Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Hyung, you have a letter," Sungwoon hands him the stiff white envelope and he takes it. His name is written carefully with black ballpoint in the front, and he swallows nervously when he sees which company it's from.

He knows who sent this.

Jisung drops off his bowl in the sink, and Daehwi groans, grabbing it to run a soapy sponge over it. Minhyun gives him a strange look as he pads silently to his room, nudging the door closed with his foot. Seongwoo looks up as he comes in, then rolls over promptly and goes back to sleep. He heaves himself onto his own bunk, kicking off the house slippers Sungwoon insists they all wear. Jisung eyes the letter with trepidation, then tears it open.

His eyes fill with involuntary tears as he sees the familiar handwriting, and suddenly he's brought back to the familiar pyramid: surrounded by legions of shocked fans, looking at Minhyun's lip tremble dangerously, and looking at poor, poor Jonghyun - smiling through it all. Shifting his head onto a pillow, he takes a shuddering breath before he begins to read.

Jisung-hyung,

Sorry I took so long to contact you. I tried texting, but Minhyun sent a letter home three nights ago to tell us his phone's been confiscated. Anyway, congratulations on becoming Wanna One's leader. I always knew you could do it.

I hope everyone's okay.

Sungwoon's been so wound up about debuting again for the past four months. I wish he'll start smiling again soon, and that he won't be so desperate anymore. I'm sure he'll be lonely sometimes, so remember to pat his hair. He likes it, no idea why.

Seongwoo worries me a little. He has the tendency to brood when he's alone, so try not to leave him alone for too long. Don't constrict him or anything, though. He likes freedom, and driving. And popcorn too, but if he eats too many he gets a sugar rush. What else? Oh, he has two stuffed toys with him all the time. One is a yellow Wartortle, the other is a rabbit from Hyunbin. I'd advice you not to touch those without telling him, he's overprotective.

Daniel... You know him better than I do, hyung. I leave him in your capable hands. 

Jaehwan should be fine. He's the happiest I've ever seen him, or based off what I saw the last time I saw him. Remember to make him drink water before recording your songs, and not to eat chips because it ruins his voice. On days where he's moody, he likes kimchi jiggae with rice. 

Ah well. You know why I'm writing, don't you? Minhyun-ie... He's so strong, but still he gets carried away with his thoughts. I hope that he sleeps okay without me with the new surroundings. He has two stuffed toys too, same as Seongwoo. And a saline allergy, he gets red bumps and spots. If he practices too much in a damp or humid environment it amplifies the pain, but he'll just grit his teeth and bear it. Check on him for me, please. I can't be there, but you can. I trust you. 

Minhyun's got a strong mentality too, but he worries too much. When he tosses and turns in bed, it means that he's too wound up. Tell him to do his workout circuits in the living room or something. Or write. Yes, writing. Minhyun loves poetry, so let him do that. He's insecure about that, so don't take his notebooks (the one bound in brown leather with our Nu'est's names on the back and his in front)

Sleep early. Take care of yourself, okay? Running an eleven member group is going to be tough, but everyone believes in you. Share the burden with someone too.

I need to record our new songs soon, so reply me okay? Don't leave me hanging. Tell Minhyun... tell him I we miss him, so much. And we're waiting always. He's got a letter from me too, so tell him this in three days time so he doesn't forget. 

Thank you for everything, hyung. I trust you.

Love,

Jonghyun-ie

"Who's that from?" Seongwoo's voice startles him, and Jisung brushes the back of his palm carelessly across his face.

"Jonghyun-ie." His voice sounds muffled and hoarse. "I think he sent one for you too."

"What did he say?" Seongwoo scrambles off his bunk to sit on Daniel's, studying him intently.

"He told me not to touch your stuffed toys." Jisung giggles wetly. "And not to let you be alone for too long."

"Sounds about right." He nods. "Hey, hyung. Are you alright?"

Jisung places the letter back in its envelope, contemplating quietly.

"I will be." He says finally. "I will. It's okay, Seongwoo-ya. Go read your letter. I'm sure Jonghyun has things to tell you too." 

Chapter Text

Seongwoo leaves Jisung hiccuping into the mattress, going to take his letter from the dining room table. It's oddly heavy, and he tests the weight of the envelope warily.

"Is Jisung-hyung okay?" Daehwi asks from where he's perched on the staircase. 

"He says he will be," Seongwoo replies, seeing Daehwi's holding a letter in his hand as well. "I think you should read that in private, kid. Jisung-hyung started weeping halfway through his."

"Thanks," Daehwi,grins tiredly, the eye bags under his eyes tinted dark. He nods, pushing open his door and closing it. Inside, Jisung is on his feet and already in workout clothes, and Seongwoo watches him grab his gym bag.

"Be back for dinner," He calls to Jisung's leaving frame, and the older waves absently to him. Climbing the steps, Seongwoo makes a hole in his nest of blankets and sheets, tucking the yellow stuffed toy under his chin. He takes a deep breath and opens the envelope, tipping out a key pendant attached to a chain. The key has a pretty purple stone embedded in it, and Seongwoo hangs the chain on his neck, watching the pendant rest over his solar plexus. He opens the piece of letter paper, rolling his shoulders back in anxiety.

Seongwoo-ya,

Hey. I don't think you would expect this but... I just wanted to contact you. I don't know how many times I can say this but I'm honestly so grateful for you, my sort of best friend, someone that cheers me up all the time. But yeah, like I've said before, I hope you don't be pressurised to be happy. You have the right to be sad too, okay?

The stone in the key is real amethyst. You mentioned something about crystal healing in the Produce dorms, so I went out to get you something you can wear easily. Amethyst helps with burn out, acceptance, composure, harmony, grief and letting go. and some other stuff, but you're the expert. You know I don't blame you for making it in without me, right? You should be happy where you are, Seong. I'm the happiest I've been in very long, you should be happy too.

