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People had always looked up to Asgore. He represented their hope to get out of the Underground. He had learned to hide how he really felt. He could not be weak in front of his people. They needed him to be strong. Now that they were on the surface, he had kept doing that, even with his lover. He acted like nothing was wrong even when he was hurting. But Gaster could see through that. He quickly noticed the change in his mate. The scientist saw that his smiles were not genuine. He saw that he slept less. He saw that his eyes were red from crying.
Unfortunately, he knew what was happening. He could not really do something about it. No one could do something about it. It was impossible to change the past and it was impossible to bring someone back from the dead.
Like every year, came the anniversary of Chara and Asriel’s death.
Gaster did not know the two children well. When they were alive, he was not really close to the royal family. Just like all the monsters, he had mourned them though. But, just like the other monsters, it was the hope that he really mourned. These two children had represented the hope of a new future. The hope that humans and monsters could get along and after the war, this idea was reassuring. But that hope had died with them. After that, he had learned to know Asgore more. However, he fell into the core before the first anniversary of their death.
This meant that he never really saw Asgore grieving. He had never been there to help him through this. Neither as a friend or as a lover.
It was not only with Asgore. Gaster never dealt with grief. Apart from his sons, he had never been close enough to someone to really care. It was the first time that he had to support someone mourning. In his scientist mind, death was a part of life. They were dead, you are alive and if you want to stay alive, you move on. He did not believe in some kind of heaven or a better place for the dead. They just ceased to exist. But… He could not say that to Asgore. He truly wanted to help him. If Asgore needed to believe that they were happier somewhere else, then he will believe in that too. And he will be there for him.
He knew that Asgore never really moved on. He understood. He, himself, would never moved on if his two sons died. It was like losing a part of yourself that will never come back. Most of time, Asgore was okay. He lived his life and was happy. But at the current time, Gaster felt like he was still mourning.
Willing to help, he tried to do some research on mourning. He wished to provide all the help he could. But in the end all Gaster could do was be there for his lover. He had been more present than usual, slowing down a little with his experiments. He had tried to show that he loved him. Unfortunately, he did not know the kids well enough to talk about happy memories. So he said nothing. He was not even certain that Asgore understood that he was more gentle than usual because of this sad anniversary coming. The king never talked clearly about it. he must have thought that Gaster had forgotten. But he had not. If it was important to Asgore than it was important to Gaster.
Eventually, the day came. Gaster specially took a day off. He did not want Asgore to go to the graveyards alone. He was his mate and he had to be with him. They were together on the happy moments but they were also together on the difficult moments. He knew that Asgore needed him. He was not going to walk out on him.
Gaster looked at himself in the mirror. Usually, he liked to wear black. But today it was different. Today he wore black because it represent grief.
He was not startled to see Asgore suddenly entering in their bedroom. The king was already wearing a black suit. When he was not wearing his king’s attire, he preferred colorful clothes. It was strange to see him dressed like this.
“What are you doing?” Asgore asked, truly surprised.
Gaster was supposed to work today. Why was he here? He must have forget something at home.
“I’m coming with you.” Gaster answered as if it was natural. And in his eyes it was.
Asgore was not expecting this. It was just that he had been alone on that day for so long… He had not even thought Gaster would want to accompagne him. He did not ask by fear of refusal. But he should have known that his lover would always be there for him. This relationship was still new. It felt weird to not be alone.
He weakly smiled at his mate. He was truly happy that Gaster went with him, but today he felt like he was not able of really smiling. And without words, the scientist understood. He nodded and spoke about something else.
“Why are we going so late by the way?”
“Toriel visits them today as well.” He explained. “Our relationship is still very tense and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable so… I wait a little and visit them when I know that she is gone.”
“Wait.” Gaster looked confused. “Do you mean that you always visit them alone?”
He always thought that despite their broken relationship, they, at least, were together on today of all days. Who could understand better how he felt? And no one should be alone on the anniversary of their children’s death.
Asgore nodded silently.
Gaster cursed himself and the void. He should have been there. And he was not because he was stuck into the void. It was heartbreaking to imagine his mate, all alone with his grief, facing his two children’s graves.
He moved towards Asgore and hugged him.
“I’m here now.” He held him tighter, just to let him feel that he was not going anywhere. “I’m here.” This time he would not be alone. He would support him. He was here.
It was the first time that Gaster came to their tombstone. There was already a lot of flowers, proof that they were not the first to come here. Still, he put down his own bouquet. Asgore had not brought one. He only brought a small water can to water some golden flowers. Gaster idly thought that he must be the one who planted them.
They were silent for a few minutes. And Gaster stayed silent as Asgore started to sob. Just the thought of his sons dying broke his heart. He could not imagine the pain Asgore carried. He desperately wanted to help him but he was lost. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? Was there anything to say? He felt helpless. He could not change the past. He hoped that just being next to him would help. He listened too, without saying a thing. The words that Asgore spoke were not for him. It was memories he did not know about. There was nothing to say, he could only listen.
He felt this indescribable sorrow through their soul bond. He could send some happiness through that bound. It would help Asgore feel better. But he did not. Gaster understood that he needed to express that sorrow. He could not keep it inside forever. Crying and being sad were good, they helped with moving on.
After a long moment, and a whispered “good bye” to the tomstone, Asgore spoke to him.
“I need… to visit someone else.”
When he saw that guilt in his eyes, Gaster immediately knew who he was talking about. The six fallen human. They had been buried here too. And for some reason, Asgore felt like he had to visit them too. The scientist did not really understand why. But it would not prevent him from supportting him anyway.
