Chapter Text
Josh hadn’t meant for it to happen like this.
He’d meant to talk to Jenna first, he’d meant to have her talk to Tyler; he’d meant to be in control of how and where and when.
He hadn’t meant for Tyler to encounter the situation alone.
It was two in the morning, and the soft motions of the bus hurtling through nowhere would usually have lulled him to sleep by now. But Josh had been awake for hours, letting the empty, silent dark of his bunk freeze him out of his own mind, constricting around his reality, until he had no choice but to detach.
More than once, he thought about calling Jenna. She wouldn’t mind being woken up to help him with this. She could probably help him better than anyone he knew - the same way she helped Tyler. The same way both of them did.
But the idea of Tyler needing him like that right now sent a lurch of guilt and anxiety through Josh’s stomach. Usually, the soft and needy presence of his and Jenna’s baby boy would comfort him, steady his heartbeat, slacken his muscles. But the thought of having to be in charge of anything right now just made him grow even smaller, shrinking further into an endless circle of vulnerability that had no center, nothing to hold on to.
All he wanted was something to hold onto.
Someone stirred below him, shadows suddenly dancing on the curtain that separated him from the aisle between bunks, and Josh felt his heart sink in his chest.
I can’t do it, he panicked internally, tears threatening his eyes. I can’t do it right now. He needs me, and I can’t…
“Dada?”
Tyler’s voice was soft with sleep, the curtain only serving to muffle it further. It was the same as any of their sleepless nights - Tyler always spoke just loud enough for Josh to hear him if he was awake, but not so loud to wake him up if he wasn’t.
If he didn’t say anything, if he stayed very still, Tyler might think he was asleep. But that thought alone was too much for Josh. How could he possibly explain to this sleepy, needy, little Tyler, that he couldn’t follow through with their usual routine?
He let out an involuntary whimper at the thought, and it was all over.
“Dada?” Tyler said again, pulling back the curtain slowly, evidently having heard enough to know that he was awake. “Can’t find my paci.”
Josh mustered up the energy to respond, hoping that it would come out as more than just a squeak.
“Mm, baby,” he strained. “Backpack.”
His eyes had adjusted to the dark enough to see that Tyler was wide eyed, lips parted and stuffed rabbit dangling from one hand. He was wearing one of Josh’s shirts.
“They’re in your backpack, Ty Ty,” Josh whispered again, every word taking an immense effort to choke out.
Tyler’s face fell, and Josh knew that he wasn’t being convincing enough
“Papaaa?” Tyler whispered, drawing out the syllables. He hunched down, leaning his torso into Josh’s bunk, rabbit and all. “What’s wrong?”
Josh just shook his head, breathing shakily but trying to smile.
“N-nothing, baby boy,” he squeaked.
Tyler just pouted, concern etched onto his face.
“You want me to find my paci? I can do it,” he promised. “Big boy.”
“Mmm,” Josh whimpered guiltily.
Tyler scurried away, and he heard his backpack unzipping, followed by a soft noise of triumph, and then he was back at Josh’s side. He pressed himself against the wall as Tyler climbed in, baby blue dino pacifier clutched in his fist.
“Joshie,” he whispered. ‘Are you okay?”
As much as he tried, Josh’s couldn’t get comforting words to pass his lips. The idea of being in any kind of control made his head spin.
“We can call Jenna,” he mumbled. “M sorry Ty, I…”
Tyler hooked his hand in the collar of Josh’s t-shirt, breathing through heavy parted lips and looking him directly in the eye.
“It’s okay, Joshie,” he said. “Love you anyway. I c’n be a big boy.”
Josh’s eyes watered.
“You don’t have to,” he urged, choking on his breath. “Jenna will pick up, you need…”
But he was cut off by Tyler wrapping clumsy arms around Josh’s neck, pressing his face in so that their noses were practically touching.
He could see the gears working behind Tyler’s eyes, fighting through the haze of little space, and Josh’s internal panic started to grow. Deep down he knew that Tyler wouldn’t run away from this, that he’d understand completely, and love him all the same. But he couldn’t help the tug at the back of his mind warning him that there was no going back at this. Tyler wouldn’t want the same things from him after seeing him like this.
But Tyler was pressing hands to his cheeks now, looking wide-eyed and earnest as ever.
“Joshie need to be little too?” he whispered.
Something inside Josh fell apart.
“We can call Jenna,” he said again, voice barely there. “We can…”
“Shhh, Joshie,” Tyler mumbled, wriggling closer and extracting his rabbit to make himself flush with Josh’s chest. “‘s okay, I promise. We can be snuggly together.”
“Mmn,” Josh agreed, tears finally falling. He let himself press his forehead into Tyler’s shoulder.
He’d never even imagined the idea of the two of them like this; little together, alone. If anything, he’d daydreamed about doing it with Jenna there, both of them vulnerable, but with a comforting presence to latch onto.
But even without an overseer, even without a layer of control, Josh found every bit of comfort he needed in the crook of Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler was just as small, just as needy - clumsy and cozy as ever - but he wasn’t asking anything of Josh. He was just letting Josh hold him, each of them taking comfort in the feeling of the other pressed against them.
Silent, small, and pacified, Josh held on.