We fought when I dropped Minhyun off at the dorms, and you said that I should have been bringing in my own luggage too. You were so loud, and you kind of hurt Sungwoon's feelings. Remember to apologise. You need to be a good person. I can't mother you all around anymore, but when you get your phones back I'm going to spam you all day and night. Did you remember to wash your socks? Don't end up wearing the same pair for a week again.

I've got a ton of letters to write, but I started yours first. You're the closest friend I made from Produce, you know? Thank you for being there for me, know that I'm here for you too. Reply as soon as you can. Oh yes, try to keep an eye out for Minhyun, will you? Thank you, Seongwoo-yah. See you soon.

Love, Jonghyun

"What the shit-" Seongwoo yowls, jabbing his face into his sleeve. When he pulls away, the sleeve is soaked wet, and he flings the letter away in anger. "Stupid Jonghyun and his stupid caring morals and values and-"

He cuts himself off with a warble, and picks up the letter carefully. His fingers are shaking as he folds the letter back inside the envelope. Slipping it under his pillow, Seongwoo lies down and blinks away the unwanted tears.

"I miss you," He tells the ceiling, and if he closes his eyes, he can remember a night months ago (it feels like years) where he was happy. Truly, unapologetically happy; happy without strings attached. What was that he had shouted? Kim Jonghyun is first place! If he squeezes his eyes tight enough, he can conjure up the memory of someone pulling him back into the shop, four familiar bodies laughing and smiling and all- happy. Just, happy.

"I'll do it," He grabs the key lying on his chest. "Jonghyun-ah, just wait. I'll see you soon."

Chapter Text

Daehwi watches Seongwoo shut the door softly behind him, and his hands tighten around the letter in his hands.

"My little centre star!" Jonghyun had laughed when he threw himself at him during moving in day. He cringes at the memory. It hadn't been a good memory, per se. He hadn't forgotten the way Seongwoo's jaw dropped when Jonghyun refused to enter the house.

"This is your future, Daehwi," Jonghyun had explained to him kindly. "I have mine, and it isn't here."

"I miss you, hyung," he whispers under his breath, turning to go up the staircase to the second landing. Sungwoon had brought inflatable bean bags along with him to the dorm, and Daehwi collapses on one. He flips onto his stomach, careful not to cut himself as he opens the envelope. That's ridiculous though, Jonghyun's nothing but observant. He wouldn't let Daehwi cut himself on an envelope.

Daehwi-ya,

My little center star!! I can see you cringing, but you love the nickname, don't you? Hehe, don't deny it. Being back in the Nu'est dorms is so peaceful without your screams and Daniel's clattering. Kidding, I miss you.

Remember what I told you on moving in day? You're not seeing anyone else beside your team for now so it doesn't apply quite yet. I decided to pen it down, so don't lose this paper.

You're ambitious, and it's okay. Don't ever be sorry for who you are, you hear me? Don't lose yourself, don't forget who you are inside. Your identity is the most beautiful thing about you. When you meet other people, be polite and honest. Fend off your attackers with a smile and gentleness. Also, since you're in Wanna One now, remember that your team is everything to you. Wanna One should be your main priority, and always be proud that you've made it. Don't be insecure about your position in your team - you're a lovable maknae, and everyone treasures you. No matter what people say, your hyungs will always be there for you.

Minhyun-ie packed calming tea from our dorm. If you need it, go ask him for it. He's always open for advice. And he's experienced too. 

About the ambitious thing, remember to maintain your image. Minhyun will remind you sometimes. He did cover up the Seventeen thing with Aron after all. 

Spend your two years with your team well!! I believe that you will do well, and don't worry so much about the rest of us. Samuel is doing well too, and his debut track is cool. The Yuehwa boys are well, oh and Minki says he misses you. 

Anyway, I'm signing off so you will write back. You will, won't you? Drink more water and stay hydrated! When you're writing songs and lyrics don't slouch, remember to sit up straight and stretch often. Don't sleep on tables anymore either, you're an idol now. I believe in you, my center star!

Love,

Onibugi-hyung

Daehwi blinks furiously.

I will not cry.

Jonghyun hates it when the people around him cry. 

Numbly, Daehwi walks down the stairs, ignoring the trembling Sungwoon lying on the couch. He stumbles towards his room, reaching into the drawers for papers he uses to write essays for school, and a pen.

Hyung, He writes. I miss you.

He swallows, then crosses everything out.

Hyung, why did you take so long to contact? Hehe, I'm doing well too, don't worry...

Chapter Text

Sungwoon knows the stack of letters weren't sent by the mailman.

The entire stack is tied together with twine in a lazy knot and left neatly on their doorstep. He reaches down and picks it up, turning it over to see who it's from. It's early in the morning, and he stretches his back while getting up. Letters are uncommon, especially white ones. Fan letters usually came in varying shades of pastel. He eyes the company logo on the back warily.

Pledis.

Stepping back and closing the door, he walks back to the kitchen to get his coffee. He finds a pair of scissors along the way, snipping the twine and the letter with his name written carefully on it.

"Hyung, you have a letter," he tells Jisung as the older nearly face plants his cereal. Jisung shakes himself awake and grabs it. When he sees the envelope, his face pales slightly, and he drops off his bowl where Daehwi is scrubbing. 

"What happened?" Daehwi asks as Jisung nearly runs out of the kitchen, and Sungwoon sighs.

"Jonghyun sent letters," he says, watching the younger's back stiffen.

"I see," Daehwi comments easily, and Sungwoon stands up to drop his coffee off and hand the letters out. He passes one to Minhyun, who's reading on the sofa, and drops the rest on the table. Daehwi pads over to grab his, perching on the staircase. Minhyun opens his, and his look of composure falters before he makes his way to the comforts of his own bunk.

Sungwoon picks up the book he leaves behind. 

Later, when Daehwi has run up the staircase, he opens the letter with trepidation.

