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Jim fumbled with the cap on the bottle, letting it drop to the floor as he tilted his head back and let the booze burn a trail down his throat. He kept drinking, ignoring the bitter taste of it as much as he could. Out in space the supplies on hand were limited and what Scotty’s best concoctions lacked in taste they by far made up in kick.
He was halfway through the bottle, alcohol spilling past his lips as he drank too fast, when he heard a familiar voice outside the door. Jim had locked himself up in Bones office, having found the inconspicuous looking bottle among a collection in his friend's desk. Jim had his own in his quarters in a basket at the back of his closet.
Even from the office Jim heard the doors to medical whoosh open, probably convenient for when Bones had paperwork, and heard Spock address Bones “The Captain has not arrived at his quarters even though he was admitted to medical approximately six hours and twenty three minutes ago. “
“Imagine that.” Bones sounded as patient as he usually did with Spock, which was not at all.
“Given your past actions in reference to Captain Kirk being injured I was lead to believe you had yet to release him. Yet, it seems for once he has listened to your advice and decided to stay.”
He was already starting to sound put out and Kirk snorted. He wiped a hand across his mouth before folding himself back against the wall, sinking to the floor. His ribs screamed at the movement, still healing from his latest capture on what had turned out to be a decidedly unfriendly planet. They were the reason he had been in medical when the news had come, Bones offering him the use of his office so he didn’t have to force himself to walk down the halls of the ship to his quarters.
Jim still had a grip on the bottle and brought it to his mouth absentmindedly as he listened to Bones and Spock talk about him.
“I haven’t released him yet.” Bones voice was gruff, loyally not giving anything away and Jim smiled despite himself.
“Yet, I do not see him anywhere.” Oh yeah, Spock was definitely starting to get annoyed.
“Maybe he’s in the bathroom.” Jim closed his eyes, smile slipping from his lips as he let the bottle fall empty as he let it fall to his side. He dug his hand into his hair and pulled hard, fighting back a scream, his eyes stinging and wet.
“I shall wait then.” Jim heard the sound of a chair being pulled across the floor.
“You do that.” Bones voice got closer and Jim opened his eyes as the door was quickly opened and closed behind him. If it had been anyone else Jim would have screamed at the pity in Bones’ eyes as he looked down at Jim and the empty bottle beside him. Instead, the fist around his heart gripped tighter. A warm weight settled beside him and Bones was pulling a hypo out of his pocket. “You can’t hide in here forever, Jim.”
Jim turned his head to the side, not even wincing at the sting in his skin, knowing this would keep him from having one hell of a hangover in the morning and his ribs that had been kicked repeatedly before all this were already aching a little less. He’d aggravated them again when he’d scrambled out of the bio bed to hide in Bones office.
“I know.” He let his head fall back against the wall. Jim looked towards the door knowing past it Spock was waiting. He wondered who else had heard and how long it would take for the information to pass across the ship. The walk back to his quarters was suddenly looking a lot tougher than it had before.
He closed his eyes again and tried to ignore the hollowness in his chest that had started to grow the second he’d read the missive from Starfleet, stating their condolences at the sudden passing of one Wionna Kirk.
All because of a sudden malfunction on the ship she was on, an accident.
Jim didn’t know how much time had passed. Bones, with a squeeze of his shoulder, had long since left his spot on the floor to do some actual work. Jim’s eyes had started to ache from the tears he couldn’t fight back no matter how hard he tried. He’d gotten shakily to his feet, knowing there was no way to hide the redness and opened the door.
Medical was strangely deserted expect for a nurse who carefully avoided looking at him as opposed to Bones who looked like he was pretending to check charts as he watched him like a hawk. Then, of course there was also Spock. Who had immediately risen from the chair he’d been sitting in, eyes scanning Jim’s face.
“Who has the Con?” Kirk asked, surprised at how steady his voice sounded.
“I believe Lieutenant Uhura, I can inquire if you’d like.” Spock answered ever the professional when Jim needed it the most.
“No.” Kirk waved him away giving Bones a nod of thanks as he moved to the door. Spock of course fell in step beside him. “That’s fine, what’s our course?”
Four years into a five year mission meant there was not a damn thing he could have done. Jim ignored the stares as they walked, spin straightening as he focused on what Spock was saying.
“We’ve been tasked to explore an uninhabited planet to discover if it contains any useful minerals to the Federation. Lieutenant Sulu believes we should reach our destination within the end of the week.”
They reached the door to his quarters and it was a relief, he could feel the eyes on him as they had walked. The news had definitely traveled, some had tried to mask the concern and pity, some hadn’t even bothered and it was just as bad as he’d expected it to be. With a little more force than necessary Jim punched in his code.
“Captain…” He was already stepping into his room when Spock’s voice changed “Jim.”
Jim turned, suddenly feeling tired and ready for the day to be over. He would have to call Sam and see what kind of arrangements needed to be made. There was no way he’d be able to make the funeral in person.
“I would like to offer my condolences.” Spock actually fidgeted, looking uncertain.
It had been years since he looked this uncomfortable in Jim’s quarters. Late night chess matches had turned into early morning debates. They’d shared meals in Jim’s bed and spent more time in it off duty than they did anywhere else. That time wasn’t always spent sleeping and Jim’s quarters had started to change to suit Spock more. So seeing him look so out of place didn’t work for Jim.
“Condolences accepted,” Jim said. Not ready to face the tasks that were ahead of him and not wanting to be alone, he added, “Spock, you can stay if you want.”
“I would not like to intrude.” Spock was obviously being cautious with him.
Jim’s fingers itched to reach for him so he did, wrapping a hand around Spock’s wrist and pulling him forward, letting the door close behind him.
“I want you here,” Jim admitted already, pushing Spock to the bed as he pulled of his uniform. The ache in his ribs at been dulled but it was still there, something Jim was suddenly grateful for, letting it ground him as he pushed Spock down and collapsed beside him.
He closed his eyes, repeating his invitation. “I want you here.”
Spock’s fingers curled around his and his warmth surrounded him. “I shall stay,” he promised and Jim breathed, letting exhaustion pull him down.