei works at from a distance. He stays hidden until nightfall, which is the longest he’s ever been trapped in one particular time. Time appears to be dragging itself out, like it’s a punishment, and when he finally finds himself reigned in and pulled back home, he’s barely even conscious.
**
Nagisa tilts his head at the messy blackboard in front of him, listening to the faint chatter of the students enjoying their free time between classes. Lately he’s been interacting more and more with the future Rei than the Rei left behind in the present. Things have been tense between them ever since that morning when he just disappeared, and even though Nagisa couldn’t help it, Rei doesn’t know that. Actually, it seems like he more or less has had enough of him. Nagisa has a feeling he’s going to call it quits soon. He absently curls a lock of hair around his finger while numbers and letters of chalk float in and out of focus. He doesn’t quite know why he keeps coming back to the future, but he supposes there’s something reassuring about a Rei that is older and calmer and seemingly in control of everything. He wishes he could stay here instead, hanging around the older man’s office forever, just watching him work. He wouldn’t mind.
“I think I’m lost, Sensei,” Nagisa says at last, talking to the blackboard.
Rei smiles at his book and says, “Physics was never your thing, was it, Nagisa-kun?”
Nagisa has to laugh at that, because this is most certainly true. “Well, no. But I mean… I’m lost. In time.”
There’s a soft rustle of paper, the slow turn of a page, followed by a moment of silence. Nagisa doesn’t turn around. He just keeps his eyes trained on the meaningless formulas on the blackboard, not really knowing what to say next so he hopes Rei comes up with something.
“Why do you think that?”
Nagisa shrugs one shoulder. “I’m just not sure where I belong anymore.”
There’s another moment of silence, before the scraping sound of a chair against the floor. A couple of seconds pass by before Nagisa feels Rei’s presence next to him, tall and warm and safe.
“Don’t you ever wonder if an older version of you exists in this time?”
Nagisa must admit he’s a little surprised by that question. He’s even more surprised when he realizes that no, he hasn’t really been curios about that. He’s always been all about Rei. He turns around with the attempt of a cocky, suggestive smirk on his face, although he knows the older man probably won’t fall for it.
“Why? Do you want to gather all versions of me so you can study us more closely?”
Rei just smiles back at him. “Well, that sounds tempting and I wish I could, but I don’t think that’s possible. I do believe there’s something logical hiding at the bottom of this though,” he adds thoughtfully. “Any idea what I’m thinking of?”
Nagisa rubs his neck and smiles sheepishly. “Eh, I was never really that bright…”
“Nonsense. I know just how bright you can be once you apply yourself.”
When Nagisa shrugs helplessly, at a loss of plausible suggestions, Rei sighs and gives his glasses an impatient push. It’s a gesture that has remained the same after all these years, and Nagisa could have sworn he saw a glimpse of Rei’s inner teenager briefly shine through.
“I’m a physicist. What you can do is actually a goldmine to me. Ideally, I should lock you up for research purposes. However, while I was shocked when you first appeared, so shocked I almost had a heart attack, I was never all that surprised. Do you know why I wasn’t?”
“Ummm… Because… you’re Rei-chan?” Nagisa attempts.
“Because I knew you’d eventually show up,” Rei says intently. “When we were both young, you told me about this. You told me you had seen me in the future.” His face breaks into a smile. “I was always waiting for this to happen.”
Nagisa stares at him, just stares and stares until his words slowly start making sense, until they’re stuck in a loop and repeating, like an echo, in his head. “So… you know everything now because I told you? But…I haven’t told you anything. You don’t know.”
“That’s because you’re going to tell me. I’m reminding you right now that you have to tell me what’s going on. And don’t worry about it, because I’m going to believe you.”
Nagisa simply doesn’t know what to say to that. He takes a step back and leans against the desk behind him. His emotions are a mess and his heart is beating so hard he can hardly hear himself think, but it’s like he’s been waiting for this moment all his life. It feels like the world has been lifted off his shoulders and it has left him lightheaded. He closes his eyes and hides his face in his hands. He can’t believe it’s all falling into place. He can’t believe it took him so long to realize.
“I didn’t see the connection,” he mutters as he feels Rei’s arms wrap him into an embrace. “I’m sorry.”
“Isn’t that what I’m here for though?” Rei asks quietly, whispering into his hair like he always does when holding him close. “To see the connections?”
“You could have told me earlier.”
Rei just chuckles and hugs him tighter. “All in due time.” He’s quiet for a little while. When he speaks again his voice is shaking slightly. “At this point, I have known you for nearly thirty years, Nagisa. Moreover, I have loved you for nearly thirty years. So there’s really no need for you to be here when you are meant to be elsewhere. I can assure you that both you and I are just fine.”
He pulls back to look at him and now he’s grinning widely, his purple eyes gleaming. “Especially since you’re in this very building. Department of History. You can go and see for yourself if you want.”
Mere seconds later, Nagisa is sprinting down the hall with his heart in his throat and his cheeks burning red. He turns the corner, dangerously close to crashing into a group of students, before he abruptly slows down when he reaches a corridor of offices. He hesitates, feeling somewhat reluctant, but he passes one door after the other, nearly tip-toeing his way past them. Once he’s halfway he stops, staring breathlessly.
Hazuki Nagisa, reads the small plaque next to the door. Lecturer.
He carefully reaches out and brushes his fingers over the cold silver, tracing the letters while muttering his own name and title under his breath over and over again. So this is where he is. He’s been with Rei all this time. Everything turned out fine. They made it.
There’s movement behind the door and Nagisa quickly slips around the next corner before the older version of himself appears. He doesn’t want them to meet or be seen by each other. That’s not what he cares about. He can feel himself drift away, gently this time, and he tilts his head back against the cold tiles and smiles. After all, he’s always been all about Rei.
**
When he gets home, he finds Rei asleep. His glasses are askew and an open book is resting on his chest. Nagisa crawls into bed with him, carefully picking his glasses off and setting them aside. Rei wakes up when he tries to pry the book out of his hands.
“Nagisa-kun…?” he mutters groggily, his voice thick with sleep. “You’re home?”
“Yeah.” Nagisa curls up next to him. “Sorry for making you wait.”
He hesitantly considers the situation, wondering if his stay is even welcome, but Rei is dozing off again and doesn’t seem to mind that he’s there. Nagisa takes it as an open invitation to snake his arm around his waist and cuddle closer. He closes his eyes and quietly breathes in the familiar scent of him, allowing himself to become one with Rei’s steady breathing and warm presence.
“Hey, Rei-chan?” he finally whispers, nudging him to check if he’s still awake.
“Mmm? What is it?”
Nagisa grins as a handful of excited butterflies come to life in his chest.
“You wanna know something cool?”