Sungwoon-hyung,

Hello. It's me, Jonghyun. Congrats on making it to Wanna One once again, and all the best! You've done this once before, I'm sure you'll be able to help out the others. 

About the moving in day, I'm sorry about Seongwoo. I'm also sorry about a lot of things, like how we had to let you go from Never, but well. I'd like to think that things turned out in your favour? I'm still sorry, to you, Youngmin, Seonho and Haknyeon. 

I think, as someone restarting once again, you are so adaptable and... I think you will do well. Truly. You will miss your members, yes, just like how Minhyun will miss us. But as I told Minhyun, live life like you own it. You can do this, hyung. All of us here believe in you.

I hope this letter may be of some comfort to you, but I won't place my hopes too high. I also hope you forgive me. Wishing you all the best.

Jonghyun.

Sungwoon exhales tiredly.

He hadn't been the kindest person to Jonghyun, really. He was so caught up with the competition he barely made any friends at all, and the first few days of Wanna One had been a little stilted and awkward. Still.

It's amazing how Jonghyun knows him so well. He tips the envelope over, and a couple of pain relief patches fall out. On the white cotton surface are handwritten messages, and Sungwoon picks one up to study.

Hyung, we miss you. Fighting! We'll see you soon.

The message is written in purple ink, and Sungwoon sucks in a breath of air when he sees the name. Love, Hojung-ie. He shuts his eyes, fumbling for the rest.

Yoonsan, Taehyun, Moongyu, Junhyuk.. Sungwoon laughs breathily as he sees Taehyun's message: Eat your vitamins and stop getting older.

Shaking his head, Sungwoon puts everything back in the envelope, closing the flap over it. Jisung closes the door behind him as he leaves for his workout like the force of a tornado. Guanlin, who's coming in, looks shell shocked and Sungwoo stands to usher him in.

"What happened to hyung?" Guanlin asks, unloading his water bottle and towel on the table. Sungwoon passes him his letter, and the kid swallows nervously.

"Did I get a fine from the library again?" Guanlin frowns, and Sungwoon bites back a chuckle. 

"No," he points to the logo on the envelope. "It's just mail, kid. Just mail."

Chapter Text

Guanlin jabs the lift button, changing his weight from foot to foot as the doors close. He wipes off the sweat gathering at his brow, silently thanking Yoo Seonho for drilling him with a running routine. Not that he would ever tell him that, of course.

The lift doors slide open, and he steps out just in time to see Jisung leave. The older's face is twisted in worry and longing, and Guanlin lets him go, looking at him confusedly. Jisung steps into the lift he vacates and presses a button, and the doors close after him. He doesn't look up.

"What happened to hyung?" he asks Sungwoon, who is hovering nerverously in the doorway. His hyung steps away, grabbing something from the kitchen table and passing it to him. His smile is a little strange, and Guanlin groans when he sees the white envelope.

"Hyung, is it from the library again?" he whines, and Sungwoon smiles sadly.

"No," he points to the logo on the envelope. "It's just mail, kid. Just mail."

Guanlin turns it over, shoulders sagging as he sees the company name. 

"Oh," he whispers, and Sungwoon pats his back, leaving to hibernate in his own room. The atmosphere in the dorm is slightly more understandable, and if he listens closely, he can hear someone crying. "What the heck, it's like someone died."

He perches on the edge of the table, jabbing the pair of reading glasses he keeps on the edge onto his face.

Guanlin-ah,

It's Dongho hyung and Jonghyun hyung. Minki hyung too, but he's insisting we write it for him because he doesn't want to get a writer's bump. From writing one letter. As usual, Minki is Minki, a bad influence.

It's Jonghyun hyung. Dongho and Minki just started fighting, so I'm leaving them alone. It's just me now. They tell me to write that they miss you, and that they pray for you everyday. You wormed your way into all our hearts, you know? Well...

How's dorm life going? Are you sleeping okay? I hope that your slight insomnia has been resolved with your debut, but that's not likely in our line of work. Sleep whenever you can, eat whatever you want, and play and work hard. You're young enough to do it. Ah, Dongho came again. 

GUANLIN-AH!!!! I'm so proud of you. I see Jonghyun-ie is writing all the advice and mothering things, so here's a reminder from me to keep your head screwed on straight! Just kidding, I know you're a good kid. We need to collaborate, just like we agreed during 'Boy In Luv' okay? We can call Yongguk and Gunmin and everyone. That'll be fun, won't it? Look forward to it... Sucks that you don't have your phone now, so I'll stick with writing letters. You better reply, you hear me? 加油， 你行的。

It's Jonghyun again... Dongho has the attention span of a five year old, but he means well. Take time to write in your journal everyday and bring the key with you wherever you go so people won't steal it. Be careful with what you do too. Also, don't forget your roots, and you can try speaking Mandarin with Minhyun. He speaks Conversational Mandarin, but he sucks. I'm not the one to talk, though.

赖冠霖, 我们对你有很多希望。你一定要一直支持下去，以后的苦，你才能忍得住。We hope you enjoy being in Wanna One and wish you all the best! Reply to tell us how you're doing often, especially update Dongho because he insists he fathered you. Or something. Basically it means he wants you to write back and show some gratitude, you punk. His words, not mine. 

Stay happy, stay free. We miss you.

Love,

Jonghyun hyung, Dongho hyung and Minki hyung

P.S. Write a letter to Seonho too. He's lonely.

Guanlin laughs as he reads through the letters, bringing one hand to rub at his nose. He runs a finger over the paper, where Dongho pressed the pen too hard into the letter paper. He can imagine the three of them clustered on a couch, and his grin fades as he remembers how much he misses everyone. Especially Seonho.

He misses Seonho. And Minki. And Dongho. And Jonghyun. And-

Woojin enters the kitchen, going straight to the fridge for the honey butter chips.

