Chapter Text
When did things go downhill?
Answer: 6th Grade.
Connor inhaled sharply through his nose, and let out a shaky breathe as his teeth bit the insides of his cheeks. Pain surged through his nails as he slid down the tree, his nails clawing the bark as he went down. Another day he ran off after an argument with his mother, another day he hid in the park and clung to the cold that tickled his skin like a feather, a dangerous feather that could give him frostbite if it wasn't for the sweater he practically lived in. It was already dark, the sun was down and no one bothered to enter the park anymore except for some stoners that needed a quiet place to hit a joint without risk of getting caught by officials. No one ventured that far into the park except them, and Connor Murphy when he got kicked out of the house for the night, or when he ran away.
He took another deep inhale as his eyes looked down to the pathetic little nubs of his fingers, bleeding while the bark had shoved itself into the pink part that rested between his nail and skin. With a hitched breath escaping the chapped lips of his, he let his head fall back and look up at the star-less sky of the stupid town he was forced to live in with his family; No one was here to bother him, and sadly, he had relatively all the time in the world to really think about what had happened before. So that's what he was going to do. It's all he really had to do.
His phone was back home, and he stupidly forgot to bring anything to do while out of the house, no money to buy a room at a local motel or crash with someone for a few bucks, nothing. Connor blinked to himself as he looked back down to the ground. Today, the full moon was out and Connor was stuck staring at it or kissing the ground's ass to give him a comfort moment to sleep the night away. If he got robbed, he wished luck to the sucker who thought he had something of worth. No money, no phone, no book. Just a weak body, and a sweater hiding the scars that littered the pathetically pale skin of Connor Murphy. It's bad when you start feeling bad for the robbers who just want a living for snooping around a poor kid with nothing on him. Well.. Connor wasn't poor, but he sure as hell wasn't has rich as his family led on to be. His money was his, and he refused to take any of his mom's, Zoe's or Larry's. Especially not fucking Larry's. If he did, he wouldn't hear the end of it.
He laid on the ground, staring up at the sky where the soft dark navy blue sky lulled him as the sound of the trees rustling about gave him a false sense of security and tranquility. Perhaps it wasn't that bad of an idea to come to the park today since it's damn well working better than his weed right now, even if the aftermath of lack of weed indulging had caused some sort of headache, it's dull and easily ignorable so that's what he does for now. Ignore it. His hazel eyes rested on the pristine white of the moon that hung high, pridefully in the sky like it owned the joint. Connor sighed, breathing through his mouth this time in a more rhythmic manner instead of the harsh hitched in his breath when he had clawed the bark like a wild beast. Perhaps Zoe's words of calling him a monster rang some sort of truth after all? He hated nothing more than to prove her twisted words right, but so far, he was doing exactly that. Proving her correct.
The mindless sounds of nature lulled him until now, but he was painfully aware of the bark stuck in his skin now that festered between his nails and was causing the warmth of his blood to leak out onto his tips and soak the ground with it's disgusting presence. What time was it?
Honestly, Connor forgot why he bothered to remember the time.
By now it was probably 8 PM, and his parents with Zoe enjoyed a nice warm dinner while Connor sat outside in the park, laying down like he was dying. Does wishing death count as looking like he was dying? The demons of his depression crawled all over him and whispered sweet little nothings in his ear, how he was better off dead and how he should just stay out here while he slowly withers away, no one would care? No one would care at all. His skin was imperfect, and his hair was nappy now. His face was a mess of tears and exhaustion at his eyes, while his lips were as chapped as if they were never introduced to water or anything moisturizing. Connor Murphy was a mess, and his family knew it. Everyone knew it.
Maybe that's why no one likes him.
Not in School, not at home.
Nowhere.
No one wants a Connor Murphy, and he got the message loud and clear.
The sweet embrace of death sounded lovely now, under the moon's ray he could probably shove dirt in his mouth and suffocate himself but when someone finds his body it would be rather disgusting. Dirt in his mouth and possibly vomit pooling behind him, admittedly enough, he would like to not die in such a disturbing manner, it's beautiful outside and tainting it with his death was a tragedy he wasn't willing to bring upon it. Though, if he died here, would he be allowed to haunt it as he damn well pleases? Thinking about it brought a nice shiver down his spine, haunting the deep part of the forest, sounded festive. Like a long term coma.
