Chapter Text
First thing Tony registered was, that it was warm and bright. For a short moment, the expectation of enjoyment, a lazy morning with the sunlight waking him up almost made him smile. Then the nausea hit him like a freight train. It was too bright. Too hot. Too loud. There weren't even any sounds he could make out, but his pulse was thrumming in his ears. With a groan he pulled the blanket over his face.
"J, darken the windows" he slurred.
There was an answer and the light dimmed, but Tony didn't register the word. The sound of his own rasping, low voice made him aware of precisely how wrecked he felt. His stomach was rummaging, his head was pounding, his tongue felt pelted and dry.
Hungover.
Tony burst out into a flurry of motion, tried to push off the blanket and stumble out of his bed towards- he wasn't even sure towards what. It didn't matter since his foot caught in the blanket and had him tumble and crash into the wall. The pounding in his head grew into full on pain and his vision swam with bright spots flickering through.
And still, his poor circulation did not stop the memories from flooding in. Memories of how yesterday had been a shitshow of a day. How three of his suits had gone rogue - hacked - and one of them leveled an entire building before he could finally push through the attacker's grasp to trigger the self destruction protocol. How in his following break down, he had gotten into a fight with Bucky. With Bucky of all people, who had basically carried him through several break downs and panic attacks. But not even Bucky had managed to talk Tony out of getting a drink. Several, really. So many, that he didn't even remember, how Bucky had left.
Tony felt his stomach heaving and every image he could come up with of how exactly Bucky might have left only made it worse. He finally managed to shake the damned blanket off, stumbled into the bathroom and made it to the toilet just in time to not puke onto the floor. When he was pretty sure, that there was nothing left in him to come out, he slumped down, curled up on the floor in an attempt to calm down. Maybe also in an attempt to push off further musings on how or why exactly he was alone now.
Then again, how was that even a question. He had promised to stop drinking. He had promised Bucky above all other to do this one thing, whatever would happen and Bucky had been as supportive, as understanding as anyone could be.
And then yesterday had happened.
He didn't understand why the headache grew into new heights until he registered his own, broken voice echoing off of the tiles. He stopped screaming.
At least that worked. The headache now hardly left any room for thinking. He stared at structured, cement-grey tile in front of him until the room stopped spinning. Pushing away thoughts as they came, he got up made his way to the sink, splashed cold water into his face and dug pain killers out of the drawer. He already felt the guilt crawling back in again, screwed his eyes shut and pushed back. When he washed the pill down, he almost didn't feel like utter shit anymore. Almost.
He went back into the bedroom and put on the first shirt and pants he managed to grab out of his closet. A shower would probably make him feel physically better but also left far too much time for stray thoughts and dwelling wouldn't help. There were problems to fix. There always were, and more so on the day after his own tech had destroyed an entire office building. Thank fuck it had been late evening. Some of these days he'd also have to face the Pr fallout, but today he'd focus on hard, fact based problems. Problems consisting of tech, code and math. Everything else would make him freak right out.
Assistive tech for the people who had landed in the hospital. That was a good, solvable problem. Updating security systems of the remaining suits that were currently in hard lock down. Or, if that turned out to be too hard, destroying them all. Maybe he'd revolutionize the ways of sorting through ruined buildings before tomorrow morning. So many things were possible if Tony was just dead set on avoiding thoughts.
And he had to contact Bucky. Then again, what was there to say anyway? He had screwed up. But Bucky knew that already.
He'd get to that at some point. For now he was in the elevator, laying out work arounds for security code.
~~~~~
Tony dropped the circuit board into the trash can and sent the trash can skittering across the floor with a well estimated kick. As it toppled over and spilled its contents onto the floor, Tony flopped onto his work bench. There had been nothing well estimated about the kick. There had been nothing well estimated, well executed or well calculated about any part of the day so far. He glanced at the clock. Two hours since he had entered the workshop and all he had to look at was an attempted code patch that contained an even worse security hole (found by JARVIS), a series of rough sketches for mobility aids that didn't actually have any chance of working and an entire array of wrecked tech parts that he had wired up only to find out that he couldn't even match up the contacts correctly today.
And two burns on his left hand, courtesy of his soldering iron. Best achievement of the day.
Maybe he should get back into bed and wait for another day to come. Not that he'd be able to sleep, but at least there he couldn't destroy anything by accident.
He thought about the other problem he had yet to find a fix for. Before he could think anything through and decide against it, he had dug out his phone. 12 calls in absence from Bucky. 3 messages on his mailbox. Tony didn't think he could take any of them right now without getting right back to where he stopped last night. He directly dialed through to Bucky's mailbox. He wasn't entirely sure what he'd even say, but he'd figure that out soon enough. Hopefully.
As the automatic voice rattled down Bucky's cell number, the ghost of a smile crept onto Tony's face. Remembering their endless mock-debates on how he really should come up with a proper answer for the machine vs how it was totally useless since Bucky'd just take calls he wanted to take any didn't expect anyone to use it anyway.
Well, now Tony was using it. And he wouldn't think about what exactly that said about where they were now. There was the beep.
He took a deep breath and started with what everyone thought he wasn't capable to say: "I'm sorry, Bucky. I'm still not sure how saying this helps, but you always told me to say it when I am. Not that I expect this to change anything now, but I am fucking sorry and I promise that this is the last time I will bother you."
Slowly Tony saw what direction his thoughts were going. While he had no plan, there was really only one way to go about this anyway. When he tried to get out the next word, his voice cracked on first attempt. He closed his eyes and pressed his fingers onto his eyelids. He pointedly ignored how wet they felt and hoped that Bucky wouldn't hear the broken sound he had just made on record.
"Admittedly I'm not even sure what precisely I'm sorry about, since I can't remember most of last night. Guess that alone speaks volumes. I promised not to go there again and yet, here I am. Anyway. I'm not sure where you are now, but you still have all your stuff around here. I assume you'll want that back, so. I'm not sure what is yours, I guess the easiest is if you just come over here and get it.You can still live somewhere in the tower as long as you want to. Not much chance of running into me anywhere. I understand if you don't want to anyway. Just, i don't know, handle that with JARVIS, he'll tell you what's where and- what am I doing, I don't have to tell you how to talk to J. And just, you know, ask him if I'm around in case you don't wanna bump into me while you're up there. I will now... I'm gonna... Whatever."
He hung up. Way to make an exit. Not that it mattered anymore.
Tony headed over to the adjacent bathroom, filled the sink with cold water and submerged his face in it until he felt his lungs screaming for air. When he pulled out, he felt at least somewhat clear headed for the first time this day. He also felt like he could use another drink. A voice in the back of his mind whispered that since he had fucked up everything it wouldn't matter now anyway.
He splashed water into his face again.
Fucking up once did not mean, it didn't matter anymore. He'd push through, keep going. Like he always did. Alone again. Like he always did.
With a sigh he turned back to the workshop and called up the holographic screen with his previous attempts of coming up with cleanup tech for large scale debris. Since he saw his mistakes now, he could maybe finally get some productive work done.
~~~~
His growling stomach reminded Tony that he hadn't actually eaten anything this day yet. The hangover of hell hadn't entirely passed, but his stomach felt stable enough to keep solid food in. And it felt empty. He saved and shut down the current projects and looked over at the kitchenette at the other end of the workshop. He wouldn't do any handy work anymore today. His hands were shaking and quite frankly, stringing complex thoughts together by now felt like an attempt at knitting apple sauce.
He decided to watch some shitty sci fi movie first, then get to bed and if he discovered that he could think again, it wouldn't be his first all night coding session in the sheets.
Only the first since he had been with Bucky. He shook that thought off.
"JARVIS, get a pizza order going and pre-heat the movie couch."
"Of course, Sir. You will find the couch to your liking."
It wasn't JARVIS' best attempt at humor, but Tony appreciated the attempt. He stepped into the elevator and listened to the whoosh of stories passing by.
~~~~
The pizza delivery would take another 15 minutes, so Tony grabbed a coffee and made his way towards to living room. He hadn't actually made up his mind about what to watch, so he'd just tab through the data base for a while. As he stepped into the room, he froze in the door frame and quickly estimated the chances of him still having hungover hallucinations. Then Bucky got up from the couch, turned around and also stopped dead.
Tony had no idea how long they stood there, frozen in time and waiting for the other one to move. Bucky's face didn't help to answer that question, cause he looked like he didn't know what to do or expect himself.
Maybe seconds, maybe hours later, Tony broke the silence: "Sorry, I really didn't expect you here. Now. I mean, I said J would tell you when I'm not here, so I figured you wouldn't-"
Since Tony was just talking without having anything to say, he just stopped as Bucky heaved a deep sigh. "I am painfully aware of when you were not here, since I sat here waiting for the last three hours."
"You did what?" Tony asked incredulously. "Why would you do that?"
Bucky pulled up one corner of his mouth into what almost looked like a smirk. It was just a tad bit too sad. "I would say something cheesy like 'I wanted to get my stuff but couldn't find you', but seriously Tony, what the fuck?"
"I'm afraid you'll have to elaborate on that, cause that applies to pretty much every part of yesterday" Tony replied. Then he wished to all the gods (probably even Loki) that they would finally take away his tongue. Snark? Now? Best timing ever.
Bucky's hand twitched forward only for a blink before he balled it into a fist. "Actually I was talking about today. Yesterday was a train wreck. Let's... not forget yesterday, but maybe wait with sorting that out for a better time."
"But-" Tony's voice failed him. He gulped and tried again. "But the best time was when I was with you."
"Shut up!" Bucky shouted and made Tony flinch.
Bucky jerked as if he tried to shake something off. Then he surged towards Tony with so much determination, Tony took half a step back. Bucky still reached him and harshly pulled Tony against his chest.
"You don't get to decide when I break up with you, you hear me?" Bucky spoke softly, right next to Tony's ear. "If you want to push me away for some twisted reason, you have to end this your goddamn self, but you don't get to decide what I want for us."
For the weirdest few seconds, Tony was overly aware of any haptic feedback. He felt Bucky's breath on his ear, the warmth of his chest, the tiny vibrations of the prosthetic, the fluffy carpet under his feet. The coffee trickling down his leg where his hand had gone slack around the handle of the mug. He pulled himself back into the present.
"What are you talking about?" Tony registered the spite in his own voice. He wanted to believe what Bucky had just implied, but it didn't make any sense. "I promised you to stay sober. I promised that and you said, that you'd stay with me as long as I did." He managed to reign his voice in, but he couldn't take out all of the edge. He definitely couldn't make himself put an arm around Bucky. It would just hurt more if Bucky pulled away. Not if. When.
Bucky in return pulled him in with even more determination. "That is not what I said and you know it."
Tony merely managed to make some kind of confused little noise, before Bucky cut him off. "Yeah, I know, you probably spent the entire day telling yourself that this is what I said - that this is what i meant." He pulled back enough to look at Tony, gray eyes switching rapidly back and forth between Tony's. "I said, I'd stay with you as long as you try."
"But-"
"And trying means failing, otherwise it's just doing, silly."
Tony understood all of the words that Bucky had just said. He knew their meaning and somehow also saw that they were right, but he couldn't get his feelings to match. "Maybe that is right in some cases, but I promised I would do it. Not do it. Whatever, you know what I mean." Tony rambled through his racing thoughts. It couldn't just be okay to fucking fail like that.
With every word from Tony's mouth, Bucky's eyes softened a bit more. Somehow he even started smiling a little. "Sugarplum, are you listening to yourself?"
Tony had at least twenty possible answers on the tip of his tongue, none of them even the least helpful. He swallowed and shook his head.
"Good, cause you're talking bullshit."
Tony squeaked when Bucky lifted him up into the air without any warning sign. Moments later he was lowered onto the couch. Then Bucky was sitting next to him, arms slung tightly around Tony's shoulders again. "You promised to try. I couldn't ever accept a promise to just accomplish something like that."
"Yeah, but I failed" Tony started and then stopped before he talked himself back into his old circles. He carefully picked words that did not feel at all like him, but rang true in his mind. "Guess that means I'll have to try again, right?" When he saw Bucky's smile getting wider and his eyes getting just that little bit brighter, he knew it had been the right words.
"Damn right, that's what it means. And you will."
Tony pushed his nose into Bucky's hair and took a deep breath. "How are you so sure of that?" He felt Bucky's hand come up to softly pet his hair.
"Because you promised." Bucky said. "And because you love me, you idiot."
"Boy, do I ever."