"Hyung," Guanlin calls, and he turns. Woojin looks so tired, eyes barely opened and hair standing up on one side of his head. 

"Yeah, Lin?" he grumbles, searching blindly before he pulls the chips out. 

"There's a camera in the refrigerator, hyung," he reminds amusedly, and Woojin pouts.

"I don't care, I'm hungry and tired," he complains. Guanlin shuffles over and picks through the stack, pulling out the letter with the name Park Woojin printed on it.

"This might make you feel better," he offers it like a tribute, and Woojin takes it curiously.

"Oh," he gasps, seeing the letter, and Guanlin beams. 

"It made me feel better, hyung! You should get some rest after you read it," he chirps, and Woojin ruffles his hair.

"Thank you, Guanlin," he sighs, and Guanlin pats his butt as he leaves him in the kitchen. The shower is free, and he drops the letter off in his room.

"Did you read your letter, hyung?" he asks Minhyun's unmoving form. The older doesn't budge an inch from where he's curled up against the wall, blanket pulled over his head. "Nevermind."

Chapter Text

Woojin takes the letter from Guanlin and sits down in the chair tiredly. His body's been weird recently, he's either incredibly exhausted or incredibly energetic. It's not a good day for him, and he knows he looks bad. There's a dull pounding in his head, and the chips to nothing to help his mood.

He opens the letter haphazardly, whisking out the piece of paper inside and unfolding it.

Woojin-ah,

Jonhyun-hyung here. How are you? I'm worried for you, especially after your eye thing. I hope you are sleeping well too, you look like the kind of kid that doesn't take stress too well, but who knows? I hope you don't get insomnia like I did in my earlier days.

Other than your health, is everything going okay? You said you would contact me once you settled everything in the dorm, but it's been twenty days. Well, you probably forgot, and I don't blame you. Hm, everyone outside of Wanna One misses you guys. The top 20 group chat blows up every day, but it sucks that you all can't read the shit that goes on in there. Samuel's having fun dragging Daehwi and Jihoon's name in the mud. Don't tell them, though. Oh, and Hyungseob is doing well.

His emotional trauma seems to have healed enough, and he's going on Heyo TV and onStyle. He misses you too, and he keeps sending me HQ pictures of you doing your schedules. Please. Like I don't keep track of you enough, haha. Youngmin misses you, Donghyun too. The two of them say that the dorm feels empty without Daehwi's screaming and your grumpiness. 

Back to you, how are you doing, really? You didn't look too well on moving in day, and Minhyun... Min says that you're adjusting slowly. Open up to your fellow members okay? Don't miss the rest of us too much, we're all living well and earning lots of money. I pray for you every day, and the rest too. Minki says he will bring your favourite stew if we can promote together at the same time.

Ah, well. Time really flies, huh? Seems like yesterday we were standing on that platform together, and now you're halfway across the city preparing for debut. We're all rooting for you, okay? You deserve your position in the group. Sending lots of love and fighting spirit, keep going no matter what and never stop.

Love, Jonghyun-hyung

He smiles, tucking the letter back into the envelope. 

"Hyung," he grunts, rolling his eyes. "Ah, this hyung. He's such a mother."

"Why are you talking to yourself?" 

Woojin turns, spotting Daniel leaning against the door. 

"Jonghyun-hyung sent letters, and he's so cheesy and old," Woojin pulls a face, glancing at his feet.

"Letters?" Daniel asks, and he points to the stack.

"Go find yours, hyung," He instructs. "Meanwhile, I'll go find Daehwi. He might be a little emotional."

"Ah," Daniel sighs. "He took it hard when Jonghyun didn't make it, didn't he?"

"Yeah." Woojin runs a hand down his face. "I'll go check on him, just in case."

"Minhyun..." Daniel's words die in his throat. "I don't think Minhyun-hyung is okay."

He sucks in a breath of air. 

"Oh no," he exchanges a worried look with the older. "I think... leave him alone. He'll be fine."

"I hope so." Daniel comments, and Woojin pats his shoulder, pushing past him to find Daehwi.

Chapter Text

Daniel spreads himself out on the couch, leaning on his forearms and placing the letter in front of him. He plays with the flap, before sighing and opening it.

The letter paper brings a faint scent of vanilla and honey he identifies immediately with Jonghyun, and he presses his nose to it before yanking it away. It looks a little weird, after all.

Gulping, he unfolds the letter and starts to read.

Danik!!

Yah, it's Jonghyun, your favourite scapegoat. How are you doing? Minki tells me to use satoori to talk to you since you're like the face of satoori now but how am I supposed to write satoori?? He's going crazier every day. By the time we see each other he'll be completely mad at this rate. 

Congratulations on being the top ranked trainee again! Like what I told you during Sorry Sorry, you're going to do well in the industry. I told you, didn't I? My lucky in-ear never fails.

Daniel's throat dries up.

He remembers the finale night, watching people go up to the pyramid, and praying that he'll see Jonghyun's familiar back view too. He remembers resisting the urge to turn around, to look to Jonghyun for comfort. He remembers, most of all, sitting at the top of the pyramid, and seeing Jonghyun rank 14th. 

He doesn't remember anyone else he feels the most sorry for.

Minhyun and I groomed you well, didn't we? Aigoo, our Danik is breaking hearts now... Seems like yesterday we were in the dorms eating chips under the blankets. And the sleepover! Do you remember that? Ah, I was so grateful to you all then, but I couldn't say it because of how embarassed I was.

Anyway, I heard from Hui that he's going to have you do my old part in Never. Do well! I believe you will anyway. Right, remember to sleep sideways. That won't make you snore so much. And stop grinding your teeth! You're going to have little white nubs for teeth in twenty years if you keep doing it. 

You're going to do so well, Dan. I have Everyone has lots of trust and hope in you. Dongho says to tell you to eat more and stop being a muscle pig. I suppose that's your concept though. Being a muscle pig, hehe. Our little cute puppy with abs. Shocker.

