Work Text:
Tell me something…
The answer to the most well kept secret in the world…
How do you live?
How do you wake up every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say, “I’m happy”?
Happiness is so elusive, so much further than most people think it is.
You think you can have it and it seems so deceptively close; you think you see the shadow of it in a stranger’s smile, in the laughter of your friends and your family and sometimes, just sometimes, you think you feel it brushing it’s warm fingers against your increasingly colder ones.
Everyday you paint that smile across your face, two fingers to pull the corner of your lips up and face the day.
Choices are a farce and nobody forgives depression.
“Taehyung?”
You look up to see Jimin staring questioningly at you as you stare out the window of the car.
“Yeah?”
“We’re here.”
Another concert. Another press conference. Another show. You don’t even remember what you’re doing anymore. It doesn’t matter now when every day is the day before and tomorrow’s that day you’d rather never come.
You smile, eyes crinkling at the corners.
“Coming.”
X
You know it’s becoming more obvious when fans start picking up on your every expression and every action.
He doesn’t smile much anymore.
He’s been like this since his grandmother passed away.
He’s trying too hard.
Maybe he’s finally growing up.
He’s becoming a man,
Let him be, he’s growing into himself.
He’s not the same as he was. I wish he’d go back to being silly.
Is that what this was?
Growing up?
Or did it really just start after September?
Is it mourning?
What is it?
Does it go away?
What phase of life is this? Where you feel like someone’s got one hand on your throat and another around your heart?
If this was what adulthood was….
You aren’t sure you’re going to survive it for much longer.
You see Bo Gum’s name light up on your phone screen and think for six seconds too long about whether to answer or not…
That’s 4 more seconds than you thought before.
He’s becoming more careful.
“Hey.”
“Do you want to go to the amusement park?”
One, two, three…
It’s a good thing. He couldn’t keep up acting weird into his twenties. It stops being cute.
“Sure.”
Oh but the seconds were definitely getting longer.
“Meet me at the station in an hour.”
“Okay.”
“See You.”
“Yeah.”
You feel Jeongguk before you see him.
“Are you going out?”
“Yeah, thought I’d get out for awhile.”
“Okay, will you be back for dinner?”
“I don’t know. Call me closer to the time and check.”
“Or you could actually call me for once?”
“I’ll probably forget.”
You know he thinks you’re being spoiled, and maybe you are.
But you know if Jeongguk didn’t check, then you’d forget until someone reminded you that you had to care again.
You hear him sigh.
“Alright.”
Your hand feels warm as the youngest brushes past you as he heads to the door.
Somehow happiness seems to love Jeon Jeongguk and you smile your first genuine smile in days.
Envy seems to be someone you’re getting increasingly well acquainted with.
But you loved Jeongguk and you know you wouldn’t let anything touch him. Not your darkness and definitely not your pain.
“Thanks, Guk.”
X
You can see it happening.
Suddenly everyone’s more tight knit and you feel like a voyeur trapped behind a glass, hitting out for attention but increasingly unheard.
Jeongguk and Jimin seem like they’re closer than ever and suddenly Envy’s invited Jealousy to the party and your self-esteem’s a joke.
Seokjin, Namjoon and Hoseok are busy proving themselves to the world and you’re just too tired to tell them that they’re perfect as they are.
That leaves Yoongi.
You feel him staring at you when he thinks you’re not looking and there’s recognition behind those eyes.
It’s then that you realize that you have a name for the demon you’re consumed by.
Depression wasn’t mentioned in the bible and you wonder which God was going to help you fight this one?
X
“You need to get help.”
You laugh.
You’re staring down at the road from the balcony and it’s who knows what time of the night.
Yoongi’s looking at you assessingly and you should have known he’d been awake.
“Help?”
“Go see a psychiatrist.”
“Is that what you did?”
“I turned towards my music.”
“Isn’t that what I’m doing?”
“People find different places for solace, Taehyung. You, by nature, need someone to help you and right now I can see you drowning.”
You wonder what’s giving it away.
You’ve been going through the motions so precisely, that just the thought of not doing them has started to make you anxious.
Get home. Bathe. Wash your face. Moisturise. Sleep. Wake up. Breathe.
You need an anchor and routine seems to be it.
“I’m fine.”
“That’s exactly what most people say before they wrap their own hands around their throat and scream.”
You flex your fingers.
“But I’ve already screamed myself hoarse and I know nothing’s going to change. I’m fine.”
You feel Yoongi’s hand on your shoulder and you wonder why you feel like you’re made of sand.
“Please, Taehyung.”
And somehow those words echo the pleas of your heart and you nod, but promises are well wrapped lies and you’re a master at those.
“Sure.”
X
“What are you thinking about?”
You tear your eyes from where Jeongguk’s lying next to Jimin on the boat and turn towards Namjoon.
“Sorry?”
“What are you thinking about? You’ve been out of it since we got here.”
You shake your head and smile at the leader instead.
You see him nod and turn to walk away but something makes you reach out and hold his hand.
“I was reading Alice in Wonderland on our way here, and I couldn’t help but think…”
“What?”
“Why is a raven like a writing-desk?”
Namjoon looks at you for all of ten seconds and then tilts his head to the side.
“I don’t know. Why?”
Your smile widens and you let out a giddy laugh.
“I don’t know either. But sometimes I think it’s because they both have the ability to predict bad things.”
