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Hawke was tired of running. They’d spent the last three days running with almost no sleep, trekking into the mountains to hide.
Anders said little, if anything at all, and Hawke wasn’t exactly ready to give him the time of day.
The mage finally let out a groan and stopped to catch his breath. “...My love, I know we need to keep going but we need to stop and make up camp.”
Hawke stopped walking and turned to face his lover, trying to calm his furrowed brows before meeting Anders’ eyes. “You’re right. I’m sorry, I’m pushing us too hard.”
Anders’ expression softened and he offered a gentle smile.“Just up ahead seems good? I’ll collect some wood for a fire.”
Hawke nodded as Anders went ahead of him and set his pack on the ground before setting off into the trees to collect some wood.
Hawke lowered himself onto a log and put his face in his hands. What was he doing? How could he stand up against everyone like that, defend Anders when he’d...murdered so many people? How could Anders look him in the face for three years and tell him he loved him and know this was going to happen?
The lump in Hawke’s throat told him all he needed to know. Now that he was on the run with Anders, he was a fugitive, Champion or no. He’d made his choice. He had to stick by it.
Anders didn’t disturb Hawke when he returned, leaving his lover to muse while he set up camp.
Eventually, Anders sat next to Hawke on the log and nudged him gently. “Hawke? Did you want to have something to eat? I found some apples while I was looking for wood.”
Hawke sighed, lifting his head out from his hands, his head heavy with sorrow. He turned and met Anders’ eyes. Hawke didn’t even feel like his own person, he felt so conflicted about all of this. Here was Anders, who up until a few days ago was the ever-faithful love of his entire life, and he’d betrayed him. Betrayed them all.
“How long had you been cooking up that plan, Anders?” Hawke whispered.
Anders broke the eye contact and sighed. “A long time.”
“While… I courted you?” Hawke asked, feeling his heart tighten when Anders nodded.
“I’m sorry,” Anders replied, twisting his fingers together. “I’ve loved you since I met you, and continue to do so. You’re my entire world, you know that. But this...was bigger than all of us. I still can’t believe you’re standing by me.”
“...Neither can I,” Hawke murmured.
Anders nodded. “I expect you will be angry with me for some time, if not for the rest of our lives together, but… I’m glad you’re here.” He offered Hawke a gentle smile, his eyes hopeful. A real smile. Hawke wanted to punch the smile off his face, and then kiss it better. He wanted to go to a week ago before this happened, before Anders planted the bomb, he wanted to go to that night they’d made love all night and Anders had told him he loved him over and over and that he’d never leave him, and that they could face the world together.
It was the next day he’d asked for help finding the ingredients for his ‘plan.’
The entire time they’d been together the night prior, it had been on Anders’ mind. And he still had said nothing to Hawke about it. He hadn’t trusted him with his plan.
Hawke chewed on his bottom lip, unsure of what to say. So he said nothing and nodded in response, taking an apple from the three Anders held in his lap.
He said little else for most of the evening, watching the fire crackle in front of them. Feeling numb, he stoked the fire and added some more logs. There was no one to keep watch, just the two of them, and he intended for both of them to get some rest.
Anders had been sitting in front of the fire for a long time in silence, when Hawke approached him, brushing his fingers over Anders’ shoulder.
“Let’s go to bed,” Hawke said softly. Anders looked up at Hawke, surprised.
“...Really?”
Hawke nodded, extending his hand to help Anders off the ground.
“Are you...sure?” Anders asked. Hawke sighed.
“I’m not sure of anything,” he replied, leaning his forehead forward to rest against Anders’ own.
“One thing is certain,” Anders whispered.
“You love me,” Hawke said. “That I am certain of.” He reached for Anders’ hand and pulled him into the tent.
Hawke didn’t feel a thing while he made love to Anders, just numbness, an emotional void. It didn’t seem to translate, however, because Anders was full of emotion, tears in his eyes as he repeated his familiar words, a vow.
Hawke closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Anders’ collarbone, internally telling himself to snap out of it. He needed to focus. He opened his eyes and lifted his face, meeting Anders’ eyes.
“I love you too,” he whispered, bringing Anders forward into a deep kiss.
Anders fell asleep next to him a little while later, a soft smile on his lips as Hawke brought his cloak over his shoulders.
Hawke sat in the dim light of the tent for a long time, watching Anders breathe until tears poured over his cheeks.
His hand did not tremble as he reached for his dagger.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you,” he whispered, sliding the blade across Anders’ throat. Anders woke with a start, looking on Hawke’s face, and offered a smile of relief, of gratitude as he passed into the Fade.
Hawke sobbed over his body until morning.
--
The Champion of Kirkwall dug a grave and buried his lover’s lifeless body in it, marking the grave with a stone, no way of knowing who was buried beneath, save for a small gold ring Hawke placed on top of the stone, a ring he’d been keeping in his pocket at all times in preparation for whenever he deemed the appropriate moment.
He didn’t need it anymore.