I'm going to sign off here. By the way, I heard what you told Hyunbin. (Mnet posted the video.) Thank you, Dan. I know you always make an effort to look strong, and I'm always grateful to you. I've spoke to Hyunbin, and he's fine. I'm fine too. I've moved on. Daniel-ah, you don't have to bear the burden by yourself. Learn to open up more deeply okay? To the people you trust. If you need me, I'm... a letter away? You know what? I'll let my manager leave his number with yours. If anything, just call and I'll come to wherever you are. Fighting! God-Daniel will do well no matter what.

Love, Onibugi xxxxx

Daniel quirks his lips, startled when a drop of water lands on the paper. The last 'x' bleeds, and he frantically blots the water away with his sleeve. Touching a hand to his face, he realises bleatedly that he's crying. He teared up, actually, a skill only Jonghyun has developed.

"Ah, hyung," he groans, dabbing his face dry and sitting up, dropping the envelope. Two poloroids spill out in the process, and he picks one up, laughing as he recognises the cats in the pictures.

"Look, Jinyoung-ah!" he calls out to the younger who stumbles past him into the kitchen for breakfast. "Jonghyun-hyung sent pictures of my cats."

"That's cute," Jinyoung observes the Poloroid carefully. "Wait, Jonghyun-hyung?"

"He sent letters for all of us," he replies, placing the contents back into the envelope.

"Even for me?" Jinyoung's voice is small.

"I'm pretty sure he did. It's on the kitchen table, go grab yours," he grins, getting off the couch. "I heard Jisung-hyung was a mess after reading his. I'll go to the gym now."

"Okay," Jinyoung calls from the kitchen, and Daniel opens his room door, seeing Seongwoo hanging dangerously off the bunk.

"Hyung!" he yelps, running over to push his head onto the mattress. "What are you doing?"

"Thinking," the older's voice is muffled. Daniel pretends not to see the red around his eyes, and Seongwoo pretends not to see the way his hands are shaking slightly. "Want to go to the gym or something?"

"Yeah, hyung," Daniel reaches out to take his hand, squeezing slightly. "Let's go."

Chapter Text

Jinyoung stares at the letter in his hand, biting his lip. He doesn't remember a specific incident or event with Jonghyun, and he's honestly puzzled to what the older can write to him about.

He unfolds the letter at the same time Jaehwan comes in, and the look he's greeted with makes him choke out a laugh. Jaehwan's dressed in a bright yellow hoodie, and Jinyoung clearly remembers it in someone else's closet.

"Hyung, I'm pretty sure that's Jihoon's," he grins, and Jaehwan takes a bleary eyed glance at his outfit.

"Oh, shit," he curses, picking at the bright fabric. "Jesus, I must have been really tired to grab one of these monstrosities."

He turns to shuffle back into his room, and Jinyoung picks up the stack.

"Hyung?" he calls, and Jaehwan stops in his footsteps. "Jonghyun-hyung sent letters. Here's yours and Jihoon's."

"Thanks," the older grunts, then plods back into his room. He stares back into the paper in his hands, then unfolds it carefully.

Hey Jinyoung!

I know we aren't very close, and you might be a little confused as to why I sent this, but I thought I could give you some advice? Yes, as a sunbae. Also it would be a jerk move to send letters to only the people I'm close to. I hope this letter might be of some help to you.

Mm, where to start?

I saw your audition performance, and back then you had really little confidence right? I hope you're prepared for the endless amount of hate you're bound to receive at some point of your career. No matter how good you are, some people will just find fault in you. It's not because you are a bad singer or dancer, it's just the way the industry works. My advice to you is to be a little like Daehwi: milk the criticism and make yourself better. There's always room to improve, but don't lose confidence in yourself. Everyone out here is believing in you! You earned your rightful spot in Wanna One, no matter what people say.

Also, when you start promoting, remember to stay humble. Remember to greet the senior artists well, give them your signed albums and everything. Some senior artists will blacklist arrogant groups through their contacts. Make good friends in the industry as well! They can help you a lot, but fully trust your group members... I hope you never face a traitor.

We might see each other in waiting rooms soon. (wink wink) Until then, I hope you take good care of yourself! Stay strong and kind, Baejin. 

Jonghyun-hyung

Jinyoung huffs out a laugh, folding the letter back. He honestly isn't that surprised Jonghyun still sounds so chirpy even in a letter. Even during Produce 101, Jonghyun had always stayed strong. 

Outside, someone bangs the door, and Jinyoung goes to answer it, peering through the peephole.

"Who is it?" he calls, and the person on the other end raps sharply.

"It's Daniel!" 

"Okay, hyung," Jinyoung opens the door, and Daniel spills in.

"Hurry," he huffs, sweat running down his face. "We're having a guest in twenty minutes."

"What?" Jinyoung stares at him, baffled. "Hyung, that's not allowed."

"The hell I care!" The cry bursts from his lips, and he steps back, stunned. "I'm sorry. I met Jonghyun near the gym and managed to convince him to come over for a while."

"Hyung," Jinyoung starts, then the words die in his throat. "Hyung, that's not allowed."

Daniel finally looks at him, and Jinyoung tightens his expression.

"Hyung," he mutters, looking at the floor. "Hyung, management... management says..."

"He'll stand outside, Jinyoung ah," Daniel implores, puppy eyes and all. "He won't step inside."

Jinyoung thinks. 

He remembers suddenly, how Jonghyun had stopped by the toilets after the auditions.

"Hello, you're Bae Jinyoung, right?" 

"Y- yes, sunbae-nim."

"Just... hyung," A tired exhale. "Just hyung will do. Fighting! It's okay, we have the reevaluations to go."

"Jinyoung-hyung, where did you- Oh. Hello."

"Hi, Daehwi, A ghost of a smile. "Keep going, Jinyoung-ssi. Especially when it hurts."

