Chapter Text
Nothing was wrong. No really, nothing. But… Maybe everything?
Jeongguk wasn’t really sure anymore. The day had started out fine, even good.
It started with loud voices from the kitchen, because apparently Namjoon had been in the kitchen trying to make breakfast and Seokjin caught him. Jin had not been pleased, and had just begun berating his donsaeng, something about “not wanting to clean up his mess,” and “endangering the human population,” when Jeongguk had emerged from his bedroom and joined the 95-liners, who were peering around the corner of the hallway into the kitchen, trying to muffle their laughter.
Rare as it was, seeing the leader being berated by the eldest was something that never failed to draw amusement from the rest of the members. So yes, the day started out good. No schedules, just time to catch up on sleep, dramas, and extra practice time if need be.
But as the day went on, Jeongguk felt the familiar hyperactivity kick up in his brain. There were just too many thoughts. It wasn't a bad anxiety day, not by a long shot. But it wasn't good either.
And after the events of yesterday, he was pretty sure he knew why.
After all his hard efforts, his hyungs knew. They knew. And the darkness of the thoughts rolling through his brain was absolutely exhausting. It was just a bad headspace.
So he quietly excused himself to his room, missing the concerned looks his hyungs shot each other.
When he got to his and Namjoon's bedroom Jeongguk immediately pulled out his phone and headphones, pulling up his anxiety playlist and throwing himself onto the bed. He closed his eyes as the first song, Stigma, thumped into his ears.
The music worked almost as a sort of detox agent, giving him something soothing to focus on instead of what was going on inside his head, inside his body. His playlist, simply titled with three black hearts, moved from the quietest, most soothing songs, up to soothing, yet slightly more upbeat songs.
He always turned up the volume loud, drowning himself in the beat, so it was understandable for him to not hear the door opening. When the bed sunk down under the weight of someone, he flinched and shot up, breathing heavily, only to flop back down when he saw Taehyung's signature boxy grin directed his way.
"So what're you listening to Kook?" And before Jeongguk could stop him, his youngest hyung had picked up his phone and was now looking at him with a smirk and raised eyebrows. Jeongguk groaned.
"Ahh, so the great golden maknae is listening to my song? I'm absolutely honored," Taehyung dramatically bowed to an imaginary audience and the younger couldn't stop the smile that curled up his lips.
Taehyung started thumbing through the songs, dodging all of Jeongguk's efforts to snatch his phone away. "Sheesh, Gguk-ah. What's up with all the sad, slow songs?"
Jeongguk finally managed to grab his phone back and ignored the older's question, but Taehyung was not to be deterred. "No seriously, I know you do enjoy slower songs, but that playlist is just depressing. You need some good jams!"
Jeongguk sighed. There was no way out of this one. "It's my anxiety playlist, Tae," he muttered without looking up, scrolling back up to the beginning of the playlist and selecting the second song. When there was no typical response of, "yah, I'm not Park Jimin, where's my 'hyung,'" he looked up, only to see Taehyung looking like a kicked puppy.
"Sorry Kook, I didn't know... I didn't mean anything by it," Taehyung said quietly.
Jeongguk huffed out a sigh. Nothing had been said on the subject for the past twenty-four hours, so he wasn't quite sure what to think. He didn't want them all to walk on eggshells around it though, that's for sure. "Hyung, it's fine. I know you didn't, and that's fine. You've all only known about this for a little over a day, and I haven't told any of you about what I'm... going through, I guess?"
Taehyung shifted uncomfortably and his voice seemed to somehow soften even more. "That's... that's kinda why I'm in here Kookie." Jeongguk's head snapped up to look at his hyung, who was looking at him carefully. "The hyungs, well, and me honestly, well not honestly, that sounds bad, I mean we all-"
Jeongguk interrupted Taehyung's nervous rambing. "What is it, Tae?" His hands were shaking a bit. See, that's it, they don't want you here, they were just trying to make you feel better, you're too much of a liability now-
Evidently Taehyung noticed. "Yah, yah Kook-ah!" He gripped Jeongguk's arms tightly and looked him dead in the eye. "Nothing's wrong, okay? I was just trying, and failing, to say that we wanted to talk to you about that. The fact that we don't really know what's going on, I mean. And the rest of the members asked me to come ask you if you would mind having a... powwow I guess? We aren't going to let you just shrink back into yourself and avoid getting us involved, like you always do. So.... Are you in an okay place to do that?"
Jeongguk hesitated, seeing nothing but sincerity in the older's eyes.
"And don't feel pressured. If you aren't ready right now we don't have to, but we are going to soon -"
"No, no, Tae... It's okay," he took a deep breath. "You guys deserve to understand. And... It'd probably be healthier if I talked about it, in all honesty? Just... It's gonna be kinda hard to talk about."
"And that's okay. We're all going to be here to support you. Now let's go talk to hyungs."
Taehyung stood up, reaching down to pull Jeongguk up as well, using their linked hands to pull him towards the living room. The fact that Jeongguk was gripping his hand back, let alone even continuing to hold his hand, just went to show how nervous the younger was.
