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If there was one thing Silver hated, it was weak people. Also vending machines that just eat your money. But mostly weak people. Like the entirety of Team Rocket. And Giovanni, who was pretty much the worst evil father ever and sucked just as much as the rest of Team Rocket did.
Or like that guy with the shorts and the stupid baseball cap — like some Red fanboy — he kept running into. Okay, so maybe he had somehow managed to hand Silver his ass at every turn, but. He was also always talking to his mommy on the phone. Definitely a baby and weakling. Twelve years old was way too old to still have parents who love you and stuff. Silver was way too cool for that.
But at the moment, Silver wasn’t worried about any of those morons. He was too busy staring at the back of this cape-wearing idiot. This Lance. Lance was such a soap opera name. The fact that he had actually lost to this weirdo who preached sentimentalism and thought it was normal to walk around wearing a cape in broad daylight was beginning to make him rethink his life choices. Which is to say, he was determined to spy on the dragon master until he learned the secret to his freakish strength.
Yeah, that was it. Silver was only following him to learn his secret. He definitely, totally wasn’t following him because Lance looked eerily familiar. In fact, he almost looked like . . . No, never mind. Anyway.
Over the next two hours, Lance stopped into a convenience store to buy about twenty boxes of poffins — well, dragons must eat a lot — stood on a pier looking out dramatically at the sea, rescued a litter of newly hatched Meowths from a house fire, and then, finally, collapsed on a park bench in paroxysms of laughter.
“Okay, you can come out now.”
Silver scuttled out glumly from behind a tree. Damn it.
The two stared at each other. Lance, Silver thought, had a stupid face. A stupid, really kinda familiar looking face. And the exact same color of hair as Silver did . . . .
“Wh-who are you?” Silver demanded.
Lance coughed. “You can call me Lance the dragon trainer! You know that dragons are mythical Pokémon! They’re hard to catch and raise, but their powers are sup — ”
He narrowly dodged Silver’s fist.
“No, I mean, who are you?”
Lance pondered this for a moment. “I see Giovanni never told you about me.”
Silver stared at him. At him and his stupid face. His stupid, very, very familiar face. Oh, Arceus. Was it possible — ?
“You . . . you’re my brother, aren’t you?” he stammered. Okay, so Lance was a pathetic bleeding heart. On the other hand, if they were brothers, it would at least prove that apparently none of Giovanni’s children liked him very much. Which would be kind of validating, actually.
Lance stared at him. “Your . . . brother? Silver, how old do I look to you?”
“Er . . . ” Silver squinted. “Uh, it’s kinda hard to tell, actually. I mean, the art style is pretty ambiguous. You could basically be anywhere from 18 to 40. Like, how old am I, even? Am I supposed to be, like, twelve years old? Am I seriously already breaking into houses and robbing random dudes at twelve?”
Shit. Silver hated it when he had these kinds of thoughts. He didn’t think very often, but whenever he did, he found things that were pretty fucked up. “So basically, I’m a statistic. By the time I’m eighteen I’ll probably have murdered some dude over a bucket of chicken wings or something. Or, or what if I’m not eleven? Like, maybe I could even be as old as seventeen. So I’m seventeen, and everyone ships me with all the kid characters. Like, Pikablu on a poffin, what the hell am I?”
Lance sighed in an absolutely exasperated way. “No. Look, let’s not worry about that right now. No, Silver, I’m way too old to be your brother.”
He remained silent for a long time, and then, after a few moments, he placed both hands on Silver’s shoulders and said, “Okay. This may, ah, be difficult for you to hear, but. Silver, I am your . . . your . . . ”
“Oh Arceus, just spit it out already.”
“I am your mother.”
Silver opened his mouth. No sounds were coming out of it.
Silver closed his mouth.
“But how did you . . . ?” asked Silver, thus becoming the first child in the history of the world to ask one of his parents about the details of his conception.
“Well, it involved the Lake of Rage, which by the way is absolutely stunning in the moonlight. And a bunch of your father’s underlings trapped in a well. And these really amazing jello shots. And, well, your father is really extremely handsome in the right light, especially when he’s all flustered and a Dratini is trying to eat his jacket.”
“No, but I mean, how did you . . . ?”
Lance gave him an alarmed look. “It didn’t surprise me that Giovanni never told you about me, but this is beyond the pale. Okay. Um. You’re at an age now where I’m sure you’ve noticed your body is changing — ”
He broke off abruptly as he dodged Silver’s fist. Again.
“How fucking stupid do you think I am?! Of course I know that sex makes babies, La — Mo — you weirdo. What I want to know is, how the hell does buttsex make babies?”
Lance sighed. “All right, I shall tell you my bitter story. Let this be a cautionary tale to you. As you may know, I have an illegal Dragonite. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, right? A Dragonite that knows Barrier? I didn’t think it mattered. I thought, I’m an NPC; it doesn’t matter if I’m unrealistic as long as I pose a challenge.
“But, Silver, it’s a slippery slope. The power goes to your head. One moment you’re teaching your Pokémon moves they’re not able to learn, and then the next you’re bearing children without possessing the proper genitalia to do so. A slippery, slippery slope.”
“Anyway, I’m sorry I haven’t really been around. Well, I’m sure you know how it goes. It never would have worked out between your father and I.”
It was later. Lance and Silver had somehow ended up in a dingy little diner in Mahogany Town. They were currently the only customers in the diner, probably because Dragonite had decided to sit right in front of the door. Silver wondered what the would-be late-night customers who walked by thought about the fact that the entire doorway was filled with dragon ass.
“Yeah, I guess it would kinda screw things up, what with him being a mafioso and you being . . . some dude who arbitrarily decided to fight the mafia and all.”
Lance pondered this for a moment. “You know, I’d never even thought of that before. But you’re right. It’s nice to have such a clever son.”
Silver coughed awkwardly for what felt like the eightieth time that night. Lance’s illegal Dragonite made a disturbing glup! noise as it swallowed a plate. Silver had decided he had to keep an eye on that thing. He wasn’t sure how he felt about the fact that the ostensible cause of his existence was a giant banana yellow dragon that apparently ate plates. Then again, he wasn’t sure how he felt about any of the things that were going on right now.
“So, uh, if that whole being enemies thing wasn’t what split you up . . . ?”
“Look, I’m a dragon trainer, Silver. As you know, dragons are mythical Pokémon — never mind. Anyway, they’re freakishly strong. Now, Giovanni used to run the last gym in Kanto. You know, supposedly the strongest gym and all that. And he used ground-types. Ground, Silver. I ask you. I mean, it’s weak to water, which only happens to be the single most common type in the world. Anyone who’s gotten to that gym already has something in their team that can wipe the floor with him. The only reason he likes to threaten to send people to sleep with the fishes is because he thinks fishes are the scariest thing ever.”
Lance sighed sadly and then continued, “I don’t like to say things like this, you know? I like to think of myself as a compassionate person. But Silver? I just couldn’t get over the fact that he’s so . . . so . . . pathetic and weak.”
Silver poured himself another cup of coffee and considered this.
Maybe this whole having a mom thing was actually kind of awesome after all.
“Er, you know, if you want to do mother-son things sometime. Like, maybe I could save your money for you, and then call you at random intervals to tell you how much of your money I’ve saved?”
Silver stared. In a night of unbelievable things, this was the most unbelievable yet.
He felt his throat tighten with emotion.
“Y-you would do that for me? Mom, you’re the best.”