"Well," Jinyoung's hands tighten around the letter in his hands. "We have to find a place in the stairwell for him. I'll get the drinks ready."

Chapter Text

Jaehwan eyes the hoodie with distaste.  Jihoon is still fiddling with his fidget spinner on his bed, a textbook lying half opened next to him. 

"I can't believe you didn't even tell me," Jaehwan laments, pulling it off by the hem.

"Oh my God, hyung!" Jihoon yelps. "Take it off. Did you even shower yet?"

"You little brat," he flings the entire mass of fabric at the kid, pulling a black shirt off the bed stand and putting it on. "Here, a letter from your beloved Onibugi hyung."

He's lying if he says he isn't eyeing Minhyun from the corner of his eye. The man doesn't move and continues breathing normally. Jihoon grabs it from his hands, grinning brightly.

"Ah, really?" he jabbers, and Jaehwan purses his lips, climbing into his bunk.

"Kids these days," he mutters, tearing open the envelope. There's a piece of paper and a cuff inside, and he pulls the accessory out to observe.

HE WHO SINGS SCARES AWAY HIS WOES it reads on the outside, and Jaehwan flips it over. Especially with a laugh like yours, Jaehwan-ah.

Jaehwan huffs a breath, chuckling. Running a thumb over the inscribed letters, he snaps it onto his wrist. The letter is slightly trickier, and he unfolds it, holding his breath. As expected, the entire sheet of paper is completely filled with Jonghyun's bubbly scrawl.

Our main Jaehwan-ie, haha

How are you doing? I'm glad to see you become more confident these days. Are you taking care of your voice well? Please don't laugh until you lose your voice again, you nearly gave me a heart attack the last time. And no more snacking! You're an idol now, not a trainee, okay? 

Right, Minhyun says the both of you bunked together again. Good luck to the both of you. Sorry Sorry was bad enough, I don't know how the two of you are surviving the next two years together. Kidding, I trust that Minhyun will convert you to adopt his cleaning habits soon. He's a persistent one. Even Dongho is scared of him when it comes to cleaning up. 

I hope you're taking care of yourself well. Let your skin breathe from the makeup, please. Everytime something gets applied to your face you have to wash it off. That's the rule. Unless you want acne all over your face, which isn't very ideal. And please, for God's sake, wash your hair more regularly. Especially in the summer. Use body lotion too. 

I miss you guys. Hyunbin and I met up yesterday to play Mario Kart, but it isn't the same. It felt... too quiet. I hope you all are doing well. I wrote letters to the others as well, but I have a feeling they'll pretend they're okay. Keep an eye out for them, Jaehwan-ah. I've got people to spy on you too, hehe. You all are never escaping my sight. Kidding, I just worry sometimes.

I pray for you everyday, and wish you all the best. You have to reply, okay? If no one replies me I'm going to feel very sad. Hope you like your present! It was meant to be for your birthday, but... Well, with debut and the concert and everything, I thought we could have a small break and I could give it to you but... Nevermind. Keep it on so I know you read my message. 

Love, Jonghyun-hyung

"Aigoo," Jaehwan coos, tucking the paper back into the envelope and sighing. Jonghyun, as usual. Jaehwan presses his face into the pillow he cradles in his arms, slowing his breathing. 

Minhyun still hasn't moved.

"Hyung!" Someone hisses through the crack in the door, and he goes to answer it. It's Daehwi, eyebrows drawn together in something a little like worry and anticipation.

"Sup?" Jaehwan asks, and he smiles brightly, holding up his letter.

"We're all going to the gym, hyung," Daehwi's grin is cheeky, eyes sliding to the camera placed in the corner of the room. He holds up the letter in one hand, placing the other against the doorframe to support himself. "Want to come with?"

"What's with the sudden invite?" Jaehwan checks, and the kid beams.

"We got something special lined up for the next few days' schedule," the brat lies effortlessly through his teeth, waving the letter like a provocation. "Come on, hyung. It won't take long."

"Okay," Jaehwan decides, and Daehwi pushes the door further open to gesture wildly for Jihoon to come out as well. He pauses in his footsteps to check on Minhyun, the older passed out cold on his mattress. "I'll leave a note for Minhyun-hyung, wait for me outside."

"Yes, hyung," they chirp in unision, Jihoon still holding onto his letter like it's a lifeline. "We'll be right outside the main door."

"Okay," he calls back, yanking off the cap of his trusty blue ballpoint with his teeth and scribbling on a piece of paper he pulls from Jihoon's and Guanlin's accumulated stack of school supplies.

Hyung, we are... outside. Act normal. 

Chapter Text

Jihoon is awake when Guanlin slips out of the room after fighting a battle with his Korean 101 Textbook. He's awake when Minhyun stumbles in, eyes glittering, and he's awake when Woojin climbs off the stairs, landing with a loud thud. He's awake to hear Woojin's muffled curse, and Jaehwan's answering snort. He's awake when Jaehwan walks out to see what Guanlin had pestered Minhyun about. 

He's awake, watching life carry on from his bunk, propped up on one elbow and pretending to study his biology textbook. Okay, so he is studying. But he takes a glance up once in a while to monitor Minhyun. The older read his letter first, shook out the contents of the envelope, put them in his bag, and hung something around his neck. Then he lay down, turned away from the sole light in the room, and went to sleep.

Jihoon wants to believe he's okay, but he knows better. He's a better people watcher than he gives credit for.

Jaehwan's already on his bunk, tearing his own letter open noisily. Jihoon looks back at his, fingers hesitating.

He remembers a lot of things about Jonghyun. He remembers the first shy greeting, the way his cheeks heated up as the staff told him he had been paired with Jonghyun for the Mystery Box Challenge - how he had blinked nervously at the man until he smiled reassuringly. 

He remembers the first kind word someone unfamiliar tells him before... everything. Before Wink Boy, before the name Park Jihoon became a hot topic, before he even had an inkling of what was about to come.

