Chapter Text
She can’t help worrying about William’s words. What could he mean? She wants to figure this out. And if it was just her, she would probably keep working all night. But she’s not alone. She loves seeing Nathan so calm, playful, loving. Such a difference from the way he’s been so long. He’s a good distraction to her troubled (pun intended) mind. They’re going to figure this out. Later.
##
"You made the Troubles. You’re being punished," William tells her with manic grief in his eyes.
No. No, that can’t be true (but it also feels true). How could she have done this? Cause all this pain, why? For her own amusement? For William? Why would she have done this?
Part of her wants to know, craves an explanation. A bigger part, she’s ashamed to admit, just wants William *gone*, before he can tell everyone. Tell Duke. Tell *Nathan*. How could they stand her after they knew the truth? If William is right, how will she live with herself?
Then she gets shot, and suddenly none of this matters when her world goes dark.
##
She is not quite sure how to handle Nathan right now. He is so worried, so guilty. She doesn’t know how to make him feel better. She feels guilty for keeping what William told her from him. But she’s not quite ready to lose the way he looks at her, the way he loves her. She’s selfish like that. She wants to tell him. She knows she needs to. But she’s not ready for Nathan to know.
##
It’s reached a breaking point. Nathan can tell she’s not telling him everything, and it’s affecting how she’s handling this godforsaken (did *she* forsake this town?) Harker Trouble. Nathan is the supportive Nathan he always is, and there is a part of her that wants to keep lying to him, to keep him. There is a part that wants to drive him away again, to keep him safe, to give him something better than her.
“We can deal with this.”
“You might not want to.” Because how could he? How could he want her after what she tells him? She can barely stand herself because of what she now knows about herself, how could Nathan feel any differently, given how much the Troubles have cost him. (Now she knows who he could’ve been, a doctor with a beautiful wife and child. She robbed him of that, with the curse she gave his family centuries ago.)
“Talk to me, Parker.”
“I made the Troubles. With William. We used to give people Troubles, together. Yours, everyone’s. He wants me to do it again. To be the person I used to be.”
“You are Audrey Parker. You don’t give people Troubles. You save them.”
Audrey wishes she was more comforted by Nathan’s words, but she suspect the full weight of what she’s telling him hasn’t hit him yet. How could he say something like that, if he truly grasped the situation?
“It’s not that simple, Nathan.” She needs to make him understand.
“To me it is. I told you, I don’t care who were, what you did. You are Audrey Parker, and that’s all I care about.”
“This is a *punishment*, Nathan. I created your Trouble. All the pain you’ve gone through over your life, it was because of me. All the pain in your family. The pain of the Chief, of Jordan, Dwight, so many people in this town. It’s all because of me.”
“You’re not her. You haven’t been her in centuries. You’ve changed. You’re different now.”
“William thinks he can bring the old me, the *real* me back.”
“He won’t. You’re too strong for that.” Nathan holds her face in his hands, like he could transmit all of his strength into her through them, making them overcome everything.
She doesn’t know whether she wants to laugh or cry because of Nathan. She doesn’t share his confidence on her strength. The situation is tricky and filled with dark magic and possibly weird biology, and William’s touch awakes something in her that she doesn’t want to think about. Nathan can’t know what might happen if she Troubles someone. There are other things they need to finally talk about. She takes his hands from her face, but keeps holding onto both of them. Nathan doesn’t hate her yet, and she doesn’t want to lose that connection before she has to.
“Nathan, you spent months hating yourself, having everyone blame you, for stopping the cycle from ending. And, if I’m honest, I was angry too. I made the choice to go to the Barn, to accept my punishment. Because that is what *this* is, a punishment. But I also can’t say that I don’t love you for making that choice. “ She drops one of his hands to touch his face. Nathan leans into her touch. She will miss that.
“But we have to face that… I wasn’t worth that choice. I deserve this punishment. Because I did this.”
Nathan keeps her hand on his cheek. It is such a sweet touch but there is a ferocity in his eyes she rarely sees in them.
“I disagree. You are worth all of this. You’ve spent generations, centuries, helping people, sacrificing yourself over and over. I will never stop feeling guilty about what I did, or stop trying to end the Troubles for good, but don’t regret the end result. I don’t regret us.”
“Nathan… This is my punishment.”
“I don’t care.”
“You probably should.”