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Abed looks so utterly exhausted that Troy feels like crying. For the third time today. The first was because they’d run out of milk and the second…well, Troy was just feeling overwhelmed and he couldn’t find Abed so he’d broken down in the men’s room with Jeff awkwardly patting his back.
“Where’s Abed?” He’d sobbed and Jeff had muttered something about “telling him…no one cares…” that Troy didn’t quite understand.
Now, Troy is the comforter. Abed doesn’t cry. Troy has only seen him cry once. But Abed has something different to crying; he has this blank stare and frozen body and the silence that lasted for days.
Troy is loud. Abed is quiet.
“Hey, buddy,” Troy says gently, moving slowly towards his best friend in order not to spook him. He rests a hand on his shoulder and Abed looks up at him. “Can I join you?” He asks because he knows that permission is essential when it comes to making Abed feel better.
“Of course you can,” Abed replies but his voice dips at the end. Then he sniffs and Troy knows that something is wrong. Really, really wrong.
Troy sits next to his friend on the sofa and wraps an arm around Abed’s shoulder, tentatively. Abed leans into his touch and a sigh escapes his lips. He looks relieved as he looks at Troy, nodding slightly. Troy knows what he’s trying to say. Thank you. I need this. Please stay. Because, as much as people categorise Abed as a robot, he still needs human contact and love.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Not really.” Abed hesitates. “I don’t want to say it but you can guess, if you want?”
“Okay.” Troy tries to think what would make Abed this upset. Not one of his usual breakdowns about unanswerable questions or something that doesn’t make sense. Troy’s used to that; he offers food and Inspector Spacetime. This is something that TV won’t fix. “Is it…did someone die? Is it your dad?”
“No-one died,” Abed says but Troy feels him stiffen, flinch away from the last question.
“Your dad,” Troy says. “Is he okay?” Abed chuckles but it’s not with his usual humour. It sounds too sarcastic, too…Jeff. When Abed plays Jeff, it means that he’s trying to close himself off from emotion. Troy resists the urge to hug Abed. He can’t do anything more than this until he knows what’s wrong. “Did he…did your dad hurt you in any way?” He knows about his dad’s short temper and feels his chest tighten as he thought about…Abed nods. “I swear to God, Abed, I will kill him. What did he do?” He sits back and examines Abed’s body, face. He looks uninjured but he’s wearing a long-sleeved sweater. Troy has to stop himself from pulling on Abed’s clothes to find the injury and…what?
He can’t make it better. He can’t find the injury and yell Aha! and heal it and everything will be okay again.
“Not physical hurt,” Abed says, sensing Troy’s anger bubbling up.
“What did he do? What happened?”
“I told him that I didn’t plan on moving out of this apartment. That we were thinking of staying here forever.” Abed gulps and Troy can see the trauma in his eyes as he remembers. “Dad said some things about…about why I would want to stay here. Why we’d…”
“What did he say?”
“He said that he didn’t raise a faggot son. And when I said that I wasn’t gay, he said that he knows I am and he said some other bad things about gay people and…then, I wanted to annoy him. I wanted a movie-style confession. So I told him that I did like boys. That way. And he kicked me out of his house. Told me that he never wanted to see me again. Told me that I wasn’t…wasn’t his son anymore.”
Troy leaps up off the seat. Abed looks up at him, eyes wide with shock and hurt. Troy instantly sees what Abed thinks and shakes his head. “No, no, Abed,” he murmurs and sits back down, a comforting hand on his friend’s back. “I’m not…I don’t care about you liking boys. You’re my best friend and I…I’ll love you no matter what, okay? But he…he has no right saying that. That’s why I’m mad. At him, not you. Never you.”
Abed smiles softly. “Thank you,” he says. “I was worried what you would think.”
“Hey, I’m not one to judge.” Troy beams at him. “I love you, Abed.”
Abed has never said it back. Troy says it at least once a day, even when he’s mad or annoyed, but Abed never says it back. Troy doesn’t mind. It’s just an Abed quirk. But now Abed’s smile grows and he rests a hand on Troy’s shoulder. “I love you, too,” he says. “So much.”
Troy’s heart does a leap in his chest and he ignores it, instead reaching over to give Abed a tight hug. There’s a collective aww from the door and they jump apart, guiltily, and sheepishly smile at the study group. The girls have their hands to their hearts, eyes soft.
“That’s nice,” Shirley says.
“Yeah, it is,” Troy says and grins at Abed before leaping up to grab the TV remote. “Now, who wants to watch Harry Potter?”
Everyone assumes they are dating.
Troy and Abed don’t know it yet but since last week, the study group are waiting for their coming out announcement.