"Jihoon, right? That's a pretty name. You dance really well, kid."

He draws in a deep breath and opens the letter.

Jihoon-ie,

Hey! Jihoon-ie, how are you doing? We all miss your pretty face here, especially Minki. He's still sad that the members of his rabbit squad have been delegated elsewhere, but he says to tell you that Captain Rabbit will always be waiting. Cute. Don't tell him I said that, though. Lord knows his ego is big enough.

Have you become more comfortable with your members yet? I know you were slightly taken aback by Seongwoo and Daniel the first time you met them, but they're nice. They're going to be very good members of yours, Jihoon-ah. You're quite close with Minhyun, right? He'll look after you well. He's practically adopted you, although Minki insists he lay claim on you first. Jaehwan's a bit overwhelming, but... Well, it's Jaehwan. He grows on you after a while.

I know I don't have to tell you how to keep your motivation or how to keep fighting or how to present yourself on television. I think you know it a little better than I do. Ah, Jihoon-ah, you had a hard time on Produce 101, right? I'm sorry I didn't do enough to fend off the producer's questions. I hope the success you are about to experience will make all the tough work worth it, but I also hope you never have to undergo such a trying time again.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your hair, your face, your body, your legs, everything. It's all precious in someone's eyes. Remember to eat often, everyone likes a cute and well fed Jihoon. You're young, it's time to stop living life like you're toeing the line between success and failure. 

You always said you don't deserve the love you get. Maybe we all don't. Maybe we all do. The point is, do something meaningful with what you have. Repay the kindness you have recieved willingly, and be a good person. I know you are.

Study hard! Sorry I couldn't help you with that math question before your test that time, I'm not too good with academics as well. I suppose I entered the industry too early, but what is a few years more of training, right? Haha, read a little before you go to bed. Aim for a good university and apply for a specialist degree... Oh my God, it's like I'm never going to see you again. I should stop mothering you now, shouldn't I? 

Anyway, reply soon. Everyone misses you lot, especially Samuel. But Sam's doing well. He's getting a lot of support from his company too. Don't worry about the rest of us anymore! Just focus on debuting well. I believe in you, Park Jihoon.

Love, Onibugi-hyung

Jihoon exhales slowly, feeling months and years of fatigue creep up on him suddenly. All he wants is just... a break. A nice, long break far away from all this. He misses everyone else who never made it to the final team, yet feels ecstatic that he himself made it. It's happiness with a cost, and he knows it won't even last that long.

"Hyung!" the door creaks open, and Jihoon thinks it's Daehwi. Jaehwan plods down onto the floor loudly, and he tenses, turning to look at Minhyun. The oldest in the room doesn't even budge. 

Daehwi waves his letter at them and goes a long way implying that they have a guest, and Jihoon rolls his eyes fondly at how obvious he is. He's waved over quickly, and he shuts the door behind himself, the last sight is Jaehwan scribbling quickly on a bit of paper, leaned halfway across Minhyun's sleeping body.

"Who's here?" he asks, and Daehwi pauses in his footsteps.

"Jonghyun-hyung," he mutters, and Jihoon's jaw drops.

"What?" he gasps. "If management-"

"He's in the stairwell," Daehwi mumbles, and Jihoon takes off, running through the door, fist clenching his letter tight.

He slows to a stop right outside the door to the stairs, patting his hair down. Yanking the door open, he sees Jonghyun sitting on a plastic red chair, with everyone else gathered around him on the floor. Jisung lets out a small scream as he crashes in, and Jonghyun looks up and-

"Hyung." Jihoon says. Says is an understatement. He actually marvels at Jonghyun, at how smiley he looks, how healthy he looks, how... How happy he looks.

"Jihoon-ie." He teases back, and Jihoon's scrambling across the tiny landing to wrap him in a hug. "Oof! Nice to see you too."

Jihoon won't stop shaking, eyes filling with tears, and he's not sure why. 

Chapter Text

Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia. Minhyun turns the page thoughtfully, placing a finger to his lips as his eyes scan through the novel. You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.

He looks up when Jisung practically runs past him into his own room, watching the eldest nearly slip and miss his own doorknob entirely. He shakes his head and laughs quietly.

"Minhyun-ah," Sungwoon calls, and Minhyun looks up, seeing a white envelope in his hands. "You have a letter."

"Thank you, hyung," He smiles gratefully, setting the boom aside and uncrossing his legs. He tears open the letter mindlessly, mind still fixed on the book.

The first thing that slips out is a packet of pills, and Minhyun takes a closer look. He knows these pills. He has a few in his bag all the time.  Urgent, he tips out the rest of the contents in the envelope. There's a letter and a ring strung on silver chain, and his hands shake as he picks up the ring from his lap.

The ring has a stone of rose quartz inlaid into the bezel, and Minhyun shoves everything back into the envelope, getting up and trying not to flee back into the comforts of his bunk. Daehwi glances at him worriedly as he passes, but Minhyun keeps going. Inside, Jihoon is still studying the biology textbook, pen in one hand. Jaehwan and Woojin are passed out on their respective bunks, and Minhyun ducks into his own for some privacy, propping his back against the wall. He opens the envelope again, studying the familiar handwriting but not the words. 

It's funny how It's been six years and Jonghyun's handwriting remains the same: scratchy and bubbly and entirely Jonghyun. He sighs, presses his fingers to a wet spot on the paper, feeling the way Jonghyun wrote the letter, feeling the way he pressed too hard and the ink bubbled up in one spot, feeling the way he folds the paper, creasing it gently.

He feels Jonghyun, in the letter.

Minhyun-ie,

How are you? We miss you... your letter reached us a little late because none of us checked the mailbox since you normally did that since, well, who writes anymore these days? Haha, sorry for the late reply. We are all living well, especially Minki who's eating his fair share of kimchi jiggae.