In the living room, the five other boys were sitting in a ring on the floor. Taehyung tugged him to the farthest side, never letting go of his hand, and sat him down in between himself and Jimin, who sent him a soft, comforting smile and reached out to link his fingers with Jeongguk's unoccupied hand. And if either of the 95-liners were surprised by the tight grip the youngest maintained, neither commented on it.
Namjoon was the first to speak. "Jeongguk, we... We wanted to just sit down and talk about what's going on. Because obviously we're missing something big here, and it'd not only be helpful to us, but I think it could be really beneficial for you as well. Obviously the rest of us have dealt with being anxious or worried or stressed to the point of a breakdown before; it kind of comes with the lifestyle we live. But Yoongi-hyung is the only one here who's gone through an anxiety disorder before, so we don't really know what this is like for you, and we want to be able to help you through it."
The leader nodded at Yoongi, who looked around at each of them before landing his gaze on Jeongguk.
"When I was in high school, I went through a period of depression. I know you all know this because we've discussed it before, and I talked about it in the mixtape and all that, but I wanted to mention it again to explain. It was a dark, dark headspace, and because it scared me, I found myself having anxiety attacks at random times. I don't think ever to the extent of yours, kid," he nodded at Jeongguk. "But they were pretty bad. Luckily for me I had a friend who'd gone through the same thing as me and helped me build a coping system. It was only about a year-long period, and it was the worst year of my life. I honestly don't know how you've managed it on your own Gguk."
The rapper's eyes were squinted at the youngest in concern, and Jeongguk felt himself shrink away from the attention straight into Jimin, who curled his body around the younger instinctively.
This time Seokjin was the one to speak up. "All we want to do is help you Gguk-ah, okay? But to do that, we need to know what's going on in your head. So, we thought we could all sit down and talk about triggers, coping mechanisms, all that kind of stuff. Is that okay?"
Jeongguk nodded slowly.
Namjoon again. "Alright. So... I'm not entirely sure how to go about this. Whatever feels comfortable, I suppose? Maybe start with telling us about your experience with anxiety and we can work on coming up with a system of how you can alert us if something's up?"
Jeongguk took a shaky breath, one he was sure Jimin felt if the way his hand was gripped tighter was any indication.
"Well.... I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember, I guess? I didn't know what it was for a long time. Thought I was sick or something."
Hoseok interrupted. "What do you mean, sick?" He looked genuinely confused. "I don't mean it in a bad way at all, I just don't understand... It's a mental thing, right?"
"Um, not entirely? I mean yes it's definitely a mental thing, but there's physical manifestations of it too? Like, I start to shake," Jeongguk's hands were shaking even harder now, and he pulled them out of Taehyung and Jimin's own to show them.
Six pairs of wide eyes latched onto his vibrating hands, and he quickly tucked them into his lap, wringing his fingers nervously. Jimin immediately reached over and untangled one, taking it into his own smaller hand and interlocking their fingers, and Taehyung was quick to repeat the action with Jeongguk's other hand. He remained looking down at his lap, but gave each of them a gentle squeeze, and the 95-liners were quick to scoot a bit closer and bracket him in, and Jeongguk let himself melt into the comforting touch.
He took a deep breath. "And.... Sometimes I get dizzy? Or sweat, like hot and cold flashes, almost feverish? Other times it'll be like a tightness in my chest that sometimes turns into an ache... That kinda makes it hard to breathe. Almost like asthma or something. And usually I'll have this buzzing under my skin, and it starts to burn, or sometimes, like, my limbs will go numb if it gets really bad. So yeah. Um. I think that's all the physical stuff?"
Just talking about it, feeling the shocked gazes of his hyungs made the buzzing pick up and start to burn, almost itching with intensity. What made it worse was the dead silence that followed. It seemed as though none of them quite knew what to make of him description.
His voice was shaking when he continued. "I've kind of always liked the idea of having a numbering system? Like one to ten maybe? And that way I could just tell one of you a number if I'm having anxiety and you'll know what to do or something but I won't have to directly talk about it? If I'm having just random anxiety and it gets to like a seven or so I don't like to be touched. But if it's caused by an uncomfortable situation or a lot of people or something I kinda need human contact? Like on the scale, today I woke up at probably a one or a two, which is just kinda a buzzing under my skin and anxious thoughts, I guess, my attack yesterday was probably about an eight, which you all saw, and right now I'm probably at like a six?" His breath was stuttering in his lungs as he spoke, and he could feel himself becoming light-headed. "Which is kind of feeling that burning under my skin, shaking, I'm having trouble processing things, and I think I need to stop talking right now because I'm kind of panicking -"
Jimin and Taehyung seemed to be slightly panicking themselves over what to do, but Yoongi shot up faster than they thought possible and immediately gestured for the two to move away from Jeongguk, whose eyes were now screwed tightly shut as he tried to control his breathing. The rapper then situated himself behind Jeongguk so that the younger was sitting in between his legs and wrapped his arms around his chest, placing his hands on the back of Jeongguk's and lacing their fingers together.
"Kid, I need you to breathe, okay?" A small whimper escaped the younger as he panicked. "We're gonna do in four, hold four, out four, okay? Can you do that with me?" The maknae was limp in his hold, and he could feel every shiver that wracked his body as he shrugged, unsure. "That's okay. Come on, in four, hold four, out four. Repeat." He made sure to press his chest to Jeongguk's back so that the younger could try to match his breathing with Yoongi's own.
When they had repeated this process enough that Jeongguk's breaths were coming relatively easy Yoongi spoke again. "Give me a word that rhymes with red, kid."
Jeongguk looked up, eyes red-rimmed and confused. "What?"
Yoongi smiled down at him gently. "Don't question it, just answer, okay? What's a word that rhymes with red?"
"Um, bed?"
"Good. First word that comes to mind with bed?"
A pause, then a shaky, "Sleep?"
"Yes. But no hesitstion, just first word that comes to mind. Words that rhymes with sleep?"
"Deep."
"First word that comes to mind?"
The response was faster now. "Ocean."
"Rhymes with?"
"Potion."
"First word?"
"Magic."
"Rhymes with?"
"Tragic."
"First word?"
"Sad."
"Rhymes with?"
"Mad."
"First word?"
"Um, orange?"
Yoongi raised a questioning eyebrow, but still asked, "And what rhymes with that?"
After half a second of hesitation Jeongguk answered, "There's not a word in the world that rhymes with orange."
Yoongi smiled softly down at the large doe-eyes looking hesitantly up at him. "That's right. Now are you okay? Where are you at?"
The maknae looked confused for half a second before replying. "Um. Better? Probably a three?"
Yoongi shot him a gummy smile. "Good. Much better. Do you think we could continue talking now?"
Jeongguk nodded, but tightened his grip on Yoongi's hands when the elder shifted.
When the two looked up, the other five members were staring at them, wide-eyed. Taehyung had shifted around them and melded himself into Jimin's side. The pair of them looked like kicked puppies.
"Jungkookie-ah," Jimin whispered. "Are you okay?"
Jeongguk' eyes flicked to all the other members, seeing their looks of concern.
He tried to smile but it came out as more of a grimace. "Um, I guess? That wasn't too bad. And it was really short, and hyung helped me. So. That wasn't bad at all honestly?"
"What?" Jimin looked absolutely affronted. "Not that bad?"
"I mean, yeah. Like I said, this was about a six. Yesterday was about an eight, so."
This time Hoseok spoke up with a, "I'm almost afraid to ask, but if what happened yesterday was an eight, then what's a nine or a ten? And what would've caused it?"
Jeongguk fiddled with Yoongi's fingers nervously. "I'm... I mean, I've had a few I'd call a nine, and it's just. It's different. Like what's going on in my head is a lot darker, but the physical aspect is just about the same? Except sometimes I'll vomit as well. Um, I've only had a ten once... and I..." He huffed air out of his nose sharply. "Sorry. I should be able to talk about all this, I just... The words are hard and I get all panicky and worked up and it's stupid -"
Seokjin scooted so that he was just a foot in front of of Yoongi and Jeongguk's spread legs, reaching out and placing a comforting hand on the youngest's ankle.
"Gguk-ah, it's okay. It's completely understandable to have trouble talking about it. I mean it's traumatizing just to watch you go through it; I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to experience it. So don't apologize. And take all the time you need," he smiled softly. "We have all day, okay?"
Jeongguk took a gentler (albeit still a bit shaky) breath and nodded, sending his eldest hyung what he hoped was a reassuring smile before continuing. "Um. Okay. I had what I considered a ten once, I can't talk about why, and I was admitted into a hospital."
The chorus of gasps from several of the members would've been comical if they hadn't been discussing something so serious.
Taehyung's voice was quiet when he asked, "Why did you have to go to the hospital?"
Jeongguk looked back down at Yoongi's fingers and resumed his fidgeting. "Well, I... I don't remember a lot of it honestly, because I was pretty out of it, but I remember, like.... Ugh. Sorry, words. Hard. Words are hard." He pressed his eyes shut, but reopened them when he felt Yoongi press a reassuring kiss to the crown of his head.
"Okay. I mean, I remember feeling like someone was crushing my ribs, and a lot of crying, like I couldn't breathe because of it, and I kinda lost feeling in my legs and maybe my hands too? I don't know. And I was freezing cold but sweating and it was like I was covered in ants.... I just. I mean. When my mom walked into my room I fell off of my chair onto my hands and knees because I was hyperventilating and my mom told me my lips started turning blue because I was just.... Struggling for air? Like I was trying to ground myself and find air, I guess? She took me to the hospital because my eyes were rolling back, apparently. They sedated me so I wouldn't hurt myself and kinda talked to me about getting some prescription anxiety medicine. I've never taken any though. Side effects and all. So. Yeah."
A few breaths later, there was a whimper from his left, and before Jeongguk could do anything, the 95-line was on him. A couple seconds after that, Namjoon and Hoseok joined Seokjin near his legs, scooting to bracket him in. It should've been confining, but it wasn't. He should've felt claustrophobic, but he didn't.
All he felt was the genuine care his friends, his brothers, his family had for him.