Shirley is dropping heavy hints and clues about Jesus welcoming all into Heaven. Annie is trying to catch them out in the apartment, sneaking around and jumping out at them. Britta is making even more comments about pride and representation. Pierce is being shushed violently whenever he says that something is gay. Jeff doesn’t care.
“I’ve known for years,” he says whenever the others ask him why he isn’t surprised. “Remember when Troy was dating Britta and kept blowing her off for Abed?”
Britta scowls at the reminder but admits that it makes sense.
It’s at a study group session when it all comes out. So to speak.
The dean has just left, with a lingering touch to Jeff’s arm, and they’re about to resume studying when Britta clears her throat and gives Jeff a meaningful look.
He rolls his eyes, puts his book down and starts with the pre-planned opener the others had persuaded him to say. “Troy, Abed,” he begins, “we wanted you to know that we know.”
“You know what?” Troy says, feigning ignorance but his eyes dart to Abed. Abed glances back at him. It’s entirely possible that they heard Abed’s confession and hadn’t mentioned it until now.
“That night when we came into the apartment and…and Abed said I love you,” Britta says. Pierce opens his mouth and Shirley kicks him under the table. “We just want you to know that we support the two of you.”
“Good because if any of you said anything bad about Abed, I would…” Troy freezes. “Wait, the two of us?”
“Yeah.” Annie’s patience runs out. “We know you two are dating!”
“Gay!” Pierce exclaims to a general chorus of Pierce!
“We’re okay with it,” Jeff hastily says. “We all kinda guessed that you liked each other. It’s…”
“Nice,” Shirley concludes and the others nod.
Troy stares at the others, missing Abed’s fearful expression. “We’re not dating!” Troy snaps, a little too harshly, and Abed stands up, knocking his chair over. Troy tries to back-peddle as he sees the look on Abed’s face. “Not that it’s such a stupid suggestion,” he says. “I…Abed is my best friend.”
“Nothing more?” Britta pushes and he frowns at her. “Sorry.”
But while he’s distracted with the implications of their words, he doesn’t manage to grab Abed quick enough as he runs out of the room.
Troy finds him in a hidden corner of the campus, in a supply closet with a few spare books and pens lying around. He knows this is Abed’s thinking spot and is hesitant to invade his privacy but the others have told him what he needs to say. And he needs to say things that he didn’t even know he thought about. But it turns out that he does think about things like that and it makes his insides squirm.
He knocks on the door. “It’s me,” he says. “Troy.”
“I know. You can come in.” The door opens with a squeak and Troy peers in. “Shut it behind you,” Abed instructs and Troy does, so. Troy sits down, keeping an inch or two between them at all times. Abed moves closer and presses against his side, warmth spreading all through Troy’s body.
“I need to tell you something,” Troy says. He thinks over what he was told to say but it doesn’t seem right. I like you, romantically. That isn’t…it isn’t them. Troy has only just become aware that he feels that way, and although it’s nice to finally put a name to how Abed makes him feel, it’s not what he wants to say. He’s aware that the silence has stretched on for too long and continues. “I don’t know how to say it.”
“It’s okay, Troy. I know that…the study group assuming that we’re dating was embarrassing for you, wasn’t it?”
“No, no, it wasn’t embarrassing!” Troy struggles, again, to find the right words. “You’re…I love you,” he says.
“As a friend.”
“Yes, as a friend, and as more.”
“A best friend?”
“No, Abed! As more than any kind of friend. Or as…I love you as a…a maybe, possible boyfriend?”
“A maybe, possible boyfriend.” Abed’s voice is flat, emotionless. Troy starts to think that he’s made a mistake and his heart squeezes tight. “You want to be my boyfriend?”
“Yes. Please.”
Abed laughs, a full-bodied laugh that makes Troy’s heart melt. “Cool. Cool, cool, cool.”
“Does that mean we’re…” Troy stumbles on the word. “Dating?”
“The study group will be pleased.”
Troy laughs and finds Abed’s hand in the dark. “Can I kiss you?” He whispers because this seems like a whispering moment. A romantic movie moment. Abed doesn’t respond but moves slightly so he’s sitting on Troy’s lap. The sudden movement has Troy breathless and desperately trying not to cry.
But, of course, Abed reads his mind.
“I don’t mind if you cry.”
“Later,” Troy says and suddenly understands what Jeff’s muttering was about, a week ago when Troy wanted Abed. Just tell him. No-one cares. They didn’t care, in the best way, and they did care, also in the best way. “You’re my family,” Troy says because he remembers that Abed’s dad cares in the worst possible way.
Troy lifts his hands up to touch Abed’s face and feels his way to Abed’s mouth. Once he’s sure that he’s correctly located it, he leans forward and kisses him. Abed kisses back and all of Troy’s doubt melts away. This is how it should be for them. No public confessions, no-one watching and cheering.
Just Troy and Abed.