Very Festive.
"Um.. E-Excuse me." Connor frowned.
He wasn't expecting someone to find him already, he would've hoped they found him dead or passed out so they could move him somewhere far away from here but as luck would have it he was very much alive and awake now. The teen sat up, turning harshly to get faced to face to someone he didn't expect to see here at all. It was another student from his school, the high school that he definitely knew he hated with every fiber of his being but specifically who caught him here was the unexpected part.
Evan Hansen.
The School Anxious kid who couldn't string together a sentence without shitting his pants in fear. Connor recalls seeing him once or twice within the halls being pushed by the masses around like a rag doll without mercy, but he never spoke up about. He always moved when people said 'excuse me' and whenever they stood still for one of them to move, Evan was quick to drastically move aside as though they were the plague. No one cared about this punk, and Connor knew it well enough, the familiar taste of rejection was present within just Evan's presence, and while it was rude to comment on it, Connor definitely had that in his mind.
"Sorry, was this your spot? I already claimed the 'here to soak in my teen angst' spot, you should've came earlier." Connor commented with spite on his tongue that was thrown at Evan. He didn't deserve it, but Connor was terribly angry at the universe now, for existing, for letting him exist in it. Right now, the world was at fault, and he wasn't afraid to show his anger towards it. At this point, many would've gotten the hint and ditched the scene, for no one bothered to mess with the school shooter-esque student Connor Murphy. He was violent, rude, and apathetic towards others and everyone, while very distasteful of him for more reasons than that, were also massively afraid of him. A touch would make them run for the hills like he was infected with some virus that spread through touch, they stared at him with this alien expression he never quite understood.
What made them fear him so much? Jocks hit the nerds and you don't see the entire fucking school avoiding them like the plague. Connor never knew what made him so... Different in that regard. Was it looks? Possibly. Attitude? Definitely. Never did he show signs of enjoying guns, or hell, the Columbine Shooters either. One look, and they assumed he was because one of them, he forgot which, had adorned a familiar hairstyle. Long and flowing.
Evan's hand fidget, the outline of them were clear thanks to the moon shining above them like a overrated chandelier. "N-No.. I Just d-didn't you know, realize that you.. you know, um, you were here as w-well." He choked on some of the wording but he managed to get out in understandable condition.
"Don't get used to it. I'm only here because I don't have anywhere else to be."
"O-Oh.."
Connor wondered how badly Evan wanted to ask 'what about your house' be refrained from fear of angering Murphy. So many people are like that, they don't ask the important question out of fear of the reaction they will be given. If Evan asked, Connor would've told him the truth, there was no hiding it and no reason to lie about it. He had an argument, ran off and now stayed here to wait till the entire thing blew over and he could go back to sleep in his comfortable bed. Though, speaking of which, Connor squinted for a second realizing that this runt probably had his phone on him.
"Do you know the time?"
"Um, Y-Yes.. It's.." he grabbed his phone almost dropping it 5 times before turning it on and saying it out loud. "9:57 PM."
Fuck, it's later than he expected.
"Thanks."
"No uh problem."
Connor laid back down on the ground, and waited to hear Evan leaving. He waited a few seconds, keeping a keen ear out for it, the stepping sounds of him stomping on the grass and dead leaves that fell onto the ground for whatever reason, but it just never came. He heard noises of small little movements and Evan's quickened breathing from the interaction but it didn't get further away over time like he had hoped for.
"Are you waiting for something or what?" Connor snapped, looking up to look at the taken aback Evan blinking rapidly before scratching a lot at his wrist.
"N-No.. Just.. This is where I g-go to.. calm... down... too." The words gradually gets smaller, and more slow as he spoke on and on like he was going to get hit or told off mid sentence and was waiting for it. Pathetic, Evan acted an like abused victim right now and it definitely made Connor fairly uncomfortable. The boy was cute, which is the only reason Connor is very put off by his behavior, but that's sort of double standards now that he really thinks about it. Allowing certain behavior only because of another's looks, huh, guess he's like the rest of the monsters that attends his school and calls him names just because he looks 'weird'.