You see him furrow his brows and open his mouth to say something when the director calls out to him for his shots.
He looks at you one last time and heads over, while you look at the sharks swimming around the boat and wonder how it’s possible that your mind is more dangerous than anything else out there.
You reach into the dry pocket of your jeans and pull out the letter you wrote on the hotel desk.
Your wet hands soak the paper until only a few words remain visible and you laugh until it disintegrates into a mess.
I can’t take it anymore.
X
Yoongi corners you while you’re lying in bed and cages you in with his arms.
“You lied to me.”
You stare at him blankly and watch as his face gets within an inch of yours.
“You said you’d go to the psychiatrist, but all I see is you getting so fucking lost in your own head that you can’t find a way out.”
He looks scared and you’re forcing yourself not to let the pain inside you cripple whatever hold on your mental state that you have left.
“I’m trying.”
And you have been. You’ve been trying so hard to be normal, to act like you don’t need anyone to breathe for you, to just get out of bed and be.
It surprises you when Yoongi presses a kiss against your cheek, and you realize that there are tears streaming down your face.
You turn your head and kiss him on his mouth and wait for him to lash out at you.
He stays exactly where he is and you sob into his mouth.
Everything hurts and this one moment feels like it’s going to kill you.
Suddenly there’s a clatter at the door and you pull away to see Jeongguk look at the both of you with wide eyes.
He backs up and runs, and you don’t have the strength or will power to wonder why he looks so betrayed.
Hoseok runs in to see why and stops when he sees you looking back at him with broken eyes.
There aren’t any words, but when he lies down on the bed next to you while Yoongi stays beside you, you feel a part of you warm and you breathe a little easier.
“I’m sorry,” you whisper.
“Don’t be. Don’t ever be sorry for something like this.”
X
Someone must’ve tipped Seokjin up on what was going on, because you feel him lying on top of you when you wake up the next morning.
“What have you been doing, Taehyung,” he mutters against your neck.
You stay quiet for a while before you reach up and run a hand through his hair.
“I don’t know.”
The two of you stay quiet for a while before you feel him shift to your side.
“We should have noticed this earlier.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“It’s nobody’s fault. It just is. We’ll get past it.”
“Yeah.”
You cover your eyes with your arm and grit your teeth
“I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe.”
“No you haven’t. You just need to remember that you deserve to.”
X
You’re back in the balcony when Jimin holds you around your waist.
You sink into his hold and stare out into the night.
“I miss you,” he mutters against your shoulder.
“I’m right here.”
“Are you?”
You turn and prop yourself up onto the railings.
“I’m always here.”
Jimin smiles a sad smile and shakes his head.
“You’re not. You’re really not.”
You don’t know what to say, so you stare at him and wait.
“But that’s okay. Because wherever you go, I’m going to follow and bring you back.”
You look into your best friend’s eyes and see someone equally broken in front of you.
But he had hope. He had kindness. He had things that you just didn’t.
“There are some places I might go that you can never get me back from.”
You don’t know what you’re saying but you know it’s honest.
You feel his fingers tighten and reflexively pull you away from the edge.
“You’re never going to go anywhere that I can’t find you. You wouldn’t do that to me.”
There’s desperation in his voice and you feel yourself suffocate.
“Will you come with me, then?”
What a dangerous question.
“Yes.”
You step into his arms and pray that you never take him with you into your darkness.
“Don’t. Don’t ever follow me where the others can’t get you back.”
X
Knowing your responsibility to life goes beyond you is a frightening concept.
You dream of Jimin drowning with you and you feel your self-hatred choke you through the night.
You’re eating breakfast when you ask Yoongi to go with you to your first session.
Jeongguk who’s caught onto something, grabs hold of your hand before you head out the door.
You stop because this is the first time he’s tried to speak to you since the incident in the bedroom.
He knocks his forehead against yours and holds tight.
“Whatever it is. It’ll get better. I promise.”
You forget how much of life he still needs to live.
If you think this has a happy ending…you haven’t been paying attention.
“Are you still angry?”
You watch him close his eyes.
“Yes, but that’s on me and not on you.”
You reach out to press a kiss against his mouth, only to watch him splutter and pull away, glancing around to find the other members smiling amusedly at them.
“Get over it,” you whisper and feel your eyes close because you haven’t felt like this in so long.
Yoongi pulls at your hand and the two of you get into the car while Sejin tries to calm an indignant Jeongguk.
“How are you feeling?”
You look at Yoongi and feel yourself sink into the seat.
“Like I need to give myself a choice, that I need to give all of you a choice.”
“Good.”
X
It’s not what you expect.
It’s definitely not what you thought you’d be doing.
The psychiatrist smiles at you when you enter.
You think he’s going to ask you about something you’re not ready to talk about and wait for the inevitable; prepared to lie and so ready to fail.
He pours you a glass of water and looks at you for a while.
After minutes pass you turn your gaze out of the window and look at the sprawling waves outside, wondering what choices have led you down this path.
Wondering…still trapped, still walled in.
“Taehyung?”
You close your eyes.
“How about we play a game of chess?”
“I’ve never played it before.”
“Even better.”
You wait, you question, you mistrust and you hold on.
You nod.
Eventually…somewhere past round four… you finally win.
You know there’s a lesson in this somewhere.
So you stay.
So you talk.
So you re-learn.
X
“Taehyung, always remember these words - love myself, love yourself.”
You breathe.