Chapter Text
Sometimes life brings you surprising connections that change your life in ways you wouldn't have expected. This is how Sarah thinks about her meeting with the mysterious Nathan and his friend Duke. Those meetings lead her to the Teagues, to all the people she's been able to help and befriend in Haven.
It also lead her to kill a man, who she still thinks about sometimes. She wishes she wasn't still so confused about what is really going on in Haven. Maybe then she could understand why that had to happen.
But most importantly, meeting Nathan, *being* with Nathan lead to the most important person in her life. James. He's three days old, still so small, so fragile. The love she feels for him has felt overwhelming ever since she realized he existed. Her time with Nathan, James' father, was brief but wonderful. She probably shouldn't have ended up like this, she's a nurse after all, but she doesn't regret it.
Her pregnancy kept her connected to *herself*, even when she found out about the real Sarah Vernon, about the women she's been, Patricia and Veronica and who knows who else. The kicks in her stomach meant she was *real*, she was *here* and she existed and mattered. Nathan had felt her and touched her and told her she was incredible. *She* mattered.
And now the long wait is over and she is holding her beautiful sleeping baby boy in her arms. She wishes she had a picture of Nathan, something to give James from his father if he ever asks. If they ever will meet again. Because Sarah already knows she can't keep him. She can't stay. She doesn't know how or why she will go but she knows she will have to.
As she holds her son on her chest, kissing his tiny forehead, she wonders whether James will inherit his father's Trouble. Nathan never said what his Trouble was (is?), but given his reactions, his behavior, she has her suspicions. She knows of the Hansens.
She's not sure how long she should keep James. Her time is running out, and the longer she keeps him, the longer she loves him, the harder it will be. She wishes she could be a mother to James. But she needs to do the right thing for James. Also for Haven.
The Troubles are getting worse, and she is needed more than ever. She's not meant for motherhood, clearly. She has a very different role to play.
She breaths in the scent of her son, thinks of his father and whispers in his ear while stroking his soft hair, "Don't worry, James. I will find you the best parents. They will love you, the way we weren't allowed to. But me and your father, we would've loved you so much. I always will. And if he ever finds out about you, I know he would love you too. You deserve to have that, James. I promise to give that to you, make sure you get it. "
***
She will have to find his adoptive parents herself. She knows the Teagues would help, but she doesn't want anyone in Haven to really know where James will end up. It's made more complicated by the worry that he might end up Troubled. The people who will raise him will need to understand Haven and everything it entails.
She starts listening to various rumors around Troubled people. It's not long until she hears about the Cogans, about their wish to start a safe house for Troubled people in Colorado. She likes the idea of that. She befriends June, and explains her situation to her. June is sympathetic, she tells Sarah of how hard she and Paul have tried to have children. Neither one of them at first acknowledges the subtext of their conversations. The topic is too painful for both of them.
James is 2 weeks old when they broach the subject. Sarah invited June for coffee. June hasn't been able to take her eyes away from James. Sarah knows the feeling. For now, she only handles the most pressing Troubled cases. She wants all the time with James she can have. But she knows that she is quickly running out of time.
"June, you do know who I am, what I do for this town?"
"Yes, I do."
"Then you realize... that as much I love James... I can't keep him.
"I have thought of that."
"His father is Troubled. I'm... not quite sure what *I* am but I need to people who raise him to understand Haven and the Troubles."
"Paul and I, we're prepared to raise him and live him as our own. Explain what we can once he's old enough. I promise to take care of your son, Sarah, I promise."
Sarah nods silently. "I trust no one knows about this except you and your husband?" June nods. "When do you leave for Colorado?"
"Just under 2 weeks. In 13 days."
Sarah gasps at that. She will only have 27 days with her son. All the love she wants to give him, she has to do it in 13 days. She never has enough time.
But she turns to June again who is again looking at James so longingly. This is the most loving thing she can do for him.
"Alright. James will come with you to Colorado. You and Paul can take him before you leave."
Do you want to come with us? To properly say goodbye?"
Sarah looks at her sleeping son. She wants to hold on to him for as long as possible. But it wouldn't be safe. No one can know where James ends up in. She shakes her head at June.
"It's safer for him overall if I don't." Sarah pauses for a moment. She needs to get used to this. "Do you wanna hold him?"
June's face lights up. "Of course!"
Sarah gives James to June and nothing has hurt quite like that before. June is a natural. James seems to fuss a bit but settles after a moment. Seeing James in June's arms, she notices the family resemblance. She can now see bits of Nathan and herself in him. The pain hits her again.
"He is beautiful. And so well behaved."
Sarah gives her a shaky smile and touches her shoulder.
"You're going to make a beautiful family."
"Thank you for making it possible."
June gives James one last look before giving him back to Sarah."We will have everything ready before we go."
"I trust you. Thank you for doing this."
Sarah watches June leave. James has woken up now but just watches Sarah peacefully. She strokes his hair.
"My beautiful baby boy. That was your mother. She's going to love you so much. You are going to have a good life." She kisses his forehead and they get up to go for a walk. She only has 13 days with James. She is going to make the best of them.