He heard a gasp from Evan's direction, and muttered a curse word under his breath. "What now?"
"Y-You're... bleeding.."
"Thanks captain obvious, it's not like I feel it."
"How...?"
"Clawed at the tree."
"O-Oh.."
"Didn't you say you came here to calm down? So did I, and talking isn't part of the calming part packaged I came here for." Evan stayed silent after that, and Connor expected Evan to leave after that.
Who would want to stay with someone who is obviously pissy like Connor huh? Absolutely no one.
Except this kid.
After a few seconds he heard something move and he looked over to find Evan laying on the ground as well, silently but surely laying beside him. They don't talk or anything, they just lay on the green grass and look up at the moon, letting the world around them pass them by without much care. Silence filled the awkwardness between them, and so much was said in that silence, that Connor was surprised he didn't do this before; The light shined upon them was nice and delicate on the eyes and Evan wasn't doing that weird thing where he fidgets every two seconds and sweats like a maniac. It was calming and he felt a pair of eyes on him from time to time.
"Why did you come here?" Connor never knew his voice could go that gentle. He just met this kid and already he felt like he was in trusted hands, that no matter what they said, it wasn't going to be leaked or anything. It's stupid, but Connor guesses that he's desperate to have someone to talk too that doesn't hate him that anyone who remotely tolerates his presences already earned his liking.
".......Um...I.. Got a-anxious. You?"
"I had a fight with my mom."
Evan accepted it without question and let out a pro-longed breath. This was calming, and already Connor felt ready to go back home and sleep the night away. He didn't know if Evan was about to leave as well, but if they stayed the whole night like this, he wouldn't mind either. They didn't know each other, they didn't know each other's baggages or the problems they faced at home. They didn't even know each other's names officially but Connor was content with that. He wanted to know the other's name but he felt that it was a bit invasive to ask for such a thing when he wasn't the kindest person when they were first talking. With a few quick glances he studied the other's features, delicate against the outline of the moon, and warm to the eyes. Everything was rough, and nothing was very sharp and precise. The dirty blonde hair shined like golden in the moon, and Connor couldn't help but think how beautiful it looked, especially with such a delicate face as the Evan's. The light freckles that seem to pop in the light and braces whose metal parts reflected nicely in the nightly atmosphere, the long haired teen felt a tug at his chest just staring at Evan he thought that perhaps that was a sign to go.
He stood up, "I'm going to head home." Evan did the same.
"I-I'll uh, do that too." Awkwardly, they fumbled to both get up after that quiet session of thinking through everything and before Connor could've asked for Evan's name officially, the other took off, possibly to their house hopefully, at least Connor hoped so, feeling better than when he showed up. Watching with a mournful look on his face, he shook his head, it's stupid to think he could actually be friendly to someone like him. Mister anxious to even talk to the lunch lady.
That was until a piece of white caught his eye, and he picked it up, blinking as he unfolded it and read the handwriting that scribbled out a letter.
Dear Evan Hansen,
I promised a lot of things would work out today, I'll take to Zoe and maybe get to know her, ask for her name and get closer and closer until I have a friend, a real one for once; Things don't tend to work out that much.
Things I promise don't seem to be fulfilled and a lot of the times, I start to wonder why do I bother, you know? Things aren't going to change, I'll always be the loser of the school, a nobody, forgotten, I'll disappear when I leave and no one will remember who Evan Hansen is.
A kid with issues, a kid who was born wrong. A kid who has a mom who has to struggle to raise him; I don't understand why she keeps me around, when she's struggling so much just to make ends meet. Even the home she worked so hard to keep just doesn't feel like home anymore, I start getting homesick for the forest, and I started going each night, but that's not that healthy either. Mom gets worried and she'll find out one day, so I'll stop going. Today will be my last day, and after that I'll find better ways to cope instead of sneaking out to lie on the dirt.
Sincerely,
Me
Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen, Evan Hansen. That name felt right on the tongue. The paper was crumbled badly, which led Connor to believe that Evan meant to dispose of it, but did so poorly and instead accidentally dropped it while laying on the dirt with Connor Murphy. Would he notice it being gone? Hopefully not, Connor folds the piece of paper neatly, placing it in his pocket as he started walking home, feeling much better than when he arrived.