To answer your question on what I've been doing, I'm doing a panel for Suspicious Singer in a few days. It's crazy how everything turned out! I'm on an actual TV show, and people say I speak well... Hehe. We have more special things planned out, you know? Minki and I are about to be signed on to Labiotte, and the both of us were given super super special missions for next week.... Guess! Haha, you'll have to write back to find out. See, this is how I force you to reply me....

Other than me, how are you doing? I hope you're getting the support you deserve. You forgot your second set of allergy medication, you fool. I know you have enough for one episode, but still. How am I going to pass it to you? I tucked some pills in this letter, but I can't send you the antibiotics or the satchets... Maybe I'll ask our my new manager to drop it by. Your second Epi-pen is still with me. I should pass it to your new leader now.

You left your beloved duster behind too. Honestly, what were you thinking? You've stayed long with us to know the kind of mess four people make... and now you have eleven, hehe. Jihoon keeps his things neat though, Woojin and Daehwi too. Must be a Brand New thing.

We're recording new songs these days. Don't worry, we never forgot you. The songs are slightly higher, and Aron-hyung has already marked out your lines. We're releasing a special single too, based on Aron-hyung's advice, to test out the response~ Hopefully it'll do well and we can do a come back. We also tried to use one of the backing tracks you composed last time, but YMC is giving us some trouble... We might have to scrape that.

Ah, I'm talking too much about myself again. Your room is now used as storage, because Minki can't sleep alone, remember? We didn't touch any of your things, so you can have fun dusting everything when you're back. We all miss you. It feels strange not seeing your face. We still go by the old duty roster but we forgot that you weren't around any more and left a bunch of clothes in the laundry basket on Tuesday (Do you remember? Tuesday is your laundry day.) Ah, we miss your nagging and cleaning too. Minki and Aron are actually quite clean now, but Dongho is Dongho and he will always be the same.

Minhyun-ah, I miss you. I miss the late night talks where I'll slip into your room and we'll talk, listening to Dongho punch his keyboard and create new songs, guessing what genre he's going with, listening out for Minki's and Aron's snores so we can go out and buy sundae together... I went with Dongho yesterday. He couldn't sleep either, with all that's been going on, but it didn't feel the same. I miss you. I miss dragging you to the gym even when you refuse, I miss waking you up by slamming the door wide open in the mornings, I miss you slamming my door open in the afternoon and asking me to play games with you. Aron-hyung opened my door the other day and I said: "No, Min." on instinct. The silence nearly killed me.

I miss writing songs with you. It's so easy to work with you, with me penning down lyrics and you composing and the both of us working together to create songs and poetry. It's strange. I'm the first trainee and you're the last, yet we're so close. Then again I suppose six years is a long time. 

Happy early birthday, Minhyun-ah. I miss you.

Love, 

Jonghyun

Minhyun shuts his eyes, letting the water well up and flow down his face. He misses his best friend too. Sniffling softly, he places the pills in his bag and goes through the arduous task of unwinding the metal chain. Everything's blurry through his tears, but he makes it work. Stringing the necklace around his neck, he tucks the letter under his pillow and turns away from everything. He stares into the wall of his bunk. It's a familiar sight, staring into a wall.

Six years ago, he studied a wall in a shoddy two room apartment shared by too many people. He was going to debut then, and he had been so excited, so sure of his future.

Three years ago, they tried a comeback. The night before, Jonghyun hugs him to sleep, curling him against the wall.

We'll succeed this time. I won't fail you again, I promise.

One month and three weeks ago, he had been staring at the wall again, talking to a sleepy Dongho and Seongwoo, praying for that final chance. Be careful what you wish for, Dongho had teased then. Minhyun presses his eyes shut, forcing his breathing to slow.

What is it like to be away from parts of your soul? He thinks he knows it now.

The loneliness eats him up inside.

When he wakes from an uneasy sleep, his eyes are crusted over with dried tears. He sits up, rubbing at his face. The crinkle of some paper gets his attention, and he pulls at the post it attached to his face.

Hyung, we are... outside. Act normal. 

Minhyun swings his feet off the mattress, hearing the springs squeak in protest. He opens the door, walking through the empty house. It's unnerving to pass by the silence. The house is almost always full of life and bustling. Now, he just feels like a stranger.

At the main door, he kicks off his house slippers and puts on the hot pink ones he brought over from his old dorm. Outside, the temperature is cool and the wind brushes against his cheeks. Seongwoo is leaning against the doorway to the stairwell, and Jaehwan and Jihoon are sitting on the floor. He spots him first, jumping slightly. 

"He woke up," he tells the stairwell, and Minhyun arranges his hair.

"What happened?" his voice is hoarse from disuse, and Jaehwan visibly winces at how he looks. There's a commotion, and then someone steps out of the door.

Minhyun blinks once. Blinks twice. He blinks three times, for good measure, yet his eyesight still seems to fail him.

It might be Jonghyun walking towards him. It might not be. He doesn't know if he's dreaming or if he's hallucinating, but he doesn't mind.

Fake-Jonghyun looks so happy. He's smiling and bubbly, grinning and waving at him as he comes. Then suddenly Fake-Jonghyun's face crumbles, and he looks so sad, and hurt. Fake-Jonghyun nears him, and then he slumps forward.

Minhyun catches him, and marvels at how his hands don't pass through him at all.

"Min," Fake-Jonghyun whispers, and Minhyun's hands come up to stroke his eyes. "Min, you look so sad."

"Are you real?" Minhyun asks in return, and Fake Jonghyun presses his forehead into his shoulder. "Are you my Jonghyun?"

"It's me., Jonghyun draws away, holding his hand. "See, Min? It's me."

"Jonghyun," he says the word, then again and again and again until the world is blurry and fuzzy at the edges. He's laughing and crying and hugging and holding and just-

Jonghyun.

"Oh, Jong," Minhyun mumbles. "Where have you been?"