“Okay.” With that, he took his lover’s hand in his own. He silently said that he was not alone. He was going to go with him.
“You don’t have too. You can wait here. I…” Gaster saw that he tried to hold back his tears, without really succeeding. “I would understand.”
No. He did not understand. And that was sad. Gaster thought. He gently cupped Asgore’s cheek but the king avoided his gaze.
“Darling, look at me please.” He gently asked. He did not want to upset his lover any further. However, Asgore needed to hear this. After a few seconds, he eventually looked into the scientist’s eyes. All the love he saw, made him wonder what he did deserve it.
“Could you remind me what you told me about my experiments. My illegals and dangerous experiments that almost killed me and left my sons orphans for years”
It was at the very start of their relationship. Gaster was still getting used to being alive again. It was hard but everyone was here for him. He could not understand why. He was only a fool who caused his own demise and left his sons without a father. He just never said it outloud. Until, one day, he broke down before Asgore. Through his sobbing, he asked how someone could love him. He said that maybe he should have stayed in the void. It would have been better for everyone. But Asgore had not let him finish that thought.
“I said that… I know what you’ve done and it doesn’t change my feelings for you. I love you, and I’m going to be with you as long as you need me.” He whispered, as he remembered that moment.
The words were still etched in his soul. They meant a lot to him. Asgore did not judge him. He did not ignore his past or acted like it never happened. He accepted it. He accepted it and he still loved him. He wanted to move on with him.
How could Asgore think that it would be different for him?
“Asgore, I know what you’ve done and it doesn’t change my feelings for you.” He slowly repeated. Because those words were true for him too. “I love you, and I’m gonna be with you as long as you need me.” He let the words sink in for a second. “I’m not leaving you alone.” He firmly added.
He did not know how to help him and he wished that he could do more. But he knew one thing for sure. He was not leaving him alone. Asgore had been alone with his guilt and pain for too long. Now he was here with him, and he was not letting go.
Asgore nodded. He said nothing but Gaster could see the words helped.
Hand in hand, they visited the tombstones of the six fallen humans. The ones that Asgore had to kill.
Gaster actually never saw their graves. He knew their names and how they looked like before though. Asgore never forget them. Sometimes, he would talk about them. He would complain how he knew nothing about them. And Gaster listened. He could said nothing. He knew that nothing he would say could erase that guilt he was feeling.
For each graves, there was a little pot of golden flowers. The scientist noticed that they were in a good state. Asgore must pass through here often to water them. He disliked the idea of his mate alone with his past. He should have been there he repeated to himself.
“I’m sorry.” The king whispered to every tombstone. “I’m sorry.”
He squeezed Asgore’s hand tighter. He was silently crying too. He had been ready to support his mate. But he hadn’t been expecting to feel this much sorrow for people he never knew. Maybe it was the atmosphere that made him more sensible. Or maybe it was the pain of his mate that affected him so deeply.
Once they finished, Asgore softly wiped off the tears of his lover.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have…”
“Don’t finish that sentence. I’m happy if I was able to help you, even a little.”
Asgore could not lie. It did help. It did not ease the guilt. But it made him feel less miserable. Having Gaster next to him reassured him. Gaster saw his answer on his face.
“Then I’m coming with you from now on.” He said. “If you need to come here, just tell me and I will come with you. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Let’s go home.”
Gaster teleported them back home. Asgore did not had the time to do anything as Gaster immediately sat him down on the couch and covered him with a blanket.
“Do you want tea?”
Asgore nodded. “But I can…”
“No. Don’t move, I’m taking care of this.”
Gaster went into the kitchen, leaving him alone for a second. He liked cooking. To him, it was bit like science and he often cooked with Papyrus. But he actually never made tea. He prefered coffee. He knew how to do it and he saw Asgore do it many time but he never tried. He slowly breathed. Okay. It was just tea. There was no way he would failed that. He was nervous because he wanted it to be perfect.
He quickly made the tea. He did not want Asgore to be alone for too long. He wondered if his rushing spoiled the tea.
But, Asgore gently smiled at him as he took a sip of it.
“It’s really good, thank you.”
Gaster knew that it was not as good as Asgore’s tea. But he truly tried his best and made it with love. After being with Asgore he had learned that sometimes, it was enough.
“Do you need something else?”
Gaster preferred to ask and maybe being a little annoying. Because he knew Asgore would never say anything on his own. He was probably thinking that he had already bothered him enough. It will take time, but he will learn that he did not bother him.
Asgore shook his head. Gaster glared at him for a second. He wanted to be certain that he was not lying. He was not. Maybe he will need something later. But for now, he truly just wanted to rest a bit.
Gaster sat down next to him.
“Do you want to talk about them?” He softly asked.
About Chara and Asriel or about the fallen human. It did not mattered. He would listen anyway. If Asgore needed to talk, he would listen.
“Not now.”
Later then. Because he knew that at some point he would need to talk.
For now, he only cuddled against Asgore. Taking care of your loved one was really weary. Don’t get him wrong, he did not regret a second of it. He only wished that he was better at it. He was aware that it was often Asgore taking care of him and more rarely the contrary.
However, they had not been together for long. Some things were still new. But he hoped that it will become an habit.
“I love you.” Gaster suddenly said, as he closed his eyes and he snuggled his mate more.
“Tell me if you need something.” He added.
Asgore smiled a little. It was not a big smile but it was already something.
“Thank you for being there.” He answered.
“Please, never forget that you are not alone.”
Asgore had been alone for a long time, after Toriel left. But today, despite this sad anniversary, he truly realised that he was not alone anymore.
“I won’t.”