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Daehwi is unsure.
He’s unsure about everything – the big things, like what’s it going to be like when Wanna One is over or what’s it going to be like on this schedule and the next schedule and the one after that or who he’s going to be ten years from now.
Then there’s the little things, like what he wants for dinner, or if he’s going to drink coffee or juice in the morning, if he’s going to use this shirt or that shirt, if he’s going to fix his bed or let Sungwoon fix it for him.
He’s unsure whether he’s going to climb into Jinyoung’s bed or wait until the other one is going to be the first to give in and climb into his, if he’s ever going to take the bottle Jinyoung offers him after practice, even when his own water bottle is still three-fourths full. Or if he’s going to let Jinyoung borrow his favorite shirt, because it’s so hard to decide when it’s the shirt he never wants to let anyone use, but also want it to smell like Jinyoung.
If he’s going to talk to Jinyoung about what they are or let himself wallow in the sadness of the undecided status of their relationship.
Yeah. The little things.
Daehwi has that look, and Jihoon points it out a few weeks after moving in together. He tells Daehwi that he always looks like he’s unsure about what to say before he actually speaks up.
“Like you have a million things on your mind, and you can’t say anything immediately because you can only say one thing at a time,” Jihoon says from his side of the couch. The rest of the members have retired to their respective rooms, leaving the two of them behind.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Daehwi asks for a clarification after a few beats, slight apprehension painting his face.
“You did it again.” Jihoon chuckles. “I’m not saying it’s a bad thing,” Jihoon follows up quickly when he sees the panic on the younger’s face. “Sometimes you’re easy to read, sometimes you aren’t. When it’s obvious, it’s really obvious. And when it’s uncertain, it’s impossible to tell.”
Daehwi only blinks at Jihoon, because he sort of understands. He doesn’t know what to say, and judging by the smirk on Jihoon’s lips, it probably shows on his face.
“Don’t think about it too much,” Jihoon waves off as he pads back inside to his room.
For some odd, unexplainable reason, understanding Daehwi comes easy for Jinyoung.
Jinyoung knows when to shut up when Daehwi looks at him a certain way, and knows when to start comforting Daehwi when the fatigue becomes obvious in how Daehwi moves and talks. It happens quite frequently that Daehwi is misunderstood because of his bluntness, and also because he can’t explain the thousands of things he wants to say in his mind, but everyone finds it a little bit easier when Jinyoung is around.
What Daehwi meant was that shirt might not match your jeans, Jihoon. Or, the ramen needs a bit more soup base, Minhyun. I think what Daehwi wants to say is that we should organize our shoes better so that we don’t step over it, like what happened to Woojin hyung’s shoes. I think Daehwi just wants you to stop repeating the word “jokbal” and sleep because we have to wake up early tomorrow, Guanlin.
They have their own language, but it’s still in Korean, including the small non-verbal things that Jinyoung is able to catch and interpret really well. The nine other members try not to give it much thought.
They’re filming at some mudflat and Daehwi is really excited. He goes around and plays with his members, holding up mini-fans to dry the water matting their hair on their foreheads and the sweat misting their skin. He laughs with Daniel and makes fun of Jaehwan together with Guanlin, and it's just really, really exhilarating.
He bounces around the set like a bunny, feeling the adrenaline coursing through him for their first music video shoot. Daehwi tells himself that he’s only exhilarated by the feeling of finally being able to debut – of shooting an official music video and hearing their song blast from the speakers. The surreal feeling of hearing his voice throughout the song lets him feel like he’s at his all-time-high, which is only abruptly cut when Jinyoung asks,
“You’re nervous, aren’t you?”
Which suddenly sucks the life out of Daehwi, because Jinyoung’s assumption is spot on. Behind the energetic façade he’s putting on, he’s a complete nervous wreck who can’t really stop worrying about his own future and the future of this group. He’s worried about the bad weather, and the wet sand seeping through his stylist’s not-so-cheap shoes and dampening his socks. He’s deeply concerned about Jaehwan messing the choreography up too many times and how he himself is feeling cold while he’s also sweating a bucket ton.
Jinyoung grabs a roll of tissue paper from the stylist tailing behind him and dabs it on Daehwi’s face. He blows a breeze to evaporate the bead of sweat lining the younger’s forehead and ruffles the blonde bangs to prevent the strands from sticking together.
Daehwi looks straight at his unfairly small face, and how it concentrates while Jinyoung takes care of him, and Daehwi just wants to cry.
“We need to talk,” is all Daehwi says. Jinyoung avoids this, turns back to grab a cake ball from the box one of his managers was holding and turns back to Daehwi with a soft smile.
Daehwi only looks at Jinyoung, his stare lingering a bit too long on Jinyoung’s lips, and then on Jinyoung’s eyes, and then on Jinyoung in general. He blinks because he isn’t so sure what to do or to say anymore, and Jinyoung’s outright refusing to acknowledge that there's something they need to talk about. Something they've been needing to talk about for quite a while now.
“Say ah,” Jinyoung says as he eyes Daehwi’s mouth. “Ah, hurry up.”
Only then does Daehwi realize that there’s a camera shooting them from the side, so he allows Jinyoung to pry his lips open with his fingers, and shove a whole goddamn cake ball in his mouth.
Then for the whole day, it’s like the two of them are standing on the exact same poles of a magnet, repelling with the other on the set. The only time they get close to each other again is when Jinyoung suddenly exclaims that he feels hot, and Daehwi is standing close that he’s able to fan him down. The only reason Jinyoung hasn’t left is because Daehwi isn’t speaking, which means he’s probably let the issue go, but Jinyoung knows what Daehwi wants; knows what he’s feeling or what he’s thinking; knows he probably won’t be able to avoid it any longer.
Or maybe he is, because Daehwi doesn’t bring it up when Sungwoon’s in the bathroom and the two of them are left in their rooms together.
Jinyoung understanding Daehwi also works vice-versa, which is why Daehwi is very much well aware that Jinyoung doesn’t want to talk about their relationship. Or friendship. Or whatever it is they would call it if they ever talked about it. He doesn’t pry.
It’s on one of the nights when they’re allowed to sleep for a lengthy time that Daehwi, unfortunately, can’t seem to find it himself to give in to the slumber and sleep. It takes two hours of tossing and turning and a whiney Sungwoon to kick him out of the room and settle for mindlessly flipping through the channels of their television in the living room.
With a blanket over his head and a pillow snuggled between his arms, he settles for watching a late-night drama he half-immerses himself in, and silently prays it would lull him to sleep.
Daehwi is startled when he hears the door to their room open, with a dazed Jinyoung reaching inside his own shirt to scratch at his tummy.
“Can’t sleep?” Daehwi asks as the other member plops down on the space beside him. Jinyoung rubs his eyes and nods.
“I probably looked stupid trying to find you on your bed in the dark,” Jinyoung chuckled. “It took me a while to realize that you weren’t there.” Then Jinyoung’s eyes scan the living room, and only then does he realize that Daehwi’s still awake at an ungodly hour, on a rare evening that they’re allowed to sleep for more than five hours. “Why are you still awake?”
“Just needlessly worrying about the unforeseeable future,” Daehwi answers nonchalantly, reaching for the remote again to flip through the channels once the TV commercials started rolling in the middle of the drama. “You probably already knew that.”
“Right,” Jinyoung squeaks out. There’s a silence between them, and a huge ass elephant in the room, and Jinyoung is kind of done trying to act like that figurative 5,400-kilogram animal isn’t there. “When we were shooting Burn It Up, you told me you wanted to talk.”
Daehwi pauses switching channels and blinks. A documentary on Jeju Island is playing. “Now? You’re bringing that up now?”
Jinyoung raises his eyebrows. “It’s only the two of us. You suddenly wanted to talk about this while our managers were hanging around, with at least one stylist beside each member, and the rest of the filming crew swarming the set. This is more ideal than talking about it in the middle of our music video shoot, don’t you think?”
Daehwi tries to decide whether he’s going to continue arguing, but the smirk on Jinyoung’s face is already a sign that the both of them knew what Daehwi was thinking. Jinyoung was right.
“Why did you suddenly want to talk about it then?” Jinyoung pushes himself forward on and over Daehwi to grab the remote and turn the volume of the soothing documentary narrative down. “You couldn’t have done it earlier? Or a bit later?”
“I don't understand you,” Daehwi points out shyly. His grip on his blanket tightens, and he fixes it on top of his head to make sure it doesn’t slide down. “You’re so rough and cold. With everyone. Then you treat me like I’m a flower.” It’s supposed to be endearing, Daehwi supposes, but with this gesture comes the development of his feelings – emotions he shouldn’t have. At least, not for a bandmate anyway. “You push Daniel hyung in the water and laugh for five minutes straight, but also shove a water bottle my direction every time I say I'm thirsty.”
“I adore you, Daehwi,” Jinyoung admits, and Daehwi can tell that he’s really embarrassed to admit that. “Everyone does. So much that it becomes a bit painful already.”
“What does that even mean?” Daehwi’s eyebrows scrunch and a defensive frown paints his face. The blanket falls from the top of his head to his shoulder.
“It means…” Jinyoung sighs and lets his hand fall heavily on the side of the couch. He hits the leather material repeatedly with his palm, and looks like he’s about to explode trying to get the words out. “It means that I’m jealous, because everyone just loves you, and you clearly enjoy the attention. You can’t deny it. I can see it every time someone calls you cute.”
“I wasn’t going to. I love affection,” Daehwi answers simply. “A whole lot more when it comes from you.”
Jinyoung blinks at him, expressionless but contemplating.
“Besides, I don’t think the others enjoy me as a member that much. They think I’m hard to read. Jihoon’s words, not mine,” Daehwi shrugs his shoulders and hugs his pillow closer.
“I don’t,” Jinyoung says. Daehwi resists the urge to say I know. “Guess you’re stuck with me, huh?”
Daehwi shrugs again. “I don’t really mind.”
“Good,” Jinyoung nods. “I do what I do because I like you. No one’s holding a gun to my head and we're not friends only in front of the cameras.”
Daehwi feels his cheeks flare up from embarrassment, because this problem has probably been obvious if Jinyoung had to point it out. Daehwi giggles quietly; nervously when he feels Jinyoung’s warmth moving closer and closer to his side.
“No cameras. No running away. No jokes,” Jinyoung whispers. “I’m kissing you because I mean it and because I want to. I need you to tell me that you like me too.” Jinyoung leans in closer – too close. Jinyoung blocks the glow coming from the television, and the both of them stare at each other’s mouths as they move closer inch by inch.
Daehwi’s hands slides up Jinyoung’s shirt, and he grips on the fabric just below the older member’s collarbones. “You already know that I do,” Daehwi lets out a soft laugh. “I like you. I like you so much.”
With a grin, Jinyoung closes the gap and lets his lips press softly against Daehwi’s lips.
So Daehwi’s still unsure about a million other things like what to order from the coffee shop, or whether he wants to keep doing what he’s doing after ten years or twenty.
But he’s sure about liking Jinyoung now, about cuddling with each other during sleepless nights, and unspoken affection by just the look on the other’s eyes.
No one else understands, save for them. There’s assurance in this; in Jinyoung. That as he goes through the uncertainty and unpredictability, there’ll always be that one person who will always understand and who